ALF s03e22 Episode Script
Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
Hey, alf.
What are you doing? Tying a slip knot, But i can't get it to not slip.
Say, that's not my good string, is it? Willie, If you have good string.
You've got to get out more.
Brian? It's 10 to 7:00.
We're going to be late for the scout meeting.
Coming, dad.
Don't tell me, willie-- You made a few calls and got him into the national guard.
Must you make that joke Every time you see brian in his uniform? Yes.
Next question.
Well, i think you look great, b.
Thanks, dad.
Seeing you in that uniform really takes me back.
You were a badger scout? I mean, you went outside and everything? There has been more to my life Than going to work, you know.
I know.
You also take off your glasses And rub your nose a lot.
I was a badger scout for 4 years.
I earned 11 badges, And i received an award in fire prevention, Which has proven far more useful Than i ever would have dreamed possible.
Brian.
Let's go.
These aren't very good knots, alf.
Stop badgering me, you little badger.
Come on.
Come on, b, we're late.
Bye, alf.
Bye.
Oh! Oh.
Car keys.
Sheep shank.
lions gate home entertainment I don't get it, kate.
I'm here during the day.
Well, i know, alf, but i still think That a daycare center would be best for the baby When i go back to work.
Are you saying you'd rather trust your child To total strangers than to me? Well, not to hurt your feelings, alf, but-- Oh, yeah.
Mom, you majored in art history in college, didn't you? Mm-Hmm.
Did you like it? Oh, very much.
Why? I'm trying to pick my courses for next year, But i don't know which courses to pick Because i haven't decided on what i'm going to major in.
Forget college.
Enter the fast-Paced world of medical and dental assistantry.
You can keep your present job and train at night.
Then there was this time we were digging a latrine Out behind the patrol tent, And out of nowhere this big skunk comes in and sprayed everybody.
You wouldn't believe the stench! Could this wait until i finish my popcorn, And get my own apartment? No, i'm passing along my campfire memories To badger brian, if you don't mind.
How'd your scout meeting go, bri? Ok.
Ok? It was fantastic.
Brian here is going to go On his first overnight next saturday.
Oh, that's great, bri! Yeah, real great.
Now we have to listen a week Of the adventures of willie crockett, King of the wild front lawn.
Well, it's obvious you've never experienced The joys of roughing it.
So sue me.
I'm a couch alien.
I'm going to change.
Brian's going to love communing with nature.
I know i did.
Falling asleep under the stars, The cool ground beneath you, Warming your hands by an open fire.
What were you, a badger scout or a wino? Sleeping bag.
Yeah.
Poncho.
Yeah.
Mess kit.
It's in the closet.
I'll get it.
Brian? What? What's a mess kit? It's got a knife and a fork and some pans.
I got it.
Why don't you pack some important stuff, Like tacoroni? I don't care.
Pack whatever you want.
I sense a growing disenchantment with this venture.
Huh? How come you don't want to go camping? Can you keep a secret? No, but there's a first time for everything.
I'm scared to.
It's going to be dark out there.
Oh, yeah.
But there'll be lots of other kids around.
That's even worse.
They'll think i'm a baby.
Well, just tell willie, then.
He'll take off his glasses, Rub his nose, And tell you you don't have to go.
I know, but he loves camping.
He'll be real disappointed If he finds out i don't want to go.
Where don't you want to go? Camping with the badger scouts.
Bright boy.
Tell him there's no reason to be scared.
That was a secret, alf.
So revoke my security clearance.
You know, i never went camping myself, But back in new york, I heard about this one scout troop.
They camped in central park And were never heard from again.
Ah ha ha ha! Thanks a lot.
Why don't we camp out in The back yard tomorrow night? I'll show you that it's not scary, Just boring.
I don't know.
We'll stay up as late as we want, Go to bed without brushing our teeth, Eat hot dogs until we're 10% meat by-Products.
Yeah.
Come on, b.
Live a little.
You can come too, jake.
No thanks.
I got a life.
Might be fun.
Sleeping outside-- I like ceilings.
Breathing clean, fresh air-- [Scoffs.]
in los angeles? Being right under lynn's window? What do you want i should bring? You know, it's funny.
I got the impression that brian wasn't All that enthusiastic about camping out, And now he can't even wait for his scout trip.
Oh, he's got the tanner zest For adventure, that's for sure.
You know, i can't believe He's actually old enough to be camping out.
It seems like only yesterday, He wasn't old enough to be camping out.
Now he's a little man, all right.
Ooh, i almost forgot his gummi worms.
Well, i think i finally figured out Which courses i should register for.
Oh, did you choose a major? I was thinking about art history.
Ohh, honey I mean, it's admirable that you're interested in art, But do you think that's really A practical thing to major in? What do you mean? Well, we have a saying in college-- Those who can, do, And those who can't, major in art history.
[Laughs.]
I majored in art history.
You were the exception, dear.
We never laughed at you.
I suppose that studying mankind's greatest artistic achievements Wasn't nearly as interesting as Drawing population pie charts like you social science majors-- I never drew a pie chart in my life-- Oh, ok--Ok, once i drew a pie chart, And you know what? It wasn't bad.
And where's that pie chart today? I'll tell you where it's not-- It's not in the louvre.
Uh, that reminds me, hon, We're having a pool at the office.
What year did van gogh die? The year they asked him to draw a pie chart.
Well, it's not too scary yet.
Wait until it gets dark And the moon moves behind a cloud.
And the fog rolls in.
Ah-Ha ha-Ha-Ha! I'm going back in the house.
Wait.
Relax.
Relax.
There's nothing there in the dark That's not there in the light Except bats.
[Grunting.]
What do you have in here, alf? Just a few carry-On items.
They'll fit in the overhead bin Or under the seat in front of me.
I thought we agreed to only bring along the basics.
I did.
Let's see.
Hey, you got a search warrant? Meatballs? The great outdoors? Ernest goes to camp? It's the wilderness trilogy.
What are we supposed to do with these? You didn't bring the vcr? Hey! Those are rentals.
What else have you got in here? Nothing.
Frappes.
No frappes.
Cheez whiz? Meat whiz? Fish whiz? Hey, we need something from each of the major whiz groups.
Come on, brian.
Help me pack this junk up.
Traitor.
He's right, alf.
We have to go by the badger handbook.
Ugh.
No cheez whiz? No frappes? No vcr? What's the point of going camping? That is the point of going camping.
I thought that was the point of going to prison.
Look, alf, this was your idea.
Now, if we're going to do it, we're going to do it right, ok? Oh, all right.
[Telephone rings.]
What is that, alf? Nothing.
[Ring.]
Hello? No, cancel the pizza.
We're going to die.
[Indistinct singing.]
Dad, do you have a stamp? Dad? Dad? Oh! Oh.
Sorry.
Scared me.
Sorry.
Do you have a stamp? I want to mail my course registration.
Oh, sure, sure.
You mean, you decided on a major, then? I was thinking about social sciences.
Maybe become a social worker like you.
Well, lynn, i'm flattered, And i'm impressed.
It's not an easy road you've chosen, you know.
It's not? No, no.
It takes a special kind of person To train all those years.
All how many years? Well, um, let's see-- You've got undergraduate studies, You've got 2 years of grad school, You have your thesis, your internships, your field work-- But it pays off in the end, right? I mean, you really like your job.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but there's not a lot of jobs like mine out there, you know.
Oh.
And you're not going to get rich.
Oh.
But it's a very rewarding career.
You get to work with a lot of people With some really serious problems.
Oh, so there is an upside.
So, you want me to mail this, then? Not yet.
I mean, maybe i could help more people as a ski instructor.
So the cab broke down In the seedy part of the lower east side, see.
Just as the cabbie got out to check the engine, A big cloud of steam blew up From the deserted subway station below, The one they had to close after A bunch of guys died mysteriously down there.
[Wind blowing.]
Ahh! What's that? I think it was the wind.
Unless it was a cab.
Ah ha ha ha! Ahh! Cut that out! You're scaring brian.
It's just a story, alf.
What happened next, jake? Ok, ok.
Out of the cloud of steam Came the phantom of the subway-- Dressed all in black, A hood covering his skull-Like face.
And instead of a hand, He had a gleaming hook.
Uhheh.
Isn't it time To sneak across the crick to the girls camp And blow out their citronella candles? Now, where was i? The gleaming hook.
Sheesh.
So the phantom hails the cab With his good hand.
And the cabbie's scared, so he yells, "I'm off duty, buddy.
" But the phantom doesn't know from off duty.
And slowly walks over.
[Imitates footsteps.]
*michael, row your boat ashore * Alf, the story's just getting good.
Now, all the baptists.
* hallelujah * So the phantom reaches into the cab And snags the cabbie by the neck And drags him down into the subway with him.
Until all you could hear Was the phantom laughing.
Ah ha ha ha! [Wind blowing.]
It's the haunted taxi! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Alf is hailing a cab in the den.
Exactly when did i lose control? Jake: yo, alf! There's nobody here but us pillow shams.
What's your problem? Nothing.
I was just afraid i'd catch my death Of gleaming hook out there.
How's brian supposed to get over being afraid if you turn chicken on us? Let him get over his fear of the dark in the morning, When it's light out.
We're camping in your back yard.
What do you think, psychopaths get a map Of the tanner house from the aaa? Do i look that stupid? I'm talking about real dangers, Likeslugs.
You scared of slugs? Real threat to those of us who go barefoot.
If i promise to de-Slug the yard, Will you come back outside? No way.
Hey, but we're making real progress out there! Once brian realizes you're scared, He'll be scared.
I mean, you could ruin his whole life.
What girl's gonna wanna date a guy Who won't go out after dark? Then you help him.
I can't.
I'm telling you, there's nothing scary out there.
Unless you count that herd of stray cats That prowls every night.
Cats? Big ones.
Lots of them, too.
Well, maybe you're right.
How scary can our backyard be? I knew you'd come around.
I'm only doing this for brian.
Yeah, i know.
Can we stop in the kitchen and get the wok? Oh, and no more scary stories, jake.
Well, just one more.
The headless stockbroker.
Forget it.
Oh, where's brian? Oh, no! He's been gleaming hooked! Maybe he's in the tent.
Hey, he is in here.
He's sleeping.
So much for being afraid of the dark.
Well, my work here is done.
See you at brunch.
Wait! What if he wakes up in the middle of the night And sees you deserted him? Cover for me.
Come on, alf.
Brian's counting on you.
Oh.
I hate being a role model! Here, sluggy.
Here i come.
Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy.
I'll be in my sleeping bag.
Good sluggy.
Hey, who's gonna tuck me in? Oh, nobody gets tucked in in the wilderness! Well, at least zip me up! Hey, hey, watch the fur! It's for your own protection.
We don't want any slugs getting in, do we? Oh.
Zip it up over my head.
Good night, alf.
Good night, john boy.
It's right after the stock market crashed.
There was this headless stockbroker! Wah ha ha ha ha! You know, jake? There are places you can go for that.
Party pooper.
[Cats meowing.]
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh.
This is the worst night of my life! [Sighs.]
Kate I'm sorry i made fun of your major, So, i brought you this.
It's the evolution of art From primitive cave drawings to the wizard of id.
Oh, willie.
You know, it occurred to me, no matter what our kids become, Social workers, art historians, shipping magnates, They're gonna inherit alf and be broke anyway.
Oh, willie.
This is lovely.
I'm sorry if i overreacted.
We shouldn't argue over something so silly-- Mm-Mmm.
As pie charts.
Silly old pie charts.
[Giggles.]
Well, i finally picked my courses.
I trust you've made a good career choice.
You're majoring in Nothing.
I found out that with all Of the required subjects i have to take, I'm not gonna have time for any courses in my major Until i'm a junior anyway, so i'll decide then.
Alf: oh, willie! Yeah, what, alf? Can you come out here and help me with my knots? No, i'm busy, alf.
If you want help, come on in here.
All right.
Oh, come over here, i'll untie you.
I would, but i can't seem to drag the piano any farther.
Oh! lions gate home entertainment Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- Alf: ah, ha ha ha!
What are you doing? Tying a slip knot, But i can't get it to not slip.
Say, that's not my good string, is it? Willie, If you have good string.
You've got to get out more.
Brian? It's 10 to 7:00.
We're going to be late for the scout meeting.
Coming, dad.
Don't tell me, willie-- You made a few calls and got him into the national guard.
Must you make that joke Every time you see brian in his uniform? Yes.
Next question.
Well, i think you look great, b.
Thanks, dad.
Seeing you in that uniform really takes me back.
You were a badger scout? I mean, you went outside and everything? There has been more to my life Than going to work, you know.
I know.
You also take off your glasses And rub your nose a lot.
I was a badger scout for 4 years.
I earned 11 badges, And i received an award in fire prevention, Which has proven far more useful Than i ever would have dreamed possible.
Brian.
Let's go.
These aren't very good knots, alf.
Stop badgering me, you little badger.
Come on.
Come on, b, we're late.
Bye, alf.
Bye.
Oh! Oh.
Car keys.
Sheep shank.
lions gate home entertainment I don't get it, kate.
I'm here during the day.
Well, i know, alf, but i still think That a daycare center would be best for the baby When i go back to work.
Are you saying you'd rather trust your child To total strangers than to me? Well, not to hurt your feelings, alf, but-- Oh, yeah.
Mom, you majored in art history in college, didn't you? Mm-Hmm.
Did you like it? Oh, very much.
Why? I'm trying to pick my courses for next year, But i don't know which courses to pick Because i haven't decided on what i'm going to major in.
Forget college.
Enter the fast-Paced world of medical and dental assistantry.
You can keep your present job and train at night.
Then there was this time we were digging a latrine Out behind the patrol tent, And out of nowhere this big skunk comes in and sprayed everybody.
You wouldn't believe the stench! Could this wait until i finish my popcorn, And get my own apartment? No, i'm passing along my campfire memories To badger brian, if you don't mind.
How'd your scout meeting go, bri? Ok.
Ok? It was fantastic.
Brian here is going to go On his first overnight next saturday.
Oh, that's great, bri! Yeah, real great.
Now we have to listen a week Of the adventures of willie crockett, King of the wild front lawn.
Well, it's obvious you've never experienced The joys of roughing it.
So sue me.
I'm a couch alien.
I'm going to change.
Brian's going to love communing with nature.
I know i did.
Falling asleep under the stars, The cool ground beneath you, Warming your hands by an open fire.
What were you, a badger scout or a wino? Sleeping bag.
Yeah.
Poncho.
Yeah.
Mess kit.
It's in the closet.
I'll get it.
Brian? What? What's a mess kit? It's got a knife and a fork and some pans.
I got it.
Why don't you pack some important stuff, Like tacoroni? I don't care.
Pack whatever you want.
I sense a growing disenchantment with this venture.
Huh? How come you don't want to go camping? Can you keep a secret? No, but there's a first time for everything.
I'm scared to.
It's going to be dark out there.
Oh, yeah.
But there'll be lots of other kids around.
That's even worse.
They'll think i'm a baby.
Well, just tell willie, then.
He'll take off his glasses, Rub his nose, And tell you you don't have to go.
I know, but he loves camping.
He'll be real disappointed If he finds out i don't want to go.
Where don't you want to go? Camping with the badger scouts.
Bright boy.
Tell him there's no reason to be scared.
That was a secret, alf.
So revoke my security clearance.
You know, i never went camping myself, But back in new york, I heard about this one scout troop.
They camped in central park And were never heard from again.
Ah ha ha ha! Thanks a lot.
Why don't we camp out in The back yard tomorrow night? I'll show you that it's not scary, Just boring.
I don't know.
We'll stay up as late as we want, Go to bed without brushing our teeth, Eat hot dogs until we're 10% meat by-Products.
Yeah.
Come on, b.
Live a little.
You can come too, jake.
No thanks.
I got a life.
Might be fun.
Sleeping outside-- I like ceilings.
Breathing clean, fresh air-- [Scoffs.]
in los angeles? Being right under lynn's window? What do you want i should bring? You know, it's funny.
I got the impression that brian wasn't All that enthusiastic about camping out, And now he can't even wait for his scout trip.
Oh, he's got the tanner zest For adventure, that's for sure.
You know, i can't believe He's actually old enough to be camping out.
It seems like only yesterday, He wasn't old enough to be camping out.
Now he's a little man, all right.
Ooh, i almost forgot his gummi worms.
Well, i think i finally figured out Which courses i should register for.
Oh, did you choose a major? I was thinking about art history.
Ohh, honey I mean, it's admirable that you're interested in art, But do you think that's really A practical thing to major in? What do you mean? Well, we have a saying in college-- Those who can, do, And those who can't, major in art history.
[Laughs.]
I majored in art history.
You were the exception, dear.
We never laughed at you.
I suppose that studying mankind's greatest artistic achievements Wasn't nearly as interesting as Drawing population pie charts like you social science majors-- I never drew a pie chart in my life-- Oh, ok--Ok, once i drew a pie chart, And you know what? It wasn't bad.
And where's that pie chart today? I'll tell you where it's not-- It's not in the louvre.
Uh, that reminds me, hon, We're having a pool at the office.
What year did van gogh die? The year they asked him to draw a pie chart.
Well, it's not too scary yet.
Wait until it gets dark And the moon moves behind a cloud.
And the fog rolls in.
Ah-Ha ha-Ha-Ha! I'm going back in the house.
Wait.
Relax.
Relax.
There's nothing there in the dark That's not there in the light Except bats.
[Grunting.]
What do you have in here, alf? Just a few carry-On items.
They'll fit in the overhead bin Or under the seat in front of me.
I thought we agreed to only bring along the basics.
I did.
Let's see.
Hey, you got a search warrant? Meatballs? The great outdoors? Ernest goes to camp? It's the wilderness trilogy.
What are we supposed to do with these? You didn't bring the vcr? Hey! Those are rentals.
What else have you got in here? Nothing.
Frappes.
No frappes.
Cheez whiz? Meat whiz? Fish whiz? Hey, we need something from each of the major whiz groups.
Come on, brian.
Help me pack this junk up.
Traitor.
He's right, alf.
We have to go by the badger handbook.
Ugh.
No cheez whiz? No frappes? No vcr? What's the point of going camping? That is the point of going camping.
I thought that was the point of going to prison.
Look, alf, this was your idea.
Now, if we're going to do it, we're going to do it right, ok? Oh, all right.
[Telephone rings.]
What is that, alf? Nothing.
[Ring.]
Hello? No, cancel the pizza.
We're going to die.
[Indistinct singing.]
Dad, do you have a stamp? Dad? Dad? Oh! Oh.
Sorry.
Scared me.
Sorry.
Do you have a stamp? I want to mail my course registration.
Oh, sure, sure.
You mean, you decided on a major, then? I was thinking about social sciences.
Maybe become a social worker like you.
Well, lynn, i'm flattered, And i'm impressed.
It's not an easy road you've chosen, you know.
It's not? No, no.
It takes a special kind of person To train all those years.
All how many years? Well, um, let's see-- You've got undergraduate studies, You've got 2 years of grad school, You have your thesis, your internships, your field work-- But it pays off in the end, right? I mean, you really like your job.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but there's not a lot of jobs like mine out there, you know.
Oh.
And you're not going to get rich.
Oh.
But it's a very rewarding career.
You get to work with a lot of people With some really serious problems.
Oh, so there is an upside.
So, you want me to mail this, then? Not yet.
I mean, maybe i could help more people as a ski instructor.
So the cab broke down In the seedy part of the lower east side, see.
Just as the cabbie got out to check the engine, A big cloud of steam blew up From the deserted subway station below, The one they had to close after A bunch of guys died mysteriously down there.
[Wind blowing.]
Ahh! What's that? I think it was the wind.
Unless it was a cab.
Ah ha ha ha! Ahh! Cut that out! You're scaring brian.
It's just a story, alf.
What happened next, jake? Ok, ok.
Out of the cloud of steam Came the phantom of the subway-- Dressed all in black, A hood covering his skull-Like face.
And instead of a hand, He had a gleaming hook.
Uhheh.
Isn't it time To sneak across the crick to the girls camp And blow out their citronella candles? Now, where was i? The gleaming hook.
Sheesh.
So the phantom hails the cab With his good hand.
And the cabbie's scared, so he yells, "I'm off duty, buddy.
" But the phantom doesn't know from off duty.
And slowly walks over.
[Imitates footsteps.]
*michael, row your boat ashore * Alf, the story's just getting good.
Now, all the baptists.
* hallelujah * So the phantom reaches into the cab And snags the cabbie by the neck And drags him down into the subway with him.
Until all you could hear Was the phantom laughing.
Ah ha ha ha! [Wind blowing.]
It's the haunted taxi! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Alf is hailing a cab in the den.
Exactly when did i lose control? Jake: yo, alf! There's nobody here but us pillow shams.
What's your problem? Nothing.
I was just afraid i'd catch my death Of gleaming hook out there.
How's brian supposed to get over being afraid if you turn chicken on us? Let him get over his fear of the dark in the morning, When it's light out.
We're camping in your back yard.
What do you think, psychopaths get a map Of the tanner house from the aaa? Do i look that stupid? I'm talking about real dangers, Likeslugs.
You scared of slugs? Real threat to those of us who go barefoot.
If i promise to de-Slug the yard, Will you come back outside? No way.
Hey, but we're making real progress out there! Once brian realizes you're scared, He'll be scared.
I mean, you could ruin his whole life.
What girl's gonna wanna date a guy Who won't go out after dark? Then you help him.
I can't.
I'm telling you, there's nothing scary out there.
Unless you count that herd of stray cats That prowls every night.
Cats? Big ones.
Lots of them, too.
Well, maybe you're right.
How scary can our backyard be? I knew you'd come around.
I'm only doing this for brian.
Yeah, i know.
Can we stop in the kitchen and get the wok? Oh, and no more scary stories, jake.
Well, just one more.
The headless stockbroker.
Forget it.
Oh, where's brian? Oh, no! He's been gleaming hooked! Maybe he's in the tent.
Hey, he is in here.
He's sleeping.
So much for being afraid of the dark.
Well, my work here is done.
See you at brunch.
Wait! What if he wakes up in the middle of the night And sees you deserted him? Cover for me.
Come on, alf.
Brian's counting on you.
Oh.
I hate being a role model! Here, sluggy.
Here i come.
Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy.
I'll be in my sleeping bag.
Good sluggy.
Hey, who's gonna tuck me in? Oh, nobody gets tucked in in the wilderness! Well, at least zip me up! Hey, hey, watch the fur! It's for your own protection.
We don't want any slugs getting in, do we? Oh.
Zip it up over my head.
Good night, alf.
Good night, john boy.
It's right after the stock market crashed.
There was this headless stockbroker! Wah ha ha ha ha! You know, jake? There are places you can go for that.
Party pooper.
[Cats meowing.]
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh.
This is the worst night of my life! [Sighs.]
Kate I'm sorry i made fun of your major, So, i brought you this.
It's the evolution of art From primitive cave drawings to the wizard of id.
Oh, willie.
You know, it occurred to me, no matter what our kids become, Social workers, art historians, shipping magnates, They're gonna inherit alf and be broke anyway.
Oh, willie.
This is lovely.
I'm sorry if i overreacted.
We shouldn't argue over something so silly-- Mm-Mmm.
As pie charts.
Silly old pie charts.
[Giggles.]
Well, i finally picked my courses.
I trust you've made a good career choice.
You're majoring in Nothing.
I found out that with all Of the required subjects i have to take, I'm not gonna have time for any courses in my major Until i'm a junior anyway, so i'll decide then.
Alf: oh, willie! Yeah, what, alf? Can you come out here and help me with my knots? No, i'm busy, alf.
If you want help, come on in here.
All right.
Oh, come over here, i'll untie you.
I would, but i can't seem to drag the piano any farther.
Oh! lions gate home entertainment Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- Alf: ah, ha ha ha!