Call Me Kat (2021) s03e22 Episode Script

1
I need to leave early today.
Family emergency.
Why? What happened?
My grandfather died.
Yeah, in 1983.
Sorry I can't grieve on your timeline.
- Come on, it's just one more person.
- No!
Our wedding is too big already.
We have to do the Electric
Slide in three shifts.
I got to invite my boy Chad Bracket.
Who the hell is Chad Bracket,
other than the
whitest-sounding guy in America?
From Call of Duty.
You know him as ChadGrabs80085.
It's funny 'cause on
screen, it looks like
"Chad grabs boobs." He's 11.
You know I wanted a small wedding.
It's my favorite thing to
not invite people to stuff.
And you know I wanted a big one.
Besides, Chad Bracket
doesn't take up much space.
But we do have to invite his mom.
No! No Chad, no Chad's mama,
no flower girl that's
a robot, no donut wall.
(GASPS) No donut wall?
Well, where are people gonna take photos
of the flower girl that's a robot?
Where are you going?
To talk to a man about a white horse
that we no longer need.
- Oh.
- Oh, good morning, Randi.
When did you get here?
Carter is just making
everything so difficult.
He wants the invitations
to be a puzzle box.
That is a terrible idea that
I definitely did not give him.
You are not gonna believe this.
You know Russell Dickerson?
Oh, who is that Chad
Bracket's whiter brother?
No, he's a country singer.
You've heard his stuff.
Uh, "Every Little Thing," "Yours."
Oh, "Come to Jesus" was so good
they played it at my synagogue.
He's in town shooting a video
and my manager convinced him
to come to my show tonight.
Are you serious? Rabbi
Goldberg is gonna flip.
- This could be huge.
- SHEILA: Oh, Max,
that's such wonderful news.
My grandfather would
be so happy for you.
God rest his soul.
I'm gonna take the rest of the week off.
Grandpapa would have wanted it that way.
Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪
But we both know ♪
Had to let you go ♪
What's Russell doing now?
Oh, he's moving a bit, seems
like he's feeling it. Oh.
Now he's fixing a wedgie.
They are just like us.
There's the door. ♪
(CHEERING)
Thanks, everyone. (LAUGHS)
Thanks, everyone. We're
gonna take a break.
And don't forget to try
the jalapeño poppers.
They're half price because they're good,
not because they're past
their expiration date.
My man!
Hi, I'm Max Kingbird. Thank
you so much for coming.
And I'm Zoey Monroe. We are huge fans.
Oh, thank you. I
absolutely love the show.
I saw you at Stagecoach.
I-I yelled your name
and then I screamed because
I got hit by a flying beer.
Wait, you're "Sweet God,
I think I need stitches"?
Yes! And I did.
Oh, uh, Russell, this is my friend Kat.
Hi, nice to meet you. I'm a huge fan,
and Rabbi Goldberg says mazel tov.
MAX: Funny story, uh,
this song is actually about our breakup.
And you're okay with
him telling people that?
Because you come off kind of bad.
Oh, oh, I-I don't mind.
I'm-I'm kind of an open book.
For example, I once had a sex dream
about Beaker from the Muppets.
Anyways, uh,
my band and I are getting
ready for our summer tour,
and we need a opener.
Would you guys be interested?
Are you serious? Because
that would be amazing.
I'm so excited, I don't
even know what to say.
I love you. No, that is not right.
I'm a cowboy ♪
On a steel horse I ride ♪
I'm wanted ♪
Wanted ♪
Dead or alive. ♪
That's if you need, like,
an opener for the opener.
She's not coming on the tour.
Welcome to the season one
finale of Hot Lots.
- 'Cause I'm hot.
- And I'm also hot.
W-What are you doing?
I'm the one that's hot.
You're the one that's a lot.
Which you're proving right now.
But can't I be hot just once?
I mean, if you won't do it
for me, do it for my fans.
You know, give the
Carter-Heads a thrill.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, baby, you can be hot.
So, I was thinking we
reveal the living room first,
then the kitchen because
that's the showstopper.
Plus, it's fun to see you get
scared by the garbage disposal.
Actually, I have an idea.
Oh, Lord, here comes the "a lot" part.
Follow me.
I'll go first so you
can see why I am hot.
- (IMITATES SIZZLING)
- Wh
Oh, my God.
Look at this place.
Y-You did this for me?
See? YouTube is wrong.
I am good enough for you.
I have one more thing to show you.
Oh. All right.
Well, let me turn these guys around
- so they don't get jealous.
- Uh-uh, not that.
But rain check. You know, on the sex.
(LAUGHS)
Wait, why are you so dressed up?
'Cause we're going down to
the courthouse to get married.
Uh, are you for real right now?
Yeah.
All this fighting about
the wedding is stupid.
At the end of the day, the only thing
that matters to me is making you happy.
But what about your fairy-tale wedding?
You are my fairy tale.
You already kissed this frog.
Aw, Carter.
- Well, I'll I'll go get dressed.
- All right.
Hold up, hold up.
Cashing in on that rain check.
- Oh
- Yeah (LAUGHS)
Hey, I know you two.
Uh-uh. Those charges were dropped.
No. You Randi and Carter from Hot Lots.
You are hot.
BOTH: Thank you.
BOTH: He meant me.
I loved that episode where you pretended
to superglue your hands to your head.
(LAUGHS): Pretended. Yeah.
Yeah, we sure have fun.
Uh, so where do we go to get married?
Oh, you get your
license right over there.
Appreciate you, bro.
Always good to meet
a fellow Carter-Head.
Hey.
Okay, so I got the check,
you have the rings, what are we missing?
Uh, nothing. We are good
to go. Um, excuse me for a sec.
- Wait, where you going?
- Um, I got to pee.
Really, right now?
You peed five times during Avatar.
- I can't pee once?
- The movie is over three hours and set in water.
Of course I peed a lot.
A caramel macchiato, please.
Sorry, I-I couldn't
hear you over your hat.
Well, now that I'm single,
I'm trying out new looks.
Is this one called "single forever"?
Hey, I think it's very sharp.
Reminds me of an old-time gangster.
Or an old-time newspaperman, like,
"Extry, extry, Jeff is
single and ready to mingle."
Believe it or not, she's single, too.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh. (SHORT CHUCKLE)
Yo, yo, yo. Tell me what you know.
I know you need to stop
answering the phone like that.
Can you do me a favor?
Me and Randi are at the courthouse
- about to get married.
- What? Right now?
Yeah, don't tell anybody.
We're keeping it on the low.
Carter, this is crazy. Not to mention,
I'm only on draft seven
of the wedding toast
and half my limericks don't rhyme.
- I guess I could cut them.
- Listen,
I forgot the rings.
Randi's gonna kill me.
Can you go get them from the apartment?
Also, don't cut the limericks.
They're like Irish rap.
I-I don't have a key to your condo.
I know that the pressure is on, though.
I don't want to break
in, because it's a sin.
I could ask your super Fernando.
All right, cut the limericks.
Look,
there's a key under the mat.
- Okay, uh, where are the rings?
- In the fridge.
- You better hurry.
- I'll get there
as soon as I'm able. Right
now I'm passing a table.
Hello? Carter?
(SCOFFS) You know what? I'm
not cutting the limericks.
Max, Randi and Carter
are getting married
at the courthouse right now.
- What?
- Yeah, we've got to
go to the condo and get the rings.
So I got ordained online for nothing?
That's 20 bucks I'll never get back.
Uh, Jeff, tell my mother
to watch the café.
You got it, sweetheart.
Wow. That's even cooler
than I thought it'd be.
Whoa. Look how this place came together.
They took none of my ideas.
Yeah, it's awesome.
Ah, check out the feature wall.
The open floor plan.
Backsplash, shiplap and other
words I've heard on HGTV.
Okay, Carter said the
rings are in the fridge.
Oh, which, PS, is the same fridge
that Neil deGrasse Tyson has.
I saw his Cribs.
You know, they never told us
that they finished the reno.
Or that they're getting married.
Are they breaking up with us?
I did see them talking to another
white couple the other day.
Oh. Hey, found the rings.
- Uh, found their weed.
- Oh, where was that hidden?
- Big jar labeled "not weed."
- (LAUGHS)
Hmm. Thank you.
What What, are you taking their weed?
I don't know what you're
talking about. It's not weed.
(CHUCKLES)
Wow. Wow, this is, that's
- that's really beautiful.
- Oh, yeah. That really is.
What?
Nothing. Nothing.
I just thought that might be us someday.
Yeah, I guess I kind of
thought about that, too.
- We should get get going. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Uh-oh.
- What's wrong?
I just put a ring on my
finger and said "uh-oh."
What do you think is wrong?
All right, address, phone number.
Ooh, for "sex," put "yes, please."
That way they know I'm funny.
Okay, Social Security number.
Damn.
Hold up.
Do you not know your Social?
Of course I do.
Every responsible adult
knows their Social.
Just give me a second.
Does it start with a one?
I said give me a second.
All right.
What about a two?
Maybe three?
- Stop it.
- Just trying to help.
That's what I'm here four?
I'm just gonna call the café.
I know it's on my W-2.
You sure you know that number?
Yep, it's "5-0-2 shut the hell up."
(PHONE RINGS)
Kat's Cat Café, Jeff speaking.
Jeff? You don't work there.
Oh, no, it's okay. Zoey's here.
Hey! I made a smoothie. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, and that blender was already broken.
Where's Kat?
Oh, she left Sheila in charge.
- Okay, where's Sheila?
- Uh, she's at the bar.
You know what? That's on me
for asking a stupid question.
But Jeff is in the
"hiz-ouse." How can I hello?
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello. For the Middle C, press one.
For Darren's Paddleboat
Adventures, press two.
Darren, it's Randi.
Put Sheila on the phone.
Randi want to talk to you.
Randi?
Uh-oh.
Kat's Cat Café. How may I help you?
This thing is not coming off.
I know what we could do.
Smoke this bad boy.
How is that gonna help get the ring off?
Are you kidding?
There's a world of new ideas in here.
(PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh, my God.
- What?
They just added dates to the tour.
Now I have to leave tomorrow.
Tomorrow? That's so soon.
It's the soonest you can
get without being today.
And if you don't include
today, tomorrow is today.
- Yeah, you do not need this.
- (EXHALES)
Tomorrow?
Damn it. I have to pack.
I just bought groceries.
I have to eat a 12-egg
omelet for dinner.
- Max, it's gonna be okay.
- No, it's not!
You're not the one who has
to choke down a dozen eggs
and a bunch of bananas.
I'm talking, like, seven.
Oh, my God, and I just bought a ficus.
Let's relax.
It's just a-a little
sooner than we thought.
I can't relax. There's so much to do.
We barely rehearsed. We
have to make a set list.
Oh, God, what-what are
the lyrics to my song?
- What?
- My hit song. I'm blanking on the lyrics.
It's the one, the one where you dump me
and I tell you to
leave the house through
the swingy thing that
you go in and out of.
You can walk, you can run ♪
Tell yourself I'm not the one ♪
Come on. We both know ♪
- Had to let you go ♪
- Ugh.
Can't you see, can't believe ♪
Told the world you set me free ♪
But we both know ♪
- Had to let you go ♪
- Here it is.
Say there's the door. ♪
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
- You've got this.
- Thank you.
(SIGHS) God, you always have my back.
- Okay, now I need you to do me a favor.
- Anything.
Take the wheel. I'm
gonna chew my finger off.
Oh. Oh, God.
(SIGHS) Oh, in a few minutes,
that'll be us heading down the aisle.
Ooh, do you think they'll let me use
Lizzo's "About Damn
Time" as my walk-up song?
Why do you keep looking at your phone?
Oh, uh, Chad Bracket
just failed his math test.
Uh, I got to call his mom
and use my best teacher voice.
(AWKWARD VOICE): "I'm willing
to let Chad pass if he can
kill six times four Nazis tonight."
Tonight? It's our wedding night.
Kat, we're next. Where are you?
Almost there. There was no
parking so I had to valet.
There is no valet.
Oh, then I just paid a guy
ten bucks to steal my car.
But you have the rings, right?
Haven't left my hand.
Oh. There you are.
What, you stopped to get churros?
It took ten seconds.
And how could I not?
It's a deep-fried cinnamon sword.
Aw.
Well, that's why you get two.
(BEEP)
Okay, sir, I'm gonna need you
to check your pockets and
walk back through for me.
Keys? How do you forget your
keys at a metal detector?
That's like forgetting your
TI-83 scientific calculator
at the AP Calculus exam.
(LAUGHS) Totes.
(BEEP)
Do you have anything
else in your pockets?
Ugh. Great. Our best friends
are about to get married
and we're stuck behind Mr.
Bean Goes to the Airport.
Sir, can we go ahead of you, please?
I'm-a need you to wait your turn.
Oh, Carter's freaking
out. They're up any second.
Damn it, I got confused
and ate my floor churro.
(BEEP)
What, do you got a metal hip?
Two of them. Why?
Okay, let me just get the wand.
Know what? That's it.
Out of my way, Tin Man.
Ma'am, I need you to stop.
- I am not gonna stop.
- This is your final warning.
My friends are getting married
in there and I am going in.
Kat!
Did I pee?
Wait, don't tell me.
Aw, what a cute couple.
I mean, not as cute as
us, but that's a high bar.
Cute flower girl.
For a human.
(CHUCKLES): Hey, hey,
hey. Get back in there.
Come on, take more photos with grandma.
She's not gonna be around forever.
Not that you old. Uh
- You could die in a horrific accident.
- What
All right, next up is Charles
Cook and Miranda Hamilton.
Charles and Miranda?
- Oh, crap, that's our real names.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- We made it.
We made it.
Ignore the smell of burnt hair.
Wait, what are you two doing here?
- Baby, did you tell them?
- Oh, y yeah, yeah.
That's why I was stalling.
To make sure our friends was here,
and no other reason than that.
I, um, I got tased and
peed, but it's no big deal.
This day is all about you.
Oh, getting tased at a wedding
is a Hamilton family tradition.
I'm so glad you guys are here!
Ah. So are we.
And since no one else is here,
I guess that makes me your best man.
Suck it, Darren.
(LAUGHS)
Hi, Your Honor. Uh
We are Charles Cook
and Miranda Hamilton.
Nice to see a brother in a
robe. You know Judge Mathis?
Yes, all the Black judges
are in one group text chain.
(LAUGHS): Yeah.
Okay.
Your license looks good.
We have our witnesses.
- Do you have the rings?
- Of course I do.
I mean, I don't.
Uh, Kat has them.
Which was a long-term plan
and not a mistake at all.
Here's Carter's and, uh
here's Randi's.
Why is my ring on your finger?
Because the butter, mayonnaise
and WD-40 didn't work.
On the bright side, my finger
could be your something blue.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I don't think it's
Oh, ow! Oh!
My skin could be your
something borrowed.
All right. Let's get this started.
Do you, Charles Cook, take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I mean, look at her. Of course I do.
JUDGE: And do you, Miranda Hamilton,
take this man to be your
lawfully wedded husband?
Baby?
I can't do this.
What?
I want to get married
like the couple before us.
In Spanish?
No, with all of our
friends and family around.
And I so appreciate you
wanted to do this for me,
but baby, you were right.
I want the first dance,
I want my dad to walk me down the aisle,
I want Sheila to bag a
groomsman young enough
to make things weird.
Oh, she's gonna get that.
I want the whole thing.
I want to stand up in
front of all those people
and tell them how much I love you.
Baby.
KAT: Aw.
I love y'all.
Yes. This means I get to use my license
from FiveMinuteMinister.net.
Oh. The limericks are
coming fast and furious.
Someone got a pencil?
I need a pencil. You got a pencil?
- Well, here we are.
- Yeah.
Good luck going through security.
You've seen what can go
wrong at a metal detector.
Um, before you go, I, um
I got you something.
A guitar pick?
It's from the first
show I saw you perform in
in college. That's the pick you used.
You saved it?
Yeah.
I just knew you were gonna make it.
And I thought it might
bring you luck on your tour.
This is the most thoughtful
gift I've ever gotten.
(CHUCKLES)
And only a minute ago, I
thought it was literal garbage.
Thank you.
Okay, better get in there.
Max?
No.
No, I'm not going.
What are you talking about?
Why am I leaving when
everything I've ever wanted
is right here?
You're getting on that plane
and you're going.
- You can't park here, ma'am.
- Oh.
Sorry. Sorry, he's-he's
just getting out. (CHUCKLES)
You heard him, you got to go.
And I cannot get tased again.
I'm still seeing sounds.
Our relationship was really working
until I screwed it up by
putting my career ahead of you.
I am not gonna do that again.
- Let's go!
- Hey, listen, buddy,
I'm a self-appointed
Junior Fire Marshal,
so we're on the same side here, okay?
Look, I-I cannot be the
reason that you don't do this.
- Kat
- No, Max, we'll figure everything out
when you come back,
just You've got to go.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Okay.
Max?
Yeah?
I love you.
I love you, too.
Love is a complicated thing.
It can lift you up high as an airplane
- Lady.
- or All right, already!
I'll break the fourth wall on the road.
("EVERY LITTLE THING" BY
RUSSELL DICKERSON PLAYING)
My baby, she's Alabama ♪
A Dixieland delight ♪
Kissing me like molasses ♪
Slow and sweet, mm-hmm, just right ♪
She's an endless August summer ♪
Yeah, sunshine 3-6-5 ♪
When she forgets the punch line ♪
It still gets me every time ♪
'Cause I love every little ♪
Every little, every little
thing about her love ♪
Just a little, just a little ♪
Just a little ain't enough ♪
Got to get a, got to get a ♪
Get a little more of all she does ♪
I'm all hung up ♪
'Cause I love ♪
Every little, every little ♪
Every little thing about her love. ♪