Dog with a Blog (2012) s03e22 Episode Script

Your name is Gracie, which rhymes with dumb face-y.
Stop teasing me.
Stop teasing me.
Stop copying me.
Stop copying me.
I'm stupid.
I'm stupid.
Hey! Dada, Gracie made me call me stupid.
Enough already! You kids have been at each other for days.
Keep fighting and you're gonna get it.
What is "it"? Is "it" ice cream? That would be delicious! Wait no! Stan: I just don't know how to discipline my puppies.
I'm out of my depth.
Robert, how do you get your kids to be so well-behaved? No, Robert, I can't have my children stuffed with premium polyester toy filling.
I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying it's wrong for us.
(Alarm beeping) Yes! A new day! Wow, you're excited today.
Usually you're like "Ugh, can't I just sleep a little more? Aah! The sun's too bright!" Aah, the sun's too bright! No, wait.
I'm the one who says that.
Today is a big day, Stan.
I got my learner's permit and I'm off to drive! Need pants to drive! Dad, come on! We've got to get going.
I've got my learner's permit and I'm ready to dominate the road! By setting a good example for other drivers.
I remember when I got my learner's permit.
It was a Wednesday.
I never said it was an interesting story.
Being "permitted" to learn that gives me an idea for a book about a dystopian future where only the privileged can study, until one courageous young girl brings education to all, including the ridiculously handsome boy who says, "You taught me how to read and to love.
" She better only teach him how to read.
All right.
Now let's hit the road.
Yes! I'm going to be great at driving.
I'm not great at driving.
She ran over a garden gnome.
I'm gonna go scrape gnome butt off the bumper.
Oh, my gosh, Avery, you're a gnomicidal maniac.
Better call gnomeland security! We can rebuild him if we go to Gnome Depot.
Unless you're going to make a Noam Chomsky joke, I don't want to hear any more.
Avery, you just ran over Noam Chomsky! I don't know who that is, but I'm pretty sure it works.
Hey, can I have some juice too, Mom? Sure.
It's funny, I could've sworn you just called me "Mom" instead of "Mommy.
" I did, Mom.
If I were drinking, that would have been a spit take.
Like this.
Are you sure? "Mom"? I'm nine.
I'm a near pre-tween.
That's what my age group is called.
You call you age group called pre-super oldies.
Then comes super-oldies, then post-super-oldies.
Also known as ghosts.
You know what? If you're ready to call me "Mom," then that's great.
You are getting older.
Old enough to help your mom clean up this juice.
(Laughing) Oh, Mom! No, no more skipping.
You're a near pre-tween.
How do people do this? It feels so slow! Hah! "Mom"? I mean I'm happy Chloe's growing up, Stan, but it also makes me kind of sad.
You know what makes me sad? My kids are always fighting.
Well, that and seasonal beverages.
I want eggnog now! Wait, why am I talking to you about Chloe when I've got a parenting expert in the other room? No, I am not a pre-super-oldie.
I'm gonna skip.
Oh, my knee.
Ow! My hip.
Whoa! Something went soft.
Parenting expert.
Maybe Bennett can tell me how to get my kids to stop fighting.
Excuse me, Ellen.
So I need to talk to you about Chloe.
(Phone ringing) Sorry, hon, it's my office line.
Wish I had a receptionist, it's probably a patient calling.
Okay, okay, I'll be back.
(Imitates female) Hello, Dr.
Bennett James's office.
How may I help you? Bennett has a receptionist? And with the voice of an angel.
I'm a huge fan of Dr.
James's books.
Can I speak with him? Dr.
James, there's a fan calling for you.
Thank you, Wanda.
Though you'll never have a bigger fan than me.
Oh, Wanda.
Hello, this is Dr.
James.
Can I help you? Oh, yes.
My name is, um hmm Chair.
Chairy.
Jerry.
That's right, Jerry.
Jerry Table.
Sheesh.
I need parenting advice.
Well, Mr.
Table, I'm always happy to help.
Please, call me Chair.
Chairy.
Jerry.
The thing is, my kids fight all the time, and I just don't know what to do.
Well, Jerry, it's best to let siblings develop their own tools for conflict resolution without parental intervention.
That sounds really complicated.
Just do nothing.
You're approaching my wheelhouse.
Listen I gotta get going.
My wife is having a problem with my nine-year-old daughter.
Oh, because she stopped calling her "Mommy"? What makes you think that? Ah, well, ya see (Imitates female) Mr.
Table, your 11 o'clock is here.
Thanks, Wanda! Your receptionist is named Wanda too? Hello? Ellen, I just had the oddest conversation.
I don't know what to do, Bennett.
Chloe wants to call me "Mom," instead of "Mommy.
" What? Are you kidding? No.
Of course not.
Did I say "Good one, Ellen"? I make it very clear when I'm kidding.
Jerry, the guy I was just talking to, was right.
He said that Chloe stopped calling you "Mommy.
" How did he know? Maybe he's psychic.
Did he say I would someday inherit Steincrotch Abbey? Because I'm not related to those Steincrotches, but I've had my heart set on a clerical error.
Yeah, listen.
Chloe is growing up, hon, she's changing.
That's a good thing.
I know being sad about Chloe growing up is silly.
I mean, she couldn't be our cute little one forever.
I just didn't want her to stop being our cute little one so soon.
I guess that time's over.
So, you see that I have ice packs all over me.
You're not going to say anything about this? Because it has been a harrowing morning, Bennett.
Apparently, I am a pre-super-oldie.
Then I skipped and something went soft and now I have a hot spot on my leg that I think is cooking these peas! Now check your rear-view mirror.
Okay, now let's turn up there and we'll gnome around the neighborhood.
What? Did you say "gnome"? Aaaaah! Who are you?! I'm the gnome you ran over and destroyed.
One day from retirement.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it! Then why are you mowing down the rest of my family? Daffodil! Rosemary! Cranky! Sloppy! Doofus! Didn't know that guy.
Twinkles! Itchy! Lefty! Bugsy! Two Toes! Will you please hit the brakes?! (Tires screeching) (Screaming) Tyler, that is not funny! Which just goes to show you, comedy is subjective.
Aah! Don't run over me! Don't worry, Tyler.
I'm not driving.
I know.
If you were driving, you'd be on the front lawn.
If you were driving, there'd be mangled gnome bodies in your path.
If you were driving Tyler! No, no, I have got one more.
If you were driving dang it! You made me forget! I hope you're happy! I'm never driving again.
My book is now about a courageous young girl who takes public transportation with the ridiculously handsome boy who says, "You taught me how to ride the bus and to love.
" This isn't all because of the gnome, is it? And me putting the gnome in your bed? And me changing the wallpaper on your phone to pictures of gnomes? What? Tyler! Look, I'm sorry if I took the teasing too far.
But if you're freaked out about driving, let me help you.
You helped me when I wanted to graduate early, and it meant so much, and then you taught me how to play the spoons.
I didn't teach you how to play the spoons.
Then how did I learn this? (Rhythmic clacking) Look I mean it, Avery.
I'm your big brother.
I may not always act like it, but I do care about you.
So what do you say? Let me help you with your driving.
Well, that's very sweet, Tyler.
Okay.
Let's give it a try.
Awesome.
Seriously, who taught me this? Ehhhh Freddy, stop! Stop what? This? Ehhh Dada, make him stop! Freddy, would you please No, no.
It's up to you guys to develop your own tools for conflict resolution, like Bennett said.
So work it out.
Okay, Dada.
Let's see how you like it.
Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi- yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi I think they're working it out.
Ehhh Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi Stop it! Just stop it! What's wrong with him? I think he has a bad case of ehhhh Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi Hey, Chloe.
Never have puppies.
So what are you doing? I heard my mom say I wasn't the little cute one anymore.
So I'm watching home movies to figure out how to get my cute back.
I don't know what Ellen's talking about.
I'm no expert on people cute, but your hair is poodle-y and you always have food on your fingers.
I mean, you got a lot going for you, Chloe.
Look at that technique.
Notice my hopeful, innocent expression.
That's all natural.
You can't teach that.
So what do you think, Stan? If I put on those PJs and find a baby pig and get in that little car, that will be really, really sad.
Or it could be adorable.
It's hard to know until we see it.
Yeah, that's pretty sad.
Should have trusted your gut, Chloe.
If I'm not the cute one anymore, I'm gonna have to find something else.
Wait a minute.
That's not even a pig.
It's a hairless guinea pig.
I couldn't find a real pig.
Well, can you put a coat on it or something? I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable.
Okay, I've driven you to this empty lot.
There's no one around.
You can't hit anyone or do any damage.
You need a licensed driver twenty-five years or older in the car, and we got Mr.
Trummer here, so we're all set to go.
I believe I was promised soup.
Oh! This tastes weak.
Like your entire generation.
All right, let's get going.
Start the car.
Okay.
I can do this.
Easy day.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I can't learn this way.
I'm used to learning things by myself, in my room.
So just close your eyes, pretend you're in your room, and drive.
This is why we have someone over twenty-five in the car.
Don't drive with your eyes closed.
Come on, Avery, why can't you just do this? (Mumbles) I'm afraid to fail in front of other people.
What? I'm afraid to fail in front of other people.
What? She's afraid to fail in front of other people! Here, you want to borrow this? I was afraid to fail in front of Mom and Dad because their opinions matter, so I thought it'd be easier with you two.
None taken.
I just can't do it.
I give up.
If you woulda had that kind of attitude, Tyler, you never would have learned how to play the spoons.
You're the one! (Rhythmic clacking) Chloe: So I've been working out a little.
Aah! What are you wearing? M'muscles.
I'm the strong one in the family.
Check it out.
Aarrgh! Huh! Chloe honey, I have to make dinner.
Why don't you go play dress-up in the other room, okay? Take this fake rock with you.
Whoa! It still has heft! My back went out.
Do you even lift, brah? Chloe, that's a fun costume.
It's not a costume.
It's who I want to be.
Why won't anyone take me seriously?! Oh, man, I really shredded my quads this morning.
Ohhh! Ah! Ohh! Ahaha! Ohh! Oww! Ow! Ow!!! Ow ow ow! That was weird.
I wonder what Mr.
Table would have to say about that.
So do I, Bennett.
So do I.
(Phone ringing) (Imitating female) Dr.
Bennett James's office.
How may I help you? (Imitating female) Oh hi, this is Wanda in Jerry Table's office calling for Dr.
James.
Oh, Wanda, hi! This is Wanda! I've heard so much about you.
Me too, doll.
We'll have to do lunch sometime.
Yes, that would be delightful! Dr.
James? This is Jerry.
Hi, Jerry.
I'm I'm so glad you called.
Listen, How did you know that my daughter was going to stop calling my wife "Mommy"? There's only one possible explanation.
I'm your dog.
What? No, I'm just kidding.
I'm a regular insightful stranger.
Don't tell me.
Now your daughter's dressing up as a strongwoman and complaining that no one is taking her seriously.
How did you know that? Is my wife going to inherit Steincrotch Abbey through a clerical error? Well, I can't really say, Lord Steincrotch.
Look, your daughter may be upset because people think she isn't the little cute one anymore and she doesn't know what makes her special in the family.
That's really helpful.
If you are ever looking to be a gentleman's valet, there will always be a position for you at Steincrotch Abbey.
Anyway, why were you calling? Well, letting my kids work out their conflicts themselves made the fighting even worse.
Your advice was terrible.
Would you like some more? Oh, sure! Well, what finally brought my kids together was when we got them a dog.
If your kids are responsible enough, I recommend it.
I gotta tell you, Stan is the best thing that ever happened to this family.
Hearing you say that means so much to me.
Tonight I am gonna curl up and sleep at your feet is what I would say if I were your gentleman's valet.
What? Gotta go.
What is all this? You don't want to drive because you don't want to fail in front of other people.
So I've built you (Dramatic) the Gauntlet of Failure! The gauntlet of failure? No, the Gauntlet of Failure! I'm going to make you comfortable with failing in front of other people.
Come on in, everybody.
That's right, get your soup and take a seat.
Ooh, it's hot.
Smells like celery.
Like Dorothy.
Okay, Avery, let's start with this basketball hoop.
Dunk the ball.
You think I'm going to fail, but I don't fail.
I'm gonna do this, Tyler.
I am gonna dunk this basketball.
Oh, man, I just blew it in front of all these people.
This is so embarrassing.
Okay, it's not the end of the world.
You failed in front of people.
Big deal.
We are all focused on our soup.
Now fail at the rest of these things.
Okay.
I guess I can give it a try.
(Cheering) Yes! I did it! Failing in front of people isn't so bad.
Congratulations! You're a failure! Now you're ready to drive in the Greater Los Angeles area.
And you also helped out Jimbo here.
He was afraid of success.
Chloe, what are you doing? I'm the cook in the family.
But I'm the cook in the family.
Hear her out, hon.
I just made my special chicken stuffed with Chinese food.
The secret ingredient is Chinese food.
I think Chloe is acting like this because she overheard you say that she's not your little cute one anymore.
She's trying to figure out what makes her special in the family.
No, I didn't mean that.
I've got to talk to her.
Although, she could be the strong one.
That rock was not light, Bennett.
Jacked me up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why is that colander moving? That's my line cook, Francois.
Aaah! Put a coat on it! I'm gonna let you two talk.
Chloe, why don't I take care of that for you? It's like a skin potato! Sweetie, come here.
Did you overhear me say you weren't the little cute one anymore? I guess so.
Oh, honey, it's okay that you're growing up.
I don't want you to feel badly about that.
But it made you sad when I called you "Mom.
" I'm sorry.
I didn't handle that very well.
But I think I know why.
When your dad and I first got together and I first met you, I'd already missed out on years of being your mommy, and I didn't want that to go away yet.
But I'm really glad I get to be your Mom now.
You are? Oh, yeah, honey.
You're such a wonderful girl.
That'll always make you special in this family.
I love you so much.
Love you, too, Mom.
Here, try my special gummy worm lasagna.
Oh.
What made you think to combine those ingredients? Oh, they're just things I found around the kitchen.
Lasagna, gum, and worms.
If I had taken a bite, that would have been a spit take.
Like this.
Why did I do that? I'll get Francois to help me clean this up.
Francois, you got time to lean, you got time to clean! Yes, I did it! I went driving with Tyler and Mr.
Trummer and I didn't mind failing in front of people.
Not when I went up on that curb, not when I drove through that flower bed.
Not even when I hit that mailbox.
Our mailbox.
We need a new mailbox.
Proud of you, sweetie.
I am totally putting this in her bed tonight.
Proud of you, sweetie.
Stan: So I took Bennett's advice and got my pups a pet to bring them together.
I couldn't trust them to take care of a real hairless guinea pig, so I got them the next best thing.
Aghh! It's weird-looking! Ohh! Put a coat on it! Why did I agree to do this? (Boing)