Family Ties (1982) s03e22 Episode Script

## I'll bet We've been together ## ## For a million years ## ## And I'll bet We'll be together ## ## For a million more ## ## Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ## ## On the night we kissed ## ## And I can't remember What I ever did before ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## And there ain't No nothin' ## ## We can't love Each other through ## ## Ooh-hoo ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## Sha-la-la-la ## Alex, I got a problem.
You mean, you've narrowed it down to one? Oh, come on.
You know I have to do that paper on the Louisiana Purchase.
I thought it was about shopping in Louisiana.
Can you help me out? Mallory, you know that I'm I'm willing to help those less fortunate than myself, and you certainly fall into that category.
But, uh, we gotta go to Grandma's in a few minutes.
So catch me when I got a spare decade.
Thanks, Alex.
I wish we could just go straight to Grandma's.
I wish we could talk Mom and Dad out of going to their Lamaze reunion.
I don't think so, Jen.
But they said we're just gonna stay for a few minutes.
I am as anxious as you are to get to Grandma's.
I mean, I-I love that woman.
We got a very special relationship.
Can't wait to go to her house.
That's only because Lisa Tobin lives next door to Grandma.
I have no interest Anyway, Jen, you're only anxious to get to Grandma's 'cause she's got cable TV.
That's not true.
I love Grandma.
If she happens to have 136 channels, so be it.
Okay, everyone, we're ready to go.
We have everything! Heh.
Pictures of the baby, the baby's diapers, the baby's seat, the baby's food.
Where's the baby? Well, he should be along any moment.
I better go hurry him up.
Mom, you'll be sure to tell Grandma why I can't come? Now, you sure you don't wanna come with us? No, I'll be fine.
Yeah, Mom, we better get going, huh? I don't want to disappoint Lisa Grandma.
Can't we just go straight to Grandma's? Do we have to go to this reunion? We don't have to go, we want to.
We have a lot in common with these people.
We went through natural childbirth classes with them.
Your father and I are really looking forward to it.
Elyse, do we really have to go to this reunion? Why don't we just go to your mother's? We'll have a great time, Steven.
Okay, let's go.
Uh, Mal, you're sure you'll be okay? I'll be fine.
Okay.
Well, we're very proud of you for putting your schoolwork first.
That's right, Mal.
Your pursuit of passing grades, no matter how futile, is entirely commendable.
And to reward you, I'm gonna let you use the Alex P.
Keaton archives, located in the Alex P.
Keaton trunk in the, uh, Alex P.
Keaton basement.
Okay.
Let's go! Have a great time.
Say hello to Lisa for me.
Okay.
Lisa? Who's Lisa? "Contrary to popular belief, the Louisiana Purchase is not about shopping in Louisiana.
" Hi.
I, uh, came in the back door.
I thought I'd surprise you.
Are you surprised? Skippy, what do you want? Someone to talk to.
A friendly face.
Well, there's no one like that here.
Please leave.
I have some studying to do.
Well, can I watch? Oh, please, please? I- I'll be quiet.
You You won't even hear me breathe.
I won't breathe.
Skippy, knock it off.
Wait, thereissomething you can do for me.
Oh, name it.
Anything.
Okay, there's something I need out of the basement.
There's a big, heavy trunk there.
It's dusty, and it's covered with cobwebs.
And as soon as you bring it up here, you got to leave.
Thanks, Mal.
I knew you'd come around.
Oh, is it yucky in here.
Look at all these cobwebs.
These, uh, webs, they remind me of the web that you've spun around my heart, Mallory.
Uh, let's get the trunk.
Come on.
What's in here? Uh, it's just Alex's old papers.
He must have used heavy ink.
What's going on? Open the door.
I'm trying, Mallory.
Well, just reach around and flip the latch.
What latch? You mean, you shut the door all the way? Yeah.
Is that bad? Oh, Skippy, we're locked down here now.
And my family's out all day, and then they're staying overnight at my grandmother's! You mean, we're gonna be locked down here all night? Yes! Darn the luck.
Hi! Hi, how are you? Leonard, how you doing? Good to see you again.
This is Andrew.
You remember Jennifer and Alex.
Oh, he's very cute.
Uh, thanks, Marge.
Got a new haircut.
Where's your baby? Ah, this is Louis.
And this is Lois.
Oh! Oh, that's great.
That's right, you had twins! Oh, I don't know what I'd do if I had twins.
That must be an awful lot of work, isn't it? Yes, it is a lot of work, but we're very happy.
Hi, Jennifer.
Oh, it's good to see you again, Alex, I'm glad you could come.
Oh, no problem.
Our grandmother lives near here, so we're just gonna spend the night there.
She has cable TV.
Yeah, and if she gets a VCR, we may spend Christmas with her.
We have cable TV too.
Really? Len, Leonard, Len, do you, uh Do you by any chance get, uh, Channel 31? ThePlayboychannel! Ah Yes, we do! Aha.
Is that what that is? I thought it was religious programming.
Alex, I asked him first about the cable TV, and I want to watch the hockey game.
Well, that's on Channel 28.
It's in the den.
Thanks.
Jen, hockey's overrated.
Jen, they're all men.
Oh, hey, hey.
I guess this, um This crying is a little A little contagious.
Oh, I'll get that.
Oh, hey! How are you? Hi, everybody.
Hey, nice place.
You brought your babies? I told you we were supposed to bring Larry Jr.
, Suzie.
Well, I'm sorry, Larry.
I misunderstood the invitation.
Wait a second, wait a second.
Two couples, three babies.
Hey, Suzie, someone brought an extra.
No Heh.
No, no, M-Marge and Leonard had twins.
Oh, twins.
Oh, that's great.
And if Larry Jr.
were here, you'd see that he's a really great baby too.
Yeah, he really is.
Well, maybe we should run home and get Larry Jr.
We could be back in two hours.
Don't be ridiculous, Suzie.
We're already here, without Larry Jr.
, thanks to you.
Dad, Alex won't let me watch the hockey game.
Look, that's not true, it's between periods.
And I-I just wanted to watch a few minutes ofCongress in session.
I've never seen naked congressmen before, Alex.
I'm so proud to be an American.
Will you two knock it off? Well, tell him to give me back the remote control! Marge, Lois won't stop crying.
Well, what do you want me to do, Leonard? Reason with her? A sea of babies, we're the only ones without one.
Show them the pictures, Larry.
Pictures aren't the same thing as a real baby.
Well, what do you want me to do? Come on.
Honey Honey, give me a hand here.
Come on.
Jennifer! Come on.
Now, honey, please.
Come on.
Please! We should do this more often.
Oh! I felt something give that time.
It might have been my shoulder.
Don't worry about that, Skippy.
Just keep going.
Ugh! No, Mallory, it's no use.
Do you happen to have any explosives on you? I can't believe that we're locked in the basement.
We could run out of air.
Well try not to think of it as a basement.
Think of this as a dungeon.
Oh, okay, I feel better now.
You see, I have been sent by the noble house of Handleman to rescue you.
See, you're the beautiful damsel in distress.
And I am a knight.
You are an idiot.
Well, what about that window? It leads to the backyard, doesn't it? Yeah, it's nailed shut.
Well, at least no one can break in.
We're stranded here and no one's gonna be here till the morning.
We don't even have anything to eat! Oh, but that's where you're wrong, Mallory.
Look at this.
What is that? It's a package of Cup-a-Soup.
Skippy, you're a real dope.
Where's the cup? Right here.
Where's the hot water? I never tried it that way.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here, huh? A hot-water heater.
Mallory, you're a genius.
Ha-ha! This is terrific! Uh, w-we've got heat, we've got hot water, we've got soup.
We could live here.
Just make the soup, Skippy.
All right, uh Stand back.
This is my first wet cup of Cup-a-Soup.
Let's see here.
Uh-oh.
What? Well, if you want my professional opinion, I busted it.
Oh, great, now we have no heat! Well, uh, don't worry now.
It's, uh It's probably just a fuse.
Fuse? Do you know anything about fuses? Are you kidding? Mallory, they don't call me Handy Handleman for nothing.
Okay.
Now, stand back.
Let's see here.
Uh-huh, ah, here's the culprit.
Here's the culprit.
Ah! Uh-oh.
Nice going, Handy.
Now, we've got no heat and no light.
But we've got each other, Mallory.
Help! I- I've almost got this figured out.
All I need is one more thing.
What? An electrician.
Here, let me Let me take a look at it.
See, if this were my hair dryer, what would I do? You'd be drying your hair with a fuse box.
Wait, what if I took this one out of here Uh, Mallory, I I wouldn't do that! Don't.
and put it into here.
That's very nice.
We can see each other again.
I'm so grateful.
Skippy, look, the only way we're gonna get out of here is the window.
There must be some way to open it.
All right, all right, let me, uh, have a look at it now.
Move this.
Stand back.
Mallory, this may be the last time we ever see each other.
Good.
Here I go.
Uh, okay.
All right.
I got it open.
Oh, boy.
Well, there's plenty of snow here if we need it.
There.
Can you get out, Skippy? No, I'm sorry.
There's no way I can fit through the bars.
Maybe if I buttered myself.
Oh Oh, great! Now the window's stuck open.
We're gonna freeze to death! What are we doing? Jumping jacks.
Oh, good idea.
It's very important that we be in top physical condition when we die.
Skippy, I'm just trying to keep warm.
Where you going? What are you doing? Why Ow! Ah! Ooh! What's wrong? Ooh! It's my ankle.
It's It's an old Cub Scout injury.
Here, come on.
Sit down.
Come on.
Mallory, I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
I- I got us locked down here and I goofed up the window and now I hurt myself.
Right when you need me the most.
Skippy, just relax.
I can't relax, Mallory.
I'm supposed to be your knight.
Now, I've got to find something to keep my damsel warm.
There's gotta be something What? What did you say was in this trunk? Uh, it's just Alex's old junk.
Mallory, there are clothes in here.
We can put them on and be warm.
Oh, great, Skippy.
Nice going.
Oh, don't thank me.
That's what us knights are for.
It's too bad the babies are still asleep.
Mmm.
I wonder if Larry Jr.
is asleep.
He looks so cute when he's sleeping.
Remember, Suzie? Well, you know, it It is great getting together like this.
I I was just, uh, saying to Elyse on the drive over here that we really don't know each other that well.
No.
I don't mean that she and I don't know each other that well.
I I, uh, meant all of us.
Oh.
That's true, you know, during the Lamaze classes, we didn't have much of a chance to socialize, but But now we can just sit back and relax and talk.
That's right.
Right.
Hey, and talk about something other than babies.
What a relief.
Finally.
So, what'd you guys think of that election? Oh.
Oh, boy, we're pretty upset, let me tell you.
Who wants another four years with that guy? We think he's doing a fine job.
That's right.
I, uh Well, I don't follow politics.
Heh.
Heh.
Then why did you bring it up, Larry? Oh, I was just trying to make conversation.
I mean, let's face it, this party's dying.
Are you sure this goes on this way? I'm positive.
Well I certainly am warm now, huh? We're lucky that your parents like to get dressed up like chipmunks.
Skippy, I told you it was for a Halloween party.
It's a good thing they didn't go as nudists.
I can't believe this.
I don't mind freezing to death half as much as the thought of being found looking like this.
What are you doing? I'm looking for something to eat.
I have a sudden craving for chestnuts.
"My Summer Vacation by Alex P.
Keaton, "age 6.
"This summer, I went to the zoo.
"It only cost 50 cents because I am a minor.
"It cost my parents $1 because they are majors.
"One day, I'd like to run the zoo and charge $2 to get in with no discounts for anybody.
" Maybe we could warm up by setting this on fire.
Whoa.
That Alex! I Ouch! Ah! What is it? It's my ankle again.
It really hurts.
Mallory, I think I'm gonna need an ankle transplant.
Why don't you sit down or something.
All right.
I, uh, didn't know you were so highly-trained for medical emergencies.
Why don't you put some ice on it.
Okay.
Um which paw is it? This one.
There.
How's that? Much better.
You know, Mallory, you'd make a good veterinarian.
Fat chance of me ever being anything important.
Well, you're not exactly dressed for success.
What's that? I- I found it in Alex's trunk.
It's a picture of your 7th birthday party.
Oh.
Here, take a look at this.
There's your parents, and there's Alex, and there's Jennifer, and there's me.
Where am I? You're the one in the corner sticking your tongue out at me.
Oh, yeah.
I remember that party.
You had to leave early 'cause you swallowed a party favor.
Oh, we've had a lot of good times, Mallory.
Yeah, a lot of water under the bridge.
I- I know what you mean.
In fact, I guess we all consider you kind of an honorary Keaton.
You mean it? Yeah, I'm used to you, Skippy.
Even though you're very annoying, when you're not around, I kind of miss you.
You do? I didn't know that.
I- I I always feel like an outsider, wherever I am.
You wouldn't know what I'm talking about, would you? Well, don't be so sure.
See, sometimes I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
You know, Alex is real smart, and Jennifer is great at sports.
Andrew's cute, and I don't know.
I'm nothing special.
I'm I'm just me.
Mallory, you got to be kidding.
I mean, you are the most special person in the whole world.
Thanks, Skippy.
You're kind of special in your own way.
Mallory, because of this kiss, I shall never wash my face again.
Then you'll never be kissed again.
Oh, Steven, come on.
They're down here in the basement.
Let's try to imagine what series of events led to this point.
I'd rather not, Dad.
Oh, thank God you're home! Honey.
What happened? W Oh, we came down here to get Alex's trunk, and Skippy shut the door and locked us in.
And then the heater broke, we almost froze to death.
Aren't you gonna ask us how our day was? Skippy, wake up.
Oh Oh, you should have let me sleep.
I was having the nicest dream.
I dreamt that I was in this big barrel of macadamia nuts.
Let Let me a-ask you kids something.
Were you in chipmunk costumes when you came down here, or No, no, Dad, we found them down here.
We put them on to keep warm.
We almost froze to death.
Mallory, you'll do anything to get out of writing a paper.
Yeah, right.
Oh, no! You shut the door! Yeah, why? Well, that's how we got stuck in here.
It locks automatically.
No, no, no, no, it doesn't.
All you do is this, and you're out.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Before hunting season starts.
Hey, Mallory.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't know.
I know this was a terrible night for you.
Well, it wasn't so bad.