Friends s03e22 Episode Script

Are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my dad back two hours ago.
Oh, yeah.
He clicked on.
Call him as soon as you get a chance.
He's at Flimbees.
What's Flimbees? That's the word I use when I can't remember the real thing.
Okay, hang up! That's it.
Come on! No.
That's what they want me to do.
My warranty expires tomorrow.
If I don't get through.
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they won't fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It's us versus them! Yes! I gotta double-check for tickets tonight.
Who got what? I have one.
I need two.
I'm bringing Pete.
My boyfriend.
I have a boyfriend now.
Two it is.
How about you? Yeah, I also need two.
Really? Who's number two? Whose Number Two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
No, it's just this person.
Like a date-type person? Yeah, kind of.
It's this woman from work.
I hope that won't be too weird.
Will it, Rach? Not at all.
I was actually gonna bring someone myself.
But you said one ticket.
I meant me plus one.
Okay.
Did you guys mean you plus one? All right.
I'll see you tonight.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Okay, I need a date! Oh, hey! You guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate! And I borrowed your cologne.
I hope she likes it.
What are you doing? She's seeing somebody.
Yeah, and I don't have any cologne.
-Bottle next to the shaving cream.
-Worm medicine for the duck.
The One With the Screamer .
:staz:.
(staz@post.
cz) -Here you go.
You can wear this.
-Thanks.
I'm setting the phone down.
But I'm still here.
Just don't go anywhere.
I'm still here.
Don't switch or anything, because I'm right here.
Just one sec.
One sec.
One second! Wait! One second! Just.
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.
What? Monica, I'm scared! Honey, that's a sleeve.
And we also have a speakerphone.
Please stay on the line.
Your call is important to us.
You gotta hang up.
We'll be late.
Thank you for your patience.
You're the next caller.
Yes! Yes! I'm the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.
Can you take a duck and a chick to the theater? Of course not.
I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.
Oh, hi, how are you? Good.
-Looks like we're the first ones here.
-Looks that way.
First ones here! Oh, Tommy, this is Ross.
Ross, Tommy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Cailin.
Cailin-- Sorry.
And break! I think I'm gonna run to the ladies' room.
-I'll join you.
-I'll get our seats.
Well, this is.
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awkward.
Well, because Rachel and I used to go out.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, then this is awkward.
-So what do you.
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.
? -I think we're here.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I think you may be in our seats.
No, I don't think so.
-Could we take a look at your ticket? -Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah, see, this says, "D-1 3" .
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Oh, well, I thought that-- You thought? Well, that didn't really work out for you.
Idiot! What are you, a moron? It says, "D-1 3" ! Okay? You're surrounded by even numbers! Does that give you a clue? -The usher told me-- -The usher must be right! With all his training! Get out! Here! -Hey, man, you want the aisle? -No, I'm good.
-There he is! -There's our star! You were great! So? What'd you think? Almost as good as the play with the two naked girls on the seesaw.
-I wasn't in that.
-I know.
I want you to meet everybody.
Everybody, this is Kate.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sweetheart! Come! So that's the girl you like.
I tell you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy.
He viciously screamed at total strangers.
I think he's bad news.
Wait a minute.
You don't like the guy Rachel's dating? Well, that's odd.
Oh, hey, Lauren.
You guys, this is Kate's understudy, Lauren.
Hey, gosh, you look so familiar.
I ran into you in the hallway in your building.
It was right after I slept with Joey.
He dumped me the next day.
So how'd you guys meet? The short version is, I pursued her for a couple of months.
Then I gave her a check for $20,000 and she was mine.
In the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version.
Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous! You guys, this is my agent, Estelle.
How do you do? Oh, you two girls were outstanding! Do they have representation? They weren't in the play.
We're not actors.
What a shame! With her face and her chest, I could really put something together.
Could I borrow it? Hi.
Remember me? Hi.
Yeah.
Tommy's in line for the bathroom.
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and someone just cut.
I think he's gonna snap.
I'm gonna go.
Go? Why? I don't know.
Could be because I don't feel like.
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waiting all night for a guy who may or may not scream.
He definitely will scream.
Goodbye.
Here we go, people! "Boxing Day.
The Lucille Lortel Theatre.
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Joey Tribbiani gives an uneven performance.
But Mr.
Tribbiani is not the worst thing in this production.
" Yes! "Kate Miller's awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable.
" Here it is! "The direction.
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by Marshall Townend is.
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" Thank you, boys and girls.
You've ruined my life.
Please stuff your talentless faces.
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with my mother's crab cakes! Excuse me! Does anyone mind if I save this? -Is the play over? -Where were you? Thank you for your patience.
You're the next caller.
You were "the next caller" hours ago.
You must be going crazy.
I've kept myself busy.
Okay, yeah, I put your stuff in her room and her stuff in your room.
You okay? Fabulous.
Drama critics, they're nothing but people who couldn't make it as actors.
-You know what to do? -Become a drama critic.
I am hurt! A plague.
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on both your houses! By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.
Oh, classy.
I sure know how to pick them.
You know I gave up a part on a soap for this? I gave up a job too.
-Really? What? -Declawing cats.
Hey, tell you what, let me walk you home.
We'll stop by every newsstand and burn every copy of The Times and The Post.
-Why The Post? -You didn't see The Post? -No.
You? -No.
Why? You really think these newspapers are just jealous of me? Absolutely.
You're talented and you're good-looking.
You're sweet and cute.
I know.
That's why they trashed me.
-Wait.
Wait a minute.
-What? I don't get you.
I mean, first you hate me.
Then you sleep with me.
Then you want nothing to do with me.
Now you want me again? You never went out with an actress before? Kate, do you even like me? -Of course I do.
-So how come you blew me off? -How come you were with him? -I don't know.
I just do this.
I always have to pick, like, the smartest guy.
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or the most talented guy.
Why can't I just pick someone like you? Thanks.
You know what I mean.
I mean, like, the sweetest guy.
You're just so.
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You're so.
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: : :so: : : : Here we go.
Let's get your feet up there.
Good night.
Sweet dreams.
I'm gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl.
Please stay on the line.
Your call is very important to us.
You've been up for 24 hours.
Go to sleep.
This isn't healthy.
No, no, I'm fine.
And you know why? Because of all the riboflavin.
Didn't you have that on last night? I stayed at Kate's but nothing happened.
Hey, where were you? I'm so, so sorry.
I am definitely gonna see your play.
I swear, your play is very important to us.
Thank you for your patience.
Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.
How'd it go with Kate? It was great! I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected.
Then she passed out.
But then she woke up.
And we stayed up all night talking.
And now we're crazy about each other! You had "the night" ! When two people realize their feelings for each other.
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and they talk for hours and learn all about the other person.
You think? -Did you learn about her family? -Two brothers.
One died! Yes! This is from the woman at the bar.
Sorry.
She thought you were somebody else.
-What time is it? -One.
Watch doesn't work.
Tommy's supposed to be here soon.
We're going to lunch.
Look, I wasn't gonna say anything to you, but.
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All right, I don't think you should be seeing Tommy anymore.
You don't? The guy is mean.
I mean, really mean.
I think you should stay away from him.
Or maybe I should stay away from all men.
It's not just because I'm jealous.
I mean, I'm not.
I'm not jealous.
Look, the guy actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.
Yeah, and at the end of the play.
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he got up, and he just started, like, banging his hands together.
You don't want to believe me, that's fine.
We're kidding.
No one believe me.
I'm Mr.
Funny to you.
Mr.
Funny! -Sorry, Tommy.
-What's in the cup? What is in the cup? Okay, it's coffee.
Iced coffee? Tell me it's iced coffee.
-It's hot-- -Hot coffee! You idiot! You gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh? What are you? Just a big, stupid doofy idiot with a doofy idiot hairdo? What's your favorite thing about summertime? Going to the beach when it stays light real late.
What's your favorite thing about summer? I don't know.
Probably the smell of freshly cut grass.
That's a good one.
Sorry! Sorry I'm late! My duck and my chick had a fight.
It was ugly.
We held the curtain for you.
Let's go! vic! Where have you been, baby? Where's Kate? She got a job in L.
A.
I've been waiting up all night for you.
Where have you been? Where have you been, vic? Go to the window.
I wanna run down to the truck and show you something.
What do you got down there, vic? What do you got under that tarp? When is she leaving? Tonight.
What are you doing? I'm coming up! Hey, you mind if I use the phone? Use ours across the hall because she.
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has problems.
Thanks.
Sorry, Tommy.
I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.
Yeah, but you didn't.
No, but.
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it's hot.
Would you stop it? It's getting really old.
I can't believe no one believes me.
I do.
I believe you.
You do? Yeah.
But I also believed her when she said I was next.
Hey there, little fella.
Mr.
Fuzzy Man, how you doing? Gross! Idiot! Stupid, little, fuzzy, yellow creature! "Oh, look at me! I'm so cute! I'm a little chick who's disgusting! " You're so stupid! How are you not yet extinct? What are you quacking about? Dumb Donald Dodo! Step away from the duck.
Sorry, little Mr.
Chickadee.
Sorry you went doody in my hand! I guess we're not going out anymore.
Man! Joey, I'm so glad I caught you.
I couldn't find you before.
What's all this about L.
A.
? They still want me for General Hospital.
But.
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what about us? Last night was wonderful.
But I can't stay here just for you.
So stay for the museums.
-I'm sorry.
-Joey, on-stage! At least stay till the end of the play.
I'll go to the airport with you.
I want to say goodbye.
Where are you, vic? Flight's in an hour.
I gotta go.
vic? vic? -vic! -In a minute! So this is it, victor? Yeah.
I guess it is.
Listen.
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I gotta say goodbye, and I gotta say it quick because this is killing me.
One thing you gotta know is that I will never forget you.
But you got things you have to do now.
And so do l.
And so.
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I'm gonna get on this spaceship.
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and I'm gonna go to Blaargon-7 in search of alternative fuels.
But when I return .
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you'll be long gone.
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but I won't have aged at all.
So you tell your great, great granddaughter.
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to look me up.
Because, Adrianne.
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baby.
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I'm gonna want to meet her.
So long, vic! It's been two days.
Yeah, I know.
Good thing it's one of those Phoebe, 800 is toll free.
It has to be 800 because all those big companies have 800 numbers.
Every.
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.
Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I will pay you back.
And yet she's still not hanging up the phone.
-Hang up! -Hang up the phone! Fine! Fine! Well, I think I broke it.
But that's all right.
Here's the number where you can call.