Happy Endings s03e22 Episode Script

So last month, to celebrate our one year of dating bliss, Big Dave surprised me and took me on a Huey Lewis and The News cruise.
Aw! Cut to seventh encore "Hip To Be Square," Huey pulls me up on le stage.
You'll never guess what happened next.
My top came off! She took it off.
Ugh! Gross, mom! - She's a keeper.
- Really? Huey Lewis and them thangs Yeah! So in answer to your question, - that was the second largest crowd to ever see my hooters.
- Ooh! What was the first? - Robert Bork's confirmation hearing.
- The '92 Masters.
You said one thing, you said another thing.
- Oh, wait.
- Ooh, is that the third? - Cruise was third.
- Okay, that was the third.
Yeah.
Speaking of things hanging out, how about us, huh? We've got my dad here, we've got Penny's mom, the whole crew.
This is great.
I know.
I don't know why anybody thought it was weird you guys were dating at first.
You are great together-- Jay and Bey great.
Don't know what that is.
She means Jay-Z and Beyonce.
Not my friend Jay in the Chesapeake Bay 'cause that's where he drowned.
RIP, Jay.
Embraced by the tide and called home to hell.
Any-bay what are we gonna do with this big group tomorrow, huh? A little 4-on-4 hoops? Maybe an 8-person party bike? Chinese New Year dragon? Well, actually, we're taking Penny and Dave to that "TV Robots Through The Ages" exhibit at the Museum of Science.
It covers all the greats.
They got Rosie from "The Jetsons," KITT from "Knight Rider," Angie Harmon.
What about this foursome over here, huh? Jane? Brad? Alex? What are we gonna do? Uh, we would love to, but we have to go to a bris.
- A what? - It is a Jewish circumcision party.
Don't worry.
Only the baby gets circumcised.
All right, well, have fun.
And mind your groin.
Okay, so everybody's got got stuff to do.
That's-- that's good.
That's good.
We'll put a pin in it, and then-- and then we'll all get get back together w-when-- when everyone's schedule permits.
This is not a great color on you.
Well, I think it's adorable how much time you guys spend together.
You're practically attached at the hip, like those conjoined German prostitutes I saw on "Real Sports.
" They're also power lifters.
I wouldn't say we spend that much time together.
I mean, just breakfast four or five times a week before work.
And drinks during the day most days.
Not every day, but definitely every evening.
And, sure, we always deliver news in person.
You know, maybe we should review that policy.
Jane, did you hear who Max hooked up with? A guy named Jorsh.
Um, can it wait? Jane! Did you hear what I-- ohh.
Dear Jorsh.
That thing is no joke.
I still don't know why you felt the need to read my chart.
Jane, they say you should always get a second opinion.
Mine just happens to be gross.
- Yeah, it is.
- You got that right.
- But it feels so good - Ohh! Are we terrible people for lying and saying that we were going to a bris? No.
We're not terrible people.
We need some couple time away from the group.
If we get into this tennis club, it could be our thing.
Like how making love out of nothing at all is air supply's thing.
Yeah, like how being terrified of a dunk contest is Lebron's thing.
Exactly.
Yeah, you're right.
Lying is the only way to avoid hurting Max's feelings.
Dude cannot handle being excluded.
Um, Max, when we said we're going to Mexico for our anniversary We meant just us.
Oh.
Come on, Danny.
I can't believe we brought him.
I can't believe he won that wet pants contest at Señor O'Callahan's.
Don't worry.
A bris is a great lie.
I was gonna tell him we were going horseback riding, but I was afraid it would come out that I ride sidesaddle.
- Aw.
- Shalom.
Shalom! Hey, guys.
- What is up? - We were gonna tag along with you guys to that bris.
- Oh.
- Alex has never been to one.
- Yeah.
- And I don't remember my first two.
Of course, the second one was less of a religious ceremony - and more of a horrific jet skiing accident.
- Oh.
Wait.
Why are you guys going to a bris dressed like Venus and Jane Williams? Alex, there is no bris.
They're going to play tennis.
The only question is why would you lie? Yo, I ain't lie.
Why would you lie to us? The facts did change, but I ain't lie.
- You need to tell the truth.
- Don't come at me like that.
- Wouldn't have to if you told the truth.
- Don't come at me like that.
- I wouldn't have to if you told the truth.
- You talk like that, for real? - It's about honesty.
- It makes me feel unsafe.
It's about honesty between friends.
All right, okay.
We're busted.
Brad and I are joining a private tennis club, and we didn't tell you because we-- we know how you get, and we were afraid that you-- That you would, um, make fun of us.
Right? Yes.
Make fun of us.
That was the fear.
That was the fear right there.
Guys, come on.
This is me.
Of course I'm gonna make fun of you.
I mean, almost immediately, I'm in an area of what time is your monocle fitting, Ambassador Goldface Von Cash? Stop.
- And that's just first blurt.
- Love it.
Guys, we would've totally invited you, but it's gonna be really lame.
I mean, we don't even wanna do it.
It's really just a networking thing for Brad.
Definitely not your scene.
- Say no more.
That sounds horrible.
- Yeah.
Agreed.
Hey, catch you after, if we haven't killed ourselves.
Am I right? - No.
Don't do that.
- Okay, all right.
Peace on Earth.
Enjoy your tennis, Ambassador Goldface.
- You, too, Mrs.
Cash.
- Oh.
That's so, so funny! - Good save.
- I think they bought it.
I bet they think we bought it.
Not our scene? You know what that means, right? Those two richies think we're not good enough to hang out at a tennis club.
- They do? - Yeah.
This is how groups of friends fall apart, Alex.
Pretty soon they're gonna start doing all this rich people stuff and leave us poor folks to fend for ourselves.
We need to do something about it.
Yeah.
Let's show that 1% that the other 10% are just as good as they are.
Exactly.
What a fun family outing.
- Oh, what fun.
- I know.
It's amazing.
They got the original "Small Wonder" robot on loan from Crispin Glover.
Wait.
Robots collecting robots.
Am I right? Can I get anyone a drink? Ooh.
Ooh.
I have a lovely homemade pear wine in the trunk of my car.
Let me get that.
Well, uh, actually, how about some champagne? Because we do have some news.
I knew it.
They're getting married.
I die.
As you know, Big David and I care about each other very much.
And? - And we're not getting any younger.
- We're a little old.
And? We're adopting a baby.
- Oops.
- Uh-oh.
I can see that you kids are a teeny bit wigged out, but listen, we got so much joy out of raising you both, that we've decided to do it again together.
Besides, we're through raising you.
- You're all grown up.
Don't need us anymore.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's over.
- So what do you think? What do we think? This is great news.
What flavor are you thinking? Black, Ayzsh, original recipe? Dave, you wanna weigh in on this breaking news? Uh well, I know on the outside I may look like a stoic "Just For Men" box model, but on the inside, I'm jazzed.
Jazzed.
That is the perfect word.
It encapsulates our excitement while simultaneously referencing jazz, America's one true art form.
So, yeah.
Congrats.
Thank you.
Or, more purely stated Skiddily bop bop, skiddily bop bop Mmm! Good on ya, Chad.
Like your style, buddy.
- Babe? - Mmm.
Mmm! This place is amazing, especially the locker room.
I mean, shaving cream? Heated.
Towels? Heated.
Locker room attendant? Heated When I pointed out all of those lotions are full of toxic parabens, but don't worry.
I gave him a thick tip.
Mm, bet you did.
Well, I just had a pomegranate blueberry quinoa smoothie, and let me tell you, if there is one single oxidant left up in me, I am a monkey's uncle.
God, I hope they let us join.
Oh, me, too.
Brad, Jane? Connie Kelly, Membership Director.
I know what they say.
Never trust a man with two first names, but when it's ladies' names, it doesn't apply.
- Oh! - Oh, Connie.
Welcome to the Gold Coast Tennis Club.
We are excited to be here, Connie.
Oh, and I'm excited to show you around.
Uh, just waiting on two others.
And oh! There they are.
- Hello! - Hello! Brad, Jane, this is Max and Alex.
- Lovely day for tennising, isn't it? - Oh, it is.
- Shall we begin? - Yeah.
- Oh, we shall.
- Oh, we shall.
Mmm.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Wow.
So our parents are adopting a baby together.
I can't believe I'm not gonna be the baby anymore.
This is now officially my worst nightmare.
That's right, Jason Giambi sex dream.
You're out.
I mean, they shouldn't be adopting a baby at their age.
They should be salting their grapefruit and watching broadcast television.
And you know what this means? We're the ones who are gonna have to take care of this kid.
I'm 30.
How is a 30-year-old supposed to take care of a baby? Well, you're 31 if you're a minute, - but who's counting? - Hurtful.
But seriously, what are we gonna do? This is a bad idea.
They aren't thinking long-term.
They're forgetting that having a kid isn't all tickles and hugs.
Yeah, I'm sure if they had to take care of a baby for just one day, they'd be like no, thanks, baby.
Mmm, exactly.
Wait.
And all we have to do is ask one of our friends with a kid if we can babysit, then we bring that stroller meat around Big Dave and Dana and remind them that having a kid is a nightmare.
Good idea.
Scare 'em straight.
Mm-hmm.
Like that time we took Max to that prison and scared all those inmates into getting their lives together.
- Tough love.
- Let's do this.
And here is the grand dame herself-- center court.
Man, if this court could talk, it would say, "Why has God done this to me? Curses to you, God!" Connie, you are a treat.
Excuse me for just a moment.
Uh, don't wanna be a name dropper, but I think I just spotted Cook County Deputy Comptroller Sheryl Pflimf.
We're dear friends.
One moment.
Sheryl! What the hell are you guys doing here? Taking a tour, thinking about joining the club.
Sussin' it out.
- Yeah, straight sussin'.
- Straight what? Come on.
You guys don't wanna join a tennis club.
Why? 'Cause it's not our scene? You don't think we're good enough to rub elbows with you and the Sheryl Pflimfs of the world? Well, I say we fit in here just fine.
Really? You fit in? - Alex, you've asked three people if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Sure.
And, Max, you look like John McEnroe's fat cousin, John Mac-n-Cheese.
Max, can you just get outta here before you ruin this for us? - You get outta here before you ruin this for us.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Ohh! Sheryl was a real yapper.
The only thing she can't deputy comptrol is her mouth.
- Oh, uh-oh.
- Women be talkin'.
Anywho, I'm sure you all are probably itching to try out the courts, huh? Why don't you guys play doubles? - Um, I don't think so.
- Connie! Brad, we can play doubles! - Yes! - I don't think so.
I don't think so.
Sure.
I'll go set up a court for you.
- You know-- um - Great.
Okay.
Here's the deal.
If you guys win, we'll never step foot in this place again, but if we win, then we get the choice of joining up here.
We just might be club people.
Max, nobody solves things through tennis matches anymore, bro.
It's not the '80s.
You scared, Arthur Ashe-y? Oh.
Nobody calls me Ashy ever! That is not just a slap in my evenly moisturized face.
It's an insult to my personal lotion consultant and my creamist! It's on! Oh, it is on.
Oh, it is on.
Oh, it is on.
Welp no one would give me a kid, and I asked everyone.
Hey! Allison.
Remember when you thought that baby was mine for, like, five minutes? Do you think I could borrow it for, like, five minutes? I couldn't get one either.
I got so many "no's," I felt like Jason Giambi in my Jason Giambi sex dream.
When did parents become so attached to their kids? If you love something, set it free.
Or lend it to your downstairs neighbor.
You're telling me I can rent a salon-grade hooded dryer chair, but I can't rent a kid.
Wait, David.
You may just be on to something.
I know.
Why do in a stuffy salon what you can do in the comfort of your own home? No.
You can rent a kid.
My PR firm casts babies in commercials all the time.
If I put out a fake casting call, I could get 50 crazy stage moms and their kids lined up in my office in ten minutes.
- Really? - Never underestimate the lure of building your child a college fund which you can then raid to buy an ATV for your boyfriend Tico.
Sad but sad.
Told ya.
Good job.
This feels like a real casting call.
Although I am concerned with the waiting room food situation or lack thereof.
Now I know we're butting up against lunch, but maybe you could get a mezze plate going with some grape leaves, maybe some hummus.
What? Dave, there is no time.
We just need to find the worst mother here and the most rotten, miserable baby and dump it on our parents.
Jackpot.
Are you sure? They're perfect.
Just play along.
Hello.
Penny Hartz, PR.
Dave Rose, PD.
Product Design.
Amphibious footwear, mostly.
- But that can all come later.
- Okay, he's the client.
Now who is this precious child? Oh, this is Eddie.
I'm so sorry.
He's a little tuckered out.
Tuckered out or not, we think Little Eddie's the right man for the part.
Really? We just need to take him into the next room for a screen test if you don't mind hanging out here in the waiting area.
I apologize ahead of time for the lack of a mezze plate.
Okay.
And we'll bring him back in a couple hours.
That be okay? I can't believe he booked it.
I have to call his dad! To ask permission.
It's part of our custody agreement.
- Oh.
- I'm sure it's fine.
I don't wanna bug him.
He's at his prom.
You hear that, baby? You're a star.
We're stars.
- I'm moving in slow motion - Ohh! - Oh.
- Oh.
- Uhh! - feels so good it's a strange anticipation - Yeah! - Yes! Yeah! Knock, knock, knocking on wood - Aah! - Uhh! Bodies working overtime It's man against man - Ow! Ow! - and all that ever matters is, baby, who's ahead of the game funny, but it's always the same Playing, playing with the boys I'll be staying, playing with the boys - Aah! - with the boys after chasing sunsets sunsets one of life's simple joys is playing with the boys I got it! Playing, playing with the boys I'll be staying, playing with the boys with the boys after chasing - We won! - We won your We destroyed you! Whoopsie daisy.
- You don't deserve this! - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - Honey - What?! What's up? is how we would have celebrated if we didn't wanna belong to this awesome club.
I don't know.
This plan is kinda crazy.
We're basically kidnapping a baby.
- I'm not sure I can go through with this.
- Okay, yes, it is crazy, but is it any crazier than our parents adopting a baby at their age? You're right.
I guess the juice is worth the squeeze.
Besides, we're gonna be back in an hour.
What you should be worrying about is that we're meeting our parents for lunch in five minutes, and Fussy Eddie here has suddenly decided to turn into Super Sweet Eddie who won't bum them out at all.
My God.
You're right.
He is being super sweet.
Goo-goo, ga-ga! I wish I had a little brother just like you.
- What? - Oh, right, that's the exact opposite of what we're trying to do here.
Okay, so I guess we just need to make it cry, right? How do we do that? Hey, hey.
What if I start crying? That'll make it cry, right? How are you gonna make yourself cry? What am I doing with my life? My mom's in a better relationship than I am.
And I'm wearing a perfume by Shania Twain.
- Wow, that was fast.
- It's all cued up.
You just sorta have to press "Play.
" Damn it.
It's not working.
What if I insult it? Uh hey, baby.
Way to get all your meals from a boob, you tiny moron.
He doesn't understand words.
You're gonna have to use a harsher tone.
Remember my face.
Oh, you probably can't, because you don't have object permanence, you bald bitch! Ha ha! Aah! Aah! Aah! What the hell is going on? Good question, Trish.
Smart.
I was just speaking to Little Eddie in a demon voice to see how he'd react to the hustle and bustle of a commercial shoot.
And I was crying because Little Eddie's performance moved me to tears.
Wait.
What are you doing down here in the first place? What are you doing down here in the first place, Trish? There was no food in the waiting room, and I got hungry.
Told ya.
Seriously, were you taking my baby someplace? - What? No.
- That's crazy.
Hey, y'all! Ready to split? Cab's waiting outside.
Ohh.
Is this the little surprise you told us about? What a perfect little baby.
Maybe we should just steal this one, am I right or am I right? You are coming home with me.
I'm calling the cops.
Trish.
So you and Dave kidnapped this woman's baby.
Small Dave, is this true? It depends how you define "true.
" If you mean the thing that happened, then yes.
This is beyond unacceptable.
Why in the world would you do something like this? Um, to prove how irresponsible you and Big Dave are being, and I hope you learned your lesson and stuff.
FYI-- you don't teach us lessons.
We teach you lessons.
I don't care who is teaching what to who.
It doesn't change the fact that I'm calling the cops.
All right, ma'am, if I may, I think I know what's happening here.
My girlfriend and I wanted to adopt a child.
Let me back up.
I am his father, and I've been dating this young lady's mother.
Let me back up again.
The year was 1980.
I was a sexually active young buck with some notions about birth control - that were dead wrong.
- Hey.
Okay, I think what he's trying to say is that we're adopting a baby, and our older children are freaking.
Okay, that I get.
You know when I had Eddie here, my 8-year-old totally acted out.
Clearly, this one gets it.
So, mama grizzly to mama grizzly, what do you say we give these cubs a pass, huh? I mean, they're just kids.
Um they're easily 30, so no.
- 31.
- All right.
Well, I'm gonna have to handle this like a dad.
- Here we go.
- Say when, Trish.
I am saving for an ATV, so New or used? - New.
- Yeah.
Put it in my purse.
E-mail me the receipt.
So I guess you guys didn't get into the club.
- No, we didn't.
- It's my fault.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just I got all paranoid that you guys would move on and start doing rich stuff, and I'd never see you guys again 'cause you'd be going all "Eyes Wide Shut" parties and hunting people for sport with Tommy Hilfiger or whatever rich people supposedly do.
Max, it's not about rich stuff, all right? It's not even about tennis.
It's about Jane and I having something to do just for us.
Look, we love hanging out with you guys, but we need some couple time to ourselves, too.
Well, why didn't you just say that? We didn't wanna hurt your feelings, and you sort of freak out whenever anyone tries - to do something without you.
- No, I don't.
Uh, remember when Dave had appendicitis? And you punched yourself in the stomach so you could get it, too, but all you got was red diarrhea? Point taken.
Advantage-- you guys.
Look, seriously, I'm sorry, for real.
I'm sorry, too.
Thanks.
Let's just go, though.
You're not going anywhere.
I've got the perfect plan to get you back into this club.
I don't think it's necessary.
- What? What is he up to? - I think - I don't know.
He's got some pep in his step.
- I don't know.
- Yes, he seemed very excited.
- He's gonna turn it around.
- I think he is.
- No, no, let's not.
I don't think we need to go that far with it.
It didn't work! It didn't work! It didn't work! It didn't work! What exactly was his plan? It didn't work! Aah! So, listen, Dave and I are so sorry we acted like idiots and freaked out about you guys adopting.
And honestly, it's unorthodox, but if anyone can make it work, it's you guys.
You'll be great parents because you are great parents.
- The best.
- That's mighty sweet of you kids to say, but, um, there is no way in hell - we're adopting a kid now.
- No! - Not on my watch.
- Whoo! Dodged a bullet on that one.
Right, papa? - Yes, sir.
- Wow.
So seeing Little Eddie in the lobby actually reminded you guys how hard it is to raise kids.
No, actually seeing you two in the lobby trying to steal Little Eddie reminded us how hard it is to have kids.
Yeah, and clearly we are not finished raising you two dumbasses.
Yeah.
I think what Big David and I are really trying to say is that you two will always be our babies.
- Aw! - Aw! Then brush my hair and make me chocolate chip Penny-cakes.
And tickle my back until I coo and coo.
- Brush the hair of a beautiful, beautiful princess.
- Tickle your tummy, huh?