Hot In Cleveland s03e22 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, bidding on abandoned storage units.
We've come a long way from Rodeo Drive.
I hope they start soon.
This place smells like worn-out mattresses.
Oh, you must feel right at home.
Oh, my God.
It is you.
Can I have your autograph? I can't go anywhere.
- Sure.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
Victoria Chase.
Oh, I was hoping you'd sign it for Mrs.
Ladypants.
You know, like the commercial where you go in your pants, but you're happy about it? Oh, dear God.
Uh, I take it you've been in Japan.
No, it's on TV here.
- What? - Yeah.
My kids love it.
They laugh.
They're like, "that lady's wearing diapers!" Uh-- they are not diapers.
They are stylish pants for women on the go who can't stop to go.
I love it when you say that.
This is a disaster.
Those commercials were never supposed to air in the U.
S.
Oh, come on, Victoria.
You gotta have a sense of humor about this.
A dry sense of humor.
All right, folks.
It's auction time.
We're gonna open the doors and give you a few seconds to look around.
All right, you can't go inside.
You can't open any boxes.
And whosever got the most money today can certainly own it.
Are you ready? We know how it works, haircut.
All right, boys and girls, we're gonna start the bidding off low and slow.
And how 'bout starting that one off at about 20 bucks on this one? What about 20? Now 25, now 25, what about 25? in the track suit.
Do I hear 30? Oh, wow, look at that painting.
Kind of looks like a Monet.
I think you're right.
Hey, if I found a famous painting, then the media would be all over it, right? And then my whole Ladypants thing would be forgotten.
But I gotta play it cool.
$3,000! What are you doing? Somebody's got Ladypants money.
No, I'm afraid this isn't a Monet.
Although the artist's signature looks French, so it could be worth some "moh-nay".
Sorry.
It's hot in here.
What's this? Oh, that's a CB radio, good buddy.
For some reason, everyone in the '70s wanted to talk to truckers.
Oh, now we're talking.
Look at this ugly-ass thing.
Why on earth would you want a half-knitted sweater? Every year, the senior center has a contest for the most ugly-ass Christmas sweater.
Oh, my God.
A Mark Jordan bust developer.
I had one of those.
Oh, God, I wanted boobs so badly in high school.
I thought everything would be perfect as soon as I got them.
I thought that too.
And I was right.
Breaker, breaker.
This is Candy Cane from the Big Dirty.
Come on back.
Oh, good lord.
You're missing the beauty of this.
Which is? You're anonymous.
You can pretend to be anybody you want to be.
So who's Candy Cane? I'm a saucy little redhead who does tasteful soft-core porn Uh, from a lady's point of view.
Well, um, I've always wondered what my life would've been like if I'd stayed in college.
I had a certain facility for mathematics-- logarithms, statistical analysis, number theory.
You know, like in A Beautiful Mind.
Snore.
These truckers aren't interested in beautiful minds.
You need something visual.
How can you even call yourself a fine art appraiser? Yeah, well, I know art, because I played a blocked artist in the Lifetime Original Movie The Empty Paintbrush.
Yes, yes, I am Victoria Chase.
I-- no, I am not going right now.
The appraiser says that the painting is worthless, much like my reputation as a serious actress.
Now what am I gonna do? Wait.
Look at this.
There's something behind the frame.
It's an old envelope.
Maybe we stumbled on a mystery.
I love mysteries.
Didn't you just love Nancy Drew? I wanted to drive around in a red Roadster with my boyfriend, Ned Nickerson.
Although he didn't really seem that into Nancy, did he? Come to think of it, he was probably gay, wasn't he? Now, that's the mystery she should've solved.
Will you give me that? All right, it's to a William Herndon from A.
Lincoln, Washington, D.
C.
Oh, my G-- that's president Lincoln! Well, it says "A" Lincoln.
We don't know if it's "the" Lincoln.
Honey, who else could it be? Look, the postmark.
It's 1862.
This is an undiscovered letter from Abraham Lincoln.
Oh! Do you realize what this means, Melanie? This will eclipse that humiliating commercial.
Oh, Lincoln has released me from the shackles of Mrs.
Ladypants.
I am free at last.
We must, we must, we must increase our bust.
The bigger, the better, the tighter the sweater.
The boys depend on us.
Hey, anybody out there? Um, breakity-break? Come on back.
This is Kerouac Cowboy.
Hello, Kerouac Cowboy.
Kerouac like the writer? I'm a fan.
And who's this? This is English Rose.
Ah, like the Yeats poem, "Red Rose, proud Rose, sad Rose of all my days.
" Oh, I love Yeats.
But I'm not a red Rose.
I'm a brunette.
Me too.
And just to prolong the metaphor, I'm long-stemmed.
Meaning tall.
Oh.
Me too.
And I also Have really large breasts.
Crazy large.
Hello? Kerouac Cowboy? Uh, I'm here.
I'm sorry, I'm just letting you know because some guys don't like large breasts, which is too bad, because I have 'em.
Big time.
Well, you're in luck.
I know a guy who loves 'em.
Hang on, he's right here.
Hellooo.
Oh, can't we take a peek inside? No.
We have to wait for the Lincoln expert from the university to get here.
He'll know what to do.
Well, we don't need a Lincoln expert to see that we've entered the reconstruction era.
Oh, it's just a water bra.
I picked a few up at the mall.
I said they were for a friend, but I wore one out of the store, so I think they knew I was lying.
Is this related to your CB buddy? Well, yes.
The whole thing got me thinking about how it would feel if I really looked like the person I was depicting.
So far these "D"s get an "A".
They got me out of a ticket today.
Yeah, but don't you usually get out of tickets? Yes, but this was for speeding and a broken tail light.
Nothing like headlights to get out of a broken tail light.
Ah, boobs are making me wittier, too.
No, boobs only make you wittier to men.
They sure do.
The guys at the auto shop said I was as funny as Scarlett Johansson.
Yeah, I don't think of Scarlett Johansson as funny.
No.
She's not.
But she's hot, and they compared me to her, so I'm happy.
Oh, good.
There's our Lincoln expert.
Artie, what are you doing here? Arthur Firestone, Adjunct Professor, Case Western University, at your service.
Oh, no.
You're the Lincoln expert? I was once a promising graduate student, until my break with reality, which we're all aware of.
But now, thanks to powerful medicines, I am back in academia, with all the cafeteria privileges that implies.
Joy.
There's something different about you.
Have you gotten funnier? Yes.
Thanks for noticing.
Can we get to my letter, please? As you wish.
Ah, dear Abraham, we meet again.
Huh.
I-I'm too nervous to do this.
Oh, give me that.
Uh, Washington, D.
C.
, April 16, 1862.
"My dear William, how are things back home?" Uh, blah blah blah North, blah blah blah South.
UhOh, here's something.
"I have a vexing dilemma of a personal nature.
"There is a young woman working here, "taking a year off "from the Illinois School for the Female, "with whom I have, "to put it in the most direct terms possible, had relations with.
" Oh, my God! Lincoln had an affair with an intern! - Not possible.
- Really? I don't know a lot about American history, but can you even get elected if you're not a horny bastard? This is huge.
This could be in every history book from this day forward.
That's right.
And I'll be the media darling who released it.
Good-bye, Mrs.
Ladypants.
We are the knights who say, "ni!" You must bring us a shrubbery.
Wow, a sexy girl who can quote Monty Python.
You should ride with me sometime, English Rose.
Oh, I'd love that.
Wow.
What? Oh, I-I'm just touching my breasts.
Wow, they're so soft.
I can't stop playing with them.
Hello? Hello? Kerouac Cowboy? Come on back! Breaker, breaker, looking for the Kerouac Cowboy.
Come on back.
He's not answering.
How does this car info thing work? Stop poking my new car.
What are you trying to find out? How much farther it is to the truck stop he was passing when he crashed.
Entune, find the Buckeye Trucker Cafe.
It says our destination is in 0.
8 miles.
Wow, that's amazing.
Entune, is the Kerouac Cowboy my destiny? It's not a magic 8 ball.
It just finds things you need.
"The nearest psychiatric facility is in 20 miles.
" See? We just passed the cafe.
And there's the truck.
Doesn't look too bad.
Oh, I guess I'm actually going to meet him.
I'm nervous.
How do I look? Like an idiot.
Take that bra off.
You don't need it.
But I want to appear as advertised.
Don't sell yourself short.
You're gorgeous just the way you are.
Wow.
Thanks, Elka.
I know you pretend not to like me, but deep down, you really do.
Oh, yeah--oh.
Oh, my God, Elka! What did you do to me? I didn't ask you to hug me, you bony nitwit.
Here.
What do I do? Maybe he won't notice.
Excuse me! Kerouac Cowboy? English Rose? Is that you? Yes.
I was worried.
Are you all right? Oh, just some damage to the truck.
My CB went out.
Sorry about that.
Wow.
You look just like I pictured.
So do you.
Wow.
You really do.
You sound surprised.
Well, I've been told a lot of people exaggerate on the CB.
Which is so okay to do and actually expected and applauded.
You're funny.
Like Scarlett Johansson.
I get that a lot.
You've, uh, got a thread.
May I? What the hell? I'm sorry.
I was just trying to live up to my description.
Really? I crashed my truck for breasts made of yarn.
Well, only one is made of yarn.
The other's made of water.
I'm not as funny now, am I? I feel as fresh as Mount Fuji.
For relaxing times, make it Ladypant time.
Ozawa Industrial Brothers, you are the friend in my pants.
I'm going right now.
This is why I have to release the letter.
I can't let this be what people remember me for.
Granted, it's embarrassing.
But don't you see? You're doing to Lincoln what Ladypants is doing to you.
You're ladypants-ing Lincoln.
Yeah, but he won't mind.
He's dead.
And as Lincoln himself said, "life is for the living.
" I don't think Lincoln said that.
Oh, everyone said that at some point.
I'm sure he did too.
But your life isn't over.
You still have time to do great things that will overshadow that commercial.
Do not sell yourself short.
It's just a commercial.
It doesn't define you.
Oh, yeah? Well, tell that to Mr.
whipple and the "Where's the beef?" lady and the Tidy Bowl man.
You know the actor in that boat graduated from Juilliard.
Really? Oh, how should I know? I'm sorry I lied.
I know it's silly, but ever since high school, I thought that bigger boobs were the thing that would make my life perfect.
Yeah, I don't know.
Girls I knew in high school with boobs that big just ended up getting knocked up.
I did get knocked up in high school.
See? Didn't need the boobs.
Still don't.
I would've run off the road for those legs.
Those are real, right? One of them.
I'm kidding.
Oh, it's so crazy.
I wore this thing all day and strutted around with so much confidence.
I walked into an auto shop like I owned the place and talked to you on the CB like I'd had three vodkas, when I'd only had two.
You know, it was that confidence that kept me talking to you for three hours.
So I guess what you're saying is, the boobs gave me confidence, but the boobs were inside me all along.
You are full of interesting imagery.
So what do we do now? Well, how about dinner sometime? Sure.
When? Next October.
In October? Well, that's the next time I'm gonna be rolling through Cleveland.
But we do have a few hours of moonlight left tonight.
I'll drink to that.
I forgot.
I left a 90-year-old woman in the car.
Really? Should you be sitting here drinking beer with me? I cracked a window.
So you couldn't talk Victoria out of it? No.
But you know what? Maybe there's another way to look at it.
Maybe history just needs to be the truth, warts and all.
But we need our heroes.
When people in Washington don't live up to our expectations, we have Lincoln to look up to.
All that would be gone.
Well said, Artie.
You know, your love of Lincoln is inspiring.
I'd like to come sit in on some of your lectures.
Sometimes I like to go to the Lincoln Memorial and climb up on his lap and pretend I'm a baby.
Or I could just read a book.
Excuse me, I'm Lauren Barry from 60 Minutes.
Oh, hi, I'm Melanie Moretti.
This is Professor Firestone.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry I'm late.
I'm Victoria Chase.
Oh, that Victoria Chase.
I didn't put two and two together.
You're Mrs.
Ladypants.
My three-year-old runs around saying, "I love freshness of crotch.
" Sounds like a delightful child.
I'm sorry.
Did I say something wrong? Oh, it's just that I have been an actress for 35 years, and it's frustrating that all the good work I've done has been obliterated by this one embarrassing thing.
You see, I didn't know they were going to air it in the United States.
Well, that's a shame.
Unfortunately, once it's out there, it's out there.
Hm.
That's true, isn't it? And speaking of getting things out there, I'm dying see the letter, the Lincoln myth shattered.
This is explosive stuff.
Uh, look.
I-I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I'm afraid I have terrible news.
Uh, the letter is gone.
What? I'm a little confused here.
What's going on? Well, the letter got in with a load of whites that I was doing, and now it's nothing more than a little laundry ball of 150-year-old paper.
Seriously? We can't go through with the story with no evidence.
Oh, I understand.
I am a newswoman as well.
You're a newswoman, and they let you do those diaper commercials? Well, Leslie Stahl does those metamucil commercials.
- Really? - Well, how should I know? Why don't you ask your three-year-old? Good-bye, Lauren.
Here, Artie.
Do with it as you will.
Oh! I knew it! I got suspicious when you said you did laundry.
I totally improv-ed that whole thing about the whites.
I mean, you were right, Melanie.
I was ladypants-ing Lincoln.
And unlike him, I do have time to change my story.
Besides, hasn't he suffered enough at the hands of actors? Neither of us finds that funny, Melanie.
Sorry.
It's hot in here.
Oh, now I get it.
You're as funny as Scarlett Johansson.
I have a major announcement.
I just received a text from my agent, and Lifetime is eager to hear my pitch for the Lifetime Original Movie, Abe And The Babe A fictional account of America's first intern scandal.
And I'm attached as the seductive 19-year-old intern.
Well, people aged differently then.
- That's great.
- Congratulations.
Thank you.
And see? I was right.
Your story does have more chapters.
And you were right as well, old one.
After dinner, I'm returning the water bras I bought.
Oh, Joy, are you speeding again? No, I'm not doing anything.
Actually, they're after me.
What? Why? Well, I'm still kind of test-driving this Prius.
You've had it for a week.
That's not a test-drive.
I'm gonna buy it.
I'm driving a stolen car? Just be cool.
Slap on one of those water bras.
You're the one who told me I didn't need the bra.
For dating.
This is grand theft auto.
Slap on the bra.