I Love Lucy (1951) s03e22 Episode Script

(I Love Lucy theme music playing) Here.
Thanks.
Oh, the opera opened last night.
Will you look at that.
The lobby looks like a field of waving mink.
Gee, and all the parties they went to afterward- Gosh, I bet they had a good time.
Lucy Huh? Why do you envy those people? I don't envy them.
I just wish I could dress like them and live the way they do, that's all.
Honey, the only way to be real happy is to be satisfied with what you got.
Oh? What have I got? Me.
My cup runneth over.
Well! Thank you.
Oh, no.
What happened? "Cynthia Harcourt just got back from Europe and is in town on a charity drive.
" So? What's that to you? Oh, I went to school with her.
Oh.
She had nothing but money, and she married money.
Seemed like such a waste to me.
Money always marries money.
Yeah.
Why doesn't money ever marry broke? Who knows? Well, if she's on a charity drive, I just won't answer the phone for a few days.
She always calls up all the girls she went to school with and asks for contributions, you know.
So let her call.
She knows you're not wealthy.
Well, I don't know.
Cynthia, somehow, has gotten the impression that you lead a band just for a hobby.
And where, pray say, did she get this impression? From the same person that told her that you really own a big sugar plantation in Cuba.
Who is that? Someone we all know and love who ought to keep her big mouth shut.
Now you see what I mean? You were envious of somebody.
You tried to be something that you weren't and now you're in trouble.
You're right, Ricky.
I'm never gonna be envious of anyone again.
Good.
What if I'm not sitting in the lap of luxury? I'm happy where I am- on the bony knees of nothing.
I like bony knees.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Lucy, darling, this is Cynthia, Cynthia Harcourt.
Cynthia, dear.
Oh, darling, it's so nice to speak to you again.
I can't believe I'm here.
You know, only last night I was in Paris.
Oh? Oh, Paris! Give me Paris in the springtime.
Isn't that the way you feel, dear? Oh, oui, oui.
Oh! Vous parlez francais? Huh? Parlez-vous francais? How's that again? Do you speak French? Oh, yes.
Fluently.
Oh, Lucy, you're so droll.
(Lucy laughing) Well, tell me, dear.
You know, we're staying in a hotel now, but Cyrus is thinking of moving to New York and I was wondering- how's the servant problem? The servant problem? Yes.
Oh, frightful, darling.
I just don't know what to do about it.
Well, do you think that I could get by with a staff of ten? Oh, yes, I think you can get by with a staff of ten.
Well, how many do you have? Me? Oh, I have, uh Well, do you have more than ten? Well, uh frankly, Cynthia.
I think that you should know we live a very simple life.
We have a tiny little place.
We're just normal, average people.
Oh.
I'm going over to see Fred.
Okay, dear.
Well, how many do you have? Eight.
Oh.
My, you must have a tiny place.
Well, uh, dear, this nasty, old money business- you know I really hate it, but I'm chairman of the charity drive this year, and I was wondering how much I could count on you for? Well, Cynthia, I've given to so many charitable things this year I've practically nothing left.
Oh, Lucy, darling, I'd hate to print your name in the book and put a zero after it.
Yes.
I'm sure you would, dear.
Well, surely you can scrape a few dollars together, like your classmates did.
Anita gave seven, Adelle gave six and Hazel gave eight.
Oh, I had no idea that such a sniggly little bit would count.
Oh, certainly, darling, everything counts.
Oh, well, put me down for five.
Wonderful! Should I pop over and pick it up? Uh, no.
No.
I'm going shopping today.
I'd be glad to drop it by.
Oh, fine.
Wonderful.
I'll see you then, dear.
All right.
Where are you staying, Cynthia? Cynthia? Oh, darn it.
What's the matter? Oh that was an old schoolmate of mine, Cynthia Harcourt, and she's here on a charit The Cynthia Harcourt? Yeah.
Did you go to school with her? Yeah, and she's in town on a charity drive.
I promised to drop a check but I don't know where she's staying.
Well, it told all about it in the society column this morning.
I was reading it.
That's right.
I forgot.
Yeah.
She has a penthouse at the Waldorf.
Oh, gee.
I've always wanted to see what a penthouse looked like.
Want to go with me? Can I? Sure.
Oh, boy, yes.
Imagine me in high society.
Hi.
(loftily): Oh, Frederic, darling, If you're looking for me this afternoon, I shan't be home.
I'll be at the penthouse at the Waldorf.
Well, she finally flipped.
She did not.
She's going with me to see an old schoolmate who put the bite on me for a charity drive.
Lucy? Yeah? How much did she bit you for? Five measly dollars.
I'm taking her a check.
Why don't you mail it to her? Oh, because I want to see her penthouse.
I bet it's just fabulous.
There you go again- wanting something that you haven't got.
I do not.
I just want to see what it is I haven't got that I don't want.
Okay, old man, we're going to go for a nice walk.
It's a beautiful day.
Say good-bye to Mommy.
Bye-bye, darling.
Give me a kiss.
You be a good boy, now.
Now, honey, remember- no hot dogs no peanuts, no popcorn.
All right, how about a glass of beer? Oh! Come on, now, you keep him bundled up, too.
I think it might rain today, dear.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, now, be careful with him.
I will.
Oh, hi, honey.
You going out? Yeah.
He's going for a walk.
Come on, Fred, you want to walk with us, man? Okay.
Come on, champ.
Come on, we'll take you.
Now, honey, keep him bundled up.
All right, Mother, all right.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye, darling.
Come on.
Are you ready? Yeah, just about.
I got the check all made out here.
I got to take one last look and see if I'm all right.
I put this flower on my hat.
Do you think it's okay? ETHEL: Oh, I think you look great.
All right.
You didn't say anything about how I look.
Lucy, darling! Oh! Cynthia! Oh, Cynthia, uh Uh, Ethel, this is Cynthia Harcourt.
This is Ethel Mertz.
Oh.
Charmed.
Ooh, likewise.
Well, you know, darling, I realized after I spoke with you on the phone that I hadn't told you where we were staying.
So I thought I'd just pop over myself.
Oh, well, I'm awfully glad you did, Cynthia.
You'll have to forgive the way the place looks.
I well, I-I just flew into a nasty rage this morning and fired all the servants.
Didn't I, Ethel.
All of 'em.
You know, dear, I've been thinking.
Really, maybe I shouldn't have phoned you to ask you for money.
I mean, you know with the tiny, little place you have here and being a bandleader's wife and all, maybe you can't afford it.
Oh, nonsense, Cynthia.
This dump is just a place for Ricky to hang his clothes.
We spend most of our time in the country.
Oh, this is your town house? Well, it's really our town closet.
Yes.
We have a beautiful summer place- a big mansion, stables, and swimming pool.
And tennis courts.
Oh, delightful sounds like our summer place.
Where's yours? Um where's yours? Bucks County.
Oh, ours is in Westchester.
Oh, wonderful.
We must come and visit you soon.
Oh, well, that would be lovely, Cynthia, except that we don't expect to spend much time there this season.
You're going to Florida.
Why not? Well, so are we.
Oh.
Where do you go in Florida? Miami or West Palm Beach? Uh, you go West Palm Beach, huh? Miami.
Oh, we go West Palm Beach.
But, darling, the harbor's so small there.
What do you do with your yacht? To make it fit, we crank down the smokestack and squeeze in the poop deck.
Oh, Lucy, you are droll.
Oh, droll is the word.
Well, really, I hate to be crass but I suppose we should get down to business.
Oh, yes.
Do sit down, Cynthia.
Thank you.
Now, I'll get out my little book here.
Now, let me see.
Yes "Lucille McGillicuddy Ricardo.
" Now, you said on the phone you were going to give five.
Is that right? That's right.
You can put me down for five, too.
Oh, marvelous, Mrs.
Hertz.
Thank you.
It's Mertz.
You spell it with an "M.
" Oh? Oh, thank you.
"Mrs.
Mertz- five hundred " LUCY: Uh Oh, uh Cynthia W- W-We didn't really mean 500.
Five thousand? Oh, no.
Well, you you certainly couldn't have meant five dollars.
Oh, no.
Well, what did you mean? I I guess we meant 500.
Well, are you going to give me your check now, dear? Oh, uh, no.
No.
I'll have to send you the check.
My business manager makes out all my checks.
Oh, fine.
Well, I'm at the Waldorf.
Yes.
Your check, Mrs.
Mertz? Oh, her business manager makes out all my checks, too.
Oh? I just love his handwriting.
Oh, well very well.
I'll hear from you then.
Oh, yes, Cynthia.
Yes.
I'm so glad that you came by, dear.
It's wonderful seeing you again.
Good-bye.
(gasping) $500 each! Hi.
How'd you do? All I could find was 76 cents in one of Fred's old coats.
What are you doing? I'm checking the local branch of the first national couch.
You find anything? and an old piece of Christmas candy.
Not much of a start toward $1,000, is it? No.
I even opened the baby's piggy bank.
What'd you find? Three IOUs from Ricky.
Oh, fine.
Well, we better just send her our checks for five dollars and forget about it.
Forget about it? Do you want your name in that little book with "five dollars" printed after it? Why not? For me that's good.
Well, for me it isn't.
All the girls I went to school with will see that book and I told them all that Ricky's loaded.
I just got to get my hands on $500.
Hey- would you be willing to work for it? Sure.
Well, Billboard always has a lot of ads in it wanting people for different things.
Let's see if there's anything in here we could do.
Here.
Hey, there's something you could do.
Oh, no, you don't.
Not even for sweet charity am I going to box three rounds with a kangaroo.
Let me take that.
(sighing) "Need two girls with courage "for publicity stunt.
High pay for right parties.
" Ah, no.
What's the matter, haven't you got courage? Yeah, I got courage, but it says they need girls.
Well, we're girls.
We are? If you divide everybody into boys and girls, we're girls.
I never thought about it like that.
I'm going to call up and find out about this ad.
Okay.
This might be something we could do.
Courage for what, I wonder.
Hello? Hello.
I'm calling about your ad in Billboard- "two girls with courage.
" Yes, sir.
Oh, yes.
Yes, we can keep a secret.
Oh, plenty of courage.
Yes, sir.
All right.
All right, sir.
Well? He's coming right over.
(door buzzer) Hello.
Hi.
Al Sparks is the name.
Oh.
Well, where are the girls? We're the girls.
Oh.
Yes, this is Ethel Mertz.
I'm Lucy Ricardo.
How do you do.
Won't you sit down? Yeah Yeah, I, uh I guess you'll do.
I guess it doesn't make any difference as long as you're coming from Mars.
Mars?! Yeah.
So long, Lucy.
Ethel.
Did you say "coming from Mars"? Yeah, that's right.
You see, tomorrow night, my studio is having a premiere of a new picture- Women From Mars.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Well, tomorrow afternoon, two Martian women are going to land in New York, abduct an earthman, and disappear.
Now, that's where you come in.
That's where I go out.
Ethel, now sit down.
Now, don't worry.
I got every angle figured.
Well, tell it to her.
Ethel, honey, you've got to do this with me.
No.
Think of my reputation.
No.
There's 500 bucks in it for each of you.
Okay.
What do we do? Now, here's the way I got it figured.
The first thing we do is sneak up to the top of the Empire State Building.
The top of the Empire State Building?! Well, Martha, we finally made it.
Oh, yes, Henry- the top of the Empire State Building.
You know, Martha, this is the tallest building in the world.
Henry, give me a dime.
All right.
Just a minute.
There you are, dear.
Oh, I can't find it.
Well, what are you looking for, Martha? Wichita.
Oh, Martha.
Anybody knows Wichita is over that way.
Oh.
Now point it up.
See anything? No.
A little higher.
Look.
See? Seen any flying saucers yet? Flying saucers? You don't mean there really are such things? Well, I don't know.
There've been a lot of rumors lately.
People think spaceships are coming down from Mars and landing on Earth.
Oh, nonsense.
What's the matter? Thought I saw something flash by just now.
It was probably nothing.
Look through there.
See if you can see anything.
Little lower.
Little lower.
SPARKS: That may not be smoke.
Look right through there, look.
I don't see anything either.
SPARKS: Well, I think I saw one.
Look right through here, Martha.
Right out through here.
Little higher.
No, it's a little lower, a little lower than that.
I can't see a thing.
You can't? MAN: I don't think there's anything up there, really I don't.
Certainly looked like I saw something.
(speaking gibberish) (laughing) (speaking gibberish) What are they? Th-th-they look like women from Mars.
(chattering) (laughing and chattering) (screams) Now, now, let's not get hysterical.
Maybe we can talk to them.
Pardon me.
Are are you from Mars? (speaking gibberish) Just a minute.
Anybody ready to go down? Me? Watch out! That's a paralyzing ray.
(laughing) Hey, Rick, where are the girls? I don't know.
When I got home, Mrs.
Trumbull was with the baby.
What's the matter? We're being invaded from outer space.
What? It's on every radio and television.
A flying saucer landed on the Empire State Building.
earthman.
I think you've been working too hard.
Come on, come on.
Let's go up on the roof and protect our home and loved ones.
I'll go get Little Ricky.
He's never seen a flying saucer before.
And bring your binoculars.
Bring the binoculars.
Now, come on.
Yes, sir.
Come on.
Right away.
(chuckling): Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Hey, Little Ricky, you want to go and see some flying saucers? All right, girls I'm going to get right out of here.
Here you are, here's your money.
$500 apiece.
Thank you very much.
Okay, I haven't got time to wait for you to change, so I'll pick the uniforms up later.
Okay.
You were great.
Bye.
Bye.
(both laughing) (speaking gibberish) Sechs, sieben, acht, neun.
How are things on Mars? Very wealthy.
Change? Change.
(speaking gibberish) "New York invaded by Martian women.
"Hordes of invaders also seen in New Jersey and Connecticut.
" One man in Connecticut saw 20 of us.
(laughing) Oh, look at those headlines.
Lucy? What? You don't suppose this is all a horrible coincidence, do you? What do you mean? Well, all that Martian talk- people thinking they've seen Martians.
You don't suppose some real Martians decided to come down on Earth at the same time we pulled this stunt, do you? Oh, that's silly isn't it? I don't know.
I just wish Fred was home.
Gee, I wish Ricky was home, too.
Oh, why did you have to say all that? Now I got a spooky feeling about everything.
Well, all those Oh, dear.
(thumping and squealing) What's that? What's that? I don't know.
(thumping and squealing continues) That's a horrible noise.
(noise stops) (both screaming) Call the police.
(screaming) Get the police.
We can't call the police.
Oh, no.
We'd have to tell them the whole story.
We can't tell anyone about this.
" and so, it's been firmly established "that most of the reports "were the result of mass hysteria.
"The only Martians anyone saw "were two on top of the Empire State Building, "and it is suspected "that they might have had something to do "with the opening tomorrow of a motion picture "entitled Women From Mars.
"So everybody relax.
There has been no invasion by Martians.
" FRED: Mm-hmm.
Well, I don't know.
Well, why do you say that, honey? Well, I've just got a funny feeling.
Listen, by the way, you haven't said much about this.
Where were you when all this excitement happened? Oh, we-we-we were out shopping and we didn't hear anything about it until we got home, did we, Ethel? No, no, we didn't hear anything about it.
Oh.
Well, dinner's ready.
Yes, sir.
It looks good Fine.
Looks good.
I hope that meat is cooked the way you like it, Fred.
It looks delicious, Lucy.
Looks delicious.
I kind of like to do things the way you like them, you know.
You're a good cook.
You're the champion hostess.
(speaking gibberish) (I Love Lucy theme music playing) ANNOUNCER: The part of Cynthia Harcourt was played by Mary Jane Croft.
Al Sparks was Herb Vigren.
The couple on the roof were Dick Elliot and Kaye Wiley.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.