In Living Color (1990) s03e22 Episode Script

[Big Band.]
Do you enjoy the fabulous resort cities? Atlantic City, Las Vegas, Reno, Lake Tahoe? Do you have as much free time as I do? Then what are you waiting on? Get yourself a Player's Club.
You'll receive up to 110% off on shows, rooms and meals.
With the Player's Club, you'll get VI P treatment, baby.
I'll have a suite with a heart-shaped bed.
I'm sorry, we.
.
.
[Grunts.]
- [Rings.]
- Bellboy.
And with the Club, there's no problem gettin' good seats.
- Tony, can you fit me in? - No, man, I'm.
.
.
Bingo.
Front row.
Use the Player's Club in casinos, banks.
.
.
or anywhere else you want to throw your weight around.
The Player's Club.
.
.
It's a moocher's dream.
- [Ringing.]
- I won, I won, I won! - I won! - Well, let me help you count it.
Who clubs ya, baby? Twenty, 40, 60, and one for you.
Twenty.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go Well, Mr.
Prime Minister, I'd like to apologize again for getting sick in Japan.
One minute, I felt great.
The next minute, I was spewin' sashimi.
Don't worry.
Japanese food take time getting used to.
I only hope I do as well with American food.
- I hope so too.
- Hey, there, sugar dumplings.
How y'all doing? How can Mama help you? Well, I know that we'd all like something filling.
Chili, pick it up.
Well, that depends on how hungry you are.
Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
Oh, that's Combination Plate Number Five.
Mr.
Ed.
Pick it up.
I can bust a pimple with my butt cheeks.
[Chuckles.]
- I think we'd like to try some, uh, soul food.
- [Woman.]
Oh, yes.
- Sound good? - Uh-huh.
All right.
Prime Minister, would you like to take a shot at the order? Uh, do you have black-eyed pea? Oh, not since I stopped drinking that cranberry juice.
It cleared up right after that.
Hey, you look familiar.
Is you famous? Well, I suppose you could say that.
Oh, I knew it.
I see your face all over the place.
- Really? - Yeah, on that oatmeal box.
You're Quaker Oats.
Hey, Francis.
We got ourselves a celebrity in the house.
Oh.
Lord have mercy.
Ain't that nice? Last time we had somebody famous.
.
.
was when that little Gary Coleman ran off without paying his check.
Ask her if she know Uncle Ben.
I seen Oprah's booty.
Who said he wanted okra? Pick it up.
Actually, I am Barbara Bush and this is my husband, President George Bush.
- Hi, everyone.
- Oh.
Hey, President.
Well, what brings you down here? Well, I just think it's a good idea to get in touch.
.
.
with all the little points of light.
You can't serve the country unless you know what the country wants.
I'll tell you what the country wants.
Stop messin' with the blacks and give us a break on tax.
Stop hoggin' up all the wealth and give us a cut on health.
Stop flyin' all around and keep your ass in town.
You don't like that, you can kiss my butt.
That's my advice.
Now pick it up.
I hate to say, but I told you so.
[Chuckling.]
Enough talk.
Let's just do the ordering, okay? All right, Mama.
Tell you what, everything looks just fabulous.
Uh, why don't you surprise us? Okay, dumpling.
We got three surprises, coming up.
- Uh, three surprises.
- Uh, three surprises.
Uh, pick it up.
Pick it up.
Pick it up.
Okay, now why don't you move on out of my way or Mama's gonna have to spank you.
- What you.
.
.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
Cease fire.
Cease fire.
- Don't make Mama have to hurt you.
- Cease fire.
I take back what I said.
Americans not lazy at all.
He work very hard.
Hate to say I told you so.
[Chuckles.]
- Here you go, babies.
- Oh, my goodness.
Now what's this? That's gumbo.
Got a little bit of everything in it.
Lovely.
Do you serve crackers? Oh, baby, we serve anybody here.
That's right.
No, I mean, do you serve salted crackers? Oh, yes I do.
Here you go.
There you go, baby.
- Would you like some sardines with that? - Oh, no.
No.
That's fine.
This will be perfect.
Oh.
Shall we, uh.
.
.
Shall we give it a try? - You know, this isn't bad.
- It tastes like miso soup.
Mine's delicious.
I'm, uh.
.
.
Hmm, that's strange.
Kind of a grainy consistency.
Seems to be something floating around.
.
.
Oh, my goodness.
I think I just swallowed something foul.
- Mama.
- Yeah, baby? I think there's something in the soup.
Oh, let me see.
Oh, Francis, I found your breast implant.
Look at that.
I thought that was gone for sure.
Oh, God.
I feel awful.
Waffle.
Pick it up.
I think I'm gonna.
.
.
regurgitate.
Burger plate.
Pick it up.
Read my lips.
- [Vomiting.]
- Oh, George, not again.
Bag of chips.
Pick it up.
- [Vomiting.]
- I haven't seen George this sick since our honeymoon.
He look like Mt.
Pinatubo.
Don't think just cause you didn't digest it.
.
.
that you ain't got to pay for it.
What is.
.
.
Luther! Luther, get a bucket! This thing is runnin' all over the place.
I ain't gonna wipe no vomit off his face.
Buckwheat was a genius.
Hello, everyone.
May I have your attention please? I would like to thank you for coming.
.
.
and welcome you to my exhibit entitled September Feelings.
The first painting I would like to draw your attention to.
.
.
is one I am very proud of.
And I call it Sun on my Shoulders.
[Whistle Blowing.]
Look away, people! It's not too late! It's just a bad dream, kids, and I am your wake-up call.
Shield your eyes from this vulgarity.
It's time to act up.
How did you get in here, you crazy person? Security! You just don't understand.
What's the matter with you? It's only a painting.
Only a painting? Smoke screen, smoke screen, so the truth cannot be seen! Let's look at it from a little different perspective, shall we? Give it a little twist, and bingo, it's a big old tush.
This is not Sun on my Shoulder.
It's moon in your face.
If you don't mind, we'd just like to see the exhibit.
Well.
Isn't that makeup on your face very interesting? Was it tested on little animals, little defenseless ones in cages? This mean anything to you? "Ow, ow, ow!" Huh? Maybe somewhere there's a hamster, you know, with purple eye shadow.
.
.
suffering and choking and falling off his wheel.
.
.
so you can look like Cleopatra, vivisectionist.
I swear, I am going to wake these people up today.
.
.
or my name isn't Kirt Sinjin.
This is intriguing.
I believe the word is "evil," people.
Evil! This will come in real handy when they redecorate hell.
Can't you just feel the darkness, the dark forces working within it? It's enough to make a nun go bald.
This piece represents man's eternal quest.
.
.
to destroy the Alaskan king crab in its natural habitat.
Either that or it's just a big ugly eye and I hate it.
What are you doingto my painting? I'm giving it a sty.
Stop it, you idiot! Stop it! It took me four hours to create a great piece of art and you've ruined it.
I've seen better art in the bathroom at Sizzler, honey.
Cultural moron! I swear, I could just park my nails in your face right now.
Go ahead and try it.
I dare you.
And what is this supposed to be? - That's a light fixture.
- Shut up.
We're sending out the wrong signals, people.
What is this sculpture saying to the children? Is this what they have to measure up to? "Hey, kids.
You're nobody unless you're part of the hip-torso crowd.
" Next thing you know, they're lopping off their appendages.
Listen to me.
This cannot happen, people.
We are setting an impossible standard here.
Help me, please.
Someone reach out.
Danger, danger! Dr.
Smith, Dr.
Smith! I'm telling you for the last time.
Will you remove yourself.
.
.
from my beautiful sculpture and from this gallery? I'm not moving until this piece of dreck is destroyed.
Or at least till its doodle is covered.
Stop it! That is a beautiful piece of art.
I don't care what you think of me, handsome.
I have a quest.
Vanish! - What is this little display? - It's my lunch.
Well, nice use of color and composition.
What's inside? [Gasps.]
It's beef.
Somebody catch me.
Thanks a lot.
What am I, nuclear waste? Doesn't anybody care? You people are really something.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
But I am just not going to go away.
I am real, I am significant and I am going to make a difference.
Excuse me, does anybody belong to that moped out there? Yes.
Gets me from "A" to "B.
" So what? So somebody backed over it.
Sorry.
Well, why don't we just frame it and stick it on the wall? It'll be proof that I once existed.
They're trying to silence us, people.
It's time to act up.
[Blowing Whistle.]
Will you just get rid of him? I don't care how.
Excessive force! Excessive force! You're all witnesses! This is balderdash! It wasn't funny! All right, children.
Take your seats.
Come on.
Your teacher, Mrs.
Walker, won't be here today, but we have a treat for you.
- Yeah! - [Shouting.]
What is it? A very special substitute teacher.
So I want you all to be at your best behavior.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[All Yelling, Shouting.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
Sit down.
All right, childrens.
My name is Homey D.
Clown.
[All.]
Yeah! Here, Mr.
Clown.
It's an apple for you.
Oh, isn't that sweet? Look, childrens.
An apple for the teacher.
[Girl.]
Oh, that's nice.
In other words, you tryin' to win my affection and become the teacher's pet, ain't you? - Uh-huh.
- "Uh-huh.
" Okay, so what do y'all want to do first, little children? I know! I know what we can do, Mr.
Homey! - We could, uh, finger paint! - Yeah.
- Oh, y'all want to finger paint, huh? Come on.
- Yeah! - Let me show you how the Man finger paints.
Come here.
- Okay.
- Oh.
- There you go.
That's not very pretty.
Damn right, it ain't.
And by the looks of your face, neither is your mama.
Now sit down! Oh, oh.
Mr.
Homey.
M-Mr.
Homey.
Mr.
Homey.
I wanna be a fireman when I grow up.
Oh, man-man-man, that ain't nothing.
I wanna be a pilot when I grow up.
No, I'm gonna work for the government.
- You mean, like making laws? - Yeah.
- And handing out government cheese? - Yeah.
- And signing bills and raising Homey's taxes? - Yeah, yeah.
So once again Homey has to give up all the things he loves in life? Yeah.
I don't think so.
Just getting my licks in now before you sell out.
All right, enough of all the fun, childrens.
'Cause I'm about to explode with joy.
It's time for the reading lesson.
Let's start with the letter "A.
" [Girl.]
Oh, "A.
" "A" is for arrested.
Can anyone make a sentence with the word "arrested"? - Oh, oh, oh.
I can.
- Ah, ah, ah.
Go ahead.
Since you have so much "A" attitude, I think that Homey has been arrested before.
That's very good.
That takes us to the letter "B.
" "B" because you got such a smart mouth, I'm gonna bap you upside your damn head.
That takes us to the letter "C.
" "C" is for conspiracy.
Can anybody tell me what "conspiracy" is? Yeah, I can tell you.
My dad says "conspiracy" is just a word that black people use.
.
.
as an excuse for why they always get in so much trouble.
Thank you, brothers and sisters.
See, that takes us to the letter "D.
" And "D" is for your dumb-ass daddy.
This is for you.
And that's for your dumb-ass daddy.
I'll tell him when I get home.
Mr.
Homey.
Mr-Mr.
Homey.
- Mrs.
Walker don't teach us the alphabet that way.
- She sure don't.
- That's because Mrs.
Walker is "D" dead.
- [Girl.]
She is? Can anybody make a sentence with "dead"? - No.
! - [Sobbing.]
Okay, little childrens.
Let's play another game.
- Big kid, big kid, stand up and be my volunteer.
- Sure, Homey! Now, Homey has five dollars.
- [Woman.]
Wow.
! - If Billy took two, what would he have? Uh.
.
.
three dollars, Homey! No.
A size-12 clown shoe on your ass.
Give me my money back.
Now sit down.
Okay, it's time for Homey's sing-along.
- Repeat after me, will you? - Yeah.
- Yes.
- Homey's tired - Homey's tired - Of the man - Of the man - Always pulls him over - Always pulls him over Should run his white ass over 'Cause if I did, I'd go back on probation And then they'd put me away for some more time Take me away and lock me up And then do everything I don't want to do and I can stay in the cell with Bubba Come on, back me up, y'all.
[All Singing, Indistinct.]
And they'll pull him And then they'll rush over to the car They'll put you in jail and then youhave to be with a man named Bubba This ain't Star Search.
So, little childrens, what have we learned, if nothing else? [All.]
That Homey don't play that! Very good.
Now let's play hooky and get the hell out of here.
Yo.
Straight off the debut album A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing, here to perform "The Choice is Yours".
.
.
Please welcome Flavor Unit's latest addition, Black Sheep.
[Hip-hop.]
Yo, is In Living Color in the house? - [Man Rapping.]
- [Rapping.]
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