Last Man Standing s03e22 Episode Script

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, wow.
Hey.
Why are you guys so dressed up? Oh, we are taking Boyd to see his first Shakespeare play.
Oh, he's 7.
Pshh.
Isn't he a little young for "Hamlet"? Nope.
This version's cut down to 15 minutes, and everybody but Ophelia is played by a sock puppet.
He actually might be too old for this.
Well, dad's taking Boyd to the rodeo next week, and we are just trying to balance it out.
My prediction rodeo wins.
Yee-haw! Oh, my God! What happened, honey? I fell off my bike.
Are are you okay? - I thought I was.
- Oh I told him he was fine.
Don't give him any options.
Uh, how could he fall off his bike if it has training wheels, Mike? 'Cause I took them off.
If you're not falling, you're not learning.
Yeah, you know what else you're not doing? Falling.
Okay? Did you hit your head? No.
He hit his knee.
Did you hit your head? Okay.
Come on.
Let's go get you cleaned up.
There's nothing wrong with kids getting hurt.
That's why we had four daughters.
You had an older sister, but she just kept running around the house with scissors.
Okay, dad, we don't want Boyd taking any risks.
He's going through a clumsy phase.
If he doesn't try doing things he's bad at, he'll never be great at anything.
Ryan understands.
You're Canadian.
Hockey, bacon, Celine Dion.
Do you want me to keep going? 'Cause I will.
Actually, I do, 'cause I think that's it.
Here he is! Good as new.
And if any of his classmates ask, he got that fighting ninjas.
I think what we learned today is that someone shouldn't be riding their bike without their training wheels.
No, the headline here is, he got almost all the way down to Larabee's house without the training wheels.
- Really? He got that far? - Yeah.
You know, actually, I'm not surprised.
In college I used to ride a unicycle to class.
A lot of eyes on this guy.
I bet you sure miss clown college.
Uh, honey, we talked about this, okay? Boyd is just not ready.
You're probably right, mom.
I'm not ready.
Let's go see the sad play that I won't understand.
Dad, I need your word.
No more bike rides without training wheels.
- The only reason I'm do - No, Mike.
You know what? We've had our say.
And as usual, you have had both of our says.
Now it's time to let them go watch a tube sock contemplate suicide.
All right.
You have my word.
No more riding bikes without training wheels.
Well, does that look like fun? Do you want to do that? I sure do, Mr.
B.
Kyle.
I'm talking to the kid.
Right.
And the answer is? I got "x" equals -7.
Correct.
Five points for Gryffindor! Now I'll teach you guys a trick for multiplying factorials.
I need a visual aid.
Justin, can you grab us eight bottles of soda? Yeah, sure.
I'll be right back.
Thank you, Justin.
Oh, and, uh, one point for Slytherin.
Will you go to prom with me? What? No.
I have a boyfriend, and he's 20 feet away.
Yeah, I know.
I calculated.
I got about 12 seconds.
So, can I pick you up at like 6:00? I told you.
I'm not interested.
But look at how cute we'd be together.
Whoa.
Why are we in Paris? Why is the sky red? I factored in climate change.
The future's bleak.
That's why we should live in love now! Anyway, that's why you're left with the variable "y.
" Why, Eve? Why? I'm gonna get the door.
Did you ask Eve out again while I was in the kitchen? Why? Are you guys having problems? Hey.
Hey.
I'm here to get Boyd.
My dad took him to Outdoor Man.
I really wish Mike had told me that.
Yeah.
He was gonna call you, but then he thought, "eh.
" Wait.
They didn't take Boyd's bike, did they? No.
They drove.
It's like 10 Miles, dude.
What is he doing? Kristin's gonna kill me.
Eve! Eve! Andrew, what are you doing? Shh! Justin thinks I'm in the kitchen.
So, prom? What do you say? Hey, do you want anything? Andrew's in the kitchen.
He's holding on good.
Look at that.
See? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right.
Look.
He's popping back up and gettin' right back on.
You want to be just like him.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! That's not your sheep! Mutton head.
Get out of here.
All right.
You're up next, Boyd.
Good deal.
Just hold on.
Have some fun.
- Boyd.
- Hi, dad.
- What are you doing, Mike? - What do you mean, what am I doing? I promised no more bikes without training wheels.
I said nothing about robot sheep.
Okay, Boyd, come on down from there.
I don't want you to hurt yourself.
Kyle, don't take him down.
Kyle, take him down.
Awkward moment involving a sheep.
I've been here before.
See, you can't keep telling Boyd he's not good at things.
He's gonna start listening to you.
He's not as good as I am about tuning you out.
Dad, can I please try the sheep? Listen.
He rode a bike for almost half a block without the training wheels.
- Okay.
All right, fine.
- Yeah? But on the lowest setting, Kyle.
Look at that.
Huh? I'm doing it.
Whoops! Holy crap! Boyd, don't try to move! I'm okay.
But I guess you're right.
I am not good at this.
You can't stop life from knocking kids down.
The best we can do is help them to get back up.
You want to give it another try? There you go.
All right.
All right, hang on Boyd.
I'm cranking it all the way to "trot".
Look.
He's doing it.
Way to go, Boyd! Wave! That's probably not a good idea.
He'll no.
Oh! Sorry! Oh, my bad! Hop up.
Let's go, kid.
Come on.
This time, try to just squeeze your legs around the animal there.
All right.
There you go.
See that? H-hold on.
He's doing good.
Yeah, he is.
I-I try to get him to not give up on things, but Kristin's so stubborn.
So you just give up? Yeah.
Well, take a lesson from your kid.
Stick to your guns.
Or the u.
N.
Or whatever you liberals use to defend yourself.
- Wow, look at that.
- Huh? That kid's screwed on there like a tick.
The miracles of microengineering.
Oh, yeah.
You know, our store is sponsoring mutton busting at the rodeo this weekend.
Mm-hmm.
You know, uh, if Boyd can ride that lamb-droid, I bet he can ride the real thing.
Hmm? I would like to see him get a trophy.
Oh, he he's got plenty of trophies.
I'm not talking about the kind you get for just showing up.
I'm talking about the kind of trophy they give you when you're better at things than other people.
He does not have one of those.
Yeah, we could use a kid like Boyd.
Last year, the sheep were throwing kids off like like ticks shedding their their outer skin.
All right, it was tick week on the Discovery Channel.
Mike, I don't know about convincing Kristin.
A-a real sheep has got to be more dangerous than this one, right? No, no, no, no.
Only in one respect.
Ticks? Forget sharks.
Forget grizzly bears.
Ticks are the perfect killing machine.
- Are they really? - Uh-huh.
The perfect killing machine, and yet you can stop them by tucking your pants into your socks.
Uhh.
I'm done with men.
Well, it's a good choice, because we are the worst.
Honey, what's going on? Is Andrew still bugging you to go out with him? Yeah, but that's so constant, I've tuned it out like the hum of the refrigerator.
The refrigerator doesn't hum.
Oh.
Now that's gonna drive me crazy.
I like this Andrew.
I really do.
He kind of reminds me of Richard Nixon.
Really? You met Andrew once, and you pay him your highest compliment? Nixon was a go-getter.
He courted Pat for years.
She kept saying no.
He just wore her down.
He's not a quitter.
Yep.
Right up until he resigned.
I'm talking about Justin, okay? I told him I would go to prom with him on Saturday, but he wants me to wear a dress.
Okay.
I want to be angry for you, but you're just gonna You're gonna have to give me more to work with.
Okay.
So, j-rotsee cadets are allowed to wear their formal uniforms, right? Right, okay.
Justin's wearing his, but he told me I can't.
What? You want to wear your little soldier costume to prom? No! Come on! You're there to turn heads, not blow them off.
I say cut this guy loose.
It's not Justin's job to tell you what to do except during squad drills when his job is to tell you what to do.
And he calls me "maggot," which I actually prefer to "babe.
" He calls you "babe"? What a maggot.
I just hate to see you miss out on your first prom over a silly thing like this.
No, come on.
It's not silly.
I mean, as much as I'd like to see Eve go to prom, I like that she's standing up for herself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think I agree, you know? You don't want to go through life with a man bossing you around.
Tell them I'm right, Vanessa.
He's right.
Believe me.
You do not want that.
Thank you, maggot.
Oh.
You know, actually, um, I prefer "babe.
" All right.
You know what? Dad's right.
Screw Justin.
I'll just skip the stupid dance.
Yeah.
Hey, is that your friend Andrew, or is Rachel Maddow in our yard? Why are you here? And how did you get into my backyard? I just jumped the fence.
Hey, I-I jumped a fence.
Aww, I've had boyfriends jump that fence, but usually he was running the other direction with my dad chasing him.
You want me to go? Okay.
Look, Eve.
I read your Facebook post about your fight with Justin.
If you go to prom with me, you can wear whatever you want.
You know, I don't care.
I'll wear the dress.
That's that's not a selling point, Andrew.
No.
Don't say no.
Just think about it.
We can talk later.
A-actually, can I go through your house? I can't jump over that fence again.
I don't want to risk losing something I might need Saturday night.
That's gross.
Oh, oh, I w I was talking about my wallet.
Oh, hey.
Listen, buddy.
Um, let's not tell mommy about riding the sheep, okay? Is it a secret? No.
It's not a secret.
I just want to talk to her first.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, hon! I was riding a sheep! Boyd.
I let you talk to her first.
I'm sorry.
You let him on a sheep? At Outdoor Man.
It was just a mechanical one.
I'm riding a real one on Saturday! You are really not helping me out here, dude.
Wait.
Mutton busting? No, no, no, honey.
You you are not ready for mutton busting.
But everybody said I was good enough.
Who's everybody? Dad, grandpa, the old bald man who likes ticks.
Why don't you go wash up, buddy? So, this was my father's idea.
Yes.
But for once, I actually agree with him.
You know, it'll be good for Boyd's confidence.
He'll walk with a little more spring in his step.
Because of the compound fracture.
He will either win, or he'll get practice dealing with not winning, which will be a win.
And if it's not, he'll get practice dealing with the not winning, which will also be a win, so it's like a win-win-win-win-win? Okay, look, I know everybody thinks that I'm overreacting, but Boyd is just not coordinated enough, so I am saying no.
Unilaterally? Yes.
I'm the mom.
Then what am I even doing here? At the moment, you're losing an argument.
I'm sure you could twist it around and make it a win.
No, I-I'm being serious.
Am I just your live-in boyfriend, or am I Boyd's co-parent and your equal partner? We are totally equal.
I am just also the tie-breaker.
Well, it feels like I have no status here.
And you know what? I'm not down with that anymore.
I've waited long enough, Kris.
I want us to be an actual family.
Mommy, I know I'm clumsy, but I want to ride the sheep.
You are not clumsy, buddy.
You did really great today.
I am sure you did, okay? And I I want to say yes.
I do.
But I-I'm scared.
I'm not scared, mommy.
Neither am I.
Did you not hear the doorbell? I thought it was on the TV.
They're skiing.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can we talk? Uh, depends.
Are you gonna demand I put on some special "we're talking" dress? No.
What you're wearing's fine.
Look.
I'm sorry we had that fight.
I shouldn't have pushed you about wearing a stupid dress.
Thanks.
That means a lot to me.
Although I still don't get what the big deal was.
The deal is that you think you're allowed to tell me what to do.
But I can't I get that now, which is why I'm letting you wear your uniform.
Ohh So you're letting me.
Wow.
Thanks so much.
You're welcome.
Do you come from a planet with no sarcasm? Or one where it's okay to talk over "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"? Ah-ahem! All right.
Let's just take this out here.
Was that sarcasm? Hey.
What's going on? I heard the doorbell.
Oh, no.
That was just on the TV.
They're skiing.
Eve and Justin are out on the porch.
Oh.
What are they doing? Nothing to worry about.
Just some light porch stuff.
I thought those two were fighting.
Ah, well, I guess they got to the making-up part.
Oh.
Well, that's that's unsettling.
Mom, they're just kissing.
No, no, uh, Mr.
Yekekian is watching from his bedroom window.
All right, next event will be mutton busting, sponsored by your friends at Outdoor Man.
But first, a little notice here.
Uh, Mr.
Walker Pickering, please talk to event officials.
Apparently, your mother has died.
Okay.
Let's get going! Let's get going here! Come on! Come on! Are we sure this is okay for Boyd? Riding a sheep is basically riding a sweater.
He'll be fine.
He'll be fine.
Please, please tell me he will be fine.
Yeah.
He will be fine.
Unless it's the sheep that killed Mrs.
Pickering.
Oh, stop it.
First up, we have Holly Wexler riding the good sheep Lollipop.
Holly is 6, and she likes dogs and pizza.
- Okay, Holly.
- Sounds kind of soft to me.
I think Boyd's gonna mop the corral with her.
Here she comes.
All right.
Nice ride, Holly.
Next time.
Game girl.
Okay.
The next buckaroo up riding sheep-wreck is little Myron Mendelbaum.
He likes stray cats and rope.
Someone should check that kid's basement.
Ohh, look at that.
- Oh, no.
All right, Myron.
- Sorry.
Good try, Myron! Next up is Boyd Baxter Hey! riding Gary.
He'll either win, or he'll learn a valuable lesson in not quitting.
And maybe develop a lifelong fear of sheep.
Mm.
And if that fear keeps him up at night, he won't have anything to count to fall back to sleep.
Isn't one rodeo clown enough? Hmm? Relax, Boyd.
Riding a sheep is just like riding a bike.
I don't know how to ride a bike.
That's why I'm riding a sheep.
Wow.
I just cannot seem to escape awkwardness around these animals.
Oh.
I can't watch.
Here he comes.
I can't There go, Boyd! Go! Look! Go, Boyd! - Whoo! Whoo! - Yeah! Well, you won't see that on ESPN.
It's all about Lebron.
Good job, Boyd.
That sheep will remember this day as being very ba-a-a-d.
Try to respect the rodeo.
Hey, that's my kid! King of the sheep! Suck it, Gary! Suck it! What?! Oh, yeah! You might see that on ESPN.
I won, I won, I won! But remember, buddy, losing is just as good as winning.
Aren't those the lyrics to the Canadian national anthem? If he can ride a sheep, he can ride a bike.
Yeah, but the good thing about a bike it doesn't die if you leave it in the garage all winter.
All right, dad.
I concede, okay? He can ride his bike without the training wheels.
I don't care.
I'm still gonna buy him a sheep.
Wow! Look! I made a girl! What are you all dressed up for? The rodeo's over.
It only took two hours, but we finally look related.
Honey, I thought you decided you weren't gonna go to the prom.
I didn't like being told what to wear, but I realized I did want to go.
- I'm gonna get the camera.
- Okay, okay.
Um, yeah, I'm I'm so glad you're going, but I don't like that you caved in to Justin.
Hi.
I'm here to pick up Eve.
Eve, Nixon's here.
Wow.
Uh, honey.
Um, just, I'm confused.
I mean, I saw you on the porch with Justin.
I-I Oh, I'm keeping my options open.
I mean, let's face it.
Neither one of these guys are gonna end up Mr.
Eve Baxter.
Hey.
I I don't know about that.
I mean, Ginny Weasley didn't think she was gonna end up with Harry Potter, either.
Dad, we're leaving.
Hey.
Before you guys take off, how about you and I take a little tour of my gun cabinet? He's already terrified of me.
It's true.
I hurled a lot on the way here.
Chances for a kiss just went from 1% to 0.
What about one more? Get together Okay, that's it.
Look like look like you're having fun.
- Have a good time.
- There you go.
Enjoy yourselves.
All right.
You look beautiful! - Take care of her.
- Take care of her, all right? That kid sweats like Nixon.
I am so proud of Eve standing up for herself like that.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
She figured out what she wanted, and she went for it.
In a way, I did, too.
Mom, I have something to tell you.
And, Mike, I have to thank you for helping me work on my persistence.
- Don't thank me.
You don't have to thank me.
- I hung in there with Kris - There you go.
- And now we are, uh Oh, my God! I'm so happy for you! I told Kris firmly that I wanted to get married, and she agreed.
And it's all thanks to you Dad.
I -- I just wanted the kid to learn how to ride a bike.