Lucifer (2016) s03e22 Episode Script
All Hands on Decker
1 - Previously on Lucifer - You are my brother and my test.
So what's the plan? We need to make the detective realize that Pierce isn't the man she thinks he is.
If we don't get Chloe to love you, then I can't kill you, and I need this to get back to Hell.
I like you, Charlotte.
So, if you need time, I can wait.
You're worth it.
What do you desire? - I want her to choose me.
- Then tell her.
Chloe Decker, will you marry me? Yes.
WOMAN: Are you listening? Get a move on.
What part of "she can't perform without it" do you not understand? Great.
Just great.
This is the agility trials in San Fran all over again.
I can see ahead of me, I run it, run it [SIGHS.]
Run.
Run! Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh This is an heirloom.
Only the best for Bootsie.
[GROWLS SOFTLY.]
ANNOUNCER: And now, introducing last year's grand prize winner, Bootsie.
Situation sorted.
WOMAN: You wish.
Cornelia's up next and no one's laid eyes on her.
[SIGHS.]
Get what you want Ms.
Cornelia, showtime.
Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh.
Ms.
Cornelia? ELLA: [SQUEALS.]
Oh, my God! Wowzers.
That is some rock, girlfriend.
It is exciting, isn't it? Um, yeah, I mean, heart melting, brain exploding.
Wait, clock's ticking.
How much time do we have before the big day? - Three - Months? Weeks, actually.
What? That is not enough time to plan.
Well, Marcus and I thought why wait? When you know, you know, right? I'm not talking about the wedding.
No, I am talking about the bachelorette party.
Well, it's the second wedding.
- Do I need one? - Uh, yeah, you do.
It sets the foundation for your whole support system.
And trust me, you're gonna need one for the dark days to come 'cause, I mean, sleeping with the same dude [WHISPERS.]
: for the rest of your life? Even hot gets boring, Chloe.
Dark days ahead, indeed.
I may have to take my chances.
Uh, Decker.
All of my life, I have been dreaming of the chance to plan a bachelorette party.
But four brothers.
Remember? And you're the closest thing I have to a sister right now.
Well [SIGHS.]
I guess if you're gonna play the sister card.
Yes! Oh, wait.
Let's talk theme.
The bachelorette and wedding should match.
You know, color palette, dress, cake, venue, flowers Playlist, DJ, tuxedo, - marriage license.
- Right.
We have the nice bottle of single malt for the bar, which is gonna be open, which means we need to get a couple bartenders.
This is a lot, isn't it? It's, uh [CHUCKLES.]
Do you think we should maybe postpone the date? Is that what you want? No.
No.
Totally and completely no.
I unless - unless you do.
- Absolutely not.
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
I mean, look, we solve murders.
How hard can it be to plan one little wedding? Yeah.
But I think I know what'll help.
- Hmm? - I recently discovered that a certain detective has weeks of unused vacation days.
Couple days away from the office might give you time to plan.
Chloe said yes? - To marry Pierce? - It's mind-boggling, I know.
I mean, when I said I was at peace with the detective making her own choices, it didn't occur to me that she'd be capable of making such a spectacularly bad one.
I mean, why on earth? Why is besides the point, Luci.
We can't allow this to happen.
Oh, I like this new you.
I wish you'd realized I was your test eons ago.
Luci, it is God's will that you - and Chloe - Yeah, don't ruin it.
I'm just happy that we're on the same side for once.
So, what's the plan? The plan is simple.
The plan is simple.
I'm going to try to understand why the detective would want to marry that overstuffed man ham and then make her see she's deranged.
Or you could just tell her how you feel.
I already missed my window for that, unfortunately.
He's weaseled his way into her heart, and I don't understand how, but I need to.
Well, good luck.
And I will come up with a plan that will actually work.
Of course you will.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah, Detective.
- You look nice.
- Thank you.
Uh, anyway, since changes are afoot, I'd like to address things head-on.
Oh.
Well, that's oddly mature of you.
And it's it's nice to know that you're not gonna start acting all weird.
[LAUGHS, EXHALES.]
Oh, what's this? Is this an engagement gift? It's much better than that.
It's a personality test.
So I can understand why you do the things you do and, uh, decide the things you decide.
A personality test? So much for not acting weird.
What? You know, to help optimize our partnership.
Okay, well, it's gonna have to wait, because I am taking some time off to plan the wedding.
I Well, how am I supposed to get inside your head if I can't watch you at work? The job is who you are, Detective.
Well, how about you watch Dan.
Because my cases have been reassigned, and I'm sure he'd appreciate the help.
Well, looks like it's you and me, Lucinda.
Yippee.
- And then there's potential reason number 54 - 55.
55 the detective would accept Pierce's proposal: drugs.
EUI Engaged Under the Influence.
Or craziest reason yet: maybe Chloe said yes because it's what she wants.
Well, maybe it's what she thinks she wants, but does she know what she truly desires? 'Cause few do unless I help them.
And unfortunately, I can't do that with her.
Not peony, penis.
Peni Yeah, sure, I'll hold.
Vic is Francis Hoffman.
Time of death roughly 9:00 a.
m.
- Husband's on his way now.
- LUCIFER: Right.
Well, aren't you gonna ask about these suspicious paw prints? The detective certainly would.
The prints belong to Cornelia, the vic's prizewinning Mastiff.
Currently AWOL, though.
Ah, right.
A canine killer.
Seems they can't trust you with a real homicide, Daniel.
Nope.
The bitch is innocent.
Cause of death was blunt force trauma, so the killer is human.
You can rush the order? Awesome! Okay.
It's all in here.
- Oh.
- I got me a penis piñata to pick up.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Right, well, by now, the detective - would have formulated a working theory, so - Listen, dude.
I know you're going through stuff with this whole Chloe-getting-engaged thing, but I can't have you second-guessing my every move.
Chloe has her reasons for making the decisions that she makes, and I have mine.
Only one of us can be detective.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
That is the perfect way to understand the detective.
I'm gonna take the lead and be her.
Right.
That is not what I meant.
Francis loved the beach.
We just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary in Malibu.
Two daddies and one fur baby.
Has there been any sign of her? Cornelia's all I have left.
Not yet, but my job means everything to me.
Solving murders is my one true passion, and as such, I promise you that I will find Cornelia and get justice for your slaughtered husband because I am empathetic.
I care.
Yeah.
Will you excuse us for just a second, please? Thought you never lied.
What? I do care about channeling the detective so I can find out why she does the things she does - and makes the decisions she makes.
- Okay, look.
Whatever it is, we still have to do our job.
You know, like asking questions relating to the crime.
- Okay? Just let me handle this.
- [SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, Frederick? Do you know of anyone who had a beef with Francis? Anyone who would want to hurt him? Oh, right, that is exactly the sort of futile question the detective would ask.
- Do you? - I mean, everyone loved Francis.
But he did get into an argument with someone in the parking lot of the training center last week.
- Did you get a name? - No, I I thought they were just arguing about a parking spot.
But I did take down the license plate in case he came back to key the car if that's helpful? Is that helpful? Yeah.
Right.
Thank you.
I got your message about the engagement.
Plan's back on, right? Whoa, easy, there.
Oh, relax.
I'm not gonna do it here.
I mean, I remember the plan.
Kill you, frame Lucifer, blah, blah, blah.
I'm just really excited.
Well, that's not why I called you.
I called to apologize.
Apologize about what? I don't want to die anymore.
I'm in love with Chloe.
I want to be with her.
I-I know you don't understand.
I hardly do, myself.
You know, I've never felt like this before.
- We had a deal! - And I will honor it.
I promise to find you another way back to Hell.
Show me your arm.
Really? I don't get it.
If Decker loves you, then the mark should be gone.
Unless she's having second thoughts about you.
Well, that's not ELLA: Oh, my God.
Maze, super psyched you're here.
I got me what you might call an "all hands on Decker" emergency.
- Would you? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Conference room.
- Yeah.
I'll work on Chloe and get her back on board.
In the meantime, you better figure out that other way fast.
MAZE: Is that a wedding murder board? I am just trying to stay organized here.
Wow.
Mug shot for the caterer.
Nice work, Decker.
- You see what I'm dealing with? - Mm-hmm.
Guys, solving crimes makes sense to me.
Wedding stuff, not so much.
Why do you think Dan and I got married at the courthouse and then went right back to work? Decker, trust me, we will help you deal with all the wedding details the normal way: blind drunk at your bachelorette party.
- Mm-hmm.
- Which needs to be awesome.
That's where you come in while I deal with a new lead in this case.
Oh, the case.
Right.
- What's going on with that? - I-I ran a partial license and got a match.
Security footage shows the suspect's car at the location of the murder.
Okay, who is it registered to? You will never know that because you are on wedding vacay.
All right.
[GROANS.]
My dress.
- I need to get a dress.
- Yep.
Mm-hmm.
And while you do that We will seal this wedding dealio by throwing you a bachelorette party you won't forget.
Thanks.
I think.
Perfect.
Okay, so you plan the pregame till I get off of work.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
With you on the case, this night is gonna be insane! [SQUEALS.]
Yes, we're heading there right now.
Actually, we would've been there 20 minutes ago if someone didn't have to stop for a wardrobe change.
I'm committed, Daniel.
Okay, so, uh, Ella tracked the plate of the guy Francis fought with to an ex-con named Vincent Walker.
Car was spotted on 3rd and Main.
So we should, you know, hurry.
Well, I'm going as fast as I can.
- You're going 34 in a 35, man.
- [HORN HONKS.]
I can't risk accidentally going over the speed limit.
The detective wouldn't.
Why don't you just ask Chloe why she said yes to Pierce? Oh, there's no point bothering the detective on her time off.
But speaking of baffling unions, how are you doing? You and Charlotte still a thing? - Oh, I - [HORN HONKS.]
Yeah, she's kind of going through some stuff right now.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- And I'm just - you know, I'm giving her space.
- Right.
- Or I'm trying to.
- Hmm.
But thank you for caring, man.
Oh, no, I don't care.
- Oh, right, right, but Chloe would.
- [HORN HONKS.]
Now you're getting it, Daniel.
Just drive, man.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Amenadiel.
- This a bad time? - I could use a break from prosecuting the Malibu State water polo team.
Well, I was hoping that you might be able to help me out again.
I know we failed to prove Pierce is The Sinnerman, but I've still been digging, and I am confident that eventually Actually, I'm taking a different angle this time, Charlotte.
I need to split up the engagement between him and Chloe.
Any chance to get in His good graces, I'm in.
The thing is, Pierce seems to genuinely be in love.
To stop this, we would have to understand him, and that that guy is impenetrable.
Well, if being a trial lawyer has taught me anything, it's that there's always a way to get inside someone's head, get them to have a change of heart.
Go on.
You're both former immortals that became mortal.
You could dig into your own fears and insecurities, weaponize them.
Not the easiest, I know.
But worthy of a test.
Hmm.
Well, while I'm doing that, perhaps you can work on Chloe? Guess who just got invited to Chloe's bachelorette party, co-hosted by Maze, of all people.
Bring singles.
Exactly.
Chloe will be drunk in some stripper's arms questioning her life choices in no time.
All I have to do is water the seeds of doubt.
Okay, so, Vince Walker's record's chock full of violence, man.
Worked as a leg breaker for the mob.
- You gonna pay attention or what? - Hmm? Oh, yes, whoever wanted Francis dead probably hired this Vincent chap to kill him.
And I'd say, based on the security around that doorway over there, and the fact I've been here many times before, that is an illegal gambling den.
As such, it's a reasonable assumption that our devious murderer's in there.
Nice work.
You actually have this whole Chloe thing down pat.
And yet I'm still no closer to understanding her.
I mean, I'm following all the rules, I'm actually paying attention to the leads, I'm covering all the bases like she does.
It gives me no time to do the foolish, impulsive things I normally do that help solve a crime.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hold on.
That's it.
That's what's missing: I need a "me.
" - A "you"? - Yes.
Well, to truly go full Detective, I require a partner who's clever and unpredictable, handsome, sexual.
Suppose one out of four will suffice.
Well done, Daniel.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Wow.
Which one of the four am I? [CHUCKLES.]
Come on.
Yo, Lucifer.
Hey.
I can see the light of the neon truck stop sign Thank you.
All right, remember, just be me, Daniel.
Uh Neon truck stop sign.
Hey, everybody.
Who the hell are you? I'll show you who I am.
Oh, what the heck happened to my, uh [IMITATE GUNSHOT.]
Uh What are you looking for, buddy? Trouble? A few lost teeth? How'd you even get in here? Right.
Just be Lucifer.
I'm here for your money and your women.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
- Teeth it is.
Ah.
You buried the lede.
Maze, this is really sweet.
You helping me with all this traditional bride stuff, and-and for me, it's gonna be really nice hanging out again.
Nice is exactly what I was going for.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Wait, where are we going? There better not be male strippers.
[LAUGHS.]
You underestimate me, Decker.
- Careful.
All right.
- Okay, okay.
- You ready? - Yeah, yeah, I'm ready.
[SQUEALS.]
Oh.
Wow.
Hi.
Yes, I-I definitely never would have guessed this.
Surprise! It certainly was for me.
Care for some non-alcoholic punch? Come on.
MAN: Sorry, not sorry.
Loser.
You know what? Maybe this chair'll be luckier.
So, hit man's greatest hits.
What's the latest, Vince? I don't know who you are, but that stuff was a long time ago.
A man of your reputation and skill? I can't imagine you'd retire.
New time, new tune.
Not what I want anymore.
So then, uh, tell me, what do you want or, uh, desire? I'm married, pal.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
No, no, I mean, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
Like, what do you want want? Not, like, me, like in life, what do you want? [CLEARS THROAT.]
I want to play.
Are you in or you out? Yeah.
Is that a dog bite? Oh, don't tell me, scars turn you on? [LAUGHS.]
No, man.
It's just that when I was a kid, I got bit.
She was a rescue, Chihuahua.
She had been abused, but, uh, we kept her.
Pebbles turned into a real friend, you know.
- Well, this was no Chihuahua.
- What kind of dog was it? - Well huh? - [HELICOPTER WHIRRING.]
Go, go, go! LUCIFER: LAPD! Hands in the air! I don't want any heroes! OFFICER: Hands up! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Lucifer.
Come here! What the hell, man? SWAT? Yes, well, this is when I normally get into a spot of danger, so I called in for backup like a responsible detective would.
The suspect was just about to give me incriminating evidence, man.
Daniel, would you quit making this about yourself.
[SCOFFS.]
- Looking for booze? - Yeah.
And Maze's bong, and decent music, and a strapping naked dude with student loans and a dream.
Not on Maze's itinerary.
- Maze has an itinerary? - Yep.
And I stole it.
Nail art, Mahjong, silent meditation? Did you guys find the booze? Exactly.
We should be nipple-deep in Jager by now and playing pin the tail on Ryan Gosling.
I can't believe that Maze legit hijacked my bachelorette party.
- You mean Chloe's bachelorette party.
- That's what I said.
This is odd.
What is Maze up to? MAZE: Okay.
All the things that you love about Pierce.
Go.
Oh.
He does this really adorable, like, scrape-y thing - when he burns the toast - Aw.
And do-do I really have to do a hundred of these? - Yes.
- Oh, man.
I promised Chloe the moon.
And I gave her burnt toast.
Please.
We've got to do something.
Yeah.
I've got an idea.
I'm not gonna bite you, Pierce.
Says the guy who's tried to kill me numerous times and now can succeed.
Relax.
I asked you here to celebrate.
So you're not mad that I got rid of my mark? I feel this odd kinship, actually.
I mean, this is like the, uh, the first official meeting of the Immortals Turned Mortal Club.
In that case, the beer's on you.
It's all my Father's plan, I have to assume.
Maybe.
But for now, I need to keep it quiet from certain people, until I know it's gonna stick.
First club rule: cone of silencio.
I've wanted this to happen for so long.
It's hard to believe it actually is.
Hey, I'm really happy for you, Pierce.
Truly.
- Thanks, bro.
- I mean, becoming mortal is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Everything is so much better when you know that you can you can die at any moment.
How much time do we have left? 30-odd years? 40, if we lay off the sauce? I mean, that's a drop in the bucket for a former immortal.
Hadn't thought of it that way.
Every sip of beer, every blue sky, every motorcycle ride, [SIGHS.]
every kiss So much more precious when you realize it could be your last.
That any random act could just [EXHALES.]
take it all away.
Be alive to know.
[GROANS.]
Uh.
Oh, come on.
[GASPS.]
Definitely strapless.
Mmm.
And with a bow.
Yes.
Yes.
A big one.
Okay, I'm gonna get another roll.
- [SIGHS.]
- ELLA: I did this two-ply wedding dress garbage at my cousin Rita's bachelorette party.
You know what happened? Not drunken pole dancing.
You know what else isn't happening? Us.
Here.
- This is torture.
- [SIGHS.]
Of course, Maze.
This all makes sense.
[MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY.]
Oh, my gosh, what could that be? It's probably just, uh, Trixie and her stupid little friend - next door.
- Hold on.
Chloe.
Is that? You see it? [LAUGHTER, WHOOPING.]
Oh, my God.
Okay, now, this is what I'm talking about right here.
[LAUGHTER.]
You didn't really think we'd stay home, did you? - You guys, you shouldn't have.
- Honk, honk.
ELLA: Honk for "Fun! Fun! Fun!" No, they really shouldn't have.
The detective always goes first.
So, Vince.
Let me guess: you were hired to take out Francis so Cornelia couldn't compete in the show.
Or was the dog the target, and she attacked, so you killed the owner instead? Hmm? This is where I'd make a clever pun about the underdog.
VINCE: Look, I wasn't hired to take out the competition, I am the competition.
- What do you mean? - I got into dog training through the "pups and parolees" program in jail.
That's how I got this bite.
I fell in love with one.
Elliot.
I found out later he was a purebred Mastiff, so I started taking him to all the shows.
He loves the shows.
You're not in the competition database.
Daniel, that's my line.
You're not in the competition database.
If those snobs ever saw me with my Elly, they'd never give him a fair shake.
So I pay someone to pretend to be his owner.
Then why were you fighting with Francis? Look, I don't want to talk about it, all right? Daniel, time to slam the suspect up against the wall to elicit a response.
- Wait - Oh, come on, practice with me.
Look, look, look.
The fight with Francis was over puppy custody.
Cornelia was pregnant.
With my Elly's babies.
I could never murder the puppies' maternal grandfather.
I'm not some monster.
A litter of purebred Mastiff puppies is worth tens of thousands of dollars.
O-Oh, right.
Who else knew about the puppies? ["CONFIDENT" BY DEMI LOVATO PLAYING.]
LINDA: Oh, The Big Easy! - [CORK POPS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
It's time for me to take it I'm the boss right now Not gonna fake it Not when you go down 'Cause this is my game And you better come to play ELLA: Put them on, put them on.
Okay, okay.
Look.
"L'il Miss Can't Behave.
" LINDA: Oh, my gosh.
- Oh! - Gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
- Oh! Oh! - Maze.
Oh, don't worry, Decker, there's lots more where that came from.
- Really? - There really is.
Did you see that bar? Is it cool? What the hell is this? Uh, the best bachelorette party ever.
Hells yeah.
This bus really amped things up a notch! Yeah, and now I need you to de-notch.
Are you nuts? This is everything I ever dreamed of.
In genuine pleather.
Ella, I really need this wedding to happen.
That means no surprises, no problems, and definitely no drunken change of heart.
We all know Decker can't handle her booze.
I don't know.
She seems to be handling it just fine.
- [SQUEALING.]
- ELLA: Yeah! Looks like marrying ol' reliable is letting her bust out her inner Lucifer.
Yeah? And we all know he isn't the marrying kind.
Come on, Maze, it's one night.
Just let her have some fun.
What could possibly go wrong? [TIRES SCREECH.]
Ah, ha, ha [MEN WHOOPING.]
No! [CHEERING.]
[WHOOPING.]
Charlotte, what is happening? I agreed to waive the charges on the Malibu State water polo team if they agreed to wave some other things.
[LAUGHS.]
- Amazing.
- Right? Yeah! What's wrong with being, what's wrong With being confident? Ah, ha, ha.
DAN: The Barkley.
Owned by Dr.
Valerie Haynes, veterinarian to the stars and the SoCal Dog Show.
Apparently, every canine contestant is required to be examined by Dr.
Valerie before they can actually compete, which means She definitely would have known Cornelia was pregnant.
And she would have been at the crime scene.
No, I still don't think this is working.
[SIGHS.]
Agree.
- And I think it's my fault.
- Also agree.
See, the problem is, we rarely work this closely together, you and I.
And you can't be expected to just know the delicate detective-consultant chemistry.
So I think you clearly need an intensive hands-on tutelage on how to be me.
- That, I don't agree with.
- Excellent.
Uh, you might want to take some notes.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hello there.
Uh, we would love to see Dr.
Valerie, if possible.
[CHUCKLES.]
VALERIE: I can assure you I know nothing about any murder.
Over puppies? I mean, who would do such a thing? DAN: Well, the rent in this part of town is pretty hefty.
And those puppies were extremely valuable, especially on the black market.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You think I need money? Imagine how much people spend on their kids.
Peanuts compared to what they spend on their pets.
Trust me, I have more than I could ever want.
Oh.
Do you, now? Watch and learn.
Surely, there must be something that you desire.
I Mm.
I'm Mm-hmm.
I'm really all good.
Come now, there's really nothing you want deep, deep down? I want the miracle of birth.
Trying to solve a murder here, love, but I'm sure you can find someone to help you with that.
Eventually.
You don't mean for you, do you? [WHINES SOFTLY.]
Of course I took the dog when I had the chance.
Do you know how little I get paid? All the missed holidays? Dr.
Valerie spends most of her time in Hawaii.
So I took Cornelia and I hid her here.
And when Francis tried to stop you, you, what, killed him? No! I was backstage, but he was already dead.
Cornelia was frantic.
She came to me.
She's very particular, and she knew that I would take care of her.
By selling her precious babies? I know it was wrong, but I was gonna return her right after she gave birth.
[SCOFFS.]
Look, I'm not a killer.
I swear.
[SIGHS.]
They never are, are they? Well, given motive and lack of alibi, you leave me with no choice but to follow my trusty detective gut and arrest you for the murder of Francis Hoffman.
Tag her and bag her.
[HUFFS.]
Well, suspect apprehended.
Canine found.
And that is how it's done, Daniel.
I don't care - [WHOOPS.]
- I love it I don't care [LAUGHS.]
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, my gosh.
That's definitely one way to sober up.
Charlotte.
Oh, Charlotte, hi.
Gettin' your groove on? [CHUCKLES.]
My groove is on pause lately.
But forget about me.
This night is all you.
I got to say, it's nice forgetting about the wedding stress for once.
Why stress? It's all exciting! And so bold.
First Dan, now Pierce? Marrying a second guy from your office? But screw the professional optics, right? You have a type.
When you know, you know.
MAN: Whoa! What are you doing? Whoa! ELLA: Um, is it just me or are we short a couple of giant hot dudes? [GRUNTS.]
- [HORN HONKS.]
- Maze! What are you doing? - [GRUNTS.]
- Hey! I liked that guy! He smelled like chlorine and butterscotch fudge.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
I am five-feet-nothing of coiled live wire, Maze.
This means war! ELLA: Linda, Linda, Linda, Linda, please! Maybe we can circle back and-and then pick him up again.
While we're on the topic, I would love some relationship advice.
From me? Well, I'm not an expert.
Clearly.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't know.
I mean, your faith in some pretty ruinous odds is truly inspiring.
Did you know that L.
A.
has one of the highest divorce rates - in all of the U.
S.
? - Does it? - Yeah.
- Really? My plan has nothing to do with you.
It is for Chloe.
I want to get her exactly what she wants.
Pierce.
Married.
To her.
No drama.
Yeah.
Totally agree! - [GRUNTS.]
- Total lack of drama starting right now! [CHUCKLES.]
Cupid Maze? Altruism? Pearls? No way.
People get married now multiple times.
LINDA: You're up to something! - I mean [SIGHS.]
- LINDA: Tell me! I suppose there's nothing stopping you from getting married again - after Pierce.
- Charlotte, I know you're not trying to freak Chloe out, but it kind of seems like you're getting in her head.
- You really think so? - Wait, are you trying to freak her out on purpose? Uh - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Let's go.
Bring it.
[WHISTLES.]
Stop the freaking bus! [TIRES SCREECH.]
Everyone but Chloe out! Now! I love it.
You know, we could've sent the dog back with the rest of the guys.
Nonsense.
The detective would never allow a pregnant lady to ride in the back of a filthy police van.
How very sensitive of her.
[SIGHS.]
: Yes.
And so predictable.
I mean, how can the detective's actions be so easy to replicate and yet so hard to decipher? I still have absolutely no clue as to why she said yes to Pierce.
Not to point fingers, Daniel, but I do wish you'd tried harder to be, well, me.
If you weren't so afraid all the bloody time I am not afraid.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Oh.
Oh, really? You say you're giving Charlotte time and space because it's what she wants, but we both know you're using it as an excuse - to avoid telling her what you want.
- Fine.
Okay.
Yeah.
Maybe maybe I'm not great at admitting what I want.
And maybe it wouldn't kill me to - Lucifer it up every now and then.
- Mm.
But when it comes to understanding people, I'm not taking any pointers from you, man.
In fact, I think you're the one who's afraid.
Excuse me? The reason you won't ask Chloe why she's marrying Pierce is because you're scared to hear the answer.
- [CHUCKLES.]
That's absurd.
- [CHUCKLES.]
: No.
That's why you're playing all these stupid little head games.
Which aren't gonna work, by the way.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Because, first off, you're only thinking about Chloe as her job.
I mean, you don't even call her by her name.
Which is Chloe, not "the detective.
" It's endearing.
[LAUGHS.]
: Oh, come on.
You believe this guy, Cornelia? [BARKS SOFTLY.]
Chloe is so much more than work, man.
She's a friend.
She's a devoted parent to Trixie.
- She's the most amazing human being I've - Daniel.
You ignorant, fearful genius you're right.
Really? Indeed.
To truly understand the detective's motivations, I need to experience the full spectrum of her life.
- Okay.
- So what I need is a defenseless, barely verbal creature who depends entirely on me - for her every need.
- What are you talking about? I need a Trixie.
I Hello.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Uh, ew.
- ELLA: Maze, what part of co-hosting a bachelorette party did you not understand? Hey, nobody asked me about any damn bus! LINDA: Yeah, so you throw my next best chance for a sex life off it? - And, you, why are you freaking Chloe out? - MAZE: Yeah, I should never have invited her.
I was trying to help! You know, a little prenuptial conflict is healthy.
It's better to get it out of the system.
Oh, you want conflict? Done! Okay, ladies, please.
- There's still time to fix this, okay? - Come on, Maze.
Two words: matching tattoos.
What? Fake tattoos.
Fake.
Pierce tipped me off - Pierce was looking into fake tattoos? - Yeah.
I mean, he made me promise not to tell anyone But you know what? Lying bastard! Where is Maze going? Bigger problem, girls.
Where'd Chloe go? Oh LUCIFER: No, sit, child.
Oh, goodness me.
Sitzen.
Oh, my goodness.
This is ridiculous.
I mean, at least the detective's human dependent can be bribed with chocolate and cash.
But apparently, chocolate's toxic for Ms.
Picky here.
And she ate my wallet.
- What is that smell? And why is there - Hmm? - Crime scene tape all around my desk? - Because trust me, Daniel, Cornelia committed a very serious infraction over there.
- [WHINES SOFTLY.]
- Children are so needy I mean, you wouldn't understand, but being a single parent is exhausting.
Dude, it's been an hour.
Well, in dog years, that's an eternity.
Yeah, well, your parenting days are over, okay? Francis's husband Frederick is here.
LUCIFER: Frederick! Oh.
Good to see you again.
What a pity.
We were just bonding.
Thank you, Detectives.
I had no idea she was pregnant.
Now I can start to rebuild our family.
Well, if you just, uh, sign the release form, and she's all yours.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
There's my good girl.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Ah - [WHINING.]
- Girl Oh, poor baby.
She's clearly feeling the strain.
Cornelia? Come.
Bye, child.
I'll really Good-bye.
Right, now, that's Where's he gone? WOMAN [OVER SPEAKER.]
: How you doing there, hon? C Can you see me? I see a lot of things on this bus.
Looks like something's eating at you.
[SIGHS.]
Well, it just it all happened so fast, and everyone's wondering why I said yes, and I-I'm wondering the same thing myself.
I don't know, m-maybe I thought that marrying a a safe, steady guy would somehow change me into a different person, and that-that maybe this new, spontaneous me would-would somehow inspire the the person that I still am.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, are you married? 17 years.
He's my everything.
Hopefully, your guy is, too.
[SIGHS SOFTLY.]
[QUIETLY.]
: How does she even do this? Well, that's odd.
Cornelia's prenatal examination was signed by Frederick, but he said he didn't know about the pregnancy.
And the signature's a match.
Which means he lied.
Ergo he's most likely the killer.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well done, Detective! Well well done, Detective.
- Get in here, you stupid mutt.
- [WHINING.]
Come on! - Is that how you treat a pregnant lady? - What the? - How did you get in here? - I had a hunch you were the killer.
When your "fur baby" wouldn't go to you.
Cornelia only goes to people she trusts.
Not killers.
Only question now is: why, Frederick? I'm more than happy to discuss this with you after I tend to Cornelia.
- [WHINES.]
- [SIGHS.]
Listen.
You got to understand, a dog is supposed to be man's best friend, not man's best replacement.
Do you know what it's like to be kicked out of your own bed by a dog?! But I could never get up the nerve to just tell Francis what I wanted.
You were scared of what the answer could be.
Then I found out about the puppies.
Six more reasons for him to neglect me.
And we fought and he fell, and he hit his head.
It was an accident.
Why don't you just put the gun down.
Come back to the station and tell your side of the story.
I should've just shot the dog! But it's so hard to kill a creature with such intelligence in its eyes.
[DOOR CRASHES OPEN.]
LAPD! Wha? Ah.
There you are.
[CHUCKLES.]
Typical.
You leave me with the paperwork and run off alone.
No thought of danger, no thought of protocol You really don't see the irony, do you? All I see, Daniel, is that I can't rely on you as my partner.
So perhaps I should find someone steady, someone responsible, someone who can actually be there for me.
[EXHALES.]
: Oh.
Oh.
I get it now.
MAZE: So you thought I wouldn't find out your mark is fake.
You know, for a guy who's lived for a million years, you're a real dumbass.
Shh.
She's asleep.
Can't use the kid as a human shield forever, Cain.
Maybe not tonight [WHISPERS.]
: but I am coming for you.
[DOORKNOB RATTLING.]
[KEYS JINGLE.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey.
You're here.
Why isn't Trixie at her sleepover? I stopped by to check on her, and she wanted to come home.
Um about all this wedding stuff It's way too overwhelming.
- Yeah, I agree.
It's, uh, it's-it's - Yeah.
Listen, let's forget about the whole "big event" thing, okay? Life is too short.
- Too short, yeah.
- Yeah.
Let's elope.
We don't need the whole circus.
It's about you and me.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
And-and-and that's why I I can't marry you.
I'm sorry, Marcus.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Dan.
Are you okay? Uh I don't know.
Got a lot of things on my mind.
Could be kind of serious.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Tell me about it.
I am whew Seriously wondering why I said yes to that fifth shot of tequila.
[EXHALES.]
What is it? Charlotte, I know that, um we've been keeping things kind of loose, and I said that you could use your space.
And if that's what you want if that's what you truly want, then I respect that.
But I never told you what I want.
I want you.
All in.
The whole deal.
So, um so there.
Okay.
Really? Ah.
Detective.
Good.
You're back.
I am.
Yeah.
Excellent, because well, there's a few things I need to say.
- Hmm.
- You see, I've, um well, I I've actually learned something for once.
Oh.
No ring.
[SIGHS.]
Yep, no ring.
Oh.
So, you were saying you learned something? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh.
Oh, it's nothing.
Nothing.
Completely irrelevant.
Right.
Well a new case just dropped, so I was thinking Back to work? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Back to work.
- After you.
- Thank you.
- Shall we take my car? - Yes.
[LUCIFER SPEAKS SOFTLY.]
So what's the plan? We need to make the detective realize that Pierce isn't the man she thinks he is.
If we don't get Chloe to love you, then I can't kill you, and I need this to get back to Hell.
I like you, Charlotte.
So, if you need time, I can wait.
You're worth it.
What do you desire? - I want her to choose me.
- Then tell her.
Chloe Decker, will you marry me? Yes.
WOMAN: Are you listening? Get a move on.
What part of "she can't perform without it" do you not understand? Great.
Just great.
This is the agility trials in San Fran all over again.
I can see ahead of me, I run it, run it [SIGHS.]
Run.
Run! Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh This is an heirloom.
Only the best for Bootsie.
[GROWLS SOFTLY.]
ANNOUNCER: And now, introducing last year's grand prize winner, Bootsie.
Situation sorted.
WOMAN: You wish.
Cornelia's up next and no one's laid eyes on her.
[SIGHS.]
Get what you want Ms.
Cornelia, showtime.
Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh.
Ms.
Cornelia? ELLA: [SQUEALS.]
Oh, my God! Wowzers.
That is some rock, girlfriend.
It is exciting, isn't it? Um, yeah, I mean, heart melting, brain exploding.
Wait, clock's ticking.
How much time do we have before the big day? - Three - Months? Weeks, actually.
What? That is not enough time to plan.
Well, Marcus and I thought why wait? When you know, you know, right? I'm not talking about the wedding.
No, I am talking about the bachelorette party.
Well, it's the second wedding.
- Do I need one? - Uh, yeah, you do.
It sets the foundation for your whole support system.
And trust me, you're gonna need one for the dark days to come 'cause, I mean, sleeping with the same dude [WHISPERS.]
: for the rest of your life? Even hot gets boring, Chloe.
Dark days ahead, indeed.
I may have to take my chances.
Uh, Decker.
All of my life, I have been dreaming of the chance to plan a bachelorette party.
But four brothers.
Remember? And you're the closest thing I have to a sister right now.
Well [SIGHS.]
I guess if you're gonna play the sister card.
Yes! Oh, wait.
Let's talk theme.
The bachelorette and wedding should match.
You know, color palette, dress, cake, venue, flowers Playlist, DJ, tuxedo, - marriage license.
- Right.
We have the nice bottle of single malt for the bar, which is gonna be open, which means we need to get a couple bartenders.
This is a lot, isn't it? It's, uh [CHUCKLES.]
Do you think we should maybe postpone the date? Is that what you want? No.
No.
Totally and completely no.
I unless - unless you do.
- Absolutely not.
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
I mean, look, we solve murders.
How hard can it be to plan one little wedding? Yeah.
But I think I know what'll help.
- Hmm? - I recently discovered that a certain detective has weeks of unused vacation days.
Couple days away from the office might give you time to plan.
Chloe said yes? - To marry Pierce? - It's mind-boggling, I know.
I mean, when I said I was at peace with the detective making her own choices, it didn't occur to me that she'd be capable of making such a spectacularly bad one.
I mean, why on earth? Why is besides the point, Luci.
We can't allow this to happen.
Oh, I like this new you.
I wish you'd realized I was your test eons ago.
Luci, it is God's will that you - and Chloe - Yeah, don't ruin it.
I'm just happy that we're on the same side for once.
So, what's the plan? The plan is simple.
The plan is simple.
I'm going to try to understand why the detective would want to marry that overstuffed man ham and then make her see she's deranged.
Or you could just tell her how you feel.
I already missed my window for that, unfortunately.
He's weaseled his way into her heart, and I don't understand how, but I need to.
Well, good luck.
And I will come up with a plan that will actually work.
Of course you will.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah, Detective.
- You look nice.
- Thank you.
Uh, anyway, since changes are afoot, I'd like to address things head-on.
Oh.
Well, that's oddly mature of you.
And it's it's nice to know that you're not gonna start acting all weird.
[LAUGHS, EXHALES.]
Oh, what's this? Is this an engagement gift? It's much better than that.
It's a personality test.
So I can understand why you do the things you do and, uh, decide the things you decide.
A personality test? So much for not acting weird.
What? You know, to help optimize our partnership.
Okay, well, it's gonna have to wait, because I am taking some time off to plan the wedding.
I Well, how am I supposed to get inside your head if I can't watch you at work? The job is who you are, Detective.
Well, how about you watch Dan.
Because my cases have been reassigned, and I'm sure he'd appreciate the help.
Well, looks like it's you and me, Lucinda.
Yippee.
- And then there's potential reason number 54 - 55.
55 the detective would accept Pierce's proposal: drugs.
EUI Engaged Under the Influence.
Or craziest reason yet: maybe Chloe said yes because it's what she wants.
Well, maybe it's what she thinks she wants, but does she know what she truly desires? 'Cause few do unless I help them.
And unfortunately, I can't do that with her.
Not peony, penis.
Peni Yeah, sure, I'll hold.
Vic is Francis Hoffman.
Time of death roughly 9:00 a.
m.
- Husband's on his way now.
- LUCIFER: Right.
Well, aren't you gonna ask about these suspicious paw prints? The detective certainly would.
The prints belong to Cornelia, the vic's prizewinning Mastiff.
Currently AWOL, though.
Ah, right.
A canine killer.
Seems they can't trust you with a real homicide, Daniel.
Nope.
The bitch is innocent.
Cause of death was blunt force trauma, so the killer is human.
You can rush the order? Awesome! Okay.
It's all in here.
- Oh.
- I got me a penis piñata to pick up.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Right, well, by now, the detective - would have formulated a working theory, so - Listen, dude.
I know you're going through stuff with this whole Chloe-getting-engaged thing, but I can't have you second-guessing my every move.
Chloe has her reasons for making the decisions that she makes, and I have mine.
Only one of us can be detective.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
That is the perfect way to understand the detective.
I'm gonna take the lead and be her.
Right.
That is not what I meant.
Francis loved the beach.
We just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary in Malibu.
Two daddies and one fur baby.
Has there been any sign of her? Cornelia's all I have left.
Not yet, but my job means everything to me.
Solving murders is my one true passion, and as such, I promise you that I will find Cornelia and get justice for your slaughtered husband because I am empathetic.
I care.
Yeah.
Will you excuse us for just a second, please? Thought you never lied.
What? I do care about channeling the detective so I can find out why she does the things she does - and makes the decisions she makes.
- Okay, look.
Whatever it is, we still have to do our job.
You know, like asking questions relating to the crime.
- Okay? Just let me handle this.
- [SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, Frederick? Do you know of anyone who had a beef with Francis? Anyone who would want to hurt him? Oh, right, that is exactly the sort of futile question the detective would ask.
- Do you? - I mean, everyone loved Francis.
But he did get into an argument with someone in the parking lot of the training center last week.
- Did you get a name? - No, I I thought they were just arguing about a parking spot.
But I did take down the license plate in case he came back to key the car if that's helpful? Is that helpful? Yeah.
Right.
Thank you.
I got your message about the engagement.
Plan's back on, right? Whoa, easy, there.
Oh, relax.
I'm not gonna do it here.
I mean, I remember the plan.
Kill you, frame Lucifer, blah, blah, blah.
I'm just really excited.
Well, that's not why I called you.
I called to apologize.
Apologize about what? I don't want to die anymore.
I'm in love with Chloe.
I want to be with her.
I-I know you don't understand.
I hardly do, myself.
You know, I've never felt like this before.
- We had a deal! - And I will honor it.
I promise to find you another way back to Hell.
Show me your arm.
Really? I don't get it.
If Decker loves you, then the mark should be gone.
Unless she's having second thoughts about you.
Well, that's not ELLA: Oh, my God.
Maze, super psyched you're here.
I got me what you might call an "all hands on Decker" emergency.
- Would you? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Conference room.
- Yeah.
I'll work on Chloe and get her back on board.
In the meantime, you better figure out that other way fast.
MAZE: Is that a wedding murder board? I am just trying to stay organized here.
Wow.
Mug shot for the caterer.
Nice work, Decker.
- You see what I'm dealing with? - Mm-hmm.
Guys, solving crimes makes sense to me.
Wedding stuff, not so much.
Why do you think Dan and I got married at the courthouse and then went right back to work? Decker, trust me, we will help you deal with all the wedding details the normal way: blind drunk at your bachelorette party.
- Mm-hmm.
- Which needs to be awesome.
That's where you come in while I deal with a new lead in this case.
Oh, the case.
Right.
- What's going on with that? - I-I ran a partial license and got a match.
Security footage shows the suspect's car at the location of the murder.
Okay, who is it registered to? You will never know that because you are on wedding vacay.
All right.
[GROANS.]
My dress.
- I need to get a dress.
- Yep.
Mm-hmm.
And while you do that We will seal this wedding dealio by throwing you a bachelorette party you won't forget.
Thanks.
I think.
Perfect.
Okay, so you plan the pregame till I get off of work.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
With you on the case, this night is gonna be insane! [SQUEALS.]
Yes, we're heading there right now.
Actually, we would've been there 20 minutes ago if someone didn't have to stop for a wardrobe change.
I'm committed, Daniel.
Okay, so, uh, Ella tracked the plate of the guy Francis fought with to an ex-con named Vincent Walker.
Car was spotted on 3rd and Main.
So we should, you know, hurry.
Well, I'm going as fast as I can.
- You're going 34 in a 35, man.
- [HORN HONKS.]
I can't risk accidentally going over the speed limit.
The detective wouldn't.
Why don't you just ask Chloe why she said yes to Pierce? Oh, there's no point bothering the detective on her time off.
But speaking of baffling unions, how are you doing? You and Charlotte still a thing? - Oh, I - [HORN HONKS.]
Yeah, she's kind of going through some stuff right now.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- And I'm just - you know, I'm giving her space.
- Right.
- Or I'm trying to.
- Hmm.
But thank you for caring, man.
Oh, no, I don't care.
- Oh, right, right, but Chloe would.
- [HORN HONKS.]
Now you're getting it, Daniel.
Just drive, man.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Amenadiel.
- This a bad time? - I could use a break from prosecuting the Malibu State water polo team.
Well, I was hoping that you might be able to help me out again.
I know we failed to prove Pierce is The Sinnerman, but I've still been digging, and I am confident that eventually Actually, I'm taking a different angle this time, Charlotte.
I need to split up the engagement between him and Chloe.
Any chance to get in His good graces, I'm in.
The thing is, Pierce seems to genuinely be in love.
To stop this, we would have to understand him, and that that guy is impenetrable.
Well, if being a trial lawyer has taught me anything, it's that there's always a way to get inside someone's head, get them to have a change of heart.
Go on.
You're both former immortals that became mortal.
You could dig into your own fears and insecurities, weaponize them.
Not the easiest, I know.
But worthy of a test.
Hmm.
Well, while I'm doing that, perhaps you can work on Chloe? Guess who just got invited to Chloe's bachelorette party, co-hosted by Maze, of all people.
Bring singles.
Exactly.
Chloe will be drunk in some stripper's arms questioning her life choices in no time.
All I have to do is water the seeds of doubt.
Okay, so, Vince Walker's record's chock full of violence, man.
Worked as a leg breaker for the mob.
- You gonna pay attention or what? - Hmm? Oh, yes, whoever wanted Francis dead probably hired this Vincent chap to kill him.
And I'd say, based on the security around that doorway over there, and the fact I've been here many times before, that is an illegal gambling den.
As such, it's a reasonable assumption that our devious murderer's in there.
Nice work.
You actually have this whole Chloe thing down pat.
And yet I'm still no closer to understanding her.
I mean, I'm following all the rules, I'm actually paying attention to the leads, I'm covering all the bases like she does.
It gives me no time to do the foolish, impulsive things I normally do that help solve a crime.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hold on.
That's it.
That's what's missing: I need a "me.
" - A "you"? - Yes.
Well, to truly go full Detective, I require a partner who's clever and unpredictable, handsome, sexual.
Suppose one out of four will suffice.
Well done, Daniel.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Wow.
Which one of the four am I? [CHUCKLES.]
Come on.
Yo, Lucifer.
Hey.
I can see the light of the neon truck stop sign Thank you.
All right, remember, just be me, Daniel.
Uh Neon truck stop sign.
Hey, everybody.
Who the hell are you? I'll show you who I am.
Oh, what the heck happened to my, uh [IMITATE GUNSHOT.]
Uh What are you looking for, buddy? Trouble? A few lost teeth? How'd you even get in here? Right.
Just be Lucifer.
I'm here for your money and your women.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
- Teeth it is.
Ah.
You buried the lede.
Maze, this is really sweet.
You helping me with all this traditional bride stuff, and-and for me, it's gonna be really nice hanging out again.
Nice is exactly what I was going for.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Wait, where are we going? There better not be male strippers.
[LAUGHS.]
You underestimate me, Decker.
- Careful.
All right.
- Okay, okay.
- You ready? - Yeah, yeah, I'm ready.
[SQUEALS.]
Oh.
Wow.
Hi.
Yes, I-I definitely never would have guessed this.
Surprise! It certainly was for me.
Care for some non-alcoholic punch? Come on.
MAN: Sorry, not sorry.
Loser.
You know what? Maybe this chair'll be luckier.
So, hit man's greatest hits.
What's the latest, Vince? I don't know who you are, but that stuff was a long time ago.
A man of your reputation and skill? I can't imagine you'd retire.
New time, new tune.
Not what I want anymore.
So then, uh, tell me, what do you want or, uh, desire? I'm married, pal.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
No, no, I mean, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
Like, what do you want want? Not, like, me, like in life, what do you want? [CLEARS THROAT.]
I want to play.
Are you in or you out? Yeah.
Is that a dog bite? Oh, don't tell me, scars turn you on? [LAUGHS.]
No, man.
It's just that when I was a kid, I got bit.
She was a rescue, Chihuahua.
She had been abused, but, uh, we kept her.
Pebbles turned into a real friend, you know.
- Well, this was no Chihuahua.
- What kind of dog was it? - Well huh? - [HELICOPTER WHIRRING.]
Go, go, go! LUCIFER: LAPD! Hands in the air! I don't want any heroes! OFFICER: Hands up! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Lucifer.
Come here! What the hell, man? SWAT? Yes, well, this is when I normally get into a spot of danger, so I called in for backup like a responsible detective would.
The suspect was just about to give me incriminating evidence, man.
Daniel, would you quit making this about yourself.
[SCOFFS.]
- Looking for booze? - Yeah.
And Maze's bong, and decent music, and a strapping naked dude with student loans and a dream.
Not on Maze's itinerary.
- Maze has an itinerary? - Yep.
And I stole it.
Nail art, Mahjong, silent meditation? Did you guys find the booze? Exactly.
We should be nipple-deep in Jager by now and playing pin the tail on Ryan Gosling.
I can't believe that Maze legit hijacked my bachelorette party.
- You mean Chloe's bachelorette party.
- That's what I said.
This is odd.
What is Maze up to? MAZE: Okay.
All the things that you love about Pierce.
Go.
Oh.
He does this really adorable, like, scrape-y thing - when he burns the toast - Aw.
And do-do I really have to do a hundred of these? - Yes.
- Oh, man.
I promised Chloe the moon.
And I gave her burnt toast.
Please.
We've got to do something.
Yeah.
I've got an idea.
I'm not gonna bite you, Pierce.
Says the guy who's tried to kill me numerous times and now can succeed.
Relax.
I asked you here to celebrate.
So you're not mad that I got rid of my mark? I feel this odd kinship, actually.
I mean, this is like the, uh, the first official meeting of the Immortals Turned Mortal Club.
In that case, the beer's on you.
It's all my Father's plan, I have to assume.
Maybe.
But for now, I need to keep it quiet from certain people, until I know it's gonna stick.
First club rule: cone of silencio.
I've wanted this to happen for so long.
It's hard to believe it actually is.
Hey, I'm really happy for you, Pierce.
Truly.
- Thanks, bro.
- I mean, becoming mortal is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Everything is so much better when you know that you can you can die at any moment.
How much time do we have left? 30-odd years? 40, if we lay off the sauce? I mean, that's a drop in the bucket for a former immortal.
Hadn't thought of it that way.
Every sip of beer, every blue sky, every motorcycle ride, [SIGHS.]
every kiss So much more precious when you realize it could be your last.
That any random act could just [EXHALES.]
take it all away.
Be alive to know.
[GROANS.]
Uh.
Oh, come on.
[GASPS.]
Definitely strapless.
Mmm.
And with a bow.
Yes.
Yes.
A big one.
Okay, I'm gonna get another roll.
- [SIGHS.]
- ELLA: I did this two-ply wedding dress garbage at my cousin Rita's bachelorette party.
You know what happened? Not drunken pole dancing.
You know what else isn't happening? Us.
Here.
- This is torture.
- [SIGHS.]
Of course, Maze.
This all makes sense.
[MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY.]
Oh, my gosh, what could that be? It's probably just, uh, Trixie and her stupid little friend - next door.
- Hold on.
Chloe.
Is that? You see it? [LAUGHTER, WHOOPING.]
Oh, my God.
Okay, now, this is what I'm talking about right here.
[LAUGHTER.]
You didn't really think we'd stay home, did you? - You guys, you shouldn't have.
- Honk, honk.
ELLA: Honk for "Fun! Fun! Fun!" No, they really shouldn't have.
The detective always goes first.
So, Vince.
Let me guess: you were hired to take out Francis so Cornelia couldn't compete in the show.
Or was the dog the target, and she attacked, so you killed the owner instead? Hmm? This is where I'd make a clever pun about the underdog.
VINCE: Look, I wasn't hired to take out the competition, I am the competition.
- What do you mean? - I got into dog training through the "pups and parolees" program in jail.
That's how I got this bite.
I fell in love with one.
Elliot.
I found out later he was a purebred Mastiff, so I started taking him to all the shows.
He loves the shows.
You're not in the competition database.
Daniel, that's my line.
You're not in the competition database.
If those snobs ever saw me with my Elly, they'd never give him a fair shake.
So I pay someone to pretend to be his owner.
Then why were you fighting with Francis? Look, I don't want to talk about it, all right? Daniel, time to slam the suspect up against the wall to elicit a response.
- Wait - Oh, come on, practice with me.
Look, look, look.
The fight with Francis was over puppy custody.
Cornelia was pregnant.
With my Elly's babies.
I could never murder the puppies' maternal grandfather.
I'm not some monster.
A litter of purebred Mastiff puppies is worth tens of thousands of dollars.
O-Oh, right.
Who else knew about the puppies? ["CONFIDENT" BY DEMI LOVATO PLAYING.]
LINDA: Oh, The Big Easy! - [CORK POPS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
It's time for me to take it I'm the boss right now Not gonna fake it Not when you go down 'Cause this is my game And you better come to play ELLA: Put them on, put them on.
Okay, okay.
Look.
"L'il Miss Can't Behave.
" LINDA: Oh, my gosh.
- Oh! - Gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
- Oh! Oh! - Maze.
Oh, don't worry, Decker, there's lots more where that came from.
- Really? - There really is.
Did you see that bar? Is it cool? What the hell is this? Uh, the best bachelorette party ever.
Hells yeah.
This bus really amped things up a notch! Yeah, and now I need you to de-notch.
Are you nuts? This is everything I ever dreamed of.
In genuine pleather.
Ella, I really need this wedding to happen.
That means no surprises, no problems, and definitely no drunken change of heart.
We all know Decker can't handle her booze.
I don't know.
She seems to be handling it just fine.
- [SQUEALING.]
- ELLA: Yeah! Looks like marrying ol' reliable is letting her bust out her inner Lucifer.
Yeah? And we all know he isn't the marrying kind.
Come on, Maze, it's one night.
Just let her have some fun.
What could possibly go wrong? [TIRES SCREECH.]
Ah, ha, ha [MEN WHOOPING.]
No! [CHEERING.]
[WHOOPING.]
Charlotte, what is happening? I agreed to waive the charges on the Malibu State water polo team if they agreed to wave some other things.
[LAUGHS.]
- Amazing.
- Right? Yeah! What's wrong with being, what's wrong With being confident? Ah, ha, ha.
DAN: The Barkley.
Owned by Dr.
Valerie Haynes, veterinarian to the stars and the SoCal Dog Show.
Apparently, every canine contestant is required to be examined by Dr.
Valerie before they can actually compete, which means She definitely would have known Cornelia was pregnant.
And she would have been at the crime scene.
No, I still don't think this is working.
[SIGHS.]
Agree.
- And I think it's my fault.
- Also agree.
See, the problem is, we rarely work this closely together, you and I.
And you can't be expected to just know the delicate detective-consultant chemistry.
So I think you clearly need an intensive hands-on tutelage on how to be me.
- That, I don't agree with.
- Excellent.
Uh, you might want to take some notes.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hello there.
Uh, we would love to see Dr.
Valerie, if possible.
[CHUCKLES.]
VALERIE: I can assure you I know nothing about any murder.
Over puppies? I mean, who would do such a thing? DAN: Well, the rent in this part of town is pretty hefty.
And those puppies were extremely valuable, especially on the black market.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You think I need money? Imagine how much people spend on their kids.
Peanuts compared to what they spend on their pets.
Trust me, I have more than I could ever want.
Oh.
Do you, now? Watch and learn.
Surely, there must be something that you desire.
I Mm.
I'm Mm-hmm.
I'm really all good.
Come now, there's really nothing you want deep, deep down? I want the miracle of birth.
Trying to solve a murder here, love, but I'm sure you can find someone to help you with that.
Eventually.
You don't mean for you, do you? [WHINES SOFTLY.]
Of course I took the dog when I had the chance.
Do you know how little I get paid? All the missed holidays? Dr.
Valerie spends most of her time in Hawaii.
So I took Cornelia and I hid her here.
And when Francis tried to stop you, you, what, killed him? No! I was backstage, but he was already dead.
Cornelia was frantic.
She came to me.
She's very particular, and she knew that I would take care of her.
By selling her precious babies? I know it was wrong, but I was gonna return her right after she gave birth.
[SCOFFS.]
Look, I'm not a killer.
I swear.
[SIGHS.]
They never are, are they? Well, given motive and lack of alibi, you leave me with no choice but to follow my trusty detective gut and arrest you for the murder of Francis Hoffman.
Tag her and bag her.
[HUFFS.]
Well, suspect apprehended.
Canine found.
And that is how it's done, Daniel.
I don't care - [WHOOPS.]
- I love it I don't care [LAUGHS.]
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, my gosh.
That's definitely one way to sober up.
Charlotte.
Oh, Charlotte, hi.
Gettin' your groove on? [CHUCKLES.]
My groove is on pause lately.
But forget about me.
This night is all you.
I got to say, it's nice forgetting about the wedding stress for once.
Why stress? It's all exciting! And so bold.
First Dan, now Pierce? Marrying a second guy from your office? But screw the professional optics, right? You have a type.
When you know, you know.
MAN: Whoa! What are you doing? Whoa! ELLA: Um, is it just me or are we short a couple of giant hot dudes? [GRUNTS.]
- [HORN HONKS.]
- Maze! What are you doing? - [GRUNTS.]
- Hey! I liked that guy! He smelled like chlorine and butterscotch fudge.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
I am five-feet-nothing of coiled live wire, Maze.
This means war! ELLA: Linda, Linda, Linda, Linda, please! Maybe we can circle back and-and then pick him up again.
While we're on the topic, I would love some relationship advice.
From me? Well, I'm not an expert.
Clearly.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't know.
I mean, your faith in some pretty ruinous odds is truly inspiring.
Did you know that L.
A.
has one of the highest divorce rates - in all of the U.
S.
? - Does it? - Yeah.
- Really? My plan has nothing to do with you.
It is for Chloe.
I want to get her exactly what she wants.
Pierce.
Married.
To her.
No drama.
Yeah.
Totally agree! - [GRUNTS.]
- Total lack of drama starting right now! [CHUCKLES.]
Cupid Maze? Altruism? Pearls? No way.
People get married now multiple times.
LINDA: You're up to something! - I mean [SIGHS.]
- LINDA: Tell me! I suppose there's nothing stopping you from getting married again - after Pierce.
- Charlotte, I know you're not trying to freak Chloe out, but it kind of seems like you're getting in her head.
- You really think so? - Wait, are you trying to freak her out on purpose? Uh - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Let's go.
Bring it.
[WHISTLES.]
Stop the freaking bus! [TIRES SCREECH.]
Everyone but Chloe out! Now! I love it.
You know, we could've sent the dog back with the rest of the guys.
Nonsense.
The detective would never allow a pregnant lady to ride in the back of a filthy police van.
How very sensitive of her.
[SIGHS.]
: Yes.
And so predictable.
I mean, how can the detective's actions be so easy to replicate and yet so hard to decipher? I still have absolutely no clue as to why she said yes to Pierce.
Not to point fingers, Daniel, but I do wish you'd tried harder to be, well, me.
If you weren't so afraid all the bloody time I am not afraid.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Oh.
Oh, really? You say you're giving Charlotte time and space because it's what she wants, but we both know you're using it as an excuse - to avoid telling her what you want.
- Fine.
Okay.
Yeah.
Maybe maybe I'm not great at admitting what I want.
And maybe it wouldn't kill me to - Lucifer it up every now and then.
- Mm.
But when it comes to understanding people, I'm not taking any pointers from you, man.
In fact, I think you're the one who's afraid.
Excuse me? The reason you won't ask Chloe why she's marrying Pierce is because you're scared to hear the answer.
- [CHUCKLES.]
That's absurd.
- [CHUCKLES.]
: No.
That's why you're playing all these stupid little head games.
Which aren't gonna work, by the way.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Because, first off, you're only thinking about Chloe as her job.
I mean, you don't even call her by her name.
Which is Chloe, not "the detective.
" It's endearing.
[LAUGHS.]
: Oh, come on.
You believe this guy, Cornelia? [BARKS SOFTLY.]
Chloe is so much more than work, man.
She's a friend.
She's a devoted parent to Trixie.
- She's the most amazing human being I've - Daniel.
You ignorant, fearful genius you're right.
Really? Indeed.
To truly understand the detective's motivations, I need to experience the full spectrum of her life.
- Okay.
- So what I need is a defenseless, barely verbal creature who depends entirely on me - for her every need.
- What are you talking about? I need a Trixie.
I Hello.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Uh, ew.
- ELLA: Maze, what part of co-hosting a bachelorette party did you not understand? Hey, nobody asked me about any damn bus! LINDA: Yeah, so you throw my next best chance for a sex life off it? - And, you, why are you freaking Chloe out? - MAZE: Yeah, I should never have invited her.
I was trying to help! You know, a little prenuptial conflict is healthy.
It's better to get it out of the system.
Oh, you want conflict? Done! Okay, ladies, please.
- There's still time to fix this, okay? - Come on, Maze.
Two words: matching tattoos.
What? Fake tattoos.
Fake.
Pierce tipped me off - Pierce was looking into fake tattoos? - Yeah.
I mean, he made me promise not to tell anyone But you know what? Lying bastard! Where is Maze going? Bigger problem, girls.
Where'd Chloe go? Oh LUCIFER: No, sit, child.
Oh, goodness me.
Sitzen.
Oh, my goodness.
This is ridiculous.
I mean, at least the detective's human dependent can be bribed with chocolate and cash.
But apparently, chocolate's toxic for Ms.
Picky here.
And she ate my wallet.
- What is that smell? And why is there - Hmm? - Crime scene tape all around my desk? - Because trust me, Daniel, Cornelia committed a very serious infraction over there.
- [WHINES SOFTLY.]
- Children are so needy I mean, you wouldn't understand, but being a single parent is exhausting.
Dude, it's been an hour.
Well, in dog years, that's an eternity.
Yeah, well, your parenting days are over, okay? Francis's husband Frederick is here.
LUCIFER: Frederick! Oh.
Good to see you again.
What a pity.
We were just bonding.
Thank you, Detectives.
I had no idea she was pregnant.
Now I can start to rebuild our family.
Well, if you just, uh, sign the release form, and she's all yours.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
There's my good girl.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Ah - [WHINING.]
- Girl Oh, poor baby.
She's clearly feeling the strain.
Cornelia? Come.
Bye, child.
I'll really Good-bye.
Right, now, that's Where's he gone? WOMAN [OVER SPEAKER.]
: How you doing there, hon? C Can you see me? I see a lot of things on this bus.
Looks like something's eating at you.
[SIGHS.]
Well, it just it all happened so fast, and everyone's wondering why I said yes, and I-I'm wondering the same thing myself.
I don't know, m-maybe I thought that marrying a a safe, steady guy would somehow change me into a different person, and that-that maybe this new, spontaneous me would-would somehow inspire the the person that I still am.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, are you married? 17 years.
He's my everything.
Hopefully, your guy is, too.
[SIGHS SOFTLY.]
[QUIETLY.]
: How does she even do this? Well, that's odd.
Cornelia's prenatal examination was signed by Frederick, but he said he didn't know about the pregnancy.
And the signature's a match.
Which means he lied.
Ergo he's most likely the killer.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well done, Detective! Well well done, Detective.
- Get in here, you stupid mutt.
- [WHINING.]
Come on! - Is that how you treat a pregnant lady? - What the? - How did you get in here? - I had a hunch you were the killer.
When your "fur baby" wouldn't go to you.
Cornelia only goes to people she trusts.
Not killers.
Only question now is: why, Frederick? I'm more than happy to discuss this with you after I tend to Cornelia.
- [WHINES.]
- [SIGHS.]
Listen.
You got to understand, a dog is supposed to be man's best friend, not man's best replacement.
Do you know what it's like to be kicked out of your own bed by a dog?! But I could never get up the nerve to just tell Francis what I wanted.
You were scared of what the answer could be.
Then I found out about the puppies.
Six more reasons for him to neglect me.
And we fought and he fell, and he hit his head.
It was an accident.
Why don't you just put the gun down.
Come back to the station and tell your side of the story.
I should've just shot the dog! But it's so hard to kill a creature with such intelligence in its eyes.
[DOOR CRASHES OPEN.]
LAPD! Wha? Ah.
There you are.
[CHUCKLES.]
Typical.
You leave me with the paperwork and run off alone.
No thought of danger, no thought of protocol You really don't see the irony, do you? All I see, Daniel, is that I can't rely on you as my partner.
So perhaps I should find someone steady, someone responsible, someone who can actually be there for me.
[EXHALES.]
: Oh.
Oh.
I get it now.
MAZE: So you thought I wouldn't find out your mark is fake.
You know, for a guy who's lived for a million years, you're a real dumbass.
Shh.
She's asleep.
Can't use the kid as a human shield forever, Cain.
Maybe not tonight [WHISPERS.]
: but I am coming for you.
[DOORKNOB RATTLING.]
[KEYS JINGLE.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey.
You're here.
Why isn't Trixie at her sleepover? I stopped by to check on her, and she wanted to come home.
Um about all this wedding stuff It's way too overwhelming.
- Yeah, I agree.
It's, uh, it's-it's - Yeah.
Listen, let's forget about the whole "big event" thing, okay? Life is too short.
- Too short, yeah.
- Yeah.
Let's elope.
We don't need the whole circus.
It's about you and me.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
And-and-and that's why I I can't marry you.
I'm sorry, Marcus.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Dan.
Are you okay? Uh I don't know.
Got a lot of things on my mind.
Could be kind of serious.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Tell me about it.
I am whew Seriously wondering why I said yes to that fifth shot of tequila.
[EXHALES.]
What is it? Charlotte, I know that, um we've been keeping things kind of loose, and I said that you could use your space.
And if that's what you want if that's what you truly want, then I respect that.
But I never told you what I want.
I want you.
All in.
The whole deal.
So, um so there.
Okay.
Really? Ah.
Detective.
Good.
You're back.
I am.
Yeah.
Excellent, because well, there's a few things I need to say.
- Hmm.
- You see, I've, um well, I I've actually learned something for once.
Oh.
No ring.
[SIGHS.]
Yep, no ring.
Oh.
So, you were saying you learned something? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh.
Oh, it's nothing.
Nothing.
Completely irrelevant.
Right.
Well a new case just dropped, so I was thinking Back to work? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Back to work.
- After you.
- Thank you.
- Shall we take my car? - Yes.
[LUCIFER SPEAKS SOFTLY.]