Mad About You s03e22 Episode Script

(EXCLAIMS) You okay? I need you to kiss me like no man has ever been kissed.
Nah.
I've been kissed like that.
Done that, too.
All right.
Come here.
All right then.
* Tell me why I love you like I do * Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * Let's take each other's hand * As we jump into the final frontier * I'm mad about you, baby * Yeah! PAUL: All right, close your eyes.
Honey, I don't have time for this.
I understand.
Close your eyes.
My eyes are closed.
All right.
Now open them.
Why are you dressed like that? I told you, I'm doing this piece on the milkman.
What milkman? The Milkman, Pete, the last milkman in New York.
It's like the Mohican, but with milk.
He makes you wear that? Not making me.
I'm gonna be on the truck with him all week.
So it makes him feel better.
All week? Well, every night.
Why didn't you tell me? I did.
Really? Possibly.
Oh, great.
What is the problem? Oh, I just wish you'd said something last night.
We could've had sex or a conversation or something.
Well, I got two minutes.
Well, you know, not even enough time for a conversation.
But, you know what? Hey, I'm actually serious.
What? I'll see you-- I'll see you during the daytime.
I have meetings all week.
So, like tomorrow.
How about tomorrow at breakfast? I have my presentation.
You want to have dinner Wednesday? I can't.
I'm in film lab.
How about Thursday? Fran and I seeing the rug people.
I saw that.
With Vincent Price.
Yeah, that was good.
They're clients.
So Friday.
I have school.
The weekend? I'm editing.
Well, we've had four great years.
Thanks for everything.
Let me see.
Tuesday.
Next Tuesday, like 5:00, 5:00 to 6:00.
Pizza.
You and me.
Pizza.
Yippee.
There you go.
How am I even gonna know it's you? Because I'll be the guy who goes like this.
It's hard to resist a man in uniform, isn't it? Mmm-hmm.
Please, don't do that.
Good, huh? Mmm-hmm.
You know how many pancakes we sell here at Ralphy's every year? Ralphy, well, I can sure see why.
All right, try my clams now.
You know what? We're just so darn anxious to get down to business.
Fran and I have worked up some ideas.
I was thinking that we should wait till the kid comes in.
What kid? This kid I hired to do some graphics.
Come on, eat up.
They're double fried.
Okey-dokey.
Mmm.
Mmm.
ALAN: Hey, Ralphy.
Oh, there he is.
Al.
FRAN: Oh, God.
Uh, Alan Tofsky, this is Jamie.
Alan.
Hi.
You two know each other? Yeah.
Oh, sure.
We've, uh, we've worked together before.
And stuff.
Hi, Fran.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Hey, you want a lobster? Sure.
Sure.
Good.
Have a seat.
So, how are you? Good.
Me, too.
Good.
Hey, my-- my comic book's getting published this week.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
The advance word's been incredible.
They're already talking about animated series, and action figures, and trading cards.
I can't believe you did this.
I--I I didn't know.
Yeah.
Just like you didn't know about that time we were supposed to feed Jim and Bonita's cat.
I told you, I never got that message.
Yeah, that doesn't bring the cat back, does it? I can't believe you're still carrying that around.
All right.
Heads or tails? What are you talking about? Well, obviously, you two can't work together.
Alan, call it.
Fran, we're fine.
Eat some clams.
I'm not carrying anything around.
Good.
Good.
How's Ken? Who? Your husband Paul.
Paul.
How's-- How's Paul? He's-- He's wonderful.
How's Maria? My maid? Whatever.
How is she? She's fine.
Give me the pie.
Okay.
What have you kids got for me? All righty.
We've focused the campaign on you, Ralphy.
We believe that the more you personalize a campaign, the more people will feel comfortable coming to your place for dinner.
So we put your face out there.
People know you and they-- they like you.
What? What? You're breathing.
Yeah.
Never mind.
Okay.
Anyway, Howard Johnson, Colonel Sanders, Ralphy Okay, nobody hears that but me? I have sinuses.
Yeah, it's funny how they only flare up when he has something to say.
I don't-- I don't have anything to say.
Guys.
Okay.
Never mind.
So I would just, maybe, consider perhaps going a slightly different way.
What way? Well A puppy.
A puppy? Exactly.
Yeah.
We want it to say Ralphy.
Well, he could say Ralphy.
He's a dog.
How can he say Ralphy? I don't know.
R-r-r-ralphy! Ralphy! What? What? Guys.
I just don't see why Ralphy can't say Ralphy? Ralphy can say Ralphy.
I just think it might be better "Ralphy!" Okay.
Let's leave it up to Ralphy.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Uh, whatever you kids decide.
I'm gonna go get you some beets.
And some pudding? Yeah, not pudding.
How about pudding? (YAWNING) (ALARM CLOCK RINGING) Good morning.
I don't feel rested at all.
How was your filming? Milky.
What time you want me to set the alarm for tonight? I got to be back at the dairy at 6:00.
How are you gonna do this all week? It's easy.
Sleep till dinner, and that feels like breakfast.
Then I shoot till sunrise, that feels like twilight.
I come home for breakfast, that feels like dinner.
And I watch a little Regis, feels like Leno.
And that works? No.
I'll be dragging my ass all week.
Hey, dig me.
I'm Arlene Francis.
Good night.
Good night.
(EXHALES) So, a funny thing happened last night.
(LOUDER) So, a funny thing happened last night.
What? I ran into Alan.
Alan--Alan He-who-came-before-me Alan? Mmm-hmm.
Huh.
Turns out one of my clients hired him to do some graphic design, so we're gonna be working together.
Ah, that's funny, huh? You don't have a problem with that? What? Just want to make sure you're okay with that.
Sure.
Really? Yeah.
Because if you do have a problem All right.
Just look me in the eye and tell me you don't have a problem with it.
I don't have a problem with that.
Why not? Because I love you, and I trust you, and I haven't slept in 42 hours.
All right.
All right.
I was just checking.
All right.
Pizza.
Tuesday.
I will be there.
All right.
Should I have a problem with this? Thank you.
Okay.
Ralphy's (BARKING) Or Ralphy's? Where you gonna eat? What about Chinese food? That's not an option.
Chinese sounds good.
Would you just answer the question? I like the dog.
I like the bald guy.
FRAN: Come on, you guys, why don't we use them both? That's a good idea.
We'll just forget the dog.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, it was worth a shot.
Can you just give it a try? Well, I'll go start up some drawings.
All right, I'll write up the copy.
I'm gonna go lie down.
See, we're doing great.
Hey, we're doing fine.
I'll call you later.
All right.
See, would you like to admit that you were wrong? LISA: About what? Me and Alan.
We are working together beautifully.
Yeah, just like Fishy and Mr.
Carmen.
Who? My guppies.
One minute they're swimming around like the happiest little pals on earth, next thing you know, Fishy is bashing Mr.
Carmen's face into the castle.
When did you get fish? That's not the point.
There's a point? Yeah, you guys are a walking time bomb.
Lisa, that's not true.
Tick tick tick tick.
We are completely different people now.
Our lives are totally different.
I have my life.
He has his.
I have my business.
He has his comic book.
I have Paul.
He has no one.
What comic book? Uh, Mega something.
Hold on just a cotton pickin' minute.
Alan is Alan Tofsky? Yeah.
Mega Void Alan Tofsky? That's it.
Wow.
What? My friend Mikey over at Mikey's says that it's gonna be huge.
What's Mikey's? It's a comic book joint over on 6th.
Would they have this thing there now? If there's any left.
James, I'm telling you, it's like they're saying bigger than X-Men.
All right.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go buy a copy, have it framed and give it to Alan as a present.
What do you say to that? Tick tick tick tick.
Oh, fine.
Hey, I'll walk you over.
Hey, what about me? What about you? I don't know.
You know, I heard the real Spider-Man died in Vietnam.
What real Spider-Man? Why do you always question me? Hey, hey, hey, look at this.
I told you it was big.
Good for him.
Ira.
Hey, Mikey.
James, Lisa, this is Mikey.
Hello.
Yeah.
We've met, haven't we? I don't think so.
Huh.
Do you know where we can we find Mega Void? First rack.
Next to The Vulcans, right? Thanks.
You know, we got Alan Tofsky in for a signing tomorrow.
Yeah.
Good for you.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, Jughead, what have you done now? I have nephews.
IRA: Look at this.
Mega Void One, Talon Emerges From Her Crypt.
Who's Talon? Huh? Near as I can tell, the evil queen of the universe.
Let me see.
No, it's not that hot.
Hey, let's go get Chinese.
Chinese.
That sounds good.
What is the matter with you two? Hey, look at this.
Oh.
Wow.
I know.
Queen Talon.
She's just evil.
That's got to hurt.
I mean, all he did was ask not to be used as breeding stock.
This is not good.
Tell me about it.
Here's what I think.
I'm her husband.
You're her best friend.
So? So, I'm gonna leave town (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) and you call me the minute she's over this.
Forget about it.
Why would she wear a bathing suit to an execution? That's not a bathing suit, it's a thing.
It's like a combination breastplate, force field kind of You know, thongy thing.
It's functional, yet fabulous.
Hi.
Hi.
How you doing? Great.
Oh, you saw it.
Yeah.
Aren't I evil? Well, I wouldn't say evil exactly.
Honey, come on.
I mean, a little testy maybe.
Please, I'm pretty bad.
You know what, sweetie? I got recognized at school today.
Really? All the way across the quad.
"Talon, Talon, Talon!" You aren't bothered by this? No.
There was that one sophomore I dismembered, but what the heck, a girl's got to eat.
Guys, come on.
I'm kidding.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I wonder how Cat Woman's husband would deal with this.
Talk to her! Sweetie? You know what? You seem a little upset.
What did I just say? Yeah, all right.
Very good.
Do you-- Do you want me to go hit this guy? Oh, for what? Was the Mona Lisa upset at Da Vinci? Granted she never crushed a planet between her thighs, but, then again, how do I know that? Maybe she did.
Maybe that's why she was smiling.
Honey, it's a joke.
I'm fine.
If I weren't fine, could I be this funny? Okay, here's what.
Alan always had to have the last word, and this is it.
He didn't always have to publish it, but if this is what he had to, this is what he had to do.
I'm fine.
Do we have any yogurt? I think we're all out.
How can we be "out"? I thought you were a milkman.
You go.
You go.
(GROANS) Okay, sweetie, don't do this What? The "fine" thing.
I've seen this on you.
It's not pretty.
All right, what would you like me to do? Just, like, a-admit that you're angry.
No, no.
I'm not gonna give him the satisfaction.
Yeah, but he ain't here, and I'm the one in the path of unpleasantries.
Well, excuse me for trying to take the high ground.
What high ground? The high ground.
Hey, babe, you have webbed feet.
Only when I need them.
Okay, still.
I--I--I don't think it's a compliment.
It could be.
How? Because I say so and I can melt you.
All right.
Hey, don't eat now.
Why not? What day is it? Tuesday.
What time is it? I don't know.
It's 4:45.
Yeah.
So? So? Pizza date.
Oh, I'm really not in the mood.
Too bad.
We wrote it down.
Come on, want to call Carbone's? No.
That delivery guy always wants to use our bathroom.
What is that about? You know, I'm just gonna run down to the corner and pick it up.
All right, I'll put on way too much cologne.
I'll be back in 10 minutes.
All right.
Fran, she's fine.
Really? No, but it's your turn.
Fran, you want to walk me to the corner? Sure.
Hey, James.
How you doing? Good.
We're just running Pap, pap, pap, pap, pap.
One thing, all right? It's totally up to you.
But, I was talking to this buddy of mine, who does these, like, these comic book conventions, right? And again, totally up to you.
But, if we wanted to make extra money, you know I mean, just, you now, taking your picture with the people.
Stuff like that No.
Totally up to you.
I know.
I know.
Easy money.
Really easy I think you should move.
Okay, so you'll think about it.
Maybe you should just go talk to Alan.
I'm not gonna give him the satisfaction.
He wasn't home.
Come on, honey.
Hank, come on.
(SCREAMS) You coming or not? Do me a favor, talk to him.
Get it off your chest.
Which chest? My little human chest or my big, huge Mega Void chest? James.
Where is this thing? Paul has to leave by 6:00.
Hello, excuse me.
Hey! What? Vinnie, come look at this! How much do I owe you? Who does she remind you of? I don't know.
Come on.
Look.
Hey! Okay, here's a $20.
Uncle Angelo, get out here! Can I get my change? And bring the camera! You know, I got a space open.
Right between Alan Alda and Brenda Vaccaro.
Hey, look, it's Talon.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Where are you going? To destroy my creator.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Just excuse me.
Sorry.
Excuse me for one second.
Hey, lady, there's a line.
I know, I just have to Oh! Sorry, your majesty.
Go ahead.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Uh, A-Alan.
Hey, you're here.
Yeah.
Listen.
Obviously you No, no, no.
I mean, no, that's a really cool gesture.
What? Oh, when you think of where we were five years ago, or even last week, and now you're coming to my signing.
I mean, good for us, huh? Good for who? Whom.
Don't do that! You always did that to me.
Do you have any idea how annoying that is? All right, what's the matter with you? What's the matter with me? Yeah.
Thanks for coming.
What's the matter with me? Yeah.
Hi.
What's your name? Hey.
This.
This is the matter with me.
What? What? This.
Her.
Her.
She looks a little like you.
Yeah, that seems to be the consensus.
Hmm.
What do you make of that? Alan, please! This whole comic is like our relationship but in outer space! Where do you get that? Are you kidding? Right here! Okay.
That time that we went to pick up the rent-a-car, and found out you forgot to make the reservation.
And you screamed at me in front of that little family from Georgia? Fine.
So then, we turn to page 14.
"The Centurian general forgets to fetch Talon's scepter, "and she peels back the layers of his brain!" Hi.
I don't see it.
Okay, great.
Then there's that time on the subway when I simply requested that you stop humming.
Terrific.
Now, we turn to page 36.
"Talon rips out the tongue of her slave "for singing out of tune.
" Oh.
Sure, yeah.
How could I miss that? Are you kidding me? It's all here! I take a drink of your orange juice at some diner, she sucks the life force from his soul.
I accidently burn a little hole in your sweater, she destroys the planet Cardigan! Face it, Alan.
You always had to have the last word.
Well, you know what? You can't.
The last word was goodbye.
I said it to you five years ago.
I'm saying it again now.
Please try to remember it this time.
Goodbye.
No, no, no.
See that? You're not following.
I say goodbye, not you.
Goodbye.
Okay.
I said goodbye.
See ya.
Goodbye, Alan.
Take care.
Goodbye.
Ladies and gentlemen, Queen Talon.
Move out.
Move out.
(SCREAMS) Where did you go? You've been gone, like, two hours.
Let me ask you something.
Tell me the truth.
Do you think I'm evil? No.
Where is the pizza? What? Oh.
I don't know.
They were out.
Really.
I won't be mad.
When you think about me, do you think I'm basically good or basically wicked? The-- The first thing you said.
What do you mean they were out? They were out.
Of pizza? Yeah.
The pizza place was out of pizza? Yeah.
How could a pizza place They just were.
So in no way do you see me as any kind of malevolent force of destruction? What're you doing to yourself? I've just am thinking about Alan and-- and when I was with him, and I don't know, maybe I was a little bit like that.
I don't know you with him, I only know you with me.
And? I like you.
Okay? Okay.
All right.
So, you go into the pizza place, you say, "I'd like to buy a pizza" You have to let this go.
See, this is what I'm 'Cause now I have a hankering for pizza, I'm all worked up for pizza, I have no pizza.
Although.
Look how smart I am.
You got your English muffins, you got your cheese, you got your tomato sauce.
Honey, what are you doing? We're gonna improvise a little pizza.
It's after 6:00.
I know.
But we had a date.
You have your filming.
It's all right.
The milk will keep.
Besides, I'd rather be with you.
Really? Yeah.
Now, here's what you do.
It's all in the flipping.
That's what makes the pizza, see? (SCATTING) You sing a song, a folk tune of some sort.
(SCATTING) (JAMIE LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY) (JAMIE'S VOICE) All right.
The party's over.
Bye-bye.
(ALAN'S VOICE) See? What? Tell me that wasn't evil.
I'm not evil.
Face it, babe, you got a nasty streak.
Actually, I'm sensitive (EXCLAIMING) Caring Insightful Ambitious, but not obnoxiously so.
Fun.
Patient.
Do you realize how annoying that is? What? What am I doing? You know, I like you better when you're passive-aggressive.
(SCREAMING) You're overreacting! Now, who am I gonna have dinner with? (PAUL'S VOICE) So, you through? Don't incur my wrath.
(CLINKING) Oh, yeah.
I'm real scared.
Hey, don't you want to get out of that thing? Don't touch the armor.
You know, you're really rather cute.
I'm not cute.
I'm evil.
Not on my planet, babe.
How did you do that? Nothing to it.
So, let me understand this.
You walk into the pizza place You have to let this go.
Yeah.
I Well, let me ask her.
My mother wants to know, why would you destroy the Province of Rivers if you knew that they had all the Zargon? Because Zargon is useless without a silver key.
There you go.
You hear that? Zargon is useless without a silver key.
Let me ask her.
Okay.
Is it true that your ability to morph was actually a gift from King Bannick? I've never even met King Bannick.
It's just a rumor.
She never met him.
She never She says She just told me.
'Cause rumors Look, you know how rumors are.
Rumors just No, King Bannick