Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e22 Episode Script

Okay, attention, everybody.
I wouId Iike to propose a toast to Mr.
BickIey on his birthday.
Happy birthday, Mr.
BickIey.
WeII, thank you.
Happy Bickday, Birth.
My coIIeagues and moi have created the worId's first Mork-O-Gram.
utiIising the Ietters of your name.
Ready? B is for the buddy that you've aIways been to me.
I is for the iIIusions you shattered.
Like when you toId me the Easter bunny has rabies.
C is for cake.
When do we eat? Why isn't this working out Iike I pIanned? AII right, Morkettes.
PIan B.
Happy 50, Bicky.
That's terrific.
WouId the Morkettes Iike a piece of cake? No, thanks, Mindy.
The moment was enough for me.
Come on, IittIe munchkins.
I'II bring some cake to you at the day-care centre tomorrow.
You'd better, buster, or I just may forget I'm a Iady.
That was reaIIy sweet of those IittIe girIs.
Thanks, Mork.
I didn't have the heart to teII them I was onIy 49.
Forty-nine? Wait a minute.
We caIIed your son Tom, and he said you were 50.
Oh, he confuses me with PauI Newman.
Look, I'II show you my driver's Iicense.
That wiII prove concIusiveIy that I'm reaIIy onIy There, you s Oh, my God, I am 50.
WeII, weIcome to the haIf-century cIub.
So we're 50, so what? At 50, our Iives are just beginning.
Yes, if you were a tortoise, you'd be just a baby.
And if you were an eIephant, you'd be a teenager.
And if you were a dog, you'd be dead.
I feeI Iike I've Iost a whoIe year.
I mean, I'm 50.
AII those things I've never done.
- What kind of things? - You know, stuff you put off.
Like, weII, I've never read the entire BibIe.
I've never seen the Grand Canyon or Niagara FaIIs.
You know what reaIIy gets me? I never toId my son the facts of Iife.
- How oId is he? - Twenty-seven.
WeII, he's probabIy stiII up.
Why don't you give him a caII? I'II bet he's with some girI, wondering what to do.
Nobody ever had to teII me the facts of Iife.
- Guys know, right, Mork? - Hey, yo, yo, yo.
Let's face it.
I'm an oId man.
So many things I shouId've done and didn't do.
Opportunity raced by and Ieft me sniffing its exhaust.
Come on, Mr.
BickIey.
Don't be so hard on yourseIf.
I mean, regrets have nothing to do with age.
We aII have them.
You know, things we didn't do, things we shouId have done.
Oh, regrets.
I've had a few, but I've handIed them my way.
Oh, what couId you possibIy have to regret, you IittIe pixie pants? WeII, oh, bIess you.
WeII, the fact that, weII, my foot doesn't have a thumb, that my ears don't spin in the wind, that I'II never find out who RuIa Lenska was.
Hey, you know what might be reaIIy interesting tonight? If we aII shared our regrets with everybody eIse.
It'II heIp Mr.
BickIey.
And we'II aII get to know each other a Iot better.
Oh, pIease say yes.
I'm for anything that'II heIp poor oId Mr.
BickIey.
Mindy, it's your apartment.
Why don't you go first? It's aIways her apartment.
I Iive here too.
I onIy regret that I don't have her cIout.
Mindy, what is it that you regret most in your Iife? Oh, I'd reaIIy rather not go first.
You know, kind of shy and aII.
WouId anyone Iike some coffee? Oh, curiosity at her strange evasion.
WeII, then, I'II go first.
Why did I say that? This is going to be embarrassing.
Oh, go for it, Jeanie.
WeII What I most regret in Iife has to do with a man named Tony.
I remember him.
He was a big guy, aImost 5'8''.
He reaIIy knew how to taIk to me.
I was kind of quiet and shy, and I reaIIy didn't think very much of myseIf at the time.
But what I saw in Tony's eyes was so much nicer than anything I'd ever seen in my own mirror.
Can you imagine having somebody make you feeI that speciaI? How Iong did you and this Tony go together? Two months Before I found out he was married.
Married? You mean he was cheating on you? Now, wait a second, that guy, Tony, you dated him over a year.
- That's my regret.
- Oh, I can't beIieve this.
My IittIe sister pIaying Dallas in the Bronx.
- Mindy, wouId you Iike to go next? - Oh, I'd rather not.
You know, NeIson's dying to go next.
- He is? - Yeah.
I bet the onIy he regrets is his IittIe pink eyes can't stand this much Iight.
ActuaIIy, my biggest regret is that GIenda stiff-armed me at the drive-in Iast night.
I toId you, that's not where the popcorn dropped.
Come on, NeIson, there must be something in that aIbino souI of yours that you wanna Iet out of there.
Let it out, Iet it fIy.
Open up, open up, open up.
Yeah, make us cry.
WeII, there is something.
It's been haunting me for years.
- I was 1 5-- - That's a good one.
Who's next? And every morning, I'd take the bus to schooI, the Number 26 bus.
One morning, she gets on.
She had the prettiest bIond hair I'd ever seen, besides my own.
She took my breath away.
I watched her as she sat down.
About the same distance as Mork is sitting now.
Oh, reaIIy? Kind of Iike this? I couIdn't take my eyes off her.
I kept staring at her, thinking, ''I've gotta meet this person.
'' But before I couId think of how to approach her, the bus stopped and she got up to Ieave.
She passed in front of me on the way to the exit.
Excuse me.
She smiIed poIiteIy and Got off the bus.
My heart was pounding.
I wanted to meet her and get to know her so bad.
AII I had to do was foIIow her off the bus and say heIIo, but I just sat there.
The bus puIIed away.
I watched her through the window.
I saw her grow smaIIer and smaIIer in the distance.
There went my dream.
AII right, weII, now, who's gonna go next? Mindy? Oh, I'd reaIIy Iike to, but I have to get the ice cream for the cake.
I'II go warm up the ketchup.
Mind, Mind, I sense a certain aversion to airing your regret.
I mean, am I right, am I wrong? Why do I ask another question? There, I did it again, but Oh, Mork, it's just that it's very personaI.
I'd reaIIy rather teII you when we're aIone.
Our sense of intimacy grows.
WeII, ever since I was a IittIe girI, I wanted to be a dancer.
I aIways heard music in my head, and my body just seemed to wanna move to it.
I started with baIIet when I was about 5, and I just Ioved it so much.
And one day my father said to me, ''Where's the newspaper?'' And I said, ''Over there.
'' Then I feII on my tutu.
WeII, after the baIIet, there was tap and jazz and modern, and I just feIt so free.
And then RandoIph came into my Iife.
And, you know, he Ioved to dance just as much as I did.
I don't think our feet touched the ground for our entire marriage.
And then I was aIone.
And I haven't feIt Iike dancing since.
It's not right to cIose off a part of you, is it? GIenda Faye, wouId you dance with me? Oh, you mean now? WeII, I've got the music in me.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
No.
- Sure, come on.
- No, no.
Yeah, my dad's got a barn.
Come on.
- Come on.
- Oh, no.
Music, minstreI.
WeII, my regret is that women onIy want me for my body.
What? Wanna trade regrets? It's not funny, Mr.
BickIey.
It's a curse I've had to Iive with.
GirIs onIy see me as a pIaything.
I have a mind too, you know.
I don't beIieve this.
I mean, when I'm on a date, aII I hear is: ''Remo, make a muscIe.
Remo, make a muscIe.
'' You know how cheap this makes me feeI? Hey, Iook, at heart, I'm an oId-fashioned guy.
I don't know, these days, aII women wanna do is grope, grope, grope.
I'm tired of being a phone number passed around at the beauty parIour.
You understand, don't you, Mr.
McConneII? I want a reIationship.
I'm sorry, Remo, but he's aIready married.
I can't heIp that God buiIt me this way.
You know how it feeIs when a woman Iooks at my shirt, and then whispers to her girIfriend, ''I wonder if they're reaI''? Tragic.
I don't know, I just pray that somewhere, there's some woman sensitive enough to, I don't know, see beyond this cIassic sheII of a man.
I want her to discover the reaI Remo, to reach out for me.
I wanna be taIked to, I wanna be heId.
WeII, I'm sure there's someone out there somewhere.
I just hope she's buiIt.
Yo, yo, yo.
AII right, who hasn't spiIIed his guts yet? Let's see, I think it's Mr.
McConneII and Mindy.
Dad, wiII you go next? Come on, Pops, teII them about the time you were soId into baId sIavery.
WeII, there is something I've Iived with for quite some time.
Even Mindy doesn't know about it.
ReaIIy? What is it? It happened November 24th, 1 950.
In Korea.
It was Iate.
We were on patroI.
I remember trudging through the frozen mud in a miserabIe 5 beIow.
SuddenIy, the sky Iit up with incoming sheIIs, and we aII scattered into the woods.
I'd never seen trees broken off at the top before.
Or men either.
Now, the sheIIing stopped, and I was surrounded by an eerie siIence.
Just then, I heard the frozen mud crunch behind me.
I Iooked around, and I saw somebody charging me with a fixed bayonet.
Before he couId get to me, I raised my rifIe and I shot him.
And he fIew back into a sheII hoIe, dead.
Mindy, I kiIIed a man.
Oh, but, Dad, you had to.
He wouId've kiIIed you.
He was the enemy, UncIe Fred.
When he's three feet away, he's another human being.
The Iook on his face as his Iife Ieft him There are nights when I stiII see it.
I just wish I didn't have to puII that trigger.
If you didn't, Fred, you wouIdn't be here with us.
Yeah, and you never wouId've had Mindy.
Mork, you're right.
Yeah, and I wouId probabIy be Iiving with Mr.
BickIey.
Then I'd reaIIy have a regret to share with you aII.
My, some of these regrets are heavy.
You know, but they make me feeI so much cIoser to aII of you tonight.
It feeIs reaIIy very good.
I never knew exposing myseIf was such a warm experience.
WeII, it's been an interesting party, but it's past my bedtime.
Hey, wait a minute.
Mindy, you haven't toId us your regret.
- Come on, Iet's go.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Come on.
- Yeah, Mindy, come on.
No, no, no.
She has no regrets.
She's Ied a perfect Iife, thanks to me and her Lady Remington.
Come on, Mindy.
WeII, you see, I reaIIy can't - The door.
The door.
- Regrettus interruptus.
Oh, no.
- Mork, is that you? - It's me, Exidor.
No, I'm Exidor, you're Mork.
- Who is that? - Exidor, the town Ioon.
I resent that, CurIy.
I don't Iive in town.
I'm a VaIIey guy.
I bring bad news, Mork.
It's not going to be easy.
I'd better sit down.
I just got back from the doctor.
- Which doctor? - ExactIy.
He toId me in SwahiIi I've onIy got 41 years to Iive.
Here's his note describing my condition.
''Your mama.
'' For goodness' sakes, Exidor, Easy for you to say, cue baII, you've got your heaIth.
I'm about to punch out.
That's why I pIan to spend my Iast waning moments here in this house, with my dearest friends.
Imagine our excitement.
I'II just Iie down unobtrusiveIy.
AII of you vitaI peopIe just go on with whatever you were doing.
Okay, Mindy, what are your regrets? What? Remo, there is a man in a robe Iying on us.
I couIdn't heIp overhearing.
What's this garbage about regrets? We're teIIing each other things we regret the most.
Oh, I've got one.
Besides the fact that Whitey here's got boney knees.
You know, Mork, I've been feeIing reaIIy down in the dumps since my wife Ieft me.
You must've been awfuIIy shocked when she bit through the Ieash and got away.
I was feeIing reaIIy Iow there for a whiIe.
I even Iet my appearance go.
And then, as fate wouId have it, I became attached to another woman.
DeepIy attached.
My regret is that I haven't toId her my feeIings.
Oh, weII, then by aII means, go and teII her now.
ShouId I, Mork? ShouId I run to her and risk rejection, not to mention mono? Yes, yes.
Go to her.
Let your heart fIy Iike a moth into a bIowtorch.
I Iove you, my sweet.
I wanna have your baby! Oh, no.
No way, not me.
I see.
Goodbye, Whitey, Shorty, CurIy.
You too, Perky.
You know, Mork, you're the onIy one here with a normaI name.
WeII, I hate to admit it, but this has been the best 50-year-oId birthday party I've ever had.
And you've aII heIped me Iearn something here tonight.
Age has nothing to do with regrets.
I can do aII those things I've aIways wanted to do starting tomorrow.
Who the heII's stopping me? - Right, yeah.
- Come on.
But tonight, I need my rest.
I've got 50 years of Iiving starting tomorrow.
Come on, Frankie, Iet's see if we can beat these kids to the door.
- Come on.
- WeII, the guest of honour is Ieaving.
It doesn't take the roof to faII in on my head.
I know the party's over.
Sorry I didn't get to hear your regret, Mindy.
- Oh, it'II keep.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Good night.
- Bye, thanks for coming.
Thank you.
- ReaI nice to have friends, huh? - Yeah.
- See you.
- Bye, Remo.
Yo, yo, yo.
AII right, Mind, you can teII me now.
What was your regret? Come on, now.
Come on, come on, come on.
Okay, okay, Iet me sit down.
My regret is that my mother had to die before she got a chance to meet you.
See, I couIdn't say that in front of everybody, because then I'd have to expIain that I wanted her to know everything about you, and WeII, the fact I came from another pIanet and everything.
Yeah.
And that you're as cIose to me as she was.
And that you're the most important thing in my Iife.
DeepIy moved.
Oh, my mom wouId've Iiked you, Mork, I just know it.
- I wouId've Iiked her too.
- Yeah.
I know what I wouId've said to her too.
- You do? - Sure.
HeIIo, Mrs.
McConneII.
That's my way of saying shaIom.
No, ma'am, I don't Iive around here, I Iive here.
With Mindy, yes, ma'am.
WeII, we're very cIose.
No, no, no, not that cIose.
I don't even know what that is.
You see, ma'am, I'm a creature from another pIanet.
You know: You know, Iike Alien.
Except that I'm cuter, and I don't skitter across the fIoor Iike that.
Oh, yes, ma'am, I'm singIe.
You know, if it wasn't for Mindy taking in strays, I wouId never have a pIace to be.
I just wanna thank you for bringing her into this worId.
Do I Iove her? WeII I wanna give her everything I have and spend the rest of my Iife with her.
Is that Iove? You know, it's kind of funny that I had to come miIIions of miIes to find something deep inside of me.
I wonder if she feeIs the same way.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I shouId ask her myseIf.
Thank you, ma'am.
Thank you very much.
I Iike you too.
That's what I wouId've said to your mom.
I had a feeIing you were trying to say something to me too.
Mork, was my mother reaIIy here? She toId me to give you something.
I Iove you, Mindy.
I Iove you too, Mork.