NewsRadio (1995) s03e22 Episode Script
The Real Deal
It's 3:15, and that means it's time for WOMEN [OVER SPEAKERS.]
: The Real Deal With Bill McNeal That's right.
Welcome once again to The Real Deal with Bill McNeal.
I'm your host, Bill McNeal, and you're probably wondering exactly what is the real deal today? WOMEN: Hey, good question That is a good question, and our producer, the lovely Lisa Miller, has lined up another great interviewee today.
He's the deputy assistant of Manhattan's transit commission.
Please welcome Kevin Sparks.
Thanks for being here, Kevin.
Thank you for having me.
WOMEN: Hey, don't mention it Now, I myself don't take public transportation.
I prefer to use cabs.
In fact, I don't think I've stepped foot on a subway and a bus in over six years.
So, what's going on in those dingy subway cars and those overcrowded buses these days? What is? WOMEN: The Real De-- Over the past seven years, the transit system has made vast improvement and some sweeping overhauls.
What we've been able-- BILL: I seriously doubt that, sir.
But this is America, and I would die for your right to make outrageous claims.
The-- The trains are clean and reliable.
We're running on time again, and I-- You know what? You should come down yourself and see the progress we've made.
[LAUGHING.]
Thanks, but no thanks, Kevin.
Back in 90 seconds with more of That's right, you guessed it, more of WOMEN: The Real Deal With Bill McNeal Hey, where you goin'? We're not done yet.
Yes, we are.
Look, um, Mr.
Sparks, I'm sorry.
WOMEN: Well, screw you too [.]
BILL [OVER RADIO.]
: And be sure to join us at the same time tomorrow.
My producer, the lovely Lisa Miller, has lined up Who do we have, lovely Lisa? LISA: Guest to be announced.
BILL: Ooh, sounds like a hot one.
Thank you WOMEN: Lovely Lisa BILL: Well, I'm Bill-- What can I say? I thought it would work.
Well, it's been three weeks, and it hasn't come close to working.
Yeah, well, how are the numbers? According to these figures, it seems that when Bill's show comes on, people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles, and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.
All right.
Let's cancel it.
Great.
I'll take care of it.
No, no, no, no.
I'm the one that approved it.
I'll handle the cancellation.
Uh, you sure you don't want me to handle this? 'Cause you know, when, uh, Bill and Lisa combine their energies, their, uh, powers of persuasion go up fivefold.
No, Dave, really, I-- I appreciate your Dungeons & Dragons approach to office management, but, uh, I left my 12-sided dice at home, so I'll just, uh-- I'll go tell them, all right? All right.
Godspeed, fair wizard.
The Real Deal With Bill McNeal Here ya go.
Thank you.
These areblank.
Yeah, I know, I just-- I needed an excuse to come in here and talk to you.
Um, Dave, I need some personal advice.
I mean it's really personal.
What is it? You know Irene? Irene, the girl that I'm seeing? The girl I've been going out with for about three months? Oh, I know.
Is this the same girl everyone thinks you made up so you'll have something to talk about at lunch? Yeah.
That one.
And did you? What? Make her up? Uh-huh.
No.
She exists, Dave.
She exists.
Ah.
All right.
In fact I'm thinkin' that it might be time for me to make the big move.
Wait a minute.
Are you--? Are you talking about marriage? Oh, no, no.
Oh, what then? Living together? No Telling her you want to date other imaginary women? Hey! Maybe a dragon! Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave What do you say? No.
I'm thinkin' that it might be time for us to Uh-huh? go all the way.
Oh, yeah, well, yeah.
That's a-- You know, that's a-- That's aserious decision in-- In any relationship, you know? But if-- If you feel like the time is right, And if it's right for her-- I've never gone all the way before, Dave.
Sorry, what? I'm a virgin.
[LAUGHING.]
Get outta here.
I know! I know.
Me.
Go figure.
I know.
I-I mean, I've had opportunities.
Tons.
Tons of opportunities.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh-huh.
I just want it to be the right time.
You're 28! Twenty-eight and a half.
Dave, can you take a look at--? I'm sorry, Katherine.
It's something personal.
No, actually, she's okay.
Are you sure? Come in, come in here and shut the door.
What I'm gonna tell you does not leave this room.
I'm very serious.
Okay.
I'm a virgin.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
What about those stories you were telling me last week about all-- Oh, no, no, no.
I made-- I made those up.
I just need something to talk about at lunch.
Well, the important thing is that we just remember that this shouldn't leave this room.
Matthew's very sensitive about this-- Beth, can you come in here? BETH: I'm on the phone.
What do you want? I'm a virgin.
You're a virgin? Right here.
Yeah, can you hang on, Mom? Someone's a virgin.
Yeah, you wish.
What's with the jingles? I thought you wanted to do a hard-hitting show.
I do.
But there's a limit to how hard I can hit when I'm talking to the archduke of crosstown buses, or whoever the hell he was.
Okay.
I don't think you understand, Bill, that we are teetering on the brink of cancellation.
What? What? Huh? What? Huh? Look, I need to talk to you two about, uh, The Real Deal with Bill McNeal.
Oh! We were just brainstorming about that ourselves, sir.
Yeah, well, I'm a little concerned about the ratings.
And who wouldn't be? I know what you're thinking.
Great concept.
Thank you.
And great host.
You're too kind.
LISA: Where are the great ratings? You tell me.
Rome wasn't burnt in a day, Jimmy.
And believe me, we thought about giving up, but No.
That is not an option.
We will not hang you out to dry, sir, because that is just not what we are all about.
All right, that's fine.
Putting aside lousy ratings-- See? I told you he wasn't just about numbers.
Yeah, and you got no argument from me.
Look, look, look, the problem is, I thought the show was gonna be entertaining and interesting.
The fact is, it's just plain boring.
It worked.
It worked.
What? What worked? BILL: Our little plan.
You see, first, we get your attention with the boring stuff, then we hit you with the excitement.
Bam! Right between the eyes.
Bam! Bill, Lisa, the show is-- Cancelled.
Fine.
Very smart move, sir.
The only thing to do, really.
I mean, if you don't like the surprise guest we have scheduled for this afternoon, then fine, cancel it.
Load us into the air lock and blow us into outer space.
Whoa, what's so special about this afternoon's guest? [.]
So when you told him we had a special guest, who did you have in mind? I don't know.
Someone famous, I guess.
You know any famous people? I shared a cab with Mike Dukakis once.
Funny story, actually.
Yeah, right, no, I-- I remember that story, Bill.
But that doesn't really help us right now.
I've got it.
What about Jerry Seinfeld? You know him? No, but I've seen him on TV.
And he's sitting right over there.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
That really is Jerry Seinfeld.
Go ask him to do our show.
I think we have to go through his agent or something, Bill.
Hey, did Edward R.
Murrow go through an agent when he interviewed whatever famous person he interviewed? Come on.
And how does your girlfriend feel about your virginity? Oh, she doesn't know.
Really? She does not know.
In fact every time we get close to the act I have to pretend I can't get my pants off.
And she buys it? Well, last night she managed to actually get my pants off, and I just I had to just run outta the apartment.
[.]
Hey, Jerry.
How we doing? We're doing fine.
Glad to hear it.
Glad to hear it.
I'm sorry, I-- I can't remember your name.
Oh.
Bill.
Bill McNeal, I'm sorry.
Don't be.
We've never met.
Nice talking with you.
You like this, don't you? Like what? Talking to me.
Which raises an interesting point.
I do a little radio program here in Manhattan.
Maybe you've heard of it, The Real Deal with Bill McNeal.
As a matter of fact, I haven't.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, come on, Jerry.
Don't be modest.
Anyhoo, a really big guest cancelled on us today, which leaves me in sort of a tight spot.
Hm Listen, Phil Bill.
Bill.
I'd really like to help you out, but I'm not really doing any press right now.
Great.
Then I'll bet you have plenty of free time.
You know, no offense, Bill, but I've kind of gotten burned by people like you.
Well, not like you.
Come to think of it, exactly like you.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
This isn't Good Morning, Bum-Wad County, with Cindy-Lee and Melvin.
We're talking about The Real Deal With Bill McNeal.
Oh, I see, I thought it was Good Morning, Bum-Wad County.
But we're talking about The Real Deal With Bill McNeal.
Right, that's a completely different story.
Then you'll do it? No.
Dave, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
Okay, don't, uh Don't tell anybody this, but Well, I'm a virgin.
I know.
You told me half an hour ago.
Oh.
Right.
Well, mum's the word.
Oh, damn.
And you know how I love to gossip.
Virgin.
Oh, Mr.
James, guess what.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you already told me.
You must have tremendous will power.
Yeah.
I do.
I do.
You're not a member of some kind of cult or something, are ya? No.
Oh.
Maybe you should think about joining one.
Well, a 28-year-old virgin.
You could probably start your own, huh? Dude, how could you possibly still be a virgin? Oh.
Believe me, it was not easy.
I just, I don't know.
You know what I did? I made a conscious decision to justsave myself and-- And-- And Well, after all, it is my most precious gift.
Okay, you remind me not to ask for any Christmas presents, all right? You ever even make out with a chick? Yeah.
Yeah.
Tons of times.
I mean I've had some sex, I just haven't had final sex.
I-I've come close, just not all the way.
How close? I have no idea what that means.
Well, that clears it up.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.
I'm sorry.
Is there any way that I could get an autograph? It's my pleasure.
What's your name? Not you.
Him.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
The Bill McNeal of the one and only Real Deal With Bill McNeal.
The Real Deal With Bill McNeal [CHUCKLING.]
Who should I make this out to, Lisa? Um Well, Lisa would be fine.
Excuse me, Jerry.
Duty calls.
BILL: There you go.
Keep listening.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, sir, for making this the greatest day of my entire life.
You two are pretty desperate, aren't you? Jerry, we'll do anything.
Anything you ask.
Just name it.
Well, for starters you could take your hand out of my salad.
Oh! Sorry.
Don't be.
Happens all the time.
Can I borrow your napkin? No.
[.]
Look, I'm-- I'm sure Irene appreciates you for who you are.
Who am I? A guy whomaybe isn't quite ready for sex yet, and Yeah.
that's fine.
Really, it is.
Yeah.
You're probably right.
Hi, honey.
Oh, hihoney.
Dave, this is, uh, Irene, my girlfriend.
Um, guys this is the guys.
This is Irene.
Hi, guys.
I said, "Hi, guys.
" ALL: Hi, Irene.
[.]
You don't even have to leave the table.
We can pre-tape it right here.
How do I know you guys aren't gonna chop it up later and make me look like an idiot? Oh, come on, Jerry.
You know me.
Again, Bill, no, I don't.
Mr.
Seinfeld, this is not a gossip show.
Okay, what we're going for is serious, insightful, thought-provoking radio journalism.
We'll get into some serious issues.
You know, mix it up a little.
Look, I'm a comedian.
Nobody cares what a comedian thinks about serious issues.
I don't even care what I think about serious issues.
Yes, but I'm sure people out there would love to know what you think about say Medicaid re-allotment.
I have no opinion on Medicaid re-allotment.
I don't even know what Medicaid re-allotment is.
Okay, then another topic.
No, I'm serious.
What is Medicaid re-allotment? Oh, who cares what it is? What about if? If you picked a topic? I don't wanna pick a topic.
Come on, just for fun.
The Federal deficit.
Perfect.
The Federal deficit.
What do you think of the Federal deficit? It seems a little big.
So the great actor is suddenly a great economist.
Please, enlighten us.
What is he doing? What are you doing? Mixing it up.
Come on.
Let's get into it.
Is he always like this? I don't-- I have no-- I just met him yesterday.
That is my coffee.
Mm.
Sorry.
Thanks.
That's good as new.
Thanks.
[.]
MATTHEW: I just don't know what to do.
Dude, there is a very specific way you handle a girl like that.
Yeah.
How's that? You get down on your hands and knees, and you beg her to have sex with you.
Mm-hmm.
You know, Matthew, Joe's right.
Men get down on their hands and knees to beg me to have sex with them, and I don't even look like that.
Men have to get down on their hands and knees just to talk to you face to face.
Stop pressuring me! [GROANS.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Boy looks a little tense, Dave.
I don't know.
Considering he hasn't had sex in 28 years, I think he's remarkably relaxed.
[CRASH.]
Interesting Let me ask you this.
Is your finger in my water? Sorry.
Now, that's disgusting.
How did you even do that? I'm sorry.
You were saying Well, before I became a comedian, I had a lot of odd jobs, different things that I would do and-- Excuse me, sir.
You all finished with this? Yeah.
Thank you.
What kind of jobs did you have? Can I get you another drink? Uh, no, I'm fine.
Thanks.
A lot of different things.
How 'bout you, sir? What? Are you all done with that? No.
Wh-where did you work again? Like I said-- How 'bout you, ma'am? More coffee for you? Excuse me.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm attempting to interview a major Hollywood star.
Bill, the guy is just doing his job.
Well, I'm just trying to do my job.
Well, there are better ways to do it.
You should apologize to him.
I'll toss him a couple of bucks when we're done.
You're really startin' to tick me off.
Now, see? We're mixing it up here.
Just like I told ya.
Now, this is great stuff.
No.
It isn't.
Now drag your sorry-ass over there and apologize to him.
[THUMP.]
Did you just kick me? Are you insane? Maybe I should be asking you that question! Yes, I'm insane.
I'm nuts, Bill! And if I was that waiter, I'd come over here and beat the hell outta ya.
Gentlemen, I'm gonna have to ask you to lower your voices, please.
Hey, I'm on your side! Just lower your voice, okay, Mr.
Seinfeld? Oh, screw this.
You heard the man.
Beat it! All right.
That's it.
No more questions.
I'm outta here.
And don't stiff him on the tip.
Oh, I-I'm not paying all of this.
No, we will-- We'll take care of the check, Mr.
Seinfeld.
You-- You know what? I don't wanna owe you anything.
How much is it? All I had was an appetizer.
You had an appetizer and a cappuccino.
I didn't have a cappuccino.
Well, who had the cappuccino? I had-- Shh.
Admit nothing.
Too late.
You almost got away with it, didn't ya? But you cracked under the pressure, didn't ya? Didn't ya!? What? Oh, you're both just so aggravating! I think we got it.
[.]
Hey, Dave.
Yeah? Just between you and me, I-- I made my decision.
Oh, great, great.
What is it? [SCOFFS.]
Well, that's personal.
And I think both of us know who should be the first to hear it.
Yes.
Everybody, I have decided not to have sex.
Well, that-- That's a decision only you can make.
And by that I mean that is a decision that only you could make.
Thanks, Dave.
There you are, baby.
OhIrene We need-- We need to talk.
Okay.
Let's talk privately.
Privately.
Oh, yeah.
Let me look.
JIMMY: Yo, Bill.
Bill! So, uh, who's the special guest? Jerry Seinfeld.
Get outta town.
Really? We pre-taped it.
Let's hear it.
We can't air that.
Don't worry.
I did some editing.
Took care of all the bad parts.
Bill, all there was, was bad parts.
I know.
WNYX news time, 3:15.
And now, here's The Real Deal, with your host, Bill McNeal.
WOMEN: The Real Deal With Bill McNeal Hello, I'm Bill McNeal.
What you're about to hear is one of the most puzzling and provocative interviews ever put on tape.
They call Jerry Seinfeld "the nicest guy in Hollywood.
" Fact or fiction? Is it a case of too much, too soon, or too little, too late? Listen and judge for yourself.
[BOLD THEME PLAYS.]
MAN: Real deal! BILL: What kind of jobs did you have? SEINFELD: Screw this.
No more questions.
Jerry, I'm just trying to do my job.
Well, there are better ways to do it.
Maybe.
Bill, you're really startin' to tick me off.
Why is that, Jerry? I'm nuts, Bill! Now, what if I were to ask you about your personal life? I'd probably beat the hell outta ya! [BOLD THEME PLAYS.]
Wow.
I had no idea he was so insane.
Wellhe's not.
I meant Bill.
He doesn't worry about getting sued for libel? Aren't you? Nah.
Read Bill's contract.
It was nice meeting you all.
Nice meeting you.
Bye.
Bye, Irene.
Well, uh, how'd it go in there? Not so well.
DAVE: Uh-huh.
Not so well.
That was maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my-- My life.
Iyou know, explained to her that she's very special, but I'm just-- I'm saving myself, and now just isn't the right time for me.
Well, I happen to think that's very sweet.
I told her she shouldn't take it personally.
You know, she's a very warmsweet incredibly gorgeouswoman, and then we started kissing, and then we did it.
KATHERINE: You what? We did it.
I'm not a virgin anymore.
Wait a minute.
Wasn't that a little quick? Well, I How long is it supposed to take? I'm new at this.
Just about that long, if you do it right.
Now I know we're never gonna date.
Yeah, you wish.
Well, uh Well, let me be the first to congratulate you on having sex in the break room while we all stood out here waiting.
What the hell are we gonna put on the show tomorrow? I don't know.
We stooped pretty low to buy ourselves a stay of execution.
Right.
And now's the time to show them how well we can do going the other way.
You know, cerebral.
Hard-hitting.
Right, like we wanted to do in the first place.
Right.
You know, Gore Vidal is in town.
A possibility.
Yeah, and the dance critic from the Times expressed some interest.
The waiter at that restaurant said Howie Mandel is checking in.
Let's go.
[.]
It's like this.
I I don't know.
I guess I thought this experience was gonna really change me Mm-hmm.
somehow and-- And now, you know, I-- I've done it and-- And I don't feel any different.
Believe me, Matthew.
You've always been different.
Wow.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I guess it's not gonna change who I am.
No.
Okay.
Yeah, okay.
All right? All right.
Well, okay.
Well, good night, Matthew.
Okay.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Thanks, Dave.
I did it.
[HARP PLAYS ANGELIC RIFF.]
[DREAMY, ROMANTIC MELODY PLAYING.]
Matthew? Matthew? What? Uhy-you have to push one of the buttons if you want the elevator to move.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Sorry about the mess, Dave.
: The Real Deal With Bill McNeal That's right.
Welcome once again to The Real Deal with Bill McNeal.
I'm your host, Bill McNeal, and you're probably wondering exactly what is the real deal today? WOMEN: Hey, good question That is a good question, and our producer, the lovely Lisa Miller, has lined up another great interviewee today.
He's the deputy assistant of Manhattan's transit commission.
Please welcome Kevin Sparks.
Thanks for being here, Kevin.
Thank you for having me.
WOMEN: Hey, don't mention it Now, I myself don't take public transportation.
I prefer to use cabs.
In fact, I don't think I've stepped foot on a subway and a bus in over six years.
So, what's going on in those dingy subway cars and those overcrowded buses these days? What is? WOMEN: The Real De-- Over the past seven years, the transit system has made vast improvement and some sweeping overhauls.
What we've been able-- BILL: I seriously doubt that, sir.
But this is America, and I would die for your right to make outrageous claims.
The-- The trains are clean and reliable.
We're running on time again, and I-- You know what? You should come down yourself and see the progress we've made.
[LAUGHING.]
Thanks, but no thanks, Kevin.
Back in 90 seconds with more of That's right, you guessed it, more of WOMEN: The Real Deal With Bill McNeal Hey, where you goin'? We're not done yet.
Yes, we are.
Look, um, Mr.
Sparks, I'm sorry.
WOMEN: Well, screw you too [.]
BILL [OVER RADIO.]
: And be sure to join us at the same time tomorrow.
My producer, the lovely Lisa Miller, has lined up Who do we have, lovely Lisa? LISA: Guest to be announced.
BILL: Ooh, sounds like a hot one.
Thank you WOMEN: Lovely Lisa BILL: Well, I'm Bill-- What can I say? I thought it would work.
Well, it's been three weeks, and it hasn't come close to working.
Yeah, well, how are the numbers? According to these figures, it seems that when Bill's show comes on, people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles, and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.
All right.
Let's cancel it.
Great.
I'll take care of it.
No, no, no, no.
I'm the one that approved it.
I'll handle the cancellation.
Uh, you sure you don't want me to handle this? 'Cause you know, when, uh, Bill and Lisa combine their energies, their, uh, powers of persuasion go up fivefold.
No, Dave, really, I-- I appreciate your Dungeons & Dragons approach to office management, but, uh, I left my 12-sided dice at home, so I'll just, uh-- I'll go tell them, all right? All right.
Godspeed, fair wizard.
The Real Deal With Bill McNeal Here ya go.
Thank you.
These areblank.
Yeah, I know, I just-- I needed an excuse to come in here and talk to you.
Um, Dave, I need some personal advice.
I mean it's really personal.
What is it? You know Irene? Irene, the girl that I'm seeing? The girl I've been going out with for about three months? Oh, I know.
Is this the same girl everyone thinks you made up so you'll have something to talk about at lunch? Yeah.
That one.
And did you? What? Make her up? Uh-huh.
No.
She exists, Dave.
She exists.
Ah.
All right.
In fact I'm thinkin' that it might be time for me to make the big move.
Wait a minute.
Are you--? Are you talking about marriage? Oh, no, no.
Oh, what then? Living together? No Telling her you want to date other imaginary women? Hey! Maybe a dragon! Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave What do you say? No.
I'm thinkin' that it might be time for us to Uh-huh? go all the way.
Oh, yeah, well, yeah.
That's a-- You know, that's a-- That's aserious decision in-- In any relationship, you know? But if-- If you feel like the time is right, And if it's right for her-- I've never gone all the way before, Dave.
Sorry, what? I'm a virgin.
[LAUGHING.]
Get outta here.
I know! I know.
Me.
Go figure.
I know.
I-I mean, I've had opportunities.
Tons.
Tons of opportunities.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh-huh.
I just want it to be the right time.
You're 28! Twenty-eight and a half.
Dave, can you take a look at--? I'm sorry, Katherine.
It's something personal.
No, actually, she's okay.
Are you sure? Come in, come in here and shut the door.
What I'm gonna tell you does not leave this room.
I'm very serious.
Okay.
I'm a virgin.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
What about those stories you were telling me last week about all-- Oh, no, no, no.
I made-- I made those up.
I just need something to talk about at lunch.
Well, the important thing is that we just remember that this shouldn't leave this room.
Matthew's very sensitive about this-- Beth, can you come in here? BETH: I'm on the phone.
What do you want? I'm a virgin.
You're a virgin? Right here.
Yeah, can you hang on, Mom? Someone's a virgin.
Yeah, you wish.
What's with the jingles? I thought you wanted to do a hard-hitting show.
I do.
But there's a limit to how hard I can hit when I'm talking to the archduke of crosstown buses, or whoever the hell he was.
Okay.
I don't think you understand, Bill, that we are teetering on the brink of cancellation.
What? What? Huh? What? Huh? Look, I need to talk to you two about, uh, The Real Deal with Bill McNeal.
Oh! We were just brainstorming about that ourselves, sir.
Yeah, well, I'm a little concerned about the ratings.
And who wouldn't be? I know what you're thinking.
Great concept.
Thank you.
And great host.
You're too kind.
LISA: Where are the great ratings? You tell me.
Rome wasn't burnt in a day, Jimmy.
And believe me, we thought about giving up, but No.
That is not an option.
We will not hang you out to dry, sir, because that is just not what we are all about.
All right, that's fine.
Putting aside lousy ratings-- See? I told you he wasn't just about numbers.
Yeah, and you got no argument from me.
Look, look, look, the problem is, I thought the show was gonna be entertaining and interesting.
The fact is, it's just plain boring.
It worked.
It worked.
What? What worked? BILL: Our little plan.
You see, first, we get your attention with the boring stuff, then we hit you with the excitement.
Bam! Right between the eyes.
Bam! Bill, Lisa, the show is-- Cancelled.
Fine.
Very smart move, sir.
The only thing to do, really.
I mean, if you don't like the surprise guest we have scheduled for this afternoon, then fine, cancel it.
Load us into the air lock and blow us into outer space.
Whoa, what's so special about this afternoon's guest? [.]
So when you told him we had a special guest, who did you have in mind? I don't know.
Someone famous, I guess.
You know any famous people? I shared a cab with Mike Dukakis once.
Funny story, actually.
Yeah, right, no, I-- I remember that story, Bill.
But that doesn't really help us right now.
I've got it.
What about Jerry Seinfeld? You know him? No, but I've seen him on TV.
And he's sitting right over there.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
That really is Jerry Seinfeld.
Go ask him to do our show.
I think we have to go through his agent or something, Bill.
Hey, did Edward R.
Murrow go through an agent when he interviewed whatever famous person he interviewed? Come on.
And how does your girlfriend feel about your virginity? Oh, she doesn't know.
Really? She does not know.
In fact every time we get close to the act I have to pretend I can't get my pants off.
And she buys it? Well, last night she managed to actually get my pants off, and I just I had to just run outta the apartment.
[.]
Hey, Jerry.
How we doing? We're doing fine.
Glad to hear it.
Glad to hear it.
I'm sorry, I-- I can't remember your name.
Oh.
Bill.
Bill McNeal, I'm sorry.
Don't be.
We've never met.
Nice talking with you.
You like this, don't you? Like what? Talking to me.
Which raises an interesting point.
I do a little radio program here in Manhattan.
Maybe you've heard of it, The Real Deal with Bill McNeal.
As a matter of fact, I haven't.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, come on, Jerry.
Don't be modest.
Anyhoo, a really big guest cancelled on us today, which leaves me in sort of a tight spot.
Hm Listen, Phil Bill.
Bill.
I'd really like to help you out, but I'm not really doing any press right now.
Great.
Then I'll bet you have plenty of free time.
You know, no offense, Bill, but I've kind of gotten burned by people like you.
Well, not like you.
Come to think of it, exactly like you.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
This isn't Good Morning, Bum-Wad County, with Cindy-Lee and Melvin.
We're talking about The Real Deal With Bill McNeal.
Oh, I see, I thought it was Good Morning, Bum-Wad County.
But we're talking about The Real Deal With Bill McNeal.
Right, that's a completely different story.
Then you'll do it? No.
Dave, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
Okay, don't, uh Don't tell anybody this, but Well, I'm a virgin.
I know.
You told me half an hour ago.
Oh.
Right.
Well, mum's the word.
Oh, damn.
And you know how I love to gossip.
Virgin.
Oh, Mr.
James, guess what.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you already told me.
You must have tremendous will power.
Yeah.
I do.
I do.
You're not a member of some kind of cult or something, are ya? No.
Oh.
Maybe you should think about joining one.
Well, a 28-year-old virgin.
You could probably start your own, huh? Dude, how could you possibly still be a virgin? Oh.
Believe me, it was not easy.
I just, I don't know.
You know what I did? I made a conscious decision to justsave myself and-- And-- And Well, after all, it is my most precious gift.
Okay, you remind me not to ask for any Christmas presents, all right? You ever even make out with a chick? Yeah.
Yeah.
Tons of times.
I mean I've had some sex, I just haven't had final sex.
I-I've come close, just not all the way.
How close? I have no idea what that means.
Well, that clears it up.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.
I'm sorry.
Is there any way that I could get an autograph? It's my pleasure.
What's your name? Not you.
Him.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
The Bill McNeal of the one and only Real Deal With Bill McNeal.
The Real Deal With Bill McNeal [CHUCKLING.]
Who should I make this out to, Lisa? Um Well, Lisa would be fine.
Excuse me, Jerry.
Duty calls.
BILL: There you go.
Keep listening.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, sir, for making this the greatest day of my entire life.
You two are pretty desperate, aren't you? Jerry, we'll do anything.
Anything you ask.
Just name it.
Well, for starters you could take your hand out of my salad.
Oh! Sorry.
Don't be.
Happens all the time.
Can I borrow your napkin? No.
[.]
Look, I'm-- I'm sure Irene appreciates you for who you are.
Who am I? A guy whomaybe isn't quite ready for sex yet, and Yeah.
that's fine.
Really, it is.
Yeah.
You're probably right.
Hi, honey.
Oh, hihoney.
Dave, this is, uh, Irene, my girlfriend.
Um, guys this is the guys.
This is Irene.
Hi, guys.
I said, "Hi, guys.
" ALL: Hi, Irene.
[.]
You don't even have to leave the table.
We can pre-tape it right here.
How do I know you guys aren't gonna chop it up later and make me look like an idiot? Oh, come on, Jerry.
You know me.
Again, Bill, no, I don't.
Mr.
Seinfeld, this is not a gossip show.
Okay, what we're going for is serious, insightful, thought-provoking radio journalism.
We'll get into some serious issues.
You know, mix it up a little.
Look, I'm a comedian.
Nobody cares what a comedian thinks about serious issues.
I don't even care what I think about serious issues.
Yes, but I'm sure people out there would love to know what you think about say Medicaid re-allotment.
I have no opinion on Medicaid re-allotment.
I don't even know what Medicaid re-allotment is.
Okay, then another topic.
No, I'm serious.
What is Medicaid re-allotment? Oh, who cares what it is? What about if? If you picked a topic? I don't wanna pick a topic.
Come on, just for fun.
The Federal deficit.
Perfect.
The Federal deficit.
What do you think of the Federal deficit? It seems a little big.
So the great actor is suddenly a great economist.
Please, enlighten us.
What is he doing? What are you doing? Mixing it up.
Come on.
Let's get into it.
Is he always like this? I don't-- I have no-- I just met him yesterday.
That is my coffee.
Mm.
Sorry.
Thanks.
That's good as new.
Thanks.
[.]
MATTHEW: I just don't know what to do.
Dude, there is a very specific way you handle a girl like that.
Yeah.
How's that? You get down on your hands and knees, and you beg her to have sex with you.
Mm-hmm.
You know, Matthew, Joe's right.
Men get down on their hands and knees to beg me to have sex with them, and I don't even look like that.
Men have to get down on their hands and knees just to talk to you face to face.
Stop pressuring me! [GROANS.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Boy looks a little tense, Dave.
I don't know.
Considering he hasn't had sex in 28 years, I think he's remarkably relaxed.
[CRASH.]
Interesting Let me ask you this.
Is your finger in my water? Sorry.
Now, that's disgusting.
How did you even do that? I'm sorry.
You were saying Well, before I became a comedian, I had a lot of odd jobs, different things that I would do and-- Excuse me, sir.
You all finished with this? Yeah.
Thank you.
What kind of jobs did you have? Can I get you another drink? Uh, no, I'm fine.
Thanks.
A lot of different things.
How 'bout you, sir? What? Are you all done with that? No.
Wh-where did you work again? Like I said-- How 'bout you, ma'am? More coffee for you? Excuse me.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm attempting to interview a major Hollywood star.
Bill, the guy is just doing his job.
Well, I'm just trying to do my job.
Well, there are better ways to do it.
You should apologize to him.
I'll toss him a couple of bucks when we're done.
You're really startin' to tick me off.
Now, see? We're mixing it up here.
Just like I told ya.
Now, this is great stuff.
No.
It isn't.
Now drag your sorry-ass over there and apologize to him.
[THUMP.]
Did you just kick me? Are you insane? Maybe I should be asking you that question! Yes, I'm insane.
I'm nuts, Bill! And if I was that waiter, I'd come over here and beat the hell outta ya.
Gentlemen, I'm gonna have to ask you to lower your voices, please.
Hey, I'm on your side! Just lower your voice, okay, Mr.
Seinfeld? Oh, screw this.
You heard the man.
Beat it! All right.
That's it.
No more questions.
I'm outta here.
And don't stiff him on the tip.
Oh, I-I'm not paying all of this.
No, we will-- We'll take care of the check, Mr.
Seinfeld.
You-- You know what? I don't wanna owe you anything.
How much is it? All I had was an appetizer.
You had an appetizer and a cappuccino.
I didn't have a cappuccino.
Well, who had the cappuccino? I had-- Shh.
Admit nothing.
Too late.
You almost got away with it, didn't ya? But you cracked under the pressure, didn't ya? Didn't ya!? What? Oh, you're both just so aggravating! I think we got it.
[.]
Hey, Dave.
Yeah? Just between you and me, I-- I made my decision.
Oh, great, great.
What is it? [SCOFFS.]
Well, that's personal.
And I think both of us know who should be the first to hear it.
Yes.
Everybody, I have decided not to have sex.
Well, that-- That's a decision only you can make.
And by that I mean that is a decision that only you could make.
Thanks, Dave.
There you are, baby.
OhIrene We need-- We need to talk.
Okay.
Let's talk privately.
Privately.
Oh, yeah.
Let me look.
JIMMY: Yo, Bill.
Bill! So, uh, who's the special guest? Jerry Seinfeld.
Get outta town.
Really? We pre-taped it.
Let's hear it.
We can't air that.
Don't worry.
I did some editing.
Took care of all the bad parts.
Bill, all there was, was bad parts.
I know.
WNYX news time, 3:15.
And now, here's The Real Deal, with your host, Bill McNeal.
WOMEN: The Real Deal With Bill McNeal Hello, I'm Bill McNeal.
What you're about to hear is one of the most puzzling and provocative interviews ever put on tape.
They call Jerry Seinfeld "the nicest guy in Hollywood.
" Fact or fiction? Is it a case of too much, too soon, or too little, too late? Listen and judge for yourself.
[BOLD THEME PLAYS.]
MAN: Real deal! BILL: What kind of jobs did you have? SEINFELD: Screw this.
No more questions.
Jerry, I'm just trying to do my job.
Well, there are better ways to do it.
Maybe.
Bill, you're really startin' to tick me off.
Why is that, Jerry? I'm nuts, Bill! Now, what if I were to ask you about your personal life? I'd probably beat the hell outta ya! [BOLD THEME PLAYS.]
Wow.
I had no idea he was so insane.
Wellhe's not.
I meant Bill.
He doesn't worry about getting sued for libel? Aren't you? Nah.
Read Bill's contract.
It was nice meeting you all.
Nice meeting you.
Bye.
Bye, Irene.
Well, uh, how'd it go in there? Not so well.
DAVE: Uh-huh.
Not so well.
That was maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my-- My life.
Iyou know, explained to her that she's very special, but I'm just-- I'm saving myself, and now just isn't the right time for me.
Well, I happen to think that's very sweet.
I told her she shouldn't take it personally.
You know, she's a very warmsweet incredibly gorgeouswoman, and then we started kissing, and then we did it.
KATHERINE: You what? We did it.
I'm not a virgin anymore.
Wait a minute.
Wasn't that a little quick? Well, I How long is it supposed to take? I'm new at this.
Just about that long, if you do it right.
Now I know we're never gonna date.
Yeah, you wish.
Well, uh Well, let me be the first to congratulate you on having sex in the break room while we all stood out here waiting.
What the hell are we gonna put on the show tomorrow? I don't know.
We stooped pretty low to buy ourselves a stay of execution.
Right.
And now's the time to show them how well we can do going the other way.
You know, cerebral.
Hard-hitting.
Right, like we wanted to do in the first place.
Right.
You know, Gore Vidal is in town.
A possibility.
Yeah, and the dance critic from the Times expressed some interest.
The waiter at that restaurant said Howie Mandel is checking in.
Let's go.
[.]
It's like this.
I I don't know.
I guess I thought this experience was gonna really change me Mm-hmm.
somehow and-- And now, you know, I-- I've done it and-- And I don't feel any different.
Believe me, Matthew.
You've always been different.
Wow.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I guess it's not gonna change who I am.
No.
Okay.
Yeah, okay.
All right? All right.
Well, okay.
Well, good night, Matthew.
Okay.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Thanks, Dave.
I did it.
[HARP PLAYS ANGELIC RIFF.]
[DREAMY, ROMANTIC MELODY PLAYING.]
Matthew? Matthew? What? Uhy-you have to push one of the buttons if you want the elevator to move.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Sorry about the mess, Dave.