Northern Exposure s03e22 Episode Script

Marilyn! There was a Wine Spectator on my desk.
I know it was on my desk.
Someone must have come in and taken it.
Would you tell me, why do people up here have such a difficult time with the concept of private property? That magazine was mine.
My name was on the mailing label.
- Under the desk.
- Under the desk? - It wobbles.
- This is a magazine, Marilyn- reading material.
It's not a shim.
Hey.
Why do you do that? Why do you always need the element of surprise? - We want blood tests.
- Blood tests? Here.
Sweetheart.
Sweetheart? Yeah.
That's a, uh- a common term of address for one's fiancée.
- Fiancée? - What, are your synapses not firing? Yes.
Eve is my fiancée.
We're getting married.
Ergo, the blood tests.
Oh.
Honey, uh, do you want the, uh, tofu with black bean sauce or the poached salmon? Salmon.
Gestational diabetes.
She has to eat every two hours.
Excuse my confusion here, but you two are already married.
- Who told you that? - You did, several times.
I distinctly remember you referring to Eve as "my wife.
" - Oh, I see.
So l- I owe you an apology? - No, but- I'm a man, Fleischman.
We are born with an image of"woman" imprinted in our psyches.
We spend our whole lives searching for the embodiment of that feminine archetype.
And there she sits, in the flesh.
You tell me.
What man could resist the fantasy of having her as his wife? Okay.
The truth is we're not married.
But, to my great joy, this incredible woman- the mother of my child- has finally consented to be my bride.
Salt? Better not.
"Pussy said to Owl, "You elegant fowl, "how charmingly sweet you sing.
"Oh, let us be married.
Too long have we tarried.
"But what shall we do for a ring? ' "They sailed away for a year and a day to the land where the bong tree grows.
And there in the wood, a Piggy-wig stood with a ring at the end of his nose.
" Yes, folks, the clean, clear Cicelian air will soon resound with the peal of wedding bells.
Master chef and country squire Adam will exchange vows with the lady Eve this Sunday at 11:00 a.
m.
Attire- semiformal daytime.
A reception will follow at The Brick, a no-host bar.
Are you stumped for a gift? Well, the happy couple is registered at Gump's, Orgell's, Tiffany's and, for those shopping in town, Ruth-Anne's- Hey.
! Bernardo.
Hey, Chris.
Whoo-hoo! Bernardo.
Surprise, surprise.
What are you doin' back? Ah! I'm on my way to Russia.
What? Yeah.
They're opening a stock exchange in Novosibirsk, and they needed a C.
P.
A.
to consult.
Nice wheels.
Yeah.
I'm gonna drive there, see a little something of Siberia.
How you gonna cross the Bering Strait? They started ferry service from Tin City to Olyutorsky.
You know, Chris, it was really weird.
The whole way up here, I kept humming Mahler.
Mahler? Yeah.
Das Lied von der Erde? Yeah.
That's it.
I just got a new recording - bootleg Kathy Ferrier.
Let's go check it out.
All right.
You did that? Mm-hmm.
Sure did.
Yeah? How many have you done? Oh, about five.
Five? That's great.
Hey, Dave.
How are you? Good.
Yourself? All right.
Hey, O'Connell.
Hey, Fleischman.
Beautiful day, isn't it? Yeah.
How are you? I'm all right.
Good.
Gotta go.
Bye, Maggie.
O'Connell.
Sorry.
I'd love to stay.
I just can't.
Hey, what's with the birds? They're cranes, for the wedding.
- Oh.
- A thousand cranes bring good luck.
I found 'em.
Hmm? The little guys from our wedding cake that we never had.
We can give 'em to Adam and Eve.
Yeah, I guess so, but, uh- We're never gonna use 'em.
They're just sitting there getting all dusty in the closet.
Is that Eve's? Yes, it is.
I'll take it.
Aren't weddings a gas, babe? Chef salad - hold the turkey, hold the egg, hold the cheese, hold the ham.
And dressing on the side.
Thanks.
This wedding's got me so jazzed I could pee in my pants.
What does your dress look like? You know, Adam thinks the child will be stigmatized if we're not married.
When my friend Connie got hitched, she was knocked up too, but you almost couldn't tell 'cause she wore this muumuu thing.
And besides that, she was pretty porky to begin with.
Jean-Paul Sartre, Simon de Beauvoir- they weren't married.
What are the bridesmaids gonna wear? Jack Nicholson, Rebecca Broussard.
You do have bridesmaids? Eve.
This is the heaviest day of your life.
You can't just shine it on.
Even if you don't have any friends, you have to have a maid of honor.
It's tradition.
I know we're not really tight or anything, but I really dig weddings, and I'd bust my buns to do a good job.
So, if it's cool with you- Okay.
You mean it? I'm your maid of honor? Mm-hmm.
Oh.
! Holling.
! Holling.
! Guess what? - Minnifield? - Barbara.
Do you have a moment? Can I get you something- some lemonade, some iced tea? No, thank you.
You're looking good, Barbara.
You're looking fit, strong.
Uh-huh.
Do you have a 65-acre tract, parcel number 436 at the borough of Arrowhead County? Come again? A complaint's been filed by the owner of the adjoining property.
A Mr.
Ivory Springer? What the hell does Ivory Springer have to do with you and me? Mr.
Springer alleges that, on the 26th of April, excavators in your employ graded the aforementioned property with high explosives.
That's right.
So? Mr.
Springer alleges that some of his livestock were seriously injured from the force of the explosion.
Now, hold on just a minute.
Are you telling me that the only reason you're here is because of Ivory Springer's trumped-up charges? A formal complaint has been filed.
Barbara? What about us? What about you and me? I'm just here to do my job.
I see.
Dr.
Fleischman.
The blood tests? Yes.
Your V.
D.
R.
L.
was normal.
You're fine.
What about Adam? Adam's fine too.
You're sure? You're positive? Yes, I'm sure.
Get married.
Wait a minute.
I want you to run a serology on him for sporadic hepatitis "C.
" What, you think he has hep "C"? He's been very tired lately.
That could be a lot of things.
He was in Bangladesh last year.
You know Adam.
He always eats the local food.
Yeah, well, I mean, I don't have a lab to run a hep "C.
" I'd have to send it off to Anchorage.
Besides, I'd need Adam's permission.
- Pick's disease.
- Pick's disease? Yeah.
I think he has all the symptoms- confusion, inappropriate behavior, drooling.
Pick's disease is extremely rare.
And tragically, it's progressive and irreversible.
You know, Dr.
Fleischman, I know my strengths, but I also know my limitations.
And at this stage of my life, with my own fragile health, I don't know if I could cope with both an infant and a helpless invalid.
Adam doesn't have Pick's disease.
Oh.
Hey, O'Connell.
- Hi.
How are you? - All right.
Uh, well, I have to go.
See you.
Bye.
Shame on you.
The poor woman can't even look you in the eye.
What were you thinking? What are you talking about? I understand.
You were out of town.
You felt free, unencumbered.
But did you have to sleep with her? Who told you that? Adam.
Adam? How did Adam know? Did you for one minute consider the ramifications, or was it just, "I want, I want"? The truth is I didn't sleep with her.
Oh, spare me.
Hey.
She thinks I slept with her.
I didn't.
How can you tell me this with a straight face? What is it with you men? Why do you all act like guilty children? She fell asleep.
Stop.
Stop.
Please.
You're making me physically ill.
A wife.
Oh.
It's you.
Hi.
Hi.
Can I come in? You wanna come in? To-To my house? Can I? Uh, okay.
Thanks.
Um, I know it's late, O'Connell, but, um, I had to see you.
You did? Yeah.
When I run into you in town, you're not yourself.
Right? I mean, there's this incredible tension.
I know what you're feeling.
I know what's going on.
There's nothing going on.
Why would you think there's something going on? It's fine.
Everything's- Everything's fine.
Really.
Come on.
O'Connell, stop denying it.
Stop trying to pretend.
I'm busy tonight, Fleischman.
I mean- Not that I wouldn't be interested at some other time.
I'm not closing the door on any future physical involvement.
No, no, no.
Listen.
You know, Fleischman, look, what happened in Juneau happened.
I mean, you know, it just happened.
And-And as I said, I'm glad it happened.
Um, well, not "glad.
" More "I'm pleased.
" Listen, l- It's a memory I'll never forget.
- O'Connell.
- What? - It never happened.
- What never happened? You, me.
Juneau.
Physical involvement.
Intimacy.
It never happened.
We never had sex.
You fell asleep.
I fell asleep? Yeah.
We never had sex? No.
So everything's fine, see? You don't have to have this weird thing between us.
We can just go on the way we've always gone on.
What? You son of a bitch.
O'Connell? You miserable, sadistic, terrible creep! - O'Connell? - You-You snake! You're a rat! You're a pig! You're the one who pretended we had sex just because you couldn't remember.
Ooh.
! Oh.
! You're a slime! You're slime! You're scum! You maggot! You fly! You're a pimple! A boil! An abscess! Hey.
! Hey.
! I'm the victim here! Ow! You hateful, despicable worm! Barbara.
Remember, you promised to bring ambrosia salad to the shower tonight.
Yeah.
Hi, Willy.
Bachelor party tonight.
Top of the mornin', Cicely.
Chris in the Morning here with my peripatetic brother, Bernard.
Hiya.
What do you say we get things rollin' with a little wedding update? Okay.
Marilyn Whirlwind reports the crane count now stands at 312.
Whoo-doggy! 688 to go.
Okay, let's get folding, people.
And please, no three-hole-punched paper and no ruled paper either.
Thanks.
This just in.
Shelly Tambo is throwin' a "chicks only" shower for Eve tonight.
"Need someone to bring the macaroni salad.
Go heavy on the pickle relish.
" Take it away, maestro.
Nice.
It was frightening, Marilyn.
O'Connell was completely out of control.
There was no talking to her, no reaching her.
I've never seen anything like it.
She was just consumed by rage.
The irony is- I went there to clear the air.
I went there to do her a favor.
This is the thanks I get.
You had it coming.
What? What do you mean? You don't even know what I'm talking about.
You're a man.
What, that means I'm immediately guilty of something? Yes.
Hi, Marilyn.
Uh, I have your gauze, half-inch adhesive tape and five-M.
L.
syringes.
O'Connell, do you realize that if that cassette had hit one inch to the left- one inch- that I might well have lost the eye? I assume you want to apologize.
I told Red that he'd be flying in your deliveries from now on.
Any flights should be booked through him.
And any complaints about the cabin should go through Maurice.
Have a nice day, Marilyn.
Okay.
Now, is there anything in particular you guys want me to hit on in the service- like themes, ethnic traditions, theological concepts? I'll tell you what I don't want.
I don't want one of those quickie, hang-loose, "I'm okay, you're okay" weddings.
I want tradition.
I want ritual.
- I wanna feel married.
- Okay.
Eve? Frankly, I don't see why we need a service.
I told you why we need a service.
To get a piece of paper? A piece of paper? Where am l- a commune, a love-in? What, we're retrocounterculture all of a sudden? Need I remind you that the social experiments of the '60s and the '70s were an abject failure? They left us spiritually bankrupt, empty, alienated.
What the great traditionalist fails to realize is that those very traditions are the major obstacle to our marriage.
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about fundamental religious differences.
What religious differences? I happen to be Christian Scientist.
Christian Scientist? You're the poster child for the A.
M.
A.
I am reformed Christian Scientist.
He's a Quaker.
Really? Besides weddings, interfaith marriages present a host of problems.
You never said anything before.
How do you raise the children? What holidays do you celebrate? We've been living together for 12 years.
This is part of a much larger issue- my identity.
Do you know how hard it is for a woman in this society to earn recognition on her own, to be respected as competent and independent? And then to throw it all out the window by getting married, by allowing herself to be consumed by some hirsute man! All right.
All right.
Stop it.
- I'll convert.
- You will? Do you have any Mary Baker Eddy? What? What? Here are your things for the, uh, shower.
Thanks, babe.
Would you do me a favor? Would you blow these up for me? Sure.
I'm doing everything in white and blue.
"Marry in white, you've chosen all right.
Marry in blue, your love is true.
" This shower has just got to be the most totally perfect bitchin' thing.
I mean, a babe, you know - she spends her whole life just waiting for this.
The big "M.
" Holy matrimony.
When you're a little kid, you watch everybody's older sister get hitched, and you think, "God, when is it gonna be my turn? "When am I gonna get to walk down that aisle be queen for a day?" Everybody's sayin' how hot you look, and your mom crying, and your squeeze standing there in a powder-blue tux Iooking all cute and scared.
And then those words- "I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
" Order up.
I think we're gonna have to face the facts.
We really have no choice.
He's gonna have to start me on betamethasone.
Huh? I'm sorry.
I know you were looking forward to the wedding.
So was I.
What are you talking about? Premature labor.
I'm gonna need an airlift to Anchorage.
You're not in premature labor.
Excuse me? I'm having contractions.
Um, you have a slight urinary tract infection.
An infection is even worse.
If it attacks my kidneys, we could be facing pyelonephritis, renal failure.
- Is that true? - You're not gonna get pyelonephritis.
- What about amnionitis? Septic shock? - I'm putting you on antibiotics.
- Tetracycline, I suppose.
What about the baby's teeth? - I'll give you cephalosporin.
Look, can we get married or not? You can do whatever you want - get married, not get married.
Split up, move to Brazil.
I don't care.
Medically speaking- get some rest, avoid sex, and you'll be fine.
Hopefully you'll get a lot of wedding gifts.
Next.
! It was just before noon.
I finished sloppin'the pigs.
I was sittin'down to lunch when I heard the first explosion.
Geez, what a bang! Knocked an elk rack right off the wall.
Then, two seconds later, another one.
Whammo! I thought to myself, "What in the hell is Minnifield up to now?" I gave you plenty of warning, Springer.
So I came rushing out here.
Let me tell you.
It wasn't a pretty sight.
These poor animals never knew what hit 'em.
That's what you get for grazing your cattle on my property.
It's my property, and you know it.
Let's settle this thing like men, Springer.
Fine with me.
Back off! He started it.
Thank you, Mr.
Springer.
You can go now.
Mona here used to give two gallon a day.
Now not a drop.
Thank you, Mr.
Springer.
I hope you're not buying into what he's saying.
That man's a flat-out liar.
Maurice.
There's a benchmark in that rock.
I checked the surveyor's map.
Springer's cattle were on his property.
- Damn.
- One more thing.
Uh, about what happened between you and me? I'd just like to say you showed your mettle.
I gave you my best shot.
You took it on the chin, but you took it.
You picked yourself right up off the canvas, and you didn't come crawling back.
I wanted to, Barbara.
But you didn't.
And I can respect that.
Yeah.
There you are.
Now, how about a gift? A gift? For Adam and Eve.
I've still got the fondue pot.
Hi, Ruth-Anne.
Maggie.
Look, is this how it's gonna be, O'Connell? I'm a nonperson? I don't exist? Do you realize how childishly you're behaving? Hey, we live in a very small town.
Minuscule.
We see each other every day.
Is this corn on special? Two for a dollar.
Okay.
If I have to be the adult, fine.
Even though I think the blame rests equally on both of our shoulders.
I'm willing to apologize.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
You just don't know where to stop, do you? Hey, wait.
O'Connell, what the hell is goin' on? I extend myself to you.
I apologize.
I could just kill you, Fleischman.
I could wrap my hands around your neck and strangle you.
I said I was sorry.
How could you not sleep with me? What? I was lying there in bed - prostrate, willing.
You were asleep.
And you couldn't wake me up, Fleischman? I mean, how much trouble could it have been? I tried.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
O'Connell, I shook you.
I called your name.
I was tickling your feet, for cryin' out loud.
Just admit it, Fleischman.
Just admit it.
It didn't mean that much to you.
The first excuse you had, you turned tail and ran.
What the hell was I supposed to do? Rip your clothes off and have my way with you? Yes! Yes? Yes! You had an invitation.
I agreed.
I was trying to be considerate, sensitive.
Who cares, Fleischman? Where's the desire? Where's the passion? There was plenty of passion, and there was plenty of desire.
But I also had a little bit of self-control.
Oh, great.
That's what I inspire in you, Fleischman- self-control? Well, I'm flattered.
I'm very, very flattered! Pickles.
Um, where's the, uh, sour cream? Excuse me.
Hey, Catfish.
I haven't seen you in a coon's age.
Ah.
I've never been to a bachelor party before.
Crowds.
Qui Nhon, 1968.
Mama-san walked into the bar peddling cigarettes.
Nobody paid her much attention, that is till she pulled a fragmentation grenade out of her basket.
By then, it was too late.
Oh.
A piece of advice, my friend.
A room like this - you keep your back to the wall, your eyes on the door.
Thanks.
Not much of a stag party, is it? Well, we were supposed to have an exotic dancer from Sleetmute, but she had to cancel.
Her five-year-old came down with the croup.
Yeah.
Ah! Sorry.
Holling, Maurice.
Hey, any better with the collar? Oh, it's about the same.
Yeah? You might wanna try a little local heat.
Well, what a relief, huh? No women.
Yeah.
Hi.
What a relief, huh? No men.
I don't know, Maggie.
These segregated affairs have always struck me as unnatural.
Okay.
Everybody over here.
We're gonna do "balloon ballyhoo.
" Inside of this is a number.
You also got numbers on your name tags.
If your number on your tag is the same as the one in the balloon, you get the prize.
Eve, sit your moon down here and pop it.
- Oh, in my condition, it's contraindicated.
You do it.
- Okay.
Where is it? Where's- Four.
- Oh, that's me.
- Oh, congratulations.
Styling gel.
Just what I need.
How thoughtful.
Okay.
Everybody get a partner.
We're gonna do "toilet paper bride.
" You're in pain, Vincoeur.
I can help.
You need an adjustment.
A what? Chiropractic.
And don't give me the A.
M.
A.
big lie.
They'll tell you anything to protect their little monopoly.
I'm suffocating.
Let's get outta here.
It's a symbiotic relationship.
You cannot separate the mind from the body.
The root cause is psychosomatic, but the pathology is real.
What are you talking about? Oh, you need layman's terms? I'll give it to you in one word, my friend- guilt.
You dumped Shelly at the altar, and now you can never forgive yourself.
Count to three.
One, two- three.
Sit up.
See, I don't understand people like you, Vincoeur.
Despite everything I've achieved in my life- the culinary awards, the military commendations, the honorary degrees- I have never, ever lost sight of what's truly important, the thing that gives meaning to these triumphs.
Someone to share them with- a companion, a helpmate, a wife.
I am counting the minutes, the seconds, until the moment when I slip that ring on Eve's finger.
How do you feel? Better.
Much better.
Yeah.
Me too.
There.
Here you go.
Okay.
Here's one for you.
And you.
And you.
Here's one, Carol.
Why did I do it? Why did I say yes? I don't know.
Do you realize Adam's never held a job for more than two weeks? He's rude.
He insults people.
He won't tolerate the slightest criticism.
How can I rely on him to support a family? You can't.
A husband, by definition, is supposed to be a provider.
Adam- he'll never be able to take care of me.
I'll always have to take care of him.
Uh-huh.
I already have one child.
Now I'll have two.
Here's your T.
P.
Lot of strange things about women.
Yeah.
Amen to that.
They give you every indication that they want you to do one thing when, in fact, they want you to do the opposite.
Mm-hmm.
And the topper is they get mad you don't know that.
Women have a very difficult time understanding that men are simpler creatures.
Simpler? Mm-hmm.
Simpler because we're not wildly irrational? Yeah.
Look at it this way.
For the most part, men are ruled by two things- their penis and their stomach.
Now, those are concrete, tangible things.
With women, well, the situation gets much murkier.
They're motivated by all that right-brain, emotional stuff.
Love, hate.
Rage.
Huh.
Rage.
Yeah.
Rage.
Two minutes.
Then all the brides gotta line up for judging.
Oh, good.
You know, I don't wanna hurt Shelly's feelings, but I don't really think this is something that grown women should be doing.
Ruth-Anne, don't you think any woman- any normal woman- would be furious if a man led her to believe she had sex with him, and later on she found out she didn't? Well, Maggie, I've never been in that situation.
Raise your arms.
Well, don't you think it's understandable, at least, that she would hate him? I mean, because she really agonized over this.
She really tortured herself.
Here's some bobby pins for the veil.
Thank you.
But, you know, the thing is, even though she felt bad about the idea of sleeping with him, deep down, she kind of liked it.
In fact, she created this very elaborate, very erotic fantasy about what it was like.
Guilty pleasure.
Yeah.
But the really awful thing is that now it's gone.
She should sleep with him.
Sleep with him? That's right.
Even though he did this horrible, hateful thing? Mm-hmm.
Maggie, there are two parts to guilty pleasure.
If she's going to suffer the guilt, then she should at least enjoy the pleasure.
Turn around.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Do what? It.
Sex.
What we should have done in Juneau.
Sex? Yes.
You came here to have sex? Yes.
I think we should finish what we started.
A few hours ago, you wanted to strangle me.
Well, yeah, but that was a few hours ago.
What do you say? Uh, well- Yeah.
That's okay.
Sure.
Okay.
Have a seat.
Okay.
You want a drink? Um, no.
Do you? Uh, no.
Not really.
Okay.
It's good you came.
I mean, I'm glad.
Yeah? You sure you wanna have sex? Yes, absolutely.
Well, okay.
You're all comfortable? Yeah.
Mm.
Did you smoke a cigar? That's okay.
That's all right.
Uh- I like it.
Oh, God.
O'Connell.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Ah! Do you want me, Fleischman? Yeah.
I want you.
No, but do you- Do you really, really want me? I really, really, really, really want you.
Even if I fell asleep? It wouldn't matter.
Nothing would stand in your way? Nothing.
An earthquake, a forest fire, tidal wave.
That's great.
That's really great.
Yeah.
No, I mean- l-l- I feel much better now.
Yeah.
I mean, I really feel fine.
I feel good.
Yeah.
So, Fleischman - So, Fleischman, I'm gonna go home now.
What? Well, I mean - This was fabulous, Fleischman.
What are you talking about? We didn't do anything.
Yes, we did.
We did actually.
We did? Yes.
We did the most important part, you know, the want part.
The want part? Yes.
I wanted you to want me, and you wanted me.
Yeah, but what about the rest? The follow-through.
Consummation.
Yeah, well, I thought I needed that, but I don't.
I don't need that.
Yeah, but I do.
I need that.
Good night, Fleischman.
Thanks for making me so happy.
Oh.
Good morning, Cicely.
This is Bernard Stevens sitting in for my brother, Chris, whose pastoral duties have kept him away from the mike this a.
m.
He's crossing his T's and dotting his I's for his wedding homily.
You know, I've never been married, and the thought of it turns my knees to jelly.
And for that very reason, I doff my proverbial hat to those of you courageous enough to give it a go.
I mean, what are man and woman if not members of two very different and warring tribes? Yet decade after decade, century after century, they attempt in marriage to reconcile and forge a union.
Why? I don't know.
Biologic imperative? Divine law? Or just a desire to connect to that mysterious other? In any case, it's always struck me as a hopeful thing.
Beautiful, isn't it? Hey, I didn't think you were gonna make it.
Fleischman.
I gotta talk to you.
Where are your shoes? You think I didn't try? It was torture for me.
Listen, when the time is right, I want you to hand me this, okay? Me? Do you see anybody else here? All right.
So you're making me your best man.
No.
No, you are not my best man.
You're just handing me the ring.
All right.
Relax.
Come on.
We'll save one for you.
Yeah, I'll see you inside.
Everybody got their gloves? You guys look so bitchin'.
Let me see your nails.
Good, good, good, good.
Where's the cherry-pink polish? I don't wear nail polish, Shelly dear.
Oh, okay.
Eve.
Eve.
Your bouquet.
Adam gets a load of you, he is gonna flip out.
It's time.
Okay.
Okay.
This is it.
Don't be nervous.
Backs straight, boobs out, and don't forget to smile.
Let's go out there and kick butt.
Come on.
Come on.
Smile.
Smile, everybody.
Hi, babe.
Oh.
What am I gonna do? - I can't.
- What? - I can't go through with this.
- What? Is this dementia? Have you lost your mind? - I'm rich.
- What? - I'm an heiress.
- An heiress? Yes.
I'm rich.
Very, very rich.
Why didn't you tell me this before? I didn't want you to know.
You live with me for 12 years.
I cook for you, I give you physiotherapy, I time your medications, and you don't tell me you have money? It was none of your business! None of my business? Why was I cursed with a woman like you? You're nothing but a misery.
You're a knife in my heart.
Look, let's discuss this later.
Let's just get married now.
No.
No? If we get married, you'll have half my money.
I don't want half your money.
Oh, sure.
That's what you say now.
What do you think I am, some kind of a gold digger? I can't take that chance.
Excuse me.
I think I can help.
Okay.
This is a standard prenup I've used with several clients.
You just have to fill in some of the blanks.
You're not a lawyer.
Is this binding? Oh, absolutely.
Dr.
Fleischman here can serve as witness.
All right, all right.
Let's do it.
Wait a second.
Hold on now.
Let's just lay all our cards on the table, okay? We know what my net worth is.
Yeah.
Zippo.
Okay.
Well, what is yours? I mean, what am I signing off on here? - Do I have to answer? - Well, he should make an informed decision.
Twenty-two million.
Twenty-two million? You must have suspected something.
All the Christmas gifts my father sends - lightbulbs, automobile parts, cutlery.
What do they have in common? How should I know? Tungsten.
My father mines tungsten ore.
He is tungsten ore.
Where do you think all the money for the trips came from? China, Switzerland, Senegal.
- You said that was from our frequent flier mileage.
- And you believed me? The question is, in case of divorce, how much does he get? - Nothing.
- Nothing? You said you didn't want my money.
I don't.
I want what's fair.
I gotta look out for my interests.
A chef only has so many good years.
All right.
600 a month.
That's more than you're living on now.
Take it or leave it.
Oh, I see.
You think you can play on my vulnerability, huh? You think I'll jump at your first offer, eh? Uh, this could take some time.
Up the faucet.
That's right.
That'll get me somethin' there.
The fish is good.
Excuse me, Bill.
Shelly? I'm sorry, hon.
Yeah.
It's a real bummer.
I wanted it to be picture-perfect.
I mean, about us.
Us? About our not being married.
Why are you sorry about that? Well, I know how much holy matrimony means to you.
You said a girl spends her whole life waiting for it.
Yeah.
I figure you got so taken up with this wedding on account of I deprived you of your own.
That's not why.
It isn't? I'm kind of like a fan.
It's the same as hockey.
I mean, you can really get off watching it, but that doesn't mean you have to play.
Oh.
Besides, babe, you're the last guy I'd ever wanna marry.
I am? Yeah.
You're not the "settle down, have rug rats" kind of guy.
No way.
The only thing a chick wants from a stud like you is to grab your buns and shack up for a long, long time.
Oh.
Come here.
There you are.
Oh, don't-don't start with me, O'Connell.
What? I surrender.
I throw in the towel.
You win.
What-What do you mean? Whatever it is that we've been doing to one another, you are clearly the undisputed winner.
Fleischman, you're not making any sense.
Face it.
O'Connell, we're never gonna have a romantic relationship, okay? We're never even gonna have a superficial sexual relationship.
You know why? Why? Because neither one of us have the slightest clue as to what the other person is about.
Personally, I can't begin to fathom what goes on in your head.
Nothing you do conforms in any way to what I recognize as rational, logical behavior.
Let's just put aside our-our fantasies and our projections.
We'll draw a line in the sand- you on one side, me on the other.
It doesn't mean we have to throw stones.
We'll maintain a civil, cordial, professional relationship.
And that's all.
- You sure? - Did I not sound sure? Was there anything in my manner or tone that suggested that I wasn't sure? No.
- What? - I don't know.
I just- What? You're a great kisser.
- I am? - Mmm.
Hey, everybody.
We have a deal.
Marriage- it's a hard term to define, especially for me.
I've ducked it like root canal.
Still, there's no denying the fact that marriage ranks right up there with birth and death as one of the three biggies in the human safari.
It's the only one, though, that we'll celebrate with a conscious awareness.
Very few of you remember your arrival, and even fewer will attend your own funeral.
You pick a society, any society- Zuni, Ndembu, Pennsylvania Dutch.
What's the one thing that they all have in common? Marriage.
It's like a cultural handrail.
It- It links folks to the past and guides them to the future.
That's not all though.
Marriage is the union of disparate elements- male and female, yin and yang, proton and electron.
What are we talking about here? Nothing less than the very tension that binds the universe.
You see, when we look at marriage, people, we're looking at creation itself.
"I am the sky," says the Hindu bridegroom to the bride.
"You are the earth.
We are sky and earth united.
" The ring, please, Joel.
You are my husband.
You are my wife.
My feet shall run because of you.
My feet shall dance because of you.
My heart shall beat because of you, my eyes see because of you, my mind think because of you, and I shall love because of you.
Are you guys cool with that? Then kiss.