The Cleveland Show s03e22 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Say, Blood.
Hi, fellas.
Man, you are not gonna believe this.
Believe what?! You see that big hole over there on that wall? Yeah.
There's a bunny rabbit on the other side of that hole.
Really?! Yeah.
Look at it.
Cool! Draw a face on his ass! I'm going to draw a face on his ass! I think there's been a misunderstanding! I don't see a rabbit.
Pull his pants down, then he'll have a furrowed brow.
Hey, Roberta, your brother has horrible breath! Junior, for the last time, there are no rabbits at this school! Oh, bother.
"Oh, uncool brother" is more like it.
I peed.
Look, Junior, your nerd stank is starting to rub off on me.
Yeah, this isn't exactly a high point for me either.
We need to reinvent you, the way I reinvented myself the summer after seventh grade.
That summer, I realized I needed something that set me apart.
And when I returned to school for eighth grade, you should've seen the results.
The cap was a hit.
You need a new look.
Come on, we're going to the Fluvanna Mall.
Count to five before you follow me.
Yeah, I know the drill.
Bitch.
It's ready! Ladies and gentlemen, as the self-appointed and beloved editor of Slop Poppers' Wikipedia page He's the king! He's tasted them all! Those things are cancer in a box.
I must record the specimen's particulars for my next update.
All right Chipotle Clam! Mmm Nice bouquet.
Hints of leather.
Very clam forward.
The chipotle peppers were picked near Bakersfield, California, and never washed.
It's not on the label, but there's a bird in here.
The king! Junior, you've been in there for 45 minutes.
Whoops, I fell asleep.
Good morning.
Damn, you look good.
Hold on.
There you go, Junior.
Uh-uh! Junior died looking for a wall rabbit.
From now on, I'm CJ McCool.
No, wait, just CJ.
I'm so cool, I'll be known by one name, like Madonna and Hitler.
Ugh, Madonna's the worst.
Wow, a girl.
And she likes classic video games.
Go try your CJ on her.
She doesn't go to our school, so she won't recognize you.
Make it happen, CJ.
I'm gonna go get a five-minute public massage from an old Asian man.
Kiss my ass, fried egg! May I? That's Burger uh, Buntime! Nice.
I'm Daisy.
CJ.
I like your hair.
It's all "I don't care," but I know you do.
Well, we've already had dinner.
You want to go dancing? Or we could go for a drive.
Or I could rip your spine out with a finishing move.
You're funny.
Well, if you ever feel like hanging out, here's my number.
You've got really soft hands.
I sleep with socks filled with lotion on them.
That's so weird.
Call me.
Use your thumbs, Dong! Dang! There we go! Come on, bitch! That's it, baby.
Ain't nothing to it but to do it.
That mouthy cashier at the Rite-Aid asked when my baby's due.
These babies are due any day.
Hm.
All right, logging in to Wikipedia as Popperkingcleve42.
Now, Chipotle Clam.
Mmm, this is making me hungry.
Ah, here we go.
Late-Night Spicy Beefloaf Popper.
Rallo, what are you doing up? The back of the microwave is in my room.
The fan blows right on my face.
Well, since you're up, hop on my back.
One, two, two, two.
You're not going all the way down.
There it is.
Three four Wha? Someone changed the saturated fat count from 52 to 48! The sat-fat's been hacked! True Popper King? Oh, hell no! Let's just change this back to 52.
All right, True popper King, it's on.
I will find you, wrap foil around your Wikipenia, and cook it for two to two and-a-half minutes, as microwaves may vary! You tell him, baby! Come on, focus! Blast those abs, you beautiful monster.
Sweet air, Daisy.
Thanks.
After we got ice cream last night, I stopped and got you something.
And I had it customized for you.
Anderson Cooper with cornrows?! Just like my recurring nightmare I told you about! Oh, Daisy, I could kiss you.
You could.
Hey, freaks! Who's this, Daisy? Your prom date? Don't worry about them, CJ.
Well, I'd like to know what's so amusing about the idea of me going to a prom with Daisy? Uh, because it's disgusting.
Let's just go skate someplace else.
No.
You know what? That's not how CJ rolls.
Just so you know, we don't need to be accepted by a pack of future plastic surgery disasters who will get real estate licenses at 46 in a desperate attempt to find a third husband who will take care of them after their lips explode.
Run.
Wow.
Were you serious when you said you might actually go to prom with me? Of course! Oh, CJ.
I can't wait to see the look on everyone's faces when they see I've brought a girl to the prom.
Say what now? We'll be the first lesbian couple at my school's prom ever.
What?! I'm gonna go find us some matching Crocs to wear.
How could she possibly think Yeah, I see it.
What?! A lesbian?! How could she possibly think Yeah, I see it.
I probably should've been tipped off, but we just had so many interests in common: professional women's bowling, rescue dogs, wearing shorts every day no matter how cold it is Junior, you have to tell Daisy you're a guy.
But if I tell her, then I'll lose her! So what if I have to live as a girl? Serena Williams did it, and he won Wimbledon.
I'm just saying, a strong relationship has to be built on honesty, trust, and knowing if the other person has a wang.
Dang! Rallo, I need you to lure TruePopperking33 into a chat room and entice him to come over with some wine coolers.
Cleve-bro, sorry to bust in.
Too important.
Someone made a page for you.
And it wasn't me! That's not me! I've been photochopped! Hey, you got Angry Birds on that thing? No, I don't.
But I see it right there.
Can I play? Sorry, my mom said no one else can play with it.
'Nuff said, 'nuff said.
Oh, and there's a video.
Oh, thank God, it's not real.
Let me guess, you're here for my sister.
Daisy.
Hi, CJ! I got us dinner reservations for prom night.
And I looked into an apartment for the two of us.
Oh, boy.
Um Daisy I have to tell you something.
I can't go to the prom with you.
What? Why? I haven't been honest about who I am.
Oh, my God.
You're not out yet.
Beg pardon? Why is it so hot today? Look, I understand how hard this is.
It took me a long time to come out, too.
But trust me, it's worth it.
Whoa.
What's the female version of "boi-yoi-yoi-yoing"? Oh, the Bagel Bites have freezer burn.
Donna, you got that bread in your purse, right? And the lemon slices from the water.
Good girl.
Um, Mr.
Brown? Can I speak to you under the table for a moment? Of course.
I'm sorry, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your wife, but your credit card has been declined.
Declined!? You know, it's a little cramped down here.
Donna, switch? Okay.
Ah, that's better.
Declined?! I'm going to go to the bank and talk to Atm.
Declined!? But Atm Sorry, Mac.
This here car was reported stolen, bub.
Them's the breaks, pally.
What?! Why is this all happening? True Popper King! He's everywhere! Whoa! Private moment, Mr.
Carradine? No! I'm trying to prevent Truepopperking33 from infiltrating our house and my mind! Enough! To put an end to this nonsense, I called the Slop Popper company, and you and that other fat-ass with too much free time, are gonna settle this with a "Popper-Off" at Slop Popper Headquarters.
No way! And True Popper King said he'd show up if you're man enough to compete.
Is this man enough? Look! Look! It's up, it's up! Two inches! At least two inches! Ah, hernia! Something's very wrong! Okay, listen up, everybody.
I got a new girlfriend.
She's out on the porch, she's a lesbian, she thinks I'm a lesbian named CJ, and I'm gonna come out to you, and you're all gonna be supportive, all right? Okay.
Fine.
Whatever.
Seems about right.
Wait! Are we gay, too? No.
Then you should probably shave the mustache.
Just keeping everybody loose.
All right, we're ready.
Open the door.
Everybody, this is Daisy.
My girlfriend.
What?! You're a lesbian, CJ?! Get out of my house! God don't want this, CJ! God don't want this! I hate this gay family! Hold up! Everybody just take a beat.
Now, this here news might be troubling to some, but it doesn't change who CJ is.
She's still our kin, and we need to accept and love her.
He's right! Come here, CJ.
I accept and love you.
God loves all of his children, and if he can, So can I.
I love this gay family! Group hug! Wow, your family loves lesbians.
Yeah, you should see my dad's Internet history.
Junior, you shouldn't be messing with the prom.
It's a sacred event where kids say good-bye to high school by dancing, drinking, and giving birth in a bathroom stall.
I'm giving birth to tolerance in the bathroom stall of people's minds! Daisy, I thought we agreed on butch tux, Ellen kicks.
What happened? I'm not going, CJ.
Watch out, Martina Navratilova.
There's a new funny lesbian in town.
I'm serious.
The school board called my parents and said if we show up, they'll shut down the whole prom.
Daisy, this is gonna surprise you, but I've been bullied at my school, too.
On account of your voice? What? No! But you know what not fighting back gets you? More bullying.
I'm sorry, CJ.
I guess I'm just not the woman you are.
As God is my witness, I did not tape all this up for nothing! This lesbian is going to that prom! You have no ass, Ernie.
No ass.
I'm sorry, but I can't take you to the prom.
Do we know any real girls? I'm a real girl.
My stepsister would pretend to be my lesbian girlfriend? You would do that for me? I'd do it for CJ.
And I'll do it for you since I got you into this to begin with.
Roberta, if you liked black guys, I'd kiss you.
So, what am I supposed to do? Just stay home by myself and watch RuPaul's Drag Race? Nobody said anything about RuPa No, no.
I get it.
You want me to keep the wig on and watch RuPaul No, I'm not saying that at all.
I'm doing it! Welcome, contestants.
After today, one of you will be crowned the Ultimate Slop Popper Fan, and will appear on the cover of Sloppy Seconds Magazine.
So, who's it gonna be? Popperkingcleve42? Yay! Or is it Truepopperking33? Bring him on! I'm gonna slop the floor with this chump! You're Truepopperking33?! You're just a kid.
I thought 33 would be your age.
No, it's the number of times I had sex with your mom! Oh! She's an adult.
I'm sure she had her reasons.
Now, to quote our award-winning "Lets Stop Talking and Slop Popping!" First up, Slop Culture trivia.
Our founder, Miller N.
Green, created the Slop Popper after being fired from what field? Foreskin restoration! You're both correct! The year was 1968.
Bobby Kennedy is slain.
A nation mourns.
What kind of Slop Popper did Walter Cronkite have in his lap? Groovy Gravy Flavor! Correct! The year was 1994.
Courtney Love was eating a Slop Popper when she found the body of Kurt Cobain.
What flavor was she Grungy Gravy Flavor! I don't remember the '90s.
And now, it all comes down to The Excellency Round.
Stop this madness! Slop Popper creator, Miller N.
Green?! That's right! What the hell is going on here? We're competing to determine who's the biggest Slop Popper fan.
What?! My God, he's just a child! An overweight child.
And you, you're just a slob.
A fat slob with a mustache full of cheese.
A "cheese product.
" I don't want either of you associated with my company.
But I'm your most loyal customer.
I eat five Slop Poppers a day! As do I, also, too, as well! Five a day?! How are you alive? Slop Poppers were meant to be a rare treat, the delicate reward for a bridge well built, a channel well swum, or a foreskin well restored.
You both make me sick.
You have left me no choice.
Shut down production on all Slop Poppers-- permanently! You heard the old man's rash decision! Close down the billion-dollar business! We destroyed the thing we love the most.
And I stole $2,200 from your bank account and registered you as a sex offender in nine states.
Then I shall move to France, like that Oscar-winning child rapist, Roman Polanski.
Au revoir.
You ready to be a gay icon? I'm like a fat Judy Garland.
No, Junior.
Liza Minnelli is like a fat Judy Garland.
Let's go.
You're not welcome here.
Your non-traditional sexual preference is ruining everyone's good time.
You were warned.
If you don't leave now, we will shut down this prom for everyone.
All right, I'll go.
But I want to say something first.
Hi.
I'm CJ, the one you all assume is a lesbian.
Well, the truth is, I'm not a lesbian.
I'm a boy.
Hey! And my date? She's my sister.
Stop it! I was supposed to come here with someone else.
But she was bullied not to come because she's different.
You should be proud of who you are.
I tried to change who I was.
And look what happened.
I'm a guy pretending to be a girl, at a prom, at a school I don't go to, with my sister as half of a lesbian couple.
Daisy, what are you doing here? I thought you might try something like this, and I wanted to make sure you were okay.
I just didn't know you had a penis! I'm sorry I lied to you.
Hey, I'm the one who thought you were a lesbian just because you look exactly like a black Chaz Bono.
Come on, CJ, let these kids have their stupid prom.
You can't leave your own prom without having at least one dance.
Are you gay? Who cares? Hey, at least it's not two guys, right? Yeah.
Could you imagine if it was? I mean, that would be crazy, right? You know, if you took your toned arms and wrapped them around my waist and pulled me in close.
Oh, yeah, right.
You mean like this? This is hilarious.
I love you, Leon.
Come on CJ, get in here.
Roberta, next time we do a makeover, let's leave no doubt that I'm a man who likes the ladies.
Why do I listen to you?!