The Simpsons s03e22 Episode Script

##Ahh, the Simpsons ## D'oh! Hey, Homer, let's book! I want to whip eggs at the warm-up act.
Wow, my concert-going jacket still fits.
And this is where I used to hide my beer.
Billy Beer! My little guy's first rock concert.
I hope the Spinal Taps don't play too loud.
Oh, I went to thousands of heavy metal concerts and it never hurt me.
I hear you.
Come on, boy.
There goes Davy Crockett in his bald-skin cap.
In other Spinal Tap news Mayor Quimby honored the aging super group in a ceremony at city hall.
''Tapping'' into the ''spines'' of young voters, huh? Let's play the tape.
Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket.
It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics.
Meet me here after the show.
Thanks, Dad.
You won't be bored? Boy, some of the best times I've ever had were in the back seat of a car.
Ohhh Oh, baby.
Ahh.
Official tour '92 T-shirts, $31 .
Check it out-- Spinal Tap kicking Moammar Khadafy in the butt.
A timeless classic.
Hey, Bill and Marty here.
And we're rapping with the Tap.
Fellas, this phrase has dogged you throughout your career-- ''Washed up.
'' Yet you're among the top 1 05 concert acts today.
What's your secret, guys? After the Berlin Wall fell our records started selling on the dismal side of the Iron Curtain.
That gave us a boost.
We're big in Bulgaria, and the other Garia.
Hungaria? Who's benefited more from the death of communism than us? Maybe the people who live in communist countries.
I bet you're right.
But we each just bought our own soccer team.
How many Hungarios can say that? Test test Gee, I'm sorry, man.
Huh? About the frisbee.
Frisbee? Would you mind recording some promos? Like what? Maybe you could say ''Nobody rocks like Bill and Marty on KBBL.
'' We don't know that.
What if somebody rocks as good as you? Or better.
We don't want to look stupid.
We respect that.
How about, ''Rock-a-doodle-doo! You're listening to Bill and Marty''? - Yeah, sure.
- That's good.
Tap! Tap! Tap! There's puddles of water all over the freakin' stage.
Well, I don't want to lie.
Six days a week the place is a hockey rink.
Well, this is a rock concert not the bleedin' splish-splash show.
Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls Duff Beer, in association with Laramie Cigarettes is proud to welcome Spinal Tap! Medium setting.
Thank you! All right! This morning we were driving down route 401 .
That's only four miles from my house! And we thought they could rock in Shelbyville.
But nobody rocks like Springfield! Well, it seems some silly twit did not get a big enough oxygen pump but that's supposed to be a devil.
Filled with air, it's very evil and impressive.
We salute you, our half-inflated dark lord! - Oy! - Oy! Oy! People think there are only five members of Spinal Tap but they're wrong.
Could we turn up the house lights? That was the cue to turn up the lights so we can tell the audience they're the sixth member of the freakin' group! We are trying to put a tiny thrill into their gray little lives.
Oh, forget it.
Turn on the lasers.
Aah! My vision.
That's it.
Show's over.
Good night, Springden.
There will be no encores.
They were only on for 20 minutes.
What a gyp.
Gnarly show, man.
Want to trash the stage? Okay.
Aah! Tonight the city weeps as for the first time ever a hockey arena becomes the scene of violence following a concert by Spinal Tap.
I hope my poor little baby's okay.
See for yourself.
Unh! It would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with rock and roll.
After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's The Magic Flute.
So, what's the answer-- ban all music? In this reporter's opinion, the answer is yes.
Hi, Mom.
Oh Oh, thank God.
Mom, I want to be a rock star.
Mm We'll discuss it later.
Is Milhouse okay? Uh I'll be right back.
Help! Help! I've been thinking about what Bart said.
If he's really interested in being a musician let's buy him a guitar.
We already have a guitar.
I meant a real guitar.
This is real.
Wow! And it came with a free instruction book.
We spent a lot of money so you get real good, real fast, or pow.
! Homer! I thought I was supposed to encourage him.
I'd like to play me latest chart topper.
It's called ''Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs.
'' Bart, you've got to go on.
Slag off.
You've changed, man.
It used to be about the music.
I said slag off!.
Cool! Knock it off.
I'm sorry.
Knock it off!.
I's just jammin' with ya.
Hey, Simpson what are you trying to play? ''Polly-wolly Doodle.
'' Oh, yeah? Well, it sounds Polly-wolly crappy.
Burn.
Hey, cherry ax, Bart dude.
I think it's broken.
Oh, really? Give it here.
I didn't know you played the guitar, Otto man.
That's all I did in high school.
My old man said I was wasting my time and I'd never amount to anything.
I, uh Hmm.
Now I'd like to slow things down a little bit.
Although I'm sure I will receive a wedgie from my bus mates I must remind you we should have been at school ten minutes ago.
Uh-oh.
Better fasten your seat belts, little dudes.
We don't have seat belts.
Uh Well, then just try to go limp.
Better take a shortcut.
Good show last night.
Yeah, quite good.
Good Lord! Did anyone get the license number? - Gee, I forgot.
- Uh, no.
Yay! Whee! It's a miracle no one was hurt.
I stand on my record-- a single fatality.
Let's see your license, pal.
No can do.
Never got one.
If you need proof of my identity I wrote my name on my underwear.
Oh, wait-- these aren't mine.
Until you get a license and wear your own underwear you are suspended without pay.
Who will drive the bus? I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang.
I think I can handle it.
Where's Otto? That's one palindrome you won't be hearing for a while.
Off we go.
Oh, there's an opening.
Oh, too late.
Nope, nope Uh That would cut it a little close.
You have to be more aggressive, sir.
Nonsense.
One of our good citizens will slow down and wave me in.
Nope.
What's so funny? I was thinking about the time Homer caught his nose in the toaster.
We'll watch the tape tonight.
You got someone at your window.
My name's Patty.
I'll be testing you.
When you do good, I use the green pen.
When you do bad, I use the red pen.
Any questions? Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? No offense, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me.
I'm open-minded.
I won't be needing this.
All right! Yeah! How did I do? Well, you failed every segment and misspelled ''bus'' on your application.
Drag.
Let me in.
Let me in! Shut up! Hey, Landlord, some clown changed my locks padlocked the door, and put up an eviction notice.
Yeah.
That was me.
You? Well, uh Why? You haven't paid your rent.
Can I at least get my stuff? All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old Cycle magazines.
Wow! I had mustard? Rough day, Apu.
Pump me a squishee and don't spare the syrup.
Perhaps you'd like to try an experimental flavor of mine-- a delicious chutney squishee.
Uh Okay.
You can really taste the chutney.
Ow! Otto man? You're living in a Dumpster? Oh, man, I wish.
Dumpster brand trash bins are top-of-the-line.
This is just a Trash-co waste disposal unit.
Come home with me.
You can stay in our garage.
A garage! Somebody up there likes me.
Whoo! Hey.
Bart, what's going on? Mom, I thought you might forget our conversation this afternoon so I took the precaution of recording it.
What conversation? Mom, can Otto live in our garage? He sure can.
Marge, what were you thinking? That's not my voice.
Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.
I don't understand this.
Why can't you stay with your parents? The admiral and I don't get along.
Please, I've got nowhere else to go.
Forget it-- That line didn't work for my dad and it won't work for you.
Otto's going through a tough time.
Can't he stay for a while? I know we didn't ask for this, Homer but doesn't the Bible say ''Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers that you do unto me''? But doesn't the Bible also say ''Thou shalt not take moochers into thy hut''? Please, Dad? If you let Otto stay he'll help around the house and chip in a few bucks.
All right, he can stay but I get to treat him like garbage.
Wow, what's the catch? The can of corn costs 57 ¢! I could sure go for a can of corn.
Otto you can't just sit there watching TV all day.
You're right.
I should do a little reading.
Uh, you got any of those Where's Waldo? books? No.
- Anything from the vampire's point of view? - No.
Anything where guys send in naked pictures of their chicks? You should get a job.
The only thing I was ever good at was bus driving and now I need a piece of paper to do that.
So get that piece of paper.
I tried! Oh, Lord, how I did try.
Knock it off!.
I can't hear myself think.
I want some peanuts.
That's better.
How come you never play your guitar anymore? I'll tell you the truth.
I wasn't good at it, so I quit.
I hope you're not mad.
Son, come here.
Of course I'm not mad.
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio your karate outfit, and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
What's on? It doesn't matter.
Open up! Open up! I got to go, and no fooling.
Hey, Pop-N-Fresh! You're supposed to giggle.
Gyyaaagh!! That guy has got to go.
I know how you feel but he is good with the kids.
So the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind.
So, finally, she swerved off the road into the woods and lost the other car and that's when she realized the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her.
No-- He was trying to warn her about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat! Did the maniac kill her? Natch.
You know how I know? How? Because I was that maniac.
Hey, I was just kidding.
That's it.
He's out of here.
But we're the only family he's got.
This is not Happy Days, and he is not the Fonz.
Hey-y-y, Mr.
S.
Listen, you drain-clogging, last-cookie-eating collect-call-getting sponge.
I want you out of my house.
Heavy.
What will you do, Otto? Oh, don't worry.
There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.
Before you do that maybe you should take the driving test again.
I can't pass that thing.
I got a zero last time.
This time I'm hung over.
You can do it.
You're the coolest adult I ever met.
Wow.
I've never been called an adult before.
I've been tried as one, but I'll do it.
''Alcohol increases your ability to drive.
'' False?! Oh, man! I don't know about this, Bart dude.
Your dad is right.
I am a bum.
He didn't call you a bum.
He called you a sponge.
Sponge?! Does this look like something a sponge would do?! I'll show him who's a sponge.
Well, if it isn't Wee Willy Washout.
- I want to take the test again.
- Why? So I can staple my license to Homer Simpson's big bald head! Really? Well, here's your written test.
I'll get you started.
''B,'' ''C,'' ''D,'' ''A,'' ''B'' Homer had a piece of food on his face for three days.
It wasn't little either.
It was a chicken wing.
Wing! Ooh, what was that? It doesn't matter.
Let's get some margaritas.
I'm buying.
Otto! That's what my driver's license says.
Yes, hail to the bus driver bus driver man.
- Shh!