All In The Family s03e23 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Hey, Ma, what's for dinner tonight? Dinner? You just had lunch.
It's only 2:00 in the day.
Reading makes me hungry.
Anything makes you hungry.
I think even eating makes you hungry.
Oh, I don't think that could be right, Archie.
Eating don't make you hungry.
Eating makes you feel Will you stifle yourself, huh? All right.
Mike, we're having Archie's footlong hot dogs for dinner.
That reminds me, they gotta defrost.
I better go get them.
Which way you going? The kitchen ain't that way.
Well, they ain't in our kitchen.
they're in Louise Jefferson's kitchen.
Why? Because I asked her to put the hot dogs in her freezer because ours was full.
Oh, now, Edith, are we gonna have them footlongs for supper? Sure! I'm going right away.
Oh, hi, Gloria.
I'll be right back.
Hi, Gloria.
How are you? Hi, Michael.
Hey, what's the matter? Don't I get a kiss? Uh, I've got on fresh lipstick.
Oh.
Did you get my library books? No, I didn't.
What is this? I got no kiss.
I got no books.
Got no brains.
Do you mind? Gloria, what's the matter? Nothing's the matter.
Nothing's the matter? You come in here.
You ignore me to my face.
You didn't bring my library books.
You tell me there's nothing the matter? I think there's something the matter.
Nothing's the matter.
If nothing's the matter, will you shut up over there? Hey, will you butt out of this? This is between Gloria and me.
Anything under my four walls is also between me.
Daddy, it's got nothing to do with you.
Gloria, don't you realize, without those books, I'm gonna look like an idiot in class? Imagine the meathead worrying about that.
I know you never worry about it.
You want to start up with me, huh? Yeah, I want to start right now.
Will you two stop it? It's bad enough it's like a jungle on the streets.
Do I have to come home to one? Gloria, what is the matter with you? You're acting strange.
You look different.
Hey, that's not your sweater.
That's right, it's Trudy's.
It's also Trudy's skirt.
Well, where are your own clothes? They got dirty.
How did they get dirty? They got dirty from dirt.
Dirt makes clothes dirty.
I mean, you don't expect them to get clean, do you? I expect a rational answer.
That's what I expect.
Oh, for crying out loud, Gloria, tell him how your clothes got dirty, huh? Oh, will you stop hounding me? I ain't hounding you.
Gloria, what is going on? You're both hounding me! I'm not hounding you! I'm just-- I'm back! [ARGUING.]
[WHISTLES LOUDLY.]
Let's talk about something important, huh? Did you get the footlong hot dogs? The Jeffersons ain't home, but I left a note on their door.
Now, listen, Edith, I got my mouth all set for them footlongs tonight.
We gonna have them? If they read the note.
What did you say in the note? I said, "Emergency, we need hot dogs.
P.
S.
Please read fast.
" [GROANS.]
Ma, Ma, could I please see you in the kitchen? Oh, sure, Gloria.
I hope Louise Jefferson reads that note.
Archie's gonna be awful mad if he don't get his footlong hot dogs.
Ma Ma, I have to talk to you.
All right, I'm all ears.
Well, I can't start talking just like that! Oh, all right.
Would you like some coffee? No, Ma, thanks.
This reminds me of the time when you was a little girl.
We used to talk a lot in the kitchen, remember? And I used to teach you how to make gingerbread men.
Things aren't like that nowadays, Ma.
There are no gingerbread men anymore.
No, you're a grown-up lady now.
Yeah, Ma.
Is that a new sweater? Oh, uh, no it's Trudy's.
I, uh, I changed and took a shower at Trudy's.
You showered at Trudy's? Ma they're, uh they're putting up a new apartment building where the old Rialto Theater was.
The Rialto.
That's where Archie and me saw The Best Years of our Lives-- Fredric March and Myrna Loy.
Ma, I I was walking past the construction site today.
Yeah? Whenever I walk past a construction site, I like to look through the peepholes in the fence to watch the men working.
One time there was somebody on the other side, looking out.
Ma, I am trying to talk to you! Well, I'm just talking until you're ready.
Well, I'm ready! Well, all right, go ahead! Well I don't like walking by there because the workers are always whistling and making comments.
So I told Michael about it once, and he said, "Don't walk by there anymore.
" Well, it's Saturday.
Nobody's working.
So I thought I'd save myself a few steps, and then it happened.
It happened so fa-- Gloria, did I tell you Mabel Hefner bought a new sofa? It happened so fast It's all green velvet I didn't know what was happening.
with little brass buttons on the corner.
I didn't even see the man coming at me.
He jumped out from behind.
He grabbed me, and he pulled me behind the fence and he-- [SOBBING.]
Mabel says it'll be too dark for the room.
[SOBBING.]
Oh, Mom.
Oh, Gloria.
I don't understand this.
I mean, Gloria comes home.
She doesn't want to kiss me.
That never happened before.
Maybe she finally took a good look at you.
You know, you're the most sensitive man I know.
Ah, come on.
What's the big deal about a kiss, anyway? Outside a couple of wet lips, what does it get you? You get to be my age, you'll learn that there's more to marriage than just kissing.
Like what? Like making a living.
Michael, Gloria is all right, so don't get upset when she tells you.
Upset? When she tells me what? Gloria? Honey, tell me, what's the matter? Michael, a man grabbed me down at the construction site.
You got mugged.
Mugged? Who got mugged? She did.
Gloria got mugged? No, Archie, Gloria didn't get mugged.
You got mugged going for the hot dogs? No! Who the hell got mugged? Will you please stay out of this? I want to find out what's going on.
No, I ain't gonna stay out of it.
You say somebody got mugged.
Who got mugged? I thought Gloria did.
Did you? Gloria, what happened, honey? I was attacked.
Huh? You mean "attacked" attacked? Yeah, and she was very lucky.
[HOWLING.]
What? What the hell is lucky about that? Oh, no, I didn't mean-- I fainted.
That's what was lucky.
You, you fainted? Yes, yes, and and when I did he, he must have got scared and ran away because well, maybe because he thought I was dead.
I, I don't know.
I was so frightened, you see, and, well, he dragged me behind the wood there, and he pushed me down, and then well, he put a scarf or something in my mouth so that I couldn't scream and then I felt my clothes tearing and his hands on me, and then I passed out and when I came to, I-- He was gone.
That's all right.
That's all right.
That's all right.
[SOBBING.]
You okay now? Yes, Michael, I'm okay.
He didn't--? No, he didn't! Okay, okay, okay.
Well, thank God for that.
[DOORBELL BUZZES.]
I'll get it.
Wait a minute, Ma.
I want to first go put my own clothes on, and I'll come with you.
Ma, no matter who it is, please don't say anything about what happened.
No, I won't.
Why is she afraid to say anything about it? I mean, as long as the guy didn't get her, she got nothing to be ashamed of.
[DOORBELL BUZZES.]
Go on with your daughter there.
I'll answer the bell.
Yeah, hi, Mr.
Bunker.
Oh, hi there, Lionel.
Yeah, we just got home and read Mrs.
Bunker's note.
Oh, yeah, well, where's the footlong hot dogs? Well, see, Mom was defrosting the freezer and she took them out, and Wilma ate them.
Wilma? Who's Wilma? Our dog.
The dog ate a dozen footlong hot dogs? Yeah, she's laying in the kitchen.
She can't get up.
Lionel, what the hell are we going to have for supper here? Well, Mom felt real bad, so she said you could have these TV dinners.
Oh, jeez, I wish Wilma ate the TV dinners.
Oh, no, she won't touch ravioli.
EDITH: Archie, who was that at the door? Oh, that was Lionel.
Wilma the dog ate the footlong hot dogs I've been craving all day long.
Take these.
Thanks a lot, Edith.
You shot another Saturday to hell.
My supper is attacked by a neighbor's dog, my daughter's attacked walking the streets.
What the hell am I sitting here for? Let me call the cops.
No, no, I don't think Gloria wants to tell the police about it now.
What do you mean, she don't want to tell the police about it? That guy might still be lurking around the neighborhood like Jack the Raper.
Hey, operator, give me the police, will you? Gloria's too embarrassed to talk about it.
What are you saying? Don't you understand? That fiend is still around there.
He could attack anybody.
He could attack you.
Them guys don't care who they grab.
Don't stand there.
Take that ravioli out of my sight, will you? Oh, hello, is this the police? Archie Bunker, Yeah, I want to report my daughter was attacked.
No, no.
No, no, no, not raped.
If she was raped, I wouldn't say nothing about it.
No, it's just a simple case of assault with batteries.
That's why I'm reporting.
Yeah, well, I'll hold the line.
Daddy, who are you calling? I am calling the law, little girl.
Why are you putting me through this? Gloria, you're the only one that knows what the guy looks like.
You gotta tell the cops.
Mike's right, Gloria.
Not you too, Ma.
You listen to your mother always.
Gloria, I know how you feel-- Shut up.
Got me through to the detectives here.
I don't want to go to the police.
I'm embarrassed to talk about it anymore.
All right, thank you very much.
Yes, yes.
Bye-bye.
Well, your troubles are over, little girl.
You don't have to go down and talk to the cops after all.
Oh, thank you, Daddy.
There's a cop coming over here.
Thank you, Mrs.
Stivic.
That's a pretty good description of the guy.
I got a hunch this is a person we know.
There, Edith, you hear what the officer says? Maybe the police know this person.
Well, what happens now? Well, they find him and arrest him, right? Well, apprehending a suspect is one thing.
Convicting him is something else.
Let me tell you something: Forty thousand arrests in this country for rape last year, and less than 10 percent convictions.
Well, this guy will make 11%.
Why don't we get more convictions? Because the defense attorneys get these rapists off.
Now you take your case, for instance.
Lawyer gets you up on top of that witness stand, and he might ask you something like, um, do you often walk past that building site? No, Michael told me not to.
Why? Did he know you were seeing this man? I wasn't seeing him.
I saw him for the first time today when he jumped me.
Oh, you saw this man today after your husband told you to stay away from the building site? Well, it's Saturday.
I thought it'd be all right-- You didn't have to walk on that side of the street, did you? Even a chicken can cross the road if he wants to get on the other side.
Hey, hey, that's very true.
Well, what about it? You didn't have to walk on that side of the street, did you? You don't have to make insinuations like that.
Listen, I ain't making insinuations.
I'm just trying to tell you what these lawyers do.
Some of those guys do anything to get their clients off.
That's how they earn a living.
By sending rapists back onto the streets? That's right, and some of our judges and juries give them a little help too, you know.
I was on a jury once, a murder trial.
Oh, stifle yourself, will you? The detective ain't interested in no ren-emiscences of yours.
Go make coffee, huh? Oh, sure, Archie.
Excuse me.
Officer, what other questions might a lawyer ask Gloria? Well, like, do you go out with other men? No.
You don't have no men friends? That's not what you asked me.
Of course I have some men friends.
What's wrong with that? Most of them are my friends too.
Oh, like who? Oh, like, guys from school-- Lionel, Szabo.
Szabo? Oh, forget Szabo, he don't count.
He's only a Hungarian.
The guy is a painter.
A housepainter? Oh, no, he don't paint that good.
He's a portrait painter.
Gloria posed for him.
Posed for him, huh, Gloria? Yes.
Oh, now, come on, let's not get into this, huh? Daddy, there's nothing wrong with what I did.
I posed for Szabo in the nude.
Oh, shush! Oh, you're a nude model, huh, Gloria? No, I'm not a nude model.
I posed for Szabo because he's our friend.
Sure, sure, sure.
You were just being friendly.
I'd say being nude, alone in a studio with a painter was being very, very friendly.
Were you being friendly when you passed that building site? What do you think you're trying to do? I'm just trying to show your wife what to expect when she gets on that witness stand.
Yeah, that's all.
And wait till you see what the DA says to the rape guy when he gets him on the witness stand, right? Wrong.
The accused is not required to appear on the stand.
I don't believe it.
But the victim, she has to take the stand! This is like a nightmare.
[DOORBELL BUZZES.]
I'll get that.
Oh, you got some visitors.
No, no, stay right where you are.
I'll get rid of them.
Oh, hi there, Jefferson.
Hi, Bunker.
Uh, Jefferson, look, uh, we got something important going here, so do you mind? Oh, that's all right.
I won't take long.
I'll just be in and out.
Let's have the last part first, huh? [LAUGHS.]
Ah, Bunker, Bunker, you got a great sense of humor for a white man.
Look, my sister is very upset over the tragedy that your hot dogs suffered while under her care.
So if you'll just tell me where to go Oh for the hot dogs, I mean I'll be very glad to buy you a whole new batch of footlongs.
Footlong hot dogs? No kidding.
Say, I haven't tasted them in years.
Where do you get them? Oh, the only place around here is Hinklemeyer's, over on Northern Boulevard.
Wait a minute, let me get this down.
Hinklemeyer's, Northern Boulevard.
Can we forget the damn hot dogs? What's the matter with you? The man likes the hot dogs.
Hey, listen, I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll drop the hot dogs off on my way back.
Wait, would you mind getting me some too? That's a five-dollar bill I give you there.
How many do you want? Just get me a couple of feet, unless they're cheaper by the yard.
[OFFICER AND CHARLIE LAUGH.]
I feel like the straight man in a white minstrel show.
What's the matter with that guy? Oh, don't pay no attention to him.
He's one of them colored guys who's always trying to make fun of us regular people.
Listen, tell us, what else goes on in the courtroom? Wait a minute.
I don't think I want to go on with this.
Once you get into court, you'll have no choice.
They're gonna ask you questions like, "What clothes were you wearing when you enticed that poor guy on the building site?" Entice? I didn't entice-- Were you wearing a tight sweater? No.
Mini-skirt? It was short, but it's not a mini.
You get a kick out of guys whistling at you? No.
You enjoy egging them on? No! Like today? No! Yes, you do.
No! No! All right.
All right, that's enough.
That's enough.
Gloria-- Just leave me alone, Michael! Look, I know you're trying to help, but don't you think you came down on her a little too hard? Ma, I don't think I can go through with all those questions in court.
Gloria, all day today I've been smelling Rockaway Beach.
What? I remember lots of things through the smell.
Archie used to say, "Edith, your memory's in your nose and the rest of your brain is in your little finger.
" Ma, what about Rockaway Beach? It was a double date with a couple of wrong numbers that Elsie Argyle got to know from working the switchboard.
Oh, at first it was kind of fun.
One of the boys could bend his thumbs all the way back until they touched his wrists.
Elsie got him.
Ma, I know you're trying to make a point here somewhere.
Sit down, Gloria.
Me and my date was coming out of the penny arcade where we'd been playing the pinball machines, and he took me aside and he said, "How'd you like a malted under the boardwalk?" A little voice inside of me said, "No!" but on the outside I said, "Okay.
" Oh, Ma.
Well, I don't have to tell you there was no malted under the boardwalk.
Just a wrong number, grabbing at me and pushing me down.
Just like what happened to me today.
Yeah, only with sand.
Ma, what happened? He didn't-- Oh, no.
I ran from him like crazy.
But how did you get away from him? Well, my father taught me two things.
One was, never order hamburger in a drug store and the other was something about knees.
Oh, Ma.
Gloria, I never told no one about this before, because in my time, we was too scared to talk open.
But what I'm saying is maybe we should have, because over the years, I've often wondered how many other girls that man got under the boardwalk and how many didn't get away.
DETECTIVE: Listen, who knows with juries? Sometimes they take a look at a cute dame like your wife and figure she asked for it.
Maybe they're right.
What do you mean, "Maybe they're right"? I mean, a smart lawyer is going to do everything he can to make her look bad.
Take that posing in the nude your wife done.
Now, you tell me that's all right.
Maybe it is.
But that's all a smart lawyer got to hear.
Hear that, Meathead? That's your fault.
You let her go bare in front of that Hungarian.
You want that to come out in court? You want to put your wife through that? Of course not, but what alternatives do we have? We don't need no what-do-you-call, alternative.
All we need is something else to do.
Michael.
Gloria, look.
No, uh, Michael, I have to tell you something.
I've decided to do whatever I have to do to catch that man.
Good, we'll notify you when we make the arrest.
Good? Everything you've said has gone against taking this thing into court.
Wait a minute, I never said that.
You just asked me what was going to happen to her in court, and I told you.
Now if you're asking me what to do as a police officer, I say make the complaint and follow through with it all the way.
Well, we're going to.
No, no, no, we're not going to.
That's right, we're not going to.
Well, what about all this talk to me about my duty to the community? Listen, little girl-- Will you just stay out of this? Let me handle it.
Ask her about her duty to herself.
Ask her about her duty to her family.
Ask her if she wants to be in the papers.
Will you please--? Talk, then! Gloria, I don't want you getting up on that witness stand and getting smeared like you were some kind of a tramp.
Yeah, you want to look like some kind of a tramp? Archie, please! Look, are you reporting it or not? No, no, we're not reporting it.
Thank you very much, officer.
But, Michael, I-- Gloria! I know what's best for my wife.
Look, I ain't got all day here.
We ain't going to report it there, officer.
I want to thank you for coming over so fast.
Okay.
There is one other thing.
Yeah? You know that colored guy that was here before? Yeah.
You know him pretty good? Yeah, he's a neighbor, why? Is he really coming back with those footlong hot dogs? Yeah, he'll be back with them okay.
You know, I gave him five bucks.
Oh, no, don't worry about that.
He's one of the good ones.
Oh, good.
Have him drop them over at the precinct for me, will you? Hey, I'll drop them off there myself.
Thanks a million.
Thanks for coming.
Michael Michael, are you sure we're doing the right thing? No, I'm not sure we're doing the right thing, Gloria.
I don't know what the right thing is.
I know I'm trying to do the right thing for you! You should have heard some of the things that guy said.
Some of those things will make your flesh stand on end.
But Daddy, that maniac is still out there on the streets somewhere, and so are a lot of innocent girls! What about them? Let them bring him into court if they want to! I ain't responsible for all the girls in New York.
Gloria, all I care about is you.
That's right, and that's what he should, care about his own wife.
And the women under his roof.
All right, Arch.
I said it, okay? Well, I want to say it again.
It's everybody for himself in this world.
As our president said in his re-negural address, "You're on your own.
" Don't expect Don't expect nothing from nobody, especially the government.
You should sit down and ask yourself, "What can I do for myself?" and find out what you can do for yourself, go out and do it for yourself.
The more people done that, this be a better country in which to live in.
Do for your own, take care of your own.
That's the rule.
That's what we done here today.
We took care of our own.
Hot dogs, everybody! Oh, yeah.
Great.
Great.
Hold it! Hold it just a minute here.
Them ain't my footlongs.
Oh, no, Archie.
Mr.
Jefferson was only able to get the regular six-inch kind.
Oh, well, I ain't gonna eat none of them.
Oh, Daddy, what's the difference? Just put two of them together.
No good.
Why? They taste the same.
No, they don't.
They taste shorter.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.