Get Smart (1965) s03e23 Episode Script

( knocks ) Uh, right away, 99.
( knocks ) All right.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
a fantastic disguise.
- I never would have recognized you.
- But-- but I'm not 99.
See, what did I tell you? Please, Mr.
Smart, take it easy.
Talk softly, I beg of you.
( whispering ) Oh, I get it.
You came here to deliver a secret message.
Secret? Heavens no! I want the whole world to know about this.
You do? - The why are we whispering? - Please, Mr.
Smart, there is no need for shouting.
Well, if we talk any softer, we'll have to send each other letters.
Who are you anyway? My name is Albert Pfister.
P-f-i-s-t-e-r.
The "P" is silent like in pneumonia.
Oh, really? You know that's very strange.
I had the same problem with the last "L" in "Maxwell.
" Look, Mr.
Pfister, I really would like to talk to you, but I don't have any time.
My associate is coming to pick me up.
Oh, but look, it won't take a moment.
I represent the-- Uh, please, Mr.
Pfister, we already gave at the office.
Oh, but that's impossible.
I couldn't find your CONTROL office.
Well, of course not, Mr.
Pfister.
CONTROL is one of the most highly secret government agencies in the world.
Wait a minute.
If you couldn't find CONTROL, how did you know where to find me? Oh, I telephoned KAOS and they gave me this address.
Oh yes, of course.
You see, Mr.
Smart, you must listen to me.
The world is destroying itself with its own sounds.
Loud automobiles, squeaky shoes, noisy machines cranking out other noisy machines.
Yes, well, that's what we call progress.
Then we must reverse progress.
We have to take the world back to the beginning-- when it was peaceful, quiet, tranquil, when a man could even hear a blade of grass growing.
Oh, please, Mr.
Smart, sign my petition.
Uh, your petition.
Yes, well-- it wouldn't do me any good to sign your petition, Mr.
Pfister.
You see, I'm a spy and my fountain pen is filled with invisible ink.
Now if you'll just excuse me, please.
Mr.
Smart, join my crusade, I beg of you.
Help me to eliminate all the noise in the world before it's too late.
- ( car honks ) - Oh.
( honks ) Excuse me, but that's my associate now.
Well, won't you-- won't you please sign my petition? I'm sorry, Mr.
Pfister, but I can't sign that petition.
Quiet is un-American.
You were my last hope, Mr.
Smart.
Since you won't help me eliminate the noise of the world, I'll just have to eliminate the world itself.
Look, Max, there it is.
So that's the new secret message drop.
( silent ) Max, it exploded! I don't understand, 99.
The whole thing blew up without a sound.
But that's impossible.
Explosions make noise and we didn't hear a thing.
- Then what happened to the statue, Max? - I don't know.
That's unbelievable.
The statue blew up without a sound.
What could have caused it? ( laughs quietly ) ( theme music playing ) It's incredible, absolutely unbelievable.
Are you sure you were looking directly at that statue when it blew up? Yes, chief, it exploded in complete silence.
I could hardly believe my eyes.
It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
Uh almost.
We're in trouble.
It looks as if KAOS has come up with a weapon that could completely revolutionize the art of sabotage: - A silent explosive.
- Yes.
And there's only one man who could be responsible for it.
Their vice president in charge of public relations and terror.
My old enemy Siegfried.
I think I'd better have a talk with Mr.
Siegfried.
Good thinking, Max, but how are you gonna find him? Very simple, 99.
I happen to know that Ludwig will be at the Smithsonian Institute at 9:00 A.
M.
on Tuesday.
Max, who cares about Ludwig? What about Siegfried? Chief, you don't understand.
"Ludwig" is the KAOS code name for Siegfried.
And "9:00 A.
M.
on Tuesday" is actually 11:00 A.
M.
on Thursday.
It's almost that time now.
You'd better get started for the Smithsonian right away.
Chief, "the Smithsonian" is the KAOS code name for "park.
" Max, get going right away! Right, chief.
Listen, why don't you try that on your head for a while? Well, 99, that statue is KAOS's new secret message drop.
Isn't that strange, Max, KAOS having a secret message drop in the same park where we have ours? What's so strange about that? They pay their taxes the same way we do.
They're entitled.
Max, they represent evil.
are open to everybody, regardless of race, creed or purpose.
I don't see Siegfried.
He must be around here somewhere.
Yes, I'd like to ask him where he gets the nerve to blow up our personal property.
Where have you-- where have you been? I've been waiting und waiting und standing here for 17 seconds.
I was stopped by a little old man.
What kind of a little old man stopped you? - With red earmuffs.
- Who wears red earmuffs - in weather like this? - The little old man who stopped me.
A little old man stopped me today.
What did he ask from you? He wanted me to sign a piece of paper.
- Did you sign the piece of paper? - No.
That's good.
You can't write anyway.
Now listen, as long as you're here, this is the instructions for the day.
First of all-- ( speaks German ) And secondly-- ( speaks German ) ( silent ) How do you like that? They destroyed their own property.
With the same silent explosion that hit ours.
I know that, 99.
Anybody couldn't have heard that.
And thirdly, when you go to the statue, inside the statue's mouth you'll find the ( speaks German ) - Got it? - Hmm? You're stupid! You ( stammers ) sissy! - Siegfried? - What is it? Where is the statue? What do you mean, where is the statue? I was watching the statue and it exploded before my eyes.
- It exploded? You hear an explosion? - No.
How could something explode if you didn't hear an explosion? You're right, Siegfried.
- Then the statue is there, right? - Of course.
So-- where's the statue? - Siegfried? - What? There is Maxwell Smart and Agent 99.
They blew up our statue.
Do you understand the instructions? Yeah.
First we-- ( speaks German ) - Second-- - ( grunts ) ( shouts ) So, Smart, you return to the scene of your crime to witness your own nefarious handiwork, eh? If I knew what you were talking about, Siegfried, I'd answer that.
Come on, Smart, do not play games with me.
You personally blew up our statue.
Admit it! I did not personally blow up your statue! But you personally blew up our statue.
Admit that! KAOS had nothing to do with your explosion.
You have my word on it.
Max, would you take the word of a man who is a murderer, a thief and a liar? Only if he were sincere.
Look, Smart, I'll take your word you didn't blow up our statue and you take my word I didn't blow up your statue.
All right, Siegfried.
We believe each other.
- You did it, right? - He did it, right? - ( arguing ) - ( Siegfried screams ) Oh, this is ridiculous.
We're not getting anywhere.
Now supposing we believe each other, so what? Someone blew up those statues.
Who was it? And why didn't the explosions make any noise? Wait a minute, wait a minute.
A funny little man came to my apartment this morning with some crazy idea about making the world a quieter place to live in.
Wait another minute! This morning a funny little man came to my apartment with some idea about making the world a quieter place to live in.
Was he wearing red earmuffs? Ja.
I wonder if it was the same man.
Max, there's a pigeon on your shoulder.
Yes, 99, I know there's a pigeon on my-- get him off! Look, Max, there's a message on his leg.
What does it say? "Dear KAOS and CONTROL, I have paid you both back for your refusal to help me.
Now the entire world will be made to suffer.
In six hours, every major capital city in the globe will be destroyed by use of my miraculous new explosive-- Nitrowhisperin.
Signed, Albert 'The "P" Is Silent' Pfister.
" Max, this is horrible.
He could blow up the entire world and no one would ever hear about it.
That's not the worst of it, 99.
If he blew up the entire world, there'd be nothing for KAOS and CONTROL to fight over.
We'd be out of a job.
True, Smart, true.
Let's stop this fooling around and find this fellow Pfister.
If that pigeon were only a parrot, he could tell us where he came from.
Max, that's it! This is a trained bird.
He's a homing pigeon.
Why don't we just let him go and follow him home? - You don't like my idea? - I love your idea, 99, because it's my idea.
You took it right out of my head.
That's what comes from working with someone so long.
But I don't understand.
How can we follow a bird in flight? How can you follow a bird in flight? You know something, Siegfried, for a KAOS killer who's supposed to have some brains, you have absolutely no imagination whatsoever.
How can you follow a bird in flight? ( snickers ) how can you follow a bird in flight? You attach a homing device to the homing pigeon's leg and then you home in on him and then you follow him home.
That's how you follow a bird in flight.
Now all we need's a homing device.
KAOS is always prepared.
I just happen to have one right here.
Shtarker! Yes, well, you'll find that CONTROL is also always prepared.
I happen to have here my mini direction finder which will home in on your homing device.
All right, Smart, the homing device has been attached - und activated.
- ( tone beeping ) Good work, Siegfried.
Now, all we have to do is to launch the bird and then we can follow his every movement on my mini direction finder.
Then hurry, we have only 56 minutes left to save the world und our jobs.
Come on, let's go! He's getting away! ( dings ) The world-- the world is going to be destroyed in another You're stupid! This is no time to stop for traffic lights! Don't tell that to me! Tell it to the pigeon! ( dings ) look, Max, he's flying into the park.
We'll have to follow our fine feathered friend on foot.
Yes, well, I hope he decides to walk too or we'll never catch him.
Come on.
Max, here he is! How do you like this? and he stops to take a bath! I hope that he is not a she.
What difference does it make, Shtarker? I may be a killer, but I am not a peeping tom.
We've gotta get that bird moving.
Let me handle this, 99.
All right, bird, get out of there.
Go on now, get out of there, bird! I'll handle it, Smart! All right, bird.
Fly up! So you won't fly, eh? We have ways of making you fly.
You have other relatives living in the park, nein? Track him on your homing device, Max.
Right, 99.
- I can't.
- Why not? I shorted it out.
All right, whoever you are, come out with your hands up! You're wasting your time, Max, there's no one here.
Well, whoever it was, he left in a hurry.
How could you be sure? Well, obviously he knows the world is gonna blow up in 10 minutes and he was hurrying to get away.
Then he couldn't have gone far.
All right, everybody, spread out and search the premises! Max: if you don't mind, Siegfried, I'm still giving the orders around here.
All right, everybody, spread out and search the premises.
Ahem! Pfister: Mr.
Smart.
Max, we're trapped.
It's Pfy-ster-- uh, Pfister-- the quiet man.
Not so loud, Mr.
Smart.
You were right the first time.
Now then, gentlemen, if you'll just toss your guns onto that counter over there, I'll be very happy.
Well, all right, Pfister, but it's gonna make a heck of a noise.
( snickers ) No, it will be silent as the grave.
Your grave, Mr.
Smart.
( silent ) That's fantastic, it didn't make any noise at all.
That's right.
You just witnessed the first demonstration of my latest invention-- sound-absorbing wood.
My entire life has been a crusade against this continuous- noise-filled world.
For example, my phonograph.
Listen.
I don't hear anything.
Beautiful, isn't it? It's the only record in the world that plays three minutes of golden silence.
Well, it certainly is a catchy little tune, Pfister.
Could we hear the flip side? Unfortunately there is no time, Mr.
Smart.
Soon, my Nitrowhisperin will write an end to this noise-filled world I loathe.
Well, I got to give you a lot of credit, Pfister.
A lot of people talk about hating the world, but nobody does anything about it.
That's right.
And if it hadn't been for a fortunate accident I wouldn't have been able to do anything about it.
While I was working on my noiseless firecracker for the Fourth of July, I stumbled on Nitrowhisperin.
But enough of this.
Your time has expired.
( quietly ) Cuckoo.
Cuckoo.
Cuckoo.
How do you like that? He invented a cuckoo with laryngitis.
Yes, but what you failed to hear, Mr.
Smart, was the beginning of the end.
Now then, if you'll all accompany me to the roof you'll see the destruction of this planet with no more sound than the cooing of a dove.
Well, Mr.
Smart, what do you think of my-- my private air force? I think you have a vivid imagination, Mr.
Pfister.
They look like ordinary pigeons to me.
Not ordinary.
They're all homing pigeons, Mr.
Smart, brought from every city on earth.
And on each leg is a small vial of Nitrowhisperin.
Max, this is terrible.
Those birds are from some of the most important cities in the free world.
Yes, and those birds are from some of the most important cities in the not-so-free world.
At least he doesn't believe in playing favorites.
Pfister: I wouldn't dream of it, Mr.
Siegfried.
They'll soon be winging back to the place of their birth.
And the impact will activate the Nitrowhisperin and eliminate every city in a a great big glorious burst of silence.
The ultimate weapon-- kamikaze pigeons.
And now it's time to send them on their silent flight to oblivion.
And just in case you have any idea of interfering, I'd like to warn you I'm a crack shot.
( whispering ) Siegfried, we gotta stop him before he pulls those levers.
But you heard him.
He'll kill the first one who moves.
Yes, but while he's doing that, the others can grab him.
All right.
After you move, I'll lead the attack.
That's not exactly what I had in mind.
You might as well stop shouting, gentlemen.
Soon the only sounds you will hear will be my feathered friends singing the swan song to the world.
Max, we've got to do something fast.
Don't worry, 99, I'm way ahead of you.
Say, Pfister, since this is the end of the world anyway, do you mind if I have a last cigarette? Don't worry, it won't make any noise.
It's a filter.
( squeaks ) ooh! An ingenious device, Smart.
What is it? The old long-playing- high-frequency- ultrasonic- stereophonic-strike-the-match- against-the-sounding-board trick.
Works every time, Siegfried.
Well, looks like you and I have saved the world together.
It just goes to show you, Siegfried, that enemies can sometimes be friends.
True, Smart, true.
Right, Shtarker? ( shouts in German ) and now I am going to destroy your half of the world alone.
Max, he's gonna release the free-world pigeons! Siegfried: That's right, cookie.
And there's nothing you can do to stop me.
Do you think he'd fall for the old long-playing-high-frequency- - stereophonic-- - ( grunts ) I'm afraid not, Max.
Just one flick of my hand and KAOS will have won its greatest victory.
Just one flick of your hand and KAOS will be out of business, Siegfried.
You got your hand on the wrong lever.
Shtarker! Stand aside, Max, I've got him covered! ( gasps ) you have lost once again, Smart.
You see, that bird I just released is headed ( laughs ) for the Pentagon.
Max, the Pentagon! It's doomed.
So, Smart, you may have won the battle, but I won the war.
He's right, Max.
In a few seconds that bird will be flying over the pentagon and it'll be the end.
Max, look! Did I hear you say that one of my birds went over the Pentagon? Yes.
I'm afraid my archenemy and good friend Siegfried released it.
Pfister: No, he didn't.
That bird is not flying over the pentagon.
That bird, labeled "Pentagon," I'm afraid is headed for one of your two headquarters.
( gasps ) Don't tell me! ( speaking German ) KAOS? Yes, KAOS.
I asked you not to tell me that! ( grunts ) ( theme music playing )