Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e23 Episode Script
Axis Annie
( theme song playing ) LeBEAU: Signal from Kinch.
Nothing yet, Colonel.
Keep your eye on him.
This a man or a woman we're meeting, sir? London said rendezvous with a courier-- code name Blue Fox.
It could be male or female.
If he was sure it was a woman, he would have worn his combat tuxedo.
Hey, LeBeau.
Boy, I'm freezing.
Didn't they tell you this could be a chilly war? Nobody said anything.
They just gave me a physical.
Forget it.
All right, spread out.
Newkirk, over there.
Carter over there.
And remember, when we're through, don't leave any footprints in the snow.
Got you.
Colonel-- alert from Kinch.
Come on.
Colonel Hogan? Name, please.
Blue Fox.
Hogan.
Trouble? Ja, I had to crash a checkpoint outside Wilhelmstadt.
They're following me.
I've got a four- or five-minute lead-- no more.
Maybe we can slow them down a little.
No, it is better if they think I'm working alone.
Otherwise it would endanger the mission.
Here-- you give that to a man named Vandermeer.
He'll be traveling as a salesman from Holland.
He'll be staying at the Hauserhof Hotel in Hammelburg a few days.
Vandermeer, Hauserhof Hotel-- got you.
Colonel, Kinch is flashing.
Another car.
All right-- good luck.
Ja, I will need it.
Au revoir, Colonel.
Boy, those Krauts are really moving.
Oui-- don't they know speeding is against the law? Yeah, and there's never a cop around when you need one.
Underground storage bunkers.
Probably a factory, too.
Look at the ventilators-- they're ground level.
Narrow-gauge tracks running through the whole works.
And there's the clincher.
Three launching platforms.
Launching what? This is the German rocket base at Peenemunde.
Blimey.
Big stuff.
Hey, those bloody rockets are pointing straight at England.
Oh, I hope my sister Mavis is all right, and Stephanie.
How come the air force hasn't knocked that thing out, Colonel? We've tried, but too much of it is underground.
Bombing failed, so my guess is they'll try a commando raid.
I'm glad it's got nothing to do with us.
I'll buy that.
Our part of the job is to get this to a Mr.
Vandermeer at the Hauserhof Hotel.
He'll take it from there.
KINCH: Not this week.
Message from the Hammelburg underground.
"Blue Fox is dead.
Shot up his car, went off the road, died in the crash.
" That's terrible.
At least they didn't capture him.
"Gestapo moving units into Hammelburg.
"Patrol starting.
"Investigation must close down.
Urgent you pass word on to London.
" I couldn't make contact, so I'll try again tonight.
Oh, great.
I was depending on the underground to tip us off when Vandermeer arrived, even watch him for awhile, just to make sure.
Now we're really up the creek.
Colonel.
I'll take that flipping map into Hammelburg.
There's enough Gestapo in town for a convention-- forget it.
You wouldn't get 100 yards on the road.
We're stuck with this until the heat's off.
Well, what about Vandermeer? I mean, he comes to town, we don't show up, he leaves.
There's nothing we can do until we get the alternate plan from headquarters.
Problem right now is to find a safe place to hide this.
Carter, stand up.
Take off your shirt.
Kinch, get me some tape.
Tape? Hey, wait a minute, Colonel.
Why me? In a crowd, Carter, you're the one least likely to be hiding secret papers.
I resent that.
I think sir.
Just put it on.
It's not the going on that bothers me.
It's when you take it off-- that stuff hurts.
If you don't cry, the colonel will put you in for a good- conduct medal.
I already got it.
Could have told you that.
( door slams ) Guten Tag, gentlemen.
You know if he calls us gentlemen, there must be something cooking.
Formation in ten minutes.
Commandant's orders.
What for? We just had one! The Commandant does not confide in me.
Very wise.
What's the matter with him? I just took out his appendix.
And a beautiful job it was, too.
From his back? Well, anybody can take them out from the side.
I think I pulled a muscle.
Yeah-- aw Oh, that's that's terrible.
What's that? The mustard plaster.
Nosy today, Schultz.
That's what they pay me for.
You call what they give you every month pay? Why don't you strike for more money, Schultzy? Don't start labor trouble in the Luftwaffe.
Get up! Turn around! The other way.
Mustard plaster, huh? Feels like paper.
You're much too clever actually, Schultz.
I had some secret maps and I hid them there.
On him? Secrets? With that face? ( laughs heartily ) ( door closes ) That Kraut's getting out of line.
KLINK: Report! SCHULTZ: All present and accounted for.
Thank you, Sergeant.
It is now indeed my great pleasure to introduce to you Fraulein Anna Gebhart of the Propaganda Ministry.
Let's hear it for the Fraulein, gentlemen! ( men cheering ) Your basic Germanic bird is sometimes very attractive.
Hallo, baby! Gebhart.
I've heard that name before.
Read it someplace.
Gentlemen, the Propaganda Ministry is anxious to prove to the world that the Third Reich is observing the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention in every respect.
( men objecting ) SCHULTZ: Quiet! KLINK: Silence! It will mean the cooler to anyone who does not listen.
Proceed, my dear.
Thank you.
My mission here is to interview as many of you as possible, record those interviews and broadcast them on my show over Radio Berlin.
LeBEAU: You must be kidding! I am already under contract to His Majesty the King.
( prisoners clamoring ) Anna Gebhart-- I've got it.
That's Axis Annie.
She broadcasts to the Allied troops.
Axis Annie-- The dame who sells desertion? In person-- the whole bit.
Democracy is finished.
Give up, save yourself.
A real morale booster.
Boy, if my back wasn't taped, I'd like to punch her right in the nose.
Pass the word along.
KLINK: Silence.
Boy if my back wasn't taped ( all shushing Carter ) Now, anyone who cooperates with Fraulein Gebhart will be given special privileges including two weeks of white bread and butter.
Commandant, Fraulein.
Speaking for my men, we decline your generous offer.
Colonel Hogan, in this case, it's just possible that you do not speak for your men.
Now, anyone who wishes to cooperate for special privileges, raise his hand.
( prisoners laughing ) Dummkopf.
The Gestapo-- what are they doing here? I know nothing-- nothing! Dismiss your men.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Achtung! Everybody dismissed! Yeah, they're going to dismiss you, Schultzy, if you put your hand up much more.
Have we got company.
That's the radio detection truck.
We try to reach London now, they'll locate our transmitter.
What's the score, Colonel? Maybe we can find out.
Kinch, is the bug working in Klink's office? Always.
I tested it this morning.
He's so efficient.
I don't know why the war is taking so long.
Come on.
And he crashed through the barrier.
He was heading away from the border and into Germany.
An Allied agent, Herr Major? Or saboteur.
Our theory is that he was part of a gang, possibly going to rendezvous with someone in this area.
But who? Could be anyone, Klink-- Farmer, townspeople.
Even one of your own guards.
My men? Major Hochstetter, I assure you, none of my men would be involved in such a thing.
Not even for a bribe? Not for all the money in the world.
Tell me, how much do you think they could get for a thing like that? This entire area is under Gestapo control including your command, Klink.
Stalag 13? HOCHSTETTER: Stalag 13 will be headquarters for the investigation.
Aw they've taken his little stalag away.
I begged him to put it in his lawyer's name.
You will carry on as usual, but all non-routine matters must be referred to me.
I may proceed with my interviews, Herr Major? There is your first matter to deal with.
Well, Herr Major? Let me think about that.
Very well.
While you are thinking, I will call Herr Goebbels in Berlin and ask him what he thinks.
There is no reason why you can't do the interviews.
Is there, Klink? Oh, no Goebbels at all.
No reason.
There is no reason why you cannot proceed.
That Axis Annie's got guts, I'll say that for her.
Right.
She sorted Klink and the major out soon enough.
Doesn't help us.
Yeah, we still have the Gestapo.
HOGAN: Or does it? Does it what? Help us.
Fraulein Gebhart knows how to push the Gestapo around.
She gets things done.
Why can't we use her to get into town and deliver the message to Vandermeer? Colonel, come on.
She wants to interview us.
Klink's offering privileges.
We'll make a deal.
Tell people that the Krauts observe the Geneva Convention? Well, they do when it fits in with their plans.
CARTER: Broadcast for the enemy, Colonel? Not bloody likely.
( group objecting ) Those rockets flying out of Peenemunde are creating havoc in England.
Our orders are to get the message through and that's all that's important.
Well, there is one other thing that's important.
Carter's beginning to itch.
All right, Hogan, I'll take the names of those men that will cooperate now.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, you just don't order men to broadcast for the enemy.
You got to sell them on the idea.
Now, what can I offer them? Two weeks of white bread and butter.
We had that for openers, Commandant.
What do you want? An extra hot shower per week, no K.
P.
, more wood for the stoves.
Impossible.
English language books.
Very scarce.
So are men willing to be interviewed.
Oh, how about a few shovels for digging escape tunnels.
Shovels we got, but we just struck rock.
We could use a couple of drills.
Insolence! There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.
So you have told me, Herr Kommandant.
Now Hogan, if I grant these privileges, will your men cooperate? Well, I can try.
There's one more thing, sir.
More? Yeah, they've been talking about how nice it would be to get out of camp for a few hours, maybe have dinner at some place in town.
Dinner in tow Hogan, may I suggest the dining room of the Hauserhof.
It's really a very excellent place.
Perfect-- they'd be willing to go under guard, of course.
That's very decent of you.
Forget it! It does seem like a lot.
Look lady, we didn't send for you.
This is your idea-- remember? Impossible.
The entire area is under Gestapo control.
Colonel.
I think I could convince Herr Goebbels.
All right.
Do I have your word as an officer that your men will not try to escape? Absolutely.
Who'd want to leave this? It's like a country club with the most wonderful pro in the world.
CARTER: We got five of them in the last supply drop from London.
That thing'll start a fire? Oh, sure-- the hottest.
It's used in sabotage a lot.
Ever fail? You kidding? Can't-- it's too simple.
It's just acid and magnesium.
You just push these two parts You'd love it if you saw it.
Anyway, the acid ignites the magnesium and then up she goes.
Sets fire to anything.
He really knows.
After the war, how are they going to keep him down on the farm? With fireworks every Saturday night.
All right-- now here's how the plan'll work.
I'll tell Klink that three of us-- LeBeau, Newkirk and I-- will cooperate.
Kinch, you and Carter refused.
We refused? We're the good guys and they're the bad guys.
Oh.
They'll take us into Hammelburg for the dinner.
We'll see that Vandermeer gets the plans.
Axis Annie's going to make wax recordings of the interviews.
While we're gone, make sure to destroy them, otherwise we're in for a court-martial.
How do we get at those recordings? Follow me-- the radio detection truck is taking its power from Building 9, where they've also stored the recording equipment.
Now, see that power line? That's the payoff.
You notice they're guarding the truck, but not Building 9.
Carter, do you think you could fix a couple of those magnesium pencils to attach to that cable? Yeah, I think so.
All right, what you'll do is you'll approach the building from the blind side.
You attach the pencils to the cable and they should slide direct to the gas tank of the truck.
And while the Krauts are busy with the fire, we go for the recordings.
And I mean go for them.
Drop an extra pencil in there.
We destroy the recordings and the truck and we're back in the communications business.
CARTER: And then what happens if those Gestapo guys start shooting? Then we're dead, right? Then what? At least your back will stop itching.
Greetings, GIs.
This is your favorite enemy, Axis Annie, over Radio Berlin.
I've got a very special show for you today, fellows, so stand by, all you handsome losers.
I may punch her in the nose myself.
Forget it-- we volunteered.
those missions against Germany.
Here's a little advice from Axis Annie.
When you bail out, don't fight.
Play it smart-- give up.
Germany observes the Geneva Convention.
But don't take my word for it.
Here's our first guest-- Colonel Robert Hogan from Bridgeport, Connecticut.
( loud clapping ) Colonel? Colonel Hogan, how long have you been a prisoner of war? A couple years.
What can you tell us about the Luft Stalag where you are? It's a nice place to be captured, but I wouldn't want to live here.
You're joking, of course.
Yes, of course.
Actually, the commandant of the camp is a very intelligent man.
He does everything possible to make it more comfortable for us.
In fact, with men like him, I can see where you're going to win the war.
Thank you, Colonel.
In your experience, have the German authorities always observed the Geneva Convention? Well, I admit I was a little surprised, but, uh, they are fair and humane with the prisoners at all times.
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
Lovely food, beautiful accommodations.
You couldn't ask for anything better.
Well, you or you could ask, but it wouldn't help.
You have any complaints? Well, just one.
No birds.
Birds? Uh, Frauleins.
Ladies-- you know.
Oh, yes, of course.
But if you're happy in your stalag, is feminine company so important to you? ( imitating Humphrey Bogart ): What are you doing after the broadcast, sweetheart? Have you ever witnessed any mistreatment of prisoners of war? Only once-- it happened to me.
You see, I am a cook and I was making a "Tournedos Rossini" They confiscated my mushrooms.
Any reason? Jealousy.
I would hardly call that inhuman treatment.
You would if you were a Frenchman.
All right, now remember, wait about two hours after we're gone before you make your move.
One more thing.
LeBeau? The door.
Right, Colonel.
All right, Carter-- the moment of truth has arrived.
The envelope, please.
Yes, sir.
I've been dreading this.
Let me know-- fast or slow? I don't know, sir.
You know, they say that doing it fast is better, but I'm not so sure.
Kinch, what do you think? Oh, it's a toss up, really.
You know, sir, I think the shock of going slowly would You got it! Speedy Gonzalez.
Boy, you can hide stuff on my back anytime.
All right-- next time we'll steal a tank.
All right, that's "Vandermeer, Hauserhof Hotel.
" LeBEAU: Attention-- Schultz.
SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan.
I have orders to take you, the Englander and that little one to Major Hochstetter.
The car is waiting outside.
And no monkey business.
CARTER: Good-bye.
HOGAN: Okay.
Good luck.
Wait a minute.
You say good luck to them just for one night's sleep? Schultz, we're trying to make it a friendly war.
Heraus! Good luck.
Thanks.
( soft dance music playing ) I have ordered an absolutely marvelous dinner and I know we'll all enjoy it.
You're one of the great party givers, Commandant.
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
I disapprove of this sort of fraternization.
We do too, sir.
HOCHSTETTER: Silence.
And I'm against this bargain with prisoners.
You didn't have to come here.
They are well guarded.
I trust no one.
You have your records.
Is this party necessary, or this a matter of honor? Oh, honor? Don't be silly.
A few photographs of prisoners enjoying themselves and then you can do whatever you want with them.
Or would you prefer to discuss propaganda with Herr Goebbels? No, no, it's an excellent idea.
KLINK: Now, we shall all have a wonderful time, yes? GEBHART: How about a few pictures, huh? Pictures-- oh, that's a marvelous Let me sit over here.
Now, come on-- look happy.
Just a moment, I'm not ready.
There we go.
How's that? Very nice.
Isn't this exciting? I'd like a dozen ( laughing heartily ) Gentlemen.
Fraulein.
To Stalag 13.
To Stalag 13! GUARD: Feuer! Feuer! ( guards shouting ) ( fire alarm begins wailing ) Boy, that's a great fire.
Should have brought those marshmallows.
Let's get the recordings.
Get another one of those goodies ready.
( guards shouting instructions in German ) ( glass shatters ) ( fire alarm wailing ) LeBEAU: Some more wine, Colonel.
SCHULTZ: More wine! Klink, you're making a fool of yourself.
Let's start the party.
Right.
Fraulein, why don't you take a picture of our French chef preparing a flaming dish for the commandant? For me? Ah, charming idea.
KLINK: Marvelous-- let's have another picture.
NEWKIRK: You'll love this, sir.
KLINK: Thank you, thank you.
Schultz loves my cherries jubilee.
SCHULTZ: Don't forget the schnapps.
This will be a marvelous dish.
Lots of schnapps.
Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.
Lots of schnapps.
LeBeau, aren't you pouring a little bit too much brandy? Oh, no, no, no-- it's an old recipe my grandfather taught me.
LeBEAU: And now for the big moment.
( Schultz and others exclaiming ) Ah, beautiful! Excuse me, Fraulein.
May I have this dance? Fraulein? Oh, last time you were a Fraulein, Hitler was a corporal.
( disagreeing politely ) Hey, hey, I asked her to dance, mate, not you.
What is? Schultz, bring the guard.
Get that man ( people screaming "Fire!" ) Fire! SCHULTZ: Feuer! Alert the guards right now! Fire! There's a fire.
Call the guards! SCHULTZ: There's a fire! Put out the fire.
Put out the fire.
( everybody yelling at once ) NEWKIRK: Oh, blimey.
It's just like London.
Fire! It's a diversion.
They're trying to escape.
Use your guns.
Use your gun! No! Someone could get hurt.
No, don't use your gun.
Fire.
Get in there and help.
Schnell! Herr Vandermeer's room.
Vandermeer.
Danke.
Fire.
Vandermeer, don't talk, listen.
I have a letter from a friend of yours, Blue Fox.
I'll leave it in your mailbox.
What's the number? Twenty-eight.
Right.
And good luck.
What are doing on the telephone? Yes, a riot and a fire at the Hauserhof Hotel.
And hurry.
Just calling the police.
Obviously the Gestapo can't cope with this.
Let me see about that.
KLINK: Hogan! It's a great party, Commandant.
In fact, I have an idea.
What, what, what? Why don't we all get together and do this again next year.
KLINK: Ja.
Ja.
Mm-hmm.
Ja, ja.
I'm checking out.
Vandermeer.
Room 28.
The fire spread to Building 9? What? All of them? Anyone hurt? I understand.
Yes, make a count of all the prisoners.
Oh, there's a letter in my mailbox.
May I have it, please? I will get there in a few minutes.
When I do, all guards on standby alert.
Good night.
Oh, pardon me.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
I believe you dropped this letter.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Good night.
My pleasure.
Hogan, the fire at Stalag 13 is out.
Apparently it started in the radio detection truck and spread to Building 9.
The truck and all the records are destroyed.
Oh, what a shame.
Want us to do the interviews again? Oh, what would you like in exchange? We're running out of hotels.
How about a nice sit-down dinner at Berchtesgaden.
Forget it.
Nothing yet, Colonel.
Keep your eye on him.
This a man or a woman we're meeting, sir? London said rendezvous with a courier-- code name Blue Fox.
It could be male or female.
If he was sure it was a woman, he would have worn his combat tuxedo.
Hey, LeBeau.
Boy, I'm freezing.
Didn't they tell you this could be a chilly war? Nobody said anything.
They just gave me a physical.
Forget it.
All right, spread out.
Newkirk, over there.
Carter over there.
And remember, when we're through, don't leave any footprints in the snow.
Got you.
Colonel-- alert from Kinch.
Come on.
Colonel Hogan? Name, please.
Blue Fox.
Hogan.
Trouble? Ja, I had to crash a checkpoint outside Wilhelmstadt.
They're following me.
I've got a four- or five-minute lead-- no more.
Maybe we can slow them down a little.
No, it is better if they think I'm working alone.
Otherwise it would endanger the mission.
Here-- you give that to a man named Vandermeer.
He'll be traveling as a salesman from Holland.
He'll be staying at the Hauserhof Hotel in Hammelburg a few days.
Vandermeer, Hauserhof Hotel-- got you.
Colonel, Kinch is flashing.
Another car.
All right-- good luck.
Ja, I will need it.
Au revoir, Colonel.
Boy, those Krauts are really moving.
Oui-- don't they know speeding is against the law? Yeah, and there's never a cop around when you need one.
Underground storage bunkers.
Probably a factory, too.
Look at the ventilators-- they're ground level.
Narrow-gauge tracks running through the whole works.
And there's the clincher.
Three launching platforms.
Launching what? This is the German rocket base at Peenemunde.
Blimey.
Big stuff.
Hey, those bloody rockets are pointing straight at England.
Oh, I hope my sister Mavis is all right, and Stephanie.
How come the air force hasn't knocked that thing out, Colonel? We've tried, but too much of it is underground.
Bombing failed, so my guess is they'll try a commando raid.
I'm glad it's got nothing to do with us.
I'll buy that.
Our part of the job is to get this to a Mr.
Vandermeer at the Hauserhof Hotel.
He'll take it from there.
KINCH: Not this week.
Message from the Hammelburg underground.
"Blue Fox is dead.
Shot up his car, went off the road, died in the crash.
" That's terrible.
At least they didn't capture him.
"Gestapo moving units into Hammelburg.
"Patrol starting.
"Investigation must close down.
Urgent you pass word on to London.
" I couldn't make contact, so I'll try again tonight.
Oh, great.
I was depending on the underground to tip us off when Vandermeer arrived, even watch him for awhile, just to make sure.
Now we're really up the creek.
Colonel.
I'll take that flipping map into Hammelburg.
There's enough Gestapo in town for a convention-- forget it.
You wouldn't get 100 yards on the road.
We're stuck with this until the heat's off.
Well, what about Vandermeer? I mean, he comes to town, we don't show up, he leaves.
There's nothing we can do until we get the alternate plan from headquarters.
Problem right now is to find a safe place to hide this.
Carter, stand up.
Take off your shirt.
Kinch, get me some tape.
Tape? Hey, wait a minute, Colonel.
Why me? In a crowd, Carter, you're the one least likely to be hiding secret papers.
I resent that.
I think sir.
Just put it on.
It's not the going on that bothers me.
It's when you take it off-- that stuff hurts.
If you don't cry, the colonel will put you in for a good- conduct medal.
I already got it.
Could have told you that.
( door slams ) Guten Tag, gentlemen.
You know if he calls us gentlemen, there must be something cooking.
Formation in ten minutes.
Commandant's orders.
What for? We just had one! The Commandant does not confide in me.
Very wise.
What's the matter with him? I just took out his appendix.
And a beautiful job it was, too.
From his back? Well, anybody can take them out from the side.
I think I pulled a muscle.
Yeah-- aw Oh, that's that's terrible.
What's that? The mustard plaster.
Nosy today, Schultz.
That's what they pay me for.
You call what they give you every month pay? Why don't you strike for more money, Schultzy? Don't start labor trouble in the Luftwaffe.
Get up! Turn around! The other way.
Mustard plaster, huh? Feels like paper.
You're much too clever actually, Schultz.
I had some secret maps and I hid them there.
On him? Secrets? With that face? ( laughs heartily ) ( door closes ) That Kraut's getting out of line.
KLINK: Report! SCHULTZ: All present and accounted for.
Thank you, Sergeant.
It is now indeed my great pleasure to introduce to you Fraulein Anna Gebhart of the Propaganda Ministry.
Let's hear it for the Fraulein, gentlemen! ( men cheering ) Your basic Germanic bird is sometimes very attractive.
Hallo, baby! Gebhart.
I've heard that name before.
Read it someplace.
Gentlemen, the Propaganda Ministry is anxious to prove to the world that the Third Reich is observing the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention in every respect.
( men objecting ) SCHULTZ: Quiet! KLINK: Silence! It will mean the cooler to anyone who does not listen.
Proceed, my dear.
Thank you.
My mission here is to interview as many of you as possible, record those interviews and broadcast them on my show over Radio Berlin.
LeBEAU: You must be kidding! I am already under contract to His Majesty the King.
( prisoners clamoring ) Anna Gebhart-- I've got it.
That's Axis Annie.
She broadcasts to the Allied troops.
Axis Annie-- The dame who sells desertion? In person-- the whole bit.
Democracy is finished.
Give up, save yourself.
A real morale booster.
Boy, if my back wasn't taped, I'd like to punch her right in the nose.
Pass the word along.
KLINK: Silence.
Boy if my back wasn't taped ( all shushing Carter ) Now, anyone who cooperates with Fraulein Gebhart will be given special privileges including two weeks of white bread and butter.
Commandant, Fraulein.
Speaking for my men, we decline your generous offer.
Colonel Hogan, in this case, it's just possible that you do not speak for your men.
Now, anyone who wishes to cooperate for special privileges, raise his hand.
( prisoners laughing ) Dummkopf.
The Gestapo-- what are they doing here? I know nothing-- nothing! Dismiss your men.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Achtung! Everybody dismissed! Yeah, they're going to dismiss you, Schultzy, if you put your hand up much more.
Have we got company.
That's the radio detection truck.
We try to reach London now, they'll locate our transmitter.
What's the score, Colonel? Maybe we can find out.
Kinch, is the bug working in Klink's office? Always.
I tested it this morning.
He's so efficient.
I don't know why the war is taking so long.
Come on.
And he crashed through the barrier.
He was heading away from the border and into Germany.
An Allied agent, Herr Major? Or saboteur.
Our theory is that he was part of a gang, possibly going to rendezvous with someone in this area.
But who? Could be anyone, Klink-- Farmer, townspeople.
Even one of your own guards.
My men? Major Hochstetter, I assure you, none of my men would be involved in such a thing.
Not even for a bribe? Not for all the money in the world.
Tell me, how much do you think they could get for a thing like that? This entire area is under Gestapo control including your command, Klink.
Stalag 13? HOCHSTETTER: Stalag 13 will be headquarters for the investigation.
Aw they've taken his little stalag away.
I begged him to put it in his lawyer's name.
You will carry on as usual, but all non-routine matters must be referred to me.
I may proceed with my interviews, Herr Major? There is your first matter to deal with.
Well, Herr Major? Let me think about that.
Very well.
While you are thinking, I will call Herr Goebbels in Berlin and ask him what he thinks.
There is no reason why you can't do the interviews.
Is there, Klink? Oh, no Goebbels at all.
No reason.
There is no reason why you cannot proceed.
That Axis Annie's got guts, I'll say that for her.
Right.
She sorted Klink and the major out soon enough.
Doesn't help us.
Yeah, we still have the Gestapo.
HOGAN: Or does it? Does it what? Help us.
Fraulein Gebhart knows how to push the Gestapo around.
She gets things done.
Why can't we use her to get into town and deliver the message to Vandermeer? Colonel, come on.
She wants to interview us.
Klink's offering privileges.
We'll make a deal.
Tell people that the Krauts observe the Geneva Convention? Well, they do when it fits in with their plans.
CARTER: Broadcast for the enemy, Colonel? Not bloody likely.
( group objecting ) Those rockets flying out of Peenemunde are creating havoc in England.
Our orders are to get the message through and that's all that's important.
Well, there is one other thing that's important.
Carter's beginning to itch.
All right, Hogan, I'll take the names of those men that will cooperate now.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, you just don't order men to broadcast for the enemy.
You got to sell them on the idea.
Now, what can I offer them? Two weeks of white bread and butter.
We had that for openers, Commandant.
What do you want? An extra hot shower per week, no K.
P.
, more wood for the stoves.
Impossible.
English language books.
Very scarce.
So are men willing to be interviewed.
Oh, how about a few shovels for digging escape tunnels.
Shovels we got, but we just struck rock.
We could use a couple of drills.
Insolence! There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.
So you have told me, Herr Kommandant.
Now Hogan, if I grant these privileges, will your men cooperate? Well, I can try.
There's one more thing, sir.
More? Yeah, they've been talking about how nice it would be to get out of camp for a few hours, maybe have dinner at some place in town.
Dinner in tow Hogan, may I suggest the dining room of the Hauserhof.
It's really a very excellent place.
Perfect-- they'd be willing to go under guard, of course.
That's very decent of you.
Forget it! It does seem like a lot.
Look lady, we didn't send for you.
This is your idea-- remember? Impossible.
The entire area is under Gestapo control.
Colonel.
I think I could convince Herr Goebbels.
All right.
Do I have your word as an officer that your men will not try to escape? Absolutely.
Who'd want to leave this? It's like a country club with the most wonderful pro in the world.
CARTER: We got five of them in the last supply drop from London.
That thing'll start a fire? Oh, sure-- the hottest.
It's used in sabotage a lot.
Ever fail? You kidding? Can't-- it's too simple.
It's just acid and magnesium.
You just push these two parts You'd love it if you saw it.
Anyway, the acid ignites the magnesium and then up she goes.
Sets fire to anything.
He really knows.
After the war, how are they going to keep him down on the farm? With fireworks every Saturday night.
All right-- now here's how the plan'll work.
I'll tell Klink that three of us-- LeBeau, Newkirk and I-- will cooperate.
Kinch, you and Carter refused.
We refused? We're the good guys and they're the bad guys.
Oh.
They'll take us into Hammelburg for the dinner.
We'll see that Vandermeer gets the plans.
Axis Annie's going to make wax recordings of the interviews.
While we're gone, make sure to destroy them, otherwise we're in for a court-martial.
How do we get at those recordings? Follow me-- the radio detection truck is taking its power from Building 9, where they've also stored the recording equipment.
Now, see that power line? That's the payoff.
You notice they're guarding the truck, but not Building 9.
Carter, do you think you could fix a couple of those magnesium pencils to attach to that cable? Yeah, I think so.
All right, what you'll do is you'll approach the building from the blind side.
You attach the pencils to the cable and they should slide direct to the gas tank of the truck.
And while the Krauts are busy with the fire, we go for the recordings.
And I mean go for them.
Drop an extra pencil in there.
We destroy the recordings and the truck and we're back in the communications business.
CARTER: And then what happens if those Gestapo guys start shooting? Then we're dead, right? Then what? At least your back will stop itching.
Greetings, GIs.
This is your favorite enemy, Axis Annie, over Radio Berlin.
I've got a very special show for you today, fellows, so stand by, all you handsome losers.
I may punch her in the nose myself.
Forget it-- we volunteered.
those missions against Germany.
Here's a little advice from Axis Annie.
When you bail out, don't fight.
Play it smart-- give up.
Germany observes the Geneva Convention.
But don't take my word for it.
Here's our first guest-- Colonel Robert Hogan from Bridgeport, Connecticut.
( loud clapping ) Colonel? Colonel Hogan, how long have you been a prisoner of war? A couple years.
What can you tell us about the Luft Stalag where you are? It's a nice place to be captured, but I wouldn't want to live here.
You're joking, of course.
Yes, of course.
Actually, the commandant of the camp is a very intelligent man.
He does everything possible to make it more comfortable for us.
In fact, with men like him, I can see where you're going to win the war.
Thank you, Colonel.
In your experience, have the German authorities always observed the Geneva Convention? Well, I admit I was a little surprised, but, uh, they are fair and humane with the prisoners at all times.
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
Lovely food, beautiful accommodations.
You couldn't ask for anything better.
Well, you or you could ask, but it wouldn't help.
You have any complaints? Well, just one.
No birds.
Birds? Uh, Frauleins.
Ladies-- you know.
Oh, yes, of course.
But if you're happy in your stalag, is feminine company so important to you? ( imitating Humphrey Bogart ): What are you doing after the broadcast, sweetheart? Have you ever witnessed any mistreatment of prisoners of war? Only once-- it happened to me.
You see, I am a cook and I was making a "Tournedos Rossini" They confiscated my mushrooms.
Any reason? Jealousy.
I would hardly call that inhuman treatment.
You would if you were a Frenchman.
All right, now remember, wait about two hours after we're gone before you make your move.
One more thing.
LeBeau? The door.
Right, Colonel.
All right, Carter-- the moment of truth has arrived.
The envelope, please.
Yes, sir.
I've been dreading this.
Let me know-- fast or slow? I don't know, sir.
You know, they say that doing it fast is better, but I'm not so sure.
Kinch, what do you think? Oh, it's a toss up, really.
You know, sir, I think the shock of going slowly would You got it! Speedy Gonzalez.
Boy, you can hide stuff on my back anytime.
All right-- next time we'll steal a tank.
All right, that's "Vandermeer, Hauserhof Hotel.
" LeBEAU: Attention-- Schultz.
SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan.
I have orders to take you, the Englander and that little one to Major Hochstetter.
The car is waiting outside.
And no monkey business.
CARTER: Good-bye.
HOGAN: Okay.
Good luck.
Wait a minute.
You say good luck to them just for one night's sleep? Schultz, we're trying to make it a friendly war.
Heraus! Good luck.
Thanks.
( soft dance music playing ) I have ordered an absolutely marvelous dinner and I know we'll all enjoy it.
You're one of the great party givers, Commandant.
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
I disapprove of this sort of fraternization.
We do too, sir.
HOCHSTETTER: Silence.
And I'm against this bargain with prisoners.
You didn't have to come here.
They are well guarded.
I trust no one.
You have your records.
Is this party necessary, or this a matter of honor? Oh, honor? Don't be silly.
A few photographs of prisoners enjoying themselves and then you can do whatever you want with them.
Or would you prefer to discuss propaganda with Herr Goebbels? No, no, it's an excellent idea.
KLINK: Now, we shall all have a wonderful time, yes? GEBHART: How about a few pictures, huh? Pictures-- oh, that's a marvelous Let me sit over here.
Now, come on-- look happy.
Just a moment, I'm not ready.
There we go.
How's that? Very nice.
Isn't this exciting? I'd like a dozen ( laughing heartily ) Gentlemen.
Fraulein.
To Stalag 13.
To Stalag 13! GUARD: Feuer! Feuer! ( guards shouting ) ( fire alarm begins wailing ) Boy, that's a great fire.
Should have brought those marshmallows.
Let's get the recordings.
Get another one of those goodies ready.
( guards shouting instructions in German ) ( glass shatters ) ( fire alarm wailing ) LeBEAU: Some more wine, Colonel.
SCHULTZ: More wine! Klink, you're making a fool of yourself.
Let's start the party.
Right.
Fraulein, why don't you take a picture of our French chef preparing a flaming dish for the commandant? For me? Ah, charming idea.
KLINK: Marvelous-- let's have another picture.
NEWKIRK: You'll love this, sir.
KLINK: Thank you, thank you.
Schultz loves my cherries jubilee.
SCHULTZ: Don't forget the schnapps.
This will be a marvelous dish.
Lots of schnapps.
Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.
Lots of schnapps.
LeBeau, aren't you pouring a little bit too much brandy? Oh, no, no, no-- it's an old recipe my grandfather taught me.
LeBEAU: And now for the big moment.
( Schultz and others exclaiming ) Ah, beautiful! Excuse me, Fraulein.
May I have this dance? Fraulein? Oh, last time you were a Fraulein, Hitler was a corporal.
( disagreeing politely ) Hey, hey, I asked her to dance, mate, not you.
What is? Schultz, bring the guard.
Get that man ( people screaming "Fire!" ) Fire! SCHULTZ: Feuer! Alert the guards right now! Fire! There's a fire.
Call the guards! SCHULTZ: There's a fire! Put out the fire.
Put out the fire.
( everybody yelling at once ) NEWKIRK: Oh, blimey.
It's just like London.
Fire! It's a diversion.
They're trying to escape.
Use your guns.
Use your gun! No! Someone could get hurt.
No, don't use your gun.
Fire.
Get in there and help.
Schnell! Herr Vandermeer's room.
Vandermeer.
Danke.
Fire.
Vandermeer, don't talk, listen.
I have a letter from a friend of yours, Blue Fox.
I'll leave it in your mailbox.
What's the number? Twenty-eight.
Right.
And good luck.
What are doing on the telephone? Yes, a riot and a fire at the Hauserhof Hotel.
And hurry.
Just calling the police.
Obviously the Gestapo can't cope with this.
Let me see about that.
KLINK: Hogan! It's a great party, Commandant.
In fact, I have an idea.
What, what, what? Why don't we all get together and do this again next year.
KLINK: Ja.
Ja.
Mm-hmm.
Ja, ja.
I'm checking out.
Vandermeer.
Room 28.
The fire spread to Building 9? What? All of them? Anyone hurt? I understand.
Yes, make a count of all the prisoners.
Oh, there's a letter in my mailbox.
May I have it, please? I will get there in a few minutes.
When I do, all guards on standby alert.
Good night.
Oh, pardon me.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
I believe you dropped this letter.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Good night.
My pleasure.
Hogan, the fire at Stalag 13 is out.
Apparently it started in the radio detection truck and spread to Building 9.
The truck and all the records are destroyed.
Oh, what a shame.
Want us to do the interviews again? Oh, what would you like in exchange? We're running out of hotels.
How about a nice sit-down dinner at Berchtesgaden.
Forget it.