JAG s03e23 Episode Script

- This way.
- Okay, let's go.
- Yeah, what about us? - Let us out of here.
Come with me.
How does the other guy look, lieutenant? Major.
- She doesn't look as bad as he does.
- She? - It's a long story, ma'am.
- Well, it better be a good one.
And what's your excuse? Well, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Bud, you're getting married in a few hours.
I really appreciate you coming down here, major.
I owe you one.
One? You two owe me a million.
Do you have any idea what the admiral is gonna say when he hears this? Oh, I think he'll understand.
Following in his father's footsteps as a Naval aviator, Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb Jr.
Suffered a crash while landing his Tomcat on a storm-tossed carrier at sea.
Diagnosed with night blindness, Harm transferred to the Navy's Judge Advocate General Corps, which investigates, defends and prosecutes the law of the sea.
There, with fellow JAG lawyer Major Sarah MacKenzie, he now fights in and out of the courtroom with the same daring and tenacity that made him a top gun in the air.
I can't believe they detained you, admiral.
- That makes two of us.
- Have you seen Harriet, ma'am? I need to explain to her what happened.
I'd skip the explanation, Bud, and throw myself on the mercy of the court.
- What exactly happened? - I have no idea.
I think it started a couple of days ago when Rabb made the headlines.
Believe me, admiral, it wasn't me.
"A Naval Aviator ran amok at Washington's ultra hip club Vertigo last night.
Bringing new meaning to the old song, 'What do you do with a drunken sailor? ' The dashing top gun was last seen mooning police officers before disappearing into the night in full afterburner.
" What are you guys looking at me for? You're the only lieutenant commander I know with wings and JAG insignia on the shoulder boards.
It does kind of look like you, Harm.
What do you think, Carolyn? Oh, guilty as charged.
It wasn't me, admiral.
For one thing, I was here with the lieutenant until 2230 last night working on the Holbarth case.
He was, sir.
Yeah, and I don't even have my dress whites at the moment.
They're at the cleaners.
Harm Rabb.
R-A-B-B.
I don't see your name, Ham.
- Harm.
- Ham.
I've been bringing my uniforms here for three years, Mr.
Marvel.
Then you should be in the computer.
Maybe they are under your wife's name? I'm not married.
Neela.
This handsome young man who is very single has lost his uniform.
No, I didn't lose my uniform.
You lost my uniform, sir.
- Do you have a ticket? - No.
Why do you think we give you a ticket? It's Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb.
- Service dress white naval uniform.
- My daughter works too hard.
I keep saying she should go out more.
She's young.
She should have some more fun.
What do you think, Ham? I think that you should find my uniform, sir.
I have a wedding on Saturday.
Nine sixty-five.
Next time bring your ticket.
- This is not my uniform.
- Oh, yes it is.
Naval dress white uniform.
These are Ensign bars.
This is not my uniform.
Look.
What's wrong with this picture? I can do alterations.
Bud, are you ready to go over that Crothers file? Yes, ma'am.
- Is this part of the Crothers file? - No, no.
That's a personal file I'm just gonna get rid of.
Are you okay, Bud? I'm fine, ma'am.
I'm just a little nervous.
You know, first case and all.
It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that you're getting married in three days, two hours and 36 minutes? May I? Is this you? Yeah.
I wanted to be a cowboy when I grew up.
What is all this? It's just my future file.
Pictures of stuff that I wanted to do in life.
You wanted to be a rabbi? I wanted to go to the Holy Land.
Cruise across America.
I guess I don't need that now that I have Harriet.
So why are you throwing it all away? I'm probably not gonna get a chance to do any of it now that I'm getting married.
Why not? Marriage isn't about losing your freedom, despite what you may have been told by JAG's bachelor brigade.
Being married is about having someone to share your dreams with.
I know Harriet loves to travel.
And I bet she'd look pretty hot on the back of a motorcycle.
Yeah.
- Thanks, major.
- You're welcome.
Oh, but you might have to give up the swimsuit model.
Right.
You've been blessed with the Beaumont cleavage.
It's a crime to hide it.
Mother, I want something old-fashioned.
This is a wedding, Harriet.
Not an antique show.
Now turn around, darling.
Let me see.
It's her wedding.
And she knows what she wants.
- She has since she was 6.
- And look where it's got her.
Mother.
I like the one you tried on first, honey.
Why do you always agree with Harriet? Just once I would like for you to agree with me.
I agree with you, Lydia, when you're right.
Thank you, Dad.
I am just trying to keep her from making any more mistakes.
And what was my first mistake, Mother? Never marry a man named after a dog.
Dad! In Roth v.
Higgins, it defines the elements for desertion.
I think it really gives us something to go on.
Have you considered going for the lesser charge? - Unauthorised absence? - Yes.
Major, I have an iron-clad case.
The penalties are almost the same, Bud, and it's easier to prove.
You don't think I can do it.
Bud, Harm and I were the ones who told the admiral that you were ready to be trial counsel.
Maybe you were just being nice.
Okay, let's go for desertion.
What have you got? I have all the elements to prove intent to shirk important service.
Seaman Crothers was assigned to garbage duty when he absented himself without authority.
Well, it's my intent to argue that all service is important service no matter how trivial.
- Sir, did you find your uniform? - No.
Sir, the wedding's in three days.
- I know, Bud.
- And you're my best man.
- Bud - Sir, it's a military ceremony.
If you're not wearing dress whites, I don't know if you can go.
Lieutenant! Relax.
I'll have my dress whites.
Everything will run like clockwork.
It's all gonna be fine.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm just not acting like I usually do.
Yeah, you are.
It's natural for the groom to be nervous.
But you've got nothing to be worried about.
Harriet's got this wedding planned better than Desert Storm.
What could go wrong? Buddy! Dad, please! Hey, Bud.
Mikey, look at you.
You've grown, little brother.
- You too.
- Look at you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Are you gonna introduce your father or do I have to do it? Lieutenant Commander Rabb, Major MacKenzie, this is my Buddy's old man.
Master Chief Roberts, USN.
Retired.
- Well, it's nice to meet you, sir.
- I've heard a lot about you.
And you too, major.
Too bad about your guy getting shot, but the world's gone all to hell.
Nice to meet you, master chief.
Hey, let's not stand on formality.
My friends call me Bud.
Big Bud.
And this is my brother, Mikey.
Sir, ma'am.
- Shake hands while you can.
- Sorry, sir.
- You won't be able to once you enlist.
- Yeah.
So where is Henrietta? Harriet.
She's getting her wedding dress altered.
Taken in or taken out? Hey, this isn't a shotgun wedding, is it? No.
I just wondered if you took after your old man, son.
- I'm kidding.
- It's not funny, Dad.
So, Mikey, your brother tells us you're going to art school.
Well, I hope to, sir.
The Navy taught me all I ever needed to know and it'll do the same for you.
Bud, we have a witness to interview.
- Bud's trying his first case tomorrow.
- I'm prosecuting.
You're no lawyer.
Any commissioned officer is qualified to prosecute in a special court-martial, master chief.
Especially since Bud passed his mid-year law finals with honours.
Well, I guess it's Prosecuting is a lot easier than defending, huh? I guess we'd better get going, major.
- Mikey, it was great seeing you.
- Hey, will I get to see you later? - Absolutely.
- Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
I'm taking Mikey down to Norfolk to show him what the real Navy is like.
- In fact, I may enlist him.
- No, you won't, Dad.
Yeah? Why not? Because I'm in the wedding, right, Bud? Right.
Nice to meet you, master chief.
That's what they all say, major.
That reminds me, Friday night, I'm throwing this little bon voyage party for Buddy.
A couple of my ex-shipmates will be there and I'd like to invite you and Admiral Chugawagon.
- Chegwidden.
- Yeah.
Well, I'd be delighted to come.
Thank you, sir.
I'm sure the admiral would too.
It's gonna be one of those old-fashioned crossing-the-line type ceremonies, you know? You have crossed the line, haven't you, commander? Only the equator, sir.
This is not my uniform.
One forty-seven.
One forty-seven.
This is your uniform.
This is a police uniform.
Mine are Navy dress whites.
I'm a JAG lawyer.
My brother-in-law is the Johnnie Cochran of Calcutta.
So, don't threaten me, Ham.
I'm not threatening you, Mr.
Marvel.
I just want my uniform.
Look, this belongs to Joe Garvey.
I'm sure he probably has my uniform.
Do you have an address on this guy? Yeah, he's a good customer.
He's in the computer.
- Give me his address.
- Can't do that.
Okay, Ham.
For you, I'll make an exception.
Thank you.
Don't thank me.
Thank my daughter when you take her out to dinner.
Are you ready, Lieutenant Roberts? Yes, sir.
I am.
You may call your first witness.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
The government calls Edward Granger to the stand.
- Mr.
Granger, you own Metro Fuel? - Yes.
And you hired Robert Crothers as a mechanic? Yes.
When Robert Crothers filled out his employment application, did he tell you that he was a seaman in the United States Navy? - No.
- Thank you, sir.
- That will be all.
- Robby's a good worker.
Your Honour, the government has no further questions.
Well, I don't think it's fair that you don't let me tell the whole story.
I'm going to give you that chance, sir.
Mr.
Granger, you say that Mr.
Crothers was a good worker - Ensign? - Yes, sir.
- Can I speak to you for one second? - Speak away.
- Classified, sir.
- Classified? - Operation Clove Hitch.
- Clove Hitch? Tying the knot, sir.
- That will be all, Tiner.
- Aye, sir.
Ensign? Ma'am, do you own an apartment building at 567th Street? Yes.
And is Robert Crothers a tenant at that address? Yes, he is.
- For how long? - Nine years.
And about how far away from this apartment building is Andrews Air Force Base? About six minutes by car.
Thank you, ma'am.
No further questions.
- That's all? - Yes, ma'am.
- Robby is my best tenant.
- Ma'am, thank you, that will be all.
Your Honour, the government has no further questions.
Yes? Undersecretary Jakowski's on line one, admiral.
Take a message.
He says it's about the Russel hearing, sir.
Tell him I'll call him back in 15 minutes, Tiner.
I'm right in the middle of something.
I'd go with the salmon, the avocado and the pâté.
- What about the caviar, sir? - Too ostentatious.
Ensign, nobody really likes fish eggs.
And get this away from me before I eat the whole thing.
Thank you, sir.
You don't know how much this means to me.
Glad I could help.
If you ever get tired of the Navy, you could make a fortune as a wedding planner.
Don't spread that around.
I'd hate to have to kill you.
And that's when you pulled Seaman Crothers over? Yes.
And before Before you wrote Seaman Crothers a ticket for driving without a tail light, what did you do? I ran his name through the database to see if there were any warrants out.
- That is standard procedure.
- And what did you find? That there was an outstanding warrant for the seaman's arrest.
Then what did you do? I placed him under arrest and advised of his rights.
Now, at any time did Seaman Crothers inform you that he was an unauthorised absentee from the Navy or that he was even a member of the United States Navy? No, he did not.
Thank you, sir.
That will be all.
During the 10 years that he was absent, Seaman Crothers did not attempt to turn himself in, even though he lived six minutes away from a military facility.
He did not reveal that he was in the service on his employment application.
The only reason Seaman Crothers came forward now, was that he was arrested.
Seaman Crothers is guilty of desertion under Article 85 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
All rise.
Please be seated.
Is the defence ready for judgement? We are, Your Honour.
In the case of United States v.
Seaman Robert Crothers, United States Navy, we find the accused guilty of the charge and specification of desertion.
Congratulations, counsellor.
Mr.
Roberts? Sir? The sentencing phase of the court-martial will begin tomorrow at 0900.
And please leave your cheering section at home, lieutenant.
This is a courtroom, not American Gladiators.
Yes, Your Honour.
Sorry, sir.
Looked like Bud did a good job in there.
He had a good teacher.
And he probably got a few pointers from you too.
Nothing changes.
I never met an officer with a sense of humour.
I thought you were taking Mikey over to Norfolk? And miss you playing Matlock? You did a really good job, Bud.
- Mom would have been proud.
- Proud of what? Screwing up some poor guy's life who isn't hurting anybody? - Don't listen to him, Bud.
- Watch it.
So when are we gonna meet this girl of yours? Well, we're having dinner with her tonight.
- How's my hair? - You got your mother's hair.
But the Navy's gonna take care of all that.
Cut it all off in boot.
- It looks great, Mikey.
- See you later, bro.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
First time I told Bud about the birds and the bees, he cried.
Thank God he was leaving to go into the Navy the next day and I didn't have to listen to him.
He's just kidding.
Buddy's never had much luck with the opposite sex.
And you think Harriet has? Hey, I think he did a pretty good job.
Thank you, Mikey.
You're okay in my book.
So, Rollo, I hear you have a yacht.
- Well, a small yacht.
- It is not that small, Roland.
Big enough for Mikey and me to take a little shakedown cruise? - Dad - Any time.
I'm gonna take you up on that, Roland.
So what are your plans for the future, Michael? Well, my dad wants me to go into the Navy.
Well, the Navy has always been very good for your family.
What do you want to do, Mikey? You want to draw on the back of menus? No, I want to be a cartoonist.
Can you beat that? Cartoons.
Can you make a living doing that? Oh, Charles Schulz, Scott Adams, and Gary Larson do.
You need something steady to fall back on like welding.
I think Mike should do what he wants to do.
- Follow his bliss.
- His bliss? I'll give him bliss.
I'll blister his behind if he doesn't go into the Navy.
- Oh, no, you're not, Dad.
- Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it? Sue me? He just might.
I understand you won your first case today.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, sir.
I'm sorry.
No, I am sorry.
My mother is completely out of control.
Well, at least your dad isn't throwing you a bachelor party at a strip club.
I know.
Will you still marry me? If you back out on me now, I'm going to kill you.
Dad, you've had too much to drink.
What, are you telling me how to drive? You've had a lot to drink, let me drive.
Yeah? Well, I think you should shut up and get in the car or you can walk.
It was nice to meet your brother and your dad today.
The master chief's a real colourful guy.
Yeah, he's colourful, all right.
You spend enough time with him and you end up black and blue.
He's abusive? Let's just put it this way.
His idea of tough love is bouncing your head against the wall.
If you feel this way about him, Bud, why did you invite him to your wedding? He's my dad.
You know how it is.
- Harriet thought he should be here.
- Does Harriet know he's abusive? No.
No, you can't tell something like that to your fiancée.
I think you might be wrong about that one, Bud.
Abused kids become abusive parents.
I'm afraid that she'll think that I'll want to hit our children.
I think Harriet knows you a little better than that.
Have you tried talking to him about it? He only talks about three things.
The Navy, baseball and women.
I'm worried about Mikey.
Well, maybe it's time to take some action on this.
Bring it out in the open.
I spent a whole lifetime trying to get away from all that.
I don't know if I could go through it again.
Seaman Crothers, you have the right to submit evidence on your behalf in extenuation and mitigation.
Your Honour, I'd just like to apologise to the Navy and to my unit members for what I did.
I was young, stupid when I went UA, and I didn't know how to fix it.
Thank you, sir.
Mr.
Roberts, do you have any argument to make on sentencing? Your Honour, given Seaman Crothers' conviction of this offence, desertion for 10 years, as well as the manner in which his absence was terminated, the government submits that his military service was not honourable and requests a bad conduct discharge.
The government further recognises that since Seaman Crothers committed that offence, he's been an upstanding citizen, an excellent employee, and a good provider for his young family.
It is not the government's desire nor intent to cause his family to suffer for Seaman Crothers' youthful folly.
Therefore, the government requests that there be no forfeiture of pay or confinement.
Your Honour, I concur with Mr.
Roberts' statement.
I find it both just and compassionate.
Will the defendant please rise? Seaman Robert Crothers, I hereby sentence you with a bad conduct discharge and no further punishment.
This court-martial is adjourned.
Had a change of heart? I think you were right, major.
I shouldn't have gone for desertion.
It's a lot more than a law school exercise.
I'm impressed, Bud.
Come on, I'll buy you a celebratory cappuccino.
Do you mind if I take a rain cheque? I just wanna sit here for a minute.
Sure.
Hi.
I'm looking for Joe Garvey.
Why? There was a mix-up at the dry cleaners.
I wound up with his uniform and I think that he has mine.
But he doesn't live here anymore.
Are you a pilot? Sometimes.
- What airline? - The United States Navy.
I hear they're good.
You wouldn't happen to know where I might find Joe, would you? Well, if he still has a job, he'll be working 9 to midnight at the Rocket Man.
It's an alley club off Bedford.
Okay.
By chance, did he leave a set of dress whites here? I hope not.
I gave all of his stuff to the Salvation Army.
I don't care what my mother ordered.
I don't want a mermaid.
I want a swan.
No, no, you listen to me! Listen, no, no! I am getting married in less than 24 hours, so don't tell me about pressure, okay? I'm about this close to going bridal.
Now, if I don't see an ice swan on my buffet table tomorrow, somebody's gonna find you floating face down in a bouillabaisse.
- Are you okay, ensign? - Just peachy, major.
I think that you need to try to relax and enjoy this, Harriet.
Why don't you let me take you out? We can have dinner, maybe a few laughs? Well, that would be fun, but my mom's planning that stupid girls' night out.
Oh, right.
Could it get any worse than that? You are still coming with me, aren't you? I know it's a lot to ask and everything.
I am your maid of honour, Harriet.
I'm also a Marine.
I think I can handle your mother.
Are you sure you want to go through with this, admiral? No.
Admiral, commander.
Sorry, I had no idea it was gonna be like this.
Don't worry about it.
Sir, thank you for coming.
It really means a lot to me.
Oh, it's the least we could do, Bud.
Every condemned man needs his last hurrah.
You're joking, right, sir? I mean, about the condemned part? Of course we are, Bud.
Marriage is the greatest institution on earth.
We're envious of you.
Well then, sir? Sir, sir? - Why are you both still single then? - Envious, not stupid.
- Please, go ahead.
- No, thanks.
- Take it.
- I don't like beer, Dad.
You don't like beer? What do you want, a pineapple with an umbrella in it? - I got a soda.
- Hey, it's time you became a man.
Now, you either take this beer or you're going Hey! He said he didn't want the beer.
Lucky for you, Buddy, this is your bachelor party.
Because I'm gonna cut you some slack.
Come on, Mikey.
- You don't have to follow him.
- It's better that I do, Bud.
Okay.
Bud, I gotta disappear for a while.
Got to talk to a guy about my uniform.
You still don't have your dress whites? Sir, the wedding is tomorrow.
You're my best man.
If you don't have your dress whites, I don't know if you can come.
Admiral, will you order the lieutenant to relax? - Relax, lieutenant.
- Aye, aye, sir.
Hey, are any of you guys Joe Garvey? He's on stage.
Get down, get loose and get an eyeful of Commander Joe.
Hey, this area is off limits.
This uniform belongs to me, buddy.
I just want the uniform.
- Wrong answer.
- Hey, pal.
I don't want any trouble, all right? I've got a wedding in the morning.
I need the uniform.
Look, I'm warning you right now.
I'm a black belt.
- Don't make me hurt you.
- And I'm warning you right now.
I'm a lawyer.
Don't make me sue you.
- Really? - Yeah.
You ever handle any sexual harassment suits? What? The owner here has got a bad habit of pinching me every time I walk past.
It's kind of humiliating.
Thanks.
- Commander! - Hey.
Commander, I thought you'd abandoned ship on us.
Hey, girls! Come on and meet Commander Rabb.
Hey, where's Bud? Oh, the last time I saw him he was moving towards the head with one of the gals.
I didn't think he had it in him myself.
I'll go get him.
Excuse me, ladies.
Say, ladies, you're not gonna charge me extra for this, are you? Oh, what the hell.
Commander, where have you been? - This party is getting out of control.
- I'll say.
Have you seen the admiral, Bud? Oh, they denied my dad's credit card.
The admiral's talking to the club manager, trying to work it out.
- Wow, what's wrong with her? - I think she needs a doctor, sir.
Well, how much did she have to drink? Nothing.
I think it's morning sickness.
You're kidding, right? No.
I have a pregnancy test in my purse.
I was gonna do it this afternoon, but I had a tort final and I just ran out of time.
- You're in law school? - My third year at George Mason.
No way, I'm in my second year.
Do you know Professor Wilton? - Yeah.
- He's I hate to interrupt this campus chat, but I'd like to find the admiral.
- Where's the manager's office? - Around the corner to the left.
Pardon? - Around the corner to the left.
- Around the corner to the left.
Thanks.
- So this is your bachelor party? - Yeah, I'm getting married tomorrow.
So who's the lucky lady? Mother! No, thank you.
No, thank you.
Mother, we are going home right now.
- Come on.
- Darling, I still have 60 bucks left.
How do you think your father would look in an outfit like this? Mother, don't even go there.
Come on.
Come on.
Go.
Major, you have to do me a humongous favour and please take my mother back to her hotel.
- I really need to see Bud right now.
- Sure.
Thank you.
- Where is she going? - To see Bud.
Well, why on earth would she do that? Because she loves him.
Admiral.
I just gave that man all my cash and my watch as collateral.
Three-twenty.
- I take it you're ready to leave then? - Very.
Hi, I'm Big Bud.
Do you want to hear something funny? Why don't we rescue the lieutenant on the way out, sir? - Dad, just leave her alone.
- What? - Come on.
- No, we've gotta help Bud.
It's every man for himself in a bar fight.
Move.
My name is Admiral A.
J.
Chegwidden.
Yeah, I know.
Remember me? United States Navy v.
Seaman Moska? - Did I defend you? - Prosecuted.
Those handcuffs aren't too tight, are they, sir? - Bud, what's going on? - Harriet, what are you doing here? Buddy, I'm pregnant.
Harriet, you have got to get a grip.
You are getting married in less than half an hour.
- No, Mother, I'm not.
- It is not like a Beaumont to quit.
I am not a Beaumont.
I'm an ensign in the United States Navy.
I am sick as a dog and my fiancé got beat up by a pregnant stripper last night.
Hello? Just a minute.
It's your future husband.
I have no idea who that might be.
She's still getting dressed, Bud.
I'll have her call you when she's ready.
Okay.
Harriet's gonna call off the wedding.
She said that? No, but she won't come to the phone.
Bud, she's probably getting ready.
Do you know how long it takes a woman to get ready just to go to the store to buy milk? This is her wedding day.
I'm sure she probably started getting ready yesterday.
Yeah, you're probably right.
I got it.
Mikey.
- Hey, commander.
- Hey, come on in.
- Where's your dad? - I don't know, sir.
I went to the motel from the club.
He never came home.
- Come here, Mike.
- Hey, Buddy.
You know I'm sorry I ran out on you last night.
What are you talking about? You would have never left me alone in the middle of a fight.
Oh, hey, come here.
Okay, look.
We've got 15 minutes to get to the chapel.
So let's get these Hollywood sunglasses off of you and - It was an accident.
- The hell it was.
Okay, look, after Harriet and I get married, you'll live with us, all right? - You'll go to school here.
- Dad wants me to go into the Navy.
- The hell with what Dad wants.
- Hey, your brother's right, Mike.
You have talent, man.
You should pursue it.
- You're both in the Navy.
- Doing what we wanna do.
Your father was a naval aviator, right, commander? - Yeah.
- And isn't that why you became one? - Yeah, probably.
- My dad's a sailor.
Why couldn't I have had a son? I don't know why she gets like this.
She was a nice little girl, always so well behaved.
- Mother, why don't you take a walk? - Don't talk to me like that, young lady.
It's just nerves, Mrs.
Sims.
Give her a minute to collect herself.
I don't know why you can't be more like Major MacKenzie.
You're gonna be okay, Harriet.
- I feel like I'm gonna puke.
- Oh, nonsense.
You're just scared.
I have every reason to be.
All my parents do are fight and bicker.
I don't want my marriage to end up like that.
Harriet, everyone fights.
It's part of being human.
Yeah, but I want it to be really great.
I probably sound like a sap.
I guess I'd have to agree with that assessment, ensign.
You are a sap.
You have got the greatest guy who wants to make you his wife and you're sitting here, afraid to get up off the couch.
Do you really think we're gonna be happy? I think that you and Bud are gonna be as happy as two people have a right to be.
Now get in your dress, that's an order.
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you, major.
You know, if I had a sister, I'd want her to be just like you.
Thank you, Harriet.
I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Well, dear, I'm glad to see you've come to your senses.
- Mother, will you do me a favour? - Anything, darling.
Don't talk to me for the next 24 minutes.
Pardon me? Mother, this is my day.
This is the husband that I want.
This the life that I want.
So you can either enjoy the day and you can share in my happiness, or you can sashay your southern-belle butt right back home.
And there is no middle ground.
Okay, so how do I look? Like you went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson.
Come in.
Spoken like a true Roberts.
All right, Mikey, let me have a look at that shiner.
Don't worry.
A little cover-up makeup will hide a multitude of sins.
- I'm gonna ruin the wedding pictures.
- Not once I'm done with you.
- Looking good, major.
- It's okay? - There.
- Now let me see it.
- You look very handsome, Mikey.
- How's my hair? Well, well, well.
I'd better check on Harriet.
You hit him last night.
- You tell him that? - He didn't have to.
He was getting lippy.
That doesn't give you the right to hit him.
It does in my book.
I'm trying to make him tough.
Like you? There's a difference between being strong and being a bully.
It was for your own good.
Nobody ever picked on you, did they? Just guys like you.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm no Mr.
Father-Knows-Best.
But they don't teach child rearing in the Navy.
You made me hate you.
You guys, you always had food to eat.
You had clean clothes and you had a roof over your head.
We could have gotten that in an orphanage.
Yeah? I don't need to take this from you.
- Mr.
Big-Shot-Lieutenant-Lawyer.
- Dad, don't.
- What are you gonna do about it? - Stop it.
- Yeah, make me.
- Dad, don't! You shut up and keep out of this or I'll close your other eye.
Don't you ever raise your fist against Mikey or me again.
Come on, Mikey.
- We're getting out of here.
- It's Bud's wedding, Dad.
Yeah? Well, you have an appointment with the Navy recruiter.
It's not your life, it's his! Don't do it, Mikey.
Sorry, Bud.
You won't be seeing us anytime soon.
Mikey, you'll always be welcome in my life.
But I never want to see you again.
Dearly beloved, we have come together in the presence of God to witness and bless the joining together of this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Marriage is not intended to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance to the purposes for which it is instituted - Bud.
- By God.
I, Bud J.
Roberts Jr.
, take you, Harriet Beaumont Sims, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until separated by death.
This is my solemn vow to you.
I, Harriet Beaumont Sims, take you, Bud J.
Roberts Jr.
, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.
This is my solemn vow to you.
This ring is a symbol of my vow, of all that I am, and all that I have.
I pronounce that you are husband and wife.
Hey, hey.
Officers, draw swords.
Arch swords.
Blades to the wind.
Presenting, for the first time in public, Lieutenant J.
G.
And Mrs.
Bud J.
Roberts Jr.
Go, Navy.
Return.
Sword.
Dismissed.
- I've been waiting a long time for this.
- Oh, so have I.
Well, since everybody's kissing the bride I guess I'll kiss the groom.
Red light, commander.
So do I get to kiss the bride, Buddy? I think you'd better, little brother.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Mikey.
Excuse me, sir.
Who's your friend? Yes? Don't ask.