Just Shoot Me! (1997) s03e23 Episode Script

Hey, Maya.
Yeah? Have you ever really tasted a cup of tea? Yeah.
But did you taste it? I mean, really taste it? Yeah.
Now, I'm talking about really, really savoring it.
Sure.
What I am suggesting is that unless you've stopped, opened your mind and let the tea swim into your soul, then you have never really, truly tasted a cup of tea.
Now here.
Ew, I think the cream went bad.
Yeah, I thought so.
Dennis, are the bagels here yet? In the kitchen.
Well, may I have one? I don't see why not.
Is there anything I can do for you while I'm up? You could lose the attitude.
Five bucks, he sniffs at least two bagels.
Why would he sniff a bagel? Dude, I don't know.
Why does he rub the faxes on his face? Do you want the bet or not? Sure, five bucks.
Okay.
Here we go.
Come on.
There you go.
All right, there's one.
Think about it.
Easy.
Take it easy.
Not yet.
Sniff it.
It's good.
Not yet.
Aha.
Ah.
(EXCLAIMS) The sniffer! Remind me not to eat the bagels.
Or drink the apple juice.
What? You don't want to know.
Maya, here's the pants layout for our stupid magazine.
Nina, is everything okay? Oh, you see right through me.
I just broke up with Henry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What happened? Oh, I wish I could pinpoint where it all went wrong.
One minute we're laughing and kissing and talking about the future, and the next minute his wife walks in.
Nina, can I give you a little advice? Oh, no, thank you.
You tend to make a lot of bad choices when it comes to men.
How dare you? I'd like to remind you that most of my marriages have ended in death.
I'm just saying that you always rush into these things.
Maybe you should get to know a guy before you jump into a relationship with him.
Nina, there's a delivery guy in your office.
All right.
Well, Maya, thanks for your insight and don't hesitate to come to me if you ever get a date.
You know, I get busy plenty.
I know, raise the roof, Maya.
Hey, have you guys seen my sunglasses? I can't seem to find them.
Have you tried looking Office.
Did you try looking in your office? Okay, but they're never there.
What was that about? Twenty bucks says it takes him till lunch to realize they're on his head.
You're on.
DENNIS: Look on your head.
ELLIOTT: No, don't do it, Jack.
Don't do it.
They're still not in there.
Oh, for God Dennis, what time is my haircut? how you want it cut.
You can't do that.
Well, I'm not going anywhere till I find those sunglasses.
Oh, hey, here they are.
On the floor.
So close! So close to what? Just a stupid bet.
Ooh, action.
I love it.
Who won? I did.
Way to go, Dennis.
Tough break for you, Elliott.
So, what was the bet? Uh, how long it would take you to realize your glasses were on your head.
You bet on me? Well, yeah, but Elliott bet against you, which I think we all agree is much worse.
Nina, is that delivery guy still here? I have something for him.
And apparently so do you.
Nina, can I talk to you, please? Sure.
I'll wait outside.
All right.
But you absolutely, positively have to be here overnight.
Okay, under the broad heading of "bad choices" you should include "making out with the delivery guy.
" Oh, it's not what it looks like.
His name is Roy and he was once everything to me.
You used to date him? Oh, we haven't seen each other in over 20 years, but all those old feelings were just rushing back.
Oh, my God.
What are the odds that the delivery guy is your long lost love? Oh, no, Roy isn't a delivery guy, that's only a disguise.
Why does he need a disguise? He just broke out of prison.
Wait! Oh, what are you gonna lecture me about now? That guy just broke out of prison? Well, maybe not "broke out.
" A snitch in his cell block got shivved and Roy simply hid in his body bag.
Nina, what are you thinking? You just had a fugitive in your office! Oh, and you're perfect? You have to call the police.
You could be in a lot of trouble.
Since when is loving someone a crime? Okay, remember how we talked about good choices and bad choices? Would you like to take a stab at which category this falls into? Maya, you're always saying that I'm superficial.
But you look at Roy and all you see is a criminal.
Whereas I see him for what he really is, handsome and sexy and rugged and gorgeous.
Nina, I can't believe you're gonna help some escaped killer! He is not a killer! My God, what do you think of me? Murder isn't sexy.
Now robbing a bank (IMITATES CAT PURRING) Hey, Dennis.
I just heard Vendela's in town.
I want you to set up a lunch for me right away.
Hey, Jack, if you want, I could give her a call.
Or I could just drop by her place.
I still have a key.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, pay up.
Damn it! ELLIOTT: What's going on? Dennis bet me you'd brag about dating Vendela if we brought her name up.
The old man underestimated how conceited you are.
A mistake I will not make again.
You're betting on me? I thought we were betting on him.
I go where the action takes me, dude.
There it is! Let me see some dead presidents, buddy.
What? I bet Jack you wouldn't say "dude" in the next 15 minutes.
But you came through for me like the predictable little monkey you are, dude.
I only say it because I can't remember your names.
And where is this scar from? Oh, one of the Martinez brothers thought I stole his volleyball and he came at me with a knife.
And this one? Pillow fight.
Big Rastafarian got me with the zipper.
Oh, poor baby.
Oh, you know, you're much stronger than I remembered.
Yeah, I lifted weights in the yard to defend myself against the advances of other men.
How did you make out? Ah, you win some, you lose some.
I just I just can't believe you're really here.
Neither can I.
It was pretty rough in there, but you know what helped me get through it? You did.
I did? Even when they tossed me in solitary, I'd sit in the dark for hours and I'd just think about you.
And then I'd eat a bug and think about you some more.
Oh, you must really be into me.
Are you kidding me? You helped me get through the last 20 years.
I'd talk about you for hours with my cellmates.
Yeah? What did they think? You may get some letters.
It'd be nice if you could write back.
Anything to help our boys.
(MOANS) Oh, Nina.
Roy, I know what you're gonna say.
You want to make love to me.
I almost just did.
Roy, I want to take you into that bedroom and reintroduce you to the female body.
Oh, thank you.
But I can't.
What's that? Well, it's hard to explain, but I have this pushy friend named Maya who's always judging me.
You mean that little Puerto Rican girl from work? She's pointed out that I have a history of making bad choices when it comes to men and while I sometimes rush into things and I just I just want this relationship to work.
When did this discussion take place? Today.
So you mean if this was yesterday I'd be pleasuring you in ways you can't even imagine.
I had to take one day to go see the ocean! (BANGING ON DOOR) Oh, my God, it's the police.
Oh, it's not the police.
MAN: It's the FBI.
See, I told you.
I gotta get out of here.
What? Wait.
Well, you just got here.
I hate this, but I have no choice.
(BANGING ON DOOR) Uh, just a second.
I tell you what, tell you what.
Why don't you come with me? Where? I don't know.
We'll run away.
We'll go to Mexico.
I can't go to Mexico.
Why not? Well, they won't let me in anymore.
(BANGING ON DOOR) MAN: Miss Van Horn? Yeah, one more second.
I'm just getting dressed.
I'm sorry, Roy.
I can't go with you.
Fine.
I'll go out the back way.
Well, there is no back way.
You've got to take him someplace.
You've got to get him out of here.
Just for a few minutes so I can sneak out.
(BANGING ON DOOR) Coming! Oh, Roy.
I guess this is goodbye.
Yeah, I guess it has to be.
I guessit sounds like a crazy question, but do you have anything I could use as a disguise? Well, I do have a Catholic schoolgirl outfit in my closet.
Oh! (BANGING ON DOOR) Hello, I'm Special Agent Morris.
Well, someone thinks highly of himself.
A Mr.
Roy Platt escaped from prison and we know he's written you some letters.
Has he tried to contact you? No.
Well, do you have any idea at all where he might go? I know he didn't go to Mexico.
How do you know that? Because he loves tap water.
That's all he ever talked about.
Listen, do you mind if we step inside, sit down? I'd like to take some notes.
Uh, you know what? I'm starving.
I was just about to go get something to eat.
Would you care to join me? Well, actually, I swore I wouldn't eat until I found Roy Platt.
But then again you say bold things when you're full of French toast.
Okay, let's go.
Your friend Binnie sounds like quite a character.
When you said she has Grace Kelly's nose, I assumed you meant there was some resemblance.
Well, thank you, Justin, for a wonderful dinner.
I don't know how you ate all that steak.
All I know is this, food will not pass these lips again until Roy Platt is behind bars.
Huh.
What? I just forgot that's the reason you're here.
Roy, I mean.
Listen, maybe after I catch him, we could go out sometime.
I'd like that.
Then again, we chase some guys for years, so I'll just call you tomorrow.
Maybe we can eat at that Chinese place we passed on the way back.
Oh, that'd be great.
Or the little Greek joint on the corner.
Or both.
Yeah, or both.
I really had a nice time tonight.
And I certainly wasn't expecting it.
Oh, believe me, neither was I.
Well Goodnight.
(SCREAMS) Surprise! Roy? What are you still doing here? I was all the way to that train station when I realized the only thing I really need is right here.
It is? It doesn't matter what happens, Nina.
I just want to be with you.
I want to take care of you.
Look, I even baked you cookies.
Chocolate chip and peanut butter crunch.
I can't believe you came back for me.
I can't believe I thought about leaving.
So which one do you want? Oh, they're both so good.
I can't choose! Morning, boys.
Yes! Damn! I told you.
He never says "Good.
" Only "Morning.
" Ha! Damn! What? I knew you'd dance like a jackass before noon.
Ha! Come to Papa! Yes! No! What? Who says, "Come to Papa"? What? Everyone says "Come to Papa.
" And again! No, you didn't say to pay every time.
So are you questioning the rules? You're freaking right.
Yes! Damn! No! Maya, I need your help.
Did you talk to the police? I did.
And? We're dating.
What? All right.
Let me explain this to you in a way that you can relate to it.
Say you're home curled up with a book.
You're reading a favorite classic like Well, the title doesn't matter.
The important thing is the book just broke out of jail to see you.
Now, so you open the door and discover another book.
A tall, handsome book with a shiny badge Wait a second.
You're dating an escaped fugitive and the cop who's hunting him down? Oh, look, Maya, I know it's wrong.
I never date two guys at the same time, with the notable exception of the amazing Ching brothers who were joined at the hip.
But I only loved the one on the right.
Okay, even if that really did happen, it's beside the point.
You're right.
I know, I know.
This is about Roy and Justin.
You have to help me make a choice.
Here, I made a list weighing their pros and cons.
Roy is a con! I know.
I have that right here.
See? "Pros.
Roy is patient and supportive.
"Justin is sweet and protective.
"Cons.
Roy will most likely be hunted down and arrested within days.
"Justin works long hours.
" Nina, don't you see what's happening? You are being faced with the most basic decision.
Good versus evil.
That really can't be that tough.
Good versus evil.
What do you choose? I know from the tone of your voice that the answer must be obvious.
Psst.
Maya.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Hey.
Uh, quick question.
I wanted to get Nina something special.
Something really, really nice.
And I was wondering, is there anything that she's had her eye on recently? You're a criminal! Money's no object.
You're a fugitive! Okay.
Let's get over the shock and surprise, and try and focus on Nina.
I was thinking maybe a DVD player.
The quality's terrific.
We had 'em in prison.
You better leave right now! Do Nina a favor and stay gone.
Maybe a little pendant with some butterflies on it.
Would you stop? Okay.
Obviously I'm not the kind of guy you want your friend dating.
Uh-huh.
But I love Nina.
I have since the day we met.
And if 20 years in prison hasn't changed that, nothing will.
(INHALES) So what do you say? She may have mentioned a black velvet overcoat.
Thanks.
And in time I hope you'll come to see me as just a regular guy.
Take care.
My nose itches.
So scratch it.
You'd love that, wouldn't you? Dennis, could you get me a water? Why? Somebody got a bet on how many tugs it takes me to open the refrigerator door? No way.
(PHONE RINGING) It's your line, Elliott.
Aren't you gonna answer it? (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) Nope.
Might be Vendela.
Yeah, Vendela.
I'm not biting, guys.
As far as I'm concerned, the phone can keep ringing and ringingall day.
Hello? Hello? That's it.
I'm out.
I can't live this way.
Bet on me all you want! Judge me! Watch me! Bet on how many breaths I take or how many times I blink.
I don't care! I'm not taking it anymore! You hear that? I can't take it! I just want my life back! Pay up.
Damn! Okay, you can look.
Oh, my God! Do you like it? Oh.
I love it.
It's beautiful.
You're beautiful.
(BANGING ON DOOR) Just a sec.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Hey.
What are you doing here? This is for you.
Oh, thank you.
That's so sweet of you.
I can't believe you came all the way over here just to give me this.
Well, actually, I was in the neighborhood.
We have video of Roy stealing a coat from Macy's.
Why would he go into a department store and risk being spotted? Huh, that's a good question.
You know, he had the sales lady try on eight coats before he ripped one off her back and jumped through a plate glass window.
That's the sweetest thing I ever heard.
Anyway, you want to go get a crepe? Or a falafel, do you like Look, Justin Come with me.
Roy, this is Justin.
Justin, I know this is hard for you, but I've made a decision.
Roy is the man I love.
Wait a minute.
Oh, no, Justin, you're a dear sweet man, but it just wasn't meant to be.
Um, Nina No, no, Roy, let me finish.
I hope that someday you can be happy for me.
Roy is my soul mate.
Good choices, bad choices be damned.
This is the man I want to grow old with.
Uh, honey, could I talk to you in the hallway? Okay, Roy, you know the drill.
Oh, hell.
But I've got cookies in the oven.
Cookies? No, forget it.
Get up.
What is going on here? I'm taking him back to prison.
Why, just because I won't go out with you? Nina, dear Quiet.
Move it.
Oh, this is so petty.
You're just jealous because you know that I finally decided to make love to him tonight.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) For a moment I thought you were the sensitive one! Yeah, well, now I know I made the right choice! Call me? * Life keeps bringing me back to you * Keeps bringing me home * It don't matter what I wanna do * 'Cause it's got a mind of its own * Life keeps bringing me back to you *