Mad About You s03e23 Episode Script

* Tell me why I love you like I do * Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine * They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time * I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan * All I have is you * So, darling, help me understand * What we do * You can whisper in my ear * Where we go * Who knows what happens after here * Let's take each other's hand * As we jump into the final frontier * I'm mad about you, baby * Yeah! * I'm mad about you MAN ON TV: Keep those legs up, ladies.
Even you short ones out there.
One Hey.
Hey.
How was your mother's? Good.
She said she was sorry you couldn't make it.
How'd your meeting go? What meeting? Good.
Good.
What's all this? Anniversary presents from my mom.
That's for you.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, hey, hey.
What? What, are you gonna wait till Friday? Whenever.
O-Open it up.
All right, all right.
Hey, look at this.
Wow.
That's beautiful.
Real cashmere.
This is nice.
What'd you get? That's, like, that's Wow.
That's really, uh That's vibrant.
Okay? Well, I think it's nice.
Yes.
Yours is nice.
Mine is flame-retardant.
I'm sure you're gonna love whatever you return it for.
Yes, next time I'm in the Philippines.
More importantly, she sent dessert.
Dessert? That's right.
I love your mother.
All right.
Anyway, what I'm gonna get you is gonna more than make up for that.
I thought we agreed not to do presents this year.
You were serious? Well, yeah.
Fine.
Good.
All right.
Here we go.
She sent brownies, she sent cookies, she sent a sponge cake.
Maybe we should get each other, like, a little something.
Fine.
Good.
She sent cherries, halvah, some sort of pie.
What if we agreed not to spend more than $10 each.
Fine.
Or $20, tops.
Good.
Did I say brownies? Yes.
All right, she sent more brownies.
So--So--So $20? Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, empty.
Don't look at me.
She sent milk.
You know what? Let's not limit ourselves.
Why don't you just get me whatever you want.
All right.
Want me to make a list? No.
Because the other day I saw some Excuse me.
What--What, we just met? I just thought it would ease the pressure a little bit.
Hey, after three years, I think I can pick out an anniversary present for you without your help.
It's perfect.
I don't get it.
Lisa, tell him.
Yeah, it's fine.
Come on.
I'm gonna be late for my break.
Hold your horses.
Hold your horses.
Well, do you want my employee discount or not? Just feel it.
I still think the glass grapes are great.
No.
No.
It's designed by Naegle.
I don't get it.
You don't have to get it.
Trust me.
No, but, see, I told Jamie I know what she likes.
Fine.
What do you want to get her? Yeah, you tell me.
What do you think of this? No.
It's an antique inkwell.
I know.
Well, I think he'd like it.
Well He wouldn't.
I'm sorry, but the chef says that we're all out of the chicken.
That's okay, we didn't order the chicken.
All right.
I'll try again.
You know, when we were little, Jamie would always say, "All I want to do is marry a man who'll buy me a tray "and I'll be the happiest woman on Earth.
" She did not.
Well, I have to go to the bathroom.
Plus, it's dented.
Where? Right here, over "Naegle".
Two dots? Over the "E"? Yeah.
Yeah.
That's the umlaut.
Ah.
I know.
Why don't you give him some money? I'm not giving him money.
When he was 12, he found, like, 5 bucks on a boardwalk, I'm telling you.
Okay, you're in luck.
I found two more chickens.
No, no, no.
We didn't order the chicken.
We're splitting a club sandwich.
I'm sorry.
There are no substitutions.
All right, all right.
This is it.
Good.
But you're gonna definitely bring this over after work? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, not "yeah, yeah," I have to give this to her tonight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're telling me if I give this to It's a Naegle.
You want me to just pick something up? No.
I want it to be from my heart, which is why I'm getting him a weed whacker.
So what did you get him? I don't know.
It's your anniversary.
I choked.
I told Ira to pick something up.
Where is he? You told Ira? Shh.
Paul's right inside.
I'm going to go call him.
Hey, hey.
Where is Lisa with this thing? I don't know.
Shh.
You know, you two should talk sometime.
Hey.
Just give me the present.
Fine.
And how are you? What is this? Her present.
The tray? What tray? What, are you kidding me? That's what we talked about.
I don't think so.
Fran, tell him.
That's no Naegle.
Take this back.
I can't.
The stem's cracked, for which I got you an extra 5% off.
I'm not giving her glass grapes.
You know, when Jamie was little Oh, shut up.
Listen, what do I do now? Don't you have anything around here you could wrap up? What? I don't know.
Go look.
(SIGHS) There's no answer.
What are you doing here? I don't know.
Hey, James.
Is it safe? He's in the bedroom.
Hurry up.
What happened to you? Yeah, Susannah yelled at the cabby, so he took us all the way to Brooklyn.
He called me "Mama.
" So don't talk to people.
What is this thing? Paulie's going to love it.
I'm telling you.
Hey, Ira? Hey, yeah.
What are you doing here? I don't know.
Do you want to open your present? Uh, sure.
Don't you want to go get mine? Sure.
Give--Give me a hand, 'cause it's All right, help me find something.
What? Jamie, I didn't get her a gift yet.
Oh, that's nice.
No, no.
I got her one, but I didn't Hey, jams? Women like jams.
What women? You know, like a-- like a whole assortment.
That's nice, right? No.
Why don't you think of something? Why don't you take her someplace.
Where? I don't know.
Some big special surprise thing.
That's not bad.
JAMIE: Honey? What? I'm waiting.
What? I'm waiting.
What? I'm What? Okay, you go first.
Wow.
Yeah, hope you like it.
Well, it's from you, isn't it? Who else? Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
What a beautiful and thoughtful gift.
This is the first movie I ever saw.
I can't believe you remembered that.
Well, yeah.
Wow.
This is so cool.
I'm gonna try this over here.
Give me a hand, hon.
This way, you know, put it right here, sweetie, and when you walk in, it's the first thing you see.
Yeah.
Oh.
Hey, this looks really good here, don't you think? Oh, boy.
Come here, you.
Aw.
So you really like it? Oh, I love it.
'Cause if you don't like it, we can return it.
What, you kidding? No, seriously, we can exchange it.
You can get anything else you want.
Anything.
No, no, no.
This baby's gonna stay right here forever.
Unless What? You know what? Maybe it'll look good in the bedroom.
Oh, I don't know.
No, I'm gonna try it.
No kidding.
This is the best gift I ever got, sweetie.
Oh, well, I'm glad.
What's the matter with you? What? I have to hang that thing in my home.
What's wrong with it? She's got a bus in her uterus.
PAUL: You know what? I was right the first time.
It's funny, "Go with your instinct," right? Yeah.
"Put it here.
" You know, we'll get one of those museum lights.
You know, light it up.
Give it a little spotlight.
Sure, sure.
So what did you get her? JAMIE: Yeah.
Oh, this is it.
Oh, this is it.
Open it up.
Open it up.
Oh, good.
"This note entitles the bearer to one magical night.
" That's right.
Who wants a drink? Honey, I'm not sure what this means? What do you think it means? You're taking me somewhere tonight? That's right.
Drambuie? Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? She wants to know where we're going.
Only to the most romantic place in the city.
You're kidding? Er, nope.
The Twilight Room? Uh You got it! Oh! How did you get reservations? They're booked up for like months in advance.
Well, you think he just came up with this on the spot? This is so wonderful.
Jamie, I thought you were going out with us tonight.
They are.
You got reservations for four? Well, don't ask us.
Let me finish.
Six.
Really? You guys are throwing me a party at the Twilight Room? What time do we have to be there? Late.
I love you.
This is wonderful.
Paulie, I told you this'd work out.
What worked out? We got a cab.
Don't worry about it.
We'll just walk into the Twilight Room and go, "Hey, we're here, feed us.
" I'm telling you, I'll get us in.
You couldn't get us into the Black Angus last week.
Well, they had that shrimp special.
Honey, look.
What? JAMIE: It's our newsstand.
SUSANNAH: You have a newsstand? Mmm-hmm.
That's where we met.
Right there.
He needed a paper and I needed a paper.
Remember? PAUL: Yeah.
FRAN: It was so romantic.
Wasn't it? I just hope you know what the hell you're doing.
All right, you guys check the coats.
We'll take care of business.
Sure.
All right, you know what? Let's just get out of here.
Paulie, relax, would you? I'm telling you, listen.
These guys can smell fear, so be careful.
Evening.
Yes, sir? Buchman, party of six.
For what time? Uh, 9:07.
Buchman with a "B"? Unless you misspelled it.
No, I'm sorry.
Well, that's puzzling.
Did you make the reservation or did Marcy? Marcy? That's his secretary.
She might've put it under another name.
Yeah.
She does that all the time.
Check Smith, Kennedy, Wilson or Harper.
No.
How about Cohen? Hollinger? Rogers? Channing? Or Channing? No, sir, I'm sorry.
Well, what do you have? Oh, Ping.
Ping.
There we are.
Sir, I'm afraid the Pings have already been seated.
At our table? You ready? Huh? Uh, there's just a slight delay.
They're asking us to wait at the bar.
Is there a problem? No, there's no problem.
Go on, go ahead.
We'll be right there.
Drink something.
Isn't this place beautiful? It's lovely.
Go over there.
All right, Paulie.
Schmear him.
Okay.
How much? Fifty.
Yeah? How about 20? at the Angus.
Uh Here you go.
This is for you.
For what? You know.
No, I'm sorry.
I don't know.
You know.
You misplaced it, like our reservations.
Oh, well.
Thank you very much.
So we got a table? No.
Oh, good evening, Mr.
Randolph.
Your table's ready.
Damn.
I was gonna say Randolph.
Now what? I don't know.
Beg.
I'll go wait at the bar.
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever been married? No.
All right, well, let me put it to you this way.
Please, please, please give me a table.
We've been through this already.
I know Honey, what's going on? Hmm? No, uh, they're just, they overbooked or something.
Hey, let me-- let me get one of those, please.
Did you make a reservation? Of course I made a reservation.
What do you think? Here, for you.
Thank you.
Then why aren't they honoring it? No, they're honoring it, they're honoring it.
They're just-- They're just making us wait.
And you know what? It just makes me mad.
Honey, it's okay.
Don't start.
No, it really is wrong.
What kind of place is this? You know, we made reservations weeks ago, we show up, we're dressed up, we're here on time, and this is the kind of treatment we get? It's okay No, no, no! I will not be treated this way.
I will not have our friends treated like this.
Get the coats.
Sweetie, please.
MAITRE D': Excuse me, sir.
No.
You know what? This is not the only joint in town.
No, no, no, please.
This is a big city.
There are plenty of places just as good, just as classy.
And when you get around to calling our names, that's where we'll be.
Come on.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) This is great, huh? What? I know! How did you find this place? Oh, my band plays here sometimes! I'd love to hear them! I'd love to hear anything! Where's the ladies' room? No, not alone.
Hang on.
I'll go with you! Where are we going? IRA: See? What? I got us right in! You're the master, baby! Honey, will you hand me my purse? And trust me, you're in the clear! Honey! You think? I'm telling you, you pulled it off! (MUSIC STOPS) Jamie totally bought the whole thing! Honey? Hi.
I don't even get points for trying? No.
It's not my fault your sister bought grapes.
What does that mean? Fran picked out this beautiful tray Fran picked out my gift? You know, you're not the easiest person in the world to buy for.
Oh, take that back.
I take it back.
All right.
Are we done here? I just wanted something from your heart.
I tried.
No, you didn't.
As much as you did.
What does that mean? I know you had Ira buy mine.
Where do you get that? (SNICKERING) I picked it out with him.
You picked that thing out? Yeah.
Don't change the subject.
I don't believe this.
Now, where are you going? I want a cigarette.
You're not smoking.
Come on.
Sweetie? This doesn't bother you? What, that we're bad shoppers? No.
That we've been married for three years.
It's like we don't even know each other.
Here we go.
Well, excuse me, I find this a little bit disturbing.
Would you stop? No, I won't.
I'm serious.
I know you are.
That's what's so nuts about this.
Not everything has to mean something, you know.
Not everything is some big crisis.
Okay, don't minimize this.
Who's minimizing? You're minimizing.
You're maximizing.
Take that back.
You--You think the gods are up there every day saying, "Let's screw with the Buchmans today "and see if they pass the test"? What test? The test.
What gods? The gods, the gods.
Zeus and Jicama.
Jicama is the white stuff in salads you don't like.
What do I mean? Hecuba.
Hecuba.
Zeus and Hecuba.
Hecuba wasn't a god, she was the queen of Troy.
You know what? I need a cigarette, too.
Good.
Let's buy some at the PAUL: What happened here? JAMIE: Oh, my God.
It's our newsstand.
Somebody had a fire.
But it was just here two hours ago.
Well Paper and wood, how long does that take? It's just gone.
Well, let's-- let's go.
Oh, my God.
What? Do you realize if this had happened five years ago, we never would've met? Probably right.
What, you think we never would've met? Do you know what? We probably would've met anyway.
How? Just tell me what the right thing is now, I'll say that.
Come on.
PAUL: Yes, I am.
JAMIE: No, you're not.
I am.
You're not hanging that thing in our apartment.
Well, then, why'd you buy it for me? You bought it for you.
This is weird.
What? My key-- My key doesn't fit.
Is it the right key? Yes, it's the right key.
Are you turning it? Yes? Yes.
Yes? What are you doing here? I live here.
What are you doing there? HAL: Who is it, darling? I don't know.
HAL: Uh, excuse me.
Wait a second.
What did you do to our apartment? MAGGIE: Your apartment? Where's our couch? Where's Murray? You have a couch named Murray? Did Ira put you up to this? Is this, like, a big anniversary prank? (DOG BARKING) Hey, Murray? Sophie, come here.
What did I tell you about going to strangers? Darling, get Mr.
Wicker.
Mmm-hmm.
Do that.
Please get Mr.
Wicker up here.
Look, I don't know what you people think you're doing here.
We live here.
No, we live here.
So what, we live over there? No, we live there.
I thought you said you live here.
Yes.
How do you live there and here? We used to live there, then we broke through the connecting wall, now we live here and there.
Okay, look.
I should warn you.
I was middleweight champion in my class at Oxford.
JAMIE: Paul.
What? This place is huge.
Is that a steam room? What's going on here? We called the police.
JAMIE: Mr.
Wicker.
Mr.
Wicker.
Would you please tell them who we are? Sure.
Who are you? What is wrong with everybody? They think they live here.
No, we do live here.
What does it say right here? "Paul Buchman.
" Thank you.
What? Why don't we discuss this outside, okay? Come on.
Take a little walk.
Look at this.
Look at this.
This is so weird.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Party's over.
Sorry for the trouble.
Thank you so much.
PAUL: You're telling me.
You got to be kidding me.
Yeah.
Just explain it to the police, okay? JAMIE: We're going to remember this at Christmas.
MR.
WICKER: You just do that.
Good night.
What is going on here? I don't know.
Let me see your license.
He actually call the cops? You think they called the cops? "Central Park West"? "J.
Stemple.
" What? (SIRENS BLARING) That's not for us.
No.
All right, so here's what I'm thinking.
A: I've gone insane.
Or 2: The gods really are screwing with us.
I--I know what it is.
I know what it is.
In 1974, I went to a party at Ricky Neiman's house, and they had punch, and it's just now kicking in.
What about me? All right, that's where I'm stymied.
I have the same social security number.
I'm still a member of the Directors Guild.
Apparently, I've joined a gym.
Which one? Equinox on Amsterdam.
Why all the way up there? I don't know.
Maybe to be near my apartment.
Stop it.
It's not your apartment.
What do you want from me? Wow.
What? My business card.
Farrer-Gantz.
Stemple.
You don't work there anymore.
Maybe not, but they made me a partner.
Good for you.
Thank you.
All right.
What is that? I don't know.
Apparently, I still get around.
As do you.
Ursula, how you doing? Hi.
Hi.
Hey, hey.
You know us, right? Yeah.
No.
Okay, now, she can't remember us? She can't remember a chicken.
Yeah, but still.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We never ate here before we met, right? So? I live somewhere else.
You live somewhere else.
Your name is still Stemple.
The newsstand, it was gone.
The newsstand where we met.
Obviously, we met.
We're here, right? I know, but Are you dreaming? I don't know.
A-Are you? Ow.
Ow.
I said "ow".
Okay, how is this? We go to my place, see what we can figure out Let's go check out my office.
Honey, I'm really curious.
So am I.
Okay, listen.
You go to yours, I'll go to mine.
We'll see what we can find out and I'll meet you back here in one hour.
Okay, good.
One hour.
One hour.
Yes.
Okay.
Good luck.
You, too.