M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e23 Episode Script

[Father Mulcahy.]
And we all give thanks for getting us through another day without too much trouble.
[Woman.]
Mmm, you're such a good kisser.
[Hawkeye.]
Grandfather left me his lips.
He died in mid-pucker.
- [Trapper.]
You sure she's not coming back? - [Woman.]
She's with Hawkeye.
[Trapper.]
Oh, then it should be a while.
He's very thorough.
[Margaret.]
Oh, Frank, without you my intellectual life would absolutely stagnate.
[Frank.]
How does this snap open? - [Slam.]
- Halt! Who goes there? - Out of the way, Klinger.
- I've got to have the password, Colonel.
- Bull feathers.
- That was last week's password.
I don't remember the damn password! Then I can't let you pass, sir.
- Klinger.
- Sir? If I don't get to the latrine something's going to happen that hasn't happened since I was six.
If that happens, Corporal, you'll be in the army until you're a little old whatever-you-are in correction shoes and support stockings.
- Now blow! - Yes, sir! - It's here.
- Great.
- Get the penicillin first.
- Right.
I'm afraid I'll have to take a rain check, Margaret.
Well, it's early, Frank.
- Was it something I s - No.
I think they're fooling around with my coffee again.
I got it.
- [Crashing.]
- Go! Cut! Stop! [Klinger.]
I said stop! Somebody, stop! What the Who the Klinger! You better stop! Klinger, fire for help! My purse is stuck in the trigger! Aaah! Look, uh, you can have the gun, fella.
Yeah, the army's got dozens of'em.
Let's not have any shooting.
Isn't there one man among you? The job's open, Margaret.
What's all the hoo-ha? [Grunting, Groaning.]
- Good work, Klinger.
- Thank you, sir.
Fastest fur in the West.
- Does anybody know who he is? - [All Chattering At Once.]
Okay, people, I'll deal with this.
No need for a mob scene.
I don't know.
Seven against one seems fair.
[Weapon Cocks.]
It's still seven against one.
What do you got here? [Trapper.]
No broken bones, no infection.
You don't need penicillin.
He was certainly stealing enough of it.
Is there a plague someplace we don't know anything about? The new black market price on that stuff is 50 bucks a pop.
Maybe we oughta sell all we have and pay North Korea to throw the war.
That hurt? - [Sighs.]
- Cat's got his tongue.
Or he sold it.
Anything goes with you kids, huh? A guy told me about a sergeant down in Seoul the other day.
Sold his jeep while his major was asleep in the back seat.
Yeah? How much are they getting for used majors? Shall we sell Hot Lips and find out? Too much mileage on her.
Cut these things longer, will you? - They're supposed to be this short.
- No, they're not.
Now, look here, uh, Corporal, uh Perkins we don't care if you sell the 38th parallel for profit but penicillin is vital to our war effort.
We're not gonna let some patient die just because you wanna steal your way through college.
I didn't sell the stuff.
All right, then why'd you take it? - I got my reasons.
- Such as? What outfit are you with? Who were those two other guys? I don't have to tell you anything.
Well, you're certainly doing a good job of it.
You're not leaving here until we get to the bottom of this.
Call MacArthur.
Have my discharge canceled.
## [Whistling.]
- Colonel? - Yo.
- Someone to see you, sir.
- Not now, Radar.
I just got in some new Picassos from Bloomington, Illinois.
It's a Captain Goldberg, a Jewish rabbi.
Well, you can't hardly find the other kind.
- Colonel Blake.
- Oh, uh, Captain Rabbi.
- Are we alone? - Well, except for us.
It's me.
Colonel Flagg, C.
I.
A.
- Colonel Flagg? I thought - Call me Goldberg.
Captain Goldberg.
Captain Goldberg, Colonel Flagg? It's my cover.
As far as anyone knows, I'm a Jewish chaplain.
You got that, son? Uh, yes, Your Hebrewness.
You caught a thief last night.
Well, just the old 4077 th on the stick.
He was stealing penicillin.
The theft of penicillin is getting out of hand.
Well, you might say there's been a rash of penicillin thefts.
- [Chuckling.]
- That's a good one.
It's sort of a joke.
We don't joke in the C.
I.
A.
- Check.
- Leave the jokes to the Kremlin.
Double check.
Now, where's Corporal Perkins? Colonel, that's not his name Captain.
- What does that mean? - Well, I ran down his dog tags.
Turns out they belong to an infantryman, Perkins, Charles P killed in action about a month ago.
Aha.
Now, why would he use a different name? Maybe he's C.
I.
A.
No, I'm Perkins in the C.
I.
A.
Oh.
Whoever he is, I'm taking him with me tonight, Colonel.
- Well, let me see if he's able.
- I want him.
That makes him able.
I know, but there may be medical reasons.
Don't cross me, Colonel.
We know where your family lives.
Hey.
I'm an American too, fella.
- Yeah! - Quiet, or I'll use you to clean a cannon.
Yes, sir.
Now, what time can I have him? Perkins? - Uh, here you go, sir.
- Thank you.
Just get this signed by the attending doctors, Pierce and Mclntyre.
Pierce and Mclntyre.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yes.
Red marks next to their names? Unfriendlies.
Yellow next to mine? Work on it.
- Okay, all right, what do you want? - Pierce, sign this.
- What is this? - It's a release of a prisoner.
I can't sign this.
I thought it was to have you committed.
You'd better put your name on it.
- I've got enough on you to have you thrown out of the army.
- Is that a promise? You could do with a little rest, Chaplain.
Soft bed, soft chair, soft walls.
What's that crack supposed to mean? Oh, come on, Flagg, relax.
Have a drink.
- I'm not Flagg.
I'm Captain Goldberg.
- Oh.
Sorry, Rabbi Goldberg.
L 'chaim.
- What's that mean? - Bottoms up, from right to left.
What about the prisoner? I told you, we can't let Perkins go.
- And I told you his name's not Perkins.
- It's Goldberg.
- Sign it.
- Oh, come on, will ya.
Your brain pan's dripping.
It's your gung-holier-than-thou attitude.
Yeah, you'd do anything for the cause.
Remember the last time you were here, when you broke your own arm? And you rigged that jeep so you could run over yourself.
- [Both Laughing.]
- You're gonna kill yourself.
- If I have to.
- Hey, that's the spirit.
If we had more men like you, we'd have less men like you.
My orders are to do whatever I have to to break up this penicillin ring.
I have written permission to die in the attempt.
Good luck.
You don't know if there is a ring.
We've gotta get the truth first.
Give me that kid for one hour.
I'll get the truth.
Anybody can do that if you use his fingernails for kindling and teach him the soft-shoe with a cattle prod.
- Yeah, we kinda hoped to talk to him.
- Being amateurs at torture.
Stick to medicine.
Leave war to the professionals.
Stop by the hospital before you go.
You could use about 20 cc's of humanity.
[Loud Banging.]
Major Burns.
- You're - I know who I am.
You can knock off, Major.
I'll guard the prisoner.
But my orders The C.
I.
A.
Can supersede anyone's orders.
Except the president's, of course.
Give us time.
Gonna give him the business? It's not gonna be pretty, Major.
What are you gonna do? Tell me.
I can take it.
I'd ask you to stay, Major, but torture's top secret.
Oh, I understand.
You come up with something good and then the other side starts using it.
- You're my kind of people, Major.
- Well [Chuckling.]
I'll leave you to your work.
Uh, if I can ever be of help, um if there's anyone I can tell on, you know Thank you, Major.
Get up, punk.
Now, I'm only gonna say this once.
Get lost.
Beat it.
Take a powder.
You're not gonna buy one in the back.
Frisk me.
Come on.
Aah! [Yells.]
There's this one back here.
One here, and one over here.
It was the Marquis de Sade who said, "You really know how to hurt a person.
" You think I'd do this to myself? I think you'd go over the falls in a thimble.
Novocain syringe.
- Hey! - No drugs.
A little Novocain in your head.
You'll never know the difference.
Negative.
If I lose control, you guys don't have the clearance to hear what's in my head.
I haven't got the stomach for it.
Just do it, hmm? - You heard the manic.
- Right.
Uh, the, uh, powder blue thread, I think.
Would you like it to say "Home, Sweet Home" or "Mother"? I don't think he's ever had either one.
I'll just put his initials.
C.
I.
A crazy in the army.
- You guys'll get yours.
- Can we pick the nurse? There's something happening here I can't make out.
Level with us, Flagg.
That Perkins kid didn't do all that damage to you.
- His name's not Perkins.
- All right.
Goldberg.
I'm Goldberg.
Gee, the next time you come here, I wish you'd pass out programs.
All right, gift wrap him.
[Exhales.]
You want something for the pain? I mean to increase it, so you can really enjoy it.
This entire conversation goes in your file.
Sitting there, I've recorded every word you guys said.
You'll never guess where he hid the microphone.
- Something's fishy.
- It's the red herrings.
He's, uh, quite a man, isn't he? Who's quite a man, Frank? Colonel Flagg, the C.
I.
A.
Guy.
Hmm.
You, uh, find him attractive? - He's all right.
- Huh.
Well, if I were a woman, I would.
Do you often have these fantasies? - What fantasies? - About being a woman.
- I never do! - You just did.
But, Margaret darling, you know how jealous I get.
- [Muffled Moans.]
- Frank, my hair is very brittle.
You keep kissing my head you're gonna give me a crew cut.
I'm sorry, darling.
I just want you to think I'm as manly as he is.
I know just how manly you are.
- Sit, Frank.
- Yes, dear.
How about one for the road? [Hawkeye.]
To the land of nod.
- Thought you had a date.
- My mind's not on it.
How about the rest of your body? - To the rest of my body.
- Long may it wave.
I'd give anything to know what Flagg is up to.
- Or down to.
- Right.
Sirs! Mother! You made it to the fort.
Someone's in the supply room again.
- That kid never knows when to give up.
- Let's go.
Right behind you, kemosabe.
Shouldn't be too hard.
He's all taped up.
- What if he's with his friends? - It's okay.
So are we.
[Trapper.]
God, it's dark in here.
- [Hawkeye.]
I got him! I got him! - [All Yelling.]
[Klinger.]
Be careful! You'll tear my blouse! - [Blows Landing.]
- [Trapper.]
Get him up! I got him! Hey! - [All Grunting, Yelling.]
- [Crashing, Scuffling.]
[Klinger.]
Watch out! I can't see anything! - Somebody, turn on the light! - [Grunting Continues.]
- [Hawkeye.]
You hit me! - [Klinger.]
Somebody I can't see! Get up Get up [Grunts.]
Not too rough, boys.
After all, he is a man of the cloth.
Come on.
I suppose there's an official explanation for this, in addition to an honest one.
I took three of you to take me.
- Nice right cross, Trapper.
- Anytime.
What's all the commotion about? New wrinkle.
We caught our friend here stealing penicillin.
- I don't believe it.
- Tell her, Captain Marvel.
- Help me.
- My people need it for barter.
They're desperate for it up north, so we use it to buy information.
We use it to save lives.
If I get information that'll end a battle sooner or information that'll avoid an ambush I'll save more lives than you will.
- Why don't you torture them? - What did we send you to school for? I'm checking his ribs.
Shall we send out for sauce? Why are you harassing the colonel? He's twice the man either of you are.
That makes him four times the man the two of us are.
He's C.
I.
A.
I wouldn't care if he's C.
O.
D.
- Then we could refuse him.
- This isn't fun and games.
- There's a war going on here.
- I sure hope my wife doesn't find out.
I'm leaving tomorrow with the penicillin.
Over my dead body.
[Chuckles.]
Let me put that another way.
Frank, how could you be such a pea-brain? Well, Flagg wanted to get on with his torture, and, you know, three's a crowd.
Well, I'll not have anyone tortured at the 4077 th, Frank.
We're a hospital! - Well, we're also army.
- You're army.
- I bet if I cut you, you'd bleed khaki.
- And proud of it.
- [Siren Wailing.]
- Well, how proud are you gonna be if l How proud are you gonna be if I charge you with deserting your post? Well he ordered me to leave.
- He's a superior officer.
- [Siren Continues Wailing.]
He's a superior psycho.
His head's so twisted, he's gotta screw his cap on.
Radar Perkins is back, Henry.
- He's here? - The M.
P.
's just brought him in.
Colonel Blake, is this the man caught stealing your supplies? That's him.
You oughta be flogged.
What, are you with the British Navy? His name's Johnson.
He's a medic with the 415th Infantry.
Being a medic, son, you should know better.
Colonel, we're not taking the supplies for ourselves.
You see, rear echelon is giving the stuff out with an eyedropper.
The more penicillin we can get to guys on the front line who've been hit the more of'em we can save.
So sometimes we have to steal what we need.
It's either that, or we use our own money to buy it from the States or on the black market.
That's illegal! As opposed to the war? If you got all the supplies you needed, we wouldn't have anything to inventory.
[Trapper.]
Good thinking, Frank.
An army travels on its inventory.
Before I return him to his outfit, you want to press charges? No, no, no, I don't think so.
Johnson, next time, ask.
If we've got extra, it's yours.
Thank you, sir.
I hate to break up this little tea party, but I'm certain Colonel Flagg would like to talk to the corporal about his escape and his assault on him.
Oh, Frank, that was a phony.
Colonel Flagg, sir? He's the camp self-abusement director.
Uh, Doctors, why don't you see to Colonel Flagg whileJohnson here leaves the camp.
We should arrange it so the colonel leaves us alone indefinitely.
Good idea.
Yeah, why don't we see how he's coming after his operation? - What operation? - Give us a minute.
Good morning, Captain.
- Colonel.
- Congratulations.
I've decided not to have you guys thrown out of the army.
That's really hitting below the belt.
I've got the penicillin.
I'll settle for that.
Well, all's fair in love, et cetera.
I wouldn't eat the bacon.
You'll spend a week in the latrine.
- What about the sausage? - Two weeks.
Vitamins.
[Gas Hisses.]
There's not enough gas in the Hindenburg to put this guy under.
I had to promise him as soon as he went under we'd sew up his mouth.
Is this really on the up-and-up? Do I really have appendicitis? - You felt the cramps.
- You practically doubled over.
Your whole side is inflamed.
Even your pistol was hot.
Come on, now.
Breathe deeply.
- We've gotta open you up.
- [Groaning.]
We'll close our eyes if we find any undigested microfilm.
You're gonna get that long rest you need, Colonel.
The sanitary c-conditions here We change the filth every day.
If I get an infection remember, I've got plenty of penicillin.
We've got plenty of penicillin.
And you've got plenty of nothin'.
Scalpel.
Anything I can do for you? Anything at all? - I'm fine.
- Major.
[Clears Throat.]
Excuse me, sir.
It was a simple appendectomy.
If your breath gets any hotter, you'll singe his chest.
- [Stammering.]
- Let's move along, shall we, Major? Don't eat the bacon, huh? What was in the coffee? - Beans from Brazil.
- Saltpeter from Jersey.
Where's the penicillin? Most of it's hidden.
The rest is distributed in various rumps around the room.
And yours is next.
A square needle, please.
Look, he's all red, white and blue.