NewsRadio (1995) s03e23 Episode Script
Mistake
[.]
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Ooh.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Oh, excellent.
Is that your big interview? No-- Yeah.
Yeah, huh? Hi-- What? How do you know? Dave, let me see it, let me see it.
No.
I don't want anyone to see this ever.
Why? Wh-why? Ah, well-- Uh How about this for starters? Um "One of my reporters, Matthew Brock, is a walking technical difficulty.
" So that's okay.
So what? So you insulted Matthew.
It'll be good for staff morale.
Oh, the staff.
The staff.
You mean my-- My employees, who are basically "a well-intentioned, but wholly inept group of bumblers?" That doesn't even sound like me.
Okay, so he-- He misquoted you.
I mean, that's-- No, no, no.
I said all these things.
Oh.
Um, why? Huh, why? I don't-- Why.
I don't know why.
It was a bad-- I was having a bad day, and, you know, the-- You know-- The publisher, Eric Rhoades, took me out for drinks.
Okay, so he got you drunk-- I had coffee.
Uh-huh.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, well, then what? You just thought it was off the record-- No, no, no, no, no.
"You can quote me on that," seems to be my mantra.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Your first magazine cover.
Very impressive.
Have you read the interview yet? No, I just got-- Great, why don't I autograph that for you? Autograph? So it's gone to his head already.
I like your style.
Oh, I'm not gonna do it right now.
Uh, no.
I need-- I need a little time to, uh, think of, you know, uh le mot juste.
More juice, I hear ya.
Um Morning, Beth.
BETH: Hey! Dave, I was just starting your big interview.
There's a copy of the new Sassy on my desk.
Excellent.
[.]
"If I want anything done right in this office, I have to do it myself.
" Oh, that could be about anybody.
I mean, Dave singled me out by name.
"I have to do it myself "because my personal secretary, Beth, "has neither the desire, nor the ability, to perform the simplest of tasks.
" Still, that could be a typo.
I mean, Dave called me a walking technician.
I don't even know what that means.
No, I saw that over-- It's over here.
It's "walking technical difficulty.
" I don't know what that means either.
It just means you screw everything up.
Which-- Well, that's fair.
Yeah.
That's fair.
Still, he doesn't have to make it sound so distasteful.
BOTH: Yeah.
MATTHEW: It's not right.
BETH: I know, I agree totally.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh.
I'm Brent.
Uh-huh.
Your temp.
Oh, right.
Oh, I called the office.
I'm Beth, hi.
Hi.
This is Matthew.
Matthew.
Cat person.
Am I right? Oh, God, do I have cat hair all over me again? No, I mean you look like a big cat.
Big, tall cat with no hair.
Except on your head.
I like to try to categorize people by the animal they could be if they just tried a little harder.
Oh.
Okay.
Mm.
What? Brent, let's get you set up, all right? Okay.
Um, great.
We need you to categorize these file tapes-- Parakeet person.
Uh, yeah.
Right, anyway.
We need you to categorize file tapes and organize them so we can send them to the warehouse.
Log them by subject and air date.
Okay.
Well, I hope I work out.
I mean, you guys seem like a lot of fun, you know.
I wanna be friends with you.
Um, you do-- You do understand this is just for today, Brent.
Unless I do a better job than the guy who's normally here, right? Um, there is no guy who's normally here.
We hire an extra hand to do this once a year.
It's just a one-day job.
Right.
Okay.
But if I really shine, I mean, this is just the kind of thing that could lead to something a little more permanent.
Am I right? No.
Heh-heh.
But good luck.
Okay.
Okay.
Thanks.
I mean, I'm gonna need it if I wanna get that full-time spot.
BETH: Right.
Dave? [MUFFLED.]
Yes? You wanted to see us? Yes, um Yes, um I called you in here to talk to you about, uh, the, uh interview.
Well, that's all well and good, Dave, because I wanna talk to you about the interview! Now, b-but, I would like you to read these.
These are formal letters of apology.
Thank you, but what do I have to apologize for? No.
You were the one who was shooting your mouth off about "the relentless pain of trying to cope "with the hyperinflated egos and ridiculously immature behavior of the on-air talent"! Sorry.
Okay, look.
The hyperinflated egos part was fair, but didn't you--? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why was the hyperinflated egos part fair? Because that part was about you.
Oh.
Be that as it may, good sir, I will not have you calling this wonderful woman "immature.
" That part was about you also.
I thought that was about you.
Are you calling me immature? He's the one who's calling you immature.
Is that true, Dave? Dave? [GROANS.]
You know what? If Dave thinks I don't even try to do a good job, that's fine.
That's fine.
But you know what? Tell me to my face.
He tells it to your face every day.
I know.
What's up with that, anyway? Beth, you've got to do something about that new temp.
Why? What's he done? Well, I don't know how to say this, but he Well, he's weird.
He's weird.
I'm afraid so.
Well, dude, if anybody's qualified to make that judgment, you're the man.
Yeah, I've got a radar for this sort of thing.
Or a "weird-ar," so to speak.
Excuse me.
Oh, speak of the devil.
Hey, there, Brent-o, how we doin'? We were, uh, just talkin' about you.
Only-- Only good things, though.
Only-- Only-- Only-- Only good things.
Cool.
Um, what do you want me to do with these? Well, where did you find them? In my pocket.
I brought them from home.
Okay, um I guess you could just put 'em on back in your pocket, then.
Okay, I'm on it.
Cool.
BETH: Okay.
Excuse me.
[CHUCKLES.]
You see what I mean? You see? Whatever, man.
Come on, that guy, come on.
The guy's weirder than a five-dollar bill.
Three-dollar bill, dude.
No, 'cause he's like two full dollars weirder than that, even.
Get out! Sir, I-I would like you to read this.
It's-- It's a formal letter of apology.
Oh, all right, all right.
I-I can see that, uh, this is, you know, obviously very long and-- And heartfelt, but-- Yeah, it-- It is.
Well, it's just really long.
You wanna summarize it for me? I-I-- I made a horrible mistake, and I'm very, very, very sorry.
Well, what for--? For what? Um Uh, for saying that our advertisers are a group of third-rate businessmen who are either too cheap or too stupid to advertise on television.
Doesn't matter.
Any publicity is good publicity.
What else? I-I-I-- I also said that our ratings were-- Were horrible, but that were morons anyway.
Oh.
Well, you know, that-- That-- That's no biggy.
I mean, if-- If I was a moron, I would be flattered to be mentioned in a magazine.
There-- There's a little more to it than that.
Hey, Mr.
James.
Hey, Lisa.
But, uh, we-- We can talk about it later, right? You know my-- My heart-- Heart really can't take it right now.
Oh.
In fact, uh, I-I need my, uh I-I-I need my, uh Heart medication? No, cheese crackers.
How'd that go? Oh, that went fine.
That went fine, but I think only because I-- I never got around to telling him what I said about him.
Um, which was what? Well, I said something like, um "And then there's our station owner, "the logic-impaired hayseed who uses the station as his own personal dating service.
" Well, that wasn't a good idea.
No, no.
So you still haven't read it? Oh, well, I tried to, but I couldn't get past that dreamy picture on the cover.
Ah.
[.]
Lisa, I'm just gonna come out and say this.
I'm not getting any younger and it's very important to me that my genes be passed on to the next generation.
Good for you, Bill.
Listen to me.
I'm serious.
I really want there to be a child in this world that's half me.
What are you talking about? Well, I know you wanna have a baby, and I know you don't wanna get married, and I know Dave's not too happy about that, so I thought I'd just let you know that I'm available, no charge.
Okay.
Who--? Who--? Who told you this? Well, it's all right in the article.
Anyhoo, uh if you want a kid, I'd like to toss my hat in the ring.
Well, not my hat.
You know what I mean.
I've taken the liberty of renting a suite at the Four Seasons.
I gather that's how this sort of thing is done.
I'm also open to using artificial means.
By that, I mean I'd like to have some magazines around.
Your call.
No pressure.
Here's the key.
"If you have a girlfriend who wants to have a baby, but doesn't want to get married"? I thought you might do that.
I'm sorry, it was a stupid thing to say.
I-I and I have no Hey, um, if you and that Bill guy have any problems conceiving, um, just try doin' it upside-down and backwards.
It's just a thought.
Whoa.
MATTHEW: Now you see, don't ya? You see, he's just-- He's just-- He's-- He's weird.
Attention must be paid.
Not now, Matthew.
Plus, I heard that if you do it that way, the babies come out sideways.
Whoa.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[.]
Before you say anything, here, please read this, please.
You misspelled "embarrass.
" How do you know? You always do, and there's no comma after the second "very" in "very, very sorry.
" Here you go.
Thermometer.
[SIGHS.]
Bill I do not need a thermometer to know when I'm ovulating.
Of course not.
But you'll note that I'm a very toasty 97.
3, indicating robust good health, in case that's a factor.
He's cool with this, right? I mean, it's not during office hours or anything.
Bill, please.
One angry coworker at a time is all I can handle.
Oh, come on, Dave.
I'm not angry.
Really? Then what are you? I'm Well, I'm hurt.
Deep down inside, where I'm soft like a woman.
I understand and-- And I'm sorry that I hurt you d-d-deep down inside.
Where? Where you are soft like a woman.
Don't mock me, Dave.
Don't be a hurter.
Okay, you know, uh, how can you say that you come off like the biggest idiot? What about me? Look, all-- All I was trying to say is-- Is that in embarrassing all of you, I embarrassed myself most of all.
Oh, please.
Come on.
You just come off like a whiny crackpot.
Who took tap-dancing lessons for five years.
You took tap-dancing lessons? You didn't read the whole article.
Wh-why would you tell the reporter that you took tap-dancing lessons? I was on a roll.
Well, you know what? So what? Big whoop.
A lot of people take tap-dancing lessons when they're a little kid.
I was in college at the time.
Okay.
So you had a weird hobby.
I was considering it as a career.
Yeah, it's all-- It's all explained in-- On the second page.
The-- The paragraph that begins, "I-I slept, ate and breathedtap.
" But that's really neither here nor there.
Okay, well, did you have to do this for college credit or something? Sadly, no.
No, in fact, I had to drive 40 miles, uh, three nights-- "Three days a week in order to pursue my dream of being a world-class hoofer.
" You know, I wanna have a family just as much as you, but Did you do it to meet girls? What? Right? A lot of cute girls in dance class, so you probably Most of the time, yes.
Mine was 100 percent male, however.
Now, about-- So you did it on a dare, right? No.
No.
No, now, about the baby thing.
Right, the baby thing.
You know what, Dave? [SIGHS.]
I think we should put the baby thing on the back burner for now.
I agree.
I think it's something we really need to take time-- And I think I could take some time to figure in this whole tap-dancing component into the equation.
[.]
Ah! Ah, you-- You startled me.
I didn't hear you come in.
It's an old Green Beret trick.
You were a Green Beret? No, but I read a book called Old Green Beret Tricks.
But that's not why I'm here, dude.
I know, Joe, you have every right to be angry-- Do you know what this is? Uhsome sort of remote-control device? Just say no.
No.
This is a fully operational device.
Uh-huh.
Joe, I would like-- That's right, a fully operational device.
Not exactly what you might expect from "a so-called electrician, who knows more about "imaginary flying-saucer technology than he does about a simple light switch.
" It's the imaginary part that bugs you most of all, right? Yeah! I-- Yeah, please read this note.
It's not gonna help, dude.
I know, Joe, but I-I-I really am sorry, and I-I thank you for indulging me and Joe? Joe? Hi, chief.
[.]
Oh! Okay, Joe, how the hell do you do that? I'll lend you the book.
Anyway, dude, I read your note.
Uh-huh.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thanks.
No, thank you, man.
Nobody ever wrote me a formal letter of apology before.
It was on your own paper with your own name on it and everything.
Well, I meant every word of it.
All right.
Well apology accepted, but Look, I don't care what you say about me, but makin' fun of alien technology's just stupid.
I know, and I-I'm sorry.
All right.
I'm gonna leave this for you, all right? Oh, thanks, Joe, and-- See ya.
And I-I apologize for any-- Anything I may have said to-- Hey, Dave.
All right, h-how did you do that? Joe lent me some book.
How ya holdin' up? Fineum, but, sir, I would really, really love to talk to you about What I-- What I said in the-- The article.
Dave, please.
You don't have a heart to heart with a coronary patient, all right? It's in poor taste.
Hey! Hey, what's this? Huh? That's some sort of a remote-control thing that Oh, yeah? Joe rigged up-- Did I--? Did I do that? I think so, sir.
Yeah.
Cool! Wonder what this one does.
Hey, uh M-m-maybe you should just put that down.
Yeah, okay.
Just got one more to go.
[BEEPS.]
Hey! Oh, I see, this one's a decoy.
Huh! What happened? I don't know, I just-- I picked up the phone, and it was like, tick, tick, tick, tick, and I was like, "Huh?" And it was like, "Boosh!" And I was like, "Whoa!" And my ears are like, "Wah, wah, wah.
" What happened? Well, he was just sitting here I-I-I-- and the phone was like tick, tick, tick.
Then he was like, "Huh?" and it was like "Boosh!" And he was like, "Whoa!" And I was all, "Huh?" And then my heart just started going, "kaboop, kaboop, kaboop, kaboop--" Okay, you know what? Enough is enough.
We gotta talk about this.
What? Don't.
Don't, don't.
Don't.
This whole thing, to me-- This whole thing is just gettin' a little too weird.
Well, tell me about it.
I was just thinkin' the same thing.
Weird.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
Weren't.
Were too.
Weren't not.
Were too not.
No, not "weren't too not.
" You know what? Okay, let's just leave it.
Okay.
That's fine.
No, we need to talk about this right now, Mr.
Buster.
You know what? There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
You're weird! Oh, I am? Yeah.
You are and you know it.
You know it.
And quite frankly, this office only has space for one weird guy.
And that weird guy is right here standing in front of you.
He is me.
Hello.
Well, okay.
You know, I mean, I didn't mean to step on Okay.
anyone's toes here.
Yeah, so to speak.
Yeah.
It's just that, you know, I mean, I guess I envy you.
Oh.
Really? Well, yeah.
I mean, come on, I'm just a temp and for guys like you and me You mean weirdoes? Yeah.
For guys like you and me, these positions are hard to-- Well, I know.
It's like every office I go to, they already have their resident weird guy.
You know? So where does that leave me? I don't know, dude.
Maybe you just gotta keep pluggin' away, you know? That's what I did.
I-I-- Maybe I make it look easy.
But I worked my ass off to secure this position.
And-- And-- And you know, you're weird, too.
You'll find a little place for yourself.
Oh.
Well, thanks.
No, I mean, that means a lot comin' from a guy like you, because you, my friend, are, like, the weirdest office weird guy that I've ever seen.
[CHUCKLES.]
Really? Yeah.
Hands down.
Yeah, and-- And that's me after they closed up my chest.
See, openclosed.
Openclosed.
That's very impressive, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, cheer up, will ya? Well, sir, I-I would really love to talk about what I-- What I said about you in the article.
Oh, you mean the one that said I was, uh Let's see, "A logic-impaired hayseed that uses his station as his own private dating service"? Oh, God, you've read it already.
Yeah, about a week ago.
I got an advanced copy.
Uhhere.
Oh, please, not another one of these things.
You-- You hand out more letters of apology than Union Carbide.
Please, sir.
Just read it.
All right.
Dave, this is a letter of resignation.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Uh, you know, I've spent-- I've-- You know-- Three years trying to win the-- The trust and respect and friendship of these people.
And for no good reason, I've thrown it all away.
And I don't think-- Dave.
No, I don't deserve this job.
You can't resign.
Well, I-I'm going to, and, you know, I-I-I don't think I'm cut out for this.
Maybe, maybe not, but I'm tellin' you what, you're not gonna resign, I'll tell you that right now.
You are gonna go back into that office and you are gonna face those people, and you are gonna start from square zero, earning their trust and respect and all that other crap.
Mm-hmm.
WAITER: Are we done here? Yeah, you can take all this stuff away.
Let me tell you something.
Now, just-- Thank you.
Let me tell you something.
You have to start from the bottom before you can aim for the top.
Well, I think I have definitely hit the bottom.
No, you haven't.
Pardon? See, I read, uh, somewhere that, uh, you were a tap-dancing enthusiast.
Oh, sir.
No.
Waiter, could we take this this tablecloth away too? Because, you know, what we're gonna need is a nice, hard surface, aren't we? Oh, please, Mr.
James.
Enrico, if you'd be so kind.
[PIANO PLAYING FUN MELODY.]
Sir, no, I-- You know, I-- Ah, thank you, Jeffrey.
I don't have the proper-- And the boater, if you would.
Thank you.
Come on, Dave.
Tap waits for no man.
Oh, Lord.
Hi.
We're here to see Jimmy James Oh.
My.
Good.
Lord.
That's the whitest thing I've ever seen.
BILL: I second that emotion.
MATTHEW: Now, how can I possibly compete with that? Does your offer still stand? [.]
You're weird too.
Oh, you don't have to say that.
Well, no, the thing with the boxes.
Well, I mean, that's just-- That's just everyday life for me.
Really? I feel better.
This is, like, in blue, out pink, in blue Healing! The healing has begun.
Goodbye.
Friend? Friends.
Seriously? Gimme a kiss.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Ooh.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Oh, excellent.
Is that your big interview? No-- Yeah.
Yeah, huh? Hi-- What? How do you know? Dave, let me see it, let me see it.
No.
I don't want anyone to see this ever.
Why? Wh-why? Ah, well-- Uh How about this for starters? Um "One of my reporters, Matthew Brock, is a walking technical difficulty.
" So that's okay.
So what? So you insulted Matthew.
It'll be good for staff morale.
Oh, the staff.
The staff.
You mean my-- My employees, who are basically "a well-intentioned, but wholly inept group of bumblers?" That doesn't even sound like me.
Okay, so he-- He misquoted you.
I mean, that's-- No, no, no.
I said all these things.
Oh.
Um, why? Huh, why? I don't-- Why.
I don't know why.
It was a bad-- I was having a bad day, and, you know, the-- You know-- The publisher, Eric Rhoades, took me out for drinks.
Okay, so he got you drunk-- I had coffee.
Uh-huh.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, well, then what? You just thought it was off the record-- No, no, no, no, no.
"You can quote me on that," seems to be my mantra.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Your first magazine cover.
Very impressive.
Have you read the interview yet? No, I just got-- Great, why don't I autograph that for you? Autograph? So it's gone to his head already.
I like your style.
Oh, I'm not gonna do it right now.
Uh, no.
I need-- I need a little time to, uh, think of, you know, uh le mot juste.
More juice, I hear ya.
Um Morning, Beth.
BETH: Hey! Dave, I was just starting your big interview.
There's a copy of the new Sassy on my desk.
Excellent.
[.]
"If I want anything done right in this office, I have to do it myself.
" Oh, that could be about anybody.
I mean, Dave singled me out by name.
"I have to do it myself "because my personal secretary, Beth, "has neither the desire, nor the ability, to perform the simplest of tasks.
" Still, that could be a typo.
I mean, Dave called me a walking technician.
I don't even know what that means.
No, I saw that over-- It's over here.
It's "walking technical difficulty.
" I don't know what that means either.
It just means you screw everything up.
Which-- Well, that's fair.
Yeah.
That's fair.
Still, he doesn't have to make it sound so distasteful.
BOTH: Yeah.
MATTHEW: It's not right.
BETH: I know, I agree totally.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh.
I'm Brent.
Uh-huh.
Your temp.
Oh, right.
Oh, I called the office.
I'm Beth, hi.
Hi.
This is Matthew.
Matthew.
Cat person.
Am I right? Oh, God, do I have cat hair all over me again? No, I mean you look like a big cat.
Big, tall cat with no hair.
Except on your head.
I like to try to categorize people by the animal they could be if they just tried a little harder.
Oh.
Okay.
Mm.
What? Brent, let's get you set up, all right? Okay.
Um, great.
We need you to categorize these file tapes-- Parakeet person.
Uh, yeah.
Right, anyway.
We need you to categorize file tapes and organize them so we can send them to the warehouse.
Log them by subject and air date.
Okay.
Well, I hope I work out.
I mean, you guys seem like a lot of fun, you know.
I wanna be friends with you.
Um, you do-- You do understand this is just for today, Brent.
Unless I do a better job than the guy who's normally here, right? Um, there is no guy who's normally here.
We hire an extra hand to do this once a year.
It's just a one-day job.
Right.
Okay.
But if I really shine, I mean, this is just the kind of thing that could lead to something a little more permanent.
Am I right? No.
Heh-heh.
But good luck.
Okay.
Okay.
Thanks.
I mean, I'm gonna need it if I wanna get that full-time spot.
BETH: Right.
Dave? [MUFFLED.]
Yes? You wanted to see us? Yes, um Yes, um I called you in here to talk to you about, uh, the, uh interview.
Well, that's all well and good, Dave, because I wanna talk to you about the interview! Now, b-but, I would like you to read these.
These are formal letters of apology.
Thank you, but what do I have to apologize for? No.
You were the one who was shooting your mouth off about "the relentless pain of trying to cope "with the hyperinflated egos and ridiculously immature behavior of the on-air talent"! Sorry.
Okay, look.
The hyperinflated egos part was fair, but didn't you--? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why was the hyperinflated egos part fair? Because that part was about you.
Oh.
Be that as it may, good sir, I will not have you calling this wonderful woman "immature.
" That part was about you also.
I thought that was about you.
Are you calling me immature? He's the one who's calling you immature.
Is that true, Dave? Dave? [GROANS.]
You know what? If Dave thinks I don't even try to do a good job, that's fine.
That's fine.
But you know what? Tell me to my face.
He tells it to your face every day.
I know.
What's up with that, anyway? Beth, you've got to do something about that new temp.
Why? What's he done? Well, I don't know how to say this, but he Well, he's weird.
He's weird.
I'm afraid so.
Well, dude, if anybody's qualified to make that judgment, you're the man.
Yeah, I've got a radar for this sort of thing.
Or a "weird-ar," so to speak.
Excuse me.
Oh, speak of the devil.
Hey, there, Brent-o, how we doin'? We were, uh, just talkin' about you.
Only-- Only good things, though.
Only-- Only-- Only-- Only good things.
Cool.
Um, what do you want me to do with these? Well, where did you find them? In my pocket.
I brought them from home.
Okay, um I guess you could just put 'em on back in your pocket, then.
Okay, I'm on it.
Cool.
BETH: Okay.
Excuse me.
[CHUCKLES.]
You see what I mean? You see? Whatever, man.
Come on, that guy, come on.
The guy's weirder than a five-dollar bill.
Three-dollar bill, dude.
No, 'cause he's like two full dollars weirder than that, even.
Get out! Sir, I-I would like you to read this.
It's-- It's a formal letter of apology.
Oh, all right, all right.
I-I can see that, uh, this is, you know, obviously very long and-- And heartfelt, but-- Yeah, it-- It is.
Well, it's just really long.
You wanna summarize it for me? I-I-- I made a horrible mistake, and I'm very, very, very sorry.
Well, what for--? For what? Um Uh, for saying that our advertisers are a group of third-rate businessmen who are either too cheap or too stupid to advertise on television.
Doesn't matter.
Any publicity is good publicity.
What else? I-I-I-- I also said that our ratings were-- Were horrible, but that were morons anyway.
Oh.
Well, you know, that-- That-- That's no biggy.
I mean, if-- If I was a moron, I would be flattered to be mentioned in a magazine.
There-- There's a little more to it than that.
Hey, Mr.
James.
Hey, Lisa.
But, uh, we-- We can talk about it later, right? You know my-- My heart-- Heart really can't take it right now.
Oh.
In fact, uh, I-I need my, uh I-I-I need my, uh Heart medication? No, cheese crackers.
How'd that go? Oh, that went fine.
That went fine, but I think only because I-- I never got around to telling him what I said about him.
Um, which was what? Well, I said something like, um "And then there's our station owner, "the logic-impaired hayseed who uses the station as his own personal dating service.
" Well, that wasn't a good idea.
No, no.
So you still haven't read it? Oh, well, I tried to, but I couldn't get past that dreamy picture on the cover.
Ah.
[.]
Lisa, I'm just gonna come out and say this.
I'm not getting any younger and it's very important to me that my genes be passed on to the next generation.
Good for you, Bill.
Listen to me.
I'm serious.
I really want there to be a child in this world that's half me.
What are you talking about? Well, I know you wanna have a baby, and I know you don't wanna get married, and I know Dave's not too happy about that, so I thought I'd just let you know that I'm available, no charge.
Okay.
Who--? Who--? Who told you this? Well, it's all right in the article.
Anyhoo, uh if you want a kid, I'd like to toss my hat in the ring.
Well, not my hat.
You know what I mean.
I've taken the liberty of renting a suite at the Four Seasons.
I gather that's how this sort of thing is done.
I'm also open to using artificial means.
By that, I mean I'd like to have some magazines around.
Your call.
No pressure.
Here's the key.
"If you have a girlfriend who wants to have a baby, but doesn't want to get married"? I thought you might do that.
I'm sorry, it was a stupid thing to say.
I-I and I have no Hey, um, if you and that Bill guy have any problems conceiving, um, just try doin' it upside-down and backwards.
It's just a thought.
Whoa.
MATTHEW: Now you see, don't ya? You see, he's just-- He's just-- He's-- He's weird.
Attention must be paid.
Not now, Matthew.
Plus, I heard that if you do it that way, the babies come out sideways.
Whoa.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[.]
Before you say anything, here, please read this, please.
You misspelled "embarrass.
" How do you know? You always do, and there's no comma after the second "very" in "very, very sorry.
" Here you go.
Thermometer.
[SIGHS.]
Bill I do not need a thermometer to know when I'm ovulating.
Of course not.
But you'll note that I'm a very toasty 97.
3, indicating robust good health, in case that's a factor.
He's cool with this, right? I mean, it's not during office hours or anything.
Bill, please.
One angry coworker at a time is all I can handle.
Oh, come on, Dave.
I'm not angry.
Really? Then what are you? I'm Well, I'm hurt.
Deep down inside, where I'm soft like a woman.
I understand and-- And I'm sorry that I hurt you d-d-deep down inside.
Where? Where you are soft like a woman.
Don't mock me, Dave.
Don't be a hurter.
Okay, you know, uh, how can you say that you come off like the biggest idiot? What about me? Look, all-- All I was trying to say is-- Is that in embarrassing all of you, I embarrassed myself most of all.
Oh, please.
Come on.
You just come off like a whiny crackpot.
Who took tap-dancing lessons for five years.
You took tap-dancing lessons? You didn't read the whole article.
Wh-why would you tell the reporter that you took tap-dancing lessons? I was on a roll.
Well, you know what? So what? Big whoop.
A lot of people take tap-dancing lessons when they're a little kid.
I was in college at the time.
Okay.
So you had a weird hobby.
I was considering it as a career.
Yeah, it's all-- It's all explained in-- On the second page.
The-- The paragraph that begins, "I-I slept, ate and breathedtap.
" But that's really neither here nor there.
Okay, well, did you have to do this for college credit or something? Sadly, no.
No, in fact, I had to drive 40 miles, uh, three nights-- "Three days a week in order to pursue my dream of being a world-class hoofer.
" You know, I wanna have a family just as much as you, but Did you do it to meet girls? What? Right? A lot of cute girls in dance class, so you probably Most of the time, yes.
Mine was 100 percent male, however.
Now, about-- So you did it on a dare, right? No.
No.
No, now, about the baby thing.
Right, the baby thing.
You know what, Dave? [SIGHS.]
I think we should put the baby thing on the back burner for now.
I agree.
I think it's something we really need to take time-- And I think I could take some time to figure in this whole tap-dancing component into the equation.
[.]
Ah! Ah, you-- You startled me.
I didn't hear you come in.
It's an old Green Beret trick.
You were a Green Beret? No, but I read a book called Old Green Beret Tricks.
But that's not why I'm here, dude.
I know, Joe, you have every right to be angry-- Do you know what this is? Uhsome sort of remote-control device? Just say no.
No.
This is a fully operational device.
Uh-huh.
Joe, I would like-- That's right, a fully operational device.
Not exactly what you might expect from "a so-called electrician, who knows more about "imaginary flying-saucer technology than he does about a simple light switch.
" It's the imaginary part that bugs you most of all, right? Yeah! I-- Yeah, please read this note.
It's not gonna help, dude.
I know, Joe, but I-I-I really am sorry, and I-I thank you for indulging me and Joe? Joe? Hi, chief.
[.]
Oh! Okay, Joe, how the hell do you do that? I'll lend you the book.
Anyway, dude, I read your note.
Uh-huh.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thanks.
No, thank you, man.
Nobody ever wrote me a formal letter of apology before.
It was on your own paper with your own name on it and everything.
Well, I meant every word of it.
All right.
Well apology accepted, but Look, I don't care what you say about me, but makin' fun of alien technology's just stupid.
I know, and I-I'm sorry.
All right.
I'm gonna leave this for you, all right? Oh, thanks, Joe, and-- See ya.
And I-I apologize for any-- Anything I may have said to-- Hey, Dave.
All right, h-how did you do that? Joe lent me some book.
How ya holdin' up? Fineum, but, sir, I would really, really love to talk to you about What I-- What I said in the-- The article.
Dave, please.
You don't have a heart to heart with a coronary patient, all right? It's in poor taste.
Hey! Hey, what's this? Huh? That's some sort of a remote-control thing that Oh, yeah? Joe rigged up-- Did I--? Did I do that? I think so, sir.
Yeah.
Cool! Wonder what this one does.
Hey, uh M-m-maybe you should just put that down.
Yeah, okay.
Just got one more to go.
[BEEPS.]
Hey! Oh, I see, this one's a decoy.
Huh! What happened? I don't know, I just-- I picked up the phone, and it was like, tick, tick, tick, tick, and I was like, "Huh?" And it was like, "Boosh!" And I was like, "Whoa!" And my ears are like, "Wah, wah, wah.
" What happened? Well, he was just sitting here I-I-I-- and the phone was like tick, tick, tick.
Then he was like, "Huh?" and it was like "Boosh!" And he was like, "Whoa!" And I was all, "Huh?" And then my heart just started going, "kaboop, kaboop, kaboop, kaboop--" Okay, you know what? Enough is enough.
We gotta talk about this.
What? Don't.
Don't, don't.
Don't.
This whole thing, to me-- This whole thing is just gettin' a little too weird.
Well, tell me about it.
I was just thinkin' the same thing.
Weird.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
Weren't.
Were too.
Weren't not.
Were too not.
No, not "weren't too not.
" You know what? Okay, let's just leave it.
Okay.
That's fine.
No, we need to talk about this right now, Mr.
Buster.
You know what? There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
You're weird! Oh, I am? Yeah.
You are and you know it.
You know it.
And quite frankly, this office only has space for one weird guy.
And that weird guy is right here standing in front of you.
He is me.
Hello.
Well, okay.
You know, I mean, I didn't mean to step on Okay.
anyone's toes here.
Yeah, so to speak.
Yeah.
It's just that, you know, I mean, I guess I envy you.
Oh.
Really? Well, yeah.
I mean, come on, I'm just a temp and for guys like you and me You mean weirdoes? Yeah.
For guys like you and me, these positions are hard to-- Well, I know.
It's like every office I go to, they already have their resident weird guy.
You know? So where does that leave me? I don't know, dude.
Maybe you just gotta keep pluggin' away, you know? That's what I did.
I-I-- Maybe I make it look easy.
But I worked my ass off to secure this position.
And-- And-- And you know, you're weird, too.
You'll find a little place for yourself.
Oh.
Well, thanks.
No, I mean, that means a lot comin' from a guy like you, because you, my friend, are, like, the weirdest office weird guy that I've ever seen.
[CHUCKLES.]
Really? Yeah.
Hands down.
Yeah, and-- And that's me after they closed up my chest.
See, openclosed.
Openclosed.
That's very impressive, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, cheer up, will ya? Well, sir, I-I would really love to talk about what I-- What I said about you in the article.
Oh, you mean the one that said I was, uh Let's see, "A logic-impaired hayseed that uses his station as his own private dating service"? Oh, God, you've read it already.
Yeah, about a week ago.
I got an advanced copy.
Uhhere.
Oh, please, not another one of these things.
You-- You hand out more letters of apology than Union Carbide.
Please, sir.
Just read it.
All right.
Dave, this is a letter of resignation.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Uh, you know, I've spent-- I've-- You know-- Three years trying to win the-- The trust and respect and friendship of these people.
And for no good reason, I've thrown it all away.
And I don't think-- Dave.
No, I don't deserve this job.
You can't resign.
Well, I-I'm going to, and, you know, I-I-I don't think I'm cut out for this.
Maybe, maybe not, but I'm tellin' you what, you're not gonna resign, I'll tell you that right now.
You are gonna go back into that office and you are gonna face those people, and you are gonna start from square zero, earning their trust and respect and all that other crap.
Mm-hmm.
WAITER: Are we done here? Yeah, you can take all this stuff away.
Let me tell you something.
Now, just-- Thank you.
Let me tell you something.
You have to start from the bottom before you can aim for the top.
Well, I think I have definitely hit the bottom.
No, you haven't.
Pardon? See, I read, uh, somewhere that, uh, you were a tap-dancing enthusiast.
Oh, sir.
No.
Waiter, could we take this this tablecloth away too? Because, you know, what we're gonna need is a nice, hard surface, aren't we? Oh, please, Mr.
James.
Enrico, if you'd be so kind.
[PIANO PLAYING FUN MELODY.]
Sir, no, I-- You know, I-- Ah, thank you, Jeffrey.
I don't have the proper-- And the boater, if you would.
Thank you.
Come on, Dave.
Tap waits for no man.
Oh, Lord.
Hi.
We're here to see Jimmy James Oh.
My.
Good.
Lord.
That's the whitest thing I've ever seen.
BILL: I second that emotion.
MATTHEW: Now, how can I possibly compete with that? Does your offer still stand? [.]
You're weird too.
Oh, you don't have to say that.
Well, no, the thing with the boxes.
Well, I mean, that's just-- That's just everyday life for me.
Really? I feel better.
This is, like, in blue, out pink, in blue Healing! The healing has begun.
Goodbye.
Friend? Friends.
Seriously? Gimme a kiss.