The Office (US) s03e23 Episode Script

Okay, where does it hurt? Just All over.
I don't want to do anything.
I'm dying.
No, that's not how it works.
You have to point to a specific part of the body.
Right there.
Abdomen.
Menses.
Maybe.
"The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it.
" Not it, I don't have eggs.
So when did this start? About 10 minutes ago.
I don't When I came in with the paperwork? About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick but has no symptoms.
Dwight is always gravely concerned.
Is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste? It's possible.
Michael? David Wallace is on line one.
CFO? All right, everybody out.
Out, out, out.
Okay.
To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace? Michael, I am calling to see And Gromit.
Jan? Is Jan there? Jan is out of town right now.
Oh.
You sigh like Jan.
I broke Jan's heart, David.
And I feel awful.
It was It was never my intention to ruin a life.
But you know what? Sometimes Michael? you just gots to get your freak on.
Michael? Yeah? Michael? I am calling to see if you would come down and interview for a job we have opening up in corporate.
Really? A week from today.
Bring your first quarter stats and your recommendation for who'd take over the Scranton branch.
Wow.
I wish I had prepared something to say.
That's not necessary.
May God guide you in your quest.
Yes.
Okay.
Everybody have their towels and swimsuits? We've got an hour and a half.
I suggest that you all go potty now, and then we will be congregating on the party bus.
Oh, I'm excited.
Today is Beach Day.
Michael is taking the whole office to the beach.
So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt.
Oh, yeah.
I packed it in my purse.
Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume? I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.
Well, you can't swim in leather pants.
I'm just yanking your chain.
Not literally.
Anybody need sun block? I've got SPF 30.
Oh.
You know what? You're not going.
It's Beach Day.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry.
Toby, we Somebody has to stay here.
I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York.
And if Toby's a part of it, then it'll suck.
Hey.
You want my sunscreen? Oh, great.
I forgot mine and I'm wearing a two-piece.
Thanks, Toby.
Hey, Pam.
I have a very important job for you today.
I thought we were just having fun at the beach.
We are.
We are.
But I would like you to take notes.
And I want you to find out about people's character.
You know, not their hotness, per se, but their humor and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me.
What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question.
It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away.
It dies.
Unless you find a new head.
I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.
You want me to write down people's indefinable qualities? I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day and then type it up in a way that is helpful.
All right? I have the most boring job in the office.
So why wouldn't I have the most boring job on Beach Day? This way to the party bus.
I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs.
That's all I've ever wanted.
And the night got deathly quiet And his face lost all expression Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy "You gotta learn to play it right "You got to know when to hold 'em "Know when to fold 'em" Yeah.
"Know when to walk away Know when to run "You never count your money "When you're sitting at the table "There'll be time enough for counting "When the dealing's done" Everybody, may I have your attention, please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
Oh, sweet mother of God.
If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Excuse me? Or the front of the bus or drive the bus.
Just We are all participating in mandatory fun activities.
Funtivities.
And there is a special secret prize for the winner.
Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.
Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm's turning people off.
I hope there will be management parables.
Well Hey, Pam.
Did you get that down? Like what? Like everything I said and everything they did, and just I don't know exactly Don't Write it down before you forget it.
That's You've just been drawing pictures.
I can't stay mad at you.
Here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg.
Watch out for snakes.
Everybody, put on sunscreen.
All right.
Find a cozy spot.
Everybody, settle in.
Okay, everybody up.
Circle around.
Let us play some games.
We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton, America's eighth-largest indigenous body of water.
It is here that a group of Americans will undergo the ultimate challenge.
One day, fourteen strangers who work together, but only one survivor.
What? Just words.
Inspiring words.
Not a contender.
For the competitions, you will be divided into four tribes.
Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking.
Jim, Dwight, Andy, and Stanley.
Yes! Choose your tribes.
Except for Pam, not Pam.
Jim Halpert.
Karen.
Pros: Smart, cool, good-looking.
Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: Not a hard worker.
I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in half an hour.
So that should tell you something.
I choose Michael! I'm not playing.
Okay.
Temp.
Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job.
He has the best sales record in the office.
He loves the work.
He is, however, an idiot.
We are going to choose team names.
Dwight.
We will be called Gryffindor.
Really? Not Slytherin? Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
I know.
Okay, we will be Voldemort.
He Who Must Not Be Named? I wouldn't do that.
Voldemort.
Voldemort.
Okay, seriously Voldemort.
Voldemort.
you really shouldn't be saying Voldemort.
Voldemort.
Idiots.
Idiots.
Okay, okay.
Stanley, your team name? I don't care what you call my team.
Then I will name your team the Red Team.
No, the Blue Team.
I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done for America.
We will be Team USA.
Very good.
Pam, please, take a note that Andy is patriotic.
Andy Bernard.
Pros: He's classy, he gets me.
He went to Cornell.
I trust him.
Cons: I don't really trust him.
It is time for the great spoon and egg race.
This one is with a little twist.
There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon.
The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded.
Please, put on your blindfolds.
That person carrying the egg will go down, circle a torch, come back, deposit their egg in the pail.
First team back is the winner.
All right, ready, set, go! Come on, Phyllis, you can do it.
Thank you so much.
Phyllis is out.
Yes! Follow my voice.
Follow my voice.
Yeah, keep it moving, keep it moving right this way.
Looking good.
I don't want to hit the big rock.
Don't worry, you're not I know I'm near the big rock, I just know it.
Nowhere near the big rock.
Andy, I don't wanna get hurt by the big rock.
What are you doing? No! See, now we're disqualified.
I am okay if I lose every single contest today.
Honestly.
Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am.
Mallard.
Stop, stop, stop.
There's a hole.
Move it! Just step over the hole.
Move your ass! Yup.
Come on, lazy-bones! Move it! Come on! Perfect.
Just made it.
Okay, turn left.
Come on! Come on! Andale, Andale! Arriba! You have to stop this right now or I'm not gonna do this anymore.
What are you saying? You have to stop yelling at me or I'm not gonna do the egg race.
Okay, I apologize for yelling at you.
That's what being a good captain is about.
I'm trying to bring team spirit! It's about listening to your team.
Whoa, stop.
Another hole.
Take a big step.
I am not hysterical.
I am explaining Yes! Oh, my God.
You ass.
There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf and diligent note-taking.
Pam, you're missing things! Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on, you bastard! What the Damn it, temp! Great job, everyone, that was fantastic.
Okay, Pam, I have another little project for you.
Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs? Smart as a whip! Yes.
These are pre-cooked, so it's not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs for a little contest I'm going to be having.
I would greatly appreciate it.
When's the contest? Like, 10 minutes? How am I supposed to get Thanks a bunch.
A good manager has got to be hungry.
Hungry for success.
Okay, who's hungry? No, no, no, do not touch the food.
Please, not yet.
That is our next event.
A hot dog-eating contest.
Oh, God.
For those of you who are curious, the world record is 54 and one half hot dogs.
Wow.
And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so that each and every one of you could break that record.
So shoot for the stars, okay? All right! The team that eats the most hot dogs in 10 minutes will be declared the winner! On your mark, get set Can I have a turkey burger? No.
I have the only one.
I claimed it.
Ready? Turkey is a healthy meat.
Yeah, it's very good for you.
I don't eat meat, Michael.
I'm not gonna eat this.
It has L-tryptophan.
Guys, guys.
Come on What's L-tryptophan? Please! Let's just Okay, it's very important that you all try to eat as many hot dogs as you can.
On your mark, get set, eat! Is there any mustard? No mustard! No mustard! Just eat it! Eat it, Phyllis.
Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily.
Come on, the winner gets a big, big prize.
What is it? I can't say.
You can't say? Or you can't pronounce it? The winner gets regional manager salary for a year and a Sebring and the feeling that they're making a difference in the world.
Can we just take those first two things? The winner of today gets my job.
Okay? I'm interviewing for a job at corporate.
And they're only interviewing a handful of people, and I'm the most qualified, and I'll probably get it, all right? You're leaving? I didn't wanna tell anybody.
I didn't wanna cast a pall over our fun Beach Day.
But you know what? I don't know who to recommend, because, frankly, nobody's stepping up.
I am so hungry.
Do you expect me to believe that you're truly making your recommendations on this basis? Word.
Here we go.
Let's see it.
I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself.
Game on.
Come on.
Come on.
Four seconds.
Three, two, one Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard Team USA! with 14 hot dogs! One came up.
Thirteen hot dogs, everybody.
Damn it! Nobody told me we were gonna have hot dogs.
Sabotage.
What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich? No.
I was saying that before.
Not now.
Now I am saying sabotage.
The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
I knew you were saying sabotage.
I was giving you an example of it.
I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.
It's very simple.
There are only three rules.
You must not touch the ground.
You must not step outside of the ring.
And you must always wear the safety mittens.
We don't have any safety mittens.
Probably left them in the trunk of my car.
It's all right.
Here we go.
Get him, big boy! And go! Come on, Jim! Come on! What are you doing? Come on! Stop.
Nice, Stanley! Sorry about that.
It's all about taking points away from Dwight.
Yeah.
No.
Good.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
I have never seen that look in a man's eyes, ever.
I thought that I might die.
On Beach Day.
Come on! Come on! Come on! If either of these guys are put in charge of the office, I will transfer to Albany.
Gil can come if he wants.
I'm kind of looking for a way out of that relationship, anyway.
I think I might try girls for a while.
Angela thinks I can cross over.
We'll see.
One, two, three! Yeah! Yeah! Excellent! Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Come on! I didn't win.
But the only reason I didn't win is because I recently learned that it's better to work things out with words.
That's not why you lost.
Yeah, it is.
I totally could have kicked your butt.
Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, right! Come on, come on! God! How do you like that? Help.
Help! Angela! Angela, hey.
Oh, thank God.
Go tell somebody.
What, Andy? Andy, what should I tell them? Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously.
I don't understand what you want from me.
Angela, it's pretty simple.
Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody it! Sorry! Bye, Andy! Angela! I knew that finding a successor would be difficult.
I did not know that it would be impossible.
Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing.
Jim is not taking it seriously.
Stanley is having a stroke.
And Andy, where is he? Where the hell is Andy? Where is he, Pam? Do you know? Who's ahead in points? I think they're even.
At various times you gave Jim 10 points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs-up.
And I don't really know how to compare those units.
Well, check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook.
I really doubt it, Michael.
Please, just check.
Great.
Yeah, I'll see you next week.
Thank you.
And here is Karen Filippelli.
Bye.
Hello? Yeah, hi, David.
Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well.
"In well"? As well.
How would that work, in well? I just want to know.
Yes.
Wait a minute.
That would be fine.
If this job is in a well, I don't want it.
I don't.
What does a great manager need most of all? Courage.
How so? I mean, sure thing.
That sounds smart.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm going to sit in the bus.
Your loss, Stanley.
Meanwhile, the rest of us will have a super-fun time defeating our fear and creating a lasting memory walking through fire! Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals.
Are you gonna try it? I'm not gonna walk in the fire after your disgusting feet have gone through.
Angela, it is a million degrees.
I'm gonna do it.
And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital.
That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right? No, no.
Not you, Pam.
You have to keep score.
I'd like to try it.
Pointless.
But I'm not kidding, I really wanna do it.
Okay? This is about guts.
It takes guts to be a regional manager.
Jim, you're up.
Nope.
Why not? Come on.
Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned.
You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager.
That's harsh.
Who's next? Andy, where is Andy? Andy is never here today.
Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin.
Hello? Why don't you go, Michael? Because I already did.
Remember? I burned my foot on the George Foreman Grill.
That is not the same at all.
If you're gonna ask other people to do it, you should do it yourself.
All right, okay.
All right.
Fine.
Okay.
Okay.
Go.
The mind has to wrap around the foot.
Okay.
You want us to count to three? Yes, count to three, please.
Three, two, one! Three, two, one! Count the other way.
Go.
No, no.
Count one, two, three.
Okay, okay.
Not three, two, one.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Go! Do it! Go, Michael.
Wait.
Am I going on "go" or am I going on "three"? On "three".
On the "go" that's after "three".
Okay.
One, two, three, go! One, two, three, go! No! It's okay.
I will do this, Michael.
Don't, Dwight I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager! Wow.
Yes.
Dwight.
Dwight.
Dwight.
Keep moving if you're gonna walk there.
Keep moving! Keep coming.
Give me the job! That's enough! Give me the job! I'm not going to give it to you! Don't kneel on the coals! Oh, my God! Michael, do something! God, that stinks! Dwight, stop it! Being a boss is also about image.
I've never looked like that.
That was gross.
I just I don't see the connection between a fire walk and management.
Worst $75 I ever spent.
You know what? If I had to pick my replacement based on today, it would be Mr.
Outside Hire.
Or Mrs.
Outside Hire.
Yeah.
True.
Look, I don't I don't wanna leave this branch that I love to an outside hire.
Therefore, we're going to have a 100-point, winner-take-all, sudden death, Tribal Council round to test the aspect of my job that I think is the most important, something I call the Bob Hope factor.
Who's Bob Hope? God.
He's He's a comedian.
Oh, like Amanda Bynes.
Who's Amanda Bynes? She's from What a Girl Wants.
Oh, I love that movie.
Yes.
Kelly is right.
The person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor.
And they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope.
So, without further ado, Jim and Dwight.
Show us what you've got.
Hey.
I know what you're looking for, but I gotta be honest, I really don't think I should be considered as your replacement.
You are being too modest.
Michael, on Thursday, I'm gonna drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York.
Okay, that is not funny.
I am deducting 60 points from Voldemort for false pretenses.
Okay, Dwight, your turn.
Wow us.
The Aristocrats.
A man and his wife and children go into the offices of a talent agency.
And the talent agent says, "Describe your act.
" And the man says something really, really raunchy.
And the talent representative says, "What do you call yourselves?" And the man says, "The Aristocrats.
" I mean, truly repulsive acts.
That is a very, very funny story.
Hey.
I wanna say something.
I've been trying to be more honest lately, and I just need to say a few things.
I did the coal walk.
Just I did it.
Michael, you couldn't even do that.
Maybe I should be your boss.
Wow, I feel really good right now.
Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you.
That really sucked.
It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist.
Jim, I called off my wedding because of you.
And now we're not even friends.
And things are just, like, weird between us, and that sucks.
And I miss you.
You were my best friend before you went to Stamford.
And I really miss you.
I shouldn't have been with Roy.
And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding.
But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you.
And now you're with someone else.
And that's fine.
It's Whatever.
That's not what I'm I'm not Okay, my feet really hurt.
The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim, and to everyone else in the circle, I guess, is that I miss having fun with you.
Just you, not everyone in the circle.
Okay, I am gonna go walk in the water now.
Yeah.
It's a good day.
Pam! That was amazing! But I am still looking for someone with a sales background.
Flintstones.
Meet the Flintstones They're a modern stone age family From the town of Bedrock They're a page right out of history Let's ride with the family down the street Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet When you're with the Flintstones You'll have a yabba dabba doo time A dabba doo time You'll have a gay, old time! Wilma! Nice.