The Simpsons s03e23 Episode Script

## The Simpsons ## Ahh.
Why, you little.
.
! [ Raiders ofThe Lost Ark Theme Playing .]
What the.
.
? D'oh! Bart, look at this.
My dad took me to Circus of Values last night and said I could get anything I wanted.
Cool-- An oversize novelty billiard ball.
You shake it up and it tells the future.
Really? Uh-huh.
Will I pass my English test? ''Outlook not so good.
'' Wow, it does work! Let me try.
Will I get beat up today? ''All signs point to yes.
'' That ball knows everything.
I got one.
Will Milhouse and I be friends till we're toothless old men with hair in our ears? Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts living off Uncle Sucker? Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day? What could come between two bestest buddies like us? Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students.
Other principals unload problem cases that way.
Lord knows I do.
I'm a good student.
Yeah, sure, and they told me I'd get a big parade when I got back from 'Nam.
Instead, they spat on me.
I can still feel it searing.
So, let's just see what the permanent record has to say.
No detention, fairly good attendance I see you beat that bed-wetting problem.
Don't worry.
They'll forget just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for 1 8 agonizing months.
Every night I wake up screaming.
Well, let's meet your classmates.
Bart, was this thing right about your test? To those who doubt the Magic Eight Ball's power I say, behold my ''F.
'' Attention, class.
I have a new student for you.
Great.
Just keep packing them in, Seymour.
We should discuss this later.
It's never easy to come to a new school.
Let's make her feel right at home.
Please say a big elementary school hello to Samantha Stinky.
Stanky.
Oh, right.
How embarrassing for you.
Well, good-bye.
I'm sure this is a little scary for you Uh-huh.
So why don't you tell us about yourself? I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.
We just moved here from Phoenix.
My dad's in home security.
He came here because of the high crime rate and lackluster police force.
All my friends are back in Phoenix and this town has a weird smell that you're all probably used to but I'm not.
It takes about six weeks.
Hey, Milhouse, would you like a wet willie? Sure.
Eww! Victim number four.
Louis, can I interest you in a wet willie? Sure aah! When I find out who hit me with ball I'm going to tear them a new.
.
! Whoa! In order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy target for every smooth-talking lothario with a car and tight jeans I will now show a short sex education film.
Ezekiel and Ishmael in accordance with your parents' wishes you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.
Hello.
I'm actor Troy McClure.
You kids might remember me from such educational films as Lead Paint:: Delicious But Deadly and Here Comes The Metric System.
I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner.
And now, here's This is Fuzzy Bunny.
About a year ago he noticed his voice was changing he had terrible acne and had fur where there was no fur before.
He also noticed Fluffy Bunny.
Boring.
Fluffy and Fuzzy went to the park the ice cream social the boat show and other wholesome activities and they never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges.
Then came the big day.
Fluffy and Fuzzy got married.
That night came the honeymoon.
Eww! She's faking it.
The most satisfying part was knowing that they waited.
Nine months later Fluffy gave birth to 1 4 beautiful bunnies.
Eight survive.
And now that you know how it's done don't do it.
Any questions? Mrs.
Krabappel how come you don't live with Mr.
Krabappel? Because Mr.
Krabappel chased something fluffy down a rabbit hole.
How do we know when we fall in love? Oh, don't you worry.
Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone.
How do I create a half man, half monkey-type creature? I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
God, shmod-- I want my monkey man.
Uh that's a nice dress.
My dad makes me wear it.
I hate it.
I hate it too.
Uh can I walk you home? Okay.
Everybody on.
No shoving.
Just kidding.
You can shove all you want.
Hey, Otto Man, you can't leave.
Milhouse isn't here yet.
No time, Bart Dude.
My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar from 4:1 5 to 4:20.
Hey, Bart.
Milhouse, what a pleasant surprise.
Hi.
What's with the skirt? I've brought friends to this tree house before.
But never a girl.
What if I want to strut around nude? Maybe I should go.
No, you can stay.
You can read comics with us.
Let's see, something for the lady ah-- Radioactive Man vs.
The Swamp Hag.
Got any girl comics like Bonnie Crane, Girl Attorney Punkin and Dunkin, the Twinkle Twins or Li'l Knee Socks? No, but my sister's got a wide selection of crappy comics.
Eww! You guys want to see something gross? [ Announcer.]
Tonight on Smartline:: ''I'm okay.
You're too fat.
'' Here's your host, Kent Brockman.
Good evening.
Did you know that 34 million american adults are obese? That excess blubber could fill two-fifths of the Grand Canyon.
That may not sound impressive but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon.
This sucks.
Where's that channel changer? Oh.
I'll give it a chance.
Americans have grown up with the image of the jolly fat man-- Dom DeLuise Alfred Hitchcock, and, of course Santa Claus.
But in real life Santa would be suffering from gall stones hypertension, impotence, and diabetes.
I wish they had never invented fried cheese.
We got to widen the hole.
Hurry-- The chain's starting to give.
We take 1 8 ounces of sizzling ground beef and soak it in rich creamery butter.
Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg.
We call it the Good Morning Burger.
I've got to help him.
Okay, Milhouse I'll trade your Carl Yastrzemski baseball card for my Omar Vizquel.
Deal.
Next, your Mickey Mantle for my picture of Homer on the couch.
Milhouse, I've got to go.
My dad thinks I'm having my braces examined.
Well, you kind of sort of are.
Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties.
I can't believe the risk you're running.
Besides, what's so great about kissing? It's not just the kissing.
A lot of it is waiting to kiss.
You know, like when you open an Eskimo Pie and you wait just a little for it to melt? But she doesn't melt.
Oh, yes, she does.
We start with pure milk chocolate Chocolate add a layer of farm-fresh honey Oh, sweet.
then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar and dip it in rich creamery butter.
What if I told you you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger? I'd say you're a lying scumbag.
Why, sweetie? According to Eternity magazine you can lose weight subliminally.
An idea is subtly implanted in your head without your knowing it.
That's a load of rich creamery butter.
You listen to tapes while you sleep.
As you hear New Age music a powerful message goes to your brain telling you to eat less.
Lose weight and listen to New Age music? Wow.
What do you think, Marge? Oh, Homer, I love you just the way you are.
Lisa, what's that number? I'd like to place an order for my husband.
Would he like to lose weight, stop smoking learn the state capitals, master hostage negotiations.
.
? Hmm hostage negotiations.
Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands.
What do you say to that? Give me the weight loss tape.
We're out of ''Subliminally Slim.
'' Uh send them the vocabulary builder.
Here you go, fatso.
So long, stomach.
We've had a lot of great memories.
Hello.
This is Dr.
Marvin Monroe.
Let's build your vocabulary.
Abattoir: Slaughterhouse.
''The cow was slaughtered in the abattoir.
'' Has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Lamentably, no.
My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.
Don't you usually play with Milhouse? He has a girlfriend.
Milhouse? Yeah.
All they do is kiss.
How cute.
They don't open their mouths, do they? No.
How cute.
Hey, Martin.
No one has sat next to me since I successfully lobbied to have the school day extended by 20 minutes.
I'm looking for a friend who won't leave me for a girl.
I'm as unpopular with the ladies as I am with the chaps.
Yeah, right.
Do you want to do something after school? It's a date.
Everyone, Bart and I would like to announce that we friends.
Bart, would you care to listen to me play the lute? Uh sure.
Is that tape working? You ate three desserts tonight.
Forbearance is the watchword.
That triumvirate of twinkies overwhelmed my resolve.
There's another thing I want to talk about.
Tut, tut, gentle Marge.
Here in the boudoir the gourmand metamorphosizes into the voluptuary! What in God's name are you talking about? Oh.
Mmm Heh Hey, guys.
Wow, that really took my mind off those awful, transforming space mutants.
Good.
Man, I could sure go for a snack.
Me too.
D'oh! Hey, I've got an idea.
Why don't we go spit on the principal's car? Listen, Bart, there's such a thing as spending too much time together.
Oh, fine.
I'm tired of watching you two lip wrestle.
There's plenty of other ways to be grossed out.
Bart, wait.
Yeah? Uh could we still use your tree house? What? Get bent.
If her father catches us, he'll kill her.
All right, Milhouse.
You can use my tree house.
Thanks, Bart.
Samantha and Milhouse sitting in a tree About to lose their privacy Now there's a Machiavellian countenance.
Ooh, a sextet of ale! Hello, Mr.
Stanky? I have shocking news about Samantha.
Who am I? Let's just say I'm concerned prude with lot of time on his hands.
I bet you had peanut butter for breakfast.
Yeah.
Samantha! Dad! Noooooo! Samantha, you're my little girl and sometimes my imagination runs away with me.
Just tell me what happened.
Milhouse and I That's enough! I'm putting you in an all-girl school.
You're never going to see that boy again.
Milhouse! Samantha! Well, 'tis better to have loved and lost yatta, yatta, yatta.
Let's go to the arcade.
How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy.
Hierospacy: Predicting the future through the study of animal entrails.
Dad! Do you know what today is? The vernal equinox? No, it's two weeks since you got that weight-loss tape.
Let's get you on the scale.
You've gained 1 3 pounds.
Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery-- A pox on them! There stands a broken man.
It's recess everywhere but in his heart.
Hey, Bart, according to this magazine in another million years man will have an extra finger.
Five fingers? Ooh-- Freak show! Lise, I need some advice and mom's not here.
What about dad? I couldn't understand what he was saying.
I feel terrible.
I ratted on my best friend and he doesn't even know.
According to Eternity magazine the feeling of guilt has been linked to gamephenomene.
Dow Chemical is developing a minty gel to eliminate excess guilt but it won't be on the market for six months so I guess you'll have to confess to Milhouse.
Bart, I'm glad you're here.
Milhouse could use a friend like you.
Milhouse? Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
Oh, come on.
You cry when they're out of chocolate milk.
You cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Well, I didn't want you to see me cry this time.
Milhouse, I got a confession to make.
I'm the one who narc'ed on your kissing.
What?! Milhouse is out bed and full beans.
Whoa, it's a miracle! I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming.
Yeah.
Marge where's that metal dealie you use to dig food? You mean, a spoon? Yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, this is good.
Are you sure you want to do this? I can't stop thinking about her.
Even these gates remind me of her braces.
How are we going to find her? She's wearing a plaid jumper.
Milhouse! Samantha! I went to Circus of Values and bought you a ten-gallon tub of gummi bears.
I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the penguin house.
That's all right, Bart.
I love Saint Sebastian's.
It's run by a group of French Canadian nuns.
They're very nice except they never let me out.
Samantha, ne pas des boys.
I have to go now, Milhouse.
I'd better not.
It's 50 rosaries a kiss.
Oh, okay.
Oh, what the heck.
Bart think I can ever find another one like her? You're asking the wrong guy, Milhouse.
They all look alike to me.
Now, let's go whip donuts at old people.
- Shh!