Wizards of Waverly Place s03e23 Episode Script

Hey, guys! How's it going? So, check it out: Mom sent more photos of possible beaches for this year's family photo.
So, wait, we're supposed to go to a place we never go and put our arms around each other like we never do, just to have a picture we can send to people we don't like, anyway? This year, there's a record number of families we don't like to send 'em to.
Alex, the annual barefoot family portrait on the beach is very important.
I recently started painting my toenails in the off chance that I could get in this year's picture? Of course you can, Harper.
You're a Russo now.
Oh, my gosh! What am I gonna wear? 'Cause this is so drab.
I need something that says Russo.
Oh! I know.
I'll wear that dress that says "Russo" all over it.
That I happened to have made before I ever knew you people.
Duh! And this is us: making an entrance! And this is us: shaking an entrance! [singing.]
* And cue the applause! Mom? Dad? Please, buddy.
We weren't finished.
Yeah, but my life is.
[up-tempo music playing.]
* My name is Marty I'm the pops of the Finkles * * And I'm Elaine I'm the tops of the Finkles * * A dash of pizzazz and a sprinkle of Finkle * * Is all that you will need * To make this whole night twinkle * * So, come one, come all * * Give a snap and a winkle * * For the smallest of all, and my favorite Finkle * [clearing throat.]
I don't want to.
Please, buddy.
Come on! * I'm Harper Finkle the dinkiest Finkle * * More smiles, sweets and cutes * * Than you could ever thinkle * * Lights, camera, Finkle! * And cue the applause * [light clapping.]
Oh, you guys are so much better than I remember.
* Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * Well, this is certainly a surprise.
You're tellin' me.
Why aren't you guys in Pittsburgh? Well, you'll be pleased to know that we're here to audition for a gig of the paid variety, no less.
That's great.
35 years on the edge of show business has finally paid off.
Paid off in spades.
And diamonds and clubs and hearts and the rest of those jokers.
We're aces, I tell ya! [giggling.]
Paid off for you too, buddy.
You're back in.
Just like the old days! Wait, stop.
I can't work a gig with you guys.
I live here now.
We're even putting her in the family photo.
[gasping.]
We finally have enough people for a human pyramid.
Come on, buddy.
The Finkles are gonna be putting butts in the seats for Black Sea Railways in Romania! * Lights, camera, Finkle! In Romania! * And cue the applause * Sorry, that's just really catchy.
Wait.
You can't just waltz back into my life Harper, can I talk to you for a minute, please? - B-R-B.
- Gesundheit.
Ah OK, how can you not want to go to Romania? Your parents are so fun.
I mean, look at their ironic clothes and hairstyles.
It's not ironic, it's tragic.
Where do they get their sense of dress? OK, well, what about how they make everything a joke? Yeah, try living with them for a few years.
He's been making fun of how old I am since I was seven.
Seven! We're really sorry to take your little lady away from you like this.
What are you talking about? Word on the street is you two lovebirds are quite a big ticket item.
Oh! Me and Harper? Uh, no, sorry.
Harper is dating Zeke.
- Zeke Beakerman.
- Zeke Beak-erman? It rhymes! [laughing.]
Must be a stage name.
The last thing we need is for our daughter to date another "Johnny Stage Door.
" Being a couple of loose cannon, undependable, showbiz-types ourselves, we were hoping our daughter would wind up with some nice, boring, accountable square like yourself.
Dad Did they just call me a boring square? Well, you are sort of a square.
- Wha? - I mean that in the best way.
- I - Like, you're not afraid to be yourself.
You know a boring square.
Everyone thinks I'm a boring square? [scoffing, laughing.]
They are not going to believe this down at the Hobby Shop.
[chuckling.]
I can hear 'em laughing now.
Finkles, I got a question for you.
Would you ever make your kids take a lame family photo - while wearing the same clothes? - It's not lame, Alex.
It's a family tradition.
The Finkles have a family tradition, too.
It's called, whoever falls asleep first gets a mustache drawn on your face.
Guilty as charged! I'm a napper.
You guys are awesome.
If Harper doesn't want to be in your act, I'll do it.
Wow.
You'll do anything to get out of realizing your brother's dream of forming a family pyramid in the sand, won't you? Pretty much.
"Alex Finkle" sure sounds swell to me.
Is this OK with you, buddy? Well, I don't wanna do it.
I'm really loving being a Russo.
Oh Hey, can I be the top of the human pyramid? Sold! Welcome to the Finkles, buddy.
Rehearsal's at one o'clock.
And this is us making an exit.
[up-tempo music playing.]
Hey, be sure to turn that thing off when we're gone.
Don't want to waste the batteries! [music clicks off.]
Well, Alex, that was I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into.
I'll be fine.
I mean You like being a Russo so much, it'll be cool for me to try and be a Finkle for awhile.
- Do you even know where Romania is? - [scoffing.]
Yes.
It's in Rome.
Duh! I know my states.
- She's right, you know.
- No, she's not.
Thank you, Mr.
and Mrs.
D in geography.
Romania is a country in Eastern Europe that's full of gymnasts and vampires.
Gymnasts and vampires? Maybe Justin can come with and find a new girlfriend.
Hey, I'm getting the Finkle rhythm down.
* And cue the applause * I don't know what to do about Alex without Theresa here.
I mean, Theresa always tells me what to do.
Well, can't you just tell Alex she can't go? You're her Dad.
[scoffing chuckle.]
Well, Dad, whatever you tell her to do, she's just gonna do the opposite.
Unless she knows what you're gonna do and then she'll do the opposite of that.
So, we gotta find something that's not opposite.
[scoffing chuckle.]
Max is right.
We'll use reverse psychology.
We'll tell her she has to go, and then she won't want to.
That could work.
Good idea, Max.
Thanks for your help.
Harper, Justin told me what your parents said.
And you don't have to worry.
I'm going to turn myself into the boring loser that your parents want me to be.
They didn't say "boring loser.
" No, but they were thinking it.
Or at least I was.
Why does everyone think that I'm a boring loser? I am just as engaging and entertaining as Zeke.
Whoa, bro, not so fast.
Are you the captain of three different clogging teams? I don't think so! Oh, no! I didn't think about how cool my clogging comes across.
[groaning.]
He is interesting! Zeke, wait.
Let's talk about this.
No, no.
If your parents want me to change, then I'm gonna change.
Starting today, I'm gonna somehow suppress my urge to do a Double Stomp, followed by the Mountain Goat.
[whimpering.]
All right.
Later, Russos.
This Finkle's gotta get to rehearsal.
Alex I just wanted you to know that we all want you to go to Romania with the Finkles.
OK.
Love you.
Bye.
Dad, that wasn't opposite enough.
You should have said something like: "We want you to go to Finkles with Romania.
" [scoffing chuckle.]
Hey, guys, I thought of something I can do in the act.
Watch this.
[simple drumroll plays.]
Pretty good, huh? I think it's gonna pull the whole show together.
[drumroll plays.]
[together.]
Hacky.
And you're late for rehearsal, buddy.
Only a couple of minutes.
Show biz minutes are a million times more precious than regular people minutes.
Sorry.
I didn't know.
You guys are a lot more serious than I thought.
You wanna be part of this outfit, you gotta fly on the straight and narrow.
You wanna be part of this outfit, don't you? A couple of regular people minutes ago I did.
Well, you better decide, 'cause this crazy show biz shebang is a whole lot of blood and sweat.
But, if you do it right, you get the laughs, you get the fame and the moola! Well, fame and moola sounds good.
Actually, "moola" sounds gross.
Sounds something like a French cow would say.
"Moo-la-la.
" Yeah? Yeah? Nothing? Really? You got moxie, buddy.
In fact, that's your new name Moxie Finkle! Try it on for size.
Walk it around a bit.
"Moxie?" Sounds like a dog's name.
What's next? Do I get my own squeaky toy? Too much lip.
That's it.
She's out! Aw, come on, Marty.
Give the rookie a break.
Nope.
I'm done with her.
Sorry, I tried.
Hit the road.
And if you hurry, you might make that little family photo shoot.
Smile big, sad clown.
Looks like we've gotta replace her.
Hey, buddy, how about telling Harper - to hightail it over here.
- Harper? She's kind of happy not doing this.
Harper doesn't care about being happy.
Harper cares about making other people happy.
She's a Finkle! All right I'll be Moxie Finkle.
Well, as long as we know who's calling the shots now, let's get back to business.
We only got this place booked for nine more hours.
- What? Nine hours? - Yeah.
It's gonna take you at least six hours to learn how to play the ukulele.
And two more to do it while you're juggling.
That only leaves one hour to learn all your lines.
Homework? I thought this was gonna be fun.
OK.
Alex is on her way home.
If we don't come up with a new plan quick, she's gonna be ending every sentence for the rest of her life with: * And cue the applause! * Theresa won't like me even more if her family picture is ruined because one of her family members is living on a train in Romania.
And not the family member she'd be OK with.
I'm telling Justin.
OK, what would Theresa do in this situation? Well Mom and Alex usually have these heart-to-heart girl-talk kind of things by themselves.
Out on the terrace.
That's where they do it.
You're right again, Max.
And since you're so good at filling in for Mom, why don't you do that? Why not Harper? She's a girl.
Oh Harper's been completely useless in this situation.
I'd be upset, but you saying that to my face like that? It makes me feel like I'm part of this family.
[door opening.]
[groaning.]
I'm exhausted.
All right, here she is.
Go girl-talk it up.
Alex? Can I talk to you out on the terrace, please? Well, that's weird, so yeah.
Come on.
You and Mom usually stand over here and look out over the city.
So listen, mija, when we were saying you should go to Romania before, we were really saying you shouldn't go.
Max, I know.
Reverse psychology.
I got it.
Right.
So, now I'm saying you shouldn't go.
I'm not.
I already decided how I'm getting of it.
- So, you're not going? - No.
Oh, I got you.
[chuckling.]
So you're using reverse psychology on me.
No, I'm really not going.
The more you say you're not going, the more I know you actually are going.
Good talk, Max.
But wait, Alex, we were supposed to hug now.
My little girl is growing up so fast.
What happened? What happened? She went upstairs and didn't tell us what she's doing.
Well, she's going.
She's definitely going.
- She didn't even hug me.
- Oh, no.
What are we gonna do now? Well, I've lived with you Russos for some time now and it seems like most of your problems are solved right after chaos.
So, maybe that's what we should do.
We need chaos.
[together.]
Right.
Chaos could blow the audition for Alex.
See, she's not that useless.
Aw, thanks for the compliment.
I can hear you when you when you do the that, yeah.
Did Alex get into Mommy's makeup again? OK, good, so it's working.
I'm off to go blow my audition.
It's go time or no time! Why would you sabotage the audition? Because I don't want to go to Romania anymore.
Oh, so you'd rather be a Russo than a Finkle? I know.
Weird, right? Turns out the Finkles really stink-le.
[chuckles.]
All right, well, now it's a toss up.
The truth is, if I don't go, Harper has to go.
And I don't want her to leave.
So, the only solution is to ruin it so nobody can go.
Well, if there is one thing you're really good at, it's ruining things.
Aw, thank you.
* And the smallest of all and my favorite Finkle * [not singing.]
I'm Alex Finkle.
[both whispering.]
Moxie Finkle.
I'm Moxie Finkle the smallest of all, and my favorite Finkle.
[muttering.]
I just said that part.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I messing this up in front of the Romanian producers? Gymnast and vampire, figures.
Why don't we just quit while we're ahead? Well, looks like somebody fried their old brain watching too much of the old boob tube.
[laughing.]
That's not all she fried.
Get a load of that crazy 'do.
Who does your hair and make-up, Moxie, a near-sighted orangutan? [laughing.]
This is the perfect comedy for our train! The people will love it.
[chuckling.]
What? No, no, no! I've gotta get out of here before they put me on a train.
- What are you doing? - Proving to the Finkles that I am not a boring square.
I am exciting! I'm gonna use the "Ham It Up" spell.
Tell some jokes all old and clammy.
Then make me act all bold and hammy.
[swallowing.]
[piano music playing.]
[humming.]
Ha! Hello there, Finkles.
Mind if I "choo" up a little scenery? [together.]
Justin? A-choo, a-choo, a-choo, and a-choo! [chuckling.]
Would you guys get a load of these two? I mean seriously, their act stinks so bad, onions cry when they watch it.
- Am I right, Romanians? - [laughing.]
Aw, Justin! What is this? Boy, was I wrong about you.
Yeah, quit stealing our thunder.
You're gonna ruin our audition.
Oh, really? Then, let's ruin it some more.
[swallowing.]
A one, a two, a one, two, three! [piano music playing.]
Hey, everybody, I haven't seen an act this bad since my brother starred in Vida Romania.
[laughing.]
Oh, Moxie, not you, too? All right, time to create chaos.
I'll throw the first tomato.
Shh.
Wait.
Listen.
Do you smell that? I smell ham.
[sniffing.]
Spiral cut, hind quarter.
Probably on sale.
This way.
- Hey, brother o' mine? - What's up, sissy-poo? I'll tell you what's down.
Stocks on those two knuckleheads right here.
- Sell, sell, sell! - [laughing.]
- * Bo-bo-bo-bo - * Ba-ba-ba-ba [all singing randomly.]
[panting.]
Say, Doc, what's wrong with me? - You got two weeks to live! - Oh, no.
I want a second opinion.
All right.
You're ugly, too.
[all laughing.]
Ow, ow! Stop! Stop this perfect train comedy! We've made a decision.
You won a job with the Black Sea Railways! Well, this is some kind of rigmarole.
Yeah.
These two goofballs just high-jacked our set.
Oh, not to worry, Finkles.
We have another gig available in Youngstown, Ohio! - We'll be in touch.
- [gasping.]
Did you hear that? - Nobody's better than us.
- How do you like that? Ah.
That took a lot less chaos as I thought it would.
I'm sorry, Finkles.
I'm dating your daughter.
I'm not dating you.
So, tonight, I'm expressing my love for Harper through the time-honored art of the clog! I hope it's OK that I'm not going to Youngstown with you.
It sure is, buddy.
We were wrong to make you do that before.
We can see now that you got a real sweet deal with these Russo characters.
I sure do.
And we got a sweet deal, too.
See ya, buddy.
And this is us making an exit.
[up-tempo music plays.]
Ah, show business! [music clicking off.]
That was weird.
[drumroll plays.]
- [drumroll repeats.]
- [giggling.]