All In The Family s03e24 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days [BELL DINGS.]
What was that, Ma? My timer.
Uh, doesn't that mean you have to do something? No, it's my reminder timer.
It reminds me that in five minutes I gotta turn off the oven.
Why didn't you set the timer for five minutes later? Oh, no, I might be in the middle of something like if I was on the telephone, I'd have to hang up right away, and that wouldn't be polite.
But what if somebody calls you five minutes from now? I never thought of that.
Maybe I better set it [DOOR OPENS.]
Hidey-ho, everybody! Hello, Archie.
How was your day? Oh, Edith, my day was great.
Oh, did something good happen? No, Edith, I mean, nothing good happened.
I mean, this is New York.
If nothing bad happens, it's a great day, right? Like I got on the subway this morning, and it went.
Then the second miracle of the day was when the oil from your tuna fish sandwich didn't leak through onto my Twinkies.
Then to top off the whole day, I won a buck bet from Stretch Cunningham.
How did you do that? Wait till you hear.
We was all sitting around at lunchtime talking, see, and I says to Stretch, "Hey, I was watching a bowling tournament.
I see a guy, he bowled 301.
" Stretch says, "That can't be.
" I says, "Oh, no? You wanna bet? Put your money where your mouth is.
" So the dumb sucker bets me a buck.
He hollers, "Hey, Arch, you lost.
"In bowling, How could a guy bowl 301?" I says, "Did you ever see a guy bowl 300 and lose?" You get it, huh? Oh, yeah.
He lost because somebody else bowled 301.
No, no, no, Edith, y-y-you-- you can only bowl 300, see? Then you didn't tell Stretch the truth, because you said the man bowled 301.
No, I didn't mean "one" one.
I meant him, the guy, won.
Then why didn't you explain that to Stretch? Because then he wouldn't have bet with me, Edith.
You see, in bowling, you got 10 frames there.
See, I mean, you're supposed to get a certain Each frame you get a I mean, if you get 30 from each frame Ah, forget it! You don't understand bowling.
No, Arch, what she doesn't understand is larceny.
Was I talking to you? Edith, what's for supper? Oh, something special.
It's Gloria's birthday.
It's Gloria's birthday again? That's right, Arch.
They come once a year, regular.
I still ain't talking to you.
Just think, Archie, our little girl is 23 years old.
It just seems like yesterday when I was changing her diaper.
Do you remember how you used to play peek-a-boo with Gloria? Oh, oh, forget that, huh? Oh, Mike, Gloria just loved that game.
She used to make Archie play it with her all the time.
Do we have to get into this? Archie used to crawl around on his hands and knees, and then he'd come up from under the crib and say,"Peek-a-boo, I see you.
" [LAUGHING.]
And Gloria would laugh and laugh.
Wasn't you on your way to the kitchen? Oh! Oh, don't tell Gloria anything about her birthday.
I wanna surprise her.
I'm gonna put the candles on the cake.
"Peek-a-boo, I see you"? Somehow I just can't picture you doing that.
Well, try picturing this [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, Gloria.
How are you? Hmm.
You look a little down.
You have a rough day today? No, but I got a rotten headache.
It's that time of the month again.
Oh, hey, hey, hey there, little girl, huh? Try talking delicate in front of your father.
Oh, hi, Gloria.
Hi, Ma.
Mike, would you clear your books off the table? Sure, Ma.
Gloria, maybe you ought to lie down for a while.
No, I'll just sit here.
What's the matter? Nothing serious, Ma.
Just that time of the month.
Hey, do I have to hear about this? Oh, Daddy, it's a normal human function.
I don't like to hear about normal human functions.
Gloria, maybe your father would rather hear, "It's Mother Nature come to call.
" All right, if you got to talk about it, that would be a little nicer, more ladylike, yeah.
Well, why do I have to be ladylike? I mean, what's there to be ashamed of? Would you believe there's a girl who works with me who says, "I just got a visit from my friend"? All right, that's kind of nice too.
Oh, remember Mrs.
Carmody, the one who had 11 children? She used to call it "the blessing.
" Now, that is enough of this! I don't wanna hear nothing more about women's problems.
You don't hear men complaining about their problems, do you? That's because men don't have any problems compared to women.
And that's God's will, so forget it.
You mean God's mistake.
Hey, hey.
Hey, God don't make no mistakes.
That's how he got to be God.
Don't be blaming nothing on God that youse women brung on yourselves.
What? Yes, that's right! You don't believe me, read your Bible.
Read your story of Adam and Eve there.
I mean, Adam and Eve, they had it pretty soft out in paradise.
They had no problems.
They didn't even know they was naked.
But Eve, she wasn't satisfied with that, see? And then one day, against direct orders, she made poor Adam eat that apple.
God got sore.
He told them, "Get your clothes on and get the hell out of here.
" That's why that Eve was cursed, and that's why they call it what do you call it? "The curse.
" Well, there you have it, Gloria, direct from the Reverend Archie Bunker: The true story of menstruation.
Shush with that kind of a word! Oh, Daddy, there's nothing wrong with that word.
You know something? It's your kind of male chauvinist thinking that's made women feel guilty for thousands of years.
What are you talking about? I'm the kind of a guy that always looked up to women.
I always put them up there on a puh-destal.
Well, we don't want to be up on a "puh-destal.
" We want to be treated like equals.
You can't be treated like equals because you ain't.
You're the weaker sex, and we got to protect you and learn youse things.
He just proved everything Germaine Greer said.
I don't even know the guy.
Who is he? Arch, Germaine Greer is a woman, and she wrote a book on women's rights.
It's called The Female Eunuch.
Ah, there ain't no such thing as that.
Oh, yes, there is.
That's what men have made of women.
There can't be no such thing as a female eunuch, because the what you got to lose to be that, you ain't got that in the first place.
Arch, Germaine Greer was just using the term figuratively.
She meant that women have been mentally castrated.
Shush! What are you shushing me for now? He's upset because you used the word "castrated.
" If you know the word upsets me, why are you using it again? Oh, Daddy, anything about sex upsets you because you're narrow-minded and puritanical! Hey, watch that! And what's more, you're just plain stupid! Do you hear the way you are talking to your father? Gloria, can I see you in the kitchen? All right, Ma, but I meant every single word I said.
Oh, no, she didn't.
Yes, I did.
Why don't you two sit down [WHISPERS.]
and get ready for the cake.
Gloria, I don't think you should talk to your father that way.
I know you ain't feeling good, but he's your father.
Yeah, but that doesn't make him right and when he's wrong, I'm going to tell him so.
But you didn't tell him he was wrong, you told him he was stupid.
Well, he was.
Oh, Gloria, you ought to have more respect for your father.
Ma, didn't you hear the things he was saying about women out there? And that includes me and you too, Ma! But that ain't no way to argue.
I get mad at your father lots of times, but I don't call him stupid.
I know.
You don't do anything.
Oh, yes, I do.
What? I come into the kitchen and I make myself a cup of tea.
Well, what good does that do? Well, I go back in, and Archie forgot what we was arguing about, so I won, only he don't know it.
Ma, you're just giving in to him.
Not really.
Yes, you are! Daddy always gets his way! Not always.
Oh, Ma, you let him walk all over you.
He's turned you into a doormat! [GASPS.]
A doormat? Right or wrong, whatever Daddy says, goes.
Your whole life revolves around Daddy.
That ain't true! Ma, you ain't got a life of your own.
Gloria, I do Ma, marriage is supposed to be a partnership.
Well, you're not a half, not even a quarter.
You're a nothing, a zero! Gloria! And even if you stood up to him still nothing! What's going on out there? Where's dinner? Is that all you ever think about, dinner? When I'm sitting at the dinner table, yeah, I think about dinner! Now, go ask your mother where it is.
No, I'm not going in there again.
Gloria, are you all right? Yes.
Well, I heard a joke today.
Would anybody else care to hear it? Uh, yeah, yeah.
I'd like to hear it.
I love a good joke.
All right, this here Scotchman, he invites a pal of his to dinner.
He says, "When you come to the house, "ring the bell with your elbow and I'll answer the door for you.
" The guy says, "Why I got to ring the bell with my elbow?" The Scotchman says, "You ain't coming empty-handed, are you?" [LAUGHS.]
[FORCES LAUGHTER.]
Ha ha.
Nothing from you, huh? The meathead laughed.
I don't think he even got it.
Hey, oh! Look what's coming here! Oh, happy birthday! Surprise! Here we are, here we are.
[SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".]
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Gloria Happy birthday to you Oh, Ma I don't want to talk to you no more! [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS MUSICALLY.]
[SIGHS DRAMATICALLY.]
Hey, Edith Not now, Archie.
I ain't in the mood.
For what? For nothing.
Go back to sleep.
How can I sleep with all the noise you're making here? You're heaving enough sighs to blow up an inner tube.
I'm sorry, Archie, but I just can't sleep.
Well, why don't you get it off your chest? What happened between you and Gloria? I can't talk about it, Archie.
Well, don't you want me to help you with the problem? Oh, yeah.
[GENTLY.]
Well, then just tell me what the problem is.
[RUDELY.]
I'll tell you "Forget it," and we'll both go to sleep! No, I can't, Archie, but I'll try not to bother you no more.
Please, huh? Jeez.
[GROANS.]
[GASPS.]
What?! Archie, do you think I'm a nothing? What kind of a question is that to ask me at 2:30 in the morning? Oh, I'm sorry.
"Nothing" just came into my mind.
It must have felt right at home there.
I don't understand you.
Why can't you tell me? I mean, isn't that what a husband's for, to talk things over with? A husband's also for shutting up when his wife doesn't feel like talking.
I'm gonna ignore that last remark, because I know you only said it because you're not feeling well and you really didn't mean it.
Oh, shut up, Michael.
Now, that one you meant.
That "shut up" I didn't like at all, Gloria, and we're gonna get to the bottom of this.
We're not going to sleep.
You tell me why you got into a fight with your mother! Because I love her.
What? I felt I had to tell her the truth about herself.
Oh, and because of that, now she's not speaking to you? [MOCKING MICHAEL.]
Yes.
Oh, come on, Gloria.
What are you trying to tell me? I know your mother.
I've been living with her for over two years.
She's a marvelous woman.
Are you saying I'm not? No, no, I'm not saying that, but, uh [MOCKING MICHAEL.]
"But, uh" what? But, uh "But, uh" what? What? What? But what? But you're not like your mother.
Well, thank God for that.
You're like your father.
What? Gloria, you have a very, very quick temper.
Sometimes you're given to some very nasty remarks.
Okay, Michael, so you don't like the way I talk.
What else don't you like about me? Nothing, nothing.
Some of your nasty remarks are very cute.
Oh, ho Okay I got a nasty temper.
What else is wrong with me? Gloria, this is no time to stand here and make a list of all your faults.
Oh! I got so many faults you can't list them, huh? I must be a real mess.
Is that what you're saying, Michael? Is that what you're saying [BELLOWING.]
Will you calm down? You'll wake up the whole house! Archie, I don't think you should listen like that.
This is the best way.
You can hear better through a glass.
I mean, what they're saying is private.
Oh, well, if it stays on their side, it's all right, but anything that leaks through my wall into my room, I can listen to.
I was right.
I was right.
When you talk like that, you're just as boneheaded as your father! Hey! I heard that! Hey, you stop listening in there! What was that? I said, "stop listening!" [SCREAMS.]
Archie, does it hurt? Certainly it hurts! Serves you right for listening.
You can stop listening now.
The fight is over.
The fight might be over between you and him, but not between him and me.
How dares he call me a bonehead? And how did you hear that? Did you have your hot little ear pressed against the wall? No! He listened with this glass.
Give me that.
Well, I have one final thing to say to you.
Get away from me.
[YELLING.]
Good night! Ah! Excuse me.
You! You! What? What? [SCREAMS.]
He made more sense when he was coming through the glass.
All right, Gloria, get off the couch and come back upstairs.
Let's go.
Leave me alone.
Gloria, I'm in no mood for games.
I'm your husband.
Get off the couch and come back upstairs.
Get lost.
All right.
All right.
I can see you're acting like a child.
That's right, you're acting like a child.
I'm not acting like a child! I'm going to have to treat you like one.
You're coming back upstairs.
Let's go! Oh, Archie, look, it's all right.
They made up.
You hit me! Oh, Michael You hit me across the face.
Oh, I didn't mean You hit me! You hit me! Did you see that? Yeah, it was worth getting up for.
Stop it, Daddy.
Michael, are you all right? No, no, I'm not all right! I'm not all right! A person who gets hit across the face is never all right! You hit me! Stop saying that! What do you want me to say, Gloria? "Thank you very much," and then turn the other cheek? Yeah, go ahead.
I'd love to see a replay.
Will you stay out of this! Mike, would you like me to get you a cold towel for your face? [LAUGHING.]
You see that? There's the difference between you and your mother, Gloria.
You hit me, and she worries about me.
Oh, Michael, stop being such a crybaby.
I didn't hit you that hard.
That's not the point, Gloria.
That's not the point at all! Ma, let me ask you a question.
Did you ever hit Archie? Oh, no! Oh, you're damn right she didn't.
Yeah, you see that? She never hit your father.
And if anyone ever deserved to be hit Hey, hey, hey, hey! I felt like hitting him once when you lost your whole paycheck in that poker game.
Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, but you didn't.
Oh, I couldn't hit you while you was crying.
Aw! I don't remember that! That's because you was drunk.
Aw! Lay off, will you? Them things are supposed to be private.
That's a strange word coming from a man who just had a glass in his ear.
Come on, let's get this over with, huh? Why don't you two make up? Ask him.
Well, you're willing to make up? Fine, I forgive you! Oh, thank you, Michael.
I'm sleeping on the couch.
What is the matter with you now? I said I forgive you! You forgive me? You pick me up like a child and drag me upstairs against my will, and you forgive me? Gloria, if you understood one iota about the psychology of the male ego Don't you talk down to me! I'm not talking down to you, you're just being stupid! Oh, now I'm being stupid, huh? But I'm smart enough to bring home the paycheck.
Oh! Oh, that's a great shot! She got him there! Oh! Oh! There it is.
There it is! Now it's out in the open, isn't it? That's what's really bugging you, isn't it? You want to be the man of the family.
You want to be the man? All right, let's go all the way.
Take my pants! Leave them pants on! Well, I didn't say that.
I didn't say anything like that.
Here come the pants! [EDITH SQUEALS.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Michael, what are you so uptight about? Are you afraid you lost your pants already? If they're lost, I didn't lose them.
You took 'em! And what kind of a man lets his pants be taken away from him? Oh, are you saying what I think you're trying to say? I'm trying to find out exactly what you're trying to say! I'm saying take my pants! I don't want 'em! I say stop it! You two sit over there.
Go on.
Sit down and listen to your mother.
And you listen too.
[GRUMBLING.]
All right.
Well, hurry up, will you? I'm tired.
Now When I was a little girl, my mother and father got into a terrible fight that started just because there wasn't enough maple syrup for my father's pancakes.
Ma, what we're arguing about here is a little bit more important than maple syrup.
Just a minute.
I ain't finished.
They didn't talk to each other for three whole weeks, and even after they made up, things was never the same between them.
So before you two start saying things to each other that you'll never take back, stop and think how much you really mean to each other.
Now, I know maple syrup is just a little thing, but would you rather break up over something bigger? Gloria Michael I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Wanna go upstairs? Yeah.
Ma I'm sorry I called you a nothing.
You're really something.
Oh thanks, Gloria.
Happy birthday.
Oh Thank you, Ma.
Good night.
Archie, did you hear that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you think I'm something? You, Edith, are something else.
[GIGGLES.]
Archie, it's 3:00 in the morning.
We better get to bed.
You ain't kidding.
Hey, hold it there.
Edith, hold it.
Yeah? You know, uh, that was very nice, that little story you told the kids about your mother and father, syrup and all, you know.
Made them think.
I'm glad it helped.
Yeah.
Made me think too.
That's nice.
Made me think about pancakes and syrup.
Get me some.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.