Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s03e24 Episode Script
Club Medicine
This film is not considered the French new wave.
It's kind of post-new wave seasoned with a dash of Neo-romanticism.
What do you mean? Well, I mean there's multiple nudity in the first 20 minutes.
But it's done very artfully.
I hope it's better than the last foreign film you dragged us to.
I admit I blew it, but Hungarians were never known for joie de vivre.
At least we learned the gypsy cushion dance.
One, please.
I need to see I.
D.
What for? No one under 17 admitted.
It's all right.
I'm 18.
Humor me.
I want to see the manager.
I am the manager.
Mr.
powerful.
Vin, it's o.
K.
Show him your I.
D.
Read it and weep.
O.
K.
One adult for you, sir? You don't card him? Like he's got graying temples.
Vincent, calm down.
Calm down? This is discrimination against the vertically challenged.
We know you're an adult.
Do you have to go to the bathroom? Poor, Vinnie.
Two, please.
One adult, one senior citizen? Excuse me? Senior-citizen discount Well, I happen to be Right.
Senior citizen You just sneaked in under the wire or over the w Um, $12.
Well, that's an unexpected bonus, isn't it, dear? I'll pay full price.
But you save 2 bucks.
I said I'll pay full price.
O.
K.
David, don't be depressed.
I'm not depressed.
Katherine, I'm not depressed! Age isn't about decay.
It's more like a ripening.
You know what they say The older the fiddle, the sweeter the tune.
Now I'm depressed.
Then she takes him back to her hotel room where they have mad, passionate Conversation.
Then she slips something in his drink, right? When he wakes up, he's tied to the chair and there's a small incision in his side, and his left kidney's been stolen.
That is totally ridiculous.
No.
It happened.
There's a huge black market for primo organs.
It's medically impossible, vin.
It's an urban legend like the maggots in the beehive hairdo.
Hey, I know the girl that happened to.
Actually she's a friend of my cousin's maid of honor.
It's that time of year again.
The wilderness calls us.
The annual "men bonding in the wilderness" fishing trip.
Formerly the annual "father-son" fishing trip.
It's time we faced a more rigorous challenge.
Remember last year, doctor h.
, when I practically hauled you up devil's peak? Take a look at that.
"Experience the ultimate adventure vacation.
"Join ex-marine sergeant ironmike mescobi "on a two-week survival expedition to the Alaskan wilderness.
" There's seal tagging.
There's genuine dog-sled mushing across 200 miles of frozen tundra.
You even get to assemble your own igloo.
Are eskimos included? Um, dad, what's wrong with fishing? Oh, that's for old men and young boys.
We'll have to be careful of frostbite.
Fingers have been known to just snap off by a mere handshake.
Sounds like you two ought to be shopping for winter woollies.
Have fun.
Say hello to big foot for me.
Talk about your fun vacations.
Howser, you are one lucky guy.
So, are you excited? I guess.
I i have always wanted to see Alaska.
There's the pioneer spirit.
Of course, I've always wanted to see the Caribbean, too.
"Run the mighty Yukon river in sealskin kayaks.
" You know my credo, Katherine Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all.
These people come from villages all over Honduras, some walking 40, 50 miles through the jungle to get to the hospital.
It's your usual garden-variety of ailments Burns, broken bones, crocodile bites.
What, you don't see any crocodile bites in west L.
A.
? These people need our help.
The bad news is they need it for free, but there's nowhere to get your beemer detailed in Honduras, anyway.
Here we are in a 60-year-old operating room.
The caseload means there are two tables working simultaneously.
Cross infection It's a very overstated risk.
Doctors who volunteer for global med typically perform Afterward, we're all raring to sample the night life.
After all this hard work, what's the thanks you get? Can we have the lights on? So, there it is, folks Your chance to make a dent in a huge problem, to take part in tough, challenging operations that some of you young residents have only read about, a chance to practice medicine the way it was done before the high technology.
In a sense, it is a way to renew your vows.
Oh, one more thing There are no malpractice laws in Honduras, so we welcome even the most incompetent among you.
The ama's very keen to give you this award.
If you could stay Awards it's not me.
Might give me an ego, and I'm already so damn perfect.
Excuse me, Dr.
morse.
Buenos dias.
Disfrute mucho de su presentacion.
What? That's Spanish for I really enjoyed your presentation.
Oh.
Are you Spanish? No.
Um, I just speak Spanish fluently.
I really think you're doing a wonderful job.
I can't think of a more worthy cause.
I want to be part of it.
I want to renew my vows.
You're a doctor? Yes.
Dr.
howser graduated top of his class from medical school at 14.
Cool.
Huan ying ni dao women dui lai, Dr.
howser.
That's Chinese for Welcome to the team.
It's called San Carlos.
It's a farming village 60 miles from the Nicaraguan border.
The population's 1,200 not counting mosquitoes.
Snake-bite kit? That's just a precaution, mom.
"Contains bite book, suction cups, razors, and extractor pump.
" Sounds like a fun date.
Sure this is safe? Well, I'll be surrounded by doctors.
Guess this saves you from the sled dogs.
You're jumping out of the igloo into the frying pan.
Dad, I'm really sorry about our fishing trip.
I really want to do this.
We can always go to Alaska next year.
You understand it's important.
I'm proud of you.
It's an exciting opportunity.
Sounds like something you'd have jumped at in your day.
In my day? Well, you know, when you were younger and brimming with idealism and vim.
I still have vim.
I'm full of vim.
I could show those young hotshots a few things about working in primitive conditions.
I did my stint in Vietnam.
Dad, if you're serious, we could use you.
Nah.
It's probably too late.
Doogie, is it too late? We need the help.
Well, I mean, it is a challenge.
I'd have to rearrange my schedule.
Oh, but you know how your mother worries.
Don't worry about me.
Vinnie will help fill those lonely hours.
Right, Vinnie? You know what I always say, son Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all.
Gracias.
Gracias.
Gracias.
Vaya todo bien! Adios.
I thought that trip would never end.
That bus smelled something between a subway and a petting zoo.
I gave my seat up to a goat, although she was pregnant.
I wonder where everyone is.
They're probably in surgery.
There's no loafing around here.
This is serious business.
Oh, hey, are you the new doctors? Keith says if you want to freshen up, he'll see you in a while.
I'm so excited.
I can't wait to get to work.
Well, first things first.
You ready? Hit me.
Yeah! What a bun! Hey, why so modest, guys? Welcome to San Carlos, gentlemen.
Everybody, these are the doctors howser.
You may indeed see a family resemblance.
I'd shake your hands, but I make a rule never to shake hands with a naked man.
I suppose we passed the initiation ceremony.
With flying colors.
Ha ha ha! Well, clinic's not for another couple of hours, so you're welcome to join us for mint tea cocktails on the veranda.
That's the shady area behind the latrine.
Thank you.
We're delighted.
Welcome! Well, Toto, I get the feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
Uh, ¿quien sigue? Mami, tengo calor.
Digame lo que quiere.
No se preocupe.
Esta en buenos manos.
Podemos ayudarle.
Va a necesitar cirugia.
Por favor, registrase con la enfermera alla.
Su chica.
That is the third case of impetigo.
These people just don't understand public health.
Nor immunization nor hydrocele nor encephalitis.
I mean, it's endless.
How will we treat them all? Just take one case at a time.
No one's expecting miracles.
Hola.
¿Como se llama? Se llama Rosa.
Se quemo con una lampara de kerosena.
Hola, Rosa.
No se preocupe.
Podemos ayudarle.
O, gracias.
Gracias a usted, doctor.
How's it going, doctor? Drumming up any business? Nasty burn case here.
Perfect skin-graft candidate.
Mm-hmm.
Tell her to come back next month.
What? We don't have time.
I know this will eat up doctor hours, but it's a disfiguring injury.
You want to perform this surgery? O.
K.
, then tell the next eight people in line to go on home.
It's tough, but you've got to pick and choose.
This child's in no pain.
There's no functional impairment.
Next month, if there's time.
Come on.
Lo siento, señora, pero no los pedemos atender hoy.
Por favor, usted regresa El mes que viene.
Lo siento mucho.
Sponge stick.
Here you are, doctor.
Human anatomy for $500.
A wormlike organ once believed to aid digestion.
Occasionally redundant, swollen, and gangrenous.
The appendix.
It's the appendix.
Anybody? What is the appendix? Good, David.
Remember to phrase those answers in the form of a question.
We'll be back in a minute for final jeopardy.
The category is bing! The colon.
How's it going over there, doogster? I've exposed the hernia sac and reduced the bowel out of it.
You might want to put him to sleep now.
Sponge.
What the hell's going on? Please, David, I'm married.
There will be a blink.
Then the emergency generator goes on.
Unless that was the emergency generator, in which case we all stop what we're doing and start slow dancing.
There you go.
That's a relief.
I don't have the energy for a waltz.
Do you, David? Can you give me more exposure? A little more.
Sorry.
Take a break.
I'm fine.
You've been on your feet nine hours.
You don't have to be a hero.
That's my job.
You're just jet lagged.
It's no big deal.
Well, maybe I will take a moment.
Suzanne, can you take over here? Sure.
Ah, thank you.
Whew.
What do you say, folks? It's been a long day.
Why don't we all take a seventh-inning stretch? Take me out to the ball game Take me out to the crowd Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks For god's sake, be quiet! Where's your respect for these people? This humor's out of place.
Sorry.
Here you are.
The purse-string suture, doctor? Shh! Dr.
howser's on edge.
If it's an absolute emergency, you can pass me a note.
I'm done here.
Will you close up? Sure.
Saline irrigation, please.
That is it! I cannot work with that man.
Who? Who? Groucho Marx.
The clown prince of surgery.
He's he's turned that operating room into a circus.
Why am I talking to you? You were pitching in with them.
Some people find clowning around an effective way of handling stress.
Well, I find it unprofessional.
Of course, they're still in there performing surgery, and you've burned out in a bright flame of indignation.
I let them get to me.
My mistake.
I should be above that.
Why should you be above that? Oh, because you're a dedicated physician, and they're not? You're saying I'm being too hard on them.
No.
There's someone else you're being too hard on.
Your whole career, you've been a kid in an adult world, and you've worked very hard to overcome that, but now circumstances have changed.
You don't have to prove you're an adult anymore, son.
You are one.
In other words, lighten up.
Well, at least accept that being an adult means giving yourself permission to behave in a childlike way sometimes.
Your abilities are going to take you into some very pressure-filled places, and a guy like morse could teach you a few things about handling that kind of pressure.
Believe me, you will have a much longer and happier career.
I would give a lot of my genius for a little bit of your wisdom.
Sorry, kid.
The only way to get wise is to live a long, long, long time.
Thanks, dad.
Thank you, son.
My dearest Katherine, your old fiddle has new strings and is playing more sweetly than ever.
Ow.
I need a towel, please.
Here you go.
The prodigal surgeon returns.
Somebody want to get the fatted calf or the fatted chicken? What's next? Palate repair.
Well, she's in good hands then.
Nurse, can we log that? At precisely 9:02 P.
M.
, Dr.
howser made a completely spontaneous and humorous gesture.
It's kind of post-new wave seasoned with a dash of Neo-romanticism.
What do you mean? Well, I mean there's multiple nudity in the first 20 minutes.
But it's done very artfully.
I hope it's better than the last foreign film you dragged us to.
I admit I blew it, but Hungarians were never known for joie de vivre.
At least we learned the gypsy cushion dance.
One, please.
I need to see I.
D.
What for? No one under 17 admitted.
It's all right.
I'm 18.
Humor me.
I want to see the manager.
I am the manager.
Mr.
powerful.
Vin, it's o.
K.
Show him your I.
D.
Read it and weep.
O.
K.
One adult for you, sir? You don't card him? Like he's got graying temples.
Vincent, calm down.
Calm down? This is discrimination against the vertically challenged.
We know you're an adult.
Do you have to go to the bathroom? Poor, Vinnie.
Two, please.
One adult, one senior citizen? Excuse me? Senior-citizen discount Well, I happen to be Right.
Senior citizen You just sneaked in under the wire or over the w Um, $12.
Well, that's an unexpected bonus, isn't it, dear? I'll pay full price.
But you save 2 bucks.
I said I'll pay full price.
O.
K.
David, don't be depressed.
I'm not depressed.
Katherine, I'm not depressed! Age isn't about decay.
It's more like a ripening.
You know what they say The older the fiddle, the sweeter the tune.
Now I'm depressed.
Then she takes him back to her hotel room where they have mad, passionate Conversation.
Then she slips something in his drink, right? When he wakes up, he's tied to the chair and there's a small incision in his side, and his left kidney's been stolen.
That is totally ridiculous.
No.
It happened.
There's a huge black market for primo organs.
It's medically impossible, vin.
It's an urban legend like the maggots in the beehive hairdo.
Hey, I know the girl that happened to.
Actually she's a friend of my cousin's maid of honor.
It's that time of year again.
The wilderness calls us.
The annual "men bonding in the wilderness" fishing trip.
Formerly the annual "father-son" fishing trip.
It's time we faced a more rigorous challenge.
Remember last year, doctor h.
, when I practically hauled you up devil's peak? Take a look at that.
"Experience the ultimate adventure vacation.
"Join ex-marine sergeant ironmike mescobi "on a two-week survival expedition to the Alaskan wilderness.
" There's seal tagging.
There's genuine dog-sled mushing across 200 miles of frozen tundra.
You even get to assemble your own igloo.
Are eskimos included? Um, dad, what's wrong with fishing? Oh, that's for old men and young boys.
We'll have to be careful of frostbite.
Fingers have been known to just snap off by a mere handshake.
Sounds like you two ought to be shopping for winter woollies.
Have fun.
Say hello to big foot for me.
Talk about your fun vacations.
Howser, you are one lucky guy.
So, are you excited? I guess.
I i have always wanted to see Alaska.
There's the pioneer spirit.
Of course, I've always wanted to see the Caribbean, too.
"Run the mighty Yukon river in sealskin kayaks.
" You know my credo, Katherine Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all.
These people come from villages all over Honduras, some walking 40, 50 miles through the jungle to get to the hospital.
It's your usual garden-variety of ailments Burns, broken bones, crocodile bites.
What, you don't see any crocodile bites in west L.
A.
? These people need our help.
The bad news is they need it for free, but there's nowhere to get your beemer detailed in Honduras, anyway.
Here we are in a 60-year-old operating room.
The caseload means there are two tables working simultaneously.
Cross infection It's a very overstated risk.
Doctors who volunteer for global med typically perform Afterward, we're all raring to sample the night life.
After all this hard work, what's the thanks you get? Can we have the lights on? So, there it is, folks Your chance to make a dent in a huge problem, to take part in tough, challenging operations that some of you young residents have only read about, a chance to practice medicine the way it was done before the high technology.
In a sense, it is a way to renew your vows.
Oh, one more thing There are no malpractice laws in Honduras, so we welcome even the most incompetent among you.
The ama's very keen to give you this award.
If you could stay Awards it's not me.
Might give me an ego, and I'm already so damn perfect.
Excuse me, Dr.
morse.
Buenos dias.
Disfrute mucho de su presentacion.
What? That's Spanish for I really enjoyed your presentation.
Oh.
Are you Spanish? No.
Um, I just speak Spanish fluently.
I really think you're doing a wonderful job.
I can't think of a more worthy cause.
I want to be part of it.
I want to renew my vows.
You're a doctor? Yes.
Dr.
howser graduated top of his class from medical school at 14.
Cool.
Huan ying ni dao women dui lai, Dr.
howser.
That's Chinese for Welcome to the team.
It's called San Carlos.
It's a farming village 60 miles from the Nicaraguan border.
The population's 1,200 not counting mosquitoes.
Snake-bite kit? That's just a precaution, mom.
"Contains bite book, suction cups, razors, and extractor pump.
" Sounds like a fun date.
Sure this is safe? Well, I'll be surrounded by doctors.
Guess this saves you from the sled dogs.
You're jumping out of the igloo into the frying pan.
Dad, I'm really sorry about our fishing trip.
I really want to do this.
We can always go to Alaska next year.
You understand it's important.
I'm proud of you.
It's an exciting opportunity.
Sounds like something you'd have jumped at in your day.
In my day? Well, you know, when you were younger and brimming with idealism and vim.
I still have vim.
I'm full of vim.
I could show those young hotshots a few things about working in primitive conditions.
I did my stint in Vietnam.
Dad, if you're serious, we could use you.
Nah.
It's probably too late.
Doogie, is it too late? We need the help.
Well, I mean, it is a challenge.
I'd have to rearrange my schedule.
Oh, but you know how your mother worries.
Don't worry about me.
Vinnie will help fill those lonely hours.
Right, Vinnie? You know what I always say, son Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all.
Gracias.
Gracias.
Gracias.
Vaya todo bien! Adios.
I thought that trip would never end.
That bus smelled something between a subway and a petting zoo.
I gave my seat up to a goat, although she was pregnant.
I wonder where everyone is.
They're probably in surgery.
There's no loafing around here.
This is serious business.
Oh, hey, are you the new doctors? Keith says if you want to freshen up, he'll see you in a while.
I'm so excited.
I can't wait to get to work.
Well, first things first.
You ready? Hit me.
Yeah! What a bun! Hey, why so modest, guys? Welcome to San Carlos, gentlemen.
Everybody, these are the doctors howser.
You may indeed see a family resemblance.
I'd shake your hands, but I make a rule never to shake hands with a naked man.
I suppose we passed the initiation ceremony.
With flying colors.
Ha ha ha! Well, clinic's not for another couple of hours, so you're welcome to join us for mint tea cocktails on the veranda.
That's the shady area behind the latrine.
Thank you.
We're delighted.
Welcome! Well, Toto, I get the feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
Uh, ¿quien sigue? Mami, tengo calor.
Digame lo que quiere.
No se preocupe.
Esta en buenos manos.
Podemos ayudarle.
Va a necesitar cirugia.
Por favor, registrase con la enfermera alla.
Su chica.
That is the third case of impetigo.
These people just don't understand public health.
Nor immunization nor hydrocele nor encephalitis.
I mean, it's endless.
How will we treat them all? Just take one case at a time.
No one's expecting miracles.
Hola.
¿Como se llama? Se llama Rosa.
Se quemo con una lampara de kerosena.
Hola, Rosa.
No se preocupe.
Podemos ayudarle.
O, gracias.
Gracias a usted, doctor.
How's it going, doctor? Drumming up any business? Nasty burn case here.
Perfect skin-graft candidate.
Mm-hmm.
Tell her to come back next month.
What? We don't have time.
I know this will eat up doctor hours, but it's a disfiguring injury.
You want to perform this surgery? O.
K.
, then tell the next eight people in line to go on home.
It's tough, but you've got to pick and choose.
This child's in no pain.
There's no functional impairment.
Next month, if there's time.
Come on.
Lo siento, señora, pero no los pedemos atender hoy.
Por favor, usted regresa El mes que viene.
Lo siento mucho.
Sponge stick.
Here you are, doctor.
Human anatomy for $500.
A wormlike organ once believed to aid digestion.
Occasionally redundant, swollen, and gangrenous.
The appendix.
It's the appendix.
Anybody? What is the appendix? Good, David.
Remember to phrase those answers in the form of a question.
We'll be back in a minute for final jeopardy.
The category is bing! The colon.
How's it going over there, doogster? I've exposed the hernia sac and reduced the bowel out of it.
You might want to put him to sleep now.
Sponge.
What the hell's going on? Please, David, I'm married.
There will be a blink.
Then the emergency generator goes on.
Unless that was the emergency generator, in which case we all stop what we're doing and start slow dancing.
There you go.
That's a relief.
I don't have the energy for a waltz.
Do you, David? Can you give me more exposure? A little more.
Sorry.
Take a break.
I'm fine.
You've been on your feet nine hours.
You don't have to be a hero.
That's my job.
You're just jet lagged.
It's no big deal.
Well, maybe I will take a moment.
Suzanne, can you take over here? Sure.
Ah, thank you.
Whew.
What do you say, folks? It's been a long day.
Why don't we all take a seventh-inning stretch? Take me out to the ball game Take me out to the crowd Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks For god's sake, be quiet! Where's your respect for these people? This humor's out of place.
Sorry.
Here you are.
The purse-string suture, doctor? Shh! Dr.
howser's on edge.
If it's an absolute emergency, you can pass me a note.
I'm done here.
Will you close up? Sure.
Saline irrigation, please.
That is it! I cannot work with that man.
Who? Who? Groucho Marx.
The clown prince of surgery.
He's he's turned that operating room into a circus.
Why am I talking to you? You were pitching in with them.
Some people find clowning around an effective way of handling stress.
Well, I find it unprofessional.
Of course, they're still in there performing surgery, and you've burned out in a bright flame of indignation.
I let them get to me.
My mistake.
I should be above that.
Why should you be above that? Oh, because you're a dedicated physician, and they're not? You're saying I'm being too hard on them.
No.
There's someone else you're being too hard on.
Your whole career, you've been a kid in an adult world, and you've worked very hard to overcome that, but now circumstances have changed.
You don't have to prove you're an adult anymore, son.
You are one.
In other words, lighten up.
Well, at least accept that being an adult means giving yourself permission to behave in a childlike way sometimes.
Your abilities are going to take you into some very pressure-filled places, and a guy like morse could teach you a few things about handling that kind of pressure.
Believe me, you will have a much longer and happier career.
I would give a lot of my genius for a little bit of your wisdom.
Sorry, kid.
The only way to get wise is to live a long, long, long time.
Thanks, dad.
Thank you, son.
My dearest Katherine, your old fiddle has new strings and is playing more sweetly than ever.
Ow.
I need a towel, please.
Here you go.
The prodigal surgeon returns.
Somebody want to get the fatted calf or the fatted chicken? What's next? Palate repair.
Well, she's in good hands then.
Nurse, can we log that? At precisely 9:02 P.
M.
, Dr.
howser made a completely spontaneous and humorous gesture.