Empty Nest (1988) s03e24 Episode Script

Life goes on, and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on - Morning, Charley.
- Morning, westons.
Mail call.
Ah, somebody's due for a rabies vaccination.
Question for the room.
I got a raise, don't ask me why.
And suddenly my paycheck is smaller than it was last week.
It seems like most of the money is going to this fica guy.
Who is he? And why is he sponging off the dietzter? Fica's a plant.
Don't be ridiculous.
Fica is an acronym for federal insurance Daddy? The federal insurance ca.
I've I have no idea what fica stands for.
Ah, don't worry about it.
You lost me back there at "acronym.
" Well, whatever this fica thing is, I won't stand for it.
I mean, it's not right for somebody on the outside to come in and take stuff that doesn't belong to them.
Jean Douglas.
I don't know any Jean Douglas.
Oh, oh, Jean Douglas.
Jean Douglas.
We went to the sixth grade together.
Little Jeannie Douglas.
I have no idea who this is.
What does the letter say? Well, she's coming to Miami on business, and wants to get together on Thursday, the 12th.
That's today.
Today? She can't come today.
I don't know who she is.
Wait a minute, wait.
Jean mcdowell.
That's her maiden name.
Jeannie mcdowell.
Little Jeannie mcdowell.
Her, I remember.
In fact, I thought she was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.
Prettier than me daddy? No.
Carol, come on.
No, but she was the first girl I ever loved.
Boy, I'll never forget that one Saturday.
Jean and I were gonna go to the movies, you know, like we always did, and what she didn't know was I was planning on stealing my first kiss.
Girls: Aww.
Yeah, I wanted everything to be perfect, but, unfortunately, wuthering heights had just completely its run at the movie house and Francis the talking mule joins the army was now playing.
But I figured, you know, we can work on that.
I figured that while she's laughing, I can catch her off guard and plant one on her.
Oh, daddy, that's so cute.
Yeah, well, things didn't go exactly as I had planned.
Now, I always met Jean in soldier park.
I can't remember why it was called soldier park.
But Anyway, I was waiting for Jean when this other kid Eric Lancaster shows up.
And he said that my mom wanted me to come home right away because my dog was trapped under my porch.
Eric agreed to wait for Jean and tell her I'd be right back.
But what Eric actually told Jean was something else entirely.
Call me naive, but it never occurred to me that I'd just been had.
So your dog wasn't trapped under the porch? No, when I got home, he was fine.
So you put two and two together and you figured out that Eric had played you for the fool.
No, I just figured my dog had managed to get free.
- Daddy.
- Well, come on.
I was a very trusting child.
You have to remember things were simpler back then.
I mean, we believed that talking mules could battle fascism.
Anyway, I picked up a couple of ice cream cones and headed back to the park, where I waited for Jean.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Poor daddy.
Yeah, you were so pathetic.
Sweetheart, could we just stick with "poor daddy"? Then what happened? The next afternoon, I confronted Jean and Eric in the park.
I tried to explain to Jean what had happened, but somehow, Eric made it sound like I was the liar.
Finally, I turned to Jean and said, "you decide.
" Talk about a painful decision.
There was no convincing Jean.
But I was determined to give Eric a piece of my mind.
Why is it a crowd always mysteriously appears when there's a fight? How bad did you beat him up? Well, let's just say, uh, I had him on his knees.
So, I never got my kiss from little jeanie mcdowell.
- Oh.
- Daddy, about Jean.
Yes, dear? Am I really prettier than she was? - Yes, dear.
- How about Barbara? Is Barbara prettier than she was? Much.
What's that supposed to mean, daddy? Nothing, dear.
You're pretty, Barbara's pretty.
I'm pretty.
We're all prettier than Jean.
- Good morn - Ho! Oh, you nearly scared me to death.
Don't you think you ought to announce your presence first? I'm, I'm sorry, I don't know what I could have been thinking, just walking into this office, the one with my name on the door.
I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a little jumpy over this here article I'm a-readin'.
"Fetus does mom's taxes from the womb?" Laverne, I'm ashamed that you're reading that.
That's trash.
Not that one.
That one's silly.
This one.
This one, here.
It's all about how aliens come here from other planets and sometimes assume human form, a-lookin' and talkin' like the people we've known for years.
Say, you were late this morning.
You weren't out by chance Mutilatin' cattle? Let me think.
I showered, I talked to the girls, disemboweled a pig No, no cattle mutilation.
Come on, Laverne, this is ridiculous.
Can we please get to work? Harry? Jean.
I almost didn't recognize you without your milk mustache.
Yeah, well, I guess it was after we parted ways that I figured out how to work a napkin.
- Oh.
- Well.
Laverne, this is an old friend of mine, Jean.
- Hi, Laverne.
- Hello, nice to meet you.
But before you start gettin' cozy with him, let me warn you.
He's not quite of this earth.
In many other areas, she's indispensable.
- You look great.
- So do you.
Tell me, are you still inspiring men to battle for your affection? Oh, Harry.
You're not referring to that incident in the park.
Oh, you mean my fight with that rat Eric Lancaster? No, that's long forgotten.
Boy, I guess we acted pretty childishly back then.
We were children.
It's a good point.
Well, how about some coffee? - Oh, I'd love some.
Black.
- All right.
So, list, are you still in touch with any of the old gang? What ever happened to Eli Prescott? The kid who beat me out for tallest in the class.
I'm afraid he's passed on.
Oh, that's a shame.
But I guess that does make me the tallest.
Yeah.
And you and your husband have plans for tonight? No.
Since the divorce, we don't go out very much.
Oh! I'm sor Here you are.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Well, I'm a single person myself.
- How about dinner? - Fine.
Great.
I tell you.
I will take you to a lovely place on the beach and I guarantee you, you will have a wonderful time.
You sound very sure.
Well, with good reason.
You'll be with the tallest boy in the class.
Hello, Weston women.
Hello, neanderthal man.
Okay, I decided to send a telegram to my congressman about this fica thing.
Listen to this.
"Dear honorable what's-your-name" "What is fica anyway? Stop.
"Whatever it is, it's taking money "from my paycheck every week.
"Stop.
" "Stop.
Stop.
" "If you don't stop, this I will.
Stop.
"And you can't stop me.
Stop.
Signed Charles dietz.
" Both: Stop! Charley, this is stupid and idiotic.
Oh, Carol, you don't know nothing.
I stand behind this telegram 1,000%.
Charley, you know, they charge by the word.
Okay, let's cut this baby down.
"What is fica anyway? Signed Chaz.
Stop.
" I like it.
Well, I'm off to send this telegram to my congressman.
I wish I could be there when the gorilla sings it to him.
Here's to the end of a wonderful evening.
Harry, I've had such fun tonight.
I can't help but think this is something we should have done a long time ago.
Listen, how about going out again, Friday night? Oh, I'd like that.
That'll be a wonderful way to spend my last night in town.
Great.
Great.
We'll have dinner, then I know, I could, you know, rent a classic old movie, I don't know, you know, maybe a comedy.
How do you feel about.
Francis the talking mule joins the army? I never saw that.
Well, you have no idea what you missed out on.
This must be some movie.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
I've been waiting over 40 years to see it.
Excuse me, but are you Jean mcdowell? - Yes, but - I thought so.
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
What is it? You're wanted in the principal's office.
- Eric? - Yes.
- Eric Lancaster? - Yes.
Oh.
I don't believe this.
Same thing here.
Neither do I.
So, Eric, how did you ever find us? Yeah, I'd be curious about that myself, Eric.
Well, I live here in Miami, and I heard you were gonna be staying at this hotel when I went to Eli Prescott's funeral.
Oh.
I'm so sorry I missed that.
Filing past that casket was one of the longest walks of my life.
Heart-breaking, huh? No, he was really tall, remember? You know, Eric? We were just talking about you the other day and that silly fight that you and Harry had in the park, remember? Fight in the park? Oh, right, right.
I'm afraid I didn't treat you very nicely in those days, Harry.
I've been meaning to ask you these past 40 years, are you okay? I'm one of Miami's most respected pediatricians.
Jean.
You look very beautiful.
No, she does not.
Well, boy, I mean, of course, she I already told her that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I see I've interrupted something between you two.
Jean, Harry, nice to see both of you again.
Eric, wait, wait.
The three of us together, we have 40 years to catch up on.
Right Harry? Yeah, right.
So you live in Miami, what do you do? - I'm a lawyer.
- Well, I'm caught up, you? Okay, that's it.
All caught up, well, Eric, it's been really nice seeing you.
We should do this like every 40 years or so and good luck in your Miami and the law thing.
Harry.
Harry.
No, it's okay, Jean.
I can tell that I've got bad timing here.
My wife always accuses me of that.
Your wife? Did you hear that? He's got a wife.
Eric, congratulations.
Sit down, come on.
You got 40 years to catch up on here.
Here you go, Laverne.
Thank you, doctor.
That is if you are doctor Weston.
Laverne, would you stop with this alien business? It's not funny.
Come on.
You're driving me nuts.
Please, just show me how to work this new coffeemaker.
Oh, you'd love for me to give you that information.
So you can share it with all your fellow lizard people back on cryoton nine.
Oh, Jean.
What brings you by? I just happened to be in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd stop by and say hello.
Oh, how nice of you.
Well, I also wanted to see you.
If you're gonna get mushy, could you do it in private? Come, come here.
Listen, if you can stick around just for a minute, we can go out and get a bite to eat.
Oh, Harry, I'm sorry.
Eric just took me to lunch to that Japanese restaurant down the street.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
He's such a sweet man.
Yeah, well, you know, he's changed a lot since the sixth grade, but I mean, people can change.
It's a shame his marriage didn't work out.
That's not surprising, I mean, the man hasn't changed.
He said he was married, what happened to the wife? Where is this wife? Oh, they've been separated for a year.
Poor man, he's really very upset.
Obviously not so upset.
He can suck down Sushi.
Harry, is something wrong? No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I was being a little childish there.
I'm really looking forward to our date tomorrow night.
- Oh, so am I.
- Okay, good.
So, okay if I come by and pick you up around 6:00? - Fine.
- Oh, I look forward to that.
I told you about that mushy stuff.
God, don't you people ever stop? It's like rabbits.
There you go, sir.
Oh, well, thank you.
One thing.
I pride myself on being able to guess what people do for a living.
You're a stock broker, right? So, what do you think? Should I buy t bills? Sorry, I'm a pediatrician.
So, what do you think? Is this ring worm? Damn.
What is it? I told my service not to call me, unless it was an emergency.
Is there a phone? Yeah, it's right down the hall.
- Would you do me a favor? - Sure.
I'm supposed to meet a woman here.
Her name is Jean Douglas.
Pretty blonde lady.
If I'm not back in a couple of minutes, would you tell her that Harry had to be called off to the hospital? Give her these flowers.
And I will meet her at au petite cafe.
- Will do.
- Thank you so much.
- Nice job.
- Thank you.
- Jean.
- Eric.
You seem to be everywhere.
Oh, I met Harry here for drinks.
Oh.
Where is he? I'm afraid he was called away on a medical emergency.
Oh, no.
It's my last night in town.
My last chance to see him.
Well, he felt terrible about it, too.
He asked me to entertain you in his place.
So I got these for you.
Oh.
Eric, how sweet.
What would you say to an evening of dancing? I'd love it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it could happen again.
Daddy, did you drive into the garage door again? Yes, but that's not what I'm angry about.
What is it, daddy? Remember that story I told you about little Jeannie mcdowell and how Eric Lancaster played me for the fool and stole her away from me? Well, he did it again tonight.
Daddy, this is getting to be a pattern.
I mean, every 40 years this guy really dumps on you.
Oh, Barbara.
What happened, daddy? Well, he trumped-up some phony medical emergency to get rid of me.
I spent half the night in a restaurant waiting.
He's out having a good time with Jean.
I'd still be there now, if I hadn't gone back to the hotel and bribed the bartender for the truth.
At least you weren't holding ice cream cones.
- Well.
- Oh, daddy.
Well, I thought it would be cute.
That's it.
I'll see you later.
- Where are you going? - Never mind.
Just don't wait up for me.
I'm Patricia Ballard, and this is face the forum.
I wanna watch bullwinkle.
Barbara, I think you could profit from a little more cerebral television fair.
Besides, you know how that flying squirrel scares me.
Stop it.
Tonight, we turn our attention to the economy.
Our panel, in Washington, financial analyst Brooks Livingston.
In New York, mutual fund manager Marilyn arthurs.
And, in our Miami studio, the man who single-handedly crystallized the concerns of a nation when he asked in his now-famous telegram to congress, "what is fica anyway?" Mr.
Charles dietz.
Patricia, in these times of economic hardship, it's the duty of all Americans to make sacrifices.
And what better place to begin than for you gals to stop wearing underwear.
The hailstorm on the roof seemed more important.
Hello there.
Harry.
I wasn't expecting to see you here.
Hi, Jean.
Hello, Eric.
Harry.
You're back from your medical emergency.
Child's okay, I hope.
Oh, child's fine.
Oh, that's a relief.
It's the doctor who's not okay.
Harry, what's wrong? Eric, you wanna tell her? Tell me what? I don't know what he's talking about.
Would somebody please tell me what's going on here? Jean, there was no emergency for me.
He sent me off in a wild goose chase so he could be alone with you.
Oh, this is absurd.
Harry, I hope this isn't your way to get back at me for what happened 40 years ago.
Harry, that isn't true, is it? Of course not, Jean.
Eric, you did this to me once before.
You're not gonna do it again.
Now, tell Jean the truth.
Jean, I think maybe he's had a little too much to drink.
Perhaps you should take you to your room.
You are taking her nowhere.
So I'm right.
You're not gonna be happy until we've replayed the entire incident.
What are you gonna do now, Harry? Fight me? All: Fight, fight, fight! Fight, fight, fight! Fight, fight, fight! Fight, fight, fight! Where do these people come from? Okay, if that's the way you want it? Put 'em up.
Let's see if you got any more than you had in the sixth grade.
Eric, I'm not gonna fight.
All: Don't you people have someplace else you could be? Jean.
This is your last night in town and you can only spend it with one of us.
Now, someone here is lying and you're gonna have to decide who to believe.
I guess it just comes down to our character and your gut instinct.
If you would like to factor in that I have dedicated my life to the art of healing and he is a price gouging, ambulance chasing shyster, please do.
Jean, that's not true.
Most of my clients are referrals.
So, who's it gonna be? Harry, I'm sorry.
My god.
I'm sorry I didn't believe you 40 years ago.
But I'm not gonna make that same mistake again.
Jean, you're not being taken in by this guy? Eric, let me put it this way.
Jean dear, there's something else that's 40 years overdue.
What's that? It was worth the wait.