Everybody Loves Raymond s03e24 Episode Script

Hey, is this a good movie? No! No, senor, no.
This is a girly flick.
Too much talking.
Not enough shooting.
Are you hungry, Senor Navel? Si! All right here you go, buddy.
Ray, I'm this close to cracking you across the chops.
- You make me crazy! - Hey.
- Is this a bad time? - No, no.
Look, Robert's here.
Let's shut the movie off.
No, I don't want to interrupt.
That's okay.
Ray's just talking to his belly button.
Senor Navel? You know him? I named him.
You're looking pretty spiffy there.
Got a hot date? Nah, I was over at the Holiday Inn.
- They have swing dancing on Thursdays.
- That sounds fun! Well, it could have been.
But before you dance you gotta get up the nerve to approach a strange woman.
Before you do that, you gotta stop throwing up in the men's room.
What are you so nervous about? You've been dating.
Yeah, but that's dating.
This is dancing.
- So? - Oh, yeah, I know what he means.
Dancing is different.
- You're very vulnerable.
- Yeah.
It's a big risk asking someone if you can hold on to them for 10 minutes.
I all I want is five and I get, "Get off of me, I'm sleeping!" - Idiot.
- He's right! Oh, no, shh.
Robert, I totally understand.
I totally understand.
It's hard for a woman too.
You know, waiting to be asked? And then finally some guy starts approaching you and then he asks the tall blonde standing next to you.
Yeah, tall blondes.
Thank God I gave those up.
Yeah, big shot.
And anyway, when's the last time you took me someplace where we weren't suppose to color the menus, huh? I would love to go dancing.
Hey! Here's an idea.
Why don't you two go out and you know, cut the rug? Shake the shake the leg outta it.
- Shiver your timbers.
- What? You two, go dancing! Out! Tonight! But what about the kids? Forget about the kids.
They're sleeping.
Besides, I'm here.
- Yeah? - Yeah, come on.
You work hard.
You deserve to go out and have some fun, right? I deserve to sit and watch a movie that isn't about someone having trouble saying "I love you" unless it's because they've been shot in the face.
What do you think, Deb? Do you want to go dancing? I would love to go dancing! - I'm gonna get dressed! - All right.
Oh, I could use a mint.
Oh, it is a great victory! You have liberated the vCR! Oh, my goodness! Hurry up, get in here! The giant bug's jabbing his stinger thing in the fat guy.
Oh, man, he's gonna explode.
Oh, God.
Rewind that.
Raymond, I need to borrow vanilla.
- Hey, Mrs.
B.
- Hello, Gianni, dear.
Are you making your world-famous cannoli? Why yes I am.
When are you gonna dump that old man and come bake for me? Just say the word, Gianni.
Please, one horror movie at a time, huh? Where's Debra? She's dancing at the Holiday Inn.
Dancing? Yeah, she's picking up a little pocket money.
She's swing dancing with Robert.
Aah, that's nice.
Robert's a wonderful dancer.
Yeah, it works out for everybody.
She gets to dance, I get to eat salami in the living room.
Huh, amen! What are they doing? This isn't really your type of movie, Ma.
Actually, I never see these.
I enjoy the action pictures.
Wha come on, Ma, since when? Never got that one step, though.
Sort of like a Charleston thing that Hey, hey.
Marie's here.
- Hey, Gianni, how are you doing? - Fine, fine.
I tell you, your brother really knows how to swing.
You were shaking and baking pretty good there yourself, doll face.
And it was just so it was like so - whoo! - Whoo! No, no.
Bullets won't stop him.
Flame his head.
Marie! Oh, Debra, I need to borrow some vanilla.
I think I have some in this spice drawer.
Would you get it for me? They're about to waste these mutants.
- Yes, sure.
Robert, you want a drink? - You lead, I'll follow.
Hey, Ray, you got any beer? Yeah, yeah, I'll get you some.
Get me one too, dear.
You're gonna get drunk and show us your tattoos, aren't you? - Shall we show him? - Yeah, look what we can do.
Ready? - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah, yeah.
You like that, you come out of there? I gotta tell you, Ray, your wife here really wore me out.
Look who's talking.
I could barely keep up with you.
- Oh, come on.
- Whoo! Here, Marie, you can keep it.
But the bottle's still full.
Yeah, I think it's the one you gave me when we moved in.
Now I understand your bundt cake.
Hey, here's a beer.
- Here, here you go, Ma.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, I gotta hit the rack.
Good night, everybody.
Debra, thanks, I had a great time.
And I gotta tell you I wasn't the slightest bit nauseous.
You were great, Robert.
I'll see you Saturday, right? - It's a date, bye now.
- Okay, bye.
What's Saturday? Yeah, there is this great band that's playing in the city.
Robert and I thought it would be kind of fun to go check it out.
- Oh, good.
- You don't mind, right? - No, are you kidding? - Okay.
No, Mom and I can go to a cock-fight.
So, you and Robert, huh? Yeah, I never knew your brother was so much fun.
Fun, yeah.
Ask him to give you a pink belly or a purple nurple some time.
A what? - Purple nurple.
- Ah! Get out of here.
Yeah, see? Not so much fun.
I had so many of those, I had to have my right one sewn back on.
But we had a great time.
Of course you did.
I'm sure you complained about me all night, right? "Oh, Ray never takes me dancing.
" "Ray doesn't hang up his clothes.
" "Ray can't say the word 'cinnimum'.
" No, we didn't talk about you.
Yeah? Good.
So my name didn't come up at all? No, I told you, we had a good time.
But I tell you, it was so great to get out there and move.
That dancing really got me going.
I feel like Yeah, well I got a couple of moves to make you feel born again.
Hey, Robert.
Yeah, no nothing, we're just in bed.
Yeah.
What are you wearing? Yeah.
A zoot suit?! Oh my God! Then I'm gonna have to get something too.
Something flouncy.
Well then don't throw me over your head.
Yeah.
You are so funny.
Okay, all right, I'll see you Saturday.
Okay, bye, bye.
Oh God.
Whoo, I'm exhausted.
Good night, Ray.
And I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.
So then tomorrow is out too? - Hey, Ray.
- Hey, sorry.
Yeah, CPR doll.
Just practicing.
Is that a man? They are gender-indeterminate.
So what are you doing? Practicing some of those fancy moves you're gonna do with Debra? Yeah, more or less.
But it's different with her, because she's Got legs? Yeah, but you know, she's so good it's like she doesn't have legs.
Oh, yeah? - I'm telling you, she's good.
- Uh-huh.
I mean it, you could not believe how good she is.
She is fantastic.
You know, it's like she Okay, I get it.
I get it.
What's the matter? No, nothing, I just I mean do you really want to be dancing with Debra? Yeah, I mean, what are you saying? Nothing, it's just I don't think you should be dancing with her 'cause, you know, she's holding you back, man.
Holding me back? - Yeah, from meeting the other women.
- No she's not.
Of course she is.
She does it all the time to me.
- Yeah.
- That's good.
That's funny, yeah.
So dump her, that's all.
Just dump her for your own good.
Dump Debra? - Yeah.
- No, come on, Ray.
I can't do that to her.
She's really looking forward to Saturday night.
- Is she? - Sure she is.
Isn't she? If you say so.
Listen, come on, it's obvious she was having a fun time.
All the spinning and the twirling and the whoo-ooh! You know, it seems like she had fun to me.
Yeah, yeah, she sure can put on a show.
What are you saying? She is she faking? You know, forget about it.
Forget the whole thing.
The important thing is that you're having a good time, right? I guess so.
- Anyway, I'll see you.
- Wait, are you leaving? Yeah, I just came by to say hey, so, you know, hey.
Hey.
Okay, what do you think, huh? - Kind of skimpy.
- Oh, skimpy.
What, are you going to a stripper's funeral? I think this is great, huh? I mean, I get to go jumpin' jivin' and you get to what are you doing? I don't know.
Probably end up watching "The Brave Little Toaster.
" Unless my mother comes over, in which case we'll watch "When Animals Attack.
" What earrings, do you think? - These or these? - What's the difference? When that dress flies up, nobody's gonna be looking at your ears.
Don't be such a square.
Square.
Getting a little sick of the swing talk, you know? Jumpin' jivin', cat's pajamas.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, she's here.
- It's your date - Hey.
Hey, Robert.
Yeah? Oh, that's terrible.
Yeah, no, no, sure.
Yeah, yeah, I understand.
Okay, yeah well, good luck.
Okay, bye.
- What? - Damn, he canceled.
Really? Why did he wait until the last minute like that? Some emergency.
You know, a rescue thing.
Some kid got stuck in a well.
- Stuck in a well.
- Yeah.
Who gets stuck in wells anymore? I mean, are there wells in Queens? Yeah, see that's the thing.
People don't think they're there and then they fall in them.
He said the kid's gonna be okay but they need a tall guy.
Yeah.
Well, you know, going out with a cop, I mean, that's the life.
He's already got a dance partner danger.
What kinds of parents are those? They probably had a safety latch on their sock drawer, but that big hole in their backyard "Oh, gee, we had no idea.
" I mean, come on, here's an idea for you, childproof your damn well, you stupid morons.
Damn it.
Look, you know I know it's not what you had in mind, but as it turns out, I'm here.
I mean it's Saturday night.
We could do something fun.
- You wanna go dancing? - Dancing, no, no.
No, no, I was thinking like Nintendo.
Come on, come on.
We're gonna go dancing.
No, wait, come on.
How about I give you a back rub and then some sex? That could be fun.
- No, we're going dancing.
- All right, back rub, no sex.
No, no, no, I'm dressed, you're free, we're going.
- No, the kids - I'll call your mother.
Oh, come on, you hate her.
No, come on, you know me and dancing.
I'm no good.
I know you're no Robert, but I'll take what I can get.
All right, back rub, no sex and I'll vacuum.
Ooh-whoo! Whoo! Isn't this great, Ray? It's like stepping back into the 1940s, huh? Yeah.
Can't wait to meet Hitler.
Come on, let's dance.
We'll do the Jitterbug.
No, how about we do the Maypole? I stand here, you dance around me.
Oh, come on, I'll lead and you follow, okay? Ray, come on, you promised you'd try to dance.
That was at our wedding.
Hey, you look thirsty.
- I'm not thirsty.
- Yeah, stay here, I'll get you a drink.
Would you - like to dance? - Sure.
- Ah! - Robert? - Raymond? - What are you doing here? You told me Debra was holding me back, so I'm flying solo.
- Debra's not here, is she? - Yes, she is.
And you lied to her about the well.
So you better get out of here unless you're dancing with a soggy kid.
I can't let her see me.
You're gonna be hard to miss in that pimp suit.
Come on, get outta here.
Why don't you two swing it outside? Go outside.
Robert?! Hey, Debra, gotta dance.
Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, where are you going? Pick up my trophy.
When you came over it just wasn't to say hey, was it? How come you told Robert I was dancing with him out of pity? - I never said out of pity.
- You said to dump her.
Look, it's just you two it's just - What? Just what? - I was - What? - You know.
- What? - Jealous! - Jealous?! - Of us? A little bit! Because we're dancing together? Not just dancing, you're sweating and you're panting and you're straddling.
You were wooing.
- She's your wife.
- He's your brother.
You are a sick man.
Look, I didn't actually think anything was going on there.
I was just it's the music, it's the damn devil music! It made me crazy.
Look, it's stupid, I know.
I'm sorry.
Forget it.
Forget the whole thing happened.
Go! You kids go.
You dance, I'll watch.
I like to watch.
I don't want to dance anymore.
God, you killed it.
Nice.
- I'm going home.
- Can I have a ride? Yeah.
But it's okay, Ray, she'll sit in the back.
You know, I was watching you dance.
You might have a middle-ear problem.
Just try to put yourself in my place.
It's just 'cause you were having so much fun.
Look, I told you, let's just drop it.
I don't want to discuss this with you anymore.
How about me, senorita? Will you talk to me? No, I don't want to talk to Senor Navel either.
Oh, that wasn't Senor Navel.
Well, for the next few days you're gonna be talking to that guy by yourself.