Friends s03e24 Episode Script

Are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my dad back two hours ago.
Oh, yeah.
He clicked on.
Call him as soon as you get a chance.
He's at Flimbees.
What's Flimbees? That's the word I use when I can't remember the real thing.
Okay, hang up! That's it.
Come on! No.
That's what they want me to do.
My warranty expires tomorrow.
If I don't get through.
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they won't fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It's us versus them! Yes! I gotta double-check for tickets tonight.
Who got what? I have one.
I need two.
I'm bringing Pete.
My boyfriend.
I have a boyfriend now.
Two it is.
How about you? Yeah, I also need two.
Really? Who's number two? Whose Number Two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
No, it's just this person.
Like a date-type person? Yeah, kind of.
It's this woman from work.
I hope that won't be too weird.
Will it, Rach? Not at all.
I was actually gonna bring someone myself.
But you said one ticket.
I meant me plus one.
Okay.
Did you guys mean you plus one? All right.
I'll see you tonight.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Okay, I need a date! Oh, hey! You guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate! And I borrowed your cologne.
I hope she likes it.
What are you doing? She's seeing somebody.
Yeah, and I don't have any cologne.
-Bottle next to the shaving cream.
-Worm medicine for the duck.
The One With the Screamer GELULA & CO.
, INC.
-Here you go.
You can wear this.
-Thanks.
I'm setting the phone down.
But I'm still here.
Just don't go anywhere.
I'm still here.
Don't switch or anything, because I'm right here.
Just one sec.
One sec.
One second! Wait! One second! Just.
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.
What? Monica, I'm scared! Honey, that's a sleeve.
And we also have a speakerphone.
Please stay on the line.
Your call is important to us.
You gotta hang up.
We'll be late.
Thank you for your patience.
You're the next caller.
Yes! Yes! I'm the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.
Can you take a duck and a chick to the theater? Of course not.
I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.
Oh, hi, how are you? Good.
-Looks like we're the first ones here.
-Looks that way.
First ones here! Oh, Tommy, this is Ross.
Ross, Tommy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Cailin.
Cailin-- Sorry.
And break! I think I'm gonna run to the ladies' room.
-I'll join you.
-I'll get our seats.
Well, this is.
.
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awkward.
Well, because Rachel and I used to go out.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, then this is awkward.
-So what do you.
.
.
? -I think we're here.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I think you may be in our seats.
No, I don't think so.
-Could we take a look at your ticket? -Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah, see, this says, "D-1 3" .
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Oh, well, I thought that-- You thought? Well, that didn't really work out for you.
Idiot! What are you, a moron? It says, "D-1 3" ! Okay? You're surrounded by even numbers! Does that give you a clue? -The usher told me-- -The usher must be right! With all his training! Get out! Here! -Hey, man, you want the aisle? -No, I'm good.
-There he is! -There's our star! You were great! So? What'd you think? Almost as good as the play with the two naked girls on the seesaw.
-I wasn't in that.
-I know.
I want you to meet everybody.
Everybody, this is Kate.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sweetheart! Come! So that's the girl you like.
I tell you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy.
He viciously screamed at total strangers.
I think he's bad news.
Wait a minute.
You don't like the guy Rachel's dating? Well, that's odd.
Oh, hey, Lauren.
You guys, this is Kate's understudy, Lauren.
Hey, gosh, you look so familiar.
I ran into you in the hallway in your building.
It was right after I slept with Joey.
He dumped me the next day.
So how'd you guys meet? The short version is, I pursued her for a couple of months.
Then I gave her a check for $20,000 and she was mine.
In the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version.
Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous! You guys, this is my agent, Estelle.
How do you do? Oh, you two girls were outstanding! Do they have representation? They weren't in the play.
We're not actors.
What a shame! With her face and her chest, I could really put something together.
Could I borrow it? Hi.
Remember me? Hi.
Yeah.
Tommy's in line for the bathroom.
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and someone just cut.
I think he's gonna snap.
I'm gonna go.
Go? Why? I don't know.
Could be because I don't feel like.
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waiting all night for a guy who may or may not scream.
He definitely will scream.
Goodbye.
Here we go, people! "Boxing Day.
The Lucille Lortel Theatre.
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Joey Tribbiani gives an uneven performance.
But Mr.
Tribbiani is not the worst thing in this production.
" Yes! "Kate Miller's awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable.
" Here it is! "The direction.
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by Marshall Townend is.
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" Thank you, boys and girls.
You've ruined my life.
Please stuff your talentless faces.
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with my mother's crab cakes! Excuse me! Does anyone mind if I save this? -Is the play over? -Where were you? Thank you for your patience.
You're the next caller.
You were "the next caller" hours ago.
You must be going crazy.
I've kept myself busy.
Okay, yeah, I put your stuff in her room and her stuff in your room.
You okay? Fabulous.
Drama critics, they're nothing but people who couldn't make it as actors.
-You know what to do? -Become a drama critic.
I am hurt! A plague.
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on both your houses! By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.
Oh, classy.
I sure know how to pick them.
You know I gave up a part on a soap for this? I gave up a job too.
-Really? What? -Declawing cats.
Hey, tell you what, let me walk you home.
We'll stop by every newsstand and burn every copy of The Times and The Post.
-Why The Post? -You didn't see The Post? -No.
You? -No.
Why? You really think these newspapers are just jealous of me? Absolutely.
You're talented and you're good-looking.
You're sweet and cute.
I know.
That's why they trashed me.
-Wait.
Wait a minute.
-What? I don't get you.
I mean, first you hate me.
Then you sleep with me.
Then you want nothing to do with me.
Now you want me again? You never went out with an actress before? Kate, do you even like me? -Of course I do.
-So how come you blew me off? -How come you were with him? -I don't know.
I just do this.
I always have to pick, like, the smartest guy.
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or the most talented guy.
Why can't I just pick someone like you? Thanks.
You know what I mean.
I mean, like, the sweetest guy.
You're just so.
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.
You're so.
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: : :so: : : : Here we go.
Let's get your feet up there.
Good night.
Sweet dreams.
I'm gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl.
Please stay on the line.
Your call is very important to us.
You've been up for 24 hours.
Go to sleep.
This isn't healthy.
No, no, I'm fine.
And you know why? Because of all the riboflavin.
Didn't you have that on last night? I stayed at Kate's but nothing happened.
Hey, where were you? I'm so, so sorry.
I am definitely gonna see your play.
I swear, your play is very important to us.
Thank you for your patience.
Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.
How'd it go with Kate? It was great! I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected.
Then she passed out.
But then she woke up.
And we stayed up all night talking.
And now we're crazy about each other! You had "the night" ! When two people realize their feelings for each other.
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and they talk for hours and learn all about the other person.
You think? -Did you learn about her family? -Two brothers.
One died! Yes! This is from the woman at the bar.
Sorry.
She thought you were somebody else.
-What time is it? -One.
Watch doesn't work.
Tommy's supposed to be here soon.
We're going to lunch.
Look, I wasn't gonna say anything to you, but.
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.
.
All right, I don't think you should be seeing Tommy anymore.
You don't? The guy is mean.
I mean, really mean.
I think you should stay away from him.
Or maybe I should stay away from all men.
It's not just because I'm jealous.
I mean, I'm not.
I'm not jealous.
Look, the guy actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.
Yeah, and at the end of the play.
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he got up, and he just started, like, banging his hands together.
You don't want to believe me, that's fine.
We're kidding.
No one believe me.
I'm Mr.
Funny to you.
Mr.
Funny! -Sorry, Tommy.
-What's in the cup? What is in the cup? Okay, it's coffee.
Iced coffee? Tell me it's iced coffee.
-It's hot-- -Hot coffee! You idiot! You gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh? What are you? Just a big, stupid doofy idiot with a doofy idiot hairdo? What's your favorite thing about summertime? Going to the beach when it stays light real late.
What's your favorite thing about summer? I don't know.
Probably the smell of freshly cut grass.
That's a good one.
Sorry! Sorry I'm late! My duck and my chick had a fight.
It was ugly.
We held the curtain for you.
Let's go! vic! Where have you been, baby? Where's Kate? She got a job in L.
A.
I've been waiting up all night for you.
Where have you been? Where have you been, vic? Go to the window.
I wanna run down to the truck and show you something.
What do you got down there, vic? What do you got under that tarp? When is she leaving? Tonight.
What are you doing? I'm coming up! Hey, you mind if I use the phone? Use ours across the hall because she.
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has problems.
Thanks.
Sorry, Tommy.
I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.
Yeah, but you didn't.
No, but.
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it's hot.
Would you stop it? It's getting really old.
I can't believe no one believes me.
I do.
I believe you.
You do? Yeah.
But I also believed her when she said I was next.
Hey there, little fella.
Mr.
Fuzzy Man, how you doing? Gross! Idiot! Stupid, little, fuzzy, yellow creature! "Oh, look at me! I'm so cute! I'm a little chick who's disgusting! " You're so stupid! How are you not yet extinct? What are you quacking about? Dumb Donald Dodo! Step away from the duck.
Sorry, little Mr.
Chickadee.
Sorry you went doody in my hand! I guess we're not going out anymore.
Man! Joey, I'm so glad I caught you.
I couldn't find you before.
What's all this about L.
A.
? They still want me for General Hospital.
But.
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what about us? Last night was wonderful.
But I can't stay here just for you.
So stay for the museums.
-I'm sorry.
-Joey, on-stage! At least stay till the end of the play.
I'll go to the airport with you.
I want to say goodbye.
Where are you, vic? Flight's in an hour.
I gotta go.
vic? vic? -vic! -In a minute! So this is it, victor? Yeah.
I guess it is.
Listen.
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I gotta say goodbye, and I gotta say it quick because this is killing me.
One thing you gotta know is that I will never forget you.
But you got things you have to do now.
And so do l.
And so.
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I'm gonna get on this spaceship.
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and I'm gonna go to Blaargon-7 in search of alternative fuels.
But when I return .
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you'll be long gone.
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but I won't have aged at all.
So you tell your great, great granddaughter.
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to look me up.
Because, Adrianne.
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baby.
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I'm gonna want to meet her.
So long, vic! It's been two days.
Yeah, I know.
Good thing it's one of those Phoebe, 800 is toll free.
It has to be 800 because all those big companies have 800 numbers.
Every.
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.
Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I will pay you back.
And yet she's still not hanging up the phone.
-Hang up! -Hang up the phone! Fine! Fine! Well, I think I broke it.
But that's all right.
Here's the number where you can call.
Wouldn't it be cool if our duck and our chick had a baby? We could call it Chuck.
Or Dick.
Listen, I need a favor.
I was in the shower, and as I was.
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cleansing myself, I felt something.
Was it like a sneeze, only better? No.
I mean, like, a thing on my body.
Well, what was it? Well, I don't know.
It's kind of in a place that's not.
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.
It's not visually accessible to me.
And I was hoping maybe you guys.
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could help me out.
Come on, you guys! It's no big deal! Well, what is it? ls it a mole? No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.
Is it--? What, a pimple? No, it's.
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fancier than a pimple.
-Ross, just go see a doc-- -Guys, what's--? Well, it's definite.
Two more weeks of winter.
Yeah, right.
The One With Ross' Thing GELULA & CO.
, INC.
And this is the coffeehouse.
This is where I play my music.
-Good deal.
-These are my friends.
People? This is vince.
vince, the people.
vince is a fireman.
Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building? Ninety-eight hot saves.
Highest on the force.
If Joey and I play with matches, we could get you up to an even 1 00.
Fire safety is not a joke, son.
You're right.
I know.
Look, I gotta go.
I'm on call tonight.
See you Saturday.
He's cute, Pheebs.
But you just started dating that teacher.
Oh, Jason? We're seeing each other tonight.
Well, Pheebs? Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you.
I know, I know.
I'm, like, playing the field.
I'm juggling two guys.
I'm sowing my wild oats.
You know, this kind of, like, oat-sowing, field-playing juggler.
So do they know about each other? Does a dog's lips move when he reads? Okay, no, they don't know.
Hey, guys.
-Well? -How'd it go at the doctor's? He said there's definitely nothing to worry about.
It's benign.
-What is it? -He couldn't even tell me.
He said it was just some sort of "skin abnormality.
" The worse thing is, he said, being unable to identify it.
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he was reluctant to remove it.
You should go to my guy.
Because when I went in there with my third nipple.
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he just lopped it right off.
So I guess I'm lucky.
I mean, not as lucky as people who are born with two nipples.
At least they knew what yours was.
You know? Yours had a name.
Maybe they'll name yours after you.
You know? They'd call it "The Ross.
" And then people would be, like, "Oh, he's got a Ross.
" Yeah, that'd be cool.
Pete's breaking up with me.
What? I just checked my messages.
He said that when he gets back, "We need to talk.
" -And? -Well, that's it.
People never say, "We need to talk," unless it's something bad.
That doesn't necessarily mean he's breaking up with you.
Really? Maybe he just cheated on you.
I won't get rich doing it, but I gotta say, it's cool.
.
.
.
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knowing you're making a difference in a kid's life.
That is so great.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We'd better call the fire department.
Well, we don't need a fireman.
We need, like, a good mechanic.
Here they come! We gotta get out of here! Wait.
Why? If I wanted to see a fireman, I'd date one.
That's all it is.
A third nipple.
You know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple.
You can take it off.
Just slice that baby right off.
Take your shirt off.
Let's see what we're dealing with.
What are you doing? Just showing you my run-of-the-mill, slice-it-right-off third nipple.
Well, that's not a third nipple.
First of all, it's on your ass.
Well, then what is it? Wait a minute.
Hold it.
-Jansen, come in here.
-I'm with Hamilton! He's good with weird things.
Bring him in too.
I gotta go water Pete's plants.
You know what? lf he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water them.
If he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should do it.
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if you know what I mean.
Or.
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we could go and pee on them.
I can't take it, you know.
I'm afraid one of them will catch me with the other.
It's making me crazy! Why don't you break up with one of them? What happened to playing the field? It doesn't feel like playing anymore.
It's feels like work.
It's like I'm working in the field.
So pick one of them.
Which one do you like more? vince is great, you know? Because he's, like, a "guy" guy.
He's just so burly, so very burly.
Okay, good.
So there you go.
Go with vince.
But Jason's really sensitive.
Sensitive is important.
Pick him.
Oh, sure.
Go with the sissy.
Jason is not a sissy.
I meant Chandler.
You know, I have dinner plans.
Thank you so much for coming on such a short notice.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been practicing medicine for 23 years.
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and I'm stumped.
Okay, this is the den.
All right, check this out.
Lights! All right, less lights! Bad lights! Lights, go away! See? You just need the right command.
And the dimmer switch.
For a rich guy, that's a small Tv.
That's the video phone.
But you shouldn't be here.
So don't touch anything.
IKEA, this is comfortable! This place is amazing! -Oh, God! That's the nicest kitchen.
-I know.
It's the nicest kitchen.
The refrigerator told me to have a great day.
Look, a millionaire's checkbook.
Joey, put that down.
Oh, my God, that's Pete.
Get out! How the hell do you answer a video phone? I guess that's how.
Monica, how's it going? Oh, it's good.
It's good.
Just here, watering the plants.
Don't forget that ficus there by Rachel.
Chandler's on the couch! I see him.
You guys are the worst hiders, ever.
-Hi.
-How you doing? The other day when you said you needed to talk.
.
.
.
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just so I know, is it good news or bad news? It's good news.
It's definitely good news.
Hold on a second, I have another call.
How's it going? It's still me.
I've got picture-in-picture here.
I'm gonna have to call you back later.
Monica? You.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
So I'll see you soon.
-Okay.
I love you.
-I love you.
We love you too! Well, it's good news.
It's good news.
-What do you think the good news is? -Look at this! He wrote a check for $50,000 to "Hugo Lindgren's Ring Design.
" Sorry.
What do you think the good news is? Oh, my! Monica's gonna marry a millionaire! You gotta get Mom on the phone! Call Mom! Call Mom! And that's Pete's mom.
You have to make it a theme wedding.
And the theme could be: "Look How Much Money We've Got! " I mean, you could put money in the invitations.
You could have, like, little-money place settings.
And you could start with a money salad.
I mean, it'll be dry, but people will like it.
Would you stop? We've only gone out a couple of weeks.
We don't know if he'll propose.
But this is Pete.
He's not like other people.
On your first date, you went to Rome.
For most guys, that's like a third or fourth date kind of thing.
Well, if that's what it is, then it's crazy.
Monica's right.
We're talking about marriage here.
She can't just rush into this.
What do you know? You married a lesbian! I gotta go.
I have to break up with vince.
So you're going with the teacher? I like vince a lot, you know? But Jason is so sensitive.
In the long run, I think sensitive is better than having.
.
.
.
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a really, really, really nice body.
Jason.
Definitely Jason.
-Wish me luck! -Good luck! Oh, my God! Sorry.
I was imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet.
Excuse me.
Is vince here? Oh, sure.
I didn't know you guys actually used those.
So what's up? This isn't gonna be easy.
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Good deal.
I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
It's just that I thought we had something pretty special here.
I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to.
There's so much in me I haven't shared with you yet.
My God! I didn't know you were so-- I'm sorry.
I can't talk.
I'm gonna go write in my journal.
Wait! Wait! Wait! If you wanna take care of that thing, go see my herbal guy.
Thanks.
But I wanna remove it, not make it savory.
When girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body.
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they tell their friends about it.
Give me that.
Okay, don't be mad at me, but I couldn't resist.
Bride's Magazines? I know you said you'd say no if he asked you.
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but how great would you look walking down the aisle.
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in this Donna Karan? You so would! You should get that anyway.
Well, for clubbing.
It is so weird.
I know what I said.
But this morning.
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I was lying in bed, imagining what it'd be like to say yes.
I know it's a little sudden, and it's rushed.
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and it's not like me to do something like this.
But it doesn't mean I can't.
Right? I mean, I'm crazy about Pete.
And I know that we want the same things.
And when I thought about saying yes.
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it made me really happy.
Oh, my God! I know.
I need more pie.
Mon, if you do get married, can I bring two guests? You didn't break up with that fireman? That was my way of telling you.
Well, it turns out he's incredibly sensitive.
He keeps a journal and he paints.
He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.
He'd prefer watercolors, but he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.
So will you dump Jason? Yeah, because I have to break up with someone.
So Jason is sensitive.
But now, so is vince.
Plus, vince has the body.
You know? So.
.
.
.
It's really just about the math.
Come on in.
You sounded serious on the phone.
Is anything wrong? You must be Ross.
I am Guru Saj.
Listen, I gotta tell you, I've never been to a guru before, so.
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.
Well, relax.
If it makes you feel any better, I've attended.
.
.
.
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.
fine medical schools in Central America.
Well, let's take a look at this skin abnormality of yours.
Come on, have a seat.
As I suspected, it's a kundus.
What's a "kundus"? I don't know.
What's a kundus with you? Please lie down.
I've got a salve that ought to shrink that right up.
I guess it's worth a try.
Sure.
We should see results-- Clearly not the way to go! What? What? We appear to have angered it.
We? We angered it? I think I see the problem.
And I'm afraid we're gonna have to use a much stronger tool.
Love.
Oh, God! There is absolutely no way this is gonna come off.
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unless you start to.
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.
What was that? Well, it's gone.
How's that? Got caught in my watch.
Lights.
Romantic lights.
Nice.
So there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh, right.
I'd completely forgot about that.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
And I look at my life.
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and I feel like I've conquered the business world.
And I feel like I've conquered the intellectual world.
And now I have the most beautiful woman in the world.
But there's one thing missing.
What's that? It's time for me to conquer the physical world.
I wanna become.
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the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
You wanna what? I wanna be the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
It's the most intense physical competition in the world.
It's banned in 49 states.
What are you talking about? My trainer, Hoshi, is teaching me.
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.
Jeet Kune Do and Brazilian streetfighting.
I even had my own octagon training ring designed.
And I suppose you used a ring designer for that.
I want you there, in the front row, when I win.
I want you close enough to smell the blood.
What do you think? My parents will be so happy.
Crazy underwear Creeping up my butt Crazy underwear Always in a rut Crazy underwear What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing.
You'll get through this.
You'll be fine.
Okay, thank you.
And as always, no one talk to me after the show.
I was passing by and saw you were playing.
This is cool, seeing you up there.
What's going on here? Who's this guy? I don't know! He just started kissing me.
Get him, vince! What? I've been dating both of you.
And it's been really horrible, because it's been.
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a lot of fun for me.
But I like you both.
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and I didn't know how to choose.
So I'm sorry.
I'm terrible.
I'm a terrible person.
Relax.
It's okay.
I mean.
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.
We never said this was exclusive.
Neither did we.
So give yourself a break.
Really? We haven't been going out that long.
Come on, we haven't even slept together yet.
You haven't? You have? Well, this is none of my business.
I can't believe this! You slept with him? Well, I made you a candlelight dinner in the park.
I'm gonna make this real easy for you.
That could've been really awkward.
You made him a candlelight dinner in the park? Yeah, but I can do that for you.
I'm gonna do that for you.
I can't believe I went out with somebody.
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who'd have an open flame in the middle of a wooded area! Everything's gonna be all right.
Okay, Dick? Hello.
I am Guru Saj.
He's a duck, right? Because otherwise.
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this is way out of my league.
He's got a really bad cough, and our vet can't stop it.
Is there something you can do? Let me see.
Let me see.
Do you think you could get him to eat a bat? Do you think there's a town in Missouri or someplace.
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called Sample? And as you' re driving into the town, there's a sign and it says: "You' re in Sample.
" -How did it go with Pete? -Tell us.
You' re not gonna believe this.
So I go-- I' m sorry.
Excuse us.
-It's a little crowded.
Do you mind? -Could you skooch? Move over just a little bit.
Keep on skooching.
So, guys, listen.
I go over there and, you know, I' m-- Why? What is wrong with me? -What's the matter? -Tim.
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I have a feeling.
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my wife is sleeping with her gynecologist.
How do you know? -He's got access.
-I know.
It's a feeling you get.
Like when you' re in somebody else's bowling shoes? That's the one.
-So you went to Pete's.
-What happened? Why is this happening to me? Maybe it's my wound.
Forget it.
It's not healed yet? It's oozing! Would you pass the cream? There's the cream.
Thank you very much.
Tomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me.
-What is it? -I've been sleeping with your wife.
You' re the gynecologist? I' m trying to have a private conversation.
Can I have a napkin? Could you please hand me a napkin? Just give me the thing, all right? Enough! And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! Nada! No more! You are a bastard for doing that! Stay away from me! Come back! So what were you gonna tell us? I have no idea.
The One With the Ultimate Fighting Champion GELULA & CO.
, INC.
What was the big news Pete wanted to tell you? Or should I say, "Mrs.
Monica Becker"? Oh, keep your name.
Don't take his name.
He didn't ask me to marry him.
Then definitely don't take his name! He wanted to tell me he's going to compete in some Ultimate.
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Fighting Competition thingy.
-Pete? -Why? What is it? I don't know exactly.
It's sort of like wrestling.
But without the costumes.
And it's not fake.
It's totally brutal.
It's two guys in the ring and the rules are, "There are no rules" ! You can bite and pull people's hair and stuff? Anything goes except eye-gouging and fish-hooking.
-What's fish-hooking? -What's fish-hook-- Thanks.
That would have been hard to describe.
What is that taste? My hands are totally clean.
I just gave the duck a bath.
Thanks for the warm welcome.
It's good to have you guys on my team.
I come to play.
I hope you do too.
Let's go out there and get them! And remember: There is no "I" in "team.
" Yes, but there's two in "martini.
" So, everybody, back to my office.
You! Chuckles.
What's your name? It's Bing, sir.
I' m sorry.
I was just.
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.
No, no.
I heard what you said.
Funny.
I like funny.
This team's about hard work, but it's also about having fun.
Good to have you aboard, Bing! That's right.
Ryder.
Winona Ryder for six.
Thank you.
Yeah.
We have the reservations.
All right, buddy! Way to go! Dude, what are you doing? Thank you.
My boss keeps slapping my butt, and acting like it's no big deal.
What'd you do about it? I didn't do anything.
I didn't want to be the guy.
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who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.
I gotta tell you, I think it's okay to be that guy.
Maybe it's that jock thing.
You know, how football players pat each other after touchdowns.
You know, I don't understand guys.
I mean, I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew.
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by, you know, grabbing her boob.
I know.
For a really great stew, you'd just.
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stick your head in between them.
Can we please go eat? -Yeah, what are we getting? -Anything but stew.
So from now on, don't give your boss a chance to get you.
Don't turn your back to him.
Or you could teach him a lesson, you know? What you do is rub something that smells really bad on your butt, right? Then, when he goes to smack you, his hand will smell.
Now, what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad? What if Joey was President? Can I ask you something? Okay, you can totally say no.
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but would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a date? With who? My friend Bonnie.
She always thought Ross was cute.
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and she asked if I could set it up.
-But if that's not cool.
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-Which one is Bonnie? You remember her from my birthday party? Average height.
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medium build, bald.
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That's fine.
Great! Okay! Good for you! All right! You are iron! You are steel! Let me ask you, how come when I call your computer support line.
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I have to wait an hour and a half? We' re adding operators all the time.
Could we concentrate on my training? It's just hard when I know I have e-mail I can't get.
Hi, honey.
On the table.
On the table, please.
So listen, my friends were telling me a little bit about.
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this Ultimate Fighting thing.
It sounds really dangerous.
I don't want you to get hurt because I kind of like you.
I don't want to get hurt either.
I' m being smart about this.
See these guys? They' re the best trainers in the world.
And Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin.
A house painter! He used to be a house painter! -Promise me you'll be careful.
-I promise.
Are we still on for tonight? Good.
Because.
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maybe we could have a little workout of our own.
No boom-boom before big fight! How about just a boom? That was depressing.
I just bought a pretzel.
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from one of the kids from Fame.
Ready to go to the movies? Oh, this is Bonnie! This is Bonnie? This is Bonnie? You' re Bonnie? I can show you an l.
D.
if you want.
Oh, no.
You look a lot different than the last time I saw you.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I just started wearing bras again.
Oh, that must be it.
Have fun tonight.
Thanks.
You too.
You said she was bald.
She was bald.
She's not now.
How could you not tell me she has hair? I don't know.
I hardly ever say that about people.
Oh, well this is just perfect! Well, I' m sorry.
I thought you said it was okay.
I said it was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick.
That girl has got hair all over her head! -Maybe Ross won't like her personality.
-Does she have a bad personality? Oh, no, Bonnie's the best! Bing! Read your CompuTek proposal.
Real home run.
Barely got you that time.
Get over here! Come on.
Oh, yeah! Good one.
That was a good one.
Keep at it, team! -What is with him? -"With him"? You' re his favorite.
You' re his guy! We never get smacked.
That's not true.
He smacked you once.
Not on purpose.
He ricocheted off you and got me.
I' m telling you, I need some smacks.
I got a kid starting Dartmouth.
Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks! -You go to Dartmouth? -No, sir.
There you go! God, Ross! What is that? The Ultimate Fighting Combo.
I saved 30 cents.
Plus, I get to keep the cup.
From New York City, New York.
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appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut.
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he's known for his confrontational business style! Ladies and gentlemen, introducing.
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Pete Becker! I love you, Pete! And his opponent, from Huntington Beach, California.
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he's a 300-pound streetfighter.
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Tank Abbott! Pete? Pete? -That guy's pretty huge.
-Don't worry.
I'll use his strength and weight against him.
Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble.
You go get him.
Let's go! Here we go, gentlemen.
Are you ready? Are you ready? Then let's get it on! It's me.
Monica.
Can I just tell you how proud I am of you? It would be nice after hearing I thought you were nuts at first.
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but you did it.
Now you can just look back at this with no regrets.
Look back? You' re not gonna keep going? Let me ask you a question: Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion? Well, no.
But-- I' m not gonna stop until I' m the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
That guy stood on your neck until you passed out.
Let me tell you a story.
When I set out to create MOSS 865, do you think it happened overnight? No.
There was MOSS 1 that burned down my dad's garage.
There was MOSS 2 that would only schedule appointments in January.
And 862 others that I learned from.
Just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.
You didn't know that already? Look, I' m gonna get better.
Okay? I promise you.
Just get a lot better.
Fast.
One other thing.
Hoshi thinks you being ringside may have affected my concentration.
That was the problem.
-How long until Pete's fight? -About five minutes.
They' re interviewing his opponent.
Apparently, he trains by going to lran and pulling the arms off thieves.
-Hot dog? -Four, please.
I' m really nervous.
Thank you.
So how did it go with Bonnie? Oh, I gotta tell you, I wasn't expecting to like her at all.
I actually wasn't expecting to like anyone right now.
But she's really terrific.
It's too bad.
No, I' m saying I liked her.
There are other fish in the sea.
I think she's great, okay? We' re going out again.
I hear you.
Are you capable of talking about anything else? Which one's my turkey burger? The one next to my foot.
Sorry.
-Fight's starting! -We'll be right in.
So did your boss try to slap you again today? Nine times.
I had to put on lotion.
But it'll be okay.
Tomorrow, I conduct an experiment.
And if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack-free.
Fight's over! Excuse me, Doug? Hey there, sports fan! Bing! You got those numbers for me? No.
I didn't do them.
You forgot? No, I just didn't do them.
Instead, I hung out with some friends and had a couple of beers.
So I certainly don't deserve praise.
verbal.
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or otherwise.
I got tanked myself last night.
Pretty dicey drive home.
Tappan Zee Bridge never looked smaller.
That's okay.
You' re still my number-one guy! Bing! Doug! I' m a little bit uncomfortable with the way that you express yourself.
Is it the swearing? ls it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell you, if it is, you can just kiss my ass! It's not about the swearing.
It's more about.
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the way that you occasionally.
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concentrate your enthusiasm.
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on my buttocks.
Don't get me wrong.
I appreciate the sentiment.
It's just that I have a rather sensitive posterior.
And besides, it's making all the other guys jealous.
Well, say no more.
You know, it takes guts to bring this up.
Bing, you' re okay.
Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant.
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or inside his shower drain? Oh, my God.
Look.
It's Ross and that girl.
Look at that! It's a line of ants! They' re working as a team! Right.
Oh, yeah.
It looks like Ross is breaking up with her.
I hope he lets her down easy.
Look at that! They are not breaking up! Look at them! You know what that is? A second date, that's what that is.
Look, she just put her hand on his thigh.
That's nothing.
She's very sexually aggressive.
Oh, God! It's your fault.
Now he loves her.
He'll marry her.
It's all your fault.
You said it was okay.
You said she was bald! Was! Was, was, was! We can't let it happen.
We have to do something.
We have to break them up.
Just go in there and shave her head! You owe me one bald girl! Okay, first of all, breathe.
Second of all, I don't get it.
Aren't you the one that decided you didn't want to be with Ross? Well, isn't he your friend? Don't you want him to be happy? So? It's just, you know, I didn't expect him to be this happy so soon.
-Oh, no.
-What? We killed them all! It's not as bad as it looks.
It's a precaution.
I' m not supposed to move my spine.
Please tell me you' re stopping now.
I' m fine.
I'd fight tonight if they'd let me.
Now, see this circle I' m marking off here? This is my Zone of Terror.
You are insane! You've got to give this up! I can't until I' m the Ultimate Fighter.
I will do it.
The day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight.
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me or Superman.
Not that I could beat Superman, but kids are stupid.
Just sit down.
Please listen to me.
You are terrible at this, okay? You are the worst Ultimate Fighter ever.
Ever! I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm.
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and a severely bruised Adam's apple, but that really hurt.
Well, then, you know what? I care about you too much to watch you hurt yourself like this.
So if you have to do this, you'll have to do it without me.
If you' re asking me to quit.
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then you' re asking me to be someone I' m not.
I've got to do this.
Then I've gotta go.
Bye.
Could you leave a note? I' m on painkillers.
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and I might not remember this tomorrow.
So, in conclusion, the lines all go up, so I' m happy.
Great job, team! Tomorrow at 8:30.
Phil, nice job! Stevens, way to go! Goldberg, you maniac! I love you! -Couldn't have done it without you.
-Thank you, sir.
Oh, excuse me.
I forgot my briefcase, you know, by accident.
Of course, you did.
Forgot something else too, you bastard! Well, what about you? You' re not feeling left out, are you? No, not at all.
That's ridiculous.
Everybody else got one, and you want one too.
Don't you? Yes, I do.
Now, get on out of here, you! Pete Becker circles the ring.
Looks like he's just trying to feel him out.
Bruiser is charging! Run, you crazy, rich freak! I can't watch this.
Check it out! Pete's winning! Really? Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favorite area! Wait! lf that's his favorite area, why is he being so mean to it? This is ironic.
Your last boyfriend, Richard, didn't want to have kids.
And from the looks of it, now Pete can't.
So your first sexual experience was with a woman? I was 1 5.
It was my best friend, Ruth.
And we got drunk on that hard cider.
And then suddenly, we were making out.
Tell it again.
Seriously.
Can that woman talk about anything else but sex? Yeah, sure.
Earlier she was talking about geography.
She was listing the countries she's done it in.
I think we all learned something.
Hey, you guys! Look what I found! That's my mom's writing.
Look.
"Me and Frank and Phoebe, graduation, 1 965.
" -Do you know what that means? -That you're actually 50? That's not "me" Phoebe.
That's her pal, Phoebe.
According to her yearbook, they were BFF.
Best Friends Forever.
That's great! I know! She probably has all kinds of stories about my parents.
She might know where my dad is.
I looked her up.
She lives by the beach.
Maybe this weekend we can go there.
-Shoot, I can't go.
I have to work.
-That's too bad.
Big fat bummer.
So tomorrow we'll drive out to Montauk.
Hey, Bonnie had sex there! The One At the Beach GELULA & CO.
, INC.
Would you look at them? I'm never gonna find a boyfriend again.
I'm gonna die an old maid.
You're not gonna die an old maid.
Maybe an old spinster cook.
-Thanks.
-Besides, worse comes to worse.
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I'll be your boyfriend.
Yeah, right.
Why is that so funny? You made a joke, right? So I laughed.
A little too hard.
Am I not boyfriend material? You're Chandler.
You know.
Chandler! Okay, so we've established my name, and hit me.
But say we weren't friends.
Say it's a blind date.
I show up at your door and I'm, like, "Hey, nice to meet you.
" I'd probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.
Oh, good.
You bought food.
No, just my luggage.
I am having the best karma this week.
I find this woman who knew my parents.
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and then my client gives me his beach house.
What about that bike messenger you hit? Oh, I wasn't talking about his karma.
Hey, check out the hat! Wait a minute, I know that hat.
I was taken aboard that hat.
They did experiments on me.
I can't have children! Seriously, where did you get the hat? Ross gave it to me.
I think she looks good.
Did he buy it for you.
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or win it for you? Excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends.
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I'm here to tell you hats are back.
And this time, they've ganged up and formed one giant super-hat.
Go, go, go! Now everybody wants to be under the hat! What's with all this sand? Bob said there might be flood damage.
Either that or he has a really big cat.
It's kind of an unusual house.
It has three beautiful bedrooms and no baths.
But, you know, the ocean is right there.
Knock, knock, knock.
Hang on.
Come in, come in.
Think about it and call me back.
Are you Phoebe Abbott? Surprise, Phoebe Abbott! I'm your best friend's daughter! You're lrwin's daughter? I mean your old best friend.
Here.
-Lily? From high school? Remember? -Oh, God, Lily.
Yes.
Of course I remember Lily.
Then you must be-- Phoebe, Phoebe.
She named me after you, I guess.
Wow.
Well.
Look, there's Frank! Yeah! Yes! Yes, yes! That's my dad.
That's Frank! I'm sorry I'm getting all flingy.
Take it easy.
If you want, there's cookies.
Or sangria! I could make sangria! Sorry.
Cookies are good, thanks.
Anyway, I've been looking for my father.
-Have you heard from him or seen him? -Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I lost track of everybody after high school.
Well, so tell me everything about my parents.
Everything.
Oh, well, you know, we were always together.
-The other kids had a nickname for us.
-What was it? The Three Losers.
Oh, poor Lily.
I heard what happened.
That must have been just terrible for you.
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Iosing your mother that way.
Yeah, no, it was great.
You know what a really good rainy-day game is? I mean, naked game.
We should play strip poker.
Are you crazy? Come on.
When you go away, you have to play.
It's, like, a law.
-All done.
-Thank you.
Okay.
Who's next? No way! Come on, please.
I'm bored.
You let me do it once before.
Well, if that's the rule this weekend.
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.
-Get away.
-Take it like a man.
Come on! Big bullies! How are we doing? Bored and bored.
You know what naked card game's never boring? So what's Phoebe like? I'm kind, caring and sweet.
What's Monica like? No, the other Phoebe.
The one you went to see? I think she knows where my dad is! Cool! Where is he? She was pretending she hasn't heard from him.
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but I found this picture.
Isn't this what he would look like now? Totally familiar.
Why would she lie to you? We're having dinner tomorrow.
Maybe she'll tell me then.
Maybe she just wanted to give him time.
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to buy me presents.
I don't know.
So you're all bored? I'll close my eyes and point to someone.
Whoever it is.
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has to think of something fun to do.
And we have to do it.
Okay! Fan out! Fan out! You know, we could just do this! We all have to play strip poker? Strip Happy Days Game? I couldn't find cards, so it was this or Strip Bag-Of-Old-Knitting-Stuff.
Done.
"Fonzie gives you two thumbs up.
Collect two cool points.
" Get five points, you get to make someone take off one item of clothing.
It hasn't happened yet, but we're very excited.
Okay, come on.
Daddy needs a new electromagnetic microscope for Prehistoric Forensics.
"Take Pinky Tuscadero up to lnspiration Point.
Collect three cool points.
" Yeah! Which gives me five.
And let's see, who is gonna lose their clothes? I think I pick our strip poker sponsor, Mr.
Joey Tribbiani.
All right, relax.
It's just a shoe.
"Your band is playing at Arnold's.
Collect three cool points.
" Which means I have five and that means I get Joey's boxers.
Fine.
Gang up on me.
I got you all, right where I want you.
Come on! Take them off! Actually, it's kind of cold.
What if I keep them on and give you a peek at the good stuff? I'm gonna make more margaritas.
What are you doing? Trying to get me drunk? I'm just making margaritas.
Think I'll help her out.
What is going on here? What? You're painting his toenails.
Chasing him around the room.
Monica, please.
He's totally flirting with you too.
He is, isn't he? I don't know.
Maybe it's just being here at the beach together.
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but it's like something-- Hi, Bonnie.
My boss let me off early, so I took the train.
What are you guys doing? We're playing Strip Happy Days Game.
Cool! I'll catch up! So you still don't think.
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I'm boyfriend material? I saw you checking me out during the game last night.
You didn't even take off your pants.
Lucky for you.
-What? -I don't know.
Well, is everybody else having just the best time? Joey's asleep.
He passed out.
We put sand around him to keep him warm.
Well, I assume the happy couple isn't up yet? Did you guys hear them last night? I don't know what they were doing, but sea turtles came up to the house.
Good morning.
-How'd you sleep? -Great.
Like a log.
Us too.
I'm going for a walk.
Good morning.
Nice breasts by the way.
Hey, what happened to you? Oh, nothing.
I just felt like hanging out and reading.
The water was so great.
We jumped off this pier and my suit came off.
Sorry I missed that.
Joey and Chandler sure are funny.
I brought back half the beach in my hair.
It was easier when I shaved my head.
You know, I gotta tell you.
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I just loved your look when you were bald.
Really? I think about shaving it again sometimes.
Really? You definitely should do that.
You know what? I should do it! You know what? Thank you.
You are so cool.
Oh, stop.
Go on.
-Now go shave that head.
-All right.
What's the matter? She canceled.
My namesake canceled on me.
She claims she had to go out of town.
She's avoiding me.
She doesn't want to tell me where my father is.
She knows! Pheebs, that sucks.
Well, don't "Pheebs, that sucks" me yet.
-Where are you going? -She's out of town.
Something in her house will tell me where he is.
Some people call that "breaking and entering.
" Well, are any of those people here? Look, I'll do something nice, okay? I'll fill her ice trays.
Good? Hey, everybody! Look what you did! You wanna touch it? No, but it's great.
Come on, touch it.
You can feel all the bones in your skull.
I was having a little chat with Bonnie, and guess what? She brought up who was behind the head-shaving idea.
And now, who was it? Oh, that's right.
It was you! That was her idea.
I just gave her a nudge.
She said you gave her the razor.
So anyone up for a midnight dip? -No, I'm good.
-No, thanks.
-Okay, I'll see you in a bit.
-Okay, have fun.
Come on, see? She doesn't look that bad.
You can see the moonlight bouncing off her head! What were you thinking? I don't know.
You balded my girlfriend! All right.
Do you think it's easy for me to see you with somebody else? You're the one who ended it! Because I was mad at you! Not because I stopped loving you! You still love me? You still love me.
Yeah, so? You love me.
What does this mean? I mean, do you want to get back together? No! Maybe! I don't know.
I still can't forgive you for what you did.
But sometimes when I'm with you, I just feel so.
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.
What? I just feel.
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.
-I just-- -What? I feel-- No! I don't care! I'm not playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice! But I made cards! Good night.
I'm going upstairs.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Wanna play strip poker for practice? My ass! Oh, it's me! It's me! -I didn't wanna make any noise! -Then don't break in! -I'm sorry! -What are you doing here? I came to fill your ice cube tray.
What? Okay, look.
I took this picture from your fridge.
I know that this is my father.
This is Frank Buffay, and you were standing next to him! I deserve to know where I came from.
So if you can help me find my father, then you should.
Otherwise, you're just mean.
So just tell me the truth.
All right.
The man in that picture is Chuck Mangione.
My father is Chuck Mangione? That's just Chuck Mangione.
I sold him a house last year.
And I'm very sorry, but I really don't know where your father is.
And that's the truth.
But you're right.
I think a person should know where they come from.
Which is why l.
.
.
.
I'm your mother.
I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I just.
.
.
.
.
.
felt all floopy, and.
.
.
.
You guys are getting back together.
She doesn't even know what she wants.
Rachel's still mad at me.
Then you gotta back away.
You don't need that kind of hurt.
Take it from a guy who's.
.
.
.
.
.
never had a long-term relationship.
I know, but I really want to go up there and finish that kiss.
The water is great.
You should go in.
No, thanks.
I just had an M&M.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Don't be too long.
Okey-dokey.
There is not one hair on that head.
It'll grow back, right? And she's really fun, and she's cool.
And I'm finally moving on.
Getting over Rachel was so-- I'm finally feeling sane.
And if I go up there.
.
.
.
.
.
and I kiss her.
.
.
.
God, I want to kiss her! And it doesn't work out.
Do I wanna put myself through that again? Let me get this straight.
If you go with Bonnie, you do the smart, healthy thing and move on.
Right? And if you go with Rachel, Bonnie's free tonight? Hi there.
That's that weird voice again.
Let me try it again.
You'll wanna date this next guy, I swear! Hi, I'm Dorf! Your date for the evening.
Oh, come on.
Dorf on dating? That's good stuff!