Get Smart (1965) s03e24 Episode Script

I'm being followed by a CONTROL agent - disguised as an ice cream vendor.
- All right, quick, inside.
I'll divert him, and meet you in the communications room.
Right.
( bell ringing ) Say, did you just see a guy run by here? - Can you describe him? - Describe him, yes-- - he was wearing thick glasses.
- A man with thick glasses.
Yes.
He ordered tutti-frutti and I gave him pistachio by mistake.
As a matter of fact I did.
I think he ran across the street to that bakery.
Across the street to the bakery.
Thank you very much.
( ringing resumes ) ( ringing ) Hello? This is a fine time for the Chief to be out.
Where is he? The Chief is out on a case, Max.
I'm sitting in for him.
Listen, 99.
I just followed a KAOS agent to their secret communication headquarters on Z Street.
It's a bakery.
I'm gonna crack this case wide open.
Max, listen.
The Chief is-- There's no time to wait, 99.
I wanna catch him red-handed.
Besides, my phone is melting.
All right, fella, get 'em up! Come on, up! I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to take a number and wait your turn.
There's somebody ahead of you.
Thank you very, very much.
Number seven, huh? All right, fella, I'm finished fooling around with you.
Where did you hide the communications equipment? I don't know what you're talking about.
- That bread-- - Yeah? I'm having spaghetti for dinner tonight.
This should go very good with it.
The old "communications- equipment- in-the-French-bread" trick.
Max, what on earth are you doing? Just destroying some KAOS communication equipment, Chief.
By the way, what are you doing in a KAOS bakery? This is not a KAOS bakery-- it's a CONTROL bakery, and you have just smashed CONTROL's triangulation equipment.
- This is a CONTROL bakery? - Yes! Oh.
Well, in that case, I'll have a prune danish, and a strawberry chiffon pie.
You just fouled up Operation Sourdough! Well, Chief, you're not going to tell the White House about this, are you? I don't see how I can avoid it.
You know how the President's been concerned about Operation Sourdough.
He's expecting a report today.
Smart on radio: Listen, Chief, put in a good word for me when you talk to the President.
I'm sorry I blew the job, but it's not all my fault.
After all, you did give me the assignment.
Chief on radio: I'll do what I can, Max.
Come on.
Let's get back to CONTROL.
I have to make that call.
They're going to call the White House.
What they don't know is we've tapped into their hotline.
This is the break we've been waiting for.
Right, Mr.
President? ( mimics President Johnson ) My good friends, according to the latest poll which I've just taken, I must announce, with a heavy heart, that CONTROL will soon be out of business.
( theme music playing ) ( tires screech ) Chief, do we have to call the President now? Couldn't we put it off for, say, a month or two? Max, he's waiting for a report.
There's no way to avoid it.
Chief, as a favor to me, go easy on Max.
As a favor to me too.
Gorshen as Johnson: Good afternoon, Thaddeus.
Let us reason together.
Good afternoon, Mr.
President.
I have a preliminary report on Operation Sourdough.
Good.
Have you located KAOS' communications center? Well, sir, we had a little setback.
Due to a mix-up, we lost our bakery cover, and our triangulation equipment was smashed.
This is terrible.
Is Smart there? Yes, sir, but in defense of Smart, I must remind you that he's solved an impressive number of cases.
Thaddeus, kindly refrain from flapping your gums and put me on conference call.
I have something to say to you and Smart.
He wants to talk to both of us.
( whirring ) Mr.
President, I can explain everything that happened.
You don't have to, son.
As for you, Thaddeus, I'm relieving you of your post.
As of this moment, you are no longer Chief of CONTROL.
I'm busting you to Agent Second Class.
- But-- - No buts.
You can't make mistakes on this job.
You're not the State Department, you know.
As for you, Smart, in recognition of your fine record, as of this moment, you are now Chief of CONTROL.
( silent ) Yes, you.
And use all measures you deem necessary to make that organization function properly.
I'm sending you my efficiency expert, Matt Brady to assist you.
Give him all the cooperation you can.
- Have you got that? - Yes, sir.
Good.
And now, as my old pappy used to say, "Head 'em up, and move 'em out.
" Worked like a charm.
Right! Brady, now it's up to you.
I want every CONTROL file on microfilm.
Do you have the equipment? - I'm all set.
- Right.
Tie camera.
Ring camera.
When I get through with CONTROL, there won't be a secret left.
( whirring ) I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
Well, don't take it so hard, Chief.
They couldn't have picked a better man.
There'll be a few things that you'll be needing-- here's my Chief's badge, my codebook-- Yes, I'll be needing the keys to your apartment too, Chief.
That's government property.
You can use mine until you find something else.
You're all heart, Max.
If you'll excuse me, I'll go move.
Just a moment.
I don't think we should call you "Chief" from now on.
That wouldn't be proper.
What was your old number? - Q.
- "Q"? Yes.
I was an agent before they switched to numbers.
Yes.
Well, "Q" it is.
Now if you two will excuse me, I think I'd better get things in order, but I want you here bright and early in the morning.
I want this place hopping at 6:00! - Oh, Max-- - You can call me Chief, 99.
We've known each other a long time, Chief, and I hope you're not going to make too many changes.
Don't worry, 99.
This job is not going to go to my head.
three, four, hup! Three, four! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four, rear, march! Full ahead flank, harch.
Right flank, harch.
Left flank, harch.
Report, report, report, report, platoon halt! That's terrific, men.
Now you're really getting into the swing of things.
Okay, let's line up for deep knee bends! He's gotta be kidding! We won't have an agent left if he keeps this up.
All right, deep knee bends! Hup, two, three, four, up and down and up and down and up and down-- come on, get down there! I can't take any more of this.
Can you? All right, mister, I heard that.
That will cost you three demerits.
All right, men, that's enough.
Can we go back to our offices now, Max-- uh, Chief? You'll go back to your offices when I say you'll go back to your offices.
All right, men, let's line up for inspection.
About face! One step backward, take! All right, let's get that chest in, that chin out.
All right, Stafford, get that gut in.
All right, Mr.
Brady, step forward.
Gentlemen, I would like you to meet Mr.
Brady, our new Presidential Assistant.
You will give him complete cooperation, and access to all CONTROL files.
All right Larrabee, take Brady and show him around.
Right, Chief.
This way, Brady.
All right, the rest of you men are dismissed.
Okay, let's go, let's go! Move out! Come on, come on, old timer, move out! Move out, move! Good morning, Chief.
Well in case you're interested, it's 7:00.
You people aren't in the army, you know.
You can't just come rolling in here any time you feel like it.
Our day starts here at 6:00! Sorry about that, Chief.
I was delayed by your former landlady-- a little matter of two months' back rent you owed.
And 99 was kind enough to drive me down here because you found it necessary to take my car.
Well, those are your own personal problems.
I can't get involved in those.
You'll have to work them out for yourself.
You'd better punch in.
You're docked one hour.
Chief, I'd like to talk to you.
All right, but make it snappy.
I don't have all day.
I have to clean up a big mess that was left here by my predecessor.
I'd like to take another crack at Operation Sourdough.
My predecessor left that in kind of a mess.
And you think you can do better? - I can try.
- Give him another chance, Chief.
Well, all right.
But don't mess it up.
I'd hate to have to tell the President that you blew another one.
What's your plan of operation? Well, 99, I think that KAOS is somehow connected to The Mustache Cup.
I plan to get a job there as a singing waiter.
Oh, I didn't know you could sing! Yes, I used to be soloist with the college glee club.
Oh.
As a matter of fact, when I sang a certain note in a certain way, I was able to shatter a glass.
That's marvelous.
Do you think you can still do it? I don't know, it's been some time.
Well, why don't you give it a try? Who knows? You may need a new career.
All right, here goes.
Ah-hh! Amazing! Yes, it certainly is amazing.
That'll be $40 for the mirror, not to mention the seven years' bad luck.
That started yesterday.
( clicks ) These drawers are in the worst shape I've ever seen anything in my life.
The Chief was really a slob! What's this sandwich doing here? You put that there yesterday, Chief, while you were only Max.
Well, Max couldn't afford to eat out.
The Chief can.
Chief, Brady's going though everything with a fine-tooth comb.
Are you sure you can trust him? I can trust him like I trust "L.
" - "L"? - LBJ.
- We're on a first-name basis now.
- Oh.
How's everything coming, Brady? This should just about do it.
Just a minute, Brady.
Yes? I forgot this.
It's a photo file with the name of every CONTROL agent, his position, and his assignment.
This should wrap it up very nicely.
Yes, I though so.
Now when your boss hears about my cooperation, who knows what he might have in mind for me? We kill him, of course.
Smart's the only one who can identify all three of us.
Well, I'd better get downstairs.
I'm breaking in a new waiter tonight.
Mr.
Gorshen, the couple at that table over there asked for a bottle of Chateau Marcel '63.
- Where do I find that? - In the wine room, Irving.
- Door at the end of the hall.
- Thank you, sir.
Not that door, Irving.
The other one.
Oh.
Thank you.
( phone rings ) Chief Smart here.
- Chief, this is Agent Q.
- Smart: Who? - Q! - Oh, it's you, Q.
- What's new? - I'm at The Mustache Cup.
I'm sure that the KAOS communications center - is located here.
- Good work, Q.
If that is the KAOS communications center, from this moment on, you'll be facing torture and death.
And loving it.
Well, Brady, how would you like to see our organization in action? I'd love to.
Good.
I just got a call from one of our agents.
He thinks he's stumbled onto the KAOS communications center in a place called "The Mustache Cup.
" Oh, which agent was that? I don't think I'm going to tell you that.
You've seen pictures of all our agents, I tell you what I'll do-- I'll bet you $10 you can't crack his disguise.
All right, you got a bet.
Max, that's not fair! He'll never find him.
His picture isn't in the file.
Quiet, 99.
$10 is $10.
Let's go.
Turn around and keep your hands over your head Agent Q.
All right, Q.
This is the end of your assignment.
( hammer clicks, cork pops ) ( singing off-key in foreign language ) ( applause ) Well, Brady? Can you pick out the CONTROL agent? Which one do you think it is? The hat check girl? The woman who just finished singing? The tourist at table 15, or perhaps table 15 itself? Could you excuse me? I think I have to call my wife.
She's expecting me for dinner.
You wanna make it $20, Brady? We can afford it if you can.
Max, you know he can't spot someone he's never seen! Exactly.
Table for two? Make it a table for three.
And a good one, my man, I have an unlimited expense account.
- What are you doing? - Oh, so it's you, Q.
Chief, what a wonderful disguise.
I didn't know you.
How could you? I'm the Chief.
What's new, Q? I've got a KAOS agent tied up in the wine room.
Now that's next door to a guarded door that must lead to the KAOS communications center.
We've got to get in there.
Yes, well, I'll think of a plan later.
Right now, I think you'd better take us to our table.
- But we-- - No buts! Take us to our table.
And remember that your job is hanging by a thread as it is.
This is a very interesting place.
Yes.
Everybody sings-- the customers, waiters, everybody.
I think I'd better take your order before anybody gets suspicious.
Why don't you have the spaghetti? It's only $1.
85.
Oh, good idea, Chief.
Okay, Chief? Don't be ridiculous.
A man in my position has to go first class.
Let's see now.
We'll have the "tornadoes" of beef with "Bernasie" sauce, asparagus "vigganetty," "patty" de foie gras, Cherries Jubilee, and let's see-- for dessert, I think we'll just top it off with three orders of "Maiter de hotel.
" "Maitre d'hotel" means "head waiter," Max.
I know that, 99.
He will be serving us.
Max, that's going to be very expensive! There's no problem.
I found my predecessor's credit cards in his desk.
I'm putting you down for spaghetti, and that's that.
That just goes to show you, 99, give a man an inch, and-- - How does that go? - I don't know, Max.
Hmm-- oh, I know how it goes.
Give a man an inch, and right away he thinks he's a ruler.
We've gotta find that CONTROL agent.
Smart might have pulled a fast one.
There's not one face out there that matches the agent's file.
Where's Bolger? Maybe he has some ideas.
I don't know where he went, but until he gets back we'll get Smart to reveal the name of the spy and then we'll take care of all three.
Well, Brady, you've had a chance to look around.
Who do you think the CONTROL agent is? I've got it.
It's the cigarette girl, right? Wrong.
We don't have any CONTROL agents with legs like that.
Oh, sorry, 99, nothing personal, it's just that I've always thought of you as one of the boys.
I noticed.
Waiter, can't you get anything right? I didn't order any salad.
Compliments of the chef, sir.
It's his specialty.
Note the dressing-- even the aroma has a message.
One sniff and you're in danger of becoming addicted to it.
Really? Well, I don't eat salad.
Eat it.
It's good for you.
Besides, you'll insult the chef if you don't eat it.
Oh.
Well, we wouldn't want to insult the chef.
On second thought, I think we should insult the chef.
This tastes like paper! All right, Irving, it's your turn to sing.
- Huh? - Come on, let's go.
It's part of the job.
You're on! ( music playing ) ( singing French folk song ) ( applause ) Max, did you hear that? Yes, he doesn't have a bad voice, but he's lousy with lyrics! That's the CONTROL singing code! "Curds and whey " means "KAOS agent.
" "Cigarette" means "imposter," and "Wenceslas" means "get away.
" Check, 99, you took the words right out of my mouth.
But who could the KAOS agent be? - Brady? - Yes? Do you have any idea who it is? No, no.
But maybe I'd better look around and see what I can find out.
Excuse me for just a minute.
I'll be right back.
That waiter is the CONTROL agent.
He's trying to warn Smart and 99.
Well, we'll just have to stop him.
( singing continues ) ( all singing ) Max, look! Brady and that other man have guns on the Chief.
Brady must be the KAOS agent! You're right, 99.
Come on, let's go.
( all singing ) Max: So you tapped the hotline and imitated the President's voice.
Well, looks like you're Chief again, Chief.
Just don't sit there, take charge, and get us outta here! All right, Max, I'll take charge, and here's my first order.
Stop flapping your gums! - Now do you wanna talk? - Talk about what? - You have all our files on film.
- Precisely.
We intend to make some money on them before we turn them over to KAOS headquarters.
You'll call the President on the phone, explain the situation.
He'll send us $10 million.
If we don't get the money, KAOS gets the film.
Forget it.
I don't believe you.
And besides, we're not worth $10 million to the government.
Just a moment, Chief, speak for yourself! You may not be worth $10 million to the government, but I consider a crackerjack agent like myself worth more than 10 million! As a matter of fact, I think that 10 million is dirt cheap for me.
If you're not going to call the President, I am.
Max! Don't you dare touch that phone.
That's an order! I'm sorry, Chief, but this is one order I'm gonna have to disobey.
I consider it my duty to my country to try to save us at any cost.
Now if you'll just untie me, I'll make that phone call.
Oh, there's just one small problem.
This hotline won't activate to the White House unless the Chief sings a certain note.
Well, Chief, are you ready to sing for your life? - Max, what-- - You know, Chief, - like you sang in the gym today.
- Come on, sing! All right, if you put it that way.
Ah-ahh ( tinkling ) ( gunshot ) ( shattering ) Oh, Max! How horrible.
Not really, 99.
The window was cracked already from the Chief's high note.
Listen Chief, when you talk to the President, could you put in a good word for me? Well, he did get us out if it, Chief.
All right.
And put in a good word for yourself, Chief.
Tell him what a great singer you are.
No thanks, Max.
I've had enough singing.
Hello, Mr.
President.
I'd like to report that Operation Sourdough-- What? Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Can't get the little fella to sleep, huh? He's babysitting with his grandson.
Well, sir, have you tried hot milk? Didn't work, huh? You want me to what? All right, sir, put him up to the phone.
( singing lullaby ) ( theme music playing )