Hot In Cleveland s03e24 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Melanie, explain yourself.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, I think you do.
Your hair looks amazing.
When was your last blow out? I don't know.
Seven, eight days? Who keeps track? We do, it's been 12 days.
Who is this magical hairdresser? We demand to know who's blowing you.
I'd rather not say.
Why not? Because every time I find a cool, charming Cleveland place, you two do something to ruin it.
What are you talking about? Ray's dry cleaners.
They were trying to devalue my brand.
They just wanted to put your photo on their wall.
I think it's sweet.
Not when the only other headshots on the wall are of their ugly niece and Klinger.
Actually, I think they're both his niece.
Anyway, every time I go in there, Ray asks why you don't come around any more.
It's embarrassing.
Who is Ray? The man who owns "Ray's" dry cleaners.
The place we're talking about.
Oh, come on, Melanie.
That's just Victoria being Victoria.
We all know she can be a cat among pigeons.
English, please.
That is English.
Original English before you people bastardized it with your Hamburgersand elevators.
The point is, I don't ruin places.
You told the manager at Gremore's that they needed to incorporate more vegan dishes.
- Well, they should.
- They're a barbecue joint.
Veganism is the new Atkins.
I'm giving them the tools to be relevant.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
You two are always looking down your noses at Cleveland.
Well, of course.
Looking down the nose is flattering to the neckline.
How great is it that we got appointments at the same time? Now we can gossip with each other.
I just have to get all my talking out before I see Christopher.
He says the sound of my voice makes him wanna kill himself.
No, no, no.
Out of my salon, get out! But why? You cut your own bangs.
It is my hair.
No, no, it's my hair.
You're just the dirt from which it grows.
Out! Are we still on for tonight? I suppose.
I'll do you, but not your hair.
Scram.
Hi, Christopher.
Ugh! That voice.
I need to go soothe my nerves.
What a putz.
You really should switch to Pierre.
Oh, I don't know.
Isn't Pierre a little flirty? Yeah, but it's okay.
He's gay.
Elka, you sexy beast! I want to snap you in two and suck out the middle.
Oh, Pierre.
Thank you, Pierre.
This is for you.
Put it in the bank, sweetheart.
Thank you very much.
And who is this beautiful creature? Your sister? Older sister.
Both of you, come on back and let's get you started.
Oh, wait, no, I don't know if I'm allowed to sit in the chair yet.
You know, Christopher.
Girlfriend, please! - Are you sure? - Absolutely sure.
And as for you, if that fabulous tushy isn't in that chair in 20 seconds, it's gonna be in my hands.
It's okay.
He's gay.
Yeah.
Got that.
So much gorgeous in this room, it's like being backstage at a drag show.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, who told you you could sit there? I did.
I told you never speak to my clients.
I don't like them to feel comfortable talking.
I could go sit in the reception area.
- Really, it's not a problem.
- Now you've upset Melanie.
- Shame on you! - Yeah, yeah.
Come on, sugarbuns.
Let's go get you shampooed.
Oh, if I could be your bra for one day.
What am I saying? I'd get nothing done! What's going on here? Speak.
Well, it's been about-- Not you, your hair! What has she done to you? Run her greasy fingers through you? Huh? Try on some hot girl's hat she's 20 years too old for? It was just a beret, I swear.
Well, well, well, what have we here? Oh, my God, how did you guys find me? We have our ways.
You followed me, didn't you? Yes, that is our way.
I cannot believe you two.
Oh, relax, we just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
Still wanna see it.
Excuse me, I don't come to your work and knock the mop out of your hands.
Rude to customers.
Very un-Cleveland.
You, go get shampooed.
You two, time to leave.
Buh-bye.
Yeah.
Buh-bye.
One question before I go.
Is it true that your blow outs last 12 days? No.
follows my instructions.
He's so mean.
I know, I love him already.
You have to do my hair, today.
I'm booked.
Yeah, yeah, there's always room if the price is right.
What do you charge? $30.
Look, we're not gonna get anywhere if you insist on joking around.
What do you charge? If your blow outs are as good as I think they are, you could be charging ten times that amount.
Oh, people wouldn't pay that.
Of course they would.
Nothing's more seductive than the illusion of exclusivity.
I have been thinking about taking the salon in a new direction.
Yeah, like out of 1975? I mean, what is with this area over here with the hooded driers and the dog photos? Yeah, this area has to go.
That's what I've been thinking.
Pierre, get out here.
- What is it? - You're fired.
What? Let me lather, rinse and repeat that.
What?! Wait, wait, wait, this is not what I was talking about.
Quiet, robot.
I'm taking the salon in a new direction.
I'm tired of you holding me back.
You want me out? I'm out.
- Good.
- Good! - Fine.
- Fine! What's going on out here? The pissant fired me.
Somehow he's got an idea that I'm holding him back.
But in the words of Abba, "The winner takes it all.
" Now where would Christopher get the idea that Pierre's holding him back? Wherever Pierre is going, we're going too.
Right, Melanie? Uh Come on, let's just storm out of here.
Yeah, but wouldn't my storming look better if my hair was freshly blown out? Now, Melanie.
Come on, you guys.
I would, but I think an appointment just opened up.
Skinny, in the chair.
Skinnier, go get shampoo.
Which is which? He's trying to sow dissention between us.
The man is a genius.
I was minutes away from getting a blow out, and instead I get kicked out with my hair still wet.
My hair dried naturally.
I think it makes you look young.
Like you went swimming at the beach and drove home in a convertible.
Then got hit by lightning.
I can't believe you guys showed up at the salon.
Well, if you didn't want us there, then why didn't you say so? I did.
Like a hundred times.
- Well, I didn't hear it.
- Of course not.
The only way to guarantee you hear anything is to mention your agent called.
Well, I don't know why you're taking this out on me.
Joy's the one who said, "who cares how Melanie feels? Let's follow her.
" I told you that in confidence.
And I didn't say it.
Look, she's the one that got Pierre fired.
No, no, no that was Melanie's fault.
If you hadn't been getting secret blow outs, this never would have happened.
J'accuse! Okay, let's just stop.
Obviously there's some tension here.
And I think we have all noticed that we have been getting on each other's nerves lately.
So I think it might be a good idea if we just clear the air and vent our frustrations in a calm and respectful manner.
- Okay, that's a good idea.
- I'm willing to try.
And I'll start by saying I love you both.
But, uh, lately, you have a been a little, shall we say, disrespectful.
For example, when-- We're not getting any younger here, Melanie.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
You barely listen to me.
Because you take forever to get to the point.
Now I can say what's wrong with both of you in two words.
You're a wimp and you're a bummer.
In what way am I bummer? Well, you're always pooh-poohing things and your "can't do" attitude is exhausting.
I will file that under "things Victoria says that make no sense" or, to avoid redundancy, "things Victoria says".
Okay, come on, that's not calm and respectful.
Thank God we have Hall Monitor Melanie to keep us in line.
I'll have you know that hall monitor was a respected position in my high school.
If you wanted to go to the bathroom, you had to go through me.
While we're on Melanie, do you have to be so damn friendly to everyone we run into? You know, just once I would like to be able to go to the grocery store without being introduced to the bag boy.
Like you've ever been to a grocery store.
I'm the one that does all the shopping.
That is so not fair.
I make the lists, you do the shopping, and Joy drinks all the vodka.
How else do you expect me to sit through one of your "it's so hard being famous" stories? I'm sorry.
Am I seriously being attacked for being a celebrity? Newsflash, the ins and outs of the Lifetime Original Movie where you portrayed a sexy manicurist who played by her own rules, aren't as interesting as you think.
I'll have you know that Lifetime had its best ratings of the year with You're Soaking In It.
What exactly were the manicurist rules she was breaking anyway? And here come the questions.
What is that supposed to mean? It means living with you is like a never-ending game of Jeopardy.
Everything is in the form of a question! Where in the world would you get that idea? And there's our Daily Double.
So what? Are there worse things in the world? And yes, I realize those are both questions to which there is one answer.
Well This was certainly productive.
I think I'm done here.
- Me too.
- Me too.
But seriously, did my agent call? No! Hello, traitors.
Pierre, Joy is so very sorry about what happened today.
Yes, Victoria would like to apologize for any part she played in you getting fired.
Please, like the great Gloria Gaynor once said, I will survive.
Besides, who could be unhappy surrounded by three gorgeous women? Oh, that's so sweet, but there's four of us here.
I know.
You've got to do something about that hair.
Holy Toledo.
It's a mess! Let's have a little fun with this, shall we? Have you ever thought about going a tiny bit shorter? A little brighter? Yeah, I have, actually.
Then leave it to Pierre.
Oh, God.
Good lord.
You look fantastic.
All right, done.
But you're gonna have to wear this wig until it grows back.
Oh, my God, it's perfect.
It looks just like my old hair.
That's 'cause I'm a genius.
- Say it.
- You're a genius.
Stop kissing my ass.
This is a relief.
Normally I'd be excited to go home and show my roommates, but, oh, after the fight we just had Let's just say the gloves came off.
We're not even speaking to each other.
I don't care.
It's just that it's not only this one thing.
- Lately they've been-- - Driving me crazy.
I mean it is kind of remarkable that we got along as long as we did.
A lonely British expat, an all-American girl next door, and an underappreciated, though highly sought after actress living away from the limelight.
I won't insult your intelligence by telling you who the beautiful actress is.
Yeah.
I don't care.
Oh, it was a horrible argument.
But in my defense, Melanie is obnoxiously nice.
I don't care.
And Joy, I mean, she has such amazingly low self-esteem.
It's probably why she's always falling into bed with the most unavailable men.
Go on.
I have half a mind to-- Try to find a place of my own.
I don't care.
Listen, sweetie, I got a client coming, so could you, you know, fold up the couch and beat it? Wait, what about getting my hair blown out? Oh, babe, sorry, no time.
Come here.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Call me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
I love you.
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? - I asked you first.
- I was here first.
It seems that we are at a stalemate.
Well, clearly we're all here for the same reason.
We're all thinking about moving out.
Yes, and obviously we all saw the advertisement for this apartment at the salon.
No, I found it a different way.
You followed us? That is my way.
Fine, we're all here to find an apartment of our own so let's just look at it on our own.
- Fine.
- Fine.
This place is sad.
Really sad.
This place is where sad comes to hang itself.
MaybeI'm just sad because I really hate it when we fight.
- Me too.
- Oh, me too.
Let's not beat ourselves up.
I mean, we've been living together for three years.
We were due.
And it's not the end of the world that we wanna find our own place.
I mean, we are adults.
Exactly.
We all had our own places in L.
A.
Mm-hmm, and we can still hang out like we did in L.
A.
And have sleepovers like we did in L.
A.
And then the next morning, talk about how fun it would be to someday all live together.
Like we do now.
We're actually living our dream.
And to think we were about to throw it away over a bunch of nonsense.
It may be weird that women our age live together, - but I really like it.
- Me too.
Me too.
Okay, then let's just go home and pretend none of this ever happened.
But we still have a mess to clean up and Elka's still mad at us for getting Pierre fired.
Who's Pierre? Your agent called.
Pierre is the guy we got fired.
And we have to get him his job back.
Christopher will never take him back, he's too outdated.
So let's give him a makeover.
I look ridiculous.
Without my neckerchief and my white bucks, I feel a little gay.
You are two scoops of yummy with a side of ka-pow! Oh.
Hello, Pierre.
Pierre! You told me he was dead.
And to think I slept with you.
She'll be back.
What the hell is going on here? All right, I poached some of your clients.
I thought I could run the salon without you, but then I realized that most of our business is older ladies.
No offense.
Why would I be offended? It turns out, in this economy, no one wants to pay $300 for a blow dry.
In fact, these three idiots are the only ones that did.
Your hair doesn't look done.
Shh! Let him talk.
So, uh, you want me back.
Yes, dad.
Dad? I have so many questions That I won't ask.
But no more scented candles.
And then no more yelling at the customers.
Then no more Abba.
And if you get to date the customers, so do I.
Then be my guest.
How about it, sweet cheeks? Wanna hit the town? You're interested in me? Haven't you noticed that I've been hitting on you relentlessly for the past 20 years? But we all thought that you were An insatiable ladies' man? I get that all the time.
I assure you, I'm a one-woman guy.
Well, how could I possibly say no? Sweet Barbra Streisand.
I can't wait to get my hands on those buns! Hurry up! It's okay.
He's not gay.
To everything going back to just the way it was.
Yes, and, Elka, thank you for this beautiful bottle of champagne.
Actually, I bought it for myself.
To celebrate you guys moving out.
Well, at least you got a new boyfriend.
Hold it down.
He's asleep upstairs.
Wait, Pierre's asleep in one of our rooms? We goldilocks-ed your place.
Joy's bed was just right.
I'll get it.
On my way out to buy a new mattress.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Sacre bleu! Pierre's teaching me French.
Do people still leave babies on doorsteps? Does it matter if it's a done thing? It's been done.
Well, what are we gonna do? Good question, Melanie.
Good question.