NewsRadio (1995) s03e24 Episode Script
Space
Yes, that looks perfect.
Good work, uhguy.
Hello! I'm Phil Hartman, Bill McNeal of TV's NewsRadio.
If you're a frequent viewer of our show, or even if you, like myself, only tune in from time to time by accident I'm sure you've often wondered the same thing I have: What if NewsRadio took place in outer space? What if instead of a radio station, our characters worked on a space station? What if instead of reporting the news, we reported the space news? Well, after tonight's very special episode, all of those questions will be answered or at least raised and dismissed.
Now, some people out there might hear this idea and say, "Outer space, why?" I prefer to say "Outer space, why not?" And so, without further ado, we present to you NewsRadio in outer space.
[.]
[.]
Beth, can I get a cup of coffee, please? Thank you.
COMPUTER: Good morning, Dave.
Acknowledged.
There's someone at the door, Dave.
Acknowledged.
Come in.
Good morning.
COMPUTER: Good morning, Lisa.
Acknowledged.
Can you shut that off? Why would you want to--? [COMPUTER SPEAKS GIBBERISH.]
So, what was it you wanted to speak to me about? Well, Lisa, I've been doing a lot of thinking about you and me, a-and, uh Just a second.
Door close.
Door close! Door Well, anyway, you know, we've been going out together for quite a while now and-- BETH [OVER SPEAKER.]
: Attention, Dave.
Attention, Dave.
Beth, can this wait? We are in the middle of something.
Oh! Hi, Lisa.
Dave, I want to let you know [STATIC CRACKLING.]
DAVE: Beth? Beth, you're breaking up, Beth.
I can't hear you.
I said, this warning light came on, and I don't know what to do about it.
I'll come back later.
Make it so.
I never get tired of that one.
So, what's the problem? Apparently there's a malfunction in the reactor core.
Well, have Joe take a look at it.
Hi, Matthew.
No! Ugh! Oh, sorry.
It's all right.
Have you seen my Irene 4395 droid yet? Oh, is she coming by again? Yeah, why? I just think you're spending too much time with that robot.
Well, she's not just a robot, she's my girlfriend.
Looks likeshe's on the fritz again.
Isn't that just like a woman? You know, she is just like a woman.
Every time I wanna have just a nice, little afternoon together, her CPU crashes, and I gotta drag her down to the shop before she wigs out and kills everything in sight.
She's usually pretty nice, though.
[BEEPING.]
Hey, Beth, what's up? Hey, Joe.
Sorry to disturb you, but we need you to fix the atomic reactor core.
Cool.
How long have I been under? Uh Eighty-three years.
Eighty-three years? What are you still doin' alive? Oh, well, about 50 years ago they invented an anti-aging drug, so Oh, yeah? Cool.
Any side effects? Apparently when you turn 900, your hair falls out.
No, thanks.
So, what else is new? Alpha Centauri robot wars still goin' on? No, they're over, and we lost.
Humankind is nearly extinct, and those of us who remain, are constantly running from alien slavers-- Yeah, whatever.
Who won the World Series? What? Who won the World Series? Which one? All the years I was out.
[SIGHS.]
In 2145, it was the Dodgers.
Called it.
In '46 it was the Orioles.
Called it.
Then it was the Robots, the Robots, the Robots, the Robots Figures.
the Robots.
Here you go.
Ooh, what's that? Liquid vitamins? No, mouthwash.
You have the worst morning breath in recorded history.
What do you want? I was out for 83 years.
I'm awake I'm awake [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Ah, maybe the future don't look so bad after all.
Hey, babe, what's goin' on? Irene, you made it.
Hey, sweetie.
I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long.
Well [COMPUTER SPEAKING GIBBERISH.]
Whoa! Ease up on the command console there, Dave.
These things don't grow on trees, you know.
Pardon me? They don't grow on trees.
You know, trees? What are these things, "trees" you speak of? I'll draw you a picture sometime.
Come on, come on.
Huh? DAVE: Door close.
Door close! Lisa? LISA: Door close.
All right.
What's so damned amusing? [CHUCKLES.]
Nothing.
N-n-noth-- Nothing, but What the hell are you wearing? What is that? I'll have you know this was the height of fashion in the late 20th century.
Yeah, maybe on Earth.
Oh, you're here to talk about the budget, aren't you? That's right.
That's damn right.
We-- We are way, way over budget here.
We're virtually hemorrhaging space dollars.
All right, well, why don't we go over the figures together? Good.
Good.
You know what? Why don't you, uh--? Thanks.
Why don't you pull up Database 5300 for me, will ya? All right.
[COMPUTER BEEPING.]
[DRAWER RATTLES.]
Ah.
[PAPER CRINKLING.]
Oh, well, that is-- That is-- That is very impressive work, son.
I thank you, sir.
That's really good.
Hey, what's that over there? Huh? Oh, that's the budget for the company rollerball team, which, come to think of it, you know, we could cut that.
Yeah, well, that's all well and good, Dave, but what about the bottom line? Here.
If we cut here Uh-huh.
Oh, hell, we could save 20,000 space dollars per lunar cycle.
Sir, I'm not prepared to cut the budget for our oxygen supply.
Okay, okay, but we could just reduce it, right? No, I think that if we were to reduce our oxygen supply it would kill us.
Old wives' tale.
Ah, I'd still be more comfortable cutting somewhere else.
I know, I got it.
Here.
[ERASER BRUSHING.]
[PEN CLICKS.]
[PEN SCRATCHES.]
There ya go.
Sir, y-you just cut the budget in half for Bill and Katherine's salaries.
That's right.
And how do you propose to do that? Well, w-we don't need both, uh Bill and Katherine reading the space news, right? So, what? You're gonna fire one of them? No, no, no, no.
Just put one of them in suspended animation for 50, 60 years.
You know, till we work out the budget thing.
Well, which one? You just leave that to me.
Uh, they're never gonna go for it.
Yeah, well, we'll see about that.
Now, let's Let's get serious here.
You got any new space porn? [DRAWERS RATTLING.]
Ah! [PAPER CRINKLING.]
Ah Miss September.
Hello.
WOMAN: Hello.
[.]
Kiziza, Katherine.
Oh, kiziza, Bill.
So is that new lunch place any good? Knock yourself out.
Not bad.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I don't know how you guys can eat that crap.
It only looks like crap.
It's actually quite flavorless.
Yeah, right, listen, I need to talk to you two guys, but I'm in kind of a rush, so if you don't mind, I'm just gonna let Holo Jimmy explain it all, all right? I'll see ya.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Hi, guys.
Here's the deal: Due to budgetary constrictions, I'm gonna have to have one of you in suspended animation for 50 or 60 years.
No way! What? Yeah, way! I'm sorry, it's the only solution.
Look.
I-- I gotta go, but the real Jimmy will tell you all about it.
See ya.
[LAUGHING.]
[SQUEALING.]
What's so funny? Nothing.
Oh, you can finish watching your funny pig if you like.
No, thanks.
It's all right, I Pig's dead.
People are dead.
They all died centuries ago.
Couldn't care less.
Okay, then.
What was it you wanted to talk to me about earlier? Table.
Well Lisa, how long have we been together now? Um, 98 years in July.
Ninety-eight years.
Hm.
You know I know-- I know that this is a big step, but I'd really like us to start, you know, thinking about moving in together.
Great idea.
Let's do it.
Table.
Well, w-w-wait a second.
You know, I didn't want us to rush into this.
I just wanted us, you know, to start talking-- Talking aboutit.
Dave, we've been talking about it for 30 years.
I'll just requisition a relocation vessel to transport your personal effects to my space pod.
Your space pod? Uh, I'm sorry, but I-I just sort of-- I, you know-- I just sort of assumed that we would, you know, live in my space pod.
[LAUGHS.]
In Sector 12? Yes.
Why would I possibly wanna live in Sector 12? Uh-huh.
I mean, besides, your space pod is sobig.
Yeah, well, at least Sector 12 is a safe area.
Yeah, you know what, and besides that, your space pod is so cold and drafty.
Fine.
All right.
I'll get a space heater.
COMPUTER: In or out, Lisa? In or out? Shut up.
[REACTOR HUMMING.]
[SIZZLES.]
Ah! You sure you don't want me to call the reactor-core repair specialists? Nah, I'm all right.
You've been asleep for 83 years.
You know, technology has advanced in ways that even you can't imagine.
Advanced.
Right.
No matter how much it changes, technology is just a bunch of wires connected to a bunch of other wires.
Oh, really? So, what's wrong with it? Can't seem to find any wires.
COMPUTER: This station will self-destruct in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
This station-- Shut up.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[MATTHEW & IRENE SIGH.]
Oh, those two make me sick.
Ah, the freak's happy.
Leave him alone.
But does he have to be so cutesy? And who designed those? Sounds like someone's a little jealous.
Don't be ridiculous.
Can you hand me the pliers, please? Yeah.
Not the space pliers, the regular ones.
Now available in vanilla-nut flavor.
So for a tasty treat that's good to eat, try Soylent Green.
Soylent Green is people.
Soylent Green, made from the best stuff on Earth, people.
WNYX news time.
We'll be back after this.
Oh, come on, Bill.
It's only 50 years of suspended animation.
You could use the rest.
Sure.
Then I wake up and find out that innocent, little Kathy is suddenly making just as much as I am.
I don't think so.
Fine.
Let's just flip for it.
This is going to take forever.
I'm going for a space walk.
WNYX news time, 1247 mark 59.
Tragedy struck today in Sector 9 as rebel terrorists blew up the Death Star, killing thousands.
The rebel alliance, a fringe group of anti-Empire fanatics has claimed responsibility for the terrorist act.
Fortunately, Lord Vader escaped without harm.
Our hearts go out to the families of the victims.
[.]
[BREATHING SLOWLY.]
JOE: Hey, Bill.
BILL: Yeah, Joe? JOE: If you go outside, be careful, 'cause the outside hatch has been stickin' lately.
[BREATHING RAPIDLY.]
BILL: Uh-oh.
[HELMET SQUEAKS.]
Besides, my space pod is so much bigger.
Exactly.
It's too big.
It's 12 paces from end to end.
My head hardly touches the ceiling.
I get creeped out by all that space.
DAVE: My point is, maybe we should try and-- [AIR ROARING.]
[.]
[.]
Joe.
What? Is that wise? What? Well, that is the main reactor core you're hitting with a hammer.
It's not gonna fix itself, Dave.
That's what I'm here for.
It's not gonna blow up, is it? No.
Joe, just call in a specialist, okay? Specialist, right.
A bunch of jackasses.
They're gonna charge you for a roll of duct tape.
Come on, man, just let me do my thing.
You're sure you know what you're doing? Yeah.
All right.
Hey, Joe, I'm going to the newsstand.
Do you need anything? Ah, I'll go with you.
I gotta clear my head.
Which one we goin' to? Venus.
Cool.
[.]
[WIND HOWLING.]
BETH: I started thinking about it, and I do get really jealous when I see Matthew and that droid together.
JOE: Yeah, but that could be for lots of other reasons.
Yeah, like what? Well, how long has it been since you had sex? With a human? I'd say about 25 years.
What do you mean, "with a human"? Uhnothing.
Never mind.
Forget it.
Here it is.
JOE: Do you have any back issues of Popular Mechanics? [SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT.]
Do you have any [SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT.]
[SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT.]
Ask him if he has any gum.
Do you have any [SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT.]
Space gum.
[SPEAKING ALIEN DIALECT.]
Hey, what up, homeys? What is this thing, "homeys," you speak of? [STRANGE CHITTERING.]
Aliens.
Great.
Sir, did you have your vessel checked for alien infestation before you docked? Oh, come on, Dave.
It's just a little alien.
Oh, yeah, they're cute till they decide to nest in your intestines.
Clear.
[BEEPING.]
Sir, you might wanna get to the air lock.
Oh, will you guys relax a little bit? Come on, little buddy.
Here we go.
Come on [ALIEN SCREECHES.]
[SIZZLING.]
LISA: Sir, that stuff will eat through your shoe.
Boom.
Game over, man.
[.]
And, Lisa, I'm still waiting for that Governor Spacetaki interview.
It'll be on your console in the morning.
All right, now, uh, anyone else have anything? Yeah.
I-I got some freebies for everybody.
Oh.
Yeah.
I got us a new book that, uh I got for everybody from a publishing house I bought last year.
Here you go.
Here you go, Dave.
Oh, that's very nice.
"To Serve Man.
" Yeah, it's a cookbook.
ALL: Oh! Thank you, Mr.
James.
You're welcome, you're welcome.
Well, uh anyone else have anything? Yeah, I got, uh I got one thing.
Mm-hmm? Well, you know that reactor core that I'm supposed to fix? Well, I couldn't quite fix it.
What do you mean, you "couldn't quite fix it"? Well, according to my calculations, if we, uh, shut down the entire power supply, send out a distress signal, and put ourselves into suspended animation for about 50 years, we should be fine.
And if we don't? [MUMBLING.]
Pardon? Thereactor core will go thermonuclear, blowin' the stations to bits and killin' everybody.
JIMMY: Ah, Joe.
ALL: Joe! Well this is bad news.
All right.
How long do we have? About five minutes.
COMPUTER: Thermonuclear meltdown will commence in T-minus three minutes and counting.
Give or take two minutes.
Why didn't you just call in the specialist like I asked? Look, I feel bad enough as it is.
You don't have to rub it in, all right? All right, all right.
Meeting's adjourned.
Let's all get in our suspended-animation chambers.
COMPUTER: will commence in T-minus Lisaum If we-- If we don't, you know, survive thisum Yeah? I just want you What? Ium There's people listening.
What are you trying to say? I love you.
[ALL WHOOPING.]
Guys, come on! The whole time I was asleep for, like, 80 years, all I did was think about you.
Joe, I wish you'd said something sooner.
I know.
Could you do me a favor? What? Before I go to sleep for, like, 80 years, perhaps never to awaken, think I could see you naked? Sure.
There you go.
Ah, thank you, Beth.
My pleasure.
[IRENE GIGGLING.]
Coochie, coochie! Matthew! So how are we both supposed to fit in your suspension pod together? Oh, my God.
What? What is it? There's only room for one.
You take it.
I'll be fine.
I'll just take a little nap on the couch or something.
But, sweetie, I'm an android.
I don't need oxygen or nutrition for, like, 300 years.
I think the logical solution for-- Psst! Silence, my sweet.
My love knows no logic.
But, sweetie-- Psst! So anyway, the whole time I was asleep, for, like, 80 years, all I could think about was you.
So, what I'm trying to say is can I just see you naked? Not a chance in space hell.
Hey, Beth, can I look at you again? Oh.
Yeah, sure.
JIMMY: Hey, Bill, come on, come on, come on.
Time's a-wastin', son.
Yeah, right.
This is just a trick to get me into hyper-sleep, so you can get rid of me for 50 years.
I wasn't born yesterday.
No, he's serious, dude.
We gotta shut down the power.
Oh, Bill, if you're not gonna use it, do you mind if I take your hyper-sleep chamber? Oh, I don't know.
I'd really rather you didn't.
Oh, that'scool.
I understand.
That's okay.
Even with the power off, the station will still be able to support two life forms.
JOE: Come on, we got 30 seconds.
Let's go.
Okay.
Look, don't worry about us, but whatever you do, don't unplug the hyper-sleep nexus.
Don't unplug it.
Right.
Don't do it.
If you don't do it, we'll be fine, but we'll die instantly if you do do it.
Do do it.
Don't do it.
No, don't do it.
Okay, yeah, I got it, I got it.
Don'tdo it.
Don't do it.
Gentlemen, see ya in 50 years.
Farewell, my sweet.
Farewell, Matthew.
Well, I guess it's just you and me, old chum.
Yeah.
50 years.
Me and you.
I'm looking forward to it.
I think we're gonna have a lot of fun.
We sure are.
Say, why don't you get me a soda before they all get warm.
Hey, you got it.
[ENGINE WHIRRING.]
COMPUTER: Fatal hyper-sleep nexus error.
Life form three expired.
Life form one expired.
Life form two expired.
Life form four expired.
Whoops.
They're-- They're not-- They're not really Dead? Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Well, now what? Well, I guess it's up to us to start a new race of human beings.
Oh, right.
But no gay stuff, okay? Of course not.
Now, we're gonna need some petri dishes.
Do you have a book on DNA? No.
[.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Shakespeare, you devil.
Oh, hello.
So NewsRadio in outer space.
A cautionary tale or a grim portent of things to come? You be the judge.
And by you, I mean the six of you who are still watching.
Which raises another interesting question: What would NewsRadio be like if all of us were naked? If instead of repo-- What? Oh.
Sorry.
I guess we're running out of time.
Good night.
Good work, uhguy.
Hello! I'm Phil Hartman, Bill McNeal of TV's NewsRadio.
If you're a frequent viewer of our show, or even if you, like myself, only tune in from time to time by accident I'm sure you've often wondered the same thing I have: What if NewsRadio took place in outer space? What if instead of a radio station, our characters worked on a space station? What if instead of reporting the news, we reported the space news? Well, after tonight's very special episode, all of those questions will be answered or at least raised and dismissed.
Now, some people out there might hear this idea and say, "Outer space, why?" I prefer to say "Outer space, why not?" And so, without further ado, we present to you NewsRadio in outer space.
[.]
[.]
Beth, can I get a cup of coffee, please? Thank you.
COMPUTER: Good morning, Dave.
Acknowledged.
There's someone at the door, Dave.
Acknowledged.
Come in.
Good morning.
COMPUTER: Good morning, Lisa.
Acknowledged.
Can you shut that off? Why would you want to--? [COMPUTER SPEAKS GIBBERISH.]
So, what was it you wanted to speak to me about? Well, Lisa, I've been doing a lot of thinking about you and me, a-and, uh Just a second.
Door close.
Door close! Door Well, anyway, you know, we've been going out together for quite a while now and-- BETH [OVER SPEAKER.]
: Attention, Dave.
Attention, Dave.
Beth, can this wait? We are in the middle of something.
Oh! Hi, Lisa.
Dave, I want to let you know [STATIC CRACKLING.]
DAVE: Beth? Beth, you're breaking up, Beth.
I can't hear you.
I said, this warning light came on, and I don't know what to do about it.
I'll come back later.
Make it so.
I never get tired of that one.
So, what's the problem? Apparently there's a malfunction in the reactor core.
Well, have Joe take a look at it.
Hi, Matthew.
No! Ugh! Oh, sorry.
It's all right.
Have you seen my Irene 4395 droid yet? Oh, is she coming by again? Yeah, why? I just think you're spending too much time with that robot.
Well, she's not just a robot, she's my girlfriend.
Looks likeshe's on the fritz again.
Isn't that just like a woman? You know, she is just like a woman.
Every time I wanna have just a nice, little afternoon together, her CPU crashes, and I gotta drag her down to the shop before she wigs out and kills everything in sight.
She's usually pretty nice, though.
[BEEPING.]
Hey, Beth, what's up? Hey, Joe.
Sorry to disturb you, but we need you to fix the atomic reactor core.
Cool.
How long have I been under? Uh Eighty-three years.
Eighty-three years? What are you still doin' alive? Oh, well, about 50 years ago they invented an anti-aging drug, so Oh, yeah? Cool.
Any side effects? Apparently when you turn 900, your hair falls out.
No, thanks.
So, what else is new? Alpha Centauri robot wars still goin' on? No, they're over, and we lost.
Humankind is nearly extinct, and those of us who remain, are constantly running from alien slavers-- Yeah, whatever.
Who won the World Series? What? Who won the World Series? Which one? All the years I was out.
[SIGHS.]
In 2145, it was the Dodgers.
Called it.
In '46 it was the Orioles.
Called it.
Then it was the Robots, the Robots, the Robots, the Robots Figures.
the Robots.
Here you go.
Ooh, what's that? Liquid vitamins? No, mouthwash.
You have the worst morning breath in recorded history.
What do you want? I was out for 83 years.
I'm awake I'm awake [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Ah, maybe the future don't look so bad after all.
Hey, babe, what's goin' on? Irene, you made it.
Hey, sweetie.
I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long.
Well [COMPUTER SPEAKING GIBBERISH.]
Whoa! Ease up on the command console there, Dave.
These things don't grow on trees, you know.
Pardon me? They don't grow on trees.
You know, trees? What are these things, "trees" you speak of? I'll draw you a picture sometime.
Come on, come on.
Huh? DAVE: Door close.
Door close! Lisa? LISA: Door close.
All right.
What's so damned amusing? [CHUCKLES.]
Nothing.
N-n-noth-- Nothing, but What the hell are you wearing? What is that? I'll have you know this was the height of fashion in the late 20th century.
Yeah, maybe on Earth.
Oh, you're here to talk about the budget, aren't you? That's right.
That's damn right.
We-- We are way, way over budget here.
We're virtually hemorrhaging space dollars.
All right, well, why don't we go over the figures together? Good.
Good.
You know what? Why don't you, uh--? Thanks.
Why don't you pull up Database 5300 for me, will ya? All right.
[COMPUTER BEEPING.]
[DRAWER RATTLES.]
Ah.
[PAPER CRINKLING.]
Oh, well, that is-- That is-- That is very impressive work, son.
I thank you, sir.
That's really good.
Hey, what's that over there? Huh? Oh, that's the budget for the company rollerball team, which, come to think of it, you know, we could cut that.
Yeah, well, that's all well and good, Dave, but what about the bottom line? Here.
If we cut here Uh-huh.
Oh, hell, we could save 20,000 space dollars per lunar cycle.
Sir, I'm not prepared to cut the budget for our oxygen supply.
Okay, okay, but we could just reduce it, right? No, I think that if we were to reduce our oxygen supply it would kill us.
Old wives' tale.
Ah, I'd still be more comfortable cutting somewhere else.
I know, I got it.
Here.
[ERASER BRUSHING.]
[PEN CLICKS.]
[PEN SCRATCHES.]
There ya go.
Sir, y-you just cut the budget in half for Bill and Katherine's salaries.
That's right.
And how do you propose to do that? Well, w-we don't need both, uh Bill and Katherine reading the space news, right? So, what? You're gonna fire one of them? No, no, no, no.
Just put one of them in suspended animation for 50, 60 years.
You know, till we work out the budget thing.
Well, which one? You just leave that to me.
Uh, they're never gonna go for it.
Yeah, well, we'll see about that.
Now, let's Let's get serious here.
You got any new space porn? [DRAWERS RATTLING.]
Ah! [PAPER CRINKLING.]
Ah Miss September.
Hello.
WOMAN: Hello.
[.]
Kiziza, Katherine.
Oh, kiziza, Bill.
So is that new lunch place any good? Knock yourself out.
Not bad.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I don't know how you guys can eat that crap.
It only looks like crap.
It's actually quite flavorless.
Yeah, right, listen, I need to talk to you two guys, but I'm in kind of a rush, so if you don't mind, I'm just gonna let Holo Jimmy explain it all, all right? I'll see ya.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Hi, guys.
Here's the deal: Due to budgetary constrictions, I'm gonna have to have one of you in suspended animation for 50 or 60 years.
No way! What? Yeah, way! I'm sorry, it's the only solution.
Look.
I-- I gotta go, but the real Jimmy will tell you all about it.
See ya.
[LAUGHING.]
[SQUEALING.]
What's so funny? Nothing.
Oh, you can finish watching your funny pig if you like.
No, thanks.
It's all right, I Pig's dead.
People are dead.
They all died centuries ago.
Couldn't care less.
Okay, then.
What was it you wanted to talk to me about earlier? Table.
Well Lisa, how long have we been together now? Um, 98 years in July.
Ninety-eight years.
Hm.
You know I know-- I know that this is a big step, but I'd really like us to start, you know, thinking about moving in together.
Great idea.
Let's do it.
Table.
Well, w-w-wait a second.
You know, I didn't want us to rush into this.
I just wanted us, you know, to start talking-- Talking aboutit.
Dave, we've been talking about it for 30 years.
I'll just requisition a relocation vessel to transport your personal effects to my space pod.
Your space pod? Uh, I'm sorry, but I-I just sort of-- I, you know-- I just sort of assumed that we would, you know, live in my space pod.
[LAUGHS.]
In Sector 12? Yes.
Why would I possibly wanna live in Sector 12? Uh-huh.
I mean, besides, your space pod is sobig.
Yeah, well, at least Sector 12 is a safe area.
Yeah, you know what, and besides that, your space pod is so cold and drafty.
Fine.
All right.
I'll get a space heater.
COMPUTER: In or out, Lisa? In or out? Shut up.
[REACTOR HUMMING.]
[SIZZLES.]
Ah! You sure you don't want me to call the reactor-core repair specialists? Nah, I'm all right.
You've been asleep for 83 years.
You know, technology has advanced in ways that even you can't imagine.
Advanced.
Right.
No matter how much it changes, technology is just a bunch of wires connected to a bunch of other wires.
Oh, really? So, what's wrong with it? Can't seem to find any wires.
COMPUTER: This station will self-destruct in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
This station-- Shut up.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[MATTHEW & IRENE SIGH.]
Oh, those two make me sick.
Ah, the freak's happy.
Leave him alone.
But does he have to be so cutesy? And who designed those? Sounds like someone's a little jealous.
Don't be ridiculous.
Can you hand me the pliers, please? Yeah.
Not the space pliers, the regular ones.
Now available in vanilla-nut flavor.
So for a tasty treat that's good to eat, try Soylent Green.
Soylent Green is people.
Soylent Green, made from the best stuff on Earth, people.
WNYX news time.
We'll be back after this.
Oh, come on, Bill.
It's only 50 years of suspended animation.
You could use the rest.
Sure.
Then I wake up and find out that innocent, little Kathy is suddenly making just as much as I am.
I don't think so.
Fine.
Let's just flip for it.
This is going to take forever.
I'm going for a space walk.
WNYX news time, 1247 mark 59.
Tragedy struck today in Sector 9 as rebel terrorists blew up the Death Star, killing thousands.
The rebel alliance, a fringe group of anti-Empire fanatics has claimed responsibility for the terrorist act.
Fortunately, Lord Vader escaped without harm.
Our hearts go out to the families of the victims.
[.]
[BREATHING SLOWLY.]
JOE: Hey, Bill.
BILL: Yeah, Joe? JOE: If you go outside, be careful, 'cause the outside hatch has been stickin' lately.
[BREATHING RAPIDLY.]
BILL: Uh-oh.
[HELMET SQUEAKS.]
Besides, my space pod is so much bigger.
Exactly.
It's too big.
It's 12 paces from end to end.
My head hardly touches the ceiling.
I get creeped out by all that space.
DAVE: My point is, maybe we should try and-- [AIR ROARING.]
[.]
[.]
Joe.
What? Is that wise? What? Well, that is the main reactor core you're hitting with a hammer.
It's not gonna fix itself, Dave.
That's what I'm here for.
It's not gonna blow up, is it? No.
Joe, just call in a specialist, okay? Specialist, right.
A bunch of jackasses.
They're gonna charge you for a roll of duct tape.
Come on, man, just let me do my thing.
You're sure you know what you're doing? Yeah.
All right.
Hey, Joe, I'm going to the newsstand.
Do you need anything? Ah, I'll go with you.
I gotta clear my head.
Which one we goin' to? Venus.
Cool.
[.]
[WIND HOWLING.]
BETH: I started thinking about it, and I do get really jealous when I see Matthew and that droid together.
JOE: Yeah, but that could be for lots of other reasons.
Yeah, like what? Well, how long has it been since you had sex? With a human? I'd say about 25 years.
What do you mean, "with a human"? Uhnothing.
Never mind.
Forget it.
Here it is.
JOE: Do you have any back issues of Popular Mechanics? [SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT.]
Do you have any [SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT.]
[SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT.]
Ask him if he has any gum.
Do you have any [SPEAKS ALIEN DIALECT.]
Space gum.
[SPEAKING ALIEN DIALECT.]
Hey, what up, homeys? What is this thing, "homeys," you speak of? [STRANGE CHITTERING.]
Aliens.
Great.
Sir, did you have your vessel checked for alien infestation before you docked? Oh, come on, Dave.
It's just a little alien.
Oh, yeah, they're cute till they decide to nest in your intestines.
Clear.
[BEEPING.]
Sir, you might wanna get to the air lock.
Oh, will you guys relax a little bit? Come on, little buddy.
Here we go.
Come on [ALIEN SCREECHES.]
[SIZZLING.]
LISA: Sir, that stuff will eat through your shoe.
Boom.
Game over, man.
[.]
And, Lisa, I'm still waiting for that Governor Spacetaki interview.
It'll be on your console in the morning.
All right, now, uh, anyone else have anything? Yeah.
I-I got some freebies for everybody.
Oh.
Yeah.
I got us a new book that, uh I got for everybody from a publishing house I bought last year.
Here you go.
Here you go, Dave.
Oh, that's very nice.
"To Serve Man.
" Yeah, it's a cookbook.
ALL: Oh! Thank you, Mr.
James.
You're welcome, you're welcome.
Well, uh anyone else have anything? Yeah, I got, uh I got one thing.
Mm-hmm? Well, you know that reactor core that I'm supposed to fix? Well, I couldn't quite fix it.
What do you mean, you "couldn't quite fix it"? Well, according to my calculations, if we, uh, shut down the entire power supply, send out a distress signal, and put ourselves into suspended animation for about 50 years, we should be fine.
And if we don't? [MUMBLING.]
Pardon? Thereactor core will go thermonuclear, blowin' the stations to bits and killin' everybody.
JIMMY: Ah, Joe.
ALL: Joe! Well this is bad news.
All right.
How long do we have? About five minutes.
COMPUTER: Thermonuclear meltdown will commence in T-minus three minutes and counting.
Give or take two minutes.
Why didn't you just call in the specialist like I asked? Look, I feel bad enough as it is.
You don't have to rub it in, all right? All right, all right.
Meeting's adjourned.
Let's all get in our suspended-animation chambers.
COMPUTER: will commence in T-minus Lisaum If we-- If we don't, you know, survive thisum Yeah? I just want you What? Ium There's people listening.
What are you trying to say? I love you.
[ALL WHOOPING.]
Guys, come on! The whole time I was asleep for, like, 80 years, all I did was think about you.
Joe, I wish you'd said something sooner.
I know.
Could you do me a favor? What? Before I go to sleep for, like, 80 years, perhaps never to awaken, think I could see you naked? Sure.
There you go.
Ah, thank you, Beth.
My pleasure.
[IRENE GIGGLING.]
Coochie, coochie! Matthew! So how are we both supposed to fit in your suspension pod together? Oh, my God.
What? What is it? There's only room for one.
You take it.
I'll be fine.
I'll just take a little nap on the couch or something.
But, sweetie, I'm an android.
I don't need oxygen or nutrition for, like, 300 years.
I think the logical solution for-- Psst! Silence, my sweet.
My love knows no logic.
But, sweetie-- Psst! So anyway, the whole time I was asleep, for, like, 80 years, all I could think about was you.
So, what I'm trying to say is can I just see you naked? Not a chance in space hell.
Hey, Beth, can I look at you again? Oh.
Yeah, sure.
JIMMY: Hey, Bill, come on, come on, come on.
Time's a-wastin', son.
Yeah, right.
This is just a trick to get me into hyper-sleep, so you can get rid of me for 50 years.
I wasn't born yesterday.
No, he's serious, dude.
We gotta shut down the power.
Oh, Bill, if you're not gonna use it, do you mind if I take your hyper-sleep chamber? Oh, I don't know.
I'd really rather you didn't.
Oh, that'scool.
I understand.
That's okay.
Even with the power off, the station will still be able to support two life forms.
JOE: Come on, we got 30 seconds.
Let's go.
Okay.
Look, don't worry about us, but whatever you do, don't unplug the hyper-sleep nexus.
Don't unplug it.
Right.
Don't do it.
If you don't do it, we'll be fine, but we'll die instantly if you do do it.
Do do it.
Don't do it.
No, don't do it.
Okay, yeah, I got it, I got it.
Don'tdo it.
Don't do it.
Gentlemen, see ya in 50 years.
Farewell, my sweet.
Farewell, Matthew.
Well, I guess it's just you and me, old chum.
Yeah.
50 years.
Me and you.
I'm looking forward to it.
I think we're gonna have a lot of fun.
We sure are.
Say, why don't you get me a soda before they all get warm.
Hey, you got it.
[ENGINE WHIRRING.]
COMPUTER: Fatal hyper-sleep nexus error.
Life form three expired.
Life form one expired.
Life form two expired.
Life form four expired.
Whoops.
They're-- They're not-- They're not really Dead? Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Well, now what? Well, I guess it's up to us to start a new race of human beings.
Oh, right.
But no gay stuff, okay? Of course not.
Now, we're gonna need some petri dishes.
Do you have a book on DNA? No.
[.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Shakespeare, you devil.
Oh, hello.
So NewsRadio in outer space.
A cautionary tale or a grim portent of things to come? You be the judge.
And by you, I mean the six of you who are still watching.
Which raises another interesting question: What would NewsRadio be like if all of us were naked? If instead of repo-- What? Oh.
Sorry.
I guess we're running out of time.
Good night.