Spin City s03e24 Episode Script

Love the walk-in closet, James.
When do we see the rest of the place? Don't listen to him, James.
You're an excellent host.
Here's a little advice, though.
Next time you're putting out snacks, more pretzels, less corn on the cob.
Gotcha, Mike.
Now who wants a brewsky? "Barely brew.
The world's cheapest non-alcoholic beverage.
" All the urinating and burping.
None of the annoying good times and laughter.
Ahh.
Oh, listen, Mike.
I'm gonna have to ask you not to do that.
Studies show second-hand smoke is really bad for mice.
Oh, you're concerned for our health.
No, no, I have mice.
Come on.
It's my bet.
Paul, I said it's my bet.
Did I ever tell you guys about my friend Pete? He's got 2 houses in queens! I'll see your 10 and raise you 20.
Oh, I'm out.
I don't know if it's me or the barely brew talkin', but I'm out, too.
I have nothing.
Oh, you can do that? I'm in! Paul, I can't decide whether I should stay in or not.
Correction.
He's got 3 houses in queens.
An ace of a guy.
Has a 7.
So, James, I heard you won $300 last night.
If Mike wasn't helping him, I would have cleaned his clock.
Paul, the last time you went to Atlantic city, you lost $40 in the stamp machine.
They put 'em next to the slot machines just to get ya.
What are you gonna do with the money? Actually, I lost it.
I accidentally washed my money sock at the laundromat.
Cash must have come out when it was in the dryer.
Why didn't you look in the lint screen? 'Cause I'm just realizing this now.
All right, meeting adjourned.
James, I need you to stay behind for a minute.
ALL: Whoa! Ooh! Listen, buddy, I think you need to be more responsible with your money.
I'm gonna put you in touch with my stockbroker.
I'm gonna get you in the market.
I'm not comfortable venturing into new things, especially when money's involved.
Have to say no on this one.
Just let me do this for you, ok? Ok.
You believe what Paul said about me needing your help for everything? Pull.
Pull.
I wanna thank you guys for being so supportive.
I was afraid that you might start treating me differently now that I'm dating Mike.
I'll just have a side salad and some tap water.
So anyway, lunch is on me.
And filet mignon.
We're your friends.
We wouldn't make it uncomfortable for you.
Hear, hear.
So movin' on Nikki, I went over your budget for the private school voucher program, and I was wondering How many times you and Mike have done it in the office.
Paul should be here any second.
Do you ever think about death, janelle? No.
Me either.
Here it is, sir! The official Randall Winston action figure! Outstanding! Let me see that! Sir, are you sure this is the image you want as a politician? Janelle, the governor of Minnesota, Jesse "the body" ventura, has his own action figure.
It got him elected! What about the liberal social platform he combined with fiscal conservatism? Yes, but it was mostly the doll.
My action figure will expose young people to politics, all proceeds will go to charity, and that's really all I care about.
It will have the kung fu grip, right? You betcha.
All right! I don't know.
A doll? At home we have a collection of beautiful antique dolls, and many of them are adorned with silk dresses and real leather shoes.
The detailing is amazing! Ah Claudia collects dolls, huh? Yes.
Claudia does.
Sir, I know you're probably gonna think this idea is radical, but with the surplus from the transportation department rolled over into this fiscal year, we can take the revenue, invest it in the city's name, and renovate the 59th street subway station without even dipping into the principal.
Whaddaya think? I'm sorry, Mike.
I was thinking about my doll.
Hey, Mr.
mayor.
Hey, James.
I'll go over this proposal in my office.
Here you go, Mike.
Wow, James, a check for $8,700.
It's my life savings.
I want you to invest it.
I'll help you pick out a couple nice, stable mutual funds.
I was really thinking of something more exciting.
I'll help you pick out a couple of nice, stable mutual funds and take you to a strip joint.
I want to put it all into this new Internet company named barky.
Com.
James, that's ridiculous.
When I was little, I had a dog named barky.
Oh, you had a dog.
Oh.
That Changes everything.
Hey, everybody.
Anyone who wants to get in on James's dead dog stock, report to my office.
You might want to stand away from the door.
James I forbid you to do this.
You can't do that.
You're not the boss of me.
Oh, actually, I am the boss of you.
I'll just invest this myself.
It's not like I don't know how to buy stocks.
What train do I take to wall street? All right, all right.
Come here.
Give it to me.
You're right.
You are a grown-up.
I'll do it.
Thanks, Mike.
Cool snoopy check.
Has Paul seen this? Nope.
The messenger just dropped it off for him.
He said it was confidential, so I cracked it open.
Are those little doll keys in his pocket, or is he just happy to see me? That cannot be anatomically correct.
I've taken a steam with the mayor.
I would have remembered that.
All right, really, is it just us, or is it really that noticeable? Hey, what are you guys lookin' at? Damn! PAUL: Is the doll here yet? I been talkin' to the distributors.
They say the little Winston's gonna be huge! Oh, my God! The little Winston is huge! Hey, here comes the mayor.
Hey! Is that what I think it is? And much, much more.
Let me see it.
Who's your daddy? I want him on the shelves by tomorrow, all right? You got it, sir.
So, janelle, we still on for tonight? You better believe it! Can't believe Stuart is so interested in the details of my sex life with Mike.
It is so pathetic! It is so weak! He's the lamest idiot I've met.
So what's Mike really like? You guys really care? No, we don't care.
It's not like we sit around and wonder if Mike's romantic If he's the kind of guy that would pick you up and take you to his room and Run his hands across your bald head.
So you never bought the stock for James.
'Course not.
Those Internet companies are a dime a dozen.
I'm teaching James a valuable lesson.
Great job, Mr.
Brady.
Here you go.
Look.
If I had let James do this His $8,700 would only be worth Ok, let me see It was $2.
00.
Today it's That's$300,000.
Relax, Mike.
He probably doesn't even know yet.
Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti! Yah! Uh, Mike Wah! Kill me.
Hey, has anyone seen James? I gotta talk to him.
Yeah, he's standing out front.
Oh, thank goodness.
I was worried he was out blowing all his money.
No, he's just waiting for his car to be delivered.
What kinda car? Yeah, daddy.
You have any idea what kinda babes I'm gonna pick up with this thing? I'm guessing jockeys and carnival workers.
Come on, Mike.
I've wanted one of these ever since I was 19.
Carter, can I talk to you in my office? Hey, James.
You really think it's safe to park your car in the middle of the office? That's a good point.
(ALARM CHIRPS) How in the world were you able to get these fixed so fast? Had to make a few phone calls.
These people in the doll industry only understand one language.
Hardball? Spanish.
Unfortunately, because the dolls had to be ready for today, I had to take the mayor's head off and put it on a different doll's body.
What kind of body? A professional wrestler doll.
You guys get first look at this.
I think you'll get a kick out of it.
Paul.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is an honor to introduce the mayor Winston action figure! Now, as you can see, it has my trademark dark suit, my trademark salt-and-pepper hair, and of course, my trademark Incredibly buff physique.
But still, the point of this action figure is to present a positive message to the kids of New York City.
Oh, look, it's got a pull cord here.
Pull cord? What pull cord? Right here.
I'm gonna tear you apart till you bleed! Now that would be my message to the kids who skip school.
Harsh but fair.
Mike, you gotta be honest with James.
You gotta be honest with James.
You gotta be honest with the mayor.
Be honest with Nikki.
Why are you even in politics? Besides, I got a plan.
Your stockbroker's here.
Hey.
Carter, I'd like you to meet Parker.
Parker.
Carter, huh? I like ya.
I like your style.
I'd like to get you into the market.
Well, I have no money Hmm.
Hey! Flaherty, you big bag of dirt! What can I do you for? Well, first of all, this bull market is not gonna last, so I wanna diversify my portfolio.
Sell half my position in intel.
Gotcha.
That's, uh One share Intel.
Plus, I need a favor.
Anything for you, buddy.
I wanna buy some stock in barky.
Com.
Not a problem.
All right.
Here's the tricky part.
I need ya to buy it That's your plan? Time travel? Look, I I meant to buy it.
Oh, you meant to buy it? Well, you know, we can use the New York stock exchange "oh, I meant to buy it" clause.
I'm amazed more people don't take advantage of it.
Fine, Parker.
If that's the way you're gonna be about it, I want you to sell my other share of intel.
Who's laughin' now? Mike, this is crazy.
Just tell James the truth! Yeah, thanks for your 2 cents, Johnny-no-cash, but, uh This is kind of an adult swim? How much you got? How much you need? When do you need it? Tomorrow.
(WHISTLES) I can totally do that! If you guys were making a sandwich, which would be on top The Turkey Or the cheese? The cheese! Well, there you go.
So who's the cheese and who's the Turkey? Damn! Just let me handle this.
If Mike were a camel, would he have one hump or 2? Per night? I can't believe you're are taking part in this.
We're your friends.
We always talk about this stuff.
He's right.
I told you all about the time I hooked up with Ken.
And I told you all about the time I hooked up with Ken.
This isn't a boyfriend of the moment.
We all love Mike, but more importantly, I love Mike.
I want this relationship to be just mine.
We're sorry.
We will back off.
Thank you.
You're not getting out without answering one question.
Stuart it won't be the least bit sexual, ok? Uh-huh.
If Mike were a flower How big would his penis be? Damn.
Another loser.
So plan "a" was the broker Plan "b" was lottery scratch cards.
Let me guess plan "c" is we get the band back together and win the big citywide talent show.
Hey, uh, Mike, you got a sec? Yeah.
Hey.
My man! How'd my stock do? Through the roof! Yes! Yes! And you doubted me! In your face! You would've made a fortune.
Would've What what wh-wo- would've is no good.
Did I ever tell you I have a gambling problem? No, that never came up.
Yeah, I have a gambling problem.
So, uh on my way home, I drove by the track The track's an hour away.
Ok, you got me.
Uh, drove to the track.
Um Long story short, I lost the money.
Scratchers! Mike, I'm sorry to interrupt.
I need a little advance.
Is that the kid you didn't buy the stock for? Wow! You are like the world's worst broker.
You didn't buy the stock? You didn't buy it.
I don't believe you.
James, James, just give me a minute here.
You think I'm such a child that I can't make decisions for myself? Mike, I'm a grown man! James, James Just listen to me, ok? Out of the road, you moron! Some of the dolls have been collected.
The problem is, the one day the model was available, it became somewhat of a collector's item.
I even bought one for my own collection.
You mean Claudia's collection.
Oh, who are we kidding? Janelle, I love dolls.
If the mayor finds out I'm responsible for this, my goose is cooked.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I have an idea! I have an idea! We could say it was your fault! No way! Come on.
You're dating the guy! He gets mad at you, you buy him a tie, he forgets the whole thing! Janelle, please? Who, exactly, was responsible for this? It was me, sir.
Well, I love it.
I want these bad boys back on sale tomorrow.
The kids'll think I'm the bomb.
Great work, janelle.
Let's go out to dinner.
Maybe we'll talk about your future in politics.
Uh, Mr.
mayor, sir lock up when you leave, Paul.
Hi, Stuart.
Don't even talk to me.
You cannot be mad at me because I won't tell you my sex stories.
Nikki, you've known me for 5 years.
I need to hear these things.
They're like food to me.
I eat sex stories! Stuart I tell you about my sexual experiences.
Yeah, but I'm not askin'! And still you send the pictures, the stories.
The occasional instructional video.
Nikki, this isn't even about your sex life anymore.
It's about sharing something with a friend 'cause you know it'll make him happy.
Sometimes I think it's sexy To lick the back of Mike's neck.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
(SINGSONG) Neck Licker! Ne-ck Lick-ah! Nikki like-a neck-a licky! Nikki like-a neck-a licky! Nikki! Nikki! Nikkinikkinikkinikkinikki! (KNOCK ON DOOR) Come in.
Hey, I wasn't sure if you were here.
Didn't see your car out front.
I hit a dog on the way home.
It's totaled.
Listen, I got back the $8,700 of yours that my broker stole.
Really? What'd he say? Oh, he said, "just take it.
Take it.
Please bring me back inside the window.
" Anyway, I should have invested that for you.
Damn right.
I make my own decisions.
You've proven you don't know what's best for me.
The stock bottomed out today.
I did not know that.
Yeah, all the brokers took a bath.
That seems odd.
Guess I do need someone to look out for me.
I mean Look at all this useless junk I bought.
Useless? Come on, James.
You got the big bed.
You got the treadmill, which is nice, 'cause in New York, it's hard to find places to walk.
I even paid $400 to have an escort come by last night.
You pa you paid a woman to have sex with you? She would have had sex with me! You know, James, when I first met you I swear I didn't think you'd last a day in this city.
The point is, you're doing great now.
You don't need me to be your big brother.
You're not a kid anymore.
Thanks, Mike.
Wanna sleep over? (SOFTLY) No.
So you, uh Gonna keep any of that stuff you bought? No.
I wanted to, but Mike convinced me that everything should go back.
It's a tough break.
Hey, baby.
And, yes, these are bugle boy jeans I'm wearing.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING) Moo.