Bewitched (1964) s03e25 Episode Script

Good.
Darrin? Charlie.
Charlie Harper! It's great to see you, old buddy! Darrin, if you don't stop poking around, you won't even make dessert.
- I'll be a minute.
- That's what you said 30 minutes ago.
Something tells me you're not too anxious to see your old buddy.
Not anxious? Don't be ridiculous.
He happens to be one of the greatest guys alive.
He'd be perfect except for one minor thing.
What's that? He's rich, bright, intelligent, charming and witty.
He excels at everything.
Anything anybody can do Charlie can do better.
Outside that, a sweetheart.
Sounds horrible.
I'll hate him.
Impossible.
Nobody can hate Charlie.
Not even me.
Don't think I haven't tried.
Well, I bet he didn't graduate cum laude the way you did.
- No, he didn't.
- There, you see? He did better.
He graduated summa cum laude.
And he was three years younger.
Well Hold it.
You were elected student body president, weren't you? Only after Charlie resigned so he could devote time to being the most popular man on campus.
You can't tell me Charlie was any more popular with the girls than you were.
Let's put it this way.
I beat them off with a stick.
Charlie had his own woodpile.
- What's his wife like? - I never met her.
But if she's married to Charlie, she's got to be gorgeous.
- There they are.
I'll get it.
- Darrin.
I think your legs are cute but I imagine the Harpers would prefer to see you in pants.
See? He even beat me getting dressed.
How can people say they don't know what angels look like? She's beautiful, Dar.
Really something special.
Thank you, Charlie.
And you're right.
Tabatha's very special.
- Do you have any children? - You'll be sorry you asked.
There they are.
- Triplets.
- Triplets? It figures.
Yes.
Two girls and a boy.
It's a little hard to tell because of the hair.
As Charlie is fond of saying, " If you're going to do something, do it right.
" - They're darling, aren't they, Darrin? - They certainly are.
Instead of cigars, I passed out pipes.
Why don't we all go down to dinner? You know, Dar, I really like your place.
It has a good, solid home feel.
- Who was your decorator? - You're looking at her.
I envy you.
I really botched our winter place in Acapulco something fierce.
Sam's got a real flair.
She can do wonders with anything.
She and Charlie should get together.
He did a fabulous job on our castle.
You have a castle? I fell in love with it the minute I saw the moat.
If Charlie hadn't bought it, I would have died.
It's just a small one in Majorca.
Say, Dar, I hear you're going great guns at McMann & Tate.
Yes.
He's head of their creative advertising.
Hey, that's great.
Congratulations, Dar.
Well, thank you.
Some of my accounts have come off pretty well.
- Caldwell Soup, for instance.
- Upped the sales 27 percent.
How marvellous.
Darling, don't you have something to do with advertising? - In a small way.
Well, I thought you bought two big agencies last summer.
Just one.
Was that 20th Century Limited, or am I thinking of the train? You're close, honey.
It was Brown and Smithers Unlimited.
You bought Brown and Smithers? Just for tax purposes.
I really don't know anything about the advertising game itself.
Well, shall we all go into the living room, where it's more comfortable? I'll get the liqueur and be right in.
Okay? "I fell in love with it the minute I saw the moat.
" I'm not impressed.
I'm beginning to believe the only thing they don't own is this block.
Mother! What are you doing here? Being sick.
You're eating like you feel fine.
Well, you know what they say: "Starve a success, feed a frustration.
" No one I know says that.
Have you any idea how you sounded while you were trying to puff up Duncan's meagre triumphs? It's "Darrin," and you know it.
When are you going to admit he's not good enough for you? The day after never.
Darrin's doing just fine.
And I love him, remember? Well, if you had to marry a mortal why couldn't you have chosen a superior one? Like Charlie.
I don't have to stand here and listen to you applaud Charlie's accomplishments.
I can go out there and listen to Daphne do it.
Oh, Samantha, face it.
She's not bragging.
She's simply stating fact.
Mother? I hope you get fat.
I hope you didn't have anything to do with that meat-company jingle.
You know, "Our tongue speaks for itself.
" Not guilty.
Charlie and I had a bet coming here.
He said that you would remember me, and I said that you wouldn't.
And you lose, right, Dar? Well, let me think.
See there? I was right.
I was the freshman campus queen your entire senior year of college.
Yes, yes, of course.
How are you? Fine, thank you.
And I must say that your husband was the only red-blooded male Thank you.
- That didn't chase me around the quad.
I just didn't want to get trampled in the rush.
He also has a bad knee.
Kids, I have a wonderful idea.
We've opened our house at Oyster Bay and we're having friends out for the weekend.
You're coming too.
We'll have a ball.
Tennis, swimming, golf.
The whole bit.
- Well, l - And, Dar you and I are going to talk some business.
Important business involving you.
Now, what do you say? Well, it sounds great, Charlie.
Doesn't it, honey? Can we get a babysitter on such short notice? Well, I'm sure that Mother is available.
Well, if she isn't, I suppose I could always get Aunt Clara to pop in.
Oh, that's great.
Then it's all settled.
Go upstairs and throw some things into a suitcase.
The limousine's right out front, we can go together.
- Sweetheart, I'm proud of you.
- Why? Because I agreed to let your mother babysit? That does take courage.
So does letting yourself in for a one-upmanship weekend like this.
It's a shade over, above and beyond the call of duty.
Oh, we'll have fun.
Anyway, I told you I like Charlie.
It's his wife who keeps pouring it on.
You really didn't remember Daphne? Not a bit.
It's weird.
You don't suppose she was a bit of a snob even then, do you? Castle, indeed.
Why shouldn't she have a castle? Charlie can afford it.
I wish I could give you one.
Don't.
They're drafty.
You have a wicked slam, senator.
Yes, my dear, but I wish my wife had your form.
When the countess told me we missed you in Monte Carlo, I was just sick.
Yes.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Harper, but I see Samantha's ready for me again.
Dar, I'm afraid you've got me beaten.
Not yet, Charlie.
Not if you get a bull's-eye.
Fat chance.
I haven't gotten one in three weeks.
Well, here goes.
Would you take a look at that.
Do I have to? I'm afraid Louis isn't concentrating on the game, but she's such a lovely girl.
Yes, really lovely.
You know, our husbands went to college together and I'm just trying to get Charlie to give him a decent job.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Having fun? First Charlie beat me at eight ball, then at darts, now across the pool.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
Oh, wonderful, Samantha.
You've set them again.
Sorry, sweetheart.
Oh, my, Samantha.
What a stunning ring.
Oh, thank you.
Darrin picked it out himself.
It's so stark and modern.
I tried to tell Charlie that the trend was away from the big diamonds, but he's so old-fashioned.
And of course he can afford to be.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I don't know how I could have been so clumsy.
Maybe the cards caught on your ring.
Senator, I tell you, Darrin made a shot today that was What? Well, "incredible" is the only word for it.
- Now, Charlie - No false modesty, Dar.
It was fantastic.
See, he's already found another word.
Well, who won? Charlie.
By 11 strokes.
- Let's you and I talk business.
- Okay.
Excuse us.
Tell me, Darrin, are you happy at McMann & Tate? - Very happy.
- Oh, that's too bad.
It would be easier to quit miserable.
Why should I wanna quit? You can't stay there and be president of Brown and Smithers Unlimited too.
You're not serious? You can write your own ticket, Dar.
That's how serious I am.
Well, Charlie, I don't know what to say.
The word is "yes.
" You'll spend six months in New York and six months on the Continent.
That's to service our offices in Paris, London and Rome.
Samantha will love it.
- Oh, I don't think so, Charlie.
- Well, why not? First of all, it would mean uprooting the family and schools for Tabatha.
Besides, I couldn't leave Larry Tate after all he's done for me.
Anyway, I'm simply not ready for a presidency.
You're too modest, Dar.
You always have been.
- Can you suggest anybody else? - Why not yourself? Hey, come on.
I'm much too smart to hire anybody like me.
Come in.
- Oh, hi, Daphne.
- Hi, Samantha.
You packed in a hurry.
I was wondering if you want to borrow anything.
Clothes or jewellery, anything like that? Oh, that's very sweet.
But I think I brought enough.
Okay.
Well, the boys really are enjoying themselves, aren't they? Darrin's having a ball.
That's lovely.
You know, Charlie and I love Darrin and we just wish we could help him.
Help him what? Oh, to realize his full potential and to find his proper place in the world.
Oh, Daphne.
I think Darrin's very happy with his place his home, his family, his job at McMann & Tate.
I know, but Charlie could make him vice president in his agency.
But then again, Darrin probably wouldn't accept it.
He likes to do things on his own.
I'm sure when the time is right he will be offered a vice presidency.
Oh, how wonderful.
How wonderful.
You're sure there's nothing I can lend you this evening? It's gonna be very dressy.
Maybe some jewellery or Well, let me look.
Oh, Samantha.
How lovely.
It's amazing what they can do with this costume stuff these days, isn't it? What makes you think they're not real? You force me to be cruel.
On Darrin's salary, they have to be zircons.
Oh, I mean, they're beautiful zircons.
They're the prettiest I've ever seen.
Daphne, there is one thing I could use.
- A hanger.
- Oh, I'll have Hilda bring you some.
I really should hang this thing up.
Samantha, that is the most gorgeous, breathtakingly beau Daphne? Is anything wrong? Yes, my darling daughter.
There's plenty wrong.
- Mother! - Samantha.
I'm appalled.
Oh, Mother, what is it now, and who's staying with Tabatha? I suspected you needed keeping an eye on more than Tabatha.
Hagatha is with her.
I'm watching over the real baby of the family.
Oh, Samantha.
Boasting about Durwood is one thing but conjuring up a precious item like that it's the biggest misuse of witchcraft I have ever seen.
Well.
Since when have you been so averse to my using witchcraft? The second you started using it to make Dalton look good.
- Daphne had it coming.
- I couldn't care less about her.
It's you I'm concerned about.
You're only fooling yourself, Samantha, and the mink proves it.
You had to zap it up for yourself because what's-his-name isn't capable of getting you one.
Don't you see that? Well, I don't need a mink.
I suppose I shouldn't have done it.
It's apt to get me into trouble.
From the lustful look in her eye I would say that is in the nature of an understatement.
If you just unfreeze her and pop out, I'll see if I can remedy the situation.
Well, easier said, darling.
Cheerio.
- Beautiful, fabulous coat that I have ever seen.
- May I? - Oh, yes.
Did Darrin give it to you? Where did he get it? From a place going out of business.
With merchandise like this? Well, you see, Daphne, that was the problem.
They took too much trouble.
Raised the mink themselves.
And only used the pelts from identical twins from each litter.
There's probably not another one like it in the whole world.
No, no, there isn't.
Darrin could just shoot me for not liking it.
- For not liking it? - Well, I hardly ever wear it.
It's a sore subject with Darrin.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it.
- Oh, darling, you can count on me.
- Good.
Oh, how stupid of me.
Charlie, you've got to get that mink coat for me.
You have a closet full of those.
But this is made out of the pelts of identical twins.
If this coat is so special, honey, well, why doesn't Samantha like it? Don't be so dense.
She knows they can't afford it.
Yeah, but I'd feel funny.
You'd be doing Darrin a favour taking it off his hands.
He's probably up to his neck in hock for it.
I don't know.
If you don't get me that coat I'm gonna have a migraine till 1970.
Believe me, I don't feel bad.
As a matter of fact, I feel great.
- I finally beat Charlie at something.
- You said you lost by 12 strokes.
- Eleven! - Oh, pardon me.
But we flipped a coin to see who would tip the caddie, I won.
- It cost me 10 bucks, but I won.
- I love you, you nut.
I love Oh, come in.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
I just wanted to tell you that you have got another Arnie Palmer here.
- He made a shot - I told her.
What can we do for you? Well, we've known each other for a number of years, right, Dar? - Lf it's about the job - No, it isn't.
- Shall I excuse myself? - No, I want you to stay right here.
You are a very important part of this.
Dar, my wife wants to buy your wife's mink coat.
She's been bugging me since she saw it.
She's gonna make my life miserable for me.
Well, I don't get it, Charlie.
What's the joke? - She wants to buy my mink? - That's impossible.
I know you're touchy on the subject, Dar, but Why should I be touchy? Sam doesn't own a mink.
- Now I don't get it.
- Darrin, could I talk to you? - When? - Now? - Should I leave? - No.
It'll only take a minute.
Excuse us, Charlie.
Sam, what's this all about? Well Oh, Darrin.
Well, you see, Daphne said some very unkind things about you and about how you were doing.
Well, so I just zapped up a mink coat and said it was a present from you.
That's great.
- I'm sorry.
- We'll talk after we get rid of him.
I hope you kids have settled on a price.
- The coat's not for sale.
- We're making progress.
At least he said that there is a coat.
- Would you consider $5000? - Absolutely not.
Oh, I understand.
Sentimental value and all.
Let's say 6000 then.
Charlie, you can't put a price on sentiment.
Now, I know the coat was custom made from pelts of identical twins, so What? Identical mink twins? So how about $8500? Will you cut that out? You haven't seen the coat! It might have a hole in the pocket! Dar, Daphne wants it.
That's all I have to know.
Come on, kids, be realistic.
You certainly can't turn down 12,500.
The answer's no, Charlie.
No.
Samantha, talk to him.
Tell him you don't really even like the coat.
Well, Darrin, what was I to do? Daphne was being so patronizing.
She practically called you a loser.
So to prove what a winner I was, you gave yourself a mink coat.
Well, I'm sorry, darling.
But She could have said anything in the world about me but I didn't want her to knock you, don't you understand? Perfectly.
I'm enough of a breadwinner to provide necessities.
When it comes to luxuries I wanna give you I can't compete with witchcraft! I can't give you anything you can't zap up yourself.
Oh, Darrin, please let me explain.
Explain what? I think everything's all too clear.
Well.
- Hors d'oeuvre? - No, thank you.
Would you care to dance, Daphne? Senator, I know how you loathe vetoes, but I have a crushing migraine.
So sorry.
Hey, Darrin, what's wrong? You seem upset.
Have I done anything to offend you? No, Charlie.
You just helped put things in perspective for me.
- Daphne, can I see you for a moment? - Certainly.
You haven't by any chance changed your mind, have you? Daphne, the coat is yours.
Oh, you don't mean it.
- Charlie! - Please, just between you and me.
- Charlie! Darrin! - Daphne.
Oh, it's beautiful.
What's going on? Don't be too long.
She might change her mind.
Charlie will give you a check, Samantha.
Well, Daphne, you don't understand.
I'm giving it to you.
Giving it to me? Yes.
Charlie told me how much you admired it, and I want you to have it.
Well, that is a marvellous coat, Samantha.
This is worth a great deal of money.
You can't.
Oh, no, Samantha, you can't give away anything this valuable.
Oh, yes, you can, Daphne.
When you value something else a great deal more.
More than this? Oh, you're kidding.
No, I'm not.
I don't think I've ever been as serious or meant anything as much in my life.
Oh, Sam.
I'll get it, sweetheart.
- Mrs.
Stephens? This is for you.
- Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
Who is it, honey? Oh, it's a package, and by special messenger, no less.
Hey.
I haven't forgotten a birthday or an anniversary, have I? Of course not.
I wouldn't let you.
Well, who's it from? It's from Daphne and Charlie Harper.
"Dear Samantha, I'm returning the coat.
It would take volumes to explain why, but I have a feeling I don't need to make an explanation.
I'm certain you'll understand.
Please accept my thanks for giving me a sense of value.
Daphne.
" Oh, there's a P.
S.
From Charlie.
"Thanks for giving me a new Daphne.
Charlie.
" Hey, did we do all that? You did, sweetheart.
Honey, about this coat Are you sure you don't wanna keep the coat? Oh, sweetheart, I can zap up mink coats all day long.
But I can never zap up another Darrin Stephens.