Everybody Loves Raymond s03e25 Episode Script

Hey.
- Hey, Robert.
- Hey.
I just got off duty.
I kind of need to talk.
What's the matter, Robert? I made this traffic stop that's kind of bothering me.
Amy was in the car.
- Oh, Amy the virgin? - Oh, Ray! What, that's what she is, right? I'm not so sure anymore.
She was in the car with a guy.
They were all dressed up.
This was a date.
Well, Robert, you two did break up.
Yeah and you've been going on a few dates yourself, Mr.
Lucky Pants.
All right, Deb, tell me what you know about this guy.
- Uh - Hey-eh.
I know she's been seeing some people, but I don't know who James P.
Kitsos of Queens, hair brown, eyes green, not an organ donor.
Selfish bastard! It sounds like you miss Amy.
Why don't you give her a call? - Think she wants me to call her? - You want to call her? - Think she still likes me? - You still like her? Oh, my God! Why don't you wait till your acne clears up and give her a ride on your skateboard? Okay, you're right, you're right.
I gotta grow up.
I should be more mature about this.
Maybe I should take the boot off the guy's car.
- Amy! - Hi, Robert.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You know I've been wanting to talk to you since you pulled us over.
Listen, Amy, the ticket is written, but you can contest it in court if you want.
Oh, no, no, it's not that.
He was speeding.
Yeah.
You look nice.
Thanks.
You wanna come in? You look good too.
Thanks.
You know he's not an organ donor? We only went out a couple of times.
Look, it's none of my business.
You know his mother owns that car.
Robert, it wasn't that serious.
I'm just thinking about your safety.
I know you are.
Thank you.
Robert, I want you to know that even though we were speeding, there was never any moving violation.
But speeding is oh! Moving violation, right.
So you still haven't No.
Every time I date some other guy, I keep thinking of you.
Yeah, me too.
I mean you know what I mean.
Robert, you know I knew that was your speed trap.
I told him to drive faster.
I wanted to see you.
You didn't need him.
You could have driven yourself.
I would have pulled you over so fast.
I've already got eight points.
I didn't want to lose my license.
Pretty girl like you, would have let you off with a warning.
- Where are we going? - The bedroom.
But wait, we've never and you've never ever - Are you sure? - I'm sure.
Really? Robert, I've driven around long enough.
Beat it, Shamsky.
Yeah, you too, you too.
No, stay, finish your breakfast.
No, the least I can do is walk you to the elevator and push the up button for you.
- You mean down.
- No, no, I mean up.
'Cause that's the direction all angels go.
Maybe you should push down, 'cause you're a devil.
Oh, enough already.
Excuse me, can I help you? You want to help me? Close your bedroom curtains.
Oh my God, do you think he saw? Hey, you know, you really disrupted our Bible study last night.
- Sorry.
- We prayed for you.
I'm using the stairs.
I'll call you.
Okay, okay, drive safely.
Hey, saw the show last night.
We're in 9-J, if you want to give us a ring.
Hey, Deb.
Hi, Robert.
You talked to Amy.
- Did you tell anyone else? - No, no, I swear I didn't tell anyone.
Hey-hey, Robert! Oh, whoo-ee, whoo-ee, whoo! You know too? Deb, you said you didn't tell anyone.
She has to tell me, are you kidding? That's a rule of marriage.
A spouse automatically has the right to know that you deflowered a woman in front of your entire apartment building.
Ray! It wasn't the whole building.
You know, Amy isn't gonna be visiting your building anytime soon.
- If you know what she means.
- I didn't mean that.
She must hate me.
No, she doesn't hate you.
In fact, she's been trying to call you.
I haven't been home.
It's too embarrassing.
And hey, look at this.
These are up all over the building.
"Were you offended by the display?" It's a petition to make bedroom curtains mandatory.
I can't go back there.
Oh, you know what? You can stay here for a few nights.
- What? - Yeah, just until things calm down.
Hey, you could stay at Mom's.
Great food over there.
Here too, good food here.
I can't go over there.
She'll want me to move back in.
Look, she can't know I'm staying here.
No, no, no, we won't tell her.
Go ahead.
There's blankets and stuff in the hall closet.
You can stay downstairs in Ray's office.
Ah, great, thank you.
Are you nuts? What? It's just for a few days.
That's what he told Mom when he got divorced and he stayed for four years.
It'll be fine, Ray.
Come on, he's gonna be all sitting on the couch and watching television And that's really your special job, isn't it, Ray? You don't know.
Just wait till his shoes come off.
- Oh, his feet are fine.
- Yeah, fine.
If you're trying to jump-start a vomit.
Hey, Ray, I hope you don't mind I switched with one of your pillows.
You know, because down gives me nightmares.
Of geese? A goose will run right after you.
This is great, Ray.
I gotta tell you, I really appreciate it.
Is this guy amazing or what? Did you ever play guitar? Just this.
- I loved your hands.
- Yeah.
- Hey! - Yeah, oh.
- Hi, Ray.
- Hi, Amy.
Good to see you again.
So what are you guys doing? Nothing, just listening to some tunes.
You? I gotta print something up for work.
It's a tiny bit loud.
I can't even hear it now.
It's because you listen to it too loud.
- I should go.
- No! Ray, do you have to do this now? Yeah, yeah, sorry.
It's just gonna take a second.
Go ahead.
Don't jam.
Come on, come on.
Come on, don't jam! You know what? I'm just gonna gonna go work on this upstairs, okay? It'll still work.
It's not like I haven't Hello.
I brought lasagna.
Robby! - But Ma! - Oh God, Marie! Oh my God! What the hell is going on? Wait, Ma! Ma! Why, Robby, why? How could you? In Raymond's basement? Marie, it's not what you think.
Man, you just can't stop, can you? Can't stop? We thought everyone was asleep.
Debra invited me.
- Debra? - Yes, I said he could stay here.
Look, they are two consenting adults and that's what adults do.
The lucky adults.
Marie, why did you take the lasagna? Holy crap! Go ahead, I'll catch up.
Is this something you do? You come to Raymond's to to have relations? Okay, I'm caught up.
I'm sorry I baked you a lasagna.
How did you know I was here? - Ray squealed.
- Raymond! Come on, Ma, you were supposed to make it look casual.
Lasagna is casual.
It's not like I made steak pizzaiolla.
I just wanted a little privacy.
You should have thought of that before you and Amy did a puppet-show in front of your whole building.
- What? - What are you doing to me? You are out of control, young man No I'm not, Ma.
Hard to make that argument without pants.
He gets that from you you with your dirty magazines.
One "Playboy.
" For 29 years? I mean who keeps pornography for 29 years? - Anyone married to you.
- Oh.
He gets to have a "Playboy.
" Marie, I can understand why you'd be so upset.
I thought you were saving yourself.
I was.
I did.
Oh, Amy! Amy.
I thought I knew you.
But you had us all fooled, didn't you? It wasn't like Debra where we knew what we were getting.
Excuse me? I can't believe this.
Amy, look, it's okay.
You don't understand, Ma.
Amy wasn't trying to fool anyone.
She cares about me.
She listens.
She doesn't laugh at me when I eat.
In fact, she's the most wonderful woman I've ever met.
What I'm trying to say is, Amy and I are in love.
Oh my God! You're getting married? Uh Yup.
Wonderful! Hey, that's great.
So you're moving out then, right? I couldn't wish for a nicer daughter-in-law.
Let's celebrate with some lasagna.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! We're not getting married.
Of course, you're getting married.
Don't be silly.
That makes everything all right.
Robert, six months ago when I asked about our future you freaked out and we broke up.
Now you're ready to get married just because you're afraid of what your mother thinks? Sometimes a mother knows best, dear.
Sometimes a mother should just butt out! Hey, Robert, you've got to marry this one.
I will not be talked to that way.
Look, sorry.
I've had a very rough couple of days here.
I wait my whole life for the right time and the right man to be my first and now an entire building has a petition against me.
And then the second time I'm with my first, his mother walks in on us.
And now you're ready to get married just to make her happy? What is this hold she has on you? See, it's not just me.
I can't even cry, because if I dab my eyes, my pants will fall down.
So excuse me, Marie, for not being polite.
And by the way, sometimes the noodles in your lasagna are overcooked.
Clearly, that is not the girl for you.
You understand, Robby? Robby? Robby! Where is he going? Maybe his wallet is in those pants.
You see, Debra, huh? Do you hear the way your friend talks to a mother? I am so glad you introduced her to my son.
So am I, Marie.
I think Amy is the best thing that ever happened to Robert.
Ray.
Ray, you're supposed to follow me now.
I think your noodles are perfect.
I have never been treated so disrespectfully in my whole life.
Frank, I'm leaving.
Coming! - Hey.
- Hey.
I know, I know, you're in 9-J.