Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e25 Episode Script
LeBeau and the Little Old Lady
( theme song playing ) Why is it me always has to go on this mission?! Why do I always have to risk my life? And for what? To give a message to an old lady who hates me.
Isn't anyone going to say something? Gin.
That's not what he wanted to hear, Carter.
It's not what I wanted to hear either.
And you're all supposed to be my buddies.
Ha! I would get more sympathy from the dirty Boches.
Come on, LeBeau, it's not our fault the underground picked a crotchety little old lady to run their message center.
But why am I always the one to go?! It's your own fault.
You never should have told everyone what a mean old goat she is.
Here you are, LeBeau.
Maybe this will help.
What is this? It's the address of the chaplain in my unit.
Write to him about your troubles.
Still here, LeBeau? He's hoping one of us'll volunteer to deliver the message.
Come on, you know they've all had their share of dangerous assignments.
It's not the danger I mind, but every time I have to meet that old lady I get sick to my stomach.
It can't be that bad.
It can't? Her apartment is over a German restaurant.
Maybe you'll get lucky today and pick up a tailwind.
Some pals.
Gin.
You didn't even pick a card.
Right, I got it on the deal.
How many points do you have in your hand? Plenty.
Kinch, you're my friend.
Why don't you take my place? You're talking to a man on a three-way blitz.
The way his luck is going today, he'd never make it out the tunnel.
Why don't you just deliver your message to your old lady, like a good lad? All right, I'll go.
I hope with all this you haven't forgotten the message.
"London advises the troop train will arrive at the Weingarten railroad yard at exactly 4:28 p.
m.
tomorrow.
" Right.
Hey, LeBeau.
What? Her name's "Wilhelmina"? Yes, why? Well, that's Dutch, isn't it? Right.
Would you ask her if it's true about that little kid that put his finger in the dike? Carter, do you think that's all LeBeau's got to do is ask her stupid questions like that? Thanks, Newkirk.
I want you to ask that little old lady about Hans Brinker and his silver skates.
You're all very amusing.
They make jokes when they're worried.
Nothing to worry about-- the Boches will never get me.
Look, we know it's a dangerous assignment, but if that little old lady's as bad as you've told us she is, it's better that the same man be the contact.
I guess she's not so terrible.
It's like visiting your grandmother once a week.
Hello, Wilhelmina.
Hello, LeBeau.
Did you have any trouble getting by the Gestapo? No, not much.
Would you like some coffee? Yes.
I always worry.
It's so dangerous.
But sometime I would think they would send one of the other men.
Somehow none of the other men ever volunteered.
( electronic beeping ) Emergency message from headquarters.
Bad news? The Gestapo's got a drive on.
They're picking up agents from all over the area.
Anyone we know? Come on, I only need one card for gin.
I know that, mate.
( chuckles softly ) Well, you're not getting that.
I'd go to my grave with this, love.
Gin.
Weren't you saving tens? That's what I thought you thought.
Just add up your points.
Thirty-five.
That's a three-way blitz! Should have gone out with LeBeau.
I don't think so.
Is something wrong, sir? We just got a radio message from London.
One of our Resistance units, Wooden Shoes, got picked up by the Gestapo.
Yeah, they must have gotten the information about Wilhelmina.
They could have picked her and LeBeau up by now.
He's been gone all day.
And you know he delivers the message to the old lady and gets out of that apartment as fast as he can.
The patrol has just gone around the corner, LeBeau.
This would be a good time for you to leave.
But I just got here.
You've been here since morning, and it's almost dark.
Now, please go.
Oh, there is something I have to ask you.
What is it? Is the story true about a little Dutch boy who put his finger in a dike? If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't be in the underground.
Now go-- you'll miss your roll call.
Somebody will cover for me.
Unlike the Gestapo, who stops everybody for questioning.
I will avoid them.
LeBeau, in a few moments the restaurant below starts cooking dinner.
I'll go.
And thank you again.
The information on the troop movements means so much to those who fight for our cause.
I understand.
I like you, Wilhelmina.
And I like you, LeBeau.
Do you like me for myself or my troop movements? What do you think? I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I feel like a heel.
After all these weeks on that assignment, LeBeau was bound to be pressing his luck.
I feel rotten, too.
If he'd said Wilhelmina was a young blonde, we'd all broken our backs to go out.
I would've gone to meet her with a Union Jack singing "God Save the King.
" Look, you've all taken your share of risks.
Stop feeling guilty.
I'll tell you one thing, if he ever gets back, I'll never let him go see that old crow again.
That goes for me, too.
Sir, you can add my name to the list.
( trapdoor rattles ) HOGAN: LeBeau.
NEWKIRK: LeBeau! Louis, what have you been doing? Mon ami, we were worried about you.
What happened? What were you all worried about?! The Gestapo will never get me! What are you shouting for? Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel.
You see, I'm so used to yelling at that old lady.
She's hard of hearing, you know.
You're not going to be yelling at her any longer.
What do you mean? The Gestapo picked up one of the underground units that she's worked with.
One way or another, they usually find the radio.
HOGAN: Where are you going? To save her.
Forget it-- they probably picked her up already.
But I've got to try.
No deal-- the whole town will be filled with Krauts looking for the apartment.
But we can't turn our backs on that old lady.
With her rheumatism, she couldn't make it down the stairs.
With her bad eyes, she couldn't see the Gestapo.
And when they told her to halt, she wouldn't hear them and they would shoot her.
Well, your getting captured isn't going to help her, so forget it.
Nobody leaves camp-- including you.
Yes, sir.
( grunts sleepily ) ( whimpering ) He's not in any of the tunnels.
I couldn't find him anywhere, sir.
Neither could I.
You sure you looked everywhere? Can only mean one thing-- he sneaked out to help that little old lady.
Yeah, he's a good-hearted little guy.
Sure, and if he's caught, he blows our whole operation.
You want us to go after him, Colonel? No, the Gestapo are everywhere.
What do we do, sir? In time of trouble, there's always one man I can turn to.
Who's that? Klink! Raus, everybody, raus.
Roll call! Colonel Hogan, roll call.
Everybody, raus.
Forget roll call, Schultz.
Everybody's here but LeBeau.
He's escaped.
I'm not interested in rumors.
I'm telling you, Schultz, he's gone.
There's no escape from Stalag 13.
That's an order by Kommandant Klink.
Now raus! Raus, everybody! Okay, Schultz, have your roll call.
See for yourself.
I see nothing.
Now, raus, raus, raus, raus, raus.
Come on, mach schnell.
Raus, everybody.
Now, come on, roll call! What's the matter with you? Roll call, mach schnell! Now, everybody, roll call.
Stand at attention, do you understand? ( sighs ) Okay, Schultz, have your roll call.
I don't have to-- everybody's here.
I demand you have a roll call.
I don't have to! Under the Geneva Convention, you've got to have a roll call every day.
All right-- Hogan.
Here.
Newkirk.
Here! Carter.
Here! LeBeau-- here.
Okay.
Wait a minute, Schultz-- I heard that.
Report! Herr Kommandant! All present and accounted for.
KLINK: Dis missed! Dis Just a minute, Kommandant, one of my men is missing.
Missing from what? Stalag 13-- he's escaped.
Schultz, didn't you say that all men were present and accounted for?! Herr Kommandant, will you take the word of an irresponsible American prisoner or the word of one of your most trustworthy, loyal and efficient sergeants? If you're smart, Schultz, you'll rephrase the question.
Hogan, which one of your men is missing? LeBeau.
Oh, Herr Kommandant, please do not listen to him.
LeBeau! Here.
When I just called LeBeau, did you say "here"? Oh, did you call LeBeau, Herr Kommandant? I thought you were calling Schultz.
You just got to face it, Kommandant, LeBeau has escaped.
Don't use that word in my presence.
Did you check the de-lousing station? Oh, a very good idea, Herr Kommandant.
Forget it-- you'll never find him in this camp.
Schultz! Here.
Dummkopf, I know you're here.
Sound the alarm, release the dogs.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
LeBeau will not get away with this.
When he is captured, he will get 60 days in the cooler! Dis missed! ( alarm bell ringing ) ( dogs barking ) Why'd you turn him in, Colonel? So Klink could capture him instead of the Gestapo.
Right? Right.
He needs a bloodhound to find the camp.
He'll never capture LeBeau.
That's why we're going to help him.
And you mean to tell me that in two hours you didn't find a trace of that prisoner? Sir, I assure you I've already taken some very drastic action.
All right, read me back that letter.
"To: General Burkhalter.
"Subject: Personnel replacement.
Dear General.
" That's as far as you got, sir.
Right.
Dear General, this is an urgent request to replace four members of my camp personnel-- DerWolfgang, Heidi, Hans and Gerta, our German shepherd guard dogs.
They have become lazy, inefficient and vicious.
I thought they were supposed to be vicious.
Not to me.
Dogs and kids are great judges of character.
Hogan, I am not amused.
My sense of humor left with LeBeau.
Dismissed.
My kindest regards to Frau Burkhalter, et cetera, et cetera.
Heil Hitler.
Would you like me to send the daily prisoner roll call with this, sir? Not until I recapture the prisoner who did not escape.
Hogan, I said dismissed.
Okay, I just dropped by to tell you where LeBeau's hiding.
The day you tell me where one of your prisoners is hiding is the day you send a birthday gift to Goering.
Ask Hermann who sent him the girdle last year.
Out! Out! Out! I just hope the Gestapo doesn't get into this.
If Major Hochstetter has to recapture your prisoner, you'll never hear the end of it.
Why would Major Hochstetter's men find LeBeau before my men? His dogs are smarter.
They use Belgian shepherds.
You use German.
The German shepherd dog is the smartest dog in the world.
They couldn't find the mess hall, but I can find LeBeau for you.
Hogan, why are you being so helpful? Because I don't want Major Hochstetter and the Gestapo to get him.
All right.
Where's the prisoner hiding? Not so fast.
I knew there was a catch to it.
There's no catch, just a simple deal.
You take Newkirk, Carter and me with you and we'll show you where to find the prisoner.
You call that a simple deal? We don't want your trigger-happy guards to get him.
And what if I refuse? Then the Gestapo picks up LeBeau, your escape-proof record is ruined, loud-mouth Hochstetter spreads it all over Berlin, and you're standing on a corner in Stalingrad thumbing through a Russian/German dictionary.
For the last time, Schultzy, open that door.
You heard him, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan said we're going downtown.
I do not take any orders from Colonel Hogan.
Open the door, Schultz.
Jawohl, Colonel.
But, Colonel Hogan, wait a minute.
Colonel Hogan Oh, Commandant Klink.
Never mind, Schultz.
Just get in the car and start driving.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Schultz! ( tires screeching ) Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Come in, please, Wooden Shoe.
( sighs ) Now will you leave? I can't.
I told you the Gestapo has picked him up.
They are sure to be looking for you.
I must remain here.
My other contact, Windmill, needs me.
They don't need you dead.
Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Come in, please, Wooden Shoe.
There are still no soldiers around this building.
Come.
I am not going.
If your contacts knew you were in danger, they would want you to leave.
Please, LeBeau, you go.
No, if you stay, I stay.
But why would you want to stay? Don't you know by now? If you want me to go, I'll go.
All right, Schultz, here it is.
Our deal with Klink is for you to stay here.
We'll bring him out.
Jawohl, Colonel Hogan.
( door slams ) That poor old lady died this morning and this is her replacement.
Sorry to hear that.
We've been had, mates.
Boy, have we been had.
I got to hand it to you, LeBeau.
It's the greatest snow job since Mount Everest.
Hi, I'm Colonel Hogan.
Hello, I'm Wilhelmina.
Junior.
I guess you probably won't be needing this ear trumpet.
Nor this shawl and cane.
Throw them out the window.
I don't understand.
You brought that for me? From LeBeau's description, we expected a little old lady.
Well, when you're five-foot-three, you can't take chances.
Funny, I always thought you were six-foot-three.
If we don't get out of here, we'll all be three-foot-six.
Do you have a plan to get her out, Colonel? We have to get her to the flower shop on the Bundesplatz.
The underground will take her from there.
That's if you can get down the stairs with your rheumatism.
Newkirk.
Hey, LeBeau, you've known Wilhelmina the longest, so you can be the last to kiss her good-bye and I shall be the first.
HOGAN: Hold it! What's the matter, Colonel? Hochstetter just arrived.
Do you think he spotted this house? He should.
He's brought every tracking device but an Apache scout.
Who is Hochstetter? Your friendly neighborhood Gestapo dealer.
Is he sending his men up? Not yet.
Klink's giving him a bad time.
( arguing ) Attaboy! Way to go, Klink! Let's hear it for our favorite Kraut! Maybe we could make it out the back of the building.
No, we came in through the front door.
We'll go out through the front door.
Stand aside, Klink.
My men are going to search this house.
Major Hochstetter, that won't be necessary.
The prisoner will be brought out by my efficient, trusted and dependable sergeants.
Oh, I didn't know they sent a replacement for Schultz.
Oh, they haven't.
Sergeant Schultz is perfectly capable of taking ( dogs barking ) Are those Belgian shepherd dogs? Of course.
May I ask where you got them, Major Hochstetter? Never mind the dogs now, Klink.
There is a radio operator for the underground hiding in this house.
Major Hochstetter, the underground is your problem and the escaped prisoner is my problem.
Don't tell me what is Gestapo business! Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in the neighborhood.
What is this man doing here? You see, Major Hochstetter, the prisoner's here and my efficient, trusted and dependable sergeants.
Where?! Where?! If you would run your camp properly, Klink, he would have never escaped in the first place.
Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.
What is this man doing here? Major Hochstetter, I assure you that Klink, you have delayed me long enough.
We are going to search this building.
For what? He thinks that there's an underground contact here.
Oh, we didn't see anybody.
Do you see, I told you so.
What is this man doing here?! You're shouting again.
Somebody's going to call a cop.
You don't have to take Colonel Hogan's word, sir.
Ask her.
Excuse me, Fraulein, but have you seen anyone suspicious in this building? What is it you say, young man? Speak right in there.
Excuse me, Fraulein, but did you see anyone suspicious in this building? Jawohl, in the apartment number five.
Five.
Come! All right, everyone into the car.
Just a minute, Colonel.
Hogan, what is it? Fraulein, may we give you a lift? May we give you a lift? Danke schon.
That would be very nice.
I go to the Bundesplatz.
Oh, it's right on our way.
Hogan, you should not have invited that old lady.
You can speak up.
She's deaf as a post.
Hogan, you should not have invited that old lady.
That's not very nice, Colonel.
She's doing her part for the war effort-- working at the canteen, selling doughnuts and coffee, dancing with the troops.
Hogan, you're impossible.
We better hurry, sir.
I don't want to miss roll call.
You get in first, Newkirk, and I'll sit on your lap.
Oh, come on, you weigh a ton.
You get in first.
I think we should get in first.
LeBeau's right.
I will decide where you sit.
Newkirk, in.
Carter, on his lap.
Right.
Then Hogan, then LeBeau, and then this old lady.
Now let's go.
All set back here, Schultz.
Schultz! ( tires screeching ) Bet you haven't seen too many prisoners kissing little old German ladies, Kommandant.
No.
You know something? LeBeau is really quite sentimental.
Mm-hmm.
So am I.
I'm not going to give him in the cooler.
You're not? Colonel, you've got a heart as big as the whole Reichstag.
Gin.
Right again.
( thumping ) KINCH: Hey, good news, LeBeau.
What's that? Message from London.
The old crow is safe and sends her love.
Dinner's on me tonight, gentlemen.
That's the name and address of the new underground contact.
"Juliana.
" Sounds like another doll.
Who wants to volunteer? Not you, LeBeau.
Newkirk, how about you? If you don't mind, sir, I'll pass.
Lightning seldom strikes twice in the same place.
Carter, you want to take a chance? I've always had bad luck on blind dates, sir.
No, no, not me, sir.
Well, somebody's got to go.
Juliana? Yeah.
( chuckling ) They're never going to believe me.
Well, well, well.
Hello, Colonel.
NEWKIRK: Hail, the conquering hero comes.
Well, sir, what was she like? Do the numbers 38, 26, 36 mean anything to you? Oh, sure.
( group chuckles ) Sorry, Colonel, I'm not going to be fooled again.
I still pass.
Yes, sir, I'm afraid you're still stuck with her.
Have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool you guys.
( whistling jauntily )
Isn't anyone going to say something? Gin.
That's not what he wanted to hear, Carter.
It's not what I wanted to hear either.
And you're all supposed to be my buddies.
Ha! I would get more sympathy from the dirty Boches.
Come on, LeBeau, it's not our fault the underground picked a crotchety little old lady to run their message center.
But why am I always the one to go?! It's your own fault.
You never should have told everyone what a mean old goat she is.
Here you are, LeBeau.
Maybe this will help.
What is this? It's the address of the chaplain in my unit.
Write to him about your troubles.
Still here, LeBeau? He's hoping one of us'll volunteer to deliver the message.
Come on, you know they've all had their share of dangerous assignments.
It's not the danger I mind, but every time I have to meet that old lady I get sick to my stomach.
It can't be that bad.
It can't? Her apartment is over a German restaurant.
Maybe you'll get lucky today and pick up a tailwind.
Some pals.
Gin.
You didn't even pick a card.
Right, I got it on the deal.
How many points do you have in your hand? Plenty.
Kinch, you're my friend.
Why don't you take my place? You're talking to a man on a three-way blitz.
The way his luck is going today, he'd never make it out the tunnel.
Why don't you just deliver your message to your old lady, like a good lad? All right, I'll go.
I hope with all this you haven't forgotten the message.
"London advises the troop train will arrive at the Weingarten railroad yard at exactly 4:28 p.
m.
tomorrow.
" Right.
Hey, LeBeau.
What? Her name's "Wilhelmina"? Yes, why? Well, that's Dutch, isn't it? Right.
Would you ask her if it's true about that little kid that put his finger in the dike? Carter, do you think that's all LeBeau's got to do is ask her stupid questions like that? Thanks, Newkirk.
I want you to ask that little old lady about Hans Brinker and his silver skates.
You're all very amusing.
They make jokes when they're worried.
Nothing to worry about-- the Boches will never get me.
Look, we know it's a dangerous assignment, but if that little old lady's as bad as you've told us she is, it's better that the same man be the contact.
I guess she's not so terrible.
It's like visiting your grandmother once a week.
Hello, Wilhelmina.
Hello, LeBeau.
Did you have any trouble getting by the Gestapo? No, not much.
Would you like some coffee? Yes.
I always worry.
It's so dangerous.
But sometime I would think they would send one of the other men.
Somehow none of the other men ever volunteered.
( electronic beeping ) Emergency message from headquarters.
Bad news? The Gestapo's got a drive on.
They're picking up agents from all over the area.
Anyone we know? Come on, I only need one card for gin.
I know that, mate.
( chuckles softly ) Well, you're not getting that.
I'd go to my grave with this, love.
Gin.
Weren't you saving tens? That's what I thought you thought.
Just add up your points.
Thirty-five.
That's a three-way blitz! Should have gone out with LeBeau.
I don't think so.
Is something wrong, sir? We just got a radio message from London.
One of our Resistance units, Wooden Shoes, got picked up by the Gestapo.
Yeah, they must have gotten the information about Wilhelmina.
They could have picked her and LeBeau up by now.
He's been gone all day.
And you know he delivers the message to the old lady and gets out of that apartment as fast as he can.
The patrol has just gone around the corner, LeBeau.
This would be a good time for you to leave.
But I just got here.
You've been here since morning, and it's almost dark.
Now, please go.
Oh, there is something I have to ask you.
What is it? Is the story true about a little Dutch boy who put his finger in a dike? If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't be in the underground.
Now go-- you'll miss your roll call.
Somebody will cover for me.
Unlike the Gestapo, who stops everybody for questioning.
I will avoid them.
LeBeau, in a few moments the restaurant below starts cooking dinner.
I'll go.
And thank you again.
The information on the troop movements means so much to those who fight for our cause.
I understand.
I like you, Wilhelmina.
And I like you, LeBeau.
Do you like me for myself or my troop movements? What do you think? I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I feel like a heel.
After all these weeks on that assignment, LeBeau was bound to be pressing his luck.
I feel rotten, too.
If he'd said Wilhelmina was a young blonde, we'd all broken our backs to go out.
I would've gone to meet her with a Union Jack singing "God Save the King.
" Look, you've all taken your share of risks.
Stop feeling guilty.
I'll tell you one thing, if he ever gets back, I'll never let him go see that old crow again.
That goes for me, too.
Sir, you can add my name to the list.
( trapdoor rattles ) HOGAN: LeBeau.
NEWKIRK: LeBeau! Louis, what have you been doing? Mon ami, we were worried about you.
What happened? What were you all worried about?! The Gestapo will never get me! What are you shouting for? Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel.
You see, I'm so used to yelling at that old lady.
She's hard of hearing, you know.
You're not going to be yelling at her any longer.
What do you mean? The Gestapo picked up one of the underground units that she's worked with.
One way or another, they usually find the radio.
HOGAN: Where are you going? To save her.
Forget it-- they probably picked her up already.
But I've got to try.
No deal-- the whole town will be filled with Krauts looking for the apartment.
But we can't turn our backs on that old lady.
With her rheumatism, she couldn't make it down the stairs.
With her bad eyes, she couldn't see the Gestapo.
And when they told her to halt, she wouldn't hear them and they would shoot her.
Well, your getting captured isn't going to help her, so forget it.
Nobody leaves camp-- including you.
Yes, sir.
( grunts sleepily ) ( whimpering ) He's not in any of the tunnels.
I couldn't find him anywhere, sir.
Neither could I.
You sure you looked everywhere? Can only mean one thing-- he sneaked out to help that little old lady.
Yeah, he's a good-hearted little guy.
Sure, and if he's caught, he blows our whole operation.
You want us to go after him, Colonel? No, the Gestapo are everywhere.
What do we do, sir? In time of trouble, there's always one man I can turn to.
Who's that? Klink! Raus, everybody, raus.
Roll call! Colonel Hogan, roll call.
Everybody, raus.
Forget roll call, Schultz.
Everybody's here but LeBeau.
He's escaped.
I'm not interested in rumors.
I'm telling you, Schultz, he's gone.
There's no escape from Stalag 13.
That's an order by Kommandant Klink.
Now raus! Raus, everybody! Okay, Schultz, have your roll call.
See for yourself.
I see nothing.
Now, raus, raus, raus, raus, raus.
Come on, mach schnell.
Raus, everybody.
Now, come on, roll call! What's the matter with you? Roll call, mach schnell! Now, everybody, roll call.
Stand at attention, do you understand? ( sighs ) Okay, Schultz, have your roll call.
I don't have to-- everybody's here.
I demand you have a roll call.
I don't have to! Under the Geneva Convention, you've got to have a roll call every day.
All right-- Hogan.
Here.
Newkirk.
Here! Carter.
Here! LeBeau-- here.
Okay.
Wait a minute, Schultz-- I heard that.
Report! Herr Kommandant! All present and accounted for.
KLINK: Dis missed! Dis Just a minute, Kommandant, one of my men is missing.
Missing from what? Stalag 13-- he's escaped.
Schultz, didn't you say that all men were present and accounted for?! Herr Kommandant, will you take the word of an irresponsible American prisoner or the word of one of your most trustworthy, loyal and efficient sergeants? If you're smart, Schultz, you'll rephrase the question.
Hogan, which one of your men is missing? LeBeau.
Oh, Herr Kommandant, please do not listen to him.
LeBeau! Here.
When I just called LeBeau, did you say "here"? Oh, did you call LeBeau, Herr Kommandant? I thought you were calling Schultz.
You just got to face it, Kommandant, LeBeau has escaped.
Don't use that word in my presence.
Did you check the de-lousing station? Oh, a very good idea, Herr Kommandant.
Forget it-- you'll never find him in this camp.
Schultz! Here.
Dummkopf, I know you're here.
Sound the alarm, release the dogs.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
LeBeau will not get away with this.
When he is captured, he will get 60 days in the cooler! Dis missed! ( alarm bell ringing ) ( dogs barking ) Why'd you turn him in, Colonel? So Klink could capture him instead of the Gestapo.
Right? Right.
He needs a bloodhound to find the camp.
He'll never capture LeBeau.
That's why we're going to help him.
And you mean to tell me that in two hours you didn't find a trace of that prisoner? Sir, I assure you I've already taken some very drastic action.
All right, read me back that letter.
"To: General Burkhalter.
"Subject: Personnel replacement.
Dear General.
" That's as far as you got, sir.
Right.
Dear General, this is an urgent request to replace four members of my camp personnel-- DerWolfgang, Heidi, Hans and Gerta, our German shepherd guard dogs.
They have become lazy, inefficient and vicious.
I thought they were supposed to be vicious.
Not to me.
Dogs and kids are great judges of character.
Hogan, I am not amused.
My sense of humor left with LeBeau.
Dismissed.
My kindest regards to Frau Burkhalter, et cetera, et cetera.
Heil Hitler.
Would you like me to send the daily prisoner roll call with this, sir? Not until I recapture the prisoner who did not escape.
Hogan, I said dismissed.
Okay, I just dropped by to tell you where LeBeau's hiding.
The day you tell me where one of your prisoners is hiding is the day you send a birthday gift to Goering.
Ask Hermann who sent him the girdle last year.
Out! Out! Out! I just hope the Gestapo doesn't get into this.
If Major Hochstetter has to recapture your prisoner, you'll never hear the end of it.
Why would Major Hochstetter's men find LeBeau before my men? His dogs are smarter.
They use Belgian shepherds.
You use German.
The German shepherd dog is the smartest dog in the world.
They couldn't find the mess hall, but I can find LeBeau for you.
Hogan, why are you being so helpful? Because I don't want Major Hochstetter and the Gestapo to get him.
All right.
Where's the prisoner hiding? Not so fast.
I knew there was a catch to it.
There's no catch, just a simple deal.
You take Newkirk, Carter and me with you and we'll show you where to find the prisoner.
You call that a simple deal? We don't want your trigger-happy guards to get him.
And what if I refuse? Then the Gestapo picks up LeBeau, your escape-proof record is ruined, loud-mouth Hochstetter spreads it all over Berlin, and you're standing on a corner in Stalingrad thumbing through a Russian/German dictionary.
For the last time, Schultzy, open that door.
You heard him, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan said we're going downtown.
I do not take any orders from Colonel Hogan.
Open the door, Schultz.
Jawohl, Colonel.
But, Colonel Hogan, wait a minute.
Colonel Hogan Oh, Commandant Klink.
Never mind, Schultz.
Just get in the car and start driving.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Schultz! ( tires screeching ) Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Come in, please, Wooden Shoe.
( sighs ) Now will you leave? I can't.
I told you the Gestapo has picked him up.
They are sure to be looking for you.
I must remain here.
My other contact, Windmill, needs me.
They don't need you dead.
Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Come in, please, Wooden Shoe.
There are still no soldiers around this building.
Come.
I am not going.
If your contacts knew you were in danger, they would want you to leave.
Please, LeBeau, you go.
No, if you stay, I stay.
But why would you want to stay? Don't you know by now? If you want me to go, I'll go.
All right, Schultz, here it is.
Our deal with Klink is for you to stay here.
We'll bring him out.
Jawohl, Colonel Hogan.
( door slams ) That poor old lady died this morning and this is her replacement.
Sorry to hear that.
We've been had, mates.
Boy, have we been had.
I got to hand it to you, LeBeau.
It's the greatest snow job since Mount Everest.
Hi, I'm Colonel Hogan.
Hello, I'm Wilhelmina.
Junior.
I guess you probably won't be needing this ear trumpet.
Nor this shawl and cane.
Throw them out the window.
I don't understand.
You brought that for me? From LeBeau's description, we expected a little old lady.
Well, when you're five-foot-three, you can't take chances.
Funny, I always thought you were six-foot-three.
If we don't get out of here, we'll all be three-foot-six.
Do you have a plan to get her out, Colonel? We have to get her to the flower shop on the Bundesplatz.
The underground will take her from there.
That's if you can get down the stairs with your rheumatism.
Newkirk.
Hey, LeBeau, you've known Wilhelmina the longest, so you can be the last to kiss her good-bye and I shall be the first.
HOGAN: Hold it! What's the matter, Colonel? Hochstetter just arrived.
Do you think he spotted this house? He should.
He's brought every tracking device but an Apache scout.
Who is Hochstetter? Your friendly neighborhood Gestapo dealer.
Is he sending his men up? Not yet.
Klink's giving him a bad time.
( arguing ) Attaboy! Way to go, Klink! Let's hear it for our favorite Kraut! Maybe we could make it out the back of the building.
No, we came in through the front door.
We'll go out through the front door.
Stand aside, Klink.
My men are going to search this house.
Major Hochstetter, that won't be necessary.
The prisoner will be brought out by my efficient, trusted and dependable sergeants.
Oh, I didn't know they sent a replacement for Schultz.
Oh, they haven't.
Sergeant Schultz is perfectly capable of taking ( dogs barking ) Are those Belgian shepherd dogs? Of course.
May I ask where you got them, Major Hochstetter? Never mind the dogs now, Klink.
There is a radio operator for the underground hiding in this house.
Major Hochstetter, the underground is your problem and the escaped prisoner is my problem.
Don't tell me what is Gestapo business! Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in the neighborhood.
What is this man doing here? You see, Major Hochstetter, the prisoner's here and my efficient, trusted and dependable sergeants.
Where?! Where?! If you would run your camp properly, Klink, he would have never escaped in the first place.
Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.
What is this man doing here? Major Hochstetter, I assure you that Klink, you have delayed me long enough.
We are going to search this building.
For what? He thinks that there's an underground contact here.
Oh, we didn't see anybody.
Do you see, I told you so.
What is this man doing here?! You're shouting again.
Somebody's going to call a cop.
You don't have to take Colonel Hogan's word, sir.
Ask her.
Excuse me, Fraulein, but have you seen anyone suspicious in this building? What is it you say, young man? Speak right in there.
Excuse me, Fraulein, but did you see anyone suspicious in this building? Jawohl, in the apartment number five.
Five.
Come! All right, everyone into the car.
Just a minute, Colonel.
Hogan, what is it? Fraulein, may we give you a lift? May we give you a lift? Danke schon.
That would be very nice.
I go to the Bundesplatz.
Oh, it's right on our way.
Hogan, you should not have invited that old lady.
You can speak up.
She's deaf as a post.
Hogan, you should not have invited that old lady.
That's not very nice, Colonel.
She's doing her part for the war effort-- working at the canteen, selling doughnuts and coffee, dancing with the troops.
Hogan, you're impossible.
We better hurry, sir.
I don't want to miss roll call.
You get in first, Newkirk, and I'll sit on your lap.
Oh, come on, you weigh a ton.
You get in first.
I think we should get in first.
LeBeau's right.
I will decide where you sit.
Newkirk, in.
Carter, on his lap.
Right.
Then Hogan, then LeBeau, and then this old lady.
Now let's go.
All set back here, Schultz.
Schultz! ( tires screeching ) Bet you haven't seen too many prisoners kissing little old German ladies, Kommandant.
No.
You know something? LeBeau is really quite sentimental.
Mm-hmm.
So am I.
I'm not going to give him in the cooler.
You're not? Colonel, you've got a heart as big as the whole Reichstag.
Gin.
Right again.
( thumping ) KINCH: Hey, good news, LeBeau.
What's that? Message from London.
The old crow is safe and sends her love.
Dinner's on me tonight, gentlemen.
That's the name and address of the new underground contact.
"Juliana.
" Sounds like another doll.
Who wants to volunteer? Not you, LeBeau.
Newkirk, how about you? If you don't mind, sir, I'll pass.
Lightning seldom strikes twice in the same place.
Carter, you want to take a chance? I've always had bad luck on blind dates, sir.
No, no, not me, sir.
Well, somebody's got to go.
Juliana? Yeah.
( chuckling ) They're never going to believe me.
Well, well, well.
Hello, Colonel.
NEWKIRK: Hail, the conquering hero comes.
Well, sir, what was she like? Do the numbers 38, 26, 36 mean anything to you? Oh, sure.
( group chuckles ) Sorry, Colonel, I'm not going to be fooled again.
I still pass.
Yes, sir, I'm afraid you're still stuck with her.
Have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool you guys.
( whistling jauntily )