I Love Lucy (1951) s03e25 Episode Script
The Black Wig
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Can I borrow some cream? Shh! Not so loud.
(whispering): Good morning, Lucy.
Can I borrow some cream? What's the matter? Someone who shall be nameless is in a Cuban snit this morning.
Oh.
What did you do? Nothing! Everything went wrong down at the club last night.
The cleaner forgot to bring his tuxedo.
One act didn't show up.
Right in the middle of his big number, the lights went out all over the whole neighborhood.
Oh.
How long did that last? For hours.
Everybody got up and, and left and went into the nightclub across the street.
How'd they manage without electricity? Liberace was playing there.
Huh? He does his show by candlelight.
Oh.
(laughing) Sure.
(laughing) Oh, well, I don't blame Ricky for being sore.
Well, neither do I, but things aren't going to be very pleasant around here today.
He's as grumpy as a kangaroo with a porcupine in his pouch.
You want some coffee? No, thanks.
Fred's waiting for his breakfast.
I'll just get my cream.
Oh, gee, I envy you, Ethel.
Why? Because Fred is so predictable.
You never have to worry about what kind of a mood he's going to be in.
Yeah, he's always got a porcupine in his pouch.
(laughing) Hi, honey.
Hi, Ricky.
That orange juice is sour.
Well, that's not the only thing that's sour around here.
What do you mean? You might at least say good morning to Ethel.
Hi.
Oh, I liked it better when he ignored me.
Well, don't worry, Ethel.
He'll get over it.
Oh, sure.
He'll soon be his usual old charming, smiling self, won't you, Ricky? (guffawing) No, Ethel Aw, I can make Ricky smile.
Come on now, Ricky, smile for me.
I can make you smile.
(laughing) Aw, now, Ricky, how would it be if your face froze like that? How would it be if you minded your own business? Well! Doesn't your little playmate ever go home? Hi, honey bunch.
Oh, shut up.
Now, what did I do? You're just as grumpy as he is.
Well, what did I do? Nothing, Fred.
Ethel's upset at Ricky.
Now, Ricky, you tell Ethel you're sorry for what you said.
I'm sorry, Ethel.
Yeah.
I mean it.
I'm, I'm sorry.
I'm just so upset, I don't know what I'm doing.
Now, what's Lucy done? Nothing! Why is it always my fault? Hmm.
Oh, really, Fred, Lucy had nothing to do this time.
I apologize.
Well, all right.
It's just that everything went wrong at the club last night.
The guy didn't bring my tuxedo Now, honey, honey, honey The guy went out Listen, honey, honey, in the middle don't talk about it anymore.
You're just going to get yourself all upset again.
Okay.
I'm telling you, anybody that goes into show business should have his head examined.
I would quit the whole thing for two centavos.
Oh I wish I had a nickel for every time he's offered to quit show business for two centavos.
Well, if I had any sense, I'd be in some regular business.
Any business is a pain in the neck.
Not like show business.
Not much.
How do you think I feel worrying every time a tenant is going to move out and listening to all their silly complaints? (in falsetto): "My drain is stopped up!" "I've lost my key!" "When are you going to fix my leaky faucet?!" Listen, speaking about leaky faucets, when are you gonna Uh not now.
No, not now, Lucy.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna keep my eye open for a real business and when I find it, bye-bye, show business.
Okay.
Let me know when you find something.
All right.
Come on, Ethel.
I'm hungry.
Okay, see you later.
All right, dear.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, yeah Oh, hi, Poppy.
Hi.
How are you? Hey, did you have a nice walk, old man? Yes, but he's getting tired.
Oh, what's up, baby? Hello, son, how are you? Are you still looking at those want ads? Yes, Mommy, I'm still looking at them.
We got to take our nap.
Okay, sweetheart, take your nap.
Come on, baby, darling.
(fussing) Well, we let him stay up too long.
Come on, baby, darling.
Hi, Rick.
Oh, hi, Fred.
Oh, boy, what a swell day.
How about a little game of golf? Uh, I'd love to, Fred, but I'm looking into some business opportunities here that I might go into.
Oh, you're really serious, huh? You're darn right I am.
Well, if you find something good, let me know.
Hey, were you serious this morning when you offered to go into it with me? I don't remember offering, but if you've got a good deal, sure I'm in.
Fred, don't encourage him.
I've gone through this with him a million times.
Never mind.
(chuckling) Now, here's some of the ones that look best.
Yeah.
"Delicatessen for sale, cheap.
" RICKY: You know, the one down on the corner makes a mint.
Oh, Ricky, a delicatessen.
What's wrong with a delicatessen? I can just see it: "Ricky Ricardo's Delicatessen.
Cuban-Style Blintzes.
" She's right, Rick.
It doesn't quite have the right ring.
Well, there's a lot of stuff here.
All right, let's see it.
Lucy? What? Is Fred over here? There he is, with Ricky Ricardo, the Salami King.
Huh? They're figuring out what business to go into.
Business? Yeah.
Fred Mertz, what's this about you going in business? I haven't made any deal.
I thought if we saw something good, we might go in it.
After all, we've got a few bucks put aside.
Oh, have you, Ethel? Only every dollar we ever made, that's all.
Hey, it might be fun if we were all partners.
Let me see that list, Ricky.
I'll read it to you.
Oh, the delicatessen is out, you said, so RICKY: How about a cocktail bar? No.
Now, the next one is something I've always wanted to own.
What's that? A diner.
A diner? Diner? Honey, we don't know anything about running a diner.
Fred and I do.
We worked in one once when we were stranded in Indianapolis.
Remember, Fred? LUCY: Really? Sure.
"Adam and Eve on a raft.
Wreck 'em.
" "Scrambled eggs on toast coming up.
" That's wonderful.
You know, with, with Fred and Ethel's know-how, and I got a good following down at the club, we should have a lot of customers.
Sure.
This is just perfect for the four of us.
Fred and I have the know-how and Ricky has the name, and Lucy has Uh Lucy has, uh My name is the same as his.
Ah, don't you worry, honey.
There'll be plenty for all of us to do.
Oh, sure, we couldn't do anything without you.
That's right.
I hope not.
Look at that.
Don't you think that looks good? "Enjoy security and independence by owning your own business.
Fully equipped " Well, that's it, folks.
Isn't this the sweetest little diner you ever saw? Oh, it's a darling.
Just cute as a bug.
You say this place does good business? You ought to see 'em.
Three deep at the counter all day long.
Really? Uh-huh.
We have to close once a week to let the seats cool off.
(guffawing) Well, would you, uh, pardon us? Uh may I Certainly.
Excuse us a minute, please.
Go ahead.
Yeah.
(quiet conversation) RICKY: You want to do it? Okay, okay.
(murmuring) Well, Mr.
Watson, you just sold a diner! Wonderful.
I know you won't be sorry.
Will you just sign this purchase agreement, and I'll meet you at the bank in the morning to complete the deal.
Yes, sir.
Looks all right, huh, Fred? Fine, yeah.
That's right.
Okay.
Sign it, Fred.
Yes, sir.
Here are the keys.
Oh.
Easy.
There you are! Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Well, I'll see you RICKY: at the bank.
Yes, sir.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, isn't he a nice man? He sure is.
We own a diner, we own a diner! Isn't it wonderful? Hey, we got to take this sign down.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah! Oh, we'll have to get another name.
What'll it be? Well, now, let's see, uh I got it.
I got it! Oh, you go ahead, Fred.
No, you go ahead.
Well, I was just thinking out loud, you know, but, uh, how about, uh, Ricky's place? You know, I had the same thought.
You did? With one slight change.
What's that? Fred's place.
Now, look, Fred, yesterday you said that you got the know-how and I got the name and my name ain't Fred.
Uh, look, I think people like to eat where a woman does the cooking.
I think we should use a woman's name.
What woman's name did you have in mind? Uh, it starts with an "L.
" Lucy That's right.
Oh RICKY: Now, now, look.
Now, look.
(Lucy and Ethel arguing) Now, look, there's no use arguing about this.
I tell you what we'll do.
What? Well, let's not use any of our names.
Why not? Well, my idea was to have a diner that, uh, served Cuban food.
LUCY: Yeah.
Right? All right.
So, let's use something different and catchy like, uh A Little Bit Of Cuba.
Hey, I like that.
I like that.
Huh, you like that? (all talking) A Little Bit of Cuba.
Oh.
Have a good dinner, Ralph? Oh, very fine.
Well, I'm glad you came over.
There you are.
Thank you, and come again.
Thank you for coming, boy.
Say hello to the family.
I will.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye.
(chuckling) Oh, hello, Joe! Hi, Ricky.
Hi, Joe.
Look- Joe! Lucy, howdy.
What do you think of the place, huh? It's a swell spot.
Yeah, this is terrific.
Come on, I got a ringside seat right here for you.
Oh, thanks.
Sit right down there, Joe.
There you are, Joe.
Oh, thanks, Lucy.
Nice to see you.
Fred, take good care of my friend Joe here.
Yes, indeed, I will.
Good evening, sir.
What'll you have? Let's see, uh What's this, "Little Bit of Cuba" Special? Well, sir, that's something Ricky dreamed up.
It's a hamburger patty smothered in Tabasco sauce and mashed banana between two tortillas.
I think I'll just have a hamburger.
Hamburger? Rare.
Rare.
What'll you have on it? Everything but onions.
Walk a cow past the stove and don't cry over it.
Coming up.
And coffee.
Cup of mud coming up.
Hey, Alberto! Hi, Ricky.
Look, Alberto's here.
Hi, Lucy.
How's Pura? Bien.
Oh, glad to meet you.
How do you like the place, huh? Muy bonito.
Come on, I got a nice seat right here for you, boy.
Sit down.
There you are.
There you are.
Hey, Fred, take good care of my friend Alberto here.
Oh, yes, indeed.
Good evening, sir.
What'll you have? I think I'll try hash.
Hash? There's a gambler in the house.
Hash coming up.
Gee, honey, isn't this fun? Oh, it's just great.
Just what I always wanted.
And we're making a whole bunch of money.
I know, and the best part of it it's so easy to run.
Yeah, I'm surprised.
I thought it was going to be a lot of work.
I tell you, it's a cinch.
I know.
I just love it.
MAN: Hey, how about my pancakes? How about my coffee? Coming right up.
Where are those pancakes? You didn't order any hotcakes.
I did, too.
Well, I didn't hear you.
Here are your four hot dogs, though.
I didn't order hot dogs.
Well, somebody did.
MAN: How about my pancakes? They're coming right up.
Uh, yes, sir, uh, I'll fix them right away, sir.
Well, Marco! Ricky.
Welcome to A Little Bit Of Cuba! Sit right down here, boy.
Sit right down there.
LUCY: There you are, Marco.
Nice to see you.
(Ricky chuckling) Ai-yi Things all right over here? Good, good.
Say, uh (snapping fingers) Psst! We need more butter here.
(snapping fingers) More butter here.
Who does he think he is? I'm a partner, too, you know.
How come we're back here doing all the work and they're out there having all the fun? I don't know, but it's time we made a change.
You're right.
We're gonna have a lot of good food, you know.
We're gonna have arroz con pollo, frijoles, paella, everything.
All the stuff, you know.
There you are.
(chattering) There you go.
What's that for? It's time for the swing shift.
What are you doing?! Well, we've just been thinking.
Maybe we'd better trade.
You're out here doing all the work, and we're back there having all the fun.
Fred, I don't know what to do back there.
Oh, it's very simple.
You just put the meat on the griddle, and when your face gets redder than the hamburger, it's done.
Ethel, what's the matter with you? Now, look, Ethel, you are supposed to be behind the counter.
You got the know-how.
And look, Ricky has to be here greeting guests.
He has the name.
Yeah, and I know what it is.
Now, look, for the last time, are you two going to get behind that counter or nut? For the last time, are you two gonna get behind that counter or "nut"? No! It doesn't LUCY: make any sense.
No.
Well, we can't all be out in front, so it'd better be you.
Well, all right.
That's better.
That's more better.
Come on.
Come on, dear.
Where are you going? What? Have fun.
MAN: How about my hamburger? Ethel How about my hamburger? MAN: Come on.
I got to go to work.
I can't be hanging around here.
I've got work to do.
Gee whiz (grumbling) Now, look, the next time that we get a customer in here, will you please try to get the order right? We had four customers in here today and you loused up every one of their orders.
Well, it's hard to keep track of that many orders.
What are you talking about? They were each here at different times.
Well, I'm doing my best.
You have to have experience for this kind of work and I've never done it before.
Oh, now, honey, don't cry.
You'll get the food all salty.
Besides, it's all your fault.
My fault? Yeah, yelling all those crazy things at me.
That was diner talk, like Fred did.
Yeah, well, the next time you want hamburgers without onions, ask for hamburgers without onions.
Don't stand there and yell, "Bring the bull in the ring and laugh in his face!" (crying) Good morning, Ricky.
Good morning.
Good morning, Lucy.
Hello.
Well, I see business is booming.
This is the first lull we had all morning.
Now, listen, once and for all, if we come back, are you going to take turns doing the dirty work? Now, look, Fred, you got the know-how and I got the name.
I told you, Ethel.
This guy knows two songs: "Babalu" and "You Got The Know-How, I Got The Name Blues.
" That's what we agreed on.
LUCY: Certainly.
Now get this straight.
Ethel and I are not going to stay back there working our heads off while you two are leading a gay social whirl out front.
Well, this is a fine mess.
What are we going to do about it? Well, we thought if you wanted to buy us out, we Buy you out?! I wouldn't put another cent in this joint.
Well, we haven't got enough money to buy you out.
Well Well, what are we gonna do? Half of it is yours, and half of it is ours.
Let's split it.
Split it? Sure.
That would solve everything.
Yours is the half behind the counter and ours is the half in front.
Oh, no, you don't.
What do you want to do, split it down the middle? Hey, that might be a good idea.
It'd teach you a lesson.
You'd go broke in ten minutes without us showing you what to do.
We'd go broke?! Oh, come now Ha! There wouldn't be a customer in this joint if it wasn't for Ricky's name on the front door.
Well, isn't that funny? RICKY: What are you talking about? LUCY: I mean that.
I know you don't All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, we'll split it right down the middle and we'll see who does the best.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay! Okay! Okay.
All right.
This is our half.
That is your half.
Okay.
Right.
All right.
Either buy something or get off our stool.
What time is it? What's the matter, have people stopped eating or something? We could have hung out a sign that said "measles" and done better business.
Don't make jokes.
That's a joke? Look, it's nothing to kid about, you know.
We're just about to lose 2,000 hard-earned bucks.
I don't know how I ever got mixed up into this.
Why did I let Fred talk me into this? Me?! You're the one that wanted to quit show business.
Don't blame it onto me.
You had the name.
Yeah, and you had the know-how.
Where's your know-how now? We got no customers no-how.
Oh, what's the difference who has the know-how who has the name? Who has the customers? Yeah.
Where are the customers? MAN: Where do you want these? Oh, right here.
Right here, please.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Would you put them in the middle, please? We have to divide them.
Thank you very much.
I'd like to report a missing rail.
This isn't a bar, it's a diner.
We serve food here.
Food?! FRED: Yeah.
How about something to eat? RICKY: Yeah, right over here, sir.
(lisping) I'll drink to that.
RICKY: Right here.
Right here.
Oh, right over here, sir.
Here you are, sir.
Right here.
Right here.
Mister, mister mister.
Mister, mister Ethel, we're trying to get him over here, not drive him away.
Mister, b-best hamburgers in town, 15 cents.
Well, that sounds pretty good.
Uh look, mister.
Well, I like to save a penny when I can.
That's right, sir.
Sit right down.
We'll get it for you right away.
Mister, 13 cents.
Look, mister, ten cents.
Ten cents.
Five cents.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
One-cent hamburgers.
Ethel, are you losing your mind? ETHEL: Well, I don't want them to get him.
FRED: One-cent hamburgers.
(cash register bell ringing) Here you go.
I'd like a hundred hamburgers.
(Ricky and Lucy laughing) I'm sorry, we're all out of hamburgers.
Yeah.
(laughing) They're all out of hamburgers.
Well, it's just as well, sir.
You wouldn't have liked them anyway.
Yeah, even at a cent apiece, they're overcharging you.
LUCY: Yeah.
At least we put meat in ours.
Yeah.
And just what are you insinuating we put in ours? I'm not saying, but you can bet on it in the afternoon and eat it at night.
So help me, I'm gonna Go ahead.
Throw it.
Oh, wouldn't I love to.
You wouldn't dare! Oh, wouldn't I?! Lucy! Ethel! Come on, and I'd like to see a good pie fight! Ethel, those pies cost money, you know.
Girls! Go back to work! Back to work, everybody.
Come on, now.
Stop fooling around.
Let's go back to work.
Come on.
Okay, Lucy you asked for it.
Girls, what are you doing?! RICKY: Girls! What are you doing?! Look at (laughing): Oh, no! (laughing uncontrollably) (Ricky continues laughing) Oh, you silly people.
(laughing) Oh, Mr.
Watson! LUCY AND ETHEL: Oh, hello, Mr.
Watson.
Hi, Mr.
Watson.
RICKY: Hello, Mr.
Watson.
(Ricky and Lucy laughing) What can we do for you, Mr.
Watson? Well, I come down to see what I could do for you, but you seem to be having lots of fun.
Just a little recreation.
We're entertaining our customers.
Oh.
Well, to tell the truth, I got lonesome for the old place, and I just dropped down to look around.
WATSON: I sure miss it.
Oh? ETHEL: Really? Oh, yeah.
Uh well, Mr.
Watson, I don't blame you for missing the place because, you know, it's, it's really a gold mine.
Oh, yeah, it's better than we ever thought it was gonna be.
Crowded all the time.
Yes, sir.
You really miss it, eh? LUCY: You miss it, huh, Mr.
Watson? I sure do.
Matter of fact, I'm sorry I sold it.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, well, we sure don't want you to be unhappy, Mr.
Watson.
Maybe I can talk Ricky and Fred into giving it up.
Oh, well, I don't know about that.
I'd certainly like to have it back.
Yeah, he'd like to have it back, dear.
Well, I mean, if you really feel that way, we'll see what we can do about it.
Yeah.
I mean, we we paid $2,000 for the place.
Yeah.
$2000, that's right.
And we put a lot of work in this place.
We've done a lot of things, Mr.
Watson.
And we've developed quite a clientele, you know.
Everybody from the club comes down here, you know.
But, uh, we, we don't want you to be sad about it and we like you.
You're a real nice man.
So I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll let it go for $3,000.
I can only give you 1,200.
ALL: We'll take it.
Good.
You just bought yourself back a diner.
Yes, sir, you bought yourself a diner.
We'll be the first ones to eat with you.
Yeah, we'll come in and have a piece of pie.
(all laughing and talking at once) Yeah.
Let's go.
Careful now.
Careful, fellas.
Listen, my good man.
You have been so nice.
I want you to have this and take it home to your family.
For me? Yes, sir.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
It's a shame.
They're such nice people.
Nobody makes any money these days.
I do.
I make a fortune.
How? Selling this place and buying it back from people who want to go into business for themselves.
Why, you ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
(whispering): Good morning, Lucy.
Can I borrow some cream? What's the matter? Someone who shall be nameless is in a Cuban snit this morning.
Oh.
What did you do? Nothing! Everything went wrong down at the club last night.
The cleaner forgot to bring his tuxedo.
One act didn't show up.
Right in the middle of his big number, the lights went out all over the whole neighborhood.
Oh.
How long did that last? For hours.
Everybody got up and, and left and went into the nightclub across the street.
How'd they manage without electricity? Liberace was playing there.
Huh? He does his show by candlelight.
Oh.
(laughing) Sure.
(laughing) Oh, well, I don't blame Ricky for being sore.
Well, neither do I, but things aren't going to be very pleasant around here today.
He's as grumpy as a kangaroo with a porcupine in his pouch.
You want some coffee? No, thanks.
Fred's waiting for his breakfast.
I'll just get my cream.
Oh, gee, I envy you, Ethel.
Why? Because Fred is so predictable.
You never have to worry about what kind of a mood he's going to be in.
Yeah, he's always got a porcupine in his pouch.
(laughing) Hi, honey.
Hi, Ricky.
That orange juice is sour.
Well, that's not the only thing that's sour around here.
What do you mean? You might at least say good morning to Ethel.
Hi.
Oh, I liked it better when he ignored me.
Well, don't worry, Ethel.
He'll get over it.
Oh, sure.
He'll soon be his usual old charming, smiling self, won't you, Ricky? (guffawing) No, Ethel Aw, I can make Ricky smile.
Come on now, Ricky, smile for me.
I can make you smile.
(laughing) Aw, now, Ricky, how would it be if your face froze like that? How would it be if you minded your own business? Well! Doesn't your little playmate ever go home? Hi, honey bunch.
Oh, shut up.
Now, what did I do? You're just as grumpy as he is.
Well, what did I do? Nothing, Fred.
Ethel's upset at Ricky.
Now, Ricky, you tell Ethel you're sorry for what you said.
I'm sorry, Ethel.
Yeah.
I mean it.
I'm, I'm sorry.
I'm just so upset, I don't know what I'm doing.
Now, what's Lucy done? Nothing! Why is it always my fault? Hmm.
Oh, really, Fred, Lucy had nothing to do this time.
I apologize.
Well, all right.
It's just that everything went wrong at the club last night.
The guy didn't bring my tuxedo Now, honey, honey, honey The guy went out Listen, honey, honey, in the middle don't talk about it anymore.
You're just going to get yourself all upset again.
Okay.
I'm telling you, anybody that goes into show business should have his head examined.
I would quit the whole thing for two centavos.
Oh I wish I had a nickel for every time he's offered to quit show business for two centavos.
Well, if I had any sense, I'd be in some regular business.
Any business is a pain in the neck.
Not like show business.
Not much.
How do you think I feel worrying every time a tenant is going to move out and listening to all their silly complaints? (in falsetto): "My drain is stopped up!" "I've lost my key!" "When are you going to fix my leaky faucet?!" Listen, speaking about leaky faucets, when are you gonna Uh not now.
No, not now, Lucy.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna keep my eye open for a real business and when I find it, bye-bye, show business.
Okay.
Let me know when you find something.
All right.
Come on, Ethel.
I'm hungry.
Okay, see you later.
All right, dear.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, yeah Oh, hi, Poppy.
Hi.
How are you? Hey, did you have a nice walk, old man? Yes, but he's getting tired.
Oh, what's up, baby? Hello, son, how are you? Are you still looking at those want ads? Yes, Mommy, I'm still looking at them.
We got to take our nap.
Okay, sweetheart, take your nap.
Come on, baby, darling.
(fussing) Well, we let him stay up too long.
Come on, baby, darling.
Hi, Rick.
Oh, hi, Fred.
Oh, boy, what a swell day.
How about a little game of golf? Uh, I'd love to, Fred, but I'm looking into some business opportunities here that I might go into.
Oh, you're really serious, huh? You're darn right I am.
Well, if you find something good, let me know.
Hey, were you serious this morning when you offered to go into it with me? I don't remember offering, but if you've got a good deal, sure I'm in.
Fred, don't encourage him.
I've gone through this with him a million times.
Never mind.
(chuckling) Now, here's some of the ones that look best.
Yeah.
"Delicatessen for sale, cheap.
" RICKY: You know, the one down on the corner makes a mint.
Oh, Ricky, a delicatessen.
What's wrong with a delicatessen? I can just see it: "Ricky Ricardo's Delicatessen.
Cuban-Style Blintzes.
" She's right, Rick.
It doesn't quite have the right ring.
Well, there's a lot of stuff here.
All right, let's see it.
Lucy? What? Is Fred over here? There he is, with Ricky Ricardo, the Salami King.
Huh? They're figuring out what business to go into.
Business? Yeah.
Fred Mertz, what's this about you going in business? I haven't made any deal.
I thought if we saw something good, we might go in it.
After all, we've got a few bucks put aside.
Oh, have you, Ethel? Only every dollar we ever made, that's all.
Hey, it might be fun if we were all partners.
Let me see that list, Ricky.
I'll read it to you.
Oh, the delicatessen is out, you said, so RICKY: How about a cocktail bar? No.
Now, the next one is something I've always wanted to own.
What's that? A diner.
A diner? Diner? Honey, we don't know anything about running a diner.
Fred and I do.
We worked in one once when we were stranded in Indianapolis.
Remember, Fred? LUCY: Really? Sure.
"Adam and Eve on a raft.
Wreck 'em.
" "Scrambled eggs on toast coming up.
" That's wonderful.
You know, with, with Fred and Ethel's know-how, and I got a good following down at the club, we should have a lot of customers.
Sure.
This is just perfect for the four of us.
Fred and I have the know-how and Ricky has the name, and Lucy has Uh Lucy has, uh My name is the same as his.
Ah, don't you worry, honey.
There'll be plenty for all of us to do.
Oh, sure, we couldn't do anything without you.
That's right.
I hope not.
Look at that.
Don't you think that looks good? "Enjoy security and independence by owning your own business.
Fully equipped " Well, that's it, folks.
Isn't this the sweetest little diner you ever saw? Oh, it's a darling.
Just cute as a bug.
You say this place does good business? You ought to see 'em.
Three deep at the counter all day long.
Really? Uh-huh.
We have to close once a week to let the seats cool off.
(guffawing) Well, would you, uh, pardon us? Uh may I Certainly.
Excuse us a minute, please.
Go ahead.
Yeah.
(quiet conversation) RICKY: You want to do it? Okay, okay.
(murmuring) Well, Mr.
Watson, you just sold a diner! Wonderful.
I know you won't be sorry.
Will you just sign this purchase agreement, and I'll meet you at the bank in the morning to complete the deal.
Yes, sir.
Looks all right, huh, Fred? Fine, yeah.
That's right.
Okay.
Sign it, Fred.
Yes, sir.
Here are the keys.
Oh.
Easy.
There you are! Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Well, I'll see you RICKY: at the bank.
Yes, sir.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, isn't he a nice man? He sure is.
We own a diner, we own a diner! Isn't it wonderful? Hey, we got to take this sign down.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah! Oh, we'll have to get another name.
What'll it be? Well, now, let's see, uh I got it.
I got it! Oh, you go ahead, Fred.
No, you go ahead.
Well, I was just thinking out loud, you know, but, uh, how about, uh, Ricky's place? You know, I had the same thought.
You did? With one slight change.
What's that? Fred's place.
Now, look, Fred, yesterday you said that you got the know-how and I got the name and my name ain't Fred.
Uh, look, I think people like to eat where a woman does the cooking.
I think we should use a woman's name.
What woman's name did you have in mind? Uh, it starts with an "L.
" Lucy That's right.
Oh RICKY: Now, now, look.
Now, look.
(Lucy and Ethel arguing) Now, look, there's no use arguing about this.
I tell you what we'll do.
What? Well, let's not use any of our names.
Why not? Well, my idea was to have a diner that, uh, served Cuban food.
LUCY: Yeah.
Right? All right.
So, let's use something different and catchy like, uh A Little Bit Of Cuba.
Hey, I like that.
I like that.
Huh, you like that? (all talking) A Little Bit of Cuba.
Oh.
Have a good dinner, Ralph? Oh, very fine.
Well, I'm glad you came over.
There you are.
Thank you, and come again.
Thank you for coming, boy.
Say hello to the family.
I will.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye.
(chuckling) Oh, hello, Joe! Hi, Ricky.
Hi, Joe.
Look- Joe! Lucy, howdy.
What do you think of the place, huh? It's a swell spot.
Yeah, this is terrific.
Come on, I got a ringside seat right here for you.
Oh, thanks.
Sit right down there, Joe.
There you are, Joe.
Oh, thanks, Lucy.
Nice to see you.
Fred, take good care of my friend Joe here.
Yes, indeed, I will.
Good evening, sir.
What'll you have? Let's see, uh What's this, "Little Bit of Cuba" Special? Well, sir, that's something Ricky dreamed up.
It's a hamburger patty smothered in Tabasco sauce and mashed banana between two tortillas.
I think I'll just have a hamburger.
Hamburger? Rare.
Rare.
What'll you have on it? Everything but onions.
Walk a cow past the stove and don't cry over it.
Coming up.
And coffee.
Cup of mud coming up.
Hey, Alberto! Hi, Ricky.
Look, Alberto's here.
Hi, Lucy.
How's Pura? Bien.
Oh, glad to meet you.
How do you like the place, huh? Muy bonito.
Come on, I got a nice seat right here for you, boy.
Sit down.
There you are.
There you are.
Hey, Fred, take good care of my friend Alberto here.
Oh, yes, indeed.
Good evening, sir.
What'll you have? I think I'll try hash.
Hash? There's a gambler in the house.
Hash coming up.
Gee, honey, isn't this fun? Oh, it's just great.
Just what I always wanted.
And we're making a whole bunch of money.
I know, and the best part of it it's so easy to run.
Yeah, I'm surprised.
I thought it was going to be a lot of work.
I tell you, it's a cinch.
I know.
I just love it.
MAN: Hey, how about my pancakes? How about my coffee? Coming right up.
Where are those pancakes? You didn't order any hotcakes.
I did, too.
Well, I didn't hear you.
Here are your four hot dogs, though.
I didn't order hot dogs.
Well, somebody did.
MAN: How about my pancakes? They're coming right up.
Uh, yes, sir, uh, I'll fix them right away, sir.
Well, Marco! Ricky.
Welcome to A Little Bit Of Cuba! Sit right down here, boy.
Sit right down there.
LUCY: There you are, Marco.
Nice to see you.
(Ricky chuckling) Ai-yi Things all right over here? Good, good.
Say, uh (snapping fingers) Psst! We need more butter here.
(snapping fingers) More butter here.
Who does he think he is? I'm a partner, too, you know.
How come we're back here doing all the work and they're out there having all the fun? I don't know, but it's time we made a change.
You're right.
We're gonna have a lot of good food, you know.
We're gonna have arroz con pollo, frijoles, paella, everything.
All the stuff, you know.
There you are.
(chattering) There you go.
What's that for? It's time for the swing shift.
What are you doing?! Well, we've just been thinking.
Maybe we'd better trade.
You're out here doing all the work, and we're back there having all the fun.
Fred, I don't know what to do back there.
Oh, it's very simple.
You just put the meat on the griddle, and when your face gets redder than the hamburger, it's done.
Ethel, what's the matter with you? Now, look, Ethel, you are supposed to be behind the counter.
You got the know-how.
And look, Ricky has to be here greeting guests.
He has the name.
Yeah, and I know what it is.
Now, look, for the last time, are you two going to get behind that counter or nut? For the last time, are you two gonna get behind that counter or "nut"? No! It doesn't LUCY: make any sense.
No.
Well, we can't all be out in front, so it'd better be you.
Well, all right.
That's better.
That's more better.
Come on.
Come on, dear.
Where are you going? What? Have fun.
MAN: How about my hamburger? Ethel How about my hamburger? MAN: Come on.
I got to go to work.
I can't be hanging around here.
I've got work to do.
Gee whiz (grumbling) Now, look, the next time that we get a customer in here, will you please try to get the order right? We had four customers in here today and you loused up every one of their orders.
Well, it's hard to keep track of that many orders.
What are you talking about? They were each here at different times.
Well, I'm doing my best.
You have to have experience for this kind of work and I've never done it before.
Oh, now, honey, don't cry.
You'll get the food all salty.
Besides, it's all your fault.
My fault? Yeah, yelling all those crazy things at me.
That was diner talk, like Fred did.
Yeah, well, the next time you want hamburgers without onions, ask for hamburgers without onions.
Don't stand there and yell, "Bring the bull in the ring and laugh in his face!" (crying) Good morning, Ricky.
Good morning.
Good morning, Lucy.
Hello.
Well, I see business is booming.
This is the first lull we had all morning.
Now, listen, once and for all, if we come back, are you going to take turns doing the dirty work? Now, look, Fred, you got the know-how and I got the name.
I told you, Ethel.
This guy knows two songs: "Babalu" and "You Got The Know-How, I Got The Name Blues.
" That's what we agreed on.
LUCY: Certainly.
Now get this straight.
Ethel and I are not going to stay back there working our heads off while you two are leading a gay social whirl out front.
Well, this is a fine mess.
What are we going to do about it? Well, we thought if you wanted to buy us out, we Buy you out?! I wouldn't put another cent in this joint.
Well, we haven't got enough money to buy you out.
Well Well, what are we gonna do? Half of it is yours, and half of it is ours.
Let's split it.
Split it? Sure.
That would solve everything.
Yours is the half behind the counter and ours is the half in front.
Oh, no, you don't.
What do you want to do, split it down the middle? Hey, that might be a good idea.
It'd teach you a lesson.
You'd go broke in ten minutes without us showing you what to do.
We'd go broke?! Oh, come now Ha! There wouldn't be a customer in this joint if it wasn't for Ricky's name on the front door.
Well, isn't that funny? RICKY: What are you talking about? LUCY: I mean that.
I know you don't All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, we'll split it right down the middle and we'll see who does the best.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay! Okay! Okay.
All right.
This is our half.
That is your half.
Okay.
Right.
All right.
Either buy something or get off our stool.
What time is it? What's the matter, have people stopped eating or something? We could have hung out a sign that said "measles" and done better business.
Don't make jokes.
That's a joke? Look, it's nothing to kid about, you know.
We're just about to lose 2,000 hard-earned bucks.
I don't know how I ever got mixed up into this.
Why did I let Fred talk me into this? Me?! You're the one that wanted to quit show business.
Don't blame it onto me.
You had the name.
Yeah, and you had the know-how.
Where's your know-how now? We got no customers no-how.
Oh, what's the difference who has the know-how who has the name? Who has the customers? Yeah.
Where are the customers? MAN: Where do you want these? Oh, right here.
Right here, please.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Would you put them in the middle, please? We have to divide them.
Thank you very much.
I'd like to report a missing rail.
This isn't a bar, it's a diner.
We serve food here.
Food?! FRED: Yeah.
How about something to eat? RICKY: Yeah, right over here, sir.
(lisping) I'll drink to that.
RICKY: Right here.
Right here.
Oh, right over here, sir.
Here you are, sir.
Right here.
Right here.
Mister, mister mister.
Mister, mister Ethel, we're trying to get him over here, not drive him away.
Mister, b-best hamburgers in town, 15 cents.
Well, that sounds pretty good.
Uh look, mister.
Well, I like to save a penny when I can.
That's right, sir.
Sit right down.
We'll get it for you right away.
Mister, 13 cents.
Look, mister, ten cents.
Ten cents.
Five cents.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
One-cent hamburgers.
Ethel, are you losing your mind? ETHEL: Well, I don't want them to get him.
FRED: One-cent hamburgers.
(cash register bell ringing) Here you go.
I'd like a hundred hamburgers.
(Ricky and Lucy laughing) I'm sorry, we're all out of hamburgers.
Yeah.
(laughing) They're all out of hamburgers.
Well, it's just as well, sir.
You wouldn't have liked them anyway.
Yeah, even at a cent apiece, they're overcharging you.
LUCY: Yeah.
At least we put meat in ours.
Yeah.
And just what are you insinuating we put in ours? I'm not saying, but you can bet on it in the afternoon and eat it at night.
So help me, I'm gonna Go ahead.
Throw it.
Oh, wouldn't I love to.
You wouldn't dare! Oh, wouldn't I?! Lucy! Ethel! Come on, and I'd like to see a good pie fight! Ethel, those pies cost money, you know.
Girls! Go back to work! Back to work, everybody.
Come on, now.
Stop fooling around.
Let's go back to work.
Come on.
Okay, Lucy you asked for it.
Girls, what are you doing?! RICKY: Girls! What are you doing?! Look at (laughing): Oh, no! (laughing uncontrollably) (Ricky continues laughing) Oh, you silly people.
(laughing) Oh, Mr.
Watson! LUCY AND ETHEL: Oh, hello, Mr.
Watson.
Hi, Mr.
Watson.
RICKY: Hello, Mr.
Watson.
(Ricky and Lucy laughing) What can we do for you, Mr.
Watson? Well, I come down to see what I could do for you, but you seem to be having lots of fun.
Just a little recreation.
We're entertaining our customers.
Oh.
Well, to tell the truth, I got lonesome for the old place, and I just dropped down to look around.
WATSON: I sure miss it.
Oh? ETHEL: Really? Oh, yeah.
Uh well, Mr.
Watson, I don't blame you for missing the place because, you know, it's, it's really a gold mine.
Oh, yeah, it's better than we ever thought it was gonna be.
Crowded all the time.
Yes, sir.
You really miss it, eh? LUCY: You miss it, huh, Mr.
Watson? I sure do.
Matter of fact, I'm sorry I sold it.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, well, we sure don't want you to be unhappy, Mr.
Watson.
Maybe I can talk Ricky and Fred into giving it up.
Oh, well, I don't know about that.
I'd certainly like to have it back.
Yeah, he'd like to have it back, dear.
Well, I mean, if you really feel that way, we'll see what we can do about it.
Yeah.
I mean, we we paid $2,000 for the place.
Yeah.
$2000, that's right.
And we put a lot of work in this place.
We've done a lot of things, Mr.
Watson.
And we've developed quite a clientele, you know.
Everybody from the club comes down here, you know.
But, uh, we, we don't want you to be sad about it and we like you.
You're a real nice man.
So I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll let it go for $3,000.
I can only give you 1,200.
ALL: We'll take it.
Good.
You just bought yourself back a diner.
Yes, sir, you bought yourself a diner.
We'll be the first ones to eat with you.
Yeah, we'll come in and have a piece of pie.
(all laughing and talking at once) Yeah.
Let's go.
Careful now.
Careful, fellas.
Listen, my good man.
You have been so nice.
I want you to have this and take it home to your family.
For me? Yes, sir.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
It's a shame.
They're such nice people.
Nobody makes any money these days.
I do.
I make a fortune.
How? Selling this place and buying it back from people who want to go into business for themselves.
Why, you ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.