In Living Color (1990) s03e25 Episode Script

[Man.]
Five, four, three, two.
Oh, yes, the pancreatic philosophy of your book.
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has "syphilized" the shaft.
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and opened my "mucule" membranes.
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you understand.
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to a world.
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you dig.
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a world, girl.
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[Laughing.]
Of nocturnal.
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On a lockup.
[Laughing.]
No, Kelly.
- [Man.]
Okay, one more.
- Use the chair! So, what you're saying then is.
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.
[Man Over Speaker.]
Kelly, once again.
- What the hell did I do? - Oh, Kelly, I was laughing.
You look so funny! Well, its not going to be very funny.
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if I have to jump on this.
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.
[Bleeps.]
bed again! [Laughing.]
I'm sorry.
This is gonna be on TV's Practical Jokes.
I tried out eight times.
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.
then Miss Benita decided she better go on and better herself.
So while these heifers were out there making babies and selling pumpkin seeds.
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Miss Benita was in the boiler's room.
I was whipping me up some pig feet and some corn bread, selling that.
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and trying to come up with a funny line to make this audience laugh.
[Man.]
Fasten your seat belts.
The bad boys of comedy are about to show you.
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the funniest outtakesand "bleepers"you've ever seen.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go Good evening, everybody.
Welcome to our first ever.
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bloopers show here, In Living Color.
- A lot of times.
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.
Ah.
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.
- [Laughing.]
- Go on.
- Just keep going.
See, this is what it's all about.
This is to let you know.
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that we do make mistakes, and we have a lot of faux pas.
- Is that the right word? - Say the "F" word.
You wanna say it! Faux pas.
I said it.
We're going to give you a little taste.
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of what goes on behind the scenes.
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stuff you never get to see.
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all of our bloopers and blunders.
Our first category we're gonna go to is giggles.
It gets really late around here sometimes, people lose their concentration.
- Mm-hmm.
- Once you get bit with the giggle bug, you can't stop.
- [Kelly.]
You gotta giggle.
- And the crew loves it! - Yeah, the crew really loves it.
- They get to stay up real late! Jim is our king of giggles.
He's the guy that gets everybody going around here.
Take a look.
You'll see for yourself.
It's allJim's fault.
Is it.
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hot enough? [Chuckles.]
Hot and creamy.
Just the way I like it.
Can I.
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have just one more cup? - [Man.]
Jimmy, let's go.
- That's hilarious.
Oh.
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.
[Bleeps.]
I'm sorry.
This will be great.
This one.
Is it, uh, hot enough for you? Hot and creamy.
Just the way I like it.
The attachés will be handing out printed copies.
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of all the information we didn't give you.
There will be another "priefing" tomorrow.
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and we will be prepared not to answer any more questions.
Pizza! The attachés will be handing out printed copies of all the information we didn't give you.
And there will be another briefing tomorrow, which, uh.
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we will be able to, uh.
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[Moans.]
[Man, Indistinct.]
Do it.
Do it.
Quick! Quick! Quick! I am not going to tell, your feet smell.
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if you ask me again, you can go to hell.
That's an or.
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[Laughing.]
[Man.]
That's it, Jimmy.
That's it, man.
What we're about to see now is a clip from "Detective Head.
" And what's really funny about this, is there is an actual human person.
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inside of this tuxedo body.
We all know he's stuck in there probably sweating and suffocating.
And because of that, it becomes the funniest thing ever to us.
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that this guy's inside here being tortured.
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and we can't stop laughing.
Check it out.
This is Head's new robotic body.
[Chuckles.]
- Inside is a man who's had to suffer.
- [Woman.]
Guys, we gotta stop.
You know what it is.
It's every time he gets over to Richard.
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we know he's in there sweating.
It's that! It's.
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- There's just a lot of complex things going on.
- He's inside Head's body.
You just picture this little guy inside, sweating.
It's just.
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This is the torture sketch.
Damon's in here, he's in there.
[Keenen's Voice.]
You ever see an actor get spit on and wonder.
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"Oh, God.
How does hestand there and take it?" Well, it ain't easy.
[Man Over Speaker.]
Keenen, just give me that first line, too.
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before he spits at you,to make sure I have that in the clear.
"A t last we meetface-to-face.
" - Oh, not with all this in his mouth, Paul.
- He ain't gonna spit until later.
I know, but it's going to be real spit.
- Come on, K-man.
- [Man.]
Five, four, three.
- Don't.
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.
Don't spit on me.
- [Man.]
False start.
- Here we go.
- Wait, swallow, get some fresh stuff.
- [Paul.]
Go ahead.
Swallow it.
- Come on.
My arms are fallin' off.
Now, say that you will be my bride.
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and together we will rule the Erudites! [Keenen.]
Now here's a sketchwe're doing about sensitive men.
And Jim decides to go off-scriptand share his true feelings with Tommy.
I mean, I don't feel attractive anymore.
That's how I feel.
I think you're very attractive, man.
And your butt.
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it's nice, man.
And you know, man, your skin is so smooth.
I'd like to lick.
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[Bleeps.]
right now.
Got to find Harriet.
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[Coughs.]
Harriet Tubman.
- Yes, sir.
- Look like Cicely Tyson.
I thought you said Jane Pittman looked like her.
Looks like all of them.
All right.
L-Let's start again.
All right, people, you've had your fun.
It's time to go back to the Sunny Side Hills Retirement Community.
Your families have been very worried about you.
Well, we're not going, mister.
Pardon me, miss.
We're not going until we get our trip to bountiful.
Mister? Perhaps you didn't get ahold of these, buddy.
Hi, I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
We poke a lot of fun at a lot of things on In Living.
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[Laughs.]
[Kim.]
Oh, that's whatmakes it derisive.
Hi, I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
We poke fun.
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a lot.
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[Bleeps.]
damn! [Bleeps.]
[Damon.]
We're supposed to have fun,all the time.
The show's brother poked fun.
Shh, shh.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Hi, I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
We poke fun at a lot of things on In Living Color.
But we know in the real world, there's nothing funny about ignorance.
That's why we're asking you to join us.
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.
All right.
Enough of the fun, children.
It's time for a reading lesson.
- Okay! - Okay! - We'll start with the letter "A.
" - [Cheering.]
[Boy.]
Hey, Homey, that's the "D.
" That's right! S.
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.
[Bleeps.]
[Keenen's Voice.]
What can I say?Damon loves to keep the censors on their toes.
Let's just keep going.
We can't get away with that? [Keenen's Voice.]
It's always funto watch Damon and Jim together.
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because they're constantlytrying to out-gross each other.
Watch what Damon doeswith this picklejuice.
- And when he died? - All he left was this.
- That's disgusting.
- Actually, it's not.
It's pretty sanitary.
Hey.
!Oh, don't.
! That's pretty good.
[Keenen's Voice.]
Now it's Jim's turn.
Keep your eye on the pickle.
You mind if I eat this? Go ahead.
I think everybody would love that.
Let me get a bite of that.
Well, I'm not going to eat it now.
Mmm.
Anyway, thanks a lot, man.
I really.
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Are you all right? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
Oh.
- It's all right.
- You okay, man? - I think.
I don't know what that was.
A performer's worst nightmare sometime.
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is either a special effect or having to deal with a prop.
A lot of times, those things don't work, and you're stuck looking like an idiot.
What are you trying to say, man? Jim knows a lot about that too.
Check it out.
You think you're Tom Cruise from Days of Thunder.
You jump right in.
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turn on the ignition, put your pedal to the metal.
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and hold on, Barbie! [Keenen's Voice.]
Now, this wallis supposed to break away.
Now here, the wall did break away,and so did everything else.
[Laughs.]
What are you talking about? Sorry, man.
[Man.]
Three, two, one.
Action.
! Barkeep, I'll have the usual.
[Groans.]
I got it.
All right? Oh, my, is that a gun in your pocket or are you Pee-wee Herman? [Man.]
No, no.
!How frightening.
! Oh, how terrifying.
! - [Man #2.]
Okay, Vicki.
Let's reset it.
- Oh, my God.
! W.
C.
Fields said children and animals are the worst to work with.
He was right.
Here's a scene from, um.
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What was it? - Lassie '90? - Yeah.
Jim, Kelly and a pit bull.
[Straining.]
Okay, Lassie, this time I want you to get.
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a variable-speed mechanic bath.
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[Keenen's Voice.]
Now that's a vicious pit bull.
Lassie was supposed tobring the dummy over toJim.
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but I guess she decidedto keep it for herself.
Good girl, Lassie.
[Breathing Heavily.]
A lot of times, me being the, um, executive producer around here.
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- I get.
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get a little bored, - [Coughs.]
Cast starts to tick me off a little bit, and I have my own little paybacks.
One of the most annoying cast members around here is, uh, David Allen Grier.
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and, uh,my payback to David was.
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He was really enthusiastic about doing a sketch once.
- [Kelly.]
Broadway - And when he told it to me, I knew it was going to die.
I knew it was going to bomb.
But.
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I decided to let David go out and do this.
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and in the middle of it.
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[Laughs.]
We let a few birdswalk across the stage.
- Here's David Allen Grier doing his tribute to Broadway.
- To Broadway.
Thanks, brother.
Broadway Broadway Broadway-ay-ay-ay Oops, look out for that taxicab Ow, I just got stabbed on Broadway On Broadway On Broad.
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Chickee! Chickee! Ch-Chickee.
On Broadway Well, one cast member here in particular.
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for some reason, always winds up being the, uh, victim of abuse.
And, Mom, you know who that is.
"Baby, why they always got to beat on you? I don't never see 'em put his little brother out there like that.
" Just coincidence, that's all.
Yeah, 18 times in a row.
Coincidence? Well, here's a sample from a couple of homeys, Damon and Tommy.
But, Homey, well, what's dignity? Here, let me show you.
[No Audible Dialogue.]
- See how you feel right now? - Yeah.
Well, dignity is the opposite of that.
Now once upon a time, two lonely hearts came together.
- [Girl.]
Woo, woo.
! - Just like this.
[Children.]
Ooh.
! Then love poured all out from their hearts.
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- nice and thick like.
- Oh.
! Until.
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[Laughs.]
Homey realized.
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Until Homey realized that it was just a trick.
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to whiten him up, like so.
And it made his heart beat over and over and over again.
- The end.
- Homey, Homey, Homey.
I don't get it.
What's the moral to the story? - [Girl.]
Yeah.
! - Well, the moral of that story is.
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don't sit by and be nobody's jackass.
So what is our little lesson.
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[Laughs.]
[Keenen's Voice.]
Uh-oh.
Damon's laughing.
That means we're going to haveto do this all over again.
Watch Tommy.
Hey, Paul.
Paul, if you say.
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[Bleeps.]
damn it.
If you say.
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Paul.
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Tommy's trying to say [Bleeps.]
damn it.
Paul, man.
- What? - Do I have to do it over again? Just a.
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[Bleeps.]
I'm not the only one who, uh, likes to pull a prank or two.
A lot of times, the cast like to surprise each other.
One example was, uh, "Ugly Girl.
" Jamie, tell 'em what you did.
Yeah, we were doing the second take of"Ugly Girl," and Tommy was backstage.
He was like, "Yo, man, all right.
"When you grab my underwear, just pull on them just a little bit, you know.
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just to make them think you're going to pull my underwear down.
" But somewhere during the sketch.
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I just guess it got a little bit out of hand, so.
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- Oh! - Oh! - Oh, this is definitely heaven.
- Oh! - This is definitely heaven.
- Then just call me the messiah.
- Let me turn around and see my angel.
- No, no, no.
Hold on.
Hold on just a minute.
You got me so excited.
Just hold on.
You'll see your angel as soon as you get to heaven.
Mm, mm, mm, mmm.
Well, look here, girl.
I'll tell you what.
How 'bout I call you tonight? - Okay, then.
- 'Cause I know a nice place where we can get dinner.
- All right.
- And wine.
Uh-huh! And the whole nine.
Aaah! What's wrong? - Jamie, stop it, man.
- What's wrong with you? See, you just got to relax.
Relax yourself.
Relax yourself.
And see, after you done said all that, now I think I'm ready to go.
I think I'm ready to go too, girl.
Let me see my angel.
Flip on over.
Come on.
Get some of this.
Come on.
Aaah! What's wrong with you? Come on.
[No Audible Dialogue.]
Don't even think about it.
- I thought you said you looked like Marilyn Monroe! - I do look like Marilyn Monroe.
You look like Marilyn the ho! Why you tripping? All right, thanks for watching.
All right, thanks for watching.
We hope you enjoyed laughing with us laugh at ourself.
We'll see you next week right here.
Peace.
[Man Over P.
A.
.]
We know you're in there.
Come out with your hands up.
They found me! They must have been following you.
They knew I'd make contact with you sooner or later.
- You gotta get outta here, Wes! - What the.
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[Bleeps.]
are you doin'? There's nothing on the screen.
Well, Jim, their radar ray has jammed our frequency.
I think Spock has been hit by a Laughing Noid.
You know, we don't have too many carnivals here in the projects.
'Cause when we.
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if we have to get them metal detectors.
And we got to start from the beginning because Miss Benita done messed up the joke.
Um, all right.
Here's 20, 28, 40.
Okay, we can do the best we can do.
He'll be a lot shorter, and a little faster.
I mean.
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Don't try to lie, all right? It's all here in black and white.
I see, Johnnie.
War really has changed you.
And not for the better.
You're battier than a belfry full of bats on a buttered roll.
Thanks for coming.
See us next week here! Hi, Grandma!