Batman (1966) s03e26 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
A tranquil day in Gotham City.
And what could be more soothing than a couple of hours in Minerva's Mineral Spa? For a millionaire who does nothing but count money, Mr.
Wayne, you stay in fair condition.
Oh, I try to keep pretty active with falconry and spelunking.
And you people here at Minerva's Mineral Spa keep me in pretty good shape.
Well, that'll about do it for you, sir.
Unless, of course, you'd like one of Minerva's Eggplant Jelly Vitamin Scalp Massages.
No, I've got to get dressed and get out of here.
Thank you.
NARRATOR".
But for another millionaire not so pressed for time the renowned scalp massage of Minerva one of Gotham City's most beautiful and glamorous women is about to produce some amazing results.
Tell me, darling how did you collect that divine fortune of yours? By never taking a beautiful woman at face value, Minerva.
Ha, ha.
Tell me some more, darling.
Tell me, where do you keep that fortune? Two million dollars' worth of negotiable securities in the grandfather's clock, of course.
Well, of course.
There you are, darling.
Atlas, put Mr.
Dozier into my perfumed pressurizer.
NARRATOR".
And still another millionaire Tell me, darling how did you become a rich television producer? By never hiring method actors, Minerva.
And by always ignoring network executives.
Tell me some more.
Where do you keep that lovely loot of yours? In the television set, of course.
But of course.
Here you are, darling.
I hope you enjoyed your treatment.
Minerva, after every visit to your spa, I always feel like a new man.
Hmm.
I feel like a new man too, Bruce.
Bruce.
Bruce Wayne.
- Hello, Sam.
How are you? -Thank you.
My wife was thrilled to get that invitation to the private Wayne Foundation showing of the greatest diamonds next week.
A very interesting affair.
Most of the major stones are here already.
Under lock and key, I hope.
Oh, yes, they're quite safe in the Wayne Foundation vault.
Ah.
Oh, Minerva, has my wife shown up to pick me up yet? I'll check with Aphrodite.
Anything wrong, darling? I thought I left my wristwatch in this box.
Aphrodite, did Mr.
Shubert's wife arrive yet? She's in the waiting room.
This way, please.
- Thank you.
Minerva, Bruce, I'll see you later.
-Yes, goodbye, Sam.
You were saying? Oh, it's nothing.
I must have been mistaken.
Good day.
Come back soon, darling.
Those emeralds, Minerva they were in Mrs.
Carson's cookie jar, just like you said.
Of course they were, but I'm no longer interested in the emeralds.
Now that I have a way to get into the Wayne Foundation vault.
- That watch.
-Yes, that watch.
With this watch, I'm going to have my hands on the world's largest diamonds.
And thus glorious, glamorous, glittering power.
Freddie, I have some fast fencing for you to do.
I am not known as, in fact, "French Freddie the Fence" for nothing, Minerva.
Shortly, I'll have the combination of the Wayne Foundation vault and then you'll have the world's largest diamonds to fence.
Famous diamonds are not easy to fence, Minerva.
Heh.
If I can get them, Freddie you can fence them.
Frankly, I'm stumped.
And only Mr.
Dozier knew those securities were in that grandfather's clock.
And Mr.
Horwitz's cash out of his TV set.
But someone else stole them, commissioner.
Right, and Mrs.
Shubert's pearls out of her tea urn and Mr.
Converse's bonds out of a sleeping bag.
Well, if you ask me, millionaires in this city certainly choose strange hiding places for their valuables.
But known only to themselves, Barbara.
Each swears no other soul alive was in on their secret.
But we ought to let someone else in on our problem, commissioner.
Your problem, Chief O'Hara is that leg of yours that you sprained when playing Ping-Pong.
I'll take care of the little things like stolen bonds and emeralds and securities.
You found my watch, Minerva? Yes, Bruce.
It must have fallen out of the box when I unlocked it.
I'll send someone down for it.
Why don't you come for it yourself? - A special treat for you.
- A treat, Minerva? I'll be there shortly.
- One moment, sir.
-Yes, commissioner? Batman, we need your help.
About a rash of robberies for which there is no explanation.
Millionaire William Dozier's securities stolen out of a grandfather's clock oil heiress Camille Carson's emeralds from her cookie jar producer Howie Horwitz's cash out of his TV set.
We'll be there as quickly as possible, but first I have one errand to run.
- Did you hear that, Dick? -A bit.
Emeralds, cookie jars, bonds and TV sets.
It's the victims that make this case intriguing and unique.
They're all immensely wealthy.
And they're all frequenters of Minerva's Mineral Spa.
Gosh, Bruce.
Would Minerva stoop to something like that? It's hard to believe, Dick.
She's so beautiful and worth investigating.
- To the Batpoles? -You to the Batpoles, Dick.
I want you to take the Batmobile with a spare Batsuit for me.
And I want you to meet me in the alley behind the spa.
I'll take my own car and be sure and find you.
Roger.
I came here to pick up a wristwatch and I get a free Eggplant Jelly Vitamin Scalp Massage.
That was my special little treat, on the house because of that silly misunderstanding over your watch.
Now, this is only going to take a minute.
The combination to the Wayne Foundation vault? Right seven times to eight left four times past six to 11.
Right twice to nine left to three, and open.
Oh.
That was marvelous, Minerva.
Heh.
There you are, my darling.
Your root ends are really glowing.
Here you are, darling.
Thank you.
Are you sure I can't pay you anything for the special treatment, Minerva? Seeing you again was payment enough.
Excuse me.
Minerva's Mineral Spa.
Lord Easystreet? Hello, Easy.
I haven't seen you for ages.
I'll meet you in the alley in a moment.
I don't know what's up in here, but I suspect Batman and Robin should investigate further.
Yes, yes, 4:30 is good enough for a scalp massage.
Tell Commissioner Gordon that we might be detained.
Divine, darling, divine.
- How did it go, Minerva? -Beautifully.
But Hello.
We'd like the full treatment, please.
Well, of course.
Register for both yourself and your son.
Although I'd be proud if he were, this is not my son.
This is Robin, the Boy Wonder.
I'm Batman.
Well, I'm so sorry, I couldn't recognize your face.
But your physique was very familiar.
Check your valuables.
After you've disrobed, Adonis and Apollo are going to start you off.
We have no valuables to check.
And if we disrobed, we'd reveal our secret true identities.
That's too bad.
You can't get the full value of my mineral spa fully dressed.
Our boots, leotards, gauntlets, capes, cowls and even our utility belts are more permeable than you might think.
Shall we start? This way, gentlemen.
What's the matter, Minerva? I don't know, but my female intuition tells me there's something wrong.
I had the strange feeling that millionaire Bruce Wayne was issuing instructions through his watch.
- Huh? -And Batman is a close friend of his.
Be sure that those dynamic darlings get our full treatment.
Including some extra pressurizing in my perfumed pressurizer.
Persimmon pressurizer, Minerva.
Call it whatever you want, but do it while I'm going to the Wayne Foundation vault.
Yes, I'm looking forward to Minerva's famous Eggplant Jelly Vitamin Scalp Massage.
Minerva thought you might pop them into the persimmon pressurizer first.
Persimmon pressurizer? Holy astringent plum-like fruit.
Only astringent until ripe, Robin.
I think you'll find the experience most palatable.
This way, gentlemen.
Atlas, what's up? Minerva wants them permanently pressurized.
The experience may be palatable, Batman, but I don't like the looks of this thing.
Me neither, Robin.
It's not how the pressurizer looks that counts, Batman.
Uh-huh.
It's how you're going to look when you're in it.
And when it's finished with you.
NARRATOR".
So mischievous Minerva pursues her malfeasant maneuver at the Wayne Foundation.
"Left to three.
" And voilà.
Oh.
Oh, you beautiful, beautiful darlings.
Oh.
I love you, I love you.
Some more.
While our fearless crime-fighters face a fate usually befalling frozen foods.
Holy human pressure cookers.
An apt expression, Robin.
Too apt.
- Minerva, they're gone.
-They are not gone, they are just not here.
Isn't that the same thing? They are completely pressurized.
There's nothing left of the little darlings.
- Well, then let's take off with their loot.
-Not until my dear friend Lord Easystreet has his vitamin scalp massage at 4:30.
Why wait for that? Because he's the world's richest man.
And just think about the thoughts he's going to transfer.
Think about the thoughts millionaire Bruce Wayne transfers to the police when he finds the diamonds are gone.
I reset the dial.
It will take them at least two weeks before they can get in.
And in the meanwhile NARRATOR".
But in the meantime, what's this? The pressurized campaigners alive? And heading into the Batcave on the double? Where a vastly relieved Alfred awaits them.
I must say, sir, I'm delighted to see you both.
We're delighted to be here and wouldn't be if Batman hadn't the foresight to pop two Steam-Neutralizing Bat-pellets into his utility belt.
Steam-Neutralizing Bat-pellets? I'll explain later.
I must get to Commissioner Gordon.
About Madame Minerva, I presume? Definitely about Minerva.
Her three Greek goons popped us into a human pressure cooker.
Oh, my word.
And soon we'll be finding out how Minerva fits into the picture, Alfred.
And how you may be fitting into the picture.
Me? My three beautiful boys put Batman and Robin in my perfumed pressurizer and pressurized them to death? That's utter nonsense.
Ha, ha.
It isn't nonsense that they tried to, Minerva.
How young and healthy you both look after treatment in my spa.
We're lucky we even look alive after that pressure cooking.
I am so sorry.
Something must have gone wrong with one of the machines.
But to accuse me and my staff for attempting murder is completely ridiculous.
Well, now that this little misunderstanding is straightened out-- Not exactly straightened out, Minerva.
Just where did you pick up those three male assistants? I don't pick up men, men pick me up.
But really, Batman, don't be so square.
In an hour's time, I have an appointment with my dear old friend Lord Easystreet for a vitamin scalp massage.
I mustn't disappoint him.
Oh, no, of course not.
I'm sorry we inconvenienced you by asking you to come here.
Not at all.
Not at all.
- May I show you to the elevator? - Yes, please.
Ah, Barbara.
Minerva, my daughter.
Hello.
Good bye.
Well, the fabulous Minerva.
Who knows just how fabulous? What's the matter? You all look as sober as a glass of water.
An attempt on one's life has a rather sobering effect, Ms.
Gordon.
Someone tried to kill you, Batman? And Robin? Was Minerva involved? It's hard to say, at this point.
Sure, and it is.
What are your plans, Batman? Chief O'Hara, I know someone who bears a striking resemblance to Lord Easystreet.
Gosh, yes.
So you do, Batman.
And if he were to be detained so that he couldn't make his 4:30 appointment at Minerva's-- -Say no more, Batman.
Lord Easystreet was in the library this morning looking for a rare volume on the vesper sparrow.
He's a multimillionaire bird watcher, among his other multis.
I could call and tell him I've found the book, which I did, at one of the branch libraries.
That should distract him from any plans he might have this afternoon.
What a charming and beautiful lady Minerva is.
We should all be ashamed of our suspicions.
Commissioner Gordon.
What? What? What? Well, of course.
We'll get on it at once.
- What was all that? -The head of security at the Wayne Foundation.
Someone's tampered with the vault containing precious diamonds for that private showing.
The combination's changed.
No one knows if anything was taken.
I must try and get in touch with Bruce Wayne.
Oh, you mean millionaire Bruce Wayne? I believe he's out of town for the day.
I'd better make that call about the book.
I think His Lordship is staying at the Gotham Towers.
Now, who is that man who bears such a striking resemblance to multimillionaire Lord Easystreet? Coincidentally, it's millionaire Bruce Wayne's butler, Alfred.
You won't believe this, but they are still alive.
We better make tracks quick, then.
Not until my dear old friend Lord Easystreet-- Go on, boys, go on.
Hello, Minerva.
My dear, surely you recognize me.
I'm Lord Easystreet.
Oh, of course, Easy.
It's only that you're a little bit thinner and little tiny bit older.
Well, the years have a way of catching up with us multimillionaires, Minerva just as with the common people.
But perhaps your Eggplant Jelly Vitamin Scalp Massage might prove rejuvenating.
It does wonders, Easy.
Not miracles but wonders.
- Shall we try? -Ha, ha.
They're gone.
Every diamond in that vault is gone.
Batman, how could you have opened a vault to which you didn't know the combination in three seconds flat? With my Three-Seconds-Flat Bat-vault Combination Unscrambler, commissioner.
- Amazing.
-I must notify the insurance companies at once.
And we must throw a cordon of police around Gotham City, Chief O'Hara.
Come on.
Well, Batman, back to the Batcave? No, Robin.
To Minerva's Mineral Spa.
I strongly suspect she extracted the combination to this vault from Bruce Wayne's brain via her Eggplant Jelly Vitamin Scalp Massage.
- Holy skull tap.
-Exactly, Robin.
Which she might be doing at this very moment with Alfred.
Extracting secrets he must never reveal.
To the spa.
NARRATOR".
While at this very minute, Barbara Gordon has had a similar hunch has made her challenging change into Batgirl and is off to do her bit for Alfred aboard the Batgirl-cycle.
Just relax, darling and think about your many, many, many millions.
It should be clear to almost anyone that I am not multimillionaire Lord Easystreet but actually I am-- But actually I am-- But actually I am-- But actually I am-- Go on, darling.
Don't stall now.
Don't stall.
- Batgirl, stop it, stop it, stop it! -Just let go! Adonis, Apollo, come and help! Help! Help! Grab her.
Grab him.
He's a darling old phony.
Put them both in my perfumed pressurizer while I get Freddie the Fence and start packing.
Higher, boys.
Put it on high.
Freddie the Fence has flown.
Any extra Steam Neutralizing Bat-pellets, Batman? I must say, Batgirl, it was rather fortunate that this thing short-circuited before I divulged my-- Our little secret.
Yes.
I'd say it was too, Alfred.
Darling.
So, darlings, you caught Freddie the Fence just before he flew.
- At the airport, Minerva.
-Just as he started to sing.
I told you, Minerva, it is not easy to fence famous diamonds.
Easier than to try to fly without wings, Freddie.
Ah.
There are some more songbirds in the rear of the store.
Plus a canary named Aphrodite.
Maybe I should have called it Minerva's Musical Spa.
It has rhythm, Minerva.
So has the paddy wagon, and it's raring to go.
Go on.
How divine.
I'm going to make Gotham State Prison the world's most elegant spa.
What happened to Batgirl? Who knows, Robin? Whoever knows?