Get Smart (1965) s03e26 Episode Script

- ( twig snaps ) - ( shouts ) Oh, so it's you, Bodecker.
Smart, you're not supposed to say, "Oh, so it's you, Bodecker.
" - First, the password.
- Right.
"A wet duck only flies at midnight.
" "The night is the devil's playground.
" "When the swallows come back to Campobello, there'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover.
" - Okay, Smart.
- Oh, so it's you, Bodecker.
- No.
- "No"? You're always getting me and Bodecker mixed up.
I'm Rosencrantz.
- Oh, so it's you, Rosencrantz.
- No.
You're supposed to use my code name on this case.
- What's your code name? - Bodecker.
- Bodecker.
- Do you have them? Yes, I have them, but they're for your eyes alone.
They're top secret.
Here are your sealed orders.
Bodecker: The envelope wasn't sealed.
Well, my orders were that the envelope wasn't to be sealed.
- Can I see your orders? - That's impossible.
- Why? - Because my orders are sealed.
This is an odd assignment.
We're to break into this mansion and take a picture of a portrait hanging in the library.
Of course.
Where else would they hide a painting except behind a wall safe? - Let's open it.
- No.
There's not enough light.
I'd better use Super-Satchel.
That's terrific! What did you call that? - Super-Satchel.
- I'll have to order one from CONTROL.
No, don't get it from CONTROL.
- They'll rob you blind.
- What do I do then? You'd better get it from a discount scientist.
No! Don't do that! You need gloves.
I have gloves.
No, not those kind of gloves.
Fingerprint gloves.
These are the fingerprints of Kessinger, a KAOS agent.
Anything we do, he'll be blamed for.
I can't hear the tumblers clicking.
I'll try.
No! Don't do that.
You'll leave an ear print.
Here, hold this.
( snaps ) Kessinger's ear.
( tumblers clicking ) Bodecker: She's beautiful.
Who is she? Max: Amanda Krispen.
Oh, yeah.
His estranged wife.
She left him because she was unhappy and went to Pittsburgh.
She couldn't have been that unhappy.
Then she took off for parts unknown.
( clattering ) - Someone's coming.
- I got to take a picture.
You boost me up, then I'll pull you over.
Good idea.
- I'd better get a stronger grip.
- Good idea.
My grip is slipping.
I'd better spit on my hands.
Go right ahead.
I'll boost you up, then you pull me over.
Good idea.
( faint rustling ) You okay? Perfect, except for one thing.
- What? - Next time, that way.
Bodecker: Hurry! Max: Okay.
Upsy-daisy.
- Only one of us can make it.
- You go.
- You go.
- You go.
- No.
- Okay.
I'll go, you stay.
- And I salute you.
- No, there's no time.
- ( rustling ) - Hurry! Someone's coming! - ( briefcase thumps ) - Max: Oof! Thanks.
( gunfire ) Bodecker, I salute you.
( theme music playing ) ( tires screech ) We have got to find those Krispen papers.
They contain the name of every enemy agent of this country-- every politician, every high-ranking army officer, every dentist who owes allegiance to KAOS.
Yes, well, how do we find them, Chief? Krispen would do anything to get his wife back.
We're going to make a trade-- his wife for the papers.
But we don't have his wife.
We just have that photograph.
Oh, I think we have more than that, 99.
Max, this is why I wanted you to take that picture last night-- to compare with this one.
But, Chief, if you already had a photograph of Amanda Krispen, why did you need another? Those two pictures are not of the same girl.
You're kidding.
That is Amanda Krispen-- that is Mimsi Sage.
But the resemblance is fantastic! Max: Except for the glasses.
It's our plan to have Miss Sage impersonate Amanda Krispen.
Of course, she'll have to be trained.
She's not an agent.
- What does she do? - We don't have much on her.
We know that she writes children's books.
She wrote "The Tiger That Couldn't," "The Elephant That Wouldn't" and "The Pussy That Would Like To.
" Well, do you think we can get her to cooperate with us, Chief? I don't know.
I think she'll have to be talked into being a spy.
Yes, well, I'm willing to take a fling at it, Chief.
- You start tomorrow.
- Couldn't I start this afternoon? No, Max.
I want you to read all of her books, get to know everything you can about her.
Oh, incidentally, we have information that Gruvnik of KAOS knows about Miss Sage.
- He may be after her too.
- Gruvnik the Spoiler? But I thought Gruvnik was with THRUSH.
Yes, well, he was traded just before the deadline for a rookie killer and two minor-league muggers.
- Would you let me go with you, Max? - Uh, no no no no.
I'll be perfectly all right, 99.
I won't.
- Watch your head on that thing, 99.
Right.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Uh, I'm Maxwell Smart.
I'm a great admirer of your books.
Oh, that's nice.
I've read everything that you've written, from "The Clock That Lost lts Tock" to "Happy Hippo Takes A Trip.
" You read "The Clock That Lost lts Tock"? Hardly anybody read that.
Oh, I read it.
I remember it well.
"Tick and tock lived in a clock, and all day long, the clock would go, 'tick-tock, tick-tock.
' then one day, tick and tock had a fight, and tick wouldn't talk to tock, and tock wouldn't talk to tick.
So tick ran away, and then all the clock could do was go, 'tock, tock, tock.
"' - You did read it.
- Yes.
I couldn't put it down.
- I was up all night with it.
- Well, it's only 12 pages.
Uh, 12 pages.
Yes, well There's some very small print there.
I reread it many times.
Well, would you like for me to autograph a book for you, Mr.
-- Mr.
Smart? How about the guest book in my apartment? What are you doing for dinner tonight? Um, eating.
Eating.
Yes.
Well, couldn't we eat together? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
I have to watch a mouse tonight.
- A mouse? - Yes.
You see, I do my own illustrating, and I have to study the mouse so I can draw it for my new book, "Seymour, the Psychedelic Mouse.
" "Seymour, the Psychedelic Mouse.
" Yes.
Oh.
Well, couldn't you do that tomorrow night? Oh, no, I rented the mouse for tonight.
Miss Sage, I'm with the government.
We need your help.
The government? Well, I certainly want to help the government.
That's our government, isn't it? Uh, yes.
Yes, that's our government.
I'm with the CONTROL agency.
You're a spy! ( giggles ) You're a spy! You're a spy and you want me to help you! - A spy! - You don't understand.
You see, you're putting me out of business.
If everybody knows that I'm a spy, then I'm no longer a spy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What do you want from me? Information? We need your help.
It's vital.
- You want me to be a spy?! - Shh! Shh! No, I can't, uh-- I can't be a spy.
I-- spies, uh they slink when they walk, and I can't slink.
Well, spies don't slink anymore.
That's out.
Besides, that's a pretty good "slunk.
" That's one of the best "slunks" I ever saw.
Oh, I'm not cut out for spying.
Yes, you are.
Besides, this assignment may have an effect on the whole security of our nation.
- You've got to help us.
- But why me? Because your country needs you.
Oh, well, I don't like to get involved with violence.
I deplore it.
Well, look at children's books.
They're filled with violence.
But that's another kind.
That's friendly violence.
The people who kill each other like each other.
Oh.
Yes.
Well, look.
What if I promise to keep you away from anything that's brutal? Chief's voice: Gruvnik of KAOS knows about Miss Sage.
He may be after her too.
Uh, Mimsi, autograph a book for me, and use my full name-- Maxwell.
And one for my nephew, Montgomery.
Well, if you really can, I mean, assure me that there'll be nothing unpleasant or physical-- - I promise you there'll be no violence.
- That was "Montgomery," wasn't it? And make one out for my Aunt George a-and my uncle, uh-- my Uncle Robert and to anybody else-- This is so different.
I never thought I'd ever be a-- a you-know-what.
I mean, I never, uh-- I never even wanted to be one.
Ever.
Mr.
Smart, I hate to keep harping on this, but my only concern is that there be no viol-- - What happened? - Oh, nothing.
I just picked up a copy of "War and Peace" and got involved.
Unbeknownst to you, Agent 86, and to your Chief, I have had every phase of the transformation of Miss Sage into Amanda Krispen photographed by secret camera.
Are you telling me that you took pictures of us without our knowing it? But that's dishonest! Why, that's spying, Chief.
The film has just come over from the lab.
I haven't had a chance to see it yet.
Therefore, I think that Mr.
Smart would be much the better narrator.
Shall we begin? Does this movie have a happy ending, Max? Don't worry, Chief.
I did everything you'd expect me to do.
I'm sorry to hear that.
- ( switch clicks ) - Run the film, please.
( dramatic music playing ) Max: That's Mimsi-- uh, Miss Sage.
Our first problem was glasses.
Mimsi wears them, Amanda doesn't.
Contact lenses were a possibility, but there was always the danger Krispen would detect them.
We decided to see if Mimsi, without glasses, could navigate across the room.
We put some obstacles in her path.
She passes the lamp.
She sees the ashtray on the stand.
She sees the chair.
Good.
Nearly perfect.
We're using contact lenses.
Max: As far as Amanda was concerned, doors were an accessory.
She preferred to leap into a car.
- After we got out of the hospital-- - Wheelwright: Stop the film! I think it is hopeless to have anyone try to become her.
Senator, I think you're making a big mistake.
I don't think you should judge by a training film.
I think you should judge by results.
Gentlemen, may I present Miss Amanda Krispen.
How do you do, Senator? - So good to see you again.
- Wheelwright: Amazing! It's a remarkable piece of work, Max.
She certainly is.
Now we can go ahead and contact Krispen, exchange your student for the Krispen papers.
Chief, Krispen's bound to learn that Mimsi isn't Amanda, isn't he? - I imagine so, Max.
- Well, what'll happen to her? He'll kill her, Max.
So you are the Maxwell Smart.
Yes.
I am the Maxwell Smart.
Sit down, please.
- Thank you.
- ( dull thump ) You're a surprise to me, Mr.
Smart.
For a man to have earned your reputation, I would have thought you older.
I wasn't prepared for you to be as distinguished as you are, as handsome.
But perhaps I'm embarrassing you.
Oh, no.
No no no no.
No, not at all.
We're trained to deal with the truth.
Well, very good.
May I offer you something? A cigarette? Oh, thank you.
A light, Mr.
Smart? - Thank you.
- And now perhaps we should get down to the purpose of your visit.
Yes, I think that would be advisable.
As you know, Mr.
Krispen, I came here to talk about Amanda.
Do you have Amanda? Yes.
But how do I know that after I turn Amanda over to you, you won't kill me? You don't.
But how do I know that after I give you the Krispen papers, you won't kill me? You don't.
Our safety, it seems, Mr.
Smart, is in those "don'ts.
" Yes.
Well, Amanda is in the garden.
I'll go and get her.
This way is shorter.
- Yes, I know.
- You know? Uh, yes, well, what I mean is that, uh, you can see the garden through the glass in the window.
Uh, that is, when the moonlight comes streaming through the curtains, you can see the-- uh, you could see the-- I'll go get her.
Well, Mimsi, this is it.
Big moment.
Oh, Max, I'm so nervous.
My stomach feels all funny inside.
Th-they say in the theater it's good to be nervous before you go on.
Is that all right in the spy business? Max, I'm going to miss you.
I mean, now that the training is over, I'm going to miss you-- I'm going to miss working with you.
Oh, listen to me.
I sound like I've had a drink.
Whenever I have even a little sip, I just say whatever I'm thinking, whatever's on my mind.
Oh, Max, I'm so nervous! Now, just take it easy, Mimsi.
Everything is gonna be fine.
- I know you're gonna be great.
- Honest? Honest.
I sound like a character in one of my books.
- Shall we go? - I won't let you down.
Max's voice: What happens when he finds out Mimsi isn't Amanda? Chief's voice: He'll kill her, Max.
Max: Well, Krispen, here's your wife.
- Hello, Kinsey.
- Amanda, darling.
And now, Krispen, if you don't mind, I'll take your papers.
In a moment.
Certainly an occasion such as this deserves-- no, demands-- commemoration.
Your favorite, my dear.
Hold it! No drinking! Uh, what I mean is that, uh, I'm not allowed to drink-- you see, I'm on duty.
Good.
There'll be that much more left for us, right, Amanda? - No-- yes.
- The only woman I've ever known who can consume champagne as though it were bottled water.
To us.
I don't need it, Kinsey.
I'm drunk with the pleasure of seeing you.
Ah, that's not a bit like you, Amanda.
You're not one to pass up Dom Perignon '59.
To the summers of our life.
Mimsi's voice: Just one little sip, and I can't stop drinking.
Krispen, the papers.
Ah, yes.
The papers.
Max: Very ingenious.
( softly ) Mimsi, are you all right? You're cute, you know that? You're very cute.
- Stop that, Mimsi! - It's your eyes.
They're very sexy when you can find them.
Mimsi, will you cut that out? It's ironic, my dear, that these very papers you covet will be the instrument with which I shall once again have-- Krispen, I'm running out of time and patience.
Mimsi, will you stop it? Leave me alone! Now, just let's sit down.
It may be hard for you to believe, Mr.
Smart, that the delicate creature before you is actually a woman obsessed with a desire for power.
She wanted these papers so that she could control KAOS.
Well, here's the key.
Ah, the key.
What key? - The key to the statue Zeus.
- Oh, that key.
Yes, that's where I keep the papers.
( chuckles ) Isn't it appropriate that Zeus should deliver you your precious papers? - I'll have those papers, Kinsey.
- Mimsi! Don't move, Smart.
- Mimsi! - No, Mr.
Smart, not Mimsi.
Not now or ever Mimsi.
- "Mimsi"? - Yes, Mimsi.
Stay where you are or I'll kill you.
You see, you were the only way I could get those papers from my husband.
It would have been so much simpler if you'd just given them to me in the first place.
Very well thought out, Amanda, but one slight miscalculation, as there always is.
Behind you is my man, Gelson.
I see no purpose in keeping you alive any longer, Mr.
Smart.
Just a moment.
You've made one slight miscalculation yourself.
If you'll glance over my shoulder, you'll see a statue of Aphrodite, which is not really a statue of Aphrodite but our own CONTROL Agent 99.
Well, very good, but Pluto behind your Aphrodite is my man, Bagel.
So you see, Mr.
Smart, you are in the hands of our guards.
But only temporarily.
Because behind your Pluto are Karvelas and Szathmary, two of our best CONTROL agents.
I've run out of statues.
Yes, well, I haven't, and I still have Bacchus, who happens to be the Chief of CONTROL.
Karvelas, Szathmary, take them downtown.
And turn in those costumes before midnight, or we'll be charged double.
All right, Max, now, can we get inside? I'm cold! Say, you know, you've got nice legs, Chief.
- Max! - Especially the right one.
( theme music playing )