Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e26 Episode Script
How to Escape From Prison Camp Without Really Trying
( theme song playing ) Oh, Herr Brockman, I Oh, please, Fraulein, not Herr Brockman.
Call me Horst.
Really, Horst, I think I've had enough wine.
My face is getting red as a beet.
Such a becoming color for such a lovely face.
You artists really have a way with words.
Mm-hmm.
It must be very exciting being a foreign correspondent.
Very dangerous, too.
Not nearly as dangerous as your brother's job.
Takes a real man to be an SS officer.
His division's right in the middle of the fighting, isn't it? It was.
They've been pulled back from the Russian front to The rest is a military secret, I'm afraid.
Better we not talk about it, then.
( whispering ): You never know who might be listening.
I propose a toast.
To what are we toasting? To your brother's division, the glorious 12th SS.
Sixth SS.
To the glorious Sixth SS.
May their victories at the Russian front be equal to their new victories in Sicily.
North Africa.
They're regrouping at Stuttgart, then they're off for a surprise counterattack at Tobruk.
It will be quite a surprise.
The Allies would never expect such a move.
To a glorious victory.
Oh, gracious.
With such enchanting company, I completely forgot.
I have to catch a plane in a half an hour.
But Horst, couldn't you take a later plane? If only I could, but I have an assignment of the greatest urgency.
One more glass of wine before you go? ( sighs ): Best I keep my head clear.
You know, I never did get your name or address.
Audrey St.
Laurence.
Special Operations Intelligence, London, England.
Are you sure you wormed enough information out of me, Colonel Hogan? Something must have happened.
Colonel Hogan's never been this late before.
Yeah, it's almost time for roll call.
He's here.
I could see him making his way to the edge of the woods.
Schultz coming.
We got to stall him till Colonel Hogan gets here.
Carter! Achtung! ( louder ): Achtung! What did you say, Schultz? I said "Achtung!" Oh.
Your bid, Kinch.
Two of clubs.
When I say "Achtung," that means that you all are to snap to attention.
Oh, is that what it means? Huh.
I always thought it meant "Good morning" or "Greetings, mates," something like that.
( chuckling ): No.
No, "Achtung" is a command.
When I say "Achtung," I want you all to come to attention at once.
I never was sure what it meant myself.
It always sounded like Schultz was just clearing his throat.
You say it's a command for attention, huh? That's right.
Now that you all know it Achtung! And a good morning to you, too, Schultz.
Didn't you hear what Schultz said? Sure.
He said "Achtung," so I said "Good morning" right back to him.
"Achtung" doesn't mean "Good morning.
" Well, that's what Newkirk says it means.
And who are we going to believe, one of us or one of them? He's got a point there.
Yes, he does.
You better brush up on your German, Schultz.
Yeah, don't use words you're not sure of.
In future, to avoid confusion, why don't you just say "Good morning" in English.
It wasn't Hi, Schultz.
Let us know when it's time for roll call, will you? Jawohl, Colonel.
But it is time for roll call! That's why I'm here in the first place.
It's almost past time for roll call.
Boy, you'd never make sergeant in our air force.
Roll call! Everybody out, out, out, out, out.
Roll call! Raus.
Thank you, and a "Good day" to you, too, Schultz.
And while I'm on leave, Colonel Krueger will be in charge of Stalag 13.
Now let me leave you with this warning: while the cat's away, the mice better not play.
And I will personally deal with any mouse play around here.
You can depend on my men to conduct themselves as they always have, sir.
Colonel Hogan, I will hold you responsible.
Sergeant Schultz, dismiss the men.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Achtung.
Now, uh, uh, uh I mean, good morning.
I mean attention.
HOGAN: Colonel Krueger looks like a lot of laughs, doesn't he? KINCH: Oh, yeah, he's a regular Huckleberry Finn.
Colonel Hogan, will you do me a small favor, please? Sure, Schultz; what is it? Will you tell your men not to leave until I say, "Prisoners dismissed.
" I mean, please, not everybody, but enough to make me look good.
Well, I don't mind hanging around when the weather's nice, but a man could take a nasty chill on a morning like this.
I think it was pretty decent of us to stick around for Colonel Klink's farewell address.
I believe my men's health comes before your personal glory, Schultz.
But Colonel Hogan, I do not want to make a bad impression on the new Kommandant.
From the looks of him, that's the only kind anybody's going to make on him.
That's not very nice of you, LeBeau.
Hey.
The colonel and the Gestapo act like old buddies.
What's up, Schultz? Are you asking me? Haven't you learned that I know nothing, I see nothing and I hear nothing? Morning, gentlemen.
Allow me to, uh Hogan, this is a private conversation.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Just wanted to pay my respects to Colonel Krueger here.
Military courtesy, you know.
Very good of you, Colonel.
You'll find that I'm more than willing to Hogan, this is a private conversation.
No one can hear what I'm saying, sir.
This is a private conversation between Colonel Krueger, Colonel Nikolas and myself.
Oh, of course, that's what you said before.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, I didn't mean to interrupt.
That's what you said before and all you've done is interrupt ever since.
Before I leave, I have a few things to discuss with Colonel Krueger-- personal matters.
You're welcome to use the officer's mess if you'd like, sir.
Excuse me, gentlemen, I think you'll find it much more convenient and more privacy in Colonel Klink's office.
We don't want to inconvenience the Kommandant.
Well, you see, I have a lot of work to do and It's no inconvenience at all.
Anything for the Gestapo, right, Colonel? Of course I can always do my work later.
That's most kind of you, Colonel.
That's nothing.
Glad to do it.
I was addressing the Kommandant.
Hogan! Try to be nice.
That will be all, Fraulein.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And one more thing-- would you make sure that we are not disturbed? Jawohl.
You know, Walter, in one week, Stalag 13 will not look like the same place.
Except for the Fraulein, I hope.
NIKOLAS ( over bugging device ): Now if we can only convince the High Command to let the military fight the war, let us run the prison camps.
When they see the changes here, they will be convinced.
So that's what they're up to.
A Gestapo takeover.
HOGAN: Kinch.
Yeah.
Did you radio London about that surprise attack the Sixth SS is planning? Not yet, Colonel-- too much interference.
The Germans must be jamming.
NIKOLAS: I like the idea of cutting food rations in half, and confiscating their Red Cross packages as spoils of war is really brilliant.
We must think of our own people, Walter.
They would pay us anything on the black market for those packages.
Ah.
I guess we heard enough.
I wish I hadn't heard any of it.
Those two are going to make a jail out of this prison camp.
Keep trying to get through to London, Kinch.
With the Gestapo here, we may have to go off the air on very short notice.
Right, Colonel.
We've got to keep Klink here.
We can kill this whole thing if we can get him to cancel his leave.
Cancel a two-week leave? No one in his right mind You may have a chance at that.
( humming ) Herr Kommandant, you're packed and ready to go.
Thank you, Schultz.
Ah, the mountain air will be beautiful this time of year.
I cannot wait to get up to the lodge.
Let me see-- the train trip will take about nine hours.
Would it be not much quicker to fly? It takes only an hour by airplane.
No, Schultz.
Then you miss the beautiful scenery.
Besides, I enjoy trains.
You would enjoy airplanes, too, if you wouldn't be afraid to fly.
Schultz, I'm not afraid of flying.
It's just that I find train traveling more relaxing.
Now, did you pack everything that I laid out? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Oh.
I think I forgot something.
What was it-- the nose drops, ear drops or the eye drops? Why don't you open the bag and make sure? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sorry to bust in on you like this, sir, but I just had to Thank goodness you're unpacking.
This is certainly no time to go on vacation.
Hogan, what are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about-- Colonel Krueger and his Gestapo hatchet man.
I was pretty sure you saw the same thing I saw.
What is it you saw? The same thing you saw.
You did see it, didn't you? If you saw it, I saw it.
What was it we were seeing? The nods and winks between Krueger and Nikolas.
Those two are up to something.
We both saw that.
Hogan, I Now that you're going to be staying on, they'll have to call off their little scheme.
What scheme? Colonel Krueger's after your command.
Well, you knew that.
Hogan, that's ridiculous.
Oh? Then why'd you cancel your leave? Because I Who said I canceled my leave? That's the only way to stop them.
What makes my blood boil is that they had the gall to plot against you in your own office.
Schultz, get that luggage unpacked on the double.
Jawohl, Colonel.
Achtung, Schultz.
Oh, no, no, Herr Kommandant, not "Achtung.
" "Achtung" is too late.
What you want to say is "Good afternoon, Sergeant Schultz.
" It's almost 3:30.
Suddenly, I'm surrounded by two lunatics.
Not lunatics, sir.
I'd call Krueger and Nikolas fanatics.
I was talking about you and Schultz.
Oh, swell.
That's the gratitude I get? I try to help.
What thanks do I get? Oh, I do thank you, Hogan.
I thank you for trying to ruin a trip that I've planned all last year.
I thank you for trying to make me suspicious of a loyal comrade.
I thank you for trying to turn one of my own men against me! Schultz, you fathead! Pack, don't unpack.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
He wasn't about to cancel his leave.
He just laughed at the idea of Krueger taking over here.
Yeah, well, the laugh's on him, although it's no laughing matter.
Yeah, the Gestapo have a way of taking all the fun out of prison life.
Guess that means we'll be going out of the espionage business for awhile, won't we, sir? I don't know.
Krueger could just be a very good fighter pilot with no brains at all for this command.
Yeah, that still makes him smarter than Klink.
And the Gestapo is supporting him.
If we could discredit Krueger takes care of the plan right there.
All clear, Kinch.
Colonel, I finally got through to London.
They send their warmest thanks and these instructions.
Instructions? I told them about the enemy attack.
What more do they want? Huh? Are they out of their ever-loving minds? This is crazy.
It's insane.
Absolutely insane.
There's no way.
Some nut had to come up with this one.
Good news, sir? The Allied forces need a little time to bring up fresh troops to launch a surprise counteroffensive against the German surprise counterattack.
What's that got to do with us? They want us to keep those SS troops pinned down here for at least two more days.
We're supposed to keep Did they say how we'd do that? There's only one way we surround them.
Now, I don't know We got so much going in our favor as it is.
You see, we're a small group, first of all, and we have the added advantage of being unarmed.
I'd say we try direct charge.
Good plan, Newkirk.
They'd never expect a surprise attack from five unarmed men.
So right there we've got the element of surprise going for us.
They don't really expect us to delay that division, do they, Colonel? Not unless you got this message wrong.
I thought it might be a mistake, too, so I asked them to repeat it.
Five times I asked them to repeat it.
I'd say they definitely expect us to delay that division.
How? We don't even have any guns.
Carter, if we had guns there'd be no trick to it at all, would there? We'd just sneak up behind them 10,000 men, we'd say, "All right, this is a stick-up.
Don't anybody move for three days.
" If this is an example of London's warmest thanks, we better not send them any more enemy information.
They've given us tough assignments before and we've always been able to think of a way to get them done.
They probably just assume that we're going to do it the same way with this little problem.
Well, five men cannot hold off a division.
ALL: Right.
It's ridiculous.
Right.
Just can't be done.
Right.
And here's how we're going to do it.
Escape! What escape?! I went to Barrack One for morning roll call and the men were gone.
How many men? All 15 of them.
What's happening, Kinch? Is Krueger calling out the Sixth SS to help in the search? Nikolas is all for it, but Krueger wants to handle it himself.
NEWKIRK: Here you are, boys, our own private entrance to the camp.
All right, fellows, let's go.
Hi.
Here we go.
Move all the way back there, huh? Plenty of room for everybody.
Can you fill us in on just what we're doing, sir? Yeah, we have orders to keep the Sixth SS Division from moving out.
We're hoping Colonel Krueger gets them to help track down all the escaped prisoners.
What escaped prisoners are you talking about, Colonel? I'm talking about you My cooperation just ended.
I don't like being a prisoner of war, but I'm a lot safer inside than I am outside.
Colonel, they'd nail us before we got ten feet.
And them SS boys, they're a trigger-happy bunch.
Let me explain something.
Nobody's stepping foot outside this camp.
That way you won't be taking any chances.
We're escaped prisoners, but we never leave the prison, right? That's right, we're going to hide you here in the tunnel.
All right, let's move out.
Come on, fellows, make room for him.
One more in there-- plenty of room.
When he was captured, did they have to quiet him down with a crack on the head or anything like that? I imagine he put up a bit of a struggle, yes.
Something bothering you, Sergeant? Well, it's this escape idea.
Does it make any sense to you? Frankly, I think it's one of the Colonel's more brilliant plans.
Uh-huh You took a couple of good ones in the old noggin yourself, didn't you? I will not have escaped prisoners sabotaging the German war effort.
I will have to call in the Sixth SS Division.
That will not be necessary, Colonel.
My men will capture the prisoners.
Your men are the ones who let them get away in the first place.
Surely you don't think that this escape is my fault? Bah.
But obviously they have been planning it for some time-- right under the nose of Colonel Klink.
But they escaped under yours, so you can't really pin this on anybody's nose except your own! Sergeant! J-j-jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Shall I call the prisoners to attention? No, Sergeant.
I would like you to kick in the door and we'll see what they may be up to.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Didn't you hear the Kommandant?! Kick in the door! Nobody move or I will They're gone, too.
Where are they? They must have escaped.
They couldn't have.
Why not? This seems to be the day for it.
If they have escaped, they cannot be far from here.
So you will organize a search party and go after them.
Yes, sir! But I have already a search party out looking for the men from Barrack Number One.
So organize a second search party.
Yes, Colonel.
If this keeps up, we won't have any men left to guard the prisoners.
If this keeps up, Sergeant, you won't have any prisoners left to guard.
Yes, Colonel.
May I use your office phone, Colonel Krueger? If you think you are going to call the Sixth SS Division to help That's exactly what I think I'll do.
All right now, fellows, Colonel Hogan wants you men to feel free to do anything you feel like doing.
A couple of things you can't do: Uh, no smoking and no moving around.
You know, no unnecessary noises like talk and stuff like that.
Just what can we do? Well, I would suggest you find a nice, comfortable spot and sack out for awhile.
I just left a comfortable spot where I was sacked out.
How long are we going to be stuck in this Black Hole of Calcutta? Only a very short time-- one or two days at the most.
( men grumbling ) Well, how are we fixed for chow? Oh, well, now, you're going to be eating the very best.
You see, our chef here, Corporal LeBeau, has an access to the officers' mess.
So we have a ready supply Not anymore.
They had all the locks changed.
Does that mean there ain't no chow for us? You'll be fed, Corporal.
We don't have a lot of food, but with a little imagination I can make a very nice dinner.
What about breakfast and lunch? I imagine that's what I'll be making it with.
Oh, hey, come on, fellows, just hold it down now.
You want the Germans to catch you? No, I want them to rescue us.
What kind of soldiers are you? You're not thinking of the thousands of lives you can save! You only care about eating and sleeping! Have you forgotten we're fighting a war and why we're fighting it?! Okay, Frenchy, before you break into the "Marseillay.
" "Marseillaise.
" All right, you've made your point.
I guess I can stand to be a caveman for a few days.
That goes for the rest of you guys, too.
NEWKIRK: Hey, come on, move on back down there.
Get closer.
Make room for the fugitives from Barracks Three! ( humming ) Oh, good morning, Colonel Klink.
Good morning, Bruno.
Just came down to check where I start with Fraulein Baermann.
I mean, about my skiing lessons, of course.
That's marvelous.
Oh, Colonel, it's wonderful to see a man who faces death seven days a week and still has a sense of humor.
I guess maybe that is the way all heroes are.
Oh, Bruno, I'm a far cry from being a hero.
I believe the Colonel forgets that little slip of the tongue last night.
"Slip of the tongue," huh? About the three medals personally presented by the Führer himself.
I didn't, did I? Yes, you did.
"Killer Klink.
" Not my nickname, too? Oh, but do not worry, Colonel, I haven't said a word to anyone else.
Your secret is safe with me.
Ah, that's good.
Thank you, Bruno.
Well, I'm here to forget all about the war for awhile.
I'm sick and tired of fighting and bloodshed.
For the next two weeks it's death takes a holiday.
Oh, I meant to tell you, Colonel.
General Burkhalter is very anxious.
He didn't call again, did he? Well, I'm still not in.
The next time he calls, I'm in, but I've just gone out.
But, Colonel, I think you had better No, no, no, no-- I do not want to talk to him.
He's probably found out something about some paperwork I've done wrong and that'll give him a chance to yell at someone for an hour or two.
You know something, Bruno? Fat men are supposed to be jolly.
General Burkhalter is just a nasty old tub of lard.
BRUNO: Colonel And the next time he phones, I'm out.
He didn't call this time.
He didn't? Well, if he didn't, he probably telegraphed, and if he didn't telegraph, he's probably standing right behind me.
( laughs ) Oh! What a wonderful surprise, General Burkhalter.
I knew you were here all the time.
I bet you're ready to blow your lard I mean You know I was only kidding, don't you? Of course you were.
And I want you to know I haven't laughed like this in years.
Yes, sir, as I said before, it's a wonderful surprise.
Are you here for any special reason? Yes, I am, Klink.
Since you were obviously ducking my phone calls, I decided to see you personally.
Ducking your phone calls, sir? Bruno, why didn't you tell me General Burkhalter was Klink! I heard everything you said.
Yes, sir.
Now, you know I was only kidding.
It was all said in very good fun and I hope you took it in the spirit that it was intended to.
After all, I would be the last man to Shut up, Klink.
Yes, sir.
Let us go to your room.
I will do the talking while you do the packing.
Yes, sir, that's fine.
You do the talking Did you say "packing"? That's right, "Killer.
" What you said is absolutely true.
I really am a nasty old tub of lard.
Yes, sir, I know the Sixth Division has been tied up for three days.
Yes, sir, it is a problem.
However, I'm sure you'll agree that no one's really to blame for it That's exactly what I was saying, sir-- no one's really to blame for it but me.
Tell Marshal Goering I said hello.
Klink, this is a private conversation.
I'm sorry, I only wanted to pay my respects.
Yes, sir, you're absolutely right, sir.
It is my problem and I will personally take care of it at once.
Yes, sir, it is as good as done.
Nice talking to you again.
Please give Mrs.
Goering my ( phone disconnects ) Swine.
Is something wrong, sir? Marshall Goering has issued an order that all of the escaped prisoners are to be found by tomorrow morning.
Well, General Burkhalter, do you think it can be done? I don't see how-- but this is your problem, not mine.
My problem? It was your problem a moment ago when you spoke to Field Marshal Goering.
Yes, it was.
But luckily, I'm not talking to Marshal Goering now.
I am talking to Colonel Klink! A man with a very big problem on his hands.
Sorry to barge in on you, Colonel, but this is terribly important.
Hi, General.
I want to ask you, sir-- no, I want to beg you-- not to be too tough on those poor, misguided men.
What men? The 30 escaped prisoners.
It was an obvious case of mass temporary insanity.
You will let them off easy, won't you, sir? You know where they are? No, sir, but once they hear that Colonel Klink's back in charge, naturally they'll turn themselves in.
Why would they do a crazy thing like that? It would be crazy not to.
They know Colonel Klink won't sleep until he catches every last one of them.
And he's awfully mean when he doesn't sleep.
I think you are the one with the temporary insanity, Hogan.
If the entire Sixth Division couldn't find them, how is this, uh Herr Kommandant, it is them.
All the escaped prisoners are back in the barracks.
They got here sooner than I expected, sir.
I hope you'll find it in your heart, sir, to be lenient.
I will, Hogan.
I also hope you find it in your heart, sir, to give us some of the supplies we're running short on.
We'll talk about that some other time.
It's perfectly all right, sir.
I've made out a list.
If you'll just okay it, I'm quite sure Sergeant Schultz can run it over to supply.
Oh, you don't have a pen.
Here Use mine.
Call me Horst.
Really, Horst, I think I've had enough wine.
My face is getting red as a beet.
Such a becoming color for such a lovely face.
You artists really have a way with words.
Mm-hmm.
It must be very exciting being a foreign correspondent.
Very dangerous, too.
Not nearly as dangerous as your brother's job.
Takes a real man to be an SS officer.
His division's right in the middle of the fighting, isn't it? It was.
They've been pulled back from the Russian front to The rest is a military secret, I'm afraid.
Better we not talk about it, then.
( whispering ): You never know who might be listening.
I propose a toast.
To what are we toasting? To your brother's division, the glorious 12th SS.
Sixth SS.
To the glorious Sixth SS.
May their victories at the Russian front be equal to their new victories in Sicily.
North Africa.
They're regrouping at Stuttgart, then they're off for a surprise counterattack at Tobruk.
It will be quite a surprise.
The Allies would never expect such a move.
To a glorious victory.
Oh, gracious.
With such enchanting company, I completely forgot.
I have to catch a plane in a half an hour.
But Horst, couldn't you take a later plane? If only I could, but I have an assignment of the greatest urgency.
One more glass of wine before you go? ( sighs ): Best I keep my head clear.
You know, I never did get your name or address.
Audrey St.
Laurence.
Special Operations Intelligence, London, England.
Are you sure you wormed enough information out of me, Colonel Hogan? Something must have happened.
Colonel Hogan's never been this late before.
Yeah, it's almost time for roll call.
He's here.
I could see him making his way to the edge of the woods.
Schultz coming.
We got to stall him till Colonel Hogan gets here.
Carter! Achtung! ( louder ): Achtung! What did you say, Schultz? I said "Achtung!" Oh.
Your bid, Kinch.
Two of clubs.
When I say "Achtung," that means that you all are to snap to attention.
Oh, is that what it means? Huh.
I always thought it meant "Good morning" or "Greetings, mates," something like that.
( chuckling ): No.
No, "Achtung" is a command.
When I say "Achtung," I want you all to come to attention at once.
I never was sure what it meant myself.
It always sounded like Schultz was just clearing his throat.
You say it's a command for attention, huh? That's right.
Now that you all know it Achtung! And a good morning to you, too, Schultz.
Didn't you hear what Schultz said? Sure.
He said "Achtung," so I said "Good morning" right back to him.
"Achtung" doesn't mean "Good morning.
" Well, that's what Newkirk says it means.
And who are we going to believe, one of us or one of them? He's got a point there.
Yes, he does.
You better brush up on your German, Schultz.
Yeah, don't use words you're not sure of.
In future, to avoid confusion, why don't you just say "Good morning" in English.
It wasn't Hi, Schultz.
Let us know when it's time for roll call, will you? Jawohl, Colonel.
But it is time for roll call! That's why I'm here in the first place.
It's almost past time for roll call.
Boy, you'd never make sergeant in our air force.
Roll call! Everybody out, out, out, out, out.
Roll call! Raus.
Thank you, and a "Good day" to you, too, Schultz.
And while I'm on leave, Colonel Krueger will be in charge of Stalag 13.
Now let me leave you with this warning: while the cat's away, the mice better not play.
And I will personally deal with any mouse play around here.
You can depend on my men to conduct themselves as they always have, sir.
Colonel Hogan, I will hold you responsible.
Sergeant Schultz, dismiss the men.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Achtung.
Now, uh, uh, uh I mean, good morning.
I mean attention.
HOGAN: Colonel Krueger looks like a lot of laughs, doesn't he? KINCH: Oh, yeah, he's a regular Huckleberry Finn.
Colonel Hogan, will you do me a small favor, please? Sure, Schultz; what is it? Will you tell your men not to leave until I say, "Prisoners dismissed.
" I mean, please, not everybody, but enough to make me look good.
Well, I don't mind hanging around when the weather's nice, but a man could take a nasty chill on a morning like this.
I think it was pretty decent of us to stick around for Colonel Klink's farewell address.
I believe my men's health comes before your personal glory, Schultz.
But Colonel Hogan, I do not want to make a bad impression on the new Kommandant.
From the looks of him, that's the only kind anybody's going to make on him.
That's not very nice of you, LeBeau.
Hey.
The colonel and the Gestapo act like old buddies.
What's up, Schultz? Are you asking me? Haven't you learned that I know nothing, I see nothing and I hear nothing? Morning, gentlemen.
Allow me to, uh Hogan, this is a private conversation.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Just wanted to pay my respects to Colonel Krueger here.
Military courtesy, you know.
Very good of you, Colonel.
You'll find that I'm more than willing to Hogan, this is a private conversation.
No one can hear what I'm saying, sir.
This is a private conversation between Colonel Krueger, Colonel Nikolas and myself.
Oh, of course, that's what you said before.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, I didn't mean to interrupt.
That's what you said before and all you've done is interrupt ever since.
Before I leave, I have a few things to discuss with Colonel Krueger-- personal matters.
You're welcome to use the officer's mess if you'd like, sir.
Excuse me, gentlemen, I think you'll find it much more convenient and more privacy in Colonel Klink's office.
We don't want to inconvenience the Kommandant.
Well, you see, I have a lot of work to do and It's no inconvenience at all.
Anything for the Gestapo, right, Colonel? Of course I can always do my work later.
That's most kind of you, Colonel.
That's nothing.
Glad to do it.
I was addressing the Kommandant.
Hogan! Try to be nice.
That will be all, Fraulein.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And one more thing-- would you make sure that we are not disturbed? Jawohl.
You know, Walter, in one week, Stalag 13 will not look like the same place.
Except for the Fraulein, I hope.
NIKOLAS ( over bugging device ): Now if we can only convince the High Command to let the military fight the war, let us run the prison camps.
When they see the changes here, they will be convinced.
So that's what they're up to.
A Gestapo takeover.
HOGAN: Kinch.
Yeah.
Did you radio London about that surprise attack the Sixth SS is planning? Not yet, Colonel-- too much interference.
The Germans must be jamming.
NIKOLAS: I like the idea of cutting food rations in half, and confiscating their Red Cross packages as spoils of war is really brilliant.
We must think of our own people, Walter.
They would pay us anything on the black market for those packages.
Ah.
I guess we heard enough.
I wish I hadn't heard any of it.
Those two are going to make a jail out of this prison camp.
Keep trying to get through to London, Kinch.
With the Gestapo here, we may have to go off the air on very short notice.
Right, Colonel.
We've got to keep Klink here.
We can kill this whole thing if we can get him to cancel his leave.
Cancel a two-week leave? No one in his right mind You may have a chance at that.
( humming ) Herr Kommandant, you're packed and ready to go.
Thank you, Schultz.
Ah, the mountain air will be beautiful this time of year.
I cannot wait to get up to the lodge.
Let me see-- the train trip will take about nine hours.
Would it be not much quicker to fly? It takes only an hour by airplane.
No, Schultz.
Then you miss the beautiful scenery.
Besides, I enjoy trains.
You would enjoy airplanes, too, if you wouldn't be afraid to fly.
Schultz, I'm not afraid of flying.
It's just that I find train traveling more relaxing.
Now, did you pack everything that I laid out? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Oh.
I think I forgot something.
What was it-- the nose drops, ear drops or the eye drops? Why don't you open the bag and make sure? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sorry to bust in on you like this, sir, but I just had to Thank goodness you're unpacking.
This is certainly no time to go on vacation.
Hogan, what are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about-- Colonel Krueger and his Gestapo hatchet man.
I was pretty sure you saw the same thing I saw.
What is it you saw? The same thing you saw.
You did see it, didn't you? If you saw it, I saw it.
What was it we were seeing? The nods and winks between Krueger and Nikolas.
Those two are up to something.
We both saw that.
Hogan, I Now that you're going to be staying on, they'll have to call off their little scheme.
What scheme? Colonel Krueger's after your command.
Well, you knew that.
Hogan, that's ridiculous.
Oh? Then why'd you cancel your leave? Because I Who said I canceled my leave? That's the only way to stop them.
What makes my blood boil is that they had the gall to plot against you in your own office.
Schultz, get that luggage unpacked on the double.
Jawohl, Colonel.
Achtung, Schultz.
Oh, no, no, Herr Kommandant, not "Achtung.
" "Achtung" is too late.
What you want to say is "Good afternoon, Sergeant Schultz.
" It's almost 3:30.
Suddenly, I'm surrounded by two lunatics.
Not lunatics, sir.
I'd call Krueger and Nikolas fanatics.
I was talking about you and Schultz.
Oh, swell.
That's the gratitude I get? I try to help.
What thanks do I get? Oh, I do thank you, Hogan.
I thank you for trying to ruin a trip that I've planned all last year.
I thank you for trying to make me suspicious of a loyal comrade.
I thank you for trying to turn one of my own men against me! Schultz, you fathead! Pack, don't unpack.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
He wasn't about to cancel his leave.
He just laughed at the idea of Krueger taking over here.
Yeah, well, the laugh's on him, although it's no laughing matter.
Yeah, the Gestapo have a way of taking all the fun out of prison life.
Guess that means we'll be going out of the espionage business for awhile, won't we, sir? I don't know.
Krueger could just be a very good fighter pilot with no brains at all for this command.
Yeah, that still makes him smarter than Klink.
And the Gestapo is supporting him.
If we could discredit Krueger takes care of the plan right there.
All clear, Kinch.
Colonel, I finally got through to London.
They send their warmest thanks and these instructions.
Instructions? I told them about the enemy attack.
What more do they want? Huh? Are they out of their ever-loving minds? This is crazy.
It's insane.
Absolutely insane.
There's no way.
Some nut had to come up with this one.
Good news, sir? The Allied forces need a little time to bring up fresh troops to launch a surprise counteroffensive against the German surprise counterattack.
What's that got to do with us? They want us to keep those SS troops pinned down here for at least two more days.
We're supposed to keep Did they say how we'd do that? There's only one way we surround them.
Now, I don't know We got so much going in our favor as it is.
You see, we're a small group, first of all, and we have the added advantage of being unarmed.
I'd say we try direct charge.
Good plan, Newkirk.
They'd never expect a surprise attack from five unarmed men.
So right there we've got the element of surprise going for us.
They don't really expect us to delay that division, do they, Colonel? Not unless you got this message wrong.
I thought it might be a mistake, too, so I asked them to repeat it.
Five times I asked them to repeat it.
I'd say they definitely expect us to delay that division.
How? We don't even have any guns.
Carter, if we had guns there'd be no trick to it at all, would there? We'd just sneak up behind them 10,000 men, we'd say, "All right, this is a stick-up.
Don't anybody move for three days.
" If this is an example of London's warmest thanks, we better not send them any more enemy information.
They've given us tough assignments before and we've always been able to think of a way to get them done.
They probably just assume that we're going to do it the same way with this little problem.
Well, five men cannot hold off a division.
ALL: Right.
It's ridiculous.
Right.
Just can't be done.
Right.
And here's how we're going to do it.
Escape! What escape?! I went to Barrack One for morning roll call and the men were gone.
How many men? All 15 of them.
What's happening, Kinch? Is Krueger calling out the Sixth SS to help in the search? Nikolas is all for it, but Krueger wants to handle it himself.
NEWKIRK: Here you are, boys, our own private entrance to the camp.
All right, fellows, let's go.
Hi.
Here we go.
Move all the way back there, huh? Plenty of room for everybody.
Can you fill us in on just what we're doing, sir? Yeah, we have orders to keep the Sixth SS Division from moving out.
We're hoping Colonel Krueger gets them to help track down all the escaped prisoners.
What escaped prisoners are you talking about, Colonel? I'm talking about you My cooperation just ended.
I don't like being a prisoner of war, but I'm a lot safer inside than I am outside.
Colonel, they'd nail us before we got ten feet.
And them SS boys, they're a trigger-happy bunch.
Let me explain something.
Nobody's stepping foot outside this camp.
That way you won't be taking any chances.
We're escaped prisoners, but we never leave the prison, right? That's right, we're going to hide you here in the tunnel.
All right, let's move out.
Come on, fellows, make room for him.
One more in there-- plenty of room.
When he was captured, did they have to quiet him down with a crack on the head or anything like that? I imagine he put up a bit of a struggle, yes.
Something bothering you, Sergeant? Well, it's this escape idea.
Does it make any sense to you? Frankly, I think it's one of the Colonel's more brilliant plans.
Uh-huh You took a couple of good ones in the old noggin yourself, didn't you? I will not have escaped prisoners sabotaging the German war effort.
I will have to call in the Sixth SS Division.
That will not be necessary, Colonel.
My men will capture the prisoners.
Your men are the ones who let them get away in the first place.
Surely you don't think that this escape is my fault? Bah.
But obviously they have been planning it for some time-- right under the nose of Colonel Klink.
But they escaped under yours, so you can't really pin this on anybody's nose except your own! Sergeant! J-j-jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Shall I call the prisoners to attention? No, Sergeant.
I would like you to kick in the door and we'll see what they may be up to.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Didn't you hear the Kommandant?! Kick in the door! Nobody move or I will They're gone, too.
Where are they? They must have escaped.
They couldn't have.
Why not? This seems to be the day for it.
If they have escaped, they cannot be far from here.
So you will organize a search party and go after them.
Yes, sir! But I have already a search party out looking for the men from Barrack Number One.
So organize a second search party.
Yes, Colonel.
If this keeps up, we won't have any men left to guard the prisoners.
If this keeps up, Sergeant, you won't have any prisoners left to guard.
Yes, Colonel.
May I use your office phone, Colonel Krueger? If you think you are going to call the Sixth SS Division to help That's exactly what I think I'll do.
All right now, fellows, Colonel Hogan wants you men to feel free to do anything you feel like doing.
A couple of things you can't do: Uh, no smoking and no moving around.
You know, no unnecessary noises like talk and stuff like that.
Just what can we do? Well, I would suggest you find a nice, comfortable spot and sack out for awhile.
I just left a comfortable spot where I was sacked out.
How long are we going to be stuck in this Black Hole of Calcutta? Only a very short time-- one or two days at the most.
( men grumbling ) Well, how are we fixed for chow? Oh, well, now, you're going to be eating the very best.
You see, our chef here, Corporal LeBeau, has an access to the officers' mess.
So we have a ready supply Not anymore.
They had all the locks changed.
Does that mean there ain't no chow for us? You'll be fed, Corporal.
We don't have a lot of food, but with a little imagination I can make a very nice dinner.
What about breakfast and lunch? I imagine that's what I'll be making it with.
Oh, hey, come on, fellows, just hold it down now.
You want the Germans to catch you? No, I want them to rescue us.
What kind of soldiers are you? You're not thinking of the thousands of lives you can save! You only care about eating and sleeping! Have you forgotten we're fighting a war and why we're fighting it?! Okay, Frenchy, before you break into the "Marseillay.
" "Marseillaise.
" All right, you've made your point.
I guess I can stand to be a caveman for a few days.
That goes for the rest of you guys, too.
NEWKIRK: Hey, come on, move on back down there.
Get closer.
Make room for the fugitives from Barracks Three! ( humming ) Oh, good morning, Colonel Klink.
Good morning, Bruno.
Just came down to check where I start with Fraulein Baermann.
I mean, about my skiing lessons, of course.
That's marvelous.
Oh, Colonel, it's wonderful to see a man who faces death seven days a week and still has a sense of humor.
I guess maybe that is the way all heroes are.
Oh, Bruno, I'm a far cry from being a hero.
I believe the Colonel forgets that little slip of the tongue last night.
"Slip of the tongue," huh? About the three medals personally presented by the Führer himself.
I didn't, did I? Yes, you did.
"Killer Klink.
" Not my nickname, too? Oh, but do not worry, Colonel, I haven't said a word to anyone else.
Your secret is safe with me.
Ah, that's good.
Thank you, Bruno.
Well, I'm here to forget all about the war for awhile.
I'm sick and tired of fighting and bloodshed.
For the next two weeks it's death takes a holiday.
Oh, I meant to tell you, Colonel.
General Burkhalter is very anxious.
He didn't call again, did he? Well, I'm still not in.
The next time he calls, I'm in, but I've just gone out.
But, Colonel, I think you had better No, no, no, no-- I do not want to talk to him.
He's probably found out something about some paperwork I've done wrong and that'll give him a chance to yell at someone for an hour or two.
You know something, Bruno? Fat men are supposed to be jolly.
General Burkhalter is just a nasty old tub of lard.
BRUNO: Colonel And the next time he phones, I'm out.
He didn't call this time.
He didn't? Well, if he didn't, he probably telegraphed, and if he didn't telegraph, he's probably standing right behind me.
( laughs ) Oh! What a wonderful surprise, General Burkhalter.
I knew you were here all the time.
I bet you're ready to blow your lard I mean You know I was only kidding, don't you? Of course you were.
And I want you to know I haven't laughed like this in years.
Yes, sir, as I said before, it's a wonderful surprise.
Are you here for any special reason? Yes, I am, Klink.
Since you were obviously ducking my phone calls, I decided to see you personally.
Ducking your phone calls, sir? Bruno, why didn't you tell me General Burkhalter was Klink! I heard everything you said.
Yes, sir.
Now, you know I was only kidding.
It was all said in very good fun and I hope you took it in the spirit that it was intended to.
After all, I would be the last man to Shut up, Klink.
Yes, sir.
Let us go to your room.
I will do the talking while you do the packing.
Yes, sir, that's fine.
You do the talking Did you say "packing"? That's right, "Killer.
" What you said is absolutely true.
I really am a nasty old tub of lard.
Yes, sir, I know the Sixth Division has been tied up for three days.
Yes, sir, it is a problem.
However, I'm sure you'll agree that no one's really to blame for it That's exactly what I was saying, sir-- no one's really to blame for it but me.
Tell Marshal Goering I said hello.
Klink, this is a private conversation.
I'm sorry, I only wanted to pay my respects.
Yes, sir, you're absolutely right, sir.
It is my problem and I will personally take care of it at once.
Yes, sir, it is as good as done.
Nice talking to you again.
Please give Mrs.
Goering my ( phone disconnects ) Swine.
Is something wrong, sir? Marshall Goering has issued an order that all of the escaped prisoners are to be found by tomorrow morning.
Well, General Burkhalter, do you think it can be done? I don't see how-- but this is your problem, not mine.
My problem? It was your problem a moment ago when you spoke to Field Marshal Goering.
Yes, it was.
But luckily, I'm not talking to Marshal Goering now.
I am talking to Colonel Klink! A man with a very big problem on his hands.
Sorry to barge in on you, Colonel, but this is terribly important.
Hi, General.
I want to ask you, sir-- no, I want to beg you-- not to be too tough on those poor, misguided men.
What men? The 30 escaped prisoners.
It was an obvious case of mass temporary insanity.
You will let them off easy, won't you, sir? You know where they are? No, sir, but once they hear that Colonel Klink's back in charge, naturally they'll turn themselves in.
Why would they do a crazy thing like that? It would be crazy not to.
They know Colonel Klink won't sleep until he catches every last one of them.
And he's awfully mean when he doesn't sleep.
I think you are the one with the temporary insanity, Hogan.
If the entire Sixth Division couldn't find them, how is this, uh Herr Kommandant, it is them.
All the escaped prisoners are back in the barracks.
They got here sooner than I expected, sir.
I hope you'll find it in your heart, sir, to be lenient.
I will, Hogan.
I also hope you find it in your heart, sir, to give us some of the supplies we're running short on.
We'll talk about that some other time.
It's perfectly all right, sir.
I've made out a list.
If you'll just okay it, I'm quite sure Sergeant Schultz can run it over to supply.
Oh, you don't have a pen.
Here Use mine.