In Living Color (1990) s03e26 Episode Script

[Man.]
How many timeshas this happened to you? Okay, Grandma, now I want you to go on.
.
.
and blow out those candles.
[Man.]
Your party's ruined,and you're the laughingstock of the family.
What did I do to deserve this? [Man.]
You forgot to use Krazy Poly-Dente,from the makers of Krazy Glue.
Just a few drops will keep your denturesfirmly in place for the entire day.
Feel safe to takea big bite oflife again.
Yes, Krazy Poly-Dentesolid bond.
.
.
can even keep an 80-year-old womansuspended in midair.
Not even the 350 horsepowerof a Ford Mustang.
.
.
can release the gripon Krazy Poly-Dente.
Ready, Granny? Mmm! And it's yummy too.
Must be tapioca.
[Man.]
Don't have an accident.
Use Krazy Poly-Dente.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go My boy, valedictorian.
- I am so proud of you, Son.
- Mm-hmm.
Go and take those things off, and get ready for your party.
Mama made all your favorite dishes.
The party is just for me this time, right? No one else.
- Just for you.
This is your special night.
Just for you.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
I'll get it, honey.
[Whistles.]
Aaah! Oh! Ah, Cousin Elsee! Um.
.
.
Uh, what the hell.
.
.
I mean, uh, uh, what a pleasant surprise.
You know come hell or high water, I ain't gonna miss one of these baby's graduations.
- Now where is that boy? I can only stay a minute.
- Oh, w-w-wait.
How'd you know we were having a party? We didn't tell anybody.
Oh, I woke up this morning with shooting pains in my kneecaps.
I said to myself, "Somebody's bakin' a ham somewhere.
" Now why don't you come on over here and give your Cousin Elsee a hug.
- Uh.
.
.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's nice.
You're a good boy.
That's good.
That's good.
That's real good.
Cousin Elsee.
.
.
[Groans.]
I think you're getting a little carried away.
Look, why don't you have a seat on the couch.
.
.
and help yourself to whatever's on the table.
- I'll go get Curtis.
- Okay, why don't you.
.
.
get me something to drink while you're up.
I'm thirstier than a scorpion after he ran a marathon.
[Laughs.]
"A scorpion after he ran a marathon!" I'm crazy! They need to lock me up and throw away the key.
Cousin Elsee, what the hell are.
.
.
I, uh.
.
.
So nice of you to drop by.
Hey, I can only stay a minute.
.
.
but why don't you come on over here, and give your Cousin Elsee a hug.
Oh, so sweet and tender.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh! - Cousin Elsee, please! Oh.
Oh.
Let me look at you.
Oh, girl, you done got so skinny.
Look like Olive Oyl O.
D.
'ing on Slim-Fast.
[Laughs.]
"Olive Oyl O.
D.
'ing on Slim-Fast!" I'm crazy! They need to put me in an electric chair and turn on the juice.
Uh, so how have you been, Elsee? Long as I take my blood pressure medication.
.
.
and oil my pacemaker, I'm gonna keep on keepin' on.
You think a little sugar diabetesand cancer.
.
.
are going to stop me? No, sirree.
Not Cousin Elsee.
Uh, listen, Cousin Elsee.
.
.
if you that sick, why don't you go see a doctor? Oh, girl, doctors don't know nothin'! All they want is your money.
I had this doctor tell me that I got a psychological disorder.
Do I look like I got a psychological disorder to you? Get your ass.
.
.
Go ahead, man.
Oh, I think I see the graduation boy.
How are you doing, baby? Cousin Elsee got a present for you.
Close your eyes.
Now what is it in life you want more than anything? - For you to take your hairy, bulletproof-wearing glasses.
.
.
- Curtis! Now close your eyes and open your hand.
Open your hand.
- Oh, a nickel.
- Yeah, that's right, honey.
When I was coming along, a nickel would buy you.
.
.
four pounds of collard greens, three bushels of oatmeal.
.
.
and a peep show.
Now, what do you do to nice Cousin Elsee for giving you a gift? - Look, Cousin Elsee, don't start that.
- Come on, now.
Yo! Get.
.
.
Cousin Elsee! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Elsee, wait a minute.
Hey, hey, hey.
That's enough! Now, that is my son you're humping on.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Now, look, we really appreciate you coming by.
.
.
but now it's time for us to eat, so.
.
.
Oh.
So where can I wash my hands? [Together.]
You're staying for dinner? Oh, you don't have to ask me twice.
Well, look, Cousin Elsee, the pork chops aren't nearly done.
So if you have to go on and leave, we understand.
Oh, child, after you did all that hard work.
.
.
Cousin Elsee ain't going nowhere.
And let me tell you a little story about pork chops.
Now, pork chops can be eaten in all sorts of stages.
Wasn't until the white man invented that oven.
.
.
they made up that lie about the raw pork and worms.
I'm telling you they just wanted to sell ovens, that's what that was all about.
Yeah, well, you know, better safe than sorry.
"Better safe than sorry.
" That sound like a condom ad to me.
[Laughs.]
"A condom ad!" I am a fool on wheels.
! I'm a lunatic.
They need to slice open my head and lobotomize me.
Yeah, well, uh.
.
.
Son, what do you think, uh, you're going to be doing in college next year? Dad, I was thinking about joining the wrestling team.
.
.
but I'm having problems with my takedowns.
Ooh, takedowns.
Did I hear somebody say something about takedowns? Yeah, it's takedowns.
It's a wrestling term.
Yeah, I know what it is.
I used to be the Lennox Avenue Wrestling Champ in '48.
- You big donkey-looking.
.
.
- Oh! - Curtis! Oh, now Cousin Elsee gonna show you how to do a little takedown.
Cousin Elsee, what.
.
.
C-Cousin.
.
.
Damn, Cousin Elsee! Get off me! Hey! Hey, Daddy, Daddy! Get off me! Aaah! Oh, wait.
.
.
Wait a damn minute! Now, come on, Elsee.
Elsee, this is my house.
- Damn! - I won't take that.
- Get your cousin off of my son! - My cousin? I thought she was your cousin! Oh, wait a damn.
.
.
Who the hell are you? - Get outta my damn house! - [All Yelling.]
Hi, I'm Rosie Perez, the choreographer for the Fly Girls.
.
.
and this is my partner, Arthur Rainer.
Tonight, we're going to do something different.
.
.
and present the sensual choreography of Mr.
Alex Magno.
Thank you, Rosa.
I hope you guys like it.
[Soul.]
- [Ends.]
- [Applause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Bronson Pinchot.
.
.
whose character, Balki, has made America and Hollywood a much better place.
Over here, Balki.
! Bronson, Mann's Chinese Theatre is happy and proud.
.
.
to immortalize you in cement.
Thank you, Johnny.
Thank you very much.
What's up like that? - Howard Tibbs III.
- Yeah, and my name's Clavell.
And we are Funky Finger Productions.
Bringin' you a day in the life of Funky Finger, Hollywood-"sty-rle.
" Hey! What the hell are you guys doin' in here? - Get out of here! - You ain't gotta be pushin' me, man.
Don't he look like a bespeckled Pillsbury Doughboy? Fake kangaroo-ass.
- There's my limo, man! - Yeah, let's get on this bad boy.
Man, this is what I call a stretch limo.
Room for 50, man.
Hey, yo, Jeeves, is the bar in the back? Put in your fare or get off the bus.
Man, I will hang my stocking.
.
.
Hey! Whoa! Hey! Now, this is where we go to procure the duckets.
You know, to finance this evening's butt-naked festivities.
And you know.
.
.
That's right.
It's about the money.
We are preferred customers in this joint.
- Look out! - Check it out! Say, say, say.
.
.
Hey! Clavy, Clavy.
Come on, now! Come on, Clavy! It told you suckers, stay outta here.
[Gunshots.]
Hey, hold up, man.
Homeboy is trippin'.
- On the strength.
- He must've woke up on the wrong side of the crib.
- Ya know! - Hey, speakin' of cribs.
.
.
what about that big Hollywood schmooze gig we about to go to? [Laughs.]
Where all the stars gonna be hangin' tonight, home-bucket.
Come on.
Let's skedaddle.
Party time! - Man, this party is dead.
- Ain't nothin' but a bunch of stiffs, man.
Come on, y'all.
Let's bring this party to life.
Hey, what's up, Arsenio.
.
.
Now, wait a minute, man.
This is not anatomically correct.
Can't be.
You gonna have to staple a pumpkin to your ass.
- There's Sammy.
- Hey, don't I look like him sometimes? Man, only on tax day.
Now, ain't that a"coinkydink"? Yo, Elvis, man, do me a favor and tell these people that you're dead.
- Come on, man.
- Let us move on, man.
I'm lookin' for Al Green in here.
Kenny, on the for real tip, you mean they liposucked fat right outta the booty? Diana, girl, the only real hair on your head is your eyebrows.
Let's go and skedaddle.
Y'all ain't even played B.
T.
Express yet.
Now, finally, here we are at the Funky Finger Producciones facilités.
Right smack-dab in the middle of Hollywood.
Now, dig, this is where we tape all our shows and films.
Now, tonight we're doin' a Funky Finger movie of the week.
- It's remake of The Miracle Worker.
- But here's the kicker.
It's a musicale.
- Look at yourself, man.
- I'm sorry.
All right.
Here we go.
Let me put my glasses on.
Cock the skimmer.
You know, I'm still a pretty.
.
.
[Garbled.]
- Let's do this.
- Here we go.
Take number one of.
.
.
What's the name of this? - I Believe In Miracles.
- All right.
The musicale.
One, two, you know what to do! - I believe in miracles - [Imitating Guitar.]
Where you at You sexy thing I believe in miracles Where you at You sexy thing I believe in miracles Hey, hey, Clavy.
It will lock up, man.
All right.
Let's try that again.
Where you at Where you at Where's my hat Where you at Well, lookee here.
Hey, fine brown.
Let me ask you somethin', big legs.
Are you related to Pam Grier? 'Cause you certainly have that star qualité.
.
.
that we need in our newest film project.
.
.
Basic In-Stank.
- Do you get it? - So you boys lookin' for a little talent, are ya? Clavy, tell her we're on the up-and-up.
Show her one of our business cards.
Oh, bet ya, by golly.
Wow.
Now, let me see here.
.
.
I think l.
.
.
- You know, I'm fresh out.
Howard.
.
.
- Bam! Now look here.
Pay no attention to all that.
That's just my cable bill.
But you can kick in and pay for that.
We are gonna be partners now.
I don't think you boys understand.
I don't perform for free.
- Clavy, what ya holdin'? - Well, how about this five spot? Will that entice you? - Bam! - Damn skippy! Oh, man, that's a new type of free.
Mm-mmm.
L.
A.
P.
D.
, boys.
You goin' downtown.
What? You ain't no real roller.
This isn't quite the ending we planned.
Well, look here, Howard.
Think on the bright side, man.
This would be a perfect locale for our new film.
.
.
- Penitentiary VI, man.
- All right.
Let's move along.
Hey, look here.
Get Leon Isaac on the phone.
He always pay a fool.
[Hip-Hop.]
[Ends.]
- Gee, Wes, I'm so glad you let me be in your movie.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, sir.
You are going to have to leave.
- This is a closed set.
- Hey, it's-it's all right.
Look.
.
.
How would you like to be in all the action? Every scene.
A guy called in sick.
I need a stunt double.
How'd you like the job? Wow! Would I! My big break.
Wes, you're the greatest! Don't ever kiss me again.
What kind of guy would I be if I didn't look out for all the little people.
.
.
- that stood next me all these years, huh? - Right.
- Excuse me, Wes, but we're ready for the fight scene.
- Sure.
All right, people! Places! Bucking Broncos with Wes Rawls.
Scene three, take one.
And.
.
.
action! That badge don't scare me.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Well, how about this? Cut.
!Stunt double.
Wow! I get to punch the bad guy! Action.
This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
Cut.
!Oh, you were beautiful.
! - Thanks.
.
.
- Thanks so much, Wes.
Marty.
Marty, I'm sorry.
I just didn't feel it that time.
- I felt it.
- My concentration was off.
My motivation.
.
.
- I have to do another.
- Whatever Wes wants, Wes gets.
Okay? Let's do it again, people.
Back to the top! And.
.
.
action! This town ain't.
.
.
Ooh! Cut! Check the gate! - [Groans.]
- That was good for me.
Oh, I'm sorry, Wes.
We got a hair in the gate.
- Can we, please, have one more? - Again? - Sure.
- You are a peach.
A true professional.
Back to the top, people.
One more time.
And.
.
.
Holding, please.
Let's stay sharp.
There we go.
And.
.
.
action! Cut.
! So you think you're tough, huh? Ever ride a bull? I bet he ain't ever even seen one afore.
[Indistinct.]
Just long enough to know when I'm talking to one's droppings.
All right, cowboy.
Let's see how tough you are after you ride Red Lightning here.
Cut.
!Stunt double.
Oh, heck, no.
I'm not riding that thing.
Look, I never use it, but, um, I like to know it's there.
Hey, what kind of big brother would I be.
.
.
to let my baby brother do something this dangerous.
You're sitting this one out.
I'm handling this.
Hey, thanks, Wes.
Hey, little brother, how'd you like to do a love scene now? - Wow! Would I! - Well, you even get to go first this time.
All right.
Places, people.
And.
.
.
action.
Why, if you ain't the prettiest girl.
.
.
I've ever.
.
.
seen before.
What's that? Lipstick on your collar? I'll teach you to cheat on me, you low-down, dirty snake.
No, no! Not.
.
.
- I'm sorry! - You jealous little hellcat, you.
I see that fire's still burning hot.
Let's see if we can make it burn hotter.
And.
.
.
cut.
People, that's a wrap.
Wes, always good seeing you.
The incomparable Wes Rawls, everybody.
- Thanks again, man.
- Thank you.
Wow, Wes.
That was tougher than I thought.
- Hey, but you did a good job.
- Yeah? So good I'm thinking about putting you in my next movie.
- Wow.
What's it called? - It's called Beef Behind Bars.
- Prison film.
- Cool! Yeah, I play a character named Fresh Meat.
- You'd do a nude scene wouldn't you? - Absolutely.
- Good.
You like showers? - Yeah, I could use one right now.
[Laughs.]
Lots of husky men? Come on.
I'll tell you more about it later.
Straight off his new single and rollin' with special guests.
.
.
and Flavor Flav from P.
E.
.
.
please welcome Heavy D.
And the Boyz performing their new single.
.
.
"You Can't See What I Can See.
" [Vocalizing.]
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]