Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e27 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) Do you know the place, Colonel? It's an old abandoned mine a little over a mile from here, isn't it? That's it.
Hasn't been used in years.
Ten days ago, a construction team started working on it.
They put in a heavy steel door, even built a sentry box.
Mm-hmm, with camouflage.
Mm-hmm.
Do you mind? Uh, sorry, sir.
An abandoned mine in the middle of nowhere-- why? They have been fostered very carefully.
This could mean something permanent.
What do you think, sir? I think you're breathing on my eagles.
I mean, any ideas, sir? No, but you have.
Do you think you could watch this for us? We will do the best we can.
All right, let us know if the Krauts make a move.
LeBeau? Yes, sir.
You and Newkirk take Lisa out through the emergency tunnel.
Oui, Colonel.
Good luck.
Thank you, Colonel.
Uh, Newkirk.
Uh, yes, sir.
Ease off, will you? I can't help it, sir.
I'm in love.
You just met her an hour ago.
Suppose she'd been a middle-aged, frumpy hausfrau.
Well, that would've taken an extra 15 minutes.
We've got to end this war quick.
You're a menace.
Yes, sir.
Hello, a parade.
Did you see that, Colonel? Klink seems surprised.
He doesn't get much drop-in business, especially with generals.
I'll see what I can find out from Schultz.
Hold it! Let's go about this the businesslike way.
They go into their office; we go into ours.
After you, gentlemen.
That will be all, Frau Helga.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
To the Fuhrer.
( clicks heels ) Ah, very good schnapps, Colonel.
Oh, yes, sir, excellent.
And may I say, sir, it is indeed an unexpected pleasure to have you here.
Danke, danke.
Now, before we proceed, I must be sure about your security arrangements.
General Metzger, I'm happy to say that this is the most secure of stalag in all of Germany.
You are as safe here as you would be in Berchtesgaden itself.
It's safe, or we can't send him to the Russian front, right? OTHERS: Right.
And it is absolutely top secret, by the Fuhrer's orders.
The Fuhrer! Would you care for another schnapps? Nein.
No, no.
Oh, secrets can be so exciting.
Our beloved commandant is a nut case.
It's embarrassing.
I may put in for a transfer.
I have been ordered to see that supplies of arms and ammunition are hidden in strategic areas all over Germany.
What? Hidden? The first location is an abandoned mine about a mile and a half from Stalag 13.
It is being converted for that purpose.
Well, sir, I must say the Fuhrer is certainly full of surprises.
Very intelligent surprises.
Yes, sir, very intelligent surprises.
Now, that first load of weapons is in that truck out there.
I will personally supervise their storage when the mine is ready.
General Metzger, if I can be of any assistance I want a 24-hour guard posted at that mine, the men to be drawn from your command.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Stalag 13 is under strain.
I am acting for the Fuhrer.
Is "impossible" what you really want to say? Yes, sir, it is impossible to say no to him.
That was just a little joke.
Indeed, yes.
The guard will be posted.
Very good.
Sir, let me ask you one thing.
Hiding guns all over the country-- could that mean we are possibly in a little bit of trouble? Trouble? Do you mean is the war going against us? You said it; I didn't.
Merely a precaution.
You understand why this must be kept secret.
If it got out, it would have a serious effect upon morale.
Not mine, sir.
Nothing can shake my confidence in the ultimate victory of the Third Reich.
You wouldn't care for another schnapps? Just a teeny one? A truckload of guns and ammunition.
If they have any detonator caps, we're running short.
Hiding guns around the country-- that's a loser's trick, and they figure themselves winners.
Doesn't make sense.
Doesn't add up.
Orders from scrambled-brains Hitler.
Yeah, that's what the Kraut general said.
Generals don't handle jobs like this.
A major or a colonel maybe, but not the guys with the fruit salad.
They're either at the Russian front or in Berlin hiding out at cocktail parties.
Could Metzger be lying? I don't know, but I'm going to find out.
Kinch, get on the radio to London.
Find out what dope they have on him.
Right away, Colonel.
Sir, why would he tell Klink that Hold it right there.
Why would he tell Klink anything? If you had a big secret, would you confide in a man who wears a monocle to bed every night? Hi, Kinch.
Just coming to see you.
Likewise-- the answer from London on Metzger.
They sure keep tabs on those guys.
"Early Party member, "limited combat experience, "second in command, German occupation forces France, "headquarters in Paris.
"Not seen three weeks this date.
Thought to be on leave or reassigned.
" Yeah, Hitler must have recalled him for this job.
Maybe.
When you have a secret project going, you don't attract attention by moving generals around.
Colonel, we know they fixed up the mine.
We heard Metzger give Klink the rundown.
I mean, you're a little hung up on this thing, aren't you? I can't help it, Kinch.
My instinct tells me not to buy it.
Well, just what will your instinct buy? A look inside that truck.
Come on, mach schnell.
Oh, take it easy, Schultz.
We're not going any place.
I am-- to bed as soon as possible.
There was a big party in the sergeants' mess.
Oh ( groaning ) I ate too much.
Maybe you got apple-strudel hangover.
A jolly joke.
Hey, how do you expect us to clean if you're going to sit there? Clean around me.
Are you kidding? A detour like that could take all day.
Another jolly joke.
( exhales ) ( snores ) Schultz? ( snores ) Schultz? Hey, what what's going on? Oh, I'm mopping up the water from the wall.
Yeah, there must be a hole in the roof.
The water's draining down behind the wall.
Yeah, from the snow when it melts.
How come I didn't see it? You were too busy sleeping.
You better report it, Schultz.
Please don't tell me what to do.
I don't tell you how to be a prisoner of war.
We'd be glad to have any suggestions.
Sure, as long as they're constructive.
Shut up and go back to work.
BOTH: I think that's constructive.
( knock at door ) Come in, come in.
Sergeant Carter, sir.
Can we start the job now? What job? Stop pushing, Louis.
I mean, the hammering won't bother you? What job?! Fixing the hole in your roof.
You got a bad leak up there.
Didn't Sergeant Schultz report it? I gave no such orders.
He doesn't want it fixed.
Start pulling, Louis.
Wait! Wait! I didn't say that.
Stop pulling, Louis.
He changed his mind.
Wait! Wait! You may proceed.
Proceed.
Stop pushing, Louis.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Yes, sir.
Get right on it, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, sir.
Yes, sir.
What I have to put up with for you.
Hi, Schultz.
Hi.
Hiya, Schultzy.
Hi.
Hi.
What?! What?! What?! What?! What is this?! We're fixing the roof.
Yeah, it's Commandant's orders.
We had to go over your head for permission.
Yeah, you were asleep.
Why didn't you wake me up and ask me? Maybe next time.
If there is a next time.
Is it a promise? Sure.
Why not? All right, go ahead.
( moaning, yelling ) Help! Help! LeBeau fell off the roof! Help! Help! ( LeBeau moaning ) HOGAN: What happened? What happened? ( moaning ) He fell down from all the way up there.
It's his ankle.
I think I'm going to faint.
Yes, I will faint.
You better get a stretcher quick, Schultz.
J-J-J-Jawohl.
Not you! You stay there at the post, Dummkopf! We better get him off the ground, Colonel.
He may be in shock.
Good idea.
Halt! Verboten! An emergency.
Verstehen Sie? Emergency.
Yeah, emergency-- schnell.
All right, get him up in there.
All right, make it fast.
Watch it.
No.
( slowly ): Emergency, Herr Colonel? Yeah, emergency.
See how fast they learn.
Alles in Ordnung, Fritz, now get lost.
Okay, move.
Cover him.
Let's go.
How is he? Uh, sleeping.
Uh, sleeping.
Verstehen? Sleeping.
It's the best thing in the world for him.
Why are we knocking our brains out? All he understands is "emergency.
" Ja! E-mer-gen-cy.
Gency, yeah.
Hey, Dummkopf! I told you to stand on guard.
Go back to your post! Where's the cockroach? The colonel took him back to the barracks, Schultz.
Afraid he'd catch cold.
Yeah, you'd better get over there.
Oh, ja.
I didn't know it was going to be formal.
Just lie down and be quiet.
Right.
How is he? Oh, hi, Schultz.
I just bandaged his ankle.
He'll be all right.
( moaning ) Maybe we'd better take him to the hospital.
No, no, no, no, no, Schultz.
Just let him rest.
Louis! Wrong foot.
( moaning ) Ooh, he sounds terrible.
Yeah.
Oh, close one, huh, Schultz? It's my responsibility.
If anything happens, I could be in big trouble.
But he's fine.
Yeah, he's fine now.
Where you looking? Over there.
Oh.
( stammering ) Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan, I watched The Frenchman was And you were It's fairly possible he's about to lay an egg.
You better have a cup of coffee first, Schultz.
B-B-But Not guns and ammunition, mon colonel.
That truck is loaded with art.
You're jo Art? Yes, art-- paintings, tapestries, silver, gold.
Voilà.
Snuff box? Solid gold, mon colonel.
See the inscription? "Presented to Le Duc "by His Royal Highness Prince of Amalfi.
Paris, 1749.
" That's worth thousands.
Museum piece, huh? Right.
Here's our proof.
Ivory so old it's yellow.
Got to be 200 years.
See what it says: "The collection of Countess de Malmont.
" Stolen from a museum.
Those animals! Now it adds up.
Metzger's stationed in France.
In his spare time he's collected these goodies.
Collected with a gun.
Right.
And when he's got a million bucks' worth, he brings them back to Germany.
Something to nibble on after the war, win, lose or draw.
Why the snow job about guns and ammunition? Yeah.
He's a general.
Only the big boys can steal openly-- Hitler, Goering, Himmler.
Metzger's on the second team; he's got to hide his loot, otherwise they get jealous, and jealousy leads to firing squads.
We must take it away from them.
General Metzger isn't going to like that.
Somebody's going to get hurt.
Like us.
Those are the national treasures of France.
They can't steal them, I won't allow it! He won't allow it.
You're coming unstuck, mate.
You wouldn't talk like this if the Krauts were stealing from England.
Or America! All right, all right.
Hold it.
Kinch, get on the radio to the underground.
The girl, Lisa, knows the mine area.
We'll need at least two men that the Krauts have never seen.
Right.
I still say this job's a bit out of our line.
Yeah, it sure is.
Do I have to repeat the orders that were given to us when this happy little band of wandering minstrels was formed? Sir, all I'm trying to HOGAN: Okay, I will.
Quote: "You'll assist escaping prisoners, "cooperate with all friendly forces, "and use every means to harass and injure the enemy.
" Unquote.
Does that mean saving gold snuff boxes? It does.
And 200-year-old ivory fans.
If the Krauts learn they just can't take things, that's injuring them in my book.
Vive le Colonel.
Vive le Colonel.
LeBeau? Yes, sir.
Shut up.
We figure Metzger will take off in his car for Berlin as soon as they've finished unloading at the mine.
The empty truck will go on its own.
Take this road right here.
Karl, you and Walter have got to stop the truck right there.
Now, there's a guard and a driver, Colonel.
Yeah, a problem.
All right, Karl, you'll be an officer.
A captain.
Walter will be a private.
You take the truck and you order the driver and the guard back to their base.
I'll need measurements for the uniforms, sir.
Right.
Now, London has agreed to give us a fake commando raid.
They're going to drop dummies in the area right about here.
That should keep the sentries busy.
Carter? Yes, sir.
We're going to need some demolition packs to blast open that mine and some smoke bombs.
Yes, sir.
I can give you impact, or delayed action, or a mixture of both.
Now, personally, I prefer Just smoke bombs, Carter.
Yes, sir.
I'll fix up a very nice assortment.
Now let's go from the top.
Karl, you and Walter will bring the truck back to the mine.
You order the sentry into the woods.
We blast open the door and we load that art collection back on the truck.
Then you two take off for Amsterdam.
London has given us the address of a safe house.
That means crossing the border.
And check points on the way.
You'll be in uniform in a truck assigned to General Metzger.
Kinch? I need some orders for them signed by the general.
Also some army paybooks, requisition forms-- the complete works.
Got you.
Kinch does good work.
The papers will get you through.
Now, is it all clear? Any questions? Oui, Colonel.
What's the plan in case something goes wrong? Start running.
And don't look back-- something may be gaining on us.
They're just leaving.
Okay, let's go.
Right on the button.
So far we're in business.
All right, Carter, take off.
Start the smoke and get back to the mine fast.
On my way.
Let's go.
( phone ringing ) Klink speaking.
What? Commandos? At this hour? Yes! All available men on a green alert.
No, never mind, make that a red alert.
( truck approaching ) Halt! Who goes there? Captain Weber.
Any sign of commandos? Commandos? Uh, no, Herr Kapitan.
No, no, no, no commandos.
All right.
Fall in.
Follow me.
Wait a minute, sir.
But I have orders to stay on guard here.
Besides, there might be some shooting going on.
I'm not interested in your orders, Sergeant.
We need every man we can get.
Yeah, but the general I said fall in! I'm falling, I'm falling.
( siren begins wailing ) After them! After them! ( dogs barking ) ( explosion ) Schnell, schnell! "Schnell, schnell.
" Over there.
Fire.
( gunfire ) Aah! WEBER: Return the fire! Jawohl! Shoot those trees.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Keep firing, Sergeant! ( gunfire ) Easy, Carter.
Wow, is she pretty.
She's more than that.
Get it on the truck.
Let's go.
Is that it? Yeah.
( gunfire continues ) We're all set, sir.
All right, good.
Karl, Walter, good luck.
Au revoir, Lisa.
Be careful, darling.
Married? Afraid so, old chap.
I don't think I can go on with this war.
Oh, come on, Newkirk.
Give us another chance.
Please? Now, I want answers, I shall have answers.
Why did you leave your post? Herr Kommandant, an officer came along and ordered me to attack the enemy.
But you had orders from me.
But he was an officer.
Dummkopf, so am I.
Congratulations, sir.
Silence-- I'll deal with you later.
Now, Schultz, put yourself on report.
Dismissed, Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
General Metzger has just passed the outer gate.
Oh, no.
I guess I'll be running along, Colonel.
You two probably have a lot to talk about.
Hogan.
This is the end of a brilliant military career.
Anybody we know, sir? Not only a career, but my life.
Hmm.
My choice is very simple: the firing squad or the hangman's noose.
How could a nice Nazi general do a thing like that? Hogan, you don't seem to understand.
I was responsible for a secret ammunition dump.
It's been stolen.
Toughest commandant in all of Germany guarding ammunition? That's ridiculous.
I'll remember that when they put on the blindfold.
Stand up to him, Colonel.
After all, you're not a lackey for every desk general that comes along.
At Berchtesgaden they still refer to you as the "Bald Eagle of Stalag 13.
" The "Iron Eagle.
" I'm sorry.
I say tell him off.
Hogan, maybe you're right.
After all, what have you got to lose? You can always fall back on the firing squad.
Klink, I have just come from that mine.
It is empty.
Empty! General Metzger, I assure you this was an accident of war.
You are going to be an accident of war, and without a trial, Dummkopf! Tell him off.
Sir may I remind you that you are talking to the Bald Eagle of Stalag 13? "Iron Eagle.
" Iron Eagle! Klink, I want every box and every crate returned to that mine in Sir.
I assure you it was the commandos.
I ( groans ) I want action.
I want it now.
If I don't Hold it, General.
Easy, Colonel, don't lose your temper.
Lose his temper? I know him-- this is just the lull before the storm.
Hogan, what are you Easy, Colonel, so far you've shown great restraint.
We're very lucky.
I will have his head on a plate! Don't push him too far.
Hogan There's no telling what he'll do next.
Just before you came, he was going to call the Fuhrer and make a formal complaint.
I was? General, you're the senior officer.
Maybe you'd rather call the Fuhrer and tell him about the stolen ammunition.
It, uh was ammunition, wasn't it? There is no need to disturb the Fuhrer about a commando raid.
I will settle this in my own way.
My compliments, sir.
You handled him beautifully.
I did? Yes, I did.
No desk general will ever threaten me.
If this gets around, even the prisoners will be proud of you.
You know, Hogan, there are times when a man has to be strong.
I think I will call the Fuhrer and make a formal complaint.
Oh, better think it over, sir.
Remember your temper.
Hogan? Ah, General.
Pleasant surprise.
Hogan, um about that commando raid.
I saw those dummies that were dropped.
Dummies? Really? What won't they think of next? That's a good way to fight a war-- nobody gets hurt.
Now, tell me, Hogan.
Do you have any idea of where I might find that, uh, ammunition? Yeah.
In a museum, after the war.
I'm going to order a thorough investigation of this matter, Hogan.
I don't think you will, General.
Oh, really? And what makes you so sure? When you steal from a thief, one sure thing: He'll never call the cops.
Good night, General.