In Living Color (1990) s03e27 Episode Script

Well, now that the F.
D.
A.
Has banned silicone breast implants.
.
.
I better call the doctor and have them removed.
[Man.]
Wait.
! Stop what you're doing.
Why? These are no good for me.
[Man Chuckles.]
That's what you think.
But did you know you could bethrowing away hours of fun? But I can't keep these.
Silicone isn't safe.
No, not silicone.
.
.
SillyCone.
Yes, like Silly Putty, SillyCone isthe breast you can play with.
Take it on thejob to relieve stress.
Copy your favorite comic strip.
- [Chattering.]
- They're great fun at birthday parties.
You can even make them do tricks.
SillyCone comes in three sizes:Bouncy, meaty and grandma.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color Let's take a trip and sip on a dream Glide with the guide on a funky scene Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go - [Screaming.]
- [Shouting, Indistinct.]
Hey! How you doin'? Who would've ever thought that Miss Benita'd turn out to be.
.
.
the delegate representin' the Hopkins Projects? [Giggles.]
Course, I always been one to better myself.
Mm-hmm.
Honey, when them other heifers were out runnin' numbers and eatin' Scooter Pies.
.
.
Miss Benita was out registerin' voters for the Rainbow Coalition.
That's right.
Honey, I dropped out of grade school so I could earn some money for college.
Oh! Oh, lookie there! There go Paul Tsongas! There go Paul Tsongas! Oh, he's a fine man, fine man.
Honey, overcoming that dreadful disease to run for office.
.
.
Oh, boy.
And he was in the hospital with all them operations.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
Surgeons removed everything but the ugly.
What Mr.
Tsongas really needs is a "face-ectomy.
" The man's so ugly, when he was born.
.
.
the doctors almost circumcised the wrong end.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
No, you.
.
.
[Gasps.]
Oh, look at this! Bill Clinton! Hey, Bill! Hey, Bill, I know you hear me.
Bill! Oh, you know, honey, all that dirt on Bill Clinton.
.
.
you know, the extramarital affair, theJesseJackson thing? None of that mean he can't be a good president.
Mm-hmm.
Honey, you talk about Bill Clinton, you ask Miss Benita.
.
.
and Miss Benita says, "Now there goes a good candidate.
" [Chuckles.]
Candidate for penicillin.
Honey, that man done seen more drawers than a panty shield.
That's the first man I know to discover Victoria's secret.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
No, you haven't.
Course, as much as I love my Democrats.
.
.
they gonna have some stiff competition from the Republicans this year.
.
.
Mm-hmm.
Especially with that Pat Buchanan up for office.
You know Pat Buchanan, the man who used to have that show Crossfire? Oh, yeah.
Honey, I loves me some Crossfire.
I watch that show every night.
[Laughing.]
I just wish he'd get that cross fire off my front lawn.
Honey, that man ain't nothin' but David Duke without the tummy tuck.
You put that cracker in office, and come Christmas.
.
.
there's gonna be a lot more than tinsel hanging off the White House tree.
I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
No, you haven't.
Course, as many competitors as they have.
.
.
it's gonna be hard for anybody to get into office now.
.
.
because of the fine job that Mr.
George Herbert Walker Bush is doin'.
That's right, honey.
Him and Barbara Bush, the first lady.
First grandlady is more like it.
Now, I knew Bush was tight with Uncle Sam.
.
.
but he didn't have to up and marry him.
Honey, the only thing in worse shape than this economy is her booty.
That butt hangs so low it sweeps up after itself.
And that Vice President Quayle.
.
.
that Vice President Quayle is so dumb.
.
.
he need a tutor to read Bush's lips.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
No, you haven't.
Mm, mm, mm.
That's right, honey.
Come November.
.
.
ain't no doubt who Miss Benita's gonna vote for.
That's right, honey.
Miss Benita gonna write in a vote for Miss Jenkins, honey.
'Cause Miss Jenkins is like a mama to me, honey.
I loves me some Miss Jenkins.
[Gasps.]
Don't nobody better say nothing bad about Miss Jenkins, honey.
Nobody.
.
.
That's right.
Miss Jenkins gonna put some excitement back in the White House.
Just don't let her use the bathroom in the Oval Office.
Woman'll stink it up so bad they'll put that wall back up in Germany.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
Oh, look! There goes Gary Hart! Gary! Gary! Gary! Hey! I'm Crazy Tom down here at Crazy Tom's Appliances.
You in the market for a stereo, VCR or big-screen TV? Well, what ya waitin' on? Come on down here and make yourself a deal.
.
.
before my medication wears off.
[Gasps.]
Uh, yeah.
Uh, yeah.
I'm on medication.
Take a look at this here.
A Hitachi 45-inch big-screen TV.
.
.
complete with remote control and Dolby speakers.
Now, what do you think something like this go for? $5,000? Nope.
A thousand dollars? Uh-uh.
Try, uh, $1.
50.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, yeah.
How can we do it? I just told you.
I'm crazy! So come on down and meet some of my crazy salespeople.
Tell 'em what we got, Lennie.
We have these beautifulJ.
V.
C.
Amplifiers on sale today.
.
.
meat pie.
So you might want to come down because I can give you one heck of a.
.
.
rabbit.
.
.
deal.
So be sure to ask for me, Lennie.
Hope to see ya! Cock-a-doodie.
Oh, man! Man, we even take trade-ins.
- We'll take anything! - Hey, will you take this bottle? Sure! Grab yourself a VCR.
He made.
.
.
He made himself a good deal.
Now let me introduce you to our lovely cashier.
Go ahead.
Tell 'em how many stereos we've sold this week.
Oh! 3:00,Judge Wapner's on.
Doug Luellen, Doug Luellen, Doug Luellen.
Right.
Thank you, Rain Woman.
Hey, man.
You got no money, pay me later.
We've been serving the community since 19.
.
.
last Friday.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, yeah.
You know, people always come up to me.
They say, "Crazy Tom?" I say, " What?" They say, " How can you sell all that high-quality merchandise.
.
.
at such a low, low price and still make a profit?" I don't! I'm crazy! [Man.]
Crazy Tom's Going Out of My Mind Sale.
.
.
Open seven days a week,midnight to 6:00 a.
m.
Crazy Tom's.
.
.
We're slashing prices.
! [Hip-hop.]
Uh, hello.
My name is LaShawn, and I will be your tour guide.
.
.
for the Native American art exhibit.
The rules are as follows.
Pay attention 'cause I only say things once.
So don't be talking while I'm talking, or better yet, just don't say nothing.
Now, we will get started as soon as the rest of us get here.
Oh, l.
.
.
I'm so sorry.
I was just admiring that beautiful piece of work back there.
- Did you realize that the Cherokee Indians never.
.
.
- Uh-huh.
Look, I'm sure you came here with a wealth of information to share with us today.
.
.
but, uh, if you don't mind, your trip to Little Big Horn is not on my schedule.
Uh, can we move right along? Uh, this was done in 1894 by the artist Running Feather.
You know, actually, I'm well acquainted with her work.
- She didn't pick up a paintbrush until she was 57 years old.
- My goodness.
Oh, I could be wrong, but last time I checked.
.
.
I was working alone.
Uh, now if you feel that you can enrichthe lives of this tour group so much.
.
.
you could just go back downstairs and fill out an application.
Okay, can we please move on? Whoa! What's this? Are you blind? That's a bow and arrow.
Uh.
.
.
Uh, excuse me! Did you see a sign that said you could take some pictures? - Well, I was just taking.
.
.
- Just answer the question.
I was just taking pictures for my wife.
Me and my wife, we met at a museum.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Oh, that is beautiful and romantic.
I'm sure that Chuck Woolery would be very touched to hear your story.
.
.
but since we don't care about you or your wife.
.
.
do you care to join us on the tour? - [Shouting.]
- You don't come in here with that.
Does this look like your home? Do you see rats and roaches and an eviction sign somewhere? I didn't think so.
Come in here like Buffy and Jody out of the projects.
There you go.
I'm so sorry.
They're usually very well behaved children.
Just a little mischievous.
.
.
- like their mom! - Mm-hmm.
Uh, well, that is so heartwarming.
.
.
it makes me want to get pregnant and go through nine hours of labor.
.
.
just so I can know what you talkin' about.
But, um, if your little angels areso well behaved.
.
.
why come they runnin' round here like they at a special at Kmart or something? Oh, my God.
Come on, children.
Let's get out of here.
I don't want you around somebody with such a funky attitude.
Oh, no, 'cause I will snatch you and your kids! Hey! Can.
.
.
Can we get on with this? Excuse me, but for your information, my name is not "Hey.
" If you can read, the name tag says "LaShawn.
" If you have a problem with that, see my supervisor.
And if you lookin' for some hay, I suggest you go check the stable.
Look at this artwork.
The texture is just so lifelike.
Wow.
It's amazing how they make this in such detail.
And just what are you doing? Oh, I'm just trying to get a better feel of the texture.
- This is an incredible piece of work.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Well, that's cool and everything.
I'm sure scientists from all over the world are just dyin' to come over here.
.
.
and do research on your incredible sense of touch.
But, um, as far as our policy goes here.
.
.
Uh.
.
.
" Nice to look at, nice to hold.
If you break it, consider it sold.
" Now, on the next part of the tour.
.
.
you're gonna be seein' some Hopi Native American art.
.
.
um, basic pottery, everyday hunting tools, religious artifacts.
.
.
- all from sacred burial grounds approximately 400 years old.
- Wow! - Great.
I can't wait to see that.
- Me neither.
Mm-hmm.
Well, you gonna have to, 'cause it's time for my lunch break.
Uh, if you care to wait, I'll be back in 35 minutes.
.
.
and if not, have a nice day.
[Hip-hop.]
How is it going, Dr.
Ito? Wonderful.
Another few days collecting data.
.
.
and we'll have the cure for cancer.
Something's showing up on the radar.
Looks like it's right outside the ship.
Viewing screen! Hey! Think you could let me in? Air's startin' to get a little thin out here.
Danger! Danger! Dr.
Smith, Dr.
Smith! Oh, my God! Open up the space pad.
[Beeps.]
Hi! Howdy, folks! Fire Marshal Bill here.
Ya know, you antigravity geeks are due for a little safety investigation.
- Well, uh, let me be the first to welcome you aboard.
- Thank you, son.
That's a nice mustache you got there.
Had one like it myself.
Then one day I put my cigar in backwards and.
.
.
Boom! My lip went up like a tinderbox.
- But I don't smoke.
- None of us do.
And I'm sure you'll find that our ship is.
.
.
the safest outpost in the galaxy.
That's what they said when I inspected the Titanic, but I showed 'em different.
Unsinkable, my good eye! - [Bubbling.]
- Uh-oh.
What's goin' on over here, Princess Leia? It is a refrigeration experiment.
We're freezing this produce with liquid nitrogen.
Well, that's fine and dandy, but remember.
.
.
in space, no one can hear ya scream.
Let me tell ya somethin'! Let's just say you're gettin' ready to freeze some veggies.
.
.
and you mistake your hand for a stalk of celery.
- [Sizzling.]
- La, la-la la-la, la La, la-la, la-la Mother of God Then you go to hang your autographed picture of Chewbacca.
.
.
and the next thing you know.
.
.
The Iceman Cometh.
! [Laughing.]
[Smacking Lips.]
Gee, that demonstration left me a little parched.
[Ito.]
Don't drink that! That jar contains aliens! So that's how they're gettin' over the border.
Hey, you! Come on out and show me your green card! Oh, my God! One of them is missing! [Panting.]
Hmm.
I wonder where it could be.
[Screaming.]
Hi! Howdy, folks! [Laughs.]
Don't touch him! He's got my eyes! - Are you all right? - Are ya joking? I've had more parasites livin' off me than Eddie Murphy.
[Snickering.]
Alert! Alert! There's an alien roaming free on board! Speakin' of roaming free.
.
.
how come these seats don't have safety belts? We don't need 'em.
This ship is perfectly safe.
I beg to differ, Buck Rogers! What if one of your fellow astronauts is a frustrated soprano? He's in the shower.
He breaks into a high note from Figaro.
[High Note.]
[Shouting.]
Hit the panel seal! - Hit the panel seal! - [Ito.]
I got it! We've lost Dr.
Jones! But we've learned a valuable lesson.
Buckle up for safety! Well, burn my bridgework.
Is that a self-destruct sequencer? When was the last time you had that baby tested? Please don't touch that.
You know, a gadget like that can be handy.
.
.
but it can also lead to a very unpleasant total.
.
.
demise! Let's just say you're sleepwalking one night.
.
.
and you're dreaming Darth Vader just told ya he's your father.
Naturally, you're completely suicidal.
.
.
and you program the computer to start the final countdown like so.
Oops.
[Male Electronic Voice #1.]
The station will self-destruct in 20 seconds.
- Nineteen, 18.
.
.
- You idiot! - Everyone, into the shuttle! - 17, 16.
.
.
[Male Electronic Voice #2.]
Please remain calm.
He is a fire marshal.
Thank you, HAL.
Ya see, HAL knows.
.
.
that all I have to do is use the main computer override key.
[Male Electronic Voice #1.]
Nine.
.
.
Now, if I could only remember which one it is.
Seven, six.
.
.
- Not that one.
- five, four.
.
.
- Wrong again.
- three.
.
.
- Oh, yeah.
This is it! - two, one.
.
.
[Explosion.]
A lifetime of work.
.
.
Gone.
All gone.
They can put a man on the moon.
.
.
but they can't protect us from ourselves.
[Exhales.]
Feels good to have the sun on my face! Course I'd rather have my face on the sun.
Hey, let me show ya somethin'! [Together.]
No! [Explosion.]
[Explosion.]
- Please welcome.
.
.
- From First Priority Records.
.
.
- Performing "Poor Georgie".
.
.
- [Together.]
M.
C.
Lyte.
I met him in a club hangin' out one night He said, Hello, I'm George Hi, Lyte How's everything going, huh How ya doin' Hope everything's fine Ooh and aah Can I call you sometime Can I get the digits And the address so I can come visit I gave him the digits That wasn't a problem 'Cause if he caused any I would have to solve them 'Cause George looked good Mm, damn good And in my mind I knew he would In my mind I hoped for the best Convincing myself that this was not a test 'Cause I heard many things about Georgie Nothing kinky, like no orgy I heard he knows how to make love Like an angel from the heaven above Who was I kiddin' I'd give him a try 'Cause Lyte needs love too and that ain't no lie Keep your ears open Hope that you're listening 'Cause I'm about to take you on a Georgie Porgie mission Can it be I stayed away too long Can it be I stayed away too long I gave him the digits I saw it in his eyes She gave me the number Hmm, I'm surprised Good conversation over the phone He begin to comfort me whenever I was alone George was sweet so nice and so neat With any other guy he didn't have to compete George was mature He made sure That he was the only man I'd ever adore Girls, have you ever had a friend That ya get wit' every now and then I know for a fact George had a lot of girls Spread out from state to state around the world As long as he was smart and kept his girls in check Made sure I never saw them and showed me respect He didn't have to be loyal like men should be I don't care about the other girls Just be good to me But if I ever saw one that would be the end He couldn't kick the sorry lie that she was just a friend The girls, I didn't care If I ask, don't lie See, 'cause Georgie was into makin' young girls cry Kissed the girls and made them cry Kissed the girls and made them cry Kissed the girls and made them cry Kissed the girls and made them cry - Kissed the girls and made them cry - Can it be I stayed away - Too long - Kissed the girls and made them cry - Kissed the girls and made them cry - Can it be I stayed away - Too long - Kissed the girls and made.
.
.
George was clean No drugs and such But once in a while he'd drink too much Hangin' in a club where they played rockers Him and his friend drinkin' vodka I was lookin' for him and I found him there With his clothes messed up and his messed-up hair I told him he was messin'upHe wouldn't go far He got mad and asked his friend for the keys to the car I said, Don't drive Use your head Drive while you're drunk and you kill yourself dead We begin to argue Bad words were said Then he got kicked out by some long-haired dread Ran into the car as if in a hurry Started the car but his vision was blurry He didn't care He drove off into the night Riding for mileswithout his headlights Georgie Porgie had too much on his mind He was still young yet running out of time Last week he took tests and the doctor told him George had cancer in his lungs and his colon See, when he was 12 he started smokin' Paid no attention when he started chokin' Thoughts flashed through his head There they stuck Till Georgie Porgie crashed into a truck I wish I would've told him I liked him so much How he made me feel with the slightest touch Now he's gone and I can't tell him nothin' Wish he was here so I could say somethin' Story is not to say that I'm in sorrow Just to say no one is promised tomorrow If you love someone you should say it often You never know when they'll be laying in a coffin Wake up, It's important that you know That no one on Earth is promised tomorrow Tomorrow, tomorrowtomorrow, tomorrow Believe that and don't think that it can't happen to you