Impractical Jokers (2017) s03e28 Episode Script
A Legendary Fail
narrator: Coming up, what's joe's beeping problem? beep-beep, beep, beep! Joe's beeping problem? beep-beep, beep, beep! Beep-beep, beep, beep! beep-beep, beep, beep! Beep-beep, beep, beep! narrator: Why is murr Beep-beep, beep, beep! narrator: Why is murr shooting blanks? narrator: Why is murr shooting blanks? pkk pkk pkk! Shooting blanks? pkk pkk pkk! [ laughing .]
pkk pkk pkk! [ laughing .]
narrator: And which joker has [ laughing .]
narrator: And which joker has a leading role in tonight's narrator: And which joker has a leading role in tonight's punishment? A leading role in tonight's punishment? [ audience booing .]
Punishment? [ audience booing .]
prepare for something [ audience booing .]
prepare for something amazing.
prepare for something amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? Amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
i want my mommy! [ laughter .]
i want my mommy! [ laughter .]
i want my mommy! [ laughter .]
i will never forgive you! [ laughter .]
i will never forgive you! larry! i will never forgive you! larry! [ laughter .]
today, we're working stadium security at the brooklyn cyclones baseball game.
Security at the brooklyn cyclones baseball game.
while keeping the place Cyclones baseball game.
while keeping the place secure, we got to do and say while keeping the place secure, we got to do and say what the other guys tell us.
and if you refuse, you lose.
[ wand beeping .]
balls of steel.
[ wand beeping .]
balls of steel.
[ laughter .]
balls of steel.
[ laughter .]
all right, buddy, here we go.
[ laughter .]
all right, buddy, here we go.
Start some static with a kid.
all right, buddy, here we go.
Start some static with a kid.
yeah, hey, hey.
Start some static with a kid.
yeah, hey, hey.
[ wand beeps .]
yeah, hey, hey.
[ wand beeps .]
hold on one sec, buddy.
[ wand beeps .]
hold on one sec, buddy.
What's up? What's the story? Hold on one sec, buddy.
What's up? What's the story? you here to start some you here to start some trouble or? no.
Trouble or? no.
i saw you eyeballing me from no.
i saw you eyeballing me from across the -- the yard.
i saw you eyeballing me from across the -- the yard.
maybe.
Across the -- the yard.
maybe.
what? Maybe? maybe.
what? Maybe? [ laughing .]
what? Maybe? [ laughing .]
all right, don't start [ laughing .]
all right, don't start nothing, there won't be nothing.
all right, don't start nothing, there won't be nothing.
all right.
Nothing, there won't be nothing.
all right.
all right, you're a good boy.
all right.
all right, you're a good boy.
Go make nice friends.
all right, you're a good boy.
Go make nice friends.
[ laughter .]
Go make nice friends.
[ laughter .]
sal, straight ahead.
[ laughter .]
sal, straight ahead.
this lady.
sal, straight ahead.
this lady.
Start gossiping to her.
this lady.
Start gossiping to her.
we have a worker here -- his Start gossiping to her.
we have a worker here -- his name's bob.
we have a worker here -- his name's bob.
I think he's sleeping with our Name's bob.
I think he's sleeping with our boss.
I think he's sleeping with our boss.
gary, our boss.
Boss.
gary, our boss.
gary.
gary, our boss.
gary.
gary.
gary.
gary.
[ laughter .]
gary.
[ laughter .]
and then these girls, all [ laughter .]
and then these girls, all with the shorts.
and then these girls, all with the shorts.
you see these ones with the With the shorts.
you see these ones with the shorts over here? you see these ones with the shorts over here? i wore the shorts two weeks Shorts over here? i wore the shorts two weeks ago, and now everybody's copying i wore the shorts two weeks ago, and now everybody's copying me.
Ago, and now everybody's copying me.
i wore those shorts two weeks Me.
i wore those shorts two weeks ago.
i wore those shorts two weeks ago.
Now they're copying me.
Ago.
Now they're copying me.
i got an ass that don't quit.
Now they're copying me.
i got an ass that don't quit.
oh.
i got an ass that don't quit.
oh.
[ laughter .]
oh.
[ laughter .]
i got -- [ laughter .]
i got -- [ groans .]
I got -- [ groans .]
[ laughter .]
[ groans .]
[ laughter .]
i got an ass that don't quit.
[ laughter .]
i got an ass that don't quit.
[ laughter .]
I got an ass that don't quit.
[ laughter .]
i'm tripping balls right now.
[ laughter .]
i'm tripping balls right now.
[ laughter .]
i'm tripping balls right now.
[ laughter .]
[ chuckling .]
[ laughter .]
[ chuckling .]
hoo! I'm trippin' balls right [ chuckling .]
hoo! I'm trippin' balls right now, lady.
Hoo! I'm trippin' balls right now, lady.
[ laughter .]
Now, lady.
[ laughter .]
[ wand beeping .]
[ laughter .]
[ wand beeping .]
stop this lady.
Stop her.
[ wand beeping .]
stop this lady.
Stop her.
stop, stop, stop.
stop this lady.
Stop her.
stop, stop, stop.
Whoa! stop, stop, stop.
Whoa! whoa.
Can't bring those bombs Whoa! whoa.
Can't bring those bombs in here.
whoa.
Can't bring those bombs in here.
can't go -- oh, no! In here.
can't go -- oh, no! [ laughter .]
can't go -- oh, no! [ laughter .]
got him! [ laughter .]
got him! He didn't see it coming! got him! He didn't see it coming! Boom! joey hmm.
Turn the wand off.
hmm.
Turn the wand off.
Do all the beeping with your Turn the wand off.
Do all the beeping with your mouth.
Do all the beeping with your mouth.
[ chuckles .]
Mouth.
[ chuckles .]
hi, guys.
You got checked? [ chuckles .]
hi, guys.
You got checked? yeah.
Hi, guys.
You got checked? yeah.
beep! yeah.
beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! [ laughing .]
Beep! [ laughing .]
beep! [ laughing .]
beep! Beep! beep! Beep! joe, make it go crazy.
Beep! joe, make it go crazy.
beep-beep, beep, beep! joe, make it go crazy.
beep-beep, beep, beep! Beep-beep, beep, beep! beep-beep, beep, beep! Beep-beep, beep, beep! Beep, beep! Beep-beep, beep, beep! Beep, beep! [ laughter .]
Beep, beep! [ laughter .]
beep beep! [ laughter .]
beep beep! Beep beep, beep-beep! beep beep! Beep beep, beep-beep! You're all good.
Beep beep, beep-beep! You're all good.
[ laughter .]
say, "up your ass, to the left.
" [ laughter .]
Left.
" [ laughter .]
oh, yeah, no, it's up your [ laughter .]
oh, yeah, no, it's up your ass to the left up here.
oh, yeah, no, it's up your ass to the left up here.
oh, okay.
Ass to the left up here.
oh, okay.
So i would have to go through oh, okay.
So i would have to go through the So i would have to go through the directly over and then The directly over and then directly up the ass up the -- directly over and then directly up the ass up the -- right up your actual ass.
Directly up the ass up the -- right up your actual ass.
i'm just saying actually -- right up your actual ass.
i'm just saying actually -- up your actual [bleep.]
and to i'm just saying actually -- up your actual [bleep.]
and to the left, there.
Up your actual [bleep.]
and to the left, there.
[ laughing .]
The left, there.
[ laughing .]
your ass [bleep.]
and then a [ laughing .]
your ass [bleep.]
and then a left.
your ass [bleep.]
and then a left.
[ laughter .]
Left.
[ laughter .]
hey, man, how's it going? [ laughter .]
hey, man, how's it going? hey.
Hey, man, how's it going? hey.
good.
Real quick.
hey.
good.
Real quick.
joe, just paddle between his good.
Real quick.
joe, just paddle between his thighs, back and forth.
joe, just paddle between his thighs, back and forth.
spread the legs a little bit.
Thighs, back and forth.
spread the legs a little bit.
there you go.
spread the legs a little bit.
there you go.
there you go.
there you go.
there you go.
That's it.
there you go.
That's it.
lookit! That's it.
lookit! Look at this! lookit! Look at this! [ laughter .]
Look at this! [ laughter .]
yeah, almost there.
[ laughter .]
yeah, almost there.
[ both laugh .]
yeah, almost there.
[ both laugh .]
sometimes it doesn't go -- [ both laugh .]
sometimes it doesn't go -- it doesn't go off sometimes.
Sometimes it doesn't go -- it doesn't go off sometimes.
look at what's going on! It doesn't go off sometimes.
look at what's going on! did you hit traffic today, or look at what's going on! did you hit traffic today, or you did all right? did you hit traffic today, or you did all right? no, we were good.
You did all right? no, we were good.
you take the train in or you no, we were good.
you take the train in or you drove? you take the train in or you drove? now turn him around and get Drove? now turn him around and get him from the back.
now turn him around and get him from the back.
you can just turn around.
Him from the back.
you can just turn around.
[ laughter .]
you can just turn around.
[ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
all right, murr.
yeah.
you got to inspect someone yeah.
you got to inspect someone with that little wand of yours, you got to inspect someone with that little wand of yours, but you got to do crazy wand.
With that little wand of yours, but you got to do crazy wand.
Yeah, wave your hand around, But you got to do crazy wand.
Yeah, wave your hand around, make it, you know, crazy wand.
Yeah, wave your hand around, make it, you know, crazy wand.
sir, do you mind just real sir, do you mind just real quick? Just real quick.
Quick? Just real quick.
[ wand beeping .]
Just real quick.
[ wand beeping .]
[ laughing .]
[ wand beeping .]
[ laughing .]
oh! [ laughing .]
oh! he just [bleep.]
hit him in oh! he just [bleep.]
hit him in the -- he just [bleep.]
hit him in the -- he just hit him The -- he just hit him We didn't say assault the guy! He just hit him We didn't say assault the guy! oh, geez.
We didn't say assault the guy! oh, geez.
hey, murr, hold up that wand oh, geez.
hey, murr, hold up that wand so we can see it.
hey, murr, hold up that wand so we can see it.
That's it.
So we can see it.
That's it.
I want you to get that down the That's it.
I want you to get that down the back of someone's pants.
I want you to get that down the back of someone's pants.
no! Back of someone's pants.
no! just anybody you want, buddy.
no! just anybody you want, buddy.
Go right ahead -- right down the just anybody you want, buddy.
Go right ahead -- right down the back of their pants.
Go right ahead -- right down the back of their pants.
> okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Back of their pants.
> okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
[ laughter .]
> okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
[ laughter .]
oh, geez.
[ laughter .]
oh, geez.
Sir, you mind if i just check Oh, geez.
Sir, you mind if i just check real quick? Sir, you mind if i just check real quick? Is that okay? Real quick? Is that okay? Thank you.
Is that okay? Thank you.
[ wand beeping .]
Thank you.
[ wand beeping .]
all right, here we go.
Do you have something in the back pocket at all? Do you mind if i just lift up Back pocket at all? Do you mind if i just lift up the shirt just for one sec? Do you mind if i just lift up the shirt just for one sec? Let me see.
The shirt just for one sec? Let me see.
Let me just Let me see.
Let me just [ wand beeps .]
Let me just [ wand beeps .]
just real quick, let me see.
Just real quick, let me see.
All right, just take a quick -- just real -- All right, just take a quick -- just real -- i just want to -- Just real -- i just want to -- you know, you're allowed to I just want to -- you know, you're allowed to refuse things.
you know, you're allowed to refuse things.
just real quick.
Refuse things.
just real quick.
It's just -- just real quick.
It's just -- [ wand beeping .]
It's just -- [ wand beeping .]
you and i are gonna get through [ wand beeping .]
you and i are gonna get through this together.
You and i are gonna get through this together.
Let me go from underneath.
This together.
Let me go from underneath.
[ laughter .]
Let me go from underneath.
[ laughter .]
no good! [ laughter .]
no good! i tried.
no good! i tried.
can't get it! q, this guy here.
yeah.
let him know that sexy yeah.
let him know that sexy recognizes sexy, playah! let him know that sexy recognizes sexy, playah! [ laughter .]
Recognizes sexy, playah! [ laughter .]
yo, sir, sir.
yo, sir, sir.
Sexy recognizes sexy, playah.
there you go.
Sexy recognizes sexy, playah.
there you go.
[ laughter .]
there you go.
[ laughter .]
excuse me, ladies.
[ laughter .]
excuse me, ladies.
excuse me, ladies.
excuse me, ladies.
excuse me, ladies.
are you hiding drugs in your excuse me, ladies.
are you hiding drugs in your tuchus? are you hiding drugs in your tuchus? [ laughter .]
Tuchus? [ laughter .]
i don't know if they -- [ laughter .]
i don't know if they -- i don't know if they asked you i don't know if they -- i don't know if they asked you at the front gate, but, uh I don't know if they asked you at the front gate, but, uh Are you, uh At the front gate, but, uh Are you, uh hummina, hummina, hummina.
Are you, uh hummina, hummina, hummina.
[ laughter .]
hummina, hummina, hummina.
[ laughter .]
get to it.
[ laughter .]
get to it.
oh! get to it.
oh! are you sneaking drugs in in oh! are you sneaking drugs in in your tuchus? are you sneaking drugs in in your tuchus? would you like to check? Your tuchus? would you like to check? [ laughter .]
would you like to check? [ laughter .]
yes? [ laughter .]
yes? yes.
Yes? yes.
[ both laugh .]
yes.
[ both laugh .]
come on.
Come on.
[ both laugh .]
come on.
Come on.
We're gonna go right to the Come on.
Come on.
We're gonna go right to the tuchus-checking area.
We're gonna go right to the tuchus-checking area.
All right, we're gonna check Tuchus-checking area.
All right, we're gonna check that tuchus out.
All right, we're gonna check that tuchus out.
All right, you got it.
That tuchus out.
All right, you got it.
[ laughter .]
All right, you got it.
[ laughter .]
incoming! [ laughter .]
incoming! [ ding! .]
Incoming! [ ding! .]
narrator: Ladies and [ ding! .]
narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, murr and sal have narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, murr and sal have been escorted out of the stadium Gentlemen, murr and sal have been escorted out of the stadium and onto the loser board.
Been escorted out of the stadium and onto the loser board.
today, we're teaming up as And onto the loser board.
today, we're teaming up as crime-scene experts, giving today, we're teaming up as crime-scene experts, giving presentations on forensic Crime-scene experts, giving presentations on forensic science.
Presentations on forensic science.
the thing is, the Science.
the thing is, the presentation has been made by the thing is, the presentation has been made by the other team.
at the end, we'll ask the group to raise their hands if they learned anything of value.
Group to raise their hands if they learned anything of value.
whichever team gets the They learned anything of value.
whichever team gets the fewest hands raised loses.
whichever team gets the fewest hands raised loses.
you guys smell something? Fewest hands raised loses.
you guys smell something? barbecue.
you guys smell something? barbecue.
yeah! Barbecue! come on in.
Have a seat.
Hello, hello.
My name is joe gatto.
Have a seat.
Hello, hello.
My name is joe gatto.
hi.
I'm brian quinn.
My name is joe gatto.
hi.
I'm brian quinn.
How are you? hi.
I'm brian quinn.
How are you? we are forensics experts.
How are you? we are forensics experts.
So we're just gonna talk you we are forensics experts.
So we're just gonna talk you through some of the basics of a So we're just gonna talk you through some of the basics of a crime scene.
Through some of the basics of a crime scene.
what's the first thing that what's the first thing that people see when they walk in to a crime scene? People see when they walk in to a crime scene? what's the first thing that A crime scene? what's the first thing that most people see when they walk what's the first thing that most people see when they walk in to a crime scene? yes, that's right.
you guys, show them the chalk outline.
you guys, show them the chalk outline.
[ laughing .]
Outline.
[ laughing .]
so, we're gonna show you a [ laughing .]
so, we're gonna show you a couple examples of these real so, we're gonna show you a couple examples of these real chalk outlines.
Couple examples of these real chalk outlines.
for instance.
Chalk outlines.
for instance.
[ laughs .]
for instance.
[ laughs .]
okay.
[ laughs .]
okay.
So, this happened in a club in okay.
So, this happened in a club in the village.
So, this happened in a club in the village.
[ both laugh .]
The village.
[ both laugh .]
that's "ymca.
" [ both laugh .]
that's "ymca.
" we actually thought it was an that's "ymca.
" we actually thought it was an officer down because this guy we actually thought it was an officer down because this guy was dressed as a cop.
Officer down because this guy was dressed as a cop.
no, that's the indian.
Was dressed as a cop.
no, that's the indian.
turned out that it was -- no, that's the indian.
turned out that it was -- the cop's on the end.
turned out that it was -- the cop's on the end.
oh, that was the cop down the cop's on the end.
oh, that was the cop down there.
Okay.
oh, that was the cop down there.
Okay.
the cop is the "a.
" There.
Okay.
the cop is the "a.
" everyone knows that.
the cop is the "a.
" everyone knows that.
his timing was actually Everyone knows that.
his timing was actually perfect.
his timing was actually perfect.
Took them all down.
Perfect.
Took them all down.
Basically, the killer came in, Took them all down.
Basically, the killer came in, and he was like, "dnt, dnt, dnt, Basically, the killer came in, and he was like, "dnt, dnt, dnt, dnt! And he was like, "dnt, dnt, dnt, dnt! [ laughing .]
Dnt! [ laughing .]
let's go to the next one.
[ laughing .]
let's go to the next one.
uh let's go to the next one.
uh Oh.
Well, okay.
uh Oh.
Well, okay.
[ both laugh .]
Oh.
Well, okay.
[ both laugh .]
[ chuckles .]
[ both laugh .]
[ chuckles .]
now, we all know what this [ chuckles .]
now, we all know what this looks like.
now, we all know what this looks like.
what that was was a stabbing.
Looks like.
what that was was a stabbing.
yes.
what that was was a stabbing.
yes.
and he got stabbed with a yes.
and he got stabbed with a knife and he got stabbed with a knife yeah.
Knife yeah.
Right there.
yeah.
Right there.
[ both laugh .]
Right there.
[ both laugh .]
so that's our chalk outlines.
[ both laugh .]
so that's our chalk outlines.
let's talk about eyewitness so that's our chalk outlines.
let's talk about eyewitness accounts.
let's talk about eyewitness accounts.
well, a big thing that that Accounts.
well, a big thing that that brings up, actually, is well, a big thing that that brings up, actually, is eyewitness accounts.
Brings up, actually, is eyewitness accounts.
oh, eyewitness accounts.
Eyewitness accounts.
oh, eyewitness accounts.
why don't you guys show them oh, eyewitness accounts.
why don't you guys show them some sample sketches? why don't you guys show them some sample sketches? so, we're gonna show you some Some sample sketches? so, we're gonna show you some sample sketches.
so, we're gonna show you some sample sketches.
First one.
Sample sketches.
First one.
here's the first one.
First one.
here's the first one.
this is geronimo valdez.
here's the first one.
this is geronimo valdez.
his street name was this is geronimo valdez.
his street name was geronimo valdez.
his street name was geronimo valdez.
Real low-level scumbag, this Geronimo valdez.
Real low-level scumbag, this guy.
Real low-level scumbag, this guy.
[ both laugh .]
Guy.
[ both laugh .]
this is tony gunk.
[ both laugh .]
this is tony gunk.
tony gunk.
this is tony gunk.
tony gunk.
that's tony gunk.
tony gunk.
that's tony gunk.
tony gunk.
that's tony gunk.
tony gunk.
Uh tony gunk.
Uh H-how would you describe Uh H-how would you describe tony gunk? H-how would you describe tony gunk? heavyset.
Mm-hmm.
Tony gunk? heavyset.
Mm-hmm.
[ both laugh .]
heavyset.
Mm-hmm.
[ both laugh .]
shaggy hair, heavyset.
[ both laugh .]
shaggy hair, heavyset.
Mm-hmm.
Shaggy hair, heavyset.
Mm-hmm.
You know what? Mm-hmm.
You know what? It is really uncanny.
You know what? It is really uncanny.
yeah.
It is really uncanny.
yeah.
[ laughter .]
yeah.
[ laughter .]
t-gunk! [ laughter .]
t-gunk! t-gunk! t-gunk! t-gunk! tony gunk.
t-gunk! tony gunk.
all right, we're gonna talk tony gunk.
all right, we're gonna talk to you about a couple of real all right, we're gonna talk to you about a couple of real cases we handled.
To you about a couple of real cases we handled.
Uh, 2004 Cases we handled.
Uh, 2004 in 2004 Uh, 2004 in 2004 A man was murdered in 2004 A man was murdered This man was murdered A man was murdered This man was murdered At a bus stop This man was murdered At a bus stop At a bus stop At a bus stop At a bus stop About the bus schedule.
At a bus stop About the bus schedule.
what was it about again? About the bus schedule.
what was it about again? uh, it was about the bus what was it about again? uh, it was about the bus schedule.
uh, it was about the bus schedule.
oh, that's right.
Schedule.
oh, that's right.
so reenact the -- the crime.
oh, that's right.
so reenact the -- the crime.
um, do you know what time the so reenact the -- the crime.
um, do you know what time the bus comes? um, do you know what time the bus comes? uh, yeah.
Bus comes? uh, yeah.
It's here at 1:00.
uh, yeah.
It's here at 1:00.
sign says 1:10, bro.
It's here at 1:00.
sign says 1:10, bro.
oh, dude, i'm sorry.
I -- sign says 1:10, bro.
oh, dude, i'm sorry.
I -- you deserve to die.
oh, dude, i'm sorry.
I -- you deserve to die.
well, i'm not worried about you deserve to die.
well, i'm not worried about that.
well, i'm not worried about that.
It's broad daylight.
That.
It's broad daylight.
[ laughing .]
It's broad daylight.
[ laughing .]
in my backpack, i have this [ laughing .]
in my backpack, i have this large machete.
in my backpack, i have this large machete.
oh, god, no.
Large machete.
oh, god, no.
Aah! oh, god, no.
Aah! Ohh! It was 10 minutes! Aah! Ohh! It was 10 minutes! This is awful! Ohh! It was 10 minutes! This is awful! my arm! This is awful! my arm! Aah! I'm in four pieces! my arm! Aah! I'm in four pieces! [ laughs .]
Aah! I'm in four pieces! [ laughs .]
the bus is 1:10! [ laughs .]
the bus is 1:10! And he repeatedly stabbed the the bus is 1:10! And he repeatedly stabbed the carcass.
And he repeatedly stabbed the carcass.
What do we learn here? Carcass.
What do we learn here? [ both laugh .]
What do we learn here? [ both laugh .]
know what time the bus arrives.
[ both laugh .]
know what time the bus arrives.
[ laughing .]
Know what time the bus arrives.
[ laughing .]
do you feel like you learned [ laughing .]
do you feel like you learned something new here today? do you feel like you learned something new here today? Show of hands.
Something new here today? Show of hands.
show of hands, please.
Show of hands.
show of hands, please.
show of hands, please.
oh, no! oh, no! all right.
oh, no! all right.
wow! all right.
wow! what the [bleep.]
did they wow! what the [bleep.]
did they possibly learn? what the [bleep.]
did they possibly learn? oh, good.
Possibly learn? oh, good.
Then our job is done, tony gunk.
oh, good.
Then our job is done, tony gunk.
all right! Then our job is done, tony gunk.
all right! [ ding! .]
how are you? Welcome.
A lot of what we'll do tonight is talk about the different A lot of what we'll do tonight is talk about the different parts of the investigative Is talk about the different parts of the investigative process.
Parts of the investigative process.
just say, "has everybody here just say, "has everybody here seen evidence bags?" has everyone here seen Seen evidence bags?" has everyone here seen evidence bags -- proper police has everyone here seen evidence bags -- proper police evidence bags? Evidence bags -- proper police evidence bags? we actually brought some for Evidence bags? we actually brought some for you guys to take a look at.
we actually brought some for you guys to take a look at.
we actually brought some so You guys to take a look at.
we actually brought some so you can take a look at them.
we actually brought some so you can take a look at them.
sal, grab that brown box.
You can take a look at them.
sal, grab that brown box.
okay.
Here we go.
sal, grab that brown box.
okay.
Here we go.
so, sal just got back from okay.
Here we go.
so, sal just got back from vacation.
so, sal just got back from vacation.
He made the mistake of leaving Vacation.
He made the mistake of leaving his luggage on set.
He made the mistake of leaving his luggage on set.
so, here we have His luggage on set.
so, here we have A box of evidence that was so, here we have A box of evidence that was catalogued from a local A box of evidence that was catalogued from a local precinct.
Catalogued from a local precinct.
Uh Precinct.
Uh yeah, we went through your Uh yeah, we went through your luggage that you left back here yeah, we went through your luggage that you left back here and heat-sealed everything.
Luggage that you left back here and heat-sealed everything.
this is a fitted 7 3/8 yankee And heat-sealed everything.
this is a fitted 7 3/8 yankee cap.
this is a fitted 7 3/8 yankee cap.
Well broken in.
Cap.
Well broken in.
Um, this is great.
Well broken in.
Um, this is great.
Okay.
Let's keep going.
Um, this is great.
Okay.
Let's keep going.
what else you got in that Okay.
Let's keep going.
what else you got in that evidence box, buddy? what else you got in that evidence box, buddy? What else you got in there? Evidence box, buddy? What else you got in there? oh, god.
What else you got in there? oh, god.
'course, yeah.
oh, god.
'course, yeah.
So, this is a belt.
'course, yeah.
So, this is a belt.
It's a brown leather belt.
So, this is a belt.
It's a brown leather belt.
I got it at h&m.
It's a brown leather belt.
I got it at h&m.
wait.
I got it at h&m.
wait.
The perp got it at -- wait.
The perp got it at -- perp got it at h&m.
The perp got it at -- perp got it at h&m.
[ both laugh .]
perp got it at h&m.
[ both laugh .]
says h&m on it.
[ both laugh .]
says h&m on it.
UhThis is his glasses.
Says h&m on it.
UhThis is his glasses.
And this is his head-- UhThis is his glasses.
And this is his head-- headphones, which he doesn't And this is his head-- headphones, which he doesn't like people to touch 'cause it Headphones, which he doesn't like people to touch 'cause it goes in his ears.
Like people to touch 'cause it goes in his ears.
[ both laugh .]
Goes in his ears.
[ both laugh .]
they're all vacuum-sealed.
[ both laugh .]
they're all vacuum-sealed.
oh, they're they're all vacuum-sealed.
oh, they're Oh, these are oh, they're Oh, these are wait.
Oh, these are wait.
oh, these are all wait.
oh, these are all vacuum-sealed.
oh, these are all vacuum-sealed.
they're legitimately Vacuum-sealed.
they're legitimately vacuum-sealed.
they're legitimately vacuum-sealed.
you can't open it, right, Vacuum-sealed.
you can't open it, right, sal? you can't open it, right, sal? Try to open it.
Sal? Try to open it.
oh.
Try to open it.
oh.
[ both laugh .]
oh.
[ both laugh .]
and you can't -- [ both laugh .]
and you can't -- you can't open these.
And you can't -- you can't open these.
it's unopenable.
You can't open these.
it's unopenable.
[ both laugh .]
it's unopenable.
[ both laugh .]
we're grown men.
[ both laugh .]
we're grown men.
[ both laugh .]
we're grown men.
[ both laugh .]
okay, murr, it's time for you [ both laugh .]
okay, murr, it's time for you to test the audience.
okay, murr, it's time for you to test the audience.
i'm going to give you guys a To test the audience.
i'm going to give you guys a little test.
i'm going to give you guys a little test.
look down there.
Little test.
look down there.
There's a little canister of look down there.
There's a little canister of potato chips.
There's a little canister of potato chips.
so, there's -- we have potato Potato chips.
so, there's -- we have potato chips over here.
so, there's -- we have potato chips over here.
so i'm gonna give you guys a Chips over here.
so i'm gonna give you guys a little fingerprint test.
so i'm gonna give you guys a little fingerprint test.
we're going to give a little Little fingerprint test.
we're going to give a little oh! we're going to give a little oh! [ both laugh .]
Oh! [ both laugh .]
holy [bleep.]
[ both laugh .]
holy [bleep.]
you were supposed to give it Holy [bleep.]
you were supposed to give it to the guy, and he was supposed you were supposed to give it to the guy, and he was supposed to open it.
To the guy, and he was supposed to open it.
You opened it, you dope.
To open it.
You opened it, you dope.
[ laughs .]
You opened it, you dope.
[ laughs .]
guys, grab that tray for a [ laughs .]
guys, grab that tray for a blood-spatter examination.
Guys, grab that tray for a blood-spatter examination.
the last thing we'd like to Blood-spatter examination.
the last thing we'd like to talk about is, uh the last thing we'd like to talk about is, uh how you measure blood Talk about is, uh how you measure blood splatter.
how you measure blood splatter.
yes.
Now, another part of Splatter.
yes.
Now, another part of forensics is physics.
yes.
Now, another part of forensics is physics.
use that yarn to do the Forensics is physics.
use that yarn to do the trajectory of the bullet.
use that yarn to do the trajectory of the bullet.
right.
Trajectory of the bullet.
right.
let's say the bullet entered right.
let's say the bullet entered my chest -- let's say the bullet entered my chest -- if it's coming from here.
My chest -- if it's coming from here.
now, where does the blood go? if it's coming from here.
now, where does the blood go? let me show you.
now, where does the blood go? let me show you.
Fill your mouth with water.
let me show you.
Fill your mouth with water.
bend down.
Fill your mouth with water.
bend down.
Yeah.
bend down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
mm-hmm.
Yeah.
mm-hmm.
so, if i'm like, "freeze.
" mm-hmm.
so, if i'm like, "freeze.
" and now just spit-take all so, if i'm like, "freeze.
" and now just spit-take all over sal.
and now just spit-take all over sal.
Bang! Over sal.
Bang! boom! Boom! Bang! boom! Boom! [ both laugh .]
now, sal, a head shot's totally different.
oh-ho-ho.
Totally different.
oh-ho-ho.
so, if he shot me here in the oh-ho-ho.
so, if he shot me here in the head, and i was standing this so, if he shot me here in the head, and i was standing this way Head, and i was standing this way [ both laugh .]
Way [ both laugh .]
right in his face, sal.
[ both laugh .]
right in his face, sal.
murray, bang.
right in his face, sal.
murray, bang.
bang! murray, bang.
bang! Oh! bang! Oh! [ both laugh .]
Oh! [ both laugh .]
we're talking about a single [ both laugh .]
we're talking about a single shot.
we're talking about a single shot.
A machine gun could do anything Shot.
A machine gun could do anything like that.
A machine gun could do anything like that.
[ both laugh .]
Like that.
[ both laugh .]
by show of hands [ both laugh .]
by show of hands yes.
by show of hands yes.
How many of you think yes.
How many of you think you've learned something of How many of you think you've learned something of value today? You've learned something of value today? just one? Value today? just one? so just one? just one? so just one? hey, guys, you're all wet.
so just one? hey, guys, you're all wet.
[ buzzer .]
hey, guys, you're all wet.
[ buzzer .]
narrator: Murr and sal were [ buzzer .]
narrator: Murr and sal were shot down, so their dna is all narrator: Murr and sal were shot down, so their dna is all over the loser board.
Shot down, so their dna is all over the loser board.
we're back again in the park, Over the loser board.
we're back again in the park, putting all new strangers we're back again in the park, putting all new strangers through a series of unfortunate Putting all new strangers through a series of unfortunate events.
Through a series of unfortunate events.
while chatting up a stranger, Events.
while chatting up a stranger, the guys will give us an action, while chatting up a stranger, the guys will give us an action, then another one, and then The guys will give us an action, then another one, and then another one.
Then another one, and then another one.
every time we get a new Another one.
every time we get a new action, we have to redo the every time we get a new action, we have to redo the previous actions first.
the goal is to remember and perform as many commands as you can.
Perform as many commands as you can.
Whoever performs the least, Can.
Whoever performs the least, loses.
Whoever performs the least, loses.
narrator: It's joe and murr Loses.
narrator: It's joe and murr with a joker vs.
Joker narrator: It's joe and murr with a joker vs.
Joker challenge.
With a joker vs.
Joker challenge.
[ sighs .]
Challenge.
[ sighs .]
oh, he's in it.
[ sighs .]
oh, he's in it.
where you from? oh, he's in it.
where you from? Mexico? Nice, nice.
where you from? Mexico? Nice, nice.
joe, you got to make a peeps? Mexico? Nice, nice.
joe, you got to make a peeps? [ laughter .]
joe, you got to make a peeps? [ laughter .]
that's the first thing he's [ laughter .]
that's the first thing he's got to say? that's the first thing he's got to say? the first thing.
Got to say? the first thing.
That's the thing he has to the first thing.
That's the thing he has to repeat every time.
That's the thing he has to repeat every time.
[ laughs .]
Repeat every time.
[ laughs .]
i got to make a peeps.
[ laughs .]
i got to make a peeps.
I got to make a peeps, but i got to make a peeps.
I got to make a peeps, but before that, i come and sit in I got to make a peeps, but before that, i come and sit in the park, take a look around.
Before that, i come and sit in the park, take a look around.
joe, slap your neck like The park, take a look around.
joe, slap your neck like you're killing a mosquito.
joe, slap your neck like you're killing a mosquito.
new york's a -- You're killing a mosquito.
new york's a -- yeah, new york's a great place new york's a -- yeah, new york's a great place to spend some times, and i Yeah, new york's a great place to spend some times, and i really got to make a peeps.
To spend some times, and i really got to make a peeps.
[ laughter .]
Really got to make a peeps.
[ laughter .]
i'm gonna make him look [ laughter .]
i'm gonna make him look crazy.
i'm gonna make him look crazy.
Joe, do a dolphin impersonation.
Crazy.
Joe, do a dolphin impersonation.
Enh enh enh! Joe, do a dolphin impersonation.
Enh enh enh! [ laughter .]
Enh enh enh! [ laughter .]
no mercy! [ laughter .]
no mercy! i really got to make a peeps, no mercy! i really got to make a peeps, and it just keeps me moving.
i really got to make a peeps, and it just keeps me moving.
Um, you're from mexico, right? And it just keeps me moving.
Um, you're from mexico, right? They got the dolphins down Um, you're from mexico, right? They got the dolphins down there? They got the dolphins down there? Enh enh enh! There? Enh enh enh! no.
Enh enh enh! no.
[ laughter .]
no.
[ laughter .]
talk out of your butt like [ laughter .]
talk out of your butt like ace ventura.
talk out of your butt like ace ventura.
[ laughter .]
there's no water? Oh, yeah? yes.
Oh, yeah? yes.
i got to make a peeps.
yes.
i got to make a peeps.
That's all i'm really -- really i got to make a peeps.
That's all i'm really -- really think-- That's all i'm really -- really think-- thinking about.
Think-- thinking about.
Um Thinking about.
Um [ laughter .]
Um [ laughter .]
but all the dangers that you [ laughter .]
but all the dangers that you have there, i mean, i would want But all the dangers that you have there, i mean, i would want to be a dolphin in those Have there, i mean, i would want to be a dolphin in those situations.
To be a dolphin in those situations.
Be able to swim! Situations.
Be able to swim! Enh enh enh! Be able to swim! Enh enh enh! You know? Enh enh enh! You know? I wouldn't want to be -- i You know? I wouldn't want to be -- i wouldn't want to be scared I wouldn't want to be -- i wouldn't want to be scared about, you know, the volcano.
Wouldn't want to be scared about, you know, the volcano.
That would scare the -- About, you know, the volcano.
That would scare the -- that would scare the ass out of That would scare the -- that would scare the ass out of me! That would scare the ass out of me! [ laughter .]
Me! [ laughter .]
you could do anything once.
[ laughter .]
you could do anything once.
yeah, that's right, right, you could do anything once.
yeah, that's right, right, right.
yeah, that's right, right, right.
Joe, scream, "g-o-o-o-o-o-oal! Right.
Joe, scream, "g-o-o-o-o-o-oal! i got to really make this Joe, scream, "g-o-o-o-o-o-oal! i got to really make this peeps.
i got to really make this peeps.
Uh Peeps.
Uh there's that damn mosquito.
Uh there's that damn mosquito.
there's part of america, you there's that damn mosquito.
there's part of america, you know, like california -- they there's part of america, you know, like california -- they got the dolphins -- Know, like california -- they got the dolphins -- enh enh enh enh! Got the dolphins -- enh enh enh enh! You know, they got the dolphins Enh enh enh enh! You know, they got the dolphins down there.
You know, they got the dolphins down there.
You could go see them.
Down there.
You could go see them.
You know, but then there's other You could go see them.
You know, but then there's other places that -- You know, but then there's other places that -- there's a lot of pollution, and Places that -- there's a lot of pollution, and they're just like, "smells like There's a lot of pollution, and they're just like, "smells like ass!" They're just like, "smells like ass!" you know? Ass!" you know? That's the worst.
You know? That's the worst.
[ laughing .]
That's the worst.
[ laughing .]
oh, you're gonna get going [ laughing .]
oh, you're gonna get going soon? oh, you're gonna get going soon? Well, buddy, it was -- it was Soon? Well, buddy, it was -- it was nice meeting you.
Well, buddy, it was -- it was nice meeting you.
Uh Nice meeting you.
Uh you forget? Uh you forget? he forgot.
you forget? he forgot.
i wish you best of luck with he forgot.
i wish you best of luck with your travels.
i wish you best of luck with your travels.
is he not remembering? Your travels.
is he not remembering? this is tense.
is he not remembering? this is tense.
i'm gonna get going, so this is tense.
i'm gonna get going, so just -- i'm gonna get going, so just -- joe gatto.
Just -- joe gatto.
All my friends around here call Joe gatto.
All my friends around here call me g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oal! All my friends around here call me g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oal! [ ding! .]
Me g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oal! [ ding! .]
a goal at the buzzer.
[ ding! .]
a goal at the buzzer.
i just moved here like two a goal at the buzzer.
i just moved here like two months ago, and i'm trying to i just moved here like two months ago, and i'm trying to find a good pizzeria, but i Months ago, and i'm trying to find a good pizzeria, but i haven't found anything that i Find a good pizzeria, but i haven't found anything that i like yet.
Haven't found anything that i like yet.
okay, murr, we're gonna start Like yet.
okay, murr, we're gonna start you off nice and easy.
okay, murr, we're gonna start you off nice and easy.
nice and easy.
You off nice and easy.
nice and easy.
little point and shoot.
nice and easy.
little point and shoot.
have you tried that -- what's little point and shoot.
have you tried that -- what's it called? have you tried that -- what's it called? Like, mercato? It called? Like, mercato? mercato.
Got it.
Like, mercato? mercato.
Got it.
[ tongue clicks .]
mercato.
Got it.
[ tongue clicks .]
okay.
So murray's point and [ tongue clicks .]
okay.
So murray's point and shoot, so everyone's clear, okay.
So murray's point and shoot, so everyone's clear, is Shoot, so everyone's clear, is [ tongue clicking .]
Is [ tongue clicking .]
[ both laugh .]
[ tongue clicking .]
[ both laugh .]
we're all on the same page? [ both laugh .]
we're all on the same page? Great.
We're all on the same page? Great.
Let's keep with the finger Great.
Let's keep with the finger theme, and now deep sniff that Let's keep with the finger theme, and now deep sniff that finger.
Theme, and now deep sniff that finger.
[ laughing .]
Finger.
[ laughing .]
where you from? [ laughing .]
where you from? i'm from, like, kansas.
where you from? i'm from, like, kansas.
kansas? Got it.
i'm from, like, kansas.
kansas? Got it.
[ tongue clicks, squeaks .]
kansas? Got it.
[ tongue clicks, squeaks .]
[ laughs.]
[ tongue clicks, squeaks .]
[ laughs.]
[ sniffs deeply .]
[ laughs.]
[ sniffs deeply .]
[ laughter .]
[ sniffs deeply .]
[ laughter .]
murr, do a sassy siren sound.
[ laughter .]
murr, do a sassy siren sound.
look over here, buddy.
murr, do a sassy siren sound.
look over here, buddy.
We'll show you.
look over here, buddy.
We'll show you.
all: Whoo-whoo! We'll show you.
all: Whoo-whoo! i remember, i was here one all: Whoo-whoo! i remember, i was here one time.
i remember, i was here one time.
This guy comes up to me, and Time.
This guy comes up to me, and he's like, "yeah, man, you want This guy comes up to me, and he's like, "yeah, man, you want to buy something?" He's like, "yeah, man, you want to buy something?" [ clicks tongue .]
To buy something?" [ clicks tongue .]
and then, uh -- and then [ clicks tongue .]
and then, uh -- and then [ sniffs deeply .]
And then, uh -- and then [ sniffs deeply .]
I was like -- i was like, [ sniffs deeply .]
I was like -- i was like, "you better get out of here, I was like -- i was like, "you better get out of here, buddy, before" "you better get out of here, buddy, before" whoo-whoo-whoo! Buddy, before" whoo-whoo-whoo! You know, he got pulled away by Whoo-whoo-whoo! You know, he got pulled away by the paddy wagon.
You know, he got pulled away by the paddy wagon.
You know? The paddy wagon.
You know? i got another way to use the You know? i got another way to use the finger.
i got another way to use the finger.
what do you got? Finger.
what do you got? got something on your shirt.
what do you got? got something on your shirt.
Boop! got something on your shirt.
Boop! [ both laugh .]
Boop! [ both laugh .]
you got that, murr? [ both laugh .]
you got that, murr? [ laughter .]
You got that, murr? [ laughter .]
you go to nyu? [ laughter .]
you go to nyu? yeah, i go to nyu.
you go to nyu? yeah, i go to nyu.
oh, cool.
yeah, i go to nyu.
oh, cool.
i'm a math and physics major.
oh, cool.
i'm a math and physics major.
i got it.
i'm a math and physics major.
i got it.
Pkk pkk pkk! i got it.
Pkk pkk pkk! Got it, got it, got it, got it.
Pkk pkk pkk! Got it, got it, got it, got it.
I-i heard that, uh Got it, got it, got it, got it.
I-i heard that, uh So, like, uh I-i heard that, uh So, like, uh Um So, like, uh Um I, uh, can't remember [bleep.]
Um I, uh, can't remember [bleep.]
he can't remember? I, uh, can't remember [bleep.]
he can't remember? [ laught .]
he can't remember? [ laught .]
you're out! [ laught .]
you're out! [ buzzer .]
you're out! [ buzzer .]
narrator: Murr's memory narrator: Murr's memory failed him, so he's off to a punishment he'll never forget.
Failed him, so he's off to a punishment he'll never forget.
murray lost! Punishment he'll never forget.
murray lost! So we are here at murray lost! So we are here at foxwoods resort casino for his So we are here at foxwoods resort casino for his legendary punishment.
Foxwoods resort casino for his legendary punishment.
that's right.
Legendary punishment.
that's right.
You'll be addressing the crowd that's right.
You'll be addressing the crowd at the live tribute show You'll be addressing the crowd at the live tribute show "legends in concert," and you'll At the live tribute show "legends in concert," and you'll be using this microphone, but "legends in concert," and you'll be using this microphone, but the voice coming out of it won't Be using this microphone, but the voice coming out of it won't be yours.
The voice coming out of it won't be yours.
[ laughter .]
Be yours.
[ laughter .]
it's gonna be our voice! [ laughter .]
it's gonna be our voice! You get it? it's gonna be our voice! You get it? Our voice comes out of the mike! You get it? Our voice comes out of the mike! i get it, i get it.
Our voice comes out of the mike! i get it, i get it.
i will be reading off i get it, i get it.
i will be reading off official foxwoods preshow i will be reading off official foxwoods preshow announcements with tweaks that Official foxwoods preshow announcements with tweaks that we've made.
Announcements with tweaks that we've made.
yes, the tweaks.
We've made.
yes, the tweaks.
oh, one or two small tweaks.
yes, the tweaks.
oh, one or two small tweaks.
here.
Want to practice? oh, one or two small tweaks.
here.
Want to practice? sure.
here.
Want to practice? sure.
that's q on the end.
sure.
that's q on the end.
He's cool.
that's q on the end.
He's cool.
Joe's in the middle.
He's cool.
Joe's in the middle.
He's cool.
Joe's in the middle.
He's cool.
This is sal.
He's cool.
He's cool.
This is sal.
He's cool.
I'm a douche.
This is sal.
He's cool.
I'm a douche.
[ laughter .]
I'm a douche.
[ laughter .]
that's [bleep.]
[ laughter .]
that's [bleep.]
you ready to announce to this that's [bleep.]
you ready to announce to this crowd? you ready to announce to this crowd? oh, man.
Crowd? oh, man.
[ laughter .]
oh, man.
[ laughter .]
this is a big show at [ laughter .]
this is a big show at foxwoods.
this is a big show at foxwoods.
this is "legends in concert.
" Foxwoods.
this is "legends in concert.
" i've seen this.
this is "legends in concert.
" i've seen this.
It's like the greatest i've seen this.
It's like the greatest impersonators singing, like, the It's like the greatest impersonators singing, like, the best songs that you ever heard.
Impersonators singing, like, the best songs that you ever heard.
tina turner, michael jackson.
Best songs that you ever heard.
tina turner, michael jackson.
lady gaga.
tina turner, michael jackson.
lady gaga.
lady gaga.
lady gaga.
lady gaga.
getting warmed up by lady gaga.
getting warmed up by james murray.
getting warmed up by james murray.
[ laughter .]
James murray.
[ laughter .]
all right, pal, here we go.
good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Biggity-boom.
Gentlemen.
Biggity-boom.
Welcome to this evening's Biggity-boom.
Welcome to this evening's performance.
Welcome to this evening's performance.
[ applause .]
Performance.
[ applause .]
[ coughing .]
[ applause .]
[ coughing .]
[ laughing .]
[ coughing .]
[ laughing .]
[ clears throat .]
[ laughing .]
[ clears throat .]
fire exits.
[ clears throat .]
fire exits.
Look around.
Fire exits.
Look around.
We have an exit there and there, Look around.
We have an exit there and there, two back there, one over there, We have an exit there and there, two back there, one over there, one right behind me Two back there, one over there, one right behind me [ laughs .]
One right behind me [ laughs .]
[ clears throat .]
[ laughs .]
[ clears throat .]
[ laughing .]
[ clears throat .]
[ laughing .]
oh? [ laughing .]
oh? Oh, i just got an announcement Oh? Oh, i just got an announcement from my stage manager.
Oh, i just got an announcement from my stage manager.
There's a car outside that left From my stage manager.
There's a car outside that left their lights on.
There's a car outside that left their lights on.
License plate 69-fart-69.
Their lights on.
License plate 69-fart-69.
Biggity-boom.
License plate 69-fart-69.
Biggity-boom.
[ feedback .]
Biggity-boom.
[ feedback .]
[ both laugh .]
[ feedback .]
[ both laugh .]
all right, if there's a fire, [ both laugh .]
all right, if there's a fire, remember to stop, drop, and all right, if there's a fire, remember to stop, drop, and roll like so.
Remember to stop, drop, and roll like so.
[ laughing .]
Roll like so.
[ laughing .]
i will now roll.
[ laughing .]
i will now roll.
Just stop, then drop like this, i will now roll.
Just stop, then drop like this, and then just begin to roll.
Just stop, then drop like this, and then just begin to roll.
[ laughter .]
And then just begin to roll.
[ laughter .]
notice i'm still rolling.
[ laughter .]
notice i'm still rolling.
Thanks.
Notice i'm still rolling.
Thanks.
That's it.
Thanks.
That's it.
[ clears throat loudly .]
That's it.
[ clears throat loudly .]
i'm sorry.
[ clears throat loudly .]
i'm sorry.
Thinking maybe it's my I'm sorry.
Thinking maybe it's my Sorry.
Thinking maybe it's my Sorry.
[ burps .]
Sorry.
[ burps .]
oh.
[ burps .]
[ burps .]
oh.
[ burps .]
oh, god.
Oh.
Oh.
[ burps .]
oh, god.
Oh.
Sorry about that.
Oh, god.
Oh.
Sorry about that.
pbht! Sorry about that.
pbht! [ audience murmuring .]
pbht! [ audience murmuring .]
i'm gonna ask for quiet, please.
[ audience murmuring .]
i'm gonna ask for quiet, please.
I said quiet! I'm gonna ask for quiet, please.
I said quiet! [ sighs .]
I said quiet! [ sighs .]
who here wants to hear a [ sighs .]
who here wants to hear a black joke? [ audience booing .]
Thank you, everyone, and enjoy the show.
[ upbeat music plays .]
pkk pkk pkk! [ laughing .]
narrator: And which joker has [ laughing .]
narrator: And which joker has a leading role in tonight's narrator: And which joker has a leading role in tonight's punishment? A leading role in tonight's punishment? [ audience booing .]
Punishment? [ audience booing .]
prepare for something [ audience booing .]
prepare for something amazing.
prepare for something amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? Amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
i want my mommy! [ laughter .]
i want my mommy! [ laughter .]
i want my mommy! [ laughter .]
i will never forgive you! [ laughter .]
i will never forgive you! larry! i will never forgive you! larry! [ laughter .]
today, we're working stadium security at the brooklyn cyclones baseball game.
Security at the brooklyn cyclones baseball game.
while keeping the place Cyclones baseball game.
while keeping the place secure, we got to do and say while keeping the place secure, we got to do and say what the other guys tell us.
and if you refuse, you lose.
[ wand beeping .]
balls of steel.
[ wand beeping .]
balls of steel.
[ laughter .]
balls of steel.
[ laughter .]
all right, buddy, here we go.
[ laughter .]
all right, buddy, here we go.
Start some static with a kid.
all right, buddy, here we go.
Start some static with a kid.
yeah, hey, hey.
Start some static with a kid.
yeah, hey, hey.
[ wand beeps .]
yeah, hey, hey.
[ wand beeps .]
hold on one sec, buddy.
[ wand beeps .]
hold on one sec, buddy.
What's up? What's the story? Hold on one sec, buddy.
What's up? What's the story? you here to start some you here to start some trouble or? no.
Trouble or? no.
i saw you eyeballing me from no.
i saw you eyeballing me from across the -- the yard.
i saw you eyeballing me from across the -- the yard.
maybe.
Across the -- the yard.
maybe.
what? Maybe? maybe.
what? Maybe? [ laughing .]
what? Maybe? [ laughing .]
all right, don't start [ laughing .]
all right, don't start nothing, there won't be nothing.
all right, don't start nothing, there won't be nothing.
all right.
Nothing, there won't be nothing.
all right.
all right, you're a good boy.
all right.
all right, you're a good boy.
Go make nice friends.
all right, you're a good boy.
Go make nice friends.
[ laughter .]
Go make nice friends.
[ laughter .]
sal, straight ahead.
[ laughter .]
sal, straight ahead.
this lady.
sal, straight ahead.
this lady.
Start gossiping to her.
this lady.
Start gossiping to her.
we have a worker here -- his Start gossiping to her.
we have a worker here -- his name's bob.
we have a worker here -- his name's bob.
I think he's sleeping with our Name's bob.
I think he's sleeping with our boss.
I think he's sleeping with our boss.
gary, our boss.
Boss.
gary, our boss.
gary.
gary, our boss.
gary.
gary.
gary.
gary.
[ laughter .]
gary.
[ laughter .]
and then these girls, all [ laughter .]
and then these girls, all with the shorts.
and then these girls, all with the shorts.
you see these ones with the With the shorts.
you see these ones with the shorts over here? you see these ones with the shorts over here? i wore the shorts two weeks Shorts over here? i wore the shorts two weeks ago, and now everybody's copying i wore the shorts two weeks ago, and now everybody's copying me.
Ago, and now everybody's copying me.
i wore those shorts two weeks Me.
i wore those shorts two weeks ago.
i wore those shorts two weeks ago.
Now they're copying me.
Ago.
Now they're copying me.
i got an ass that don't quit.
Now they're copying me.
i got an ass that don't quit.
oh.
i got an ass that don't quit.
oh.
[ laughter .]
oh.
[ laughter .]
i got -- [ laughter .]
i got -- [ groans .]
I got -- [ groans .]
[ laughter .]
[ groans .]
[ laughter .]
i got an ass that don't quit.
[ laughter .]
i got an ass that don't quit.
[ laughter .]
I got an ass that don't quit.
[ laughter .]
i'm tripping balls right now.
[ laughter .]
i'm tripping balls right now.
[ laughter .]
i'm tripping balls right now.
[ laughter .]
[ chuckling .]
[ laughter .]
[ chuckling .]
hoo! I'm trippin' balls right [ chuckling .]
hoo! I'm trippin' balls right now, lady.
Hoo! I'm trippin' balls right now, lady.
[ laughter .]
Now, lady.
[ laughter .]
[ wand beeping .]
[ laughter .]
[ wand beeping .]
stop this lady.
Stop her.
[ wand beeping .]
stop this lady.
Stop her.
stop, stop, stop.
stop this lady.
Stop her.
stop, stop, stop.
Whoa! stop, stop, stop.
Whoa! whoa.
Can't bring those bombs Whoa! whoa.
Can't bring those bombs in here.
whoa.
Can't bring those bombs in here.
can't go -- oh, no! In here.
can't go -- oh, no! [ laughter .]
can't go -- oh, no! [ laughter .]
got him! [ laughter .]
got him! He didn't see it coming! got him! He didn't see it coming! Boom! joey hmm.
Turn the wand off.
hmm.
Turn the wand off.
Do all the beeping with your Turn the wand off.
Do all the beeping with your mouth.
Do all the beeping with your mouth.
[ chuckles .]
Mouth.
[ chuckles .]
hi, guys.
You got checked? [ chuckles .]
hi, guys.
You got checked? yeah.
Hi, guys.
You got checked? yeah.
beep! yeah.
beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! [ laughing .]
Beep! [ laughing .]
beep! [ laughing .]
beep! Beep! beep! Beep! joe, make it go crazy.
Beep! joe, make it go crazy.
beep-beep, beep, beep! joe, make it go crazy.
beep-beep, beep, beep! Beep-beep, beep, beep! beep-beep, beep, beep! Beep-beep, beep, beep! Beep, beep! Beep-beep, beep, beep! Beep, beep! [ laughter .]
Beep, beep! [ laughter .]
beep beep! [ laughter .]
beep beep! Beep beep, beep-beep! beep beep! Beep beep, beep-beep! You're all good.
Beep beep, beep-beep! You're all good.
[ laughter .]
say, "up your ass, to the left.
" [ laughter .]
Left.
" [ laughter .]
oh, yeah, no, it's up your [ laughter .]
oh, yeah, no, it's up your ass to the left up here.
oh, yeah, no, it's up your ass to the left up here.
oh, okay.
Ass to the left up here.
oh, okay.
So i would have to go through oh, okay.
So i would have to go through the So i would have to go through the directly over and then The directly over and then directly up the ass up the -- directly over and then directly up the ass up the -- right up your actual ass.
Directly up the ass up the -- right up your actual ass.
i'm just saying actually -- right up your actual ass.
i'm just saying actually -- up your actual [bleep.]
and to i'm just saying actually -- up your actual [bleep.]
and to the left, there.
Up your actual [bleep.]
and to the left, there.
[ laughing .]
The left, there.
[ laughing .]
your ass [bleep.]
and then a [ laughing .]
your ass [bleep.]
and then a left.
your ass [bleep.]
and then a left.
[ laughter .]
Left.
[ laughter .]
hey, man, how's it going? [ laughter .]
hey, man, how's it going? hey.
Hey, man, how's it going? hey.
good.
Real quick.
hey.
good.
Real quick.
joe, just paddle between his good.
Real quick.
joe, just paddle between his thighs, back and forth.
joe, just paddle between his thighs, back and forth.
spread the legs a little bit.
Thighs, back and forth.
spread the legs a little bit.
there you go.
spread the legs a little bit.
there you go.
there you go.
there you go.
there you go.
That's it.
there you go.
That's it.
lookit! That's it.
lookit! Look at this! lookit! Look at this! [ laughter .]
Look at this! [ laughter .]
yeah, almost there.
[ laughter .]
yeah, almost there.
[ both laugh .]
yeah, almost there.
[ both laugh .]
sometimes it doesn't go -- [ both laugh .]
sometimes it doesn't go -- it doesn't go off sometimes.
Sometimes it doesn't go -- it doesn't go off sometimes.
look at what's going on! It doesn't go off sometimes.
look at what's going on! did you hit traffic today, or look at what's going on! did you hit traffic today, or you did all right? did you hit traffic today, or you did all right? no, we were good.
You did all right? no, we were good.
you take the train in or you no, we were good.
you take the train in or you drove? you take the train in or you drove? now turn him around and get Drove? now turn him around and get him from the back.
now turn him around and get him from the back.
you can just turn around.
Him from the back.
you can just turn around.
[ laughter .]
you can just turn around.
[ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
all right, murr.
yeah.
you got to inspect someone yeah.
you got to inspect someone with that little wand of yours, you got to inspect someone with that little wand of yours, but you got to do crazy wand.
With that little wand of yours, but you got to do crazy wand.
Yeah, wave your hand around, But you got to do crazy wand.
Yeah, wave your hand around, make it, you know, crazy wand.
Yeah, wave your hand around, make it, you know, crazy wand.
sir, do you mind just real sir, do you mind just real quick? Just real quick.
Quick? Just real quick.
[ wand beeping .]
Just real quick.
[ wand beeping .]
[ laughing .]
[ wand beeping .]
[ laughing .]
oh! [ laughing .]
oh! he just [bleep.]
hit him in oh! he just [bleep.]
hit him in the -- he just [bleep.]
hit him in the -- he just hit him The -- he just hit him We didn't say assault the guy! He just hit him We didn't say assault the guy! oh, geez.
We didn't say assault the guy! oh, geez.
hey, murr, hold up that wand oh, geez.
hey, murr, hold up that wand so we can see it.
hey, murr, hold up that wand so we can see it.
That's it.
So we can see it.
That's it.
I want you to get that down the That's it.
I want you to get that down the back of someone's pants.
I want you to get that down the back of someone's pants.
no! Back of someone's pants.
no! just anybody you want, buddy.
no! just anybody you want, buddy.
Go right ahead -- right down the just anybody you want, buddy.
Go right ahead -- right down the back of their pants.
Go right ahead -- right down the back of their pants.
> okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Back of their pants.
> okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
[ laughter .]
> okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
[ laughter .]
oh, geez.
[ laughter .]
oh, geez.
Sir, you mind if i just check Oh, geez.
Sir, you mind if i just check real quick? Sir, you mind if i just check real quick? Is that okay? Real quick? Is that okay? Thank you.
Is that okay? Thank you.
[ wand beeping .]
Thank you.
[ wand beeping .]
all right, here we go.
Do you have something in the back pocket at all? Do you mind if i just lift up Back pocket at all? Do you mind if i just lift up the shirt just for one sec? Do you mind if i just lift up the shirt just for one sec? Let me see.
The shirt just for one sec? Let me see.
Let me just Let me see.
Let me just [ wand beeps .]
Let me just [ wand beeps .]
just real quick, let me see.
Just real quick, let me see.
All right, just take a quick -- just real -- All right, just take a quick -- just real -- i just want to -- Just real -- i just want to -- you know, you're allowed to I just want to -- you know, you're allowed to refuse things.
you know, you're allowed to refuse things.
just real quick.
Refuse things.
just real quick.
It's just -- just real quick.
It's just -- [ wand beeping .]
It's just -- [ wand beeping .]
you and i are gonna get through [ wand beeping .]
you and i are gonna get through this together.
You and i are gonna get through this together.
Let me go from underneath.
This together.
Let me go from underneath.
[ laughter .]
Let me go from underneath.
[ laughter .]
no good! [ laughter .]
no good! i tried.
no good! i tried.
can't get it! q, this guy here.
yeah.
let him know that sexy yeah.
let him know that sexy recognizes sexy, playah! let him know that sexy recognizes sexy, playah! [ laughter .]
Recognizes sexy, playah! [ laughter .]
yo, sir, sir.
yo, sir, sir.
Sexy recognizes sexy, playah.
there you go.
Sexy recognizes sexy, playah.
there you go.
[ laughter .]
there you go.
[ laughter .]
excuse me, ladies.
[ laughter .]
excuse me, ladies.
excuse me, ladies.
excuse me, ladies.
excuse me, ladies.
are you hiding drugs in your excuse me, ladies.
are you hiding drugs in your tuchus? are you hiding drugs in your tuchus? [ laughter .]
Tuchus? [ laughter .]
i don't know if they -- [ laughter .]
i don't know if they -- i don't know if they asked you i don't know if they -- i don't know if they asked you at the front gate, but, uh I don't know if they asked you at the front gate, but, uh Are you, uh At the front gate, but, uh Are you, uh hummina, hummina, hummina.
Are you, uh hummina, hummina, hummina.
[ laughter .]
hummina, hummina, hummina.
[ laughter .]
get to it.
[ laughter .]
get to it.
oh! get to it.
oh! are you sneaking drugs in in oh! are you sneaking drugs in in your tuchus? are you sneaking drugs in in your tuchus? would you like to check? Your tuchus? would you like to check? [ laughter .]
would you like to check? [ laughter .]
yes? [ laughter .]
yes? yes.
Yes? yes.
[ both laugh .]
yes.
[ both laugh .]
come on.
Come on.
[ both laugh .]
come on.
Come on.
We're gonna go right to the Come on.
Come on.
We're gonna go right to the tuchus-checking area.
We're gonna go right to the tuchus-checking area.
All right, we're gonna check Tuchus-checking area.
All right, we're gonna check that tuchus out.
All right, we're gonna check that tuchus out.
All right, you got it.
That tuchus out.
All right, you got it.
[ laughter .]
All right, you got it.
[ laughter .]
incoming! [ laughter .]
incoming! [ ding! .]
Incoming! [ ding! .]
narrator: Ladies and [ ding! .]
narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, murr and sal have narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, murr and sal have been escorted out of the stadium Gentlemen, murr and sal have been escorted out of the stadium and onto the loser board.
Been escorted out of the stadium and onto the loser board.
today, we're teaming up as And onto the loser board.
today, we're teaming up as crime-scene experts, giving today, we're teaming up as crime-scene experts, giving presentations on forensic Crime-scene experts, giving presentations on forensic science.
Presentations on forensic science.
the thing is, the Science.
the thing is, the presentation has been made by the thing is, the presentation has been made by the other team.
at the end, we'll ask the group to raise their hands if they learned anything of value.
Group to raise their hands if they learned anything of value.
whichever team gets the They learned anything of value.
whichever team gets the fewest hands raised loses.
whichever team gets the fewest hands raised loses.
you guys smell something? Fewest hands raised loses.
you guys smell something? barbecue.
you guys smell something? barbecue.
yeah! Barbecue! come on in.
Have a seat.
Hello, hello.
My name is joe gatto.
Have a seat.
Hello, hello.
My name is joe gatto.
hi.
I'm brian quinn.
My name is joe gatto.
hi.
I'm brian quinn.
How are you? hi.
I'm brian quinn.
How are you? we are forensics experts.
How are you? we are forensics experts.
So we're just gonna talk you we are forensics experts.
So we're just gonna talk you through some of the basics of a So we're just gonna talk you through some of the basics of a crime scene.
Through some of the basics of a crime scene.
what's the first thing that what's the first thing that people see when they walk in to a crime scene? People see when they walk in to a crime scene? what's the first thing that A crime scene? what's the first thing that most people see when they walk what's the first thing that most people see when they walk in to a crime scene? yes, that's right.
you guys, show them the chalk outline.
you guys, show them the chalk outline.
[ laughing .]
Outline.
[ laughing .]
so, we're gonna show you a [ laughing .]
so, we're gonna show you a couple examples of these real so, we're gonna show you a couple examples of these real chalk outlines.
Couple examples of these real chalk outlines.
for instance.
Chalk outlines.
for instance.
[ laughs .]
for instance.
[ laughs .]
okay.
[ laughs .]
okay.
So, this happened in a club in okay.
So, this happened in a club in the village.
So, this happened in a club in the village.
[ both laugh .]
The village.
[ both laugh .]
that's "ymca.
" [ both laugh .]
that's "ymca.
" we actually thought it was an that's "ymca.
" we actually thought it was an officer down because this guy we actually thought it was an officer down because this guy was dressed as a cop.
Officer down because this guy was dressed as a cop.
no, that's the indian.
Was dressed as a cop.
no, that's the indian.
turned out that it was -- no, that's the indian.
turned out that it was -- the cop's on the end.
turned out that it was -- the cop's on the end.
oh, that was the cop down the cop's on the end.
oh, that was the cop down there.
Okay.
oh, that was the cop down there.
Okay.
the cop is the "a.
" There.
Okay.
the cop is the "a.
" everyone knows that.
the cop is the "a.
" everyone knows that.
his timing was actually Everyone knows that.
his timing was actually perfect.
his timing was actually perfect.
Took them all down.
Perfect.
Took them all down.
Basically, the killer came in, Took them all down.
Basically, the killer came in, and he was like, "dnt, dnt, dnt, Basically, the killer came in, and he was like, "dnt, dnt, dnt, dnt! And he was like, "dnt, dnt, dnt, dnt! [ laughing .]
Dnt! [ laughing .]
let's go to the next one.
[ laughing .]
let's go to the next one.
uh let's go to the next one.
uh Oh.
Well, okay.
uh Oh.
Well, okay.
[ both laugh .]
Oh.
Well, okay.
[ both laugh .]
[ chuckles .]
[ both laugh .]
[ chuckles .]
now, we all know what this [ chuckles .]
now, we all know what this looks like.
now, we all know what this looks like.
what that was was a stabbing.
Looks like.
what that was was a stabbing.
yes.
what that was was a stabbing.
yes.
and he got stabbed with a yes.
and he got stabbed with a knife and he got stabbed with a knife yeah.
Knife yeah.
Right there.
yeah.
Right there.
[ both laugh .]
Right there.
[ both laugh .]
so that's our chalk outlines.
[ both laugh .]
so that's our chalk outlines.
let's talk about eyewitness so that's our chalk outlines.
let's talk about eyewitness accounts.
let's talk about eyewitness accounts.
well, a big thing that that Accounts.
well, a big thing that that brings up, actually, is well, a big thing that that brings up, actually, is eyewitness accounts.
Brings up, actually, is eyewitness accounts.
oh, eyewitness accounts.
Eyewitness accounts.
oh, eyewitness accounts.
why don't you guys show them oh, eyewitness accounts.
why don't you guys show them some sample sketches? why don't you guys show them some sample sketches? so, we're gonna show you some Some sample sketches? so, we're gonna show you some sample sketches.
so, we're gonna show you some sample sketches.
First one.
Sample sketches.
First one.
here's the first one.
First one.
here's the first one.
this is geronimo valdez.
here's the first one.
this is geronimo valdez.
his street name was this is geronimo valdez.
his street name was geronimo valdez.
his street name was geronimo valdez.
Real low-level scumbag, this Geronimo valdez.
Real low-level scumbag, this guy.
Real low-level scumbag, this guy.
[ both laugh .]
Guy.
[ both laugh .]
this is tony gunk.
[ both laugh .]
this is tony gunk.
tony gunk.
this is tony gunk.
tony gunk.
that's tony gunk.
tony gunk.
that's tony gunk.
tony gunk.
that's tony gunk.
tony gunk.
Uh tony gunk.
Uh H-how would you describe Uh H-how would you describe tony gunk? H-how would you describe tony gunk? heavyset.
Mm-hmm.
Tony gunk? heavyset.
Mm-hmm.
[ both laugh .]
heavyset.
Mm-hmm.
[ both laugh .]
shaggy hair, heavyset.
[ both laugh .]
shaggy hair, heavyset.
Mm-hmm.
Shaggy hair, heavyset.
Mm-hmm.
You know what? Mm-hmm.
You know what? It is really uncanny.
You know what? It is really uncanny.
yeah.
It is really uncanny.
yeah.
[ laughter .]
yeah.
[ laughter .]
t-gunk! [ laughter .]
t-gunk! t-gunk! t-gunk! t-gunk! tony gunk.
t-gunk! tony gunk.
all right, we're gonna talk tony gunk.
all right, we're gonna talk to you about a couple of real all right, we're gonna talk to you about a couple of real cases we handled.
To you about a couple of real cases we handled.
Uh, 2004 Cases we handled.
Uh, 2004 in 2004 Uh, 2004 in 2004 A man was murdered in 2004 A man was murdered This man was murdered A man was murdered This man was murdered At a bus stop This man was murdered At a bus stop At a bus stop At a bus stop At a bus stop About the bus schedule.
At a bus stop About the bus schedule.
what was it about again? About the bus schedule.
what was it about again? uh, it was about the bus what was it about again? uh, it was about the bus schedule.
uh, it was about the bus schedule.
oh, that's right.
Schedule.
oh, that's right.
so reenact the -- the crime.
oh, that's right.
so reenact the -- the crime.
um, do you know what time the so reenact the -- the crime.
um, do you know what time the bus comes? um, do you know what time the bus comes? uh, yeah.
Bus comes? uh, yeah.
It's here at 1:00.
uh, yeah.
It's here at 1:00.
sign says 1:10, bro.
It's here at 1:00.
sign says 1:10, bro.
oh, dude, i'm sorry.
I -- sign says 1:10, bro.
oh, dude, i'm sorry.
I -- you deserve to die.
oh, dude, i'm sorry.
I -- you deserve to die.
well, i'm not worried about you deserve to die.
well, i'm not worried about that.
well, i'm not worried about that.
It's broad daylight.
That.
It's broad daylight.
[ laughing .]
It's broad daylight.
[ laughing .]
in my backpack, i have this [ laughing .]
in my backpack, i have this large machete.
in my backpack, i have this large machete.
oh, god, no.
Large machete.
oh, god, no.
Aah! oh, god, no.
Aah! Ohh! It was 10 minutes! Aah! Ohh! It was 10 minutes! This is awful! Ohh! It was 10 minutes! This is awful! my arm! This is awful! my arm! Aah! I'm in four pieces! my arm! Aah! I'm in four pieces! [ laughs .]
Aah! I'm in four pieces! [ laughs .]
the bus is 1:10! [ laughs .]
the bus is 1:10! And he repeatedly stabbed the the bus is 1:10! And he repeatedly stabbed the carcass.
And he repeatedly stabbed the carcass.
What do we learn here? Carcass.
What do we learn here? [ both laugh .]
What do we learn here? [ both laugh .]
know what time the bus arrives.
[ both laugh .]
know what time the bus arrives.
[ laughing .]
Know what time the bus arrives.
[ laughing .]
do you feel like you learned [ laughing .]
do you feel like you learned something new here today? do you feel like you learned something new here today? Show of hands.
Something new here today? Show of hands.
show of hands, please.
Show of hands.
show of hands, please.
show of hands, please.
oh, no! oh, no! all right.
oh, no! all right.
wow! all right.
wow! what the [bleep.]
did they wow! what the [bleep.]
did they possibly learn? what the [bleep.]
did they possibly learn? oh, good.
Possibly learn? oh, good.
Then our job is done, tony gunk.
oh, good.
Then our job is done, tony gunk.
all right! Then our job is done, tony gunk.
all right! [ ding! .]
how are you? Welcome.
A lot of what we'll do tonight is talk about the different A lot of what we'll do tonight is talk about the different parts of the investigative Is talk about the different parts of the investigative process.
Parts of the investigative process.
just say, "has everybody here just say, "has everybody here seen evidence bags?" has everyone here seen Seen evidence bags?" has everyone here seen evidence bags -- proper police has everyone here seen evidence bags -- proper police evidence bags? Evidence bags -- proper police evidence bags? we actually brought some for Evidence bags? we actually brought some for you guys to take a look at.
we actually brought some for you guys to take a look at.
we actually brought some so You guys to take a look at.
we actually brought some so you can take a look at them.
we actually brought some so you can take a look at them.
sal, grab that brown box.
You can take a look at them.
sal, grab that brown box.
okay.
Here we go.
sal, grab that brown box.
okay.
Here we go.
so, sal just got back from okay.
Here we go.
so, sal just got back from vacation.
so, sal just got back from vacation.
He made the mistake of leaving Vacation.
He made the mistake of leaving his luggage on set.
He made the mistake of leaving his luggage on set.
so, here we have His luggage on set.
so, here we have A box of evidence that was so, here we have A box of evidence that was catalogued from a local A box of evidence that was catalogued from a local precinct.
Catalogued from a local precinct.
Uh Precinct.
Uh yeah, we went through your Uh yeah, we went through your luggage that you left back here yeah, we went through your luggage that you left back here and heat-sealed everything.
Luggage that you left back here and heat-sealed everything.
this is a fitted 7 3/8 yankee And heat-sealed everything.
this is a fitted 7 3/8 yankee cap.
this is a fitted 7 3/8 yankee cap.
Well broken in.
Cap.
Well broken in.
Um, this is great.
Well broken in.
Um, this is great.
Okay.
Let's keep going.
Um, this is great.
Okay.
Let's keep going.
what else you got in that Okay.
Let's keep going.
what else you got in that evidence box, buddy? what else you got in that evidence box, buddy? What else you got in there? Evidence box, buddy? What else you got in there? oh, god.
What else you got in there? oh, god.
'course, yeah.
oh, god.
'course, yeah.
So, this is a belt.
'course, yeah.
So, this is a belt.
It's a brown leather belt.
So, this is a belt.
It's a brown leather belt.
I got it at h&m.
It's a brown leather belt.
I got it at h&m.
wait.
I got it at h&m.
wait.
The perp got it at -- wait.
The perp got it at -- perp got it at h&m.
The perp got it at -- perp got it at h&m.
[ both laugh .]
perp got it at h&m.
[ both laugh .]
says h&m on it.
[ both laugh .]
says h&m on it.
UhThis is his glasses.
Says h&m on it.
UhThis is his glasses.
And this is his head-- UhThis is his glasses.
And this is his head-- headphones, which he doesn't And this is his head-- headphones, which he doesn't like people to touch 'cause it Headphones, which he doesn't like people to touch 'cause it goes in his ears.
Like people to touch 'cause it goes in his ears.
[ both laugh .]
Goes in his ears.
[ both laugh .]
they're all vacuum-sealed.
[ both laugh .]
they're all vacuum-sealed.
oh, they're they're all vacuum-sealed.
oh, they're Oh, these are oh, they're Oh, these are wait.
Oh, these are wait.
oh, these are all wait.
oh, these are all vacuum-sealed.
oh, these are all vacuum-sealed.
they're legitimately Vacuum-sealed.
they're legitimately vacuum-sealed.
they're legitimately vacuum-sealed.
you can't open it, right, Vacuum-sealed.
you can't open it, right, sal? you can't open it, right, sal? Try to open it.
Sal? Try to open it.
oh.
Try to open it.
oh.
[ both laugh .]
oh.
[ both laugh .]
and you can't -- [ both laugh .]
and you can't -- you can't open these.
And you can't -- you can't open these.
it's unopenable.
You can't open these.
it's unopenable.
[ both laugh .]
it's unopenable.
[ both laugh .]
we're grown men.
[ both laugh .]
we're grown men.
[ both laugh .]
we're grown men.
[ both laugh .]
okay, murr, it's time for you [ both laugh .]
okay, murr, it's time for you to test the audience.
okay, murr, it's time for you to test the audience.
i'm going to give you guys a To test the audience.
i'm going to give you guys a little test.
i'm going to give you guys a little test.
look down there.
Little test.
look down there.
There's a little canister of look down there.
There's a little canister of potato chips.
There's a little canister of potato chips.
so, there's -- we have potato Potato chips.
so, there's -- we have potato chips over here.
so, there's -- we have potato chips over here.
so i'm gonna give you guys a Chips over here.
so i'm gonna give you guys a little fingerprint test.
so i'm gonna give you guys a little fingerprint test.
we're going to give a little Little fingerprint test.
we're going to give a little oh! we're going to give a little oh! [ both laugh .]
Oh! [ both laugh .]
holy [bleep.]
[ both laugh .]
holy [bleep.]
you were supposed to give it Holy [bleep.]
you were supposed to give it to the guy, and he was supposed you were supposed to give it to the guy, and he was supposed to open it.
To the guy, and he was supposed to open it.
You opened it, you dope.
To open it.
You opened it, you dope.
[ laughs .]
You opened it, you dope.
[ laughs .]
guys, grab that tray for a [ laughs .]
guys, grab that tray for a blood-spatter examination.
Guys, grab that tray for a blood-spatter examination.
the last thing we'd like to Blood-spatter examination.
the last thing we'd like to talk about is, uh the last thing we'd like to talk about is, uh how you measure blood Talk about is, uh how you measure blood splatter.
how you measure blood splatter.
yes.
Now, another part of Splatter.
yes.
Now, another part of forensics is physics.
yes.
Now, another part of forensics is physics.
use that yarn to do the Forensics is physics.
use that yarn to do the trajectory of the bullet.
use that yarn to do the trajectory of the bullet.
right.
Trajectory of the bullet.
right.
let's say the bullet entered right.
let's say the bullet entered my chest -- let's say the bullet entered my chest -- if it's coming from here.
My chest -- if it's coming from here.
now, where does the blood go? if it's coming from here.
now, where does the blood go? let me show you.
now, where does the blood go? let me show you.
Fill your mouth with water.
let me show you.
Fill your mouth with water.
bend down.
Fill your mouth with water.
bend down.
Yeah.
bend down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
mm-hmm.
Yeah.
mm-hmm.
so, if i'm like, "freeze.
" mm-hmm.
so, if i'm like, "freeze.
" and now just spit-take all so, if i'm like, "freeze.
" and now just spit-take all over sal.
and now just spit-take all over sal.
Bang! Over sal.
Bang! boom! Boom! Bang! boom! Boom! [ both laugh .]
now, sal, a head shot's totally different.
oh-ho-ho.
Totally different.
oh-ho-ho.
so, if he shot me here in the oh-ho-ho.
so, if he shot me here in the head, and i was standing this so, if he shot me here in the head, and i was standing this way Head, and i was standing this way [ both laugh .]
Way [ both laugh .]
right in his face, sal.
[ both laugh .]
right in his face, sal.
murray, bang.
right in his face, sal.
murray, bang.
bang! murray, bang.
bang! Oh! bang! Oh! [ both laugh .]
Oh! [ both laugh .]
we're talking about a single [ both laugh .]
we're talking about a single shot.
we're talking about a single shot.
A machine gun could do anything Shot.
A machine gun could do anything like that.
A machine gun could do anything like that.
[ both laugh .]
Like that.
[ both laugh .]
by show of hands [ both laugh .]
by show of hands yes.
by show of hands yes.
How many of you think yes.
How many of you think you've learned something of How many of you think you've learned something of value today? You've learned something of value today? just one? Value today? just one? so just one? just one? so just one? hey, guys, you're all wet.
so just one? hey, guys, you're all wet.
[ buzzer .]
hey, guys, you're all wet.
[ buzzer .]
narrator: Murr and sal were [ buzzer .]
narrator: Murr and sal were shot down, so their dna is all narrator: Murr and sal were shot down, so their dna is all over the loser board.
Shot down, so their dna is all over the loser board.
we're back again in the park, Over the loser board.
we're back again in the park, putting all new strangers we're back again in the park, putting all new strangers through a series of unfortunate Putting all new strangers through a series of unfortunate events.
Through a series of unfortunate events.
while chatting up a stranger, Events.
while chatting up a stranger, the guys will give us an action, while chatting up a stranger, the guys will give us an action, then another one, and then The guys will give us an action, then another one, and then another one.
Then another one, and then another one.
every time we get a new Another one.
every time we get a new action, we have to redo the every time we get a new action, we have to redo the previous actions first.
the goal is to remember and perform as many commands as you can.
Perform as many commands as you can.
Whoever performs the least, Can.
Whoever performs the least, loses.
Whoever performs the least, loses.
narrator: It's joe and murr Loses.
narrator: It's joe and murr with a joker vs.
Joker narrator: It's joe and murr with a joker vs.
Joker challenge.
With a joker vs.
Joker challenge.
[ sighs .]
Challenge.
[ sighs .]
oh, he's in it.
[ sighs .]
oh, he's in it.
where you from? oh, he's in it.
where you from? Mexico? Nice, nice.
where you from? Mexico? Nice, nice.
joe, you got to make a peeps? Mexico? Nice, nice.
joe, you got to make a peeps? [ laughter .]
joe, you got to make a peeps? [ laughter .]
that's the first thing he's [ laughter .]
that's the first thing he's got to say? that's the first thing he's got to say? the first thing.
Got to say? the first thing.
That's the thing he has to the first thing.
That's the thing he has to repeat every time.
That's the thing he has to repeat every time.
[ laughs .]
Repeat every time.
[ laughs .]
i got to make a peeps.
[ laughs .]
i got to make a peeps.
I got to make a peeps, but i got to make a peeps.
I got to make a peeps, but before that, i come and sit in I got to make a peeps, but before that, i come and sit in the park, take a look around.
Before that, i come and sit in the park, take a look around.
joe, slap your neck like The park, take a look around.
joe, slap your neck like you're killing a mosquito.
joe, slap your neck like you're killing a mosquito.
new york's a -- You're killing a mosquito.
new york's a -- yeah, new york's a great place new york's a -- yeah, new york's a great place to spend some times, and i Yeah, new york's a great place to spend some times, and i really got to make a peeps.
To spend some times, and i really got to make a peeps.
[ laughter .]
Really got to make a peeps.
[ laughter .]
i'm gonna make him look [ laughter .]
i'm gonna make him look crazy.
i'm gonna make him look crazy.
Joe, do a dolphin impersonation.
Crazy.
Joe, do a dolphin impersonation.
Enh enh enh! Joe, do a dolphin impersonation.
Enh enh enh! [ laughter .]
Enh enh enh! [ laughter .]
no mercy! [ laughter .]
no mercy! i really got to make a peeps, no mercy! i really got to make a peeps, and it just keeps me moving.
i really got to make a peeps, and it just keeps me moving.
Um, you're from mexico, right? And it just keeps me moving.
Um, you're from mexico, right? They got the dolphins down Um, you're from mexico, right? They got the dolphins down there? They got the dolphins down there? Enh enh enh! There? Enh enh enh! no.
Enh enh enh! no.
[ laughter .]
no.
[ laughter .]
talk out of your butt like [ laughter .]
talk out of your butt like ace ventura.
talk out of your butt like ace ventura.
[ laughter .]
there's no water? Oh, yeah? yes.
Oh, yeah? yes.
i got to make a peeps.
yes.
i got to make a peeps.
That's all i'm really -- really i got to make a peeps.
That's all i'm really -- really think-- That's all i'm really -- really think-- thinking about.
Think-- thinking about.
Um Thinking about.
Um [ laughter .]
Um [ laughter .]
but all the dangers that you [ laughter .]
but all the dangers that you have there, i mean, i would want But all the dangers that you have there, i mean, i would want to be a dolphin in those Have there, i mean, i would want to be a dolphin in those situations.
To be a dolphin in those situations.
Be able to swim! Situations.
Be able to swim! Enh enh enh! Be able to swim! Enh enh enh! You know? Enh enh enh! You know? I wouldn't want to be -- i You know? I wouldn't want to be -- i wouldn't want to be scared I wouldn't want to be -- i wouldn't want to be scared about, you know, the volcano.
Wouldn't want to be scared about, you know, the volcano.
That would scare the -- About, you know, the volcano.
That would scare the -- that would scare the ass out of That would scare the -- that would scare the ass out of me! That would scare the ass out of me! [ laughter .]
Me! [ laughter .]
you could do anything once.
[ laughter .]
you could do anything once.
yeah, that's right, right, you could do anything once.
yeah, that's right, right, right.
yeah, that's right, right, right.
Joe, scream, "g-o-o-o-o-o-oal! Right.
Joe, scream, "g-o-o-o-o-o-oal! i got to really make this Joe, scream, "g-o-o-o-o-o-oal! i got to really make this peeps.
i got to really make this peeps.
Uh Peeps.
Uh there's that damn mosquito.
Uh there's that damn mosquito.
there's part of america, you there's that damn mosquito.
there's part of america, you know, like california -- they there's part of america, you know, like california -- they got the dolphins -- Know, like california -- they got the dolphins -- enh enh enh enh! Got the dolphins -- enh enh enh enh! You know, they got the dolphins Enh enh enh enh! You know, they got the dolphins down there.
You know, they got the dolphins down there.
You could go see them.
Down there.
You could go see them.
You know, but then there's other You could go see them.
You know, but then there's other places that -- You know, but then there's other places that -- there's a lot of pollution, and Places that -- there's a lot of pollution, and they're just like, "smells like There's a lot of pollution, and they're just like, "smells like ass!" They're just like, "smells like ass!" you know? Ass!" you know? That's the worst.
You know? That's the worst.
[ laughing .]
That's the worst.
[ laughing .]
oh, you're gonna get going [ laughing .]
oh, you're gonna get going soon? oh, you're gonna get going soon? Well, buddy, it was -- it was Soon? Well, buddy, it was -- it was nice meeting you.
Well, buddy, it was -- it was nice meeting you.
Uh Nice meeting you.
Uh you forget? Uh you forget? he forgot.
you forget? he forgot.
i wish you best of luck with he forgot.
i wish you best of luck with your travels.
i wish you best of luck with your travels.
is he not remembering? Your travels.
is he not remembering? this is tense.
is he not remembering? this is tense.
i'm gonna get going, so this is tense.
i'm gonna get going, so just -- i'm gonna get going, so just -- joe gatto.
Just -- joe gatto.
All my friends around here call Joe gatto.
All my friends around here call me g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oal! All my friends around here call me g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oal! [ ding! .]
Me g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oal! [ ding! .]
a goal at the buzzer.
[ ding! .]
a goal at the buzzer.
i just moved here like two a goal at the buzzer.
i just moved here like two months ago, and i'm trying to i just moved here like two months ago, and i'm trying to find a good pizzeria, but i Months ago, and i'm trying to find a good pizzeria, but i haven't found anything that i Find a good pizzeria, but i haven't found anything that i like yet.
Haven't found anything that i like yet.
okay, murr, we're gonna start Like yet.
okay, murr, we're gonna start you off nice and easy.
okay, murr, we're gonna start you off nice and easy.
nice and easy.
You off nice and easy.
nice and easy.
little point and shoot.
nice and easy.
little point and shoot.
have you tried that -- what's little point and shoot.
have you tried that -- what's it called? have you tried that -- what's it called? Like, mercato? It called? Like, mercato? mercato.
Got it.
Like, mercato? mercato.
Got it.
[ tongue clicks .]
mercato.
Got it.
[ tongue clicks .]
okay.
So murray's point and [ tongue clicks .]
okay.
So murray's point and shoot, so everyone's clear, okay.
So murray's point and shoot, so everyone's clear, is Shoot, so everyone's clear, is [ tongue clicking .]
Is [ tongue clicking .]
[ both laugh .]
[ tongue clicking .]
[ both laugh .]
we're all on the same page? [ both laugh .]
we're all on the same page? Great.
We're all on the same page? Great.
Let's keep with the finger Great.
Let's keep with the finger theme, and now deep sniff that Let's keep with the finger theme, and now deep sniff that finger.
Theme, and now deep sniff that finger.
[ laughing .]
Finger.
[ laughing .]
where you from? [ laughing .]
where you from? i'm from, like, kansas.
where you from? i'm from, like, kansas.
kansas? Got it.
i'm from, like, kansas.
kansas? Got it.
[ tongue clicks, squeaks .]
kansas? Got it.
[ tongue clicks, squeaks .]
[ laughs.]
[ tongue clicks, squeaks .]
[ laughs.]
[ sniffs deeply .]
[ laughs.]
[ sniffs deeply .]
[ laughter .]
[ sniffs deeply .]
[ laughter .]
murr, do a sassy siren sound.
[ laughter .]
murr, do a sassy siren sound.
look over here, buddy.
murr, do a sassy siren sound.
look over here, buddy.
We'll show you.
look over here, buddy.
We'll show you.
all: Whoo-whoo! We'll show you.
all: Whoo-whoo! i remember, i was here one all: Whoo-whoo! i remember, i was here one time.
i remember, i was here one time.
This guy comes up to me, and Time.
This guy comes up to me, and he's like, "yeah, man, you want This guy comes up to me, and he's like, "yeah, man, you want to buy something?" He's like, "yeah, man, you want to buy something?" [ clicks tongue .]
To buy something?" [ clicks tongue .]
and then, uh -- and then [ clicks tongue .]
and then, uh -- and then [ sniffs deeply .]
And then, uh -- and then [ sniffs deeply .]
I was like -- i was like, [ sniffs deeply .]
I was like -- i was like, "you better get out of here, I was like -- i was like, "you better get out of here, buddy, before" "you better get out of here, buddy, before" whoo-whoo-whoo! Buddy, before" whoo-whoo-whoo! You know, he got pulled away by Whoo-whoo-whoo! You know, he got pulled away by the paddy wagon.
You know, he got pulled away by the paddy wagon.
You know? The paddy wagon.
You know? i got another way to use the You know? i got another way to use the finger.
i got another way to use the finger.
what do you got? Finger.
what do you got? got something on your shirt.
what do you got? got something on your shirt.
Boop! got something on your shirt.
Boop! [ both laugh .]
Boop! [ both laugh .]
you got that, murr? [ both laugh .]
you got that, murr? [ laughter .]
You got that, murr? [ laughter .]
you go to nyu? [ laughter .]
you go to nyu? yeah, i go to nyu.
you go to nyu? yeah, i go to nyu.
oh, cool.
yeah, i go to nyu.
oh, cool.
i'm a math and physics major.
oh, cool.
i'm a math and physics major.
i got it.
i'm a math and physics major.
i got it.
Pkk pkk pkk! i got it.
Pkk pkk pkk! Got it, got it, got it, got it.
Pkk pkk pkk! Got it, got it, got it, got it.
I-i heard that, uh Got it, got it, got it, got it.
I-i heard that, uh So, like, uh I-i heard that, uh So, like, uh Um So, like, uh Um I, uh, can't remember [bleep.]
Um I, uh, can't remember [bleep.]
he can't remember? I, uh, can't remember [bleep.]
he can't remember? [ laught .]
he can't remember? [ laught .]
you're out! [ laught .]
you're out! [ buzzer .]
you're out! [ buzzer .]
narrator: Murr's memory narrator: Murr's memory failed him, so he's off to a punishment he'll never forget.
Failed him, so he's off to a punishment he'll never forget.
murray lost! Punishment he'll never forget.
murray lost! So we are here at murray lost! So we are here at foxwoods resort casino for his So we are here at foxwoods resort casino for his legendary punishment.
Foxwoods resort casino for his legendary punishment.
that's right.
Legendary punishment.
that's right.
You'll be addressing the crowd that's right.
You'll be addressing the crowd at the live tribute show You'll be addressing the crowd at the live tribute show "legends in concert," and you'll At the live tribute show "legends in concert," and you'll be using this microphone, but "legends in concert," and you'll be using this microphone, but the voice coming out of it won't Be using this microphone, but the voice coming out of it won't be yours.
The voice coming out of it won't be yours.
[ laughter .]
Be yours.
[ laughter .]
it's gonna be our voice! [ laughter .]
it's gonna be our voice! You get it? it's gonna be our voice! You get it? Our voice comes out of the mike! You get it? Our voice comes out of the mike! i get it, i get it.
Our voice comes out of the mike! i get it, i get it.
i will be reading off i get it, i get it.
i will be reading off official foxwoods preshow i will be reading off official foxwoods preshow announcements with tweaks that Official foxwoods preshow announcements with tweaks that we've made.
Announcements with tweaks that we've made.
yes, the tweaks.
We've made.
yes, the tweaks.
oh, one or two small tweaks.
yes, the tweaks.
oh, one or two small tweaks.
here.
Want to practice? oh, one or two small tweaks.
here.
Want to practice? sure.
here.
Want to practice? sure.
that's q on the end.
sure.
that's q on the end.
He's cool.
that's q on the end.
He's cool.
Joe's in the middle.
He's cool.
Joe's in the middle.
He's cool.
Joe's in the middle.
He's cool.
This is sal.
He's cool.
He's cool.
This is sal.
He's cool.
I'm a douche.
This is sal.
He's cool.
I'm a douche.
[ laughter .]
I'm a douche.
[ laughter .]
that's [bleep.]
[ laughter .]
that's [bleep.]
you ready to announce to this that's [bleep.]
you ready to announce to this crowd? you ready to announce to this crowd? oh, man.
Crowd? oh, man.
[ laughter .]
oh, man.
[ laughter .]
this is a big show at [ laughter .]
this is a big show at foxwoods.
this is a big show at foxwoods.
this is "legends in concert.
" Foxwoods.
this is "legends in concert.
" i've seen this.
this is "legends in concert.
" i've seen this.
It's like the greatest i've seen this.
It's like the greatest impersonators singing, like, the It's like the greatest impersonators singing, like, the best songs that you ever heard.
Impersonators singing, like, the best songs that you ever heard.
tina turner, michael jackson.
Best songs that you ever heard.
tina turner, michael jackson.
lady gaga.
tina turner, michael jackson.
lady gaga.
lady gaga.
lady gaga.
lady gaga.
getting warmed up by lady gaga.
getting warmed up by james murray.
getting warmed up by james murray.
[ laughter .]
James murray.
[ laughter .]
all right, pal, here we go.
good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Biggity-boom.
Gentlemen.
Biggity-boom.
Welcome to this evening's Biggity-boom.
Welcome to this evening's performance.
Welcome to this evening's performance.
[ applause .]
Performance.
[ applause .]
[ coughing .]
[ applause .]
[ coughing .]
[ laughing .]
[ coughing .]
[ laughing .]
[ clears throat .]
[ laughing .]
[ clears throat .]
fire exits.
[ clears throat .]
fire exits.
Look around.
Fire exits.
Look around.
We have an exit there and there, Look around.
We have an exit there and there, two back there, one over there, We have an exit there and there, two back there, one over there, one right behind me Two back there, one over there, one right behind me [ laughs .]
One right behind me [ laughs .]
[ clears throat .]
[ laughs .]
[ clears throat .]
[ laughing .]
[ clears throat .]
[ laughing .]
oh? [ laughing .]
oh? Oh, i just got an announcement Oh? Oh, i just got an announcement from my stage manager.
Oh, i just got an announcement from my stage manager.
There's a car outside that left From my stage manager.
There's a car outside that left their lights on.
There's a car outside that left their lights on.
License plate 69-fart-69.
Their lights on.
License plate 69-fart-69.
Biggity-boom.
License plate 69-fart-69.
Biggity-boom.
[ feedback .]
Biggity-boom.
[ feedback .]
[ both laugh .]
[ feedback .]
[ both laugh .]
all right, if there's a fire, [ both laugh .]
all right, if there's a fire, remember to stop, drop, and all right, if there's a fire, remember to stop, drop, and roll like so.
Remember to stop, drop, and roll like so.
[ laughing .]
Roll like so.
[ laughing .]
i will now roll.
[ laughing .]
i will now roll.
Just stop, then drop like this, i will now roll.
Just stop, then drop like this, and then just begin to roll.
Just stop, then drop like this, and then just begin to roll.
[ laughter .]
And then just begin to roll.
[ laughter .]
notice i'm still rolling.
[ laughter .]
notice i'm still rolling.
Thanks.
Notice i'm still rolling.
Thanks.
That's it.
Thanks.
That's it.
[ clears throat loudly .]
That's it.
[ clears throat loudly .]
i'm sorry.
[ clears throat loudly .]
i'm sorry.
Thinking maybe it's my I'm sorry.
Thinking maybe it's my Sorry.
Thinking maybe it's my Sorry.
[ burps .]
Sorry.
[ burps .]
oh.
[ burps .]
[ burps .]
oh.
[ burps .]
oh, god.
Oh.
Oh.
[ burps .]
oh, god.
Oh.
Sorry about that.
Oh, god.
Oh.
Sorry about that.
pbht! Sorry about that.
pbht! [ audience murmuring .]
pbht! [ audience murmuring .]
i'm gonna ask for quiet, please.
[ audience murmuring .]
i'm gonna ask for quiet, please.
I said quiet! I'm gonna ask for quiet, please.
I said quiet! [ sighs .]
I said quiet! [ sighs .]
who here wants to hear a [ sighs .]
who here wants to hear a black joke? [ audience booing .]
Thank you, everyone, and enjoy the show.
[ upbeat music plays .]