In Living Color (1990) s03e28 Episode Script

[Announcer.]
And now a messagefrom Oswald A.
Bates, attorney-at-law.
Are you a penal implant? Regurgitating behind bars while your ex-mammary.
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is "polleonating" every "scrotarian" in town? Were you arrested under false circumcisions.
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and reincarnated against your will? In semen's terms, are you in jail? Then let the orifices of Oswald Bates.
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"siligmize" your intrinsical needs.
Uh, my name Tiny.
I was stabbed in the shower.
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by inmate number 4356783.
Uh, that's Bubba to us.
And Oswald got me conjugal visits.
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with a girl with big breasts.
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and a pack of Winstons.
Thank you, Oswald.
You too can share in this infectious "enemanitus.
" Don't constipate.
Simply wipe to the front and call: Yeah, thanks to Oswald Bates, I got three more years in prison.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Oswald.
Thanks a lot.
Unfortunately, we cannot impregnate everybody.
That's beyond our colonic threshold.
[Announcer.]
The law offices of Oswald Bates.
Call: - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go Hey, down here.
[Announcer.]
Detective Head,in his first international adventure.
Head, your assignmentis to retrieve a tiny microchip.
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which contains the plans to a deadly doomsday device from this woman.
Wow, is that Pussy Galore? No, it's a lesser operative.
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Kitty Litter.
- Great picture.
- From Faces International.
Now, she has the microchip somewhere on her person.
Anyway, let's move on to my favorite part, the gadgets.
This is Head's new robotic body, which will be operated by you with that remote.
Wow! Just like Super Mario.
Super Mario! Yes! [Laughing.]
Good show! Yes.
It also has a fully functioning anatomy.
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- which you operate with the other toggle switch.
- [Whirring.]
That's what they mean by joystick.
What about this? I mean, is this, uh, like a blender.
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that doubles for a flamethrower or something? No, that's an actual blender.
We were having milk shakes earlier.
- You care for one? - Sure.
Remember, gentlemen, the fate of the free world depends upon you.
Cheers.
Hey, gimme some.
[Music.]
[Whirring.]
Wait.
Come on.
Back, back.
Okay, stop.
Stop, stop, stop.
Look, there's Kitty Litter now.
Look, this is gonna be really dangerous.
You better let me go over there and pry that information out of that beautiful woman.
No way.
All right, suit yourself.
[Whirring.]
You've got the prettiest smile I've ever seen.
Why, thank you.
White teeth are very important to me.
May I wet them for you? With a drink, I mean.
Certainly.
Okay, let me see how this thing works.
Uh, to the right.
Ooh, sorry.
I'm sorry, Head, but all the instructions are in Japanese.
I'm terribly sorry.
No, l-I liked it.
Well, then, would you care to dance? Maybe I could bruise your shins or something.
[Head Grunting.]
Oh, my, you seem a little stiff.
Does it show?Partner, loosen up on the throttle a little.
Oh, roger, Head.
I'll just, uh.
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.
- [Whirs.]
- Too loose! Too loose! I'm dancing like Shabba Doo.
Wow! You really cook.
I bet you get even hotter in bed.
I bet you're like a machine.
Let's move in for the kill.
Good idea, Head.
Now, while you kiss her, I'll go for the microchip.
Go.
[Moaning.]
Listen, that's really nice, but you can stop kissing me now.
I would like to, but my body has a mind of its own.
The controls are jammed.
Let go of me! Idiot, look what you've done.
We've knocked the cap off my tooth.
The microchip, it's in her tooth, Head.
You're right.
The chip must be in her cap.
How did you know about the chip? - You must be a spy.
- Yes.
[Gags.]
And now I must be going.
- Head, where's the microchip? - I swallowed it.
I need a Dick Gregory enema, man.
The future of the free world hangs in my bowels.
Look, I gotta get you outta here before those goons get here.
What are we gonna do? You know what to do.
Remember when you played for the Mets? You hit a three-run homer to clinch the pennant.
- This is no time to reminisce.
- You know what I'm talking about, buddy.
Hit me outta here.
Knock me outta the park.
I can't.
Too dangerous.
Then do it for the boy who's dying in the hospital bed.
What dying boy in the hospital bed? I don't know.
Just do it! Call it out.
Okay, partner, you're the man.
You can do it.
Just give me your best shot.
I want you to hit me like Rodney King.
Aah! [Announcer.]
This has beenanother episode ofThe Head Detective.
[Announcer.]
And now, back to the continuing adventures.
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of that incredibleAfrican-American daredevil, Super Clyde.
Good evening and welcome.
Last week on the show.
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Super Clyde faced his most difficult challenge ever.
He drove his Hyundai on a high-speed chase.
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through the streets of Los Angeles without a camcorder.
Tonight, we're backstage on amateur night at the Apollo Theater in Harlem.
Champ, what are you gonna do this time? Well, Jim, this is the most death-defying feat I've ever attempted.
I'm going to try to do stand-up comedy.
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in front of this Apollo amateur night audience.
Super Clyde, what's so dangerous about that? Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I'm just not that funny.
Oh, that is dangerous.
Has anyone else attempted this besides yourself? Well, Sinbad, Joe Torre and a few others.
But no one using the type of material that I'm going to attempt tonight.
Well, good luck, Super Clyde.
Or should I say "break a leg"? Thank you, Jim.
[Announcer.]
And nowwill you please welcome to the stage.
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the comedy stylings of Super Clyde.
[Crowd Booing.]
Thank you Apollo.
Thank you.
You know, it's good to be here.
Let's see what's going on.
Oh, I'm dating a white woman now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
See, 'cause a white woman knows how to treat a brother.
Black women are always trippin', right? - [Booing.]
- Brothers know what I'm talkin'about.
Quick joke.
What's black and brownand looks good on a black man? A Doberman pinscher.
[Laughing.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
How do you stop a black man from robbing you? Throw him a basketball.
- [Booing Continues.]
- [Laughs.]
Thank you.
It's starting to get a little scary out there for Super Clyde.
Let's see if he can get out of it.
And you know what I don't understand? What do the police punish black people by puttin' 'em in jail? Man, that just puts them closer to their friends and relatives, right? - [Laughing.]
- [Gunshot.]
I mean, uh, that's not punishment, that's a house party.
- You know what I'm saying? - [Gunshots.]
Oh, you got me.
Uh, but seriously, folks.
I do think that what we need now is a black man in the White House.
I mean, who else is gonna drive the president around in the limo? [Cheering.]
Super Clyde, are you okay? Yeah, Jim, I'm fine.
It was just a massive blow to the head.
That's all.
No big deal.
That was one of the most amazing displays of bravery I have ever seen.
What can we expect from you next, Super Clyde? Well, on next week's show, I will attempt to walk into a bar mitzvah.
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dressed as Louis Farrakhan.
Woah, sounds challenging.
That's our show for today.
Join us next time with Super Clyde.
[Applause.]
[Music.]
[Music Continues.]
[Ends.]
All right, welcome back to The Dating Game.
I'm your obligatory host.
Now let's meet our new bachelorette.
Please welcome Miss Wanda Wayne.
- Holy crap.
! - Ho.
Hey.
Hey, word up.
What are y'all doing? Lakita, I told you I was gonna be on TV, girl.
So, Wanda.
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tell us about yourself.
Oh, okay, then.
For real though.
Uh.
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.
First of all, I won, uh, Miss High Pro Glow.
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- three years in a row.
- Mm-hmm.
Then I won Miss Swap Meet for two years.
And then.
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.
And then I was, like, a second runner-up in Miss Compton.
But there was some political stuff going on.
Something about some hair weave spray had came up missin'.
But, you know, I got my own natural blonde hair.
I don't need nobody's spray.
That's very nice, Wanda.
Very nice indeed.
Now let's meet our bachelors.
Bachelor number one.
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bachelor number two.
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and bachelor number three.
Wanda, number three is my lucky number.
I hope it's yours too, girl, because I believe we could have a lot of fun together.
Ain't nobody asked you nothin'.
You sound likeyou're bourgeois anyway.
I can see my breath in here.
Well, Wanda, if you're ready, go ahead, take a seat.
Anyway, uh.
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.
- First question, Wanda.
- All right.
Hey, uh, word up.
Uh, Bachelor Number One, okay, this is a "secury.
" Uh, I got a piece of popcorn stuck in the back of my teeths.
How would you get it out? Well, Wanda, I probably wouldn't even get it out.
What I'd do is I'd probably put some butter on my tongue.
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and just work it on in there with the rest of that popcorn.
[Crowd Whooping.]
Hey! Just trying to get nasty over there, ain't ya, with that? You know, you need to do something else, like take me out to eat or something.
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before you can get in my stuff, and, uh.
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Okay.
- Wanda? - Yes.
I don't know about the popcorn,but this lipstick is really bothering me.
You all right for a white man.
Okay, uh, Bachelor Number Two, same question.
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only instead of popcorn, it's a piece of pig feet in my back molars.
How would you get it out? Well, Wanda, I'd just add a little hot sauce to set your mouth on fire.
- Hey.
! - And then I'd put my lips around yours.
- Word up.
! - And I would suck until your forehead caved the hell in.
Hey, all right then.
Word up! I like his answer.
I like his answer.
Can I go get him now? I ain't had my forehead caved in in a long time.
Not since that LL CoolJ concert.
Let's move on to number three, Wanda.
Okay, then, uh, now, Bachelor Number Three.
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it's our first date, and we're in our apartment and stuff.
And I got on some sexy "lingery" and stuff.
And, uh, and.
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and.
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and so you can.
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It's real, like, revealing and stuff.
You can see, like, the "centrifugalness" of my body.
Now, how would you turn me on? Well, Wanda, I'd probably take you in my arms.
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as I whispered some poetry in your ear, in old Latin.
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while we gazed at some sculptures.
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- or paintings or.
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- What? What you talking about? Maybe watch some public television.
That's how I'd turn you on.
The only thing gonna get turned on is the light.
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so you can see how to get your ass out of my apartment.
[Host.]
Woah.
! Anyway, uh, Bachelor Number One.
Bachelor Number One, now this is your question.
Now, if I had a tattoo of the United States all over my body.
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which area of the country would you go visit? I'm going to Europe.
Bachelor Number One, what's wrong with you? Cat got your tongue? Well, good-lookin', I'd probably start at the mouth of the Mississippi River.
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and ride it all the way down to the Gulf of Mexico, girl.
Okay, uh, now, Bachelor Number Two.
What part of the countrywould you hang out in? Well, Wanda, first I would go to the peak of the Rocky Mountains.
Then I'd loosen up that Sun Belt.
Go on with your bad self.
Then I'd make a run for the border.
Hey! Gimme a chicken "taquita.
" - That's what I'm sayin'.
Okay, uh.
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.
- [Music.]
Well, time's up, Wanda.
That's the funny sound.
Okay, now you have a big decision to make.
Will it be bachelor number one.
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bachelor number two or bachelor number three? Okay, uh, shoot.
I can only pick one, huh.
- Make a decision, Wanda.
- Okay, uh.
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I choose number two.
[Host.]
Okay.
! What a lucky guy.
Now let's meet the bachelors you didn't pick.
Wanda, bachelor number one, Derrick Clinton.
- Hey, what's up, man? - Hey, what's up? Now say hello to bachelor number three, Steve Bigbun.
Oh, hey.
You oughta.
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.
[Laughing.]
What's wrong with y'all? Now let's meet the bachelor you did pick.
Here's bachelor number two, lucky Paul Nelson.
[Screams.]
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? [Host Indistinct.]
Just settle.
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Just settle down.
Just settle down.
Ju.
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Ju.
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Just settle.
What's wrong with you? I'm the catch of the day.
Somebody need to throw your ugly ass back.
What you say? I know you not trippin'.
- No, no, he said, "There's no way I'm turnin' back.
" - I know he's not trippin'.
- Oh, okay then.
Hey.
- Hey, man, is there something in the rule book.
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that says forget about the whole thing if we're not compatible? - 'Cause, come on, man.
- No, I got the rule book right here.
- You do? - The rule book says, chapter seven, part four.
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section eight, it says, "I got you, and I'm ready to go.
" It says that.
- That's what it says.
- That's what it says, pal.
Look, I'm not the one you wanted, I'm sure.
Because number one, he was.
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No, you are the one I wanted.
You're the one talking about.
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you were gonna suck the pig feet outta my mouth.
- Here are the pig feet right here.
- She's got the pig feet.
And you said you was gonna use, like, hot sauce and stuff.
- I got the hot sauce.
- She's got it.
Well! - What's wrong with you? - Oh, there go my heart again.
My heart! - Your heart? - Yeah, I got this heart condition.
- It always gets me, so I know I got to get out.
- Don't worry about it.
I got you covered.
You ain't got to worry.
Station 51.
Well, Wanda, if you can get this man drunk enough.
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you two are gonna be spending a wonderful, beautiful week in sunny Hawaii.
Oh, good, 'cause I get to wear my new string bikini that I had.
Where'd it go? Oh, here it is.
I get to wear my new string bikini.
[Choking.]
- 'Cause see.
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- Put your head between your legs, man.
Head between your legs.
- [Coughs.]
- What's wrong? You all right? 'Cause see, I'm just gonna be the beauty on the beach.
Beauty and the beast.
Oh, you so crazy.
You ain't no beast.
You two are like you're married already or something.
- Hey.
- Another happy couple, ladies and gentlemen.
Curtis, Suzy, come on out here and join us, will ya? - What's wrong with you? - Oh, God, no.
I'm gonna rock your world.
Well, it's time to give our Dating Game good-bye kiss, kids.
[Music.]
All right, well, um, it's about that time.
Uh, this is the end of our season.
We had a-a great year.
We thank you all for watchin'.
It's a very bittersweet moment here on In Living Color.
We wanna say good-bye to one of our cast members, Damon Wayans.
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on his way to a superstar movie career.
[Cheering, Applause.]
He never.
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He never gets in the closing.
He never gets in the closing.
Last close.
We.
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We had great times and we wish.
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Of course, we wish him the best.
And, uh, come back and visit sometime.
Love ya.
[Hip-hop.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]